Let's try this again. [Archive]

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-21-2007, 04:34 PM

...the lady's nose started to grow longer and longer and longer (just like you've seen in all those animated and live action versions of Carlo Collodi's immortal classic "The Adventures of Pinocchio") until it escaped the earth's atmosphere and began accelerating until it was going thousands of times the speed of light until it suddenly stopped on the doorstep of someone who lived on a planet halfway across the known universe (while the relativity physicists are trying to figure out how that could have been possible the geneticists had already been speculating and published articles even before the nose {which is now commonly referred to in most solar systems as the Great Intergalactic Causeway} had left our planet's atmosphere arguing that such iregular growth of the nose which had receieved an impromptu diagnosis in the emergency room {a very rare genetic defect assumed to be impossible but actually very very improbable} was likely to occur only once in a human population of 17 trillion persons--that's what those geneticists wrote in their articles--the current population of the earth being , of course, still around six billion, but such unlikely things do happen ya know-- for example one day I was working in a liquor store in Shell Beach about five years ago and I read in the paper about this couple in San Mateo county who won the lottery twice in the same day, about seventy thousand dollars the first time and about a hundred million dollars about an hour later and they said the odds of someone doing that were totally fantastic --ridiculous enough to make God himself #@*& in his pants if it ever happened--but it really happened I didn't read about in in a tabloid paper} and, incidentally, when the woman had
been taken {very carefully all the time in order to prevent any injury to the nose by the revolving doors of the emergency room which had to be quickly removed so that the nose which could not, of course be accommodated in the emergency room itself, could continue its ascent upward into the sky and all that time people were too distracted by the growing nose to notice that a bunion had been growing on the big toe of her right foot which suddenly grew to ten times the size of the planet Jupiter and people from other planets came from across the Intergalactic Causeway (the nose, remember?)and started to explore the giant bunion for mineral and other resources and they paid the woman (who had the bunion removed --oh and I forgot to mention that the growth of the bunion at first caused the hospital where the woman was being treated to be ripped up out of the the ground but they started working on that problem just as quickly as they were able to remove the revolving doors of the emergency room) and the woman donated most of the money to the poor people of the Earth with the upside being that world poverty has now been eliminated thanks to her generosity and thanks to her very unusual medical condition and the downside being that because of the effect of the enlargement of her nose on the hormonal balance within her body she suffers from a chemical imbalance in her brain that leaves her not totally clinically depressed but also not able to live unequivocally happily ever after.....

BinCo

08-21-2007, 04:43 PM

which could not happen anyway since the bunion created such a large gravitational field that the Earth was quickly consumed in a grand compression. This compression thrust every living object into an alternate universe. After arriving in the alternate universe the old woman noticed that her scars had healed and her nose was actually flat. She also noticed that she was now a man with a flat nose with slits in it. She looked in a mirror and saw, not her face, but a pale white man with red slits for eyes looking back at her. He was wearing a long black cloak and was looking for a boy, but he did not know why. With this in mind he decided it was time to leave the hospital. He stepped out into the alternate world and..

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-21-2007, 04:57 PM

on that very same day, in the morning, Gregor Samsa, awoke from unpleasant dreams to find himself metamorphosed in his very own bed into a giant insect--his back now hard and armor plated, with a brown segmented, dome-shaped belly (off of which the quilt was about to slide ) visible when he lifted his head...

MoonShadow

08-21-2007, 05:12 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

Naturist Mark

08-21-2007, 05:39 PM

... only to be smited (smitten?) by a ball peen hammer.

***********************
Upon reading earthpassenger(Kevin)'s contribution (http://clothesfreeforums.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6500016152/m/1950026605?r=7290009605#7290009605) I was going to raise a point of order about each addition being limited to a single sentence.

Then I noticed it WAS a single sentence.

Carry on ...
***********************

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-21-2007, 05:48 PM

Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
... only to be smited (smitten?) by a ball peen hammer.

***********************
Upon reading earthpassenger(Kevin)'s contribution (http://clothesfreeforums.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6500016152/m/1950026605?r=7290009605#7290009605) I was going to raise a point of order about each addition being limited to a single sentence.

Then I noticed it WAS a single sentence.

Carry on ...
*********************** (I't's what my grade school teachers referred to as a run-on sentence. And I was mindful of the rules (if nothing else) when I wrote it.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-21-2007, 05:56 PM

Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
... only to be smited (smitten?) by a ball peen hammer.

Carry on ...
***********************
...when in walked former "Tool Time" star Tim Allen, who should have been smitten with the ball peen hammer but he was still smitten with his one time "Tool Time" co-star Pamela Anderson...

nifocinphx

08-21-2007, 06:16 PM

Stunned, Gregor was shocked when his grandmother, after pushing the ball peen carrying man and Tim Allen aside, continued to pummel him with her antique cast iron frying pan.

nudebushwalker

08-22-2007, 01:05 AM

And all the while, the not-too-bright policemen was busy off looking for his favourite snack - kippers with strawberry jam, on pumpernickel...

usmc1

08-22-2007, 04:22 AM

Originally posted by earthpassenger(Kevin):
on that very same day, in the morning, Gregor Samsa, awoke from unpleasant dreams to find himself metamorphosed in his very own bed into a giant insect--his back now hard and armor plated, with a brown segmented, dome-shaped belly (off of which the quilt was about to slide ) visible when he lifted his head...

Young man, Kafka does not approve of plagiarism, nor do I. Sorry, you fail the course!

nacktman

08-22-2007, 05:01 AM

The story thus far ...

*****

Once upon a time in a land far away there was a man who lived on a hill away from the hustles of city life who took a ball-peen hammer to the mall and made headlines ... all while finding some great back to school bargains for his kids.

Before he left, he used the ball-peen hammer to help an On Star customer who had locked her keys in her car. But, was it really her car? Hearing the commotion the police were soon summoned but by the time they got there, they found a very damaged car and no lady in sight. A Louis Vuitton hand bang was found near the site.

Sadly, the police officer wasn't very bright, he stood for hours wondering what a "hand bang" was. He went to his officer's manual only to blush at the definition of "head bang".

Meanwhile as he stood perplexed ...<span class="ev_code_Blue">(Editor's addition for continuity)</span>

A strange and confused woman mugged my grandmother and stole her bicycle. But the woman didn't get very far on the bicycle because the tires did not have enough air in'em, and the woman was kind of on the heavy side. But her downfall was her missing left leg, so that when she rode the bike she went in circles, eventually coming back to the spot she stole the bicycle and each time she did my grandmother brained her with the antique cast iron frying pan she had just bought.

The poor cracked head woman grabbed the frying pan from granny's hand and rushed into the mall's Tape and Record Store and tried to trade it for a Led Zepplin 1968 tour CD. But the guy would not trade her for the Led Zepplin. Noticing her bike he offered 'A Piper at the gates of Dawn' from Pink Floyd. But she was looking for 'Several Species of Small Furry Animals gatherd Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict' and left the store and went across the street for a cup of java.

As she contemplated her next move a guy, carrying a ball-peen hammer, came running in the front door.

<span class="ev_code_RED">Here the story breaks off into some quotations of other's works so they have been 'edited'.</span>

All the while, the not-too-smart policeman was busy off looking for his favourite snack - kippers with strawberry jam, on pumpernickel ...

*****

Cool story let's keep it up, I can't wait to find out how it goes from here!

MoonShadow

08-22-2007, 05:19 AM

the woman with the missing left leg glared at the ball-peen carrying man and shouted

nacktman

08-22-2007, 05:26 AM

"Who's at home with the kids?", as she saw it was her 'man' running in through the door

usmc1

08-22-2007, 10:22 AM

At which time the 350-lbs, overweight, five foot tall lady from Children's Protective Services with a clipboard in hand and pink sunglasses and platinum-blond, bee-hive hairdo drove up in a black Mini-Cooper with green racing stripes and struggled out, confronting the pair, saying,...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-22-2007, 11:20 AM

Originally posted by usmc1:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by earthpassenger(Kevin):
on that very same day, in the morning, Gregor Samsa, awoke from unpleasant dreams to find himself metamorphosed in his very own bed into a giant insect--his back now hard and armor plated, with a brown segmented, dome-shaped belly (off of which the quilt was about to slide ) visible when he lifted his head...

Young man, Kafka does not approve of plagiarism, nor do I. Sorry, you fail the course! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
I wager the Roman poet Juvenal frowned on it too but that didn't stop an English guy named Samuel Johnson from tinkering with his tenth satire ("Let observation with extensive view, Survey mankind, from China to Peru") and then tryin' to make a quid or two off of it.
But next time you see Franz's ghost just let him know I was just engaging in what is considered by First Amendment lawyers as quotation of a selected passage. And since it took an old-timer to point it out I'll bet Kafka could use a little of what they call "publicity", what with all the competition from all the books they sell on the shelves at WalMart (and darn me if I know what that could be these days--haven't been in a Walmart in a good long time--maybe A Biography of a Great American: Dick Cheney.)

Peace,
Kevin

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-22-2007, 11:26 AM

...a sense of purpose and meaning...

...and moderate consumption of alcohol, and with that they repaired to the nearest bar and got totally plastered...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-22-2007, 08:52 PM

and while they were taking a little ..uh, "coffee break" two new characters appeared on the scene; a former teenage mutant ninja turtle, now a thirty some thing, and his grandmother, came bicycling by planning to retrace the steps of all the other personages of this thread but after talking to the gas station owner on the wrong day of the week (three employees quit that morning) they realized, three miles down the road that they got terrible directions to the mall, so they headed off in the direction of City Hall, with Granny's trusty Philips screwdriver poking out of her cleavage (She didn't like the feel of a ball peen hammer there and Teenage Mutant Ninja isn't allowed to have anything that could conceivably be used as a weapon)..

usmc1

08-23-2007, 04:59 AM

Meanwhile, 80 miles away in the small mill town of Gotham's Landing, defrocked priest turned homicide detective, Hank (Hammer-Head) Hammerly, took a fond last look at the dead body of his wife's beloved parakeet, Tweety-Pie; and then let his eyes, one last time, survey the trailer he had shared with his late wife, local TV weather woman, Gale Force, and then struck a match and....

shomymojo

08-23-2007, 05:26 AM

and just then...the lights went out...and there was a loud bang !!!

nudebushwalker

08-23-2007, 06:51 AM

The resulting bang was so loud that it was even heard miles away by the not-so-bright policeman, who took such fright that he jumped three feet into the air, choking on his kippers and jam, and spraying pumpernickel crumbs all over the police station's lunch room...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-23-2007, 10:29 AM

...and that's when the ants came by the thousands to feast on some choked up kippers and jam, the pumpernickel crumbs, as well as a tuna fish sandwich the police chief was too busy to eat and the remains of five take out pizzas left on the floor of the office of Internal Affairs...

usmc1

08-24-2007, 05:11 AM

Meanwhile the deadline for the midday "Happy-News report was fast approaching and the weather woman, Gale Force was nowhere to be found and the anchor, Frankly Unctuous, was wringing his hands much like Uriah Heep and pacing the floor as the program director, Dimly Aware, was saying "it will be OK, we'll skip weather and go with sports and a beach report just get Jock Itch and Stormy Weather ready to go on air...as the summer intern, Painfully Perky, burst into the studio gushing; "Chief, people at the mall are pummeling themselves silly with frying pans and ball peen hammers, a trailer at Serene Seas trailer park blew up and the fire is spreading toward a combination old folks home and children's day care center, and the police department has been overrun with Fire ants---what's our lead?.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-24-2007, 12:27 PM

Frankly Unctuous suddenly stopped ringing his hands like Uriah Heap and launched into a stream of consciousness monologue worthy of Mr. Jingle in the Pickwick Papers to the effect that Dimly Aware's plan was as hopelessly optimistic as anything dreamed up by Mr. Micawber while Teenage Mutant Ninja and Granny who had been passing through and heard Painfully Perky's description of the pandemonium volunteer to save the day as gallantly as Don Quixote and Sancho Panza--as least they can sing a half decent rendition of "Impossible Dream"...

nudebushwalker

08-24-2007, 05:54 PM

.. while, over in the day care centre, the childcare assistants - sweet Felicity and the fair Marina - were putting the children down for their nap time, where the innocent little tykes will dream of fish riding bicycles, and grandmothers who like strawberry jam, while soft cottony clouds shaped like 'bunny wabbits' will drift gently across the azure sky, and candy coloured boats sail along the deep green seas.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-24-2007, 06:43 PM

Originally posted by nudebushwalker:
.. while, over in the day care centre, the childcare assistants - sweet Felicity and the fair Marina - were putting the children down for their nap time, where the innocent little tykes will dream of fish riding bicycles, and grandmothers who like strawberry jam, while soft cottony clouds shaped like 'bunny wabbits' will drift gently across the azure sky, and candy coloured boats sail along the deep green seas.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds! Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

nudebushwalker

08-25-2007, 12:33 AM

.. actually, it's hybridised from The Beatles and other psychedelic music from the 1960's, (plus the likes of David Bowie and Bob Dylan; and with more than a passing nod to the likes of Andy Warhol and Denis Leary..) - if you check out the lyrics from those songs from that time, you will find this isn't a direct steal from any of them, but rather copying the themes and styles from several - I also had "I am the Walrus" and "Yellow Submarine" in the back of my mind, among others, when I wrote that, plus artwork from the likes of Picasso and his ilk (obviously, my mind must have been getting a bit cluttered by that stage)...

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

The reference to clouds is related a couple of entries on another thread - 'Statement', which is in this same section;(And can I help it if those sweet young assistants in the childcare centre choose to decorate in psychedelic colours, and play Beatles as background sound?).

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-25-2007, 11:49 AM

...meanwhile back at the farm, a gathering of some of the personages in this thread were holding a seance when they inadvertently summoned up the ghost of the Algerian/French Deconstructionist literary critic Jacques Derrida who inveighed against the "violent hierarchies" which have led many of the contributors to this thread to assume they had been cleverly spinning an "old-fashioned yarn" (or, in one noteworthy instance, producing a "hybridization" of various 1960s classics of the psychedelic music genre) and pointed out that all forms of literary activity are not actually "personal creativity" (and on that assumption contributors had been patting themselves on the back in the privacy of their computer rooms at the completion of each post) but essentially "memory work" in which "deconstructors" arrange "binary oppositions" within a text according to the internal logic of that text, which has no stable meaning but conforms rather to the "metaphysics of presence"--at which point all assembled became horrified at the suggestion that they are mere figments of someone else's imagination (or, as it were, binary oppositions whose enumeration takes place within a deconstructor's memory) and climbed in farmer Maclean's pickup truck, drove ten miles out of town to a two hundred foot deep well and dropped the Ouija board down it...

usmc1

08-25-2007, 02:25 PM

Michael McGuffin, former CIA agent turned Catholic priest, now on a special mission from the Knights Templar desk at the Vatican muscled his black Suburban with dark tinted windows into the Bucket of Blood roadhouse outside Grover's Mills in expectation of meeting his informer, Gale Force and her trained to spy parakeet, Tweety Pie, and with high hopes that his love child, Painfully Perky, had actually pursued a college degree and would not be waitressing or dancing there anymore.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-25-2007, 03:10 PM

...which shenanigans precipitated an immediate rise in the price of tea in China...

usmc1

08-25-2007, 04:24 PM

Which caused McGuffin's cell phone to ring urgently in the way that he knew could only result from his handler the Grand Inquisitor with a meaningless question which would probably have to do with the price of tea in China to which he would reply, being an expert in quantum physics and also clairvoyant, "Chief, I already know what you want, and ran the fractals in my head as I was walking across the parking lot of the Bucket of Blood and the reason tea is high in China is due to the flapping of the wings in Papua New Guinea of the world's rarest butterfly, Queen Alexandra’s Birdwing".

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-25-2007, 05:13 PM

...and alongside Queen Alexandra's Birdwing a sparrow suddenly took a fall in which there was no special providence...

nudebushwalker

08-26-2007, 05:00 AM

..whilst back at the child care centre, alerted by the smell of smoke from the approaching fire, those two fair maidens Felicity and Marina decided to round up their peacefully sleeping charges and move them to safety - if only they could raise themselves up from the floor where they were crawling in ever-decreasing and giggling circles, having partaken of the LSD-spiked orange juice they had used to make sure the children slept soundly...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-26-2007, 09:35 AM

...that LSD spiked o.j. leaves Felicity in the right frame of mind to correctly answer a trivia question ("Who played Nancy in the 1968 {hippie themed} Peter Sellers movie I Love You, Alice B. Toklas?") on the local classic rock station and win a trip for two to Italy; meanwhile back at the Vatican, having only been appointed to the position a week ago, McGuffin's handler spends the wee hours of the morning pondering the many responsibilities, as well as privileges, of the office of Grand Inquisitor: he begins to imagine himself as Jerome Hines at the Met in the great scene from Verdi's Don Carlo only to feel painfully aware of his physical (only 6'4") as well as vocal limitations (he can go no lower than low B) and instead uncorks an undated bottle of Commandaria brought up from the Knights Templars' cellar and relishing the distinctly bright acidity of the wine he speculates on the percentage of Xynisteri in the blend (all the while listening for the unmistakeable clunk of his next-in-line, Rodolfo's (aka. "Savonarola") footsteps out in the hallway...

usmc1

08-27-2007, 04:58 AM

and prepares himself for what is sure to follow, putting out of his mind, McGuffin, who at this very minute is in danger of being trampled by a horde of frantic "pressure-cooker" moms exiting the bar in hysterical tears screaming about a disaster at the Cozy Tots Day Care Center.

nudebushwalker

08-27-2007, 06:26 AM

Over at the police station, the not-so-bright policeman, meanwhile, was slowly, and somewhat groggily, lifting himself back up off the floor, brushing off the thousands of Fire Ants, ( - accidentally brought into the state concealed below a pallet load of the finest Columbian cocaine, they had inadvertently built their nest under a local drug gang's meth' lab', from whence the venom of these poor innocent ants had since become infused with a cocktail of waste products from both the processing of meth' and crack in neighbouring sheds, and the occasional runoff from dope, hash and LSD which also sometimes passed through the hands of this drug gang..); and gazed out towards the childcare centre, where he knew his fiancee - the sweet and fair Felicity - would be working, when he became aware of the raging fire racing up the hill towards them...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-27-2007, 08:17 AM

...McGuffin is indeed trampled by those hysterical moms and left on the floor of the bar black and blue only to be quickly whisked away in a black van by the Knights Templars' crack team of paramedics before the bartender is able to call 911 (thus effectively preserving McGuffin's cover)and when he wakes up the next morning as good as new he receives a phone call from the Grand Inquisitor, instructing him to begin investigating the alleged "Quixotic/seditionist/anti-Christian/anti-Catholic
activities" of former Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and Granny and then hanging up upon hearing McGuffin's promise to "take care of the situation immediately"--though not before sitting down for a cup of black coffee at Starbuck's (over which he entertains the nagging suspicion that he has been given a sort of "left out to pasture" assignment in order to facilitate someone else's promotion)...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-27-2007, 08:31 PM

...at which time (a full five days after the bender at Tina and Timmy's Saloon) the 350 lbs. five foot tall lady from Childrens' Protective Services wakes up from a recurring dream she has in which she finds herself naked out in public only to find herself naked out "in public" and lying on a lounge chair at a private naturist resort...

nudebushwalker

08-28-2007, 12:06 AM

Having finally herded the still half-asleep children out into the town-square, and into the arms of their now quite hysterical mothers - and while contemplating the now smouldering child care centre - the fair Marina Romanova took her Vatican Bank Platinum Master Card and her iPhone out of her handbag, and considered that now was probably an opportune time to revisit the old family estates in the hills outside of Rome (where her great-grandfather Sergei had relocated the family fortunes to after the 1917 revolution, whilst further strengthening his ties to the Knights Templar, Opus Dei, the St Vincent de Paul Society, and the Catholic Church in general..).

usmc1

08-28-2007, 05:10 AM

As these things were happening, McGuffin dragged his hysterical women trampled, broken and bleeding body across the gravel parking lot and pulled himself upright at the entrance and staggered inside, and, as he inhaled the sickly stench of smoldering ashtrays and the fetid odor of stale beer, he looked-up to find Hammer-Head Hammerly behind the bar aiming a Desert Eagle at his gut.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-28-2007, 08:45 AM

...though not before overhearing a conversation at a nearby table which shed some light on the mystery of the ubiquitous ball peen hammer, which, it turns out is actually not one but six ball peen hammers donated by Mo of Mo's Hardware, along with four of his eight year old daughter's prize-winning water color paintings of pregnant guppies, to a charity fundraiser for a new coat of white paint for the gazebo in Heritage Square park--Mo's Hardware hasn't carried ball peen hammers for three years now but one morning three weeks ago, brother Billy signed off on a purchase order for the ball peen hammers (while preoccupied by the sight of Meredith Vieira on the Today show in a ballerina's tutu) despite Mo's explicit instructions, shouted out of the john five minutes before, to refuse any ball peen hammers...

nudebushwalker

08-29-2007, 09:20 AM

Outside in the town square, the NSB_Policeman - still shaking off the combined narcotic/ hallucinogenic and soporific effects from the hundreds of ant bites - was slowly approaching his excited fiancee Felicity, who was (quite animatedly) yelling out that they were now heading off to Italy for their honeymoon [and despite the fact that their wedding wasn't for a few weeks yet - it could wait - so why not have the honeymoon first..]; while nearby her co-worker (and BFF..) Marina was busy downloading her latest updates from her cousin Sergei Romanov III, (: second-under-secretary to the Grand Inquisitor of the Knights Templar, liaison to Opus Dei, and a Grand Master in the little-known and generally-unheard-of anti-terrorist division of the St Vincent de Paul Society..)

usmc1

08-29-2007, 10:00 AM

Hammer-head lowered the gun and laid it on the bar smiling at McGuffin as a large shaggy white dog with golden ears (Golden Retriever/Pyranees mix)came strolling from the men's room saying, "Ok, it's worse than herding cats in a thunderstorm, but things are going according to plan and right on schedule---except for those damned fire ants---let's load up the war wagon and head into town to survey our handiwork".

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-29-2007, 08:59 PM

Originally posted by usmc1:
Hammer-head lowered the gun and laid it on the bar smiling at McGuffin as a large shaggy white dog with golden ears (Golden Retriever/Pyranees mix)came strolling from the men's room saying, "Ok, it's worse than herding cats in a thunderstorm, but things are going according to plan and right on schedule---except for those damned fire ants---let's load up the war wagon and head into town to survey our handiwork".
At which suggestion, Hammerhead and McGuffin both barked (in unison): "Woof-woof!"

usmc1

08-30-2007, 04:55 AM

As McGuffin, Hammer-Head and the dog arrived in town and parked by the long-closed Bijou movie theater with Les__e Ho_ard in The S_arle_ Pimp___l letters still dangling on the marque they watched as fumigators streamed into the police station, children and hysterical women milled about the town square shrieking and wailing, oldsters roamed aimlessly ogling 20-somethings with bare midriffs and pierced navels, and the mayor, Millie Mediocre, was announcing on a bull-horn that relief was on its way and that someone named Brownie was on his way to do one helluva job for them and that meanwhile the chief of Police and Rachel Ray would be handing out PB&J sandwiches and that later in the day Bobby Flay would be having a throw-down with Gertrude the fry cook at Big Mama MayBelle's Soul food Emporium and Body Waxing Salon.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-30-2007, 07:12 AM

...while in the alley behind the Bijou, a group of teenagers, who appear to many to be no better than juvenile delinquents with absolutely no idea of what to do with their lives, arrange the L, I, W, C, T, E, R, N and E, which had been removed (nobody really seems to know by whom or why) from the theater's marquee after the last showing of "Scarlet Pimpernel" on January 8, 1935, in apparently random, meaningless configurations on the ground---the truth is they are firm believers in the existence of extra-terrestrial life, not just in general but specifically in its existence on the planet Zeptabalon, from which the mothership is sent on a reconnaissance mission every 6,500 years to search the earth for signs of intelligent (as opposed to merely human) life--and there is something of a local urban legend regarding the removal of the letters as an attempt to signal the extra-terrestrial visitors...

nudebushwalker

08-30-2007, 09:08 AM

As the NSB_Policeman reached his sweet Felicity, and her BFF, the fair Marina - now standing quietly off to one side of the town square, opposite all the to'ings-and-fro'ings that were going on outside the old Bijou theatre - he was just in time to see the grand old oak tree (that had proudly stood looking out over their village since the days of the American Civil War..) burst into flames, and explode onto the Cozy Tots Day Care Centre, where the raging fire was now also moving onto the neighbouring Shady Grove Retirement Home and Naturist Gardens...
[which occurrence in itself was pretty noteworthy - as this raging fire had covered the 80 miles from Gotham's Landing in such a record time - which only seems to happen in 'B Grade' movies, and SF stories..]

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-30-2007, 08:23 PM

Originally posted by nudebushwalker:
As the NSB_Policeman reached his sweet Felicity, and her BFF, the fair Marina - now standing quietly off to one side of the town square, opposite all the to'ings-and-fro'ings that were going on outside the old Bijou theatre - he was just in time to see the grand old oak tree (that had proudly stood looking out over their village since the days of the American Civil War..) burst into flames, and explode onto the Cozy Tots Day Care Centre, where the raging fire was now also moving onto the neighbouring Shady Grove Retirement Home and Naturist Gardens...
[which occurrence in itself was pretty noteworthy - as this raging fire had covered the 80 miles from Gotham's Landing in such a record time - which only seems to happen in 'B Grade' movies, and SF stories..] ...(Naturist Gardens), where the lady from Childrens' Protective Services had just met the love of her life: a Kluvian xuve from the planet Zeptabalon (whose homing beacon had been zeroing in on her platinum blonde bee-hive hairdo ever since its probe had splashed-down in the middle of the Arabian Sea)...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

08-31-2007, 09:18 AM

...as soon as the Kluvian xuve had installed its translation apparatus it announced that it needed the help of at least two people in putting out the raging fire and while it extended a tentacle with which it began drilling down to the aquifer it handed (or, more accurately, "appendaged") a scrap of paper to a bystander instructing him to request the following items from the Naturist Gardens' bartender:
1. a funnel
2. a quart of buttermilk
3. half a cup of Arm & Hammer baking soda
4. a 4 oz. bottle of Angostura bitters
5. as much anchovy paste as can be found

Which items being produced, it asked the lady from Childrens' Protective Services (whose name happens to be Arlene) to insert the tube of the funnel into the blowhole on the top of its head and no more than two seconds elapsed after the concoction was poured before a five mile high geyser erupted spraying the surface of the entire county with a beige colored, sticky, foamy, flame-retardant liquid which began to extinguish the fire--and at this point, many people began passing out because of the incredibly pungent odor that ensued (basically a cross between Stanser Schafkase cheese and rotting fish)...

nudebushwalker

08-31-2007, 08:31 PM

Down in a dark and dusty archive, off the ancient cataracts stretching beneath the Vatican, Sergei Romanov III [whose great-grandfather Sergei was a little known (and internationally unrecognised..) second cousin to the Russian royal family - and who had never quite reconciled with the bulk of his family, due to his refusal to convert to their Orthodox beliefs, and his continued membership in the Knights Templar and Opus dei - and therefore it was fairly easy for him to move the remnants of his family to Italy, where now - three and four generations later - they were deeply enmeshed in the machinations of the Vatican's more shadowy operations...] stretched out languorously in his chair, having just completed the latest data transfer to his cousin, (and Knights Templar intern, and Opus Dei member..) Romanova Marina, when suddenly a warning beacon lit up, with accompanying siren noises and flashing colours, and his computer woke up with an 'ET Contact - Alien Activity' banner scrolling across the screen...

usmc1

09-01-2007, 04:07 AM

The shaggy white dog, McGuffin and Hammer-head grinned at each other like possums licking persimmons through a wire-brush and climbed out of the black Suburban and made their way toward Arlene and the Kluvian, fanning out and checking their weapons as they neared the odd pair.

nudebushwalker

09-01-2007, 04:49 AM

"Pheewwww...." muttered Marina - as she lifted herself back up, brushing off the repulsive and glutinous liquid dripping over everything in sight, and pushing her handbag back out of the way, turned to Felicity and her fiancee (who had actually been christened Ferdinand, but everyone called him NeSBitt on account of his reputation as the not_so_bright_policemen...) - and declared "... it smells like a high school changeroom out here - that pesky Kluvian must be back in town.."

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-01-2007, 09:58 AM

...as the smoldering embers of the fire are dying out, the intrepid few who are still left standing and conscious after the inundation, are joined by Arlene from Childrens' Protective Services (the Kluvian being, strangely, nowhere in sight) who hands them a portable DVD player for them to watch a multimedia presentation prepared by the Zepatabalonians on the menace to earthlings posed by a "sinister hexketelic conpsiratorial confederation of 50,000 galaxies of Zepta-Tronians" and as the presentation starts, Arlene mysteriously disappears herself:

"No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water."
[War of the Worlds]

And verily did H. G. Wells write in 1898 just as if he were writing today in the first years of the 21st century about the impending end of life as earthlings know it as far across the light years of space a sinister mind ray has been developed by a sinister society known as the Hexketelic ZeptaTronians. A diabolic mind ray that is about to wreak havoc with your food supply. Oh what unimaginable mayhem will be seen in the streets of your great urban metropolises and on the once fertile green fields of your sprawling countrysides once the mind ray has worked its subtle sabotage on the minds of.....no, not you humans but on the quiet, industrious, unquestioning little brains of....yes, bees!

COLONY COLLAPSE DISORDER--you've already read the newspaper reports about the coming catastrophe: deep within beehives brood cells are no longer being capped in sufficient numbers to ensure the release of honey bees to go out into your world and pollinate the crops of almonds, soybeans, apples, peaches, pears, cherries, raspberries, blackberries, cranberries, watermelons, cantaloupes, cucumbers and strawberries---multi-billion dollar cash crops that keep your economy going and keep you humans alive and healthy!

Yet now is not the time to give up hope for on the superior and slightly more technologically advanced Zeptabalonian civilization of Zeptabalon, we Zeptabalonians have developed countermeasures against the mindray which are now here on your planet in the care of a Kluvian xuve and ready for deployment. All that was needed was a human sporting an organic facsimile of a beehive on his or her head who is willing to stand inside the Mind Ray jammer so that the image of an architectonically correct beehive can be transmitted to the minds of the earth's bees once again--for this is how the mind ray has been working its destruction, by interfering with the structural integrity of the hive.

But even as we speak the mavens of earth's hair fashions have been predicting a crash in the popularity of the hair-do as precipitous as what occurred during the late 1960s which means the window of opportunity for saving the earth is most likely closing fast (The efforts of a few devotees notwithstanding: Gary Larson and his "Far Side" comics, the creators of Marge Simpson, John Waters and his "Hairspray" movies, Harriet Wheeler, the release of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" on DVD, as well as upcoming concert appearances by the B52s at the Los Angeles County Fair in Pomona and in Salt Lake City, Utah.)
......

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-01-2007, 11:46 AM

....meanwhile, back in "the boot" (i.e. Italy), one of McGuffin's european contacts leaves a message on his cell phone suggesting that he steer clear of the attempt to save the Earth, which at this juncture is nothing more elaborate than, in a nutshell, a search for a three-holed electrical outlet in which to plug a so-called "Zeptabalonian Mind Ray jammer", as a much more serious crisis is developing as a result of the sudden loss of special consultative status for the Knights Templar as a now former official United Nations Non-Governmental Organization, while the Knights' assets have been acquired in a "fire sale" by a global investment group which is known by the acronym CLUTCHES--which, in the words of McGuffin's contact, puts all operations in "logistical limbo": the Grand Inquisitor, for instance, has already returned to his old job managing the Vatican gift shop...

nudebushwalker

09-02-2007, 09:04 AM

"Hey!! Mac', Scruffy, Ham' - we're heading off on a summer holiday! Just for a week or two.. Could you give us a lift to the Airport - next stop, Rome.." Marina said to McGuffin - who had taken point, flanked by the shaggy dog and Hammer-head, each armed with an automatic pistol in one hand and a phaser in the other; "and don't you worry about our KT/OD mainframe being sold off to the PBL Casino development in Macau, either - cousin Sergei has all our relevant data backed up to the Romanov networks, so we can access whatever we need from the internet at any time..."

************************************************** *************************

[ Footnote : After the 1917 Bolshi' Russian revolution, and the abdication of Nicholas II, Romanov Sergei, little-known second cousin to Nicholas, had fled to Italy - and to the family's vineyards in the hills outside of Rome; where he was able to reaffirm his Catholicism, strengthen his ties to the Knights Templar, rise further into Opus Dei, and helped to organise a new anti-terrorist division (which would then be able to use the world-wide charity connections of the St Vincent de Paul Society, to provide a suitable cover for their more clandestine - but still extremely necessary - activities..); and from here Sergei was also able to rekindle some of his ancestral connections with the European aristocracy, which dated back to the Holstein-Gottorp-Romanov Dynasty of the 18th and 19th centuries, when his forefathers had married wives from German, English and other closely related royal lineages...
As the 20th Century rolled on the Italian Romanov clan's fortunes grew, and Sergei's sons, daughters and grandchildren were able to expand the families fortunes to encompass their own global corporation - buying sheep properties in Australia and Scotland in the 1930's, beef farming interests in Argentina, Australia and Canada in the 1950's, setting up new vineyards in California, Chile and the Hunter Valley in the 1960's, investing in ski' resorts in Canada, New Zealand, Wyoming, Chile, Japan and Russia as those opportunities arose, and even moving back to their old family home in Yoshka Ola in 1991, and buying into a local truck factory soon afterwards - so that now Sergei III, and his cousin Marina, find themselves in a strong and flexible position, ready to withstand the oncoming tribulations and onslaughts thrust upon them by the twin evils of globalisation and leveraged-buy-out investment groups (esp. the CLUTCHES Corp., which their intel' already tells them is financially backed by some of their known enemies..). ]

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-02-2007, 10:22 AM

...returning home from the now extinguished conflagration, Felicity reaches for the telephone to leave a message on Ferdinand's answering machine asking that they meet for dinner anywhere but at the seafood restaurant, she having suddenly lost her appetite for that odoriferous delicacy, when she is interrupted by a phone call from the program manager of the classic rock station congratulating her on winning the trip for two to Italy and inviting her to accept the prize in person tomorrow evening on the air on the Flash Williams show, and only to have that phone call followed, in short order by a knock on the door, which she opens to be greeted by a courier who hands her a package containing:
1. a boarding pass for one person for a flight leaving for Italy at four o'clock that very afternoon
2. a counterfeited Italian passport with her photograph but with the name of Maria Allegrini
3. 5,000 Euros in paper currency
which is followed, in even shorter order ( no more than 8 seconds) by a bizarre, obviously threatening, vaguely obscene phone call from a man who only identifies himself as Moraldo, who speaks with more than a trace of an Italian accent and breathes deeply throughout the conversation while nearby the sound of what could be someone shucking oysters (or doing any number of things) is also heard over the phone while he very strongly suggests that she take all of the following into consideration:
Uno : His homeland of Italy is, as she knows, the most beautiful country in the world, especially at this time of year
Due : He has also heard some reports that she is currently under investigation for trafficking in all manner of illegal narcotics
Tre : He has heard that her fiance, is also about to be implicated and that he is currently having very serious money problems
Quattro : That if these things are not in fact true just yet, he is, nevertheless, someone who is in a good position to know that they most assuredly will be very soon
Cinque : That he himself has had to face similar accusations of narcotics trafficking in the past and is, thus, someone who could be very helpful in getting her through what promises to be a very "unpleasant experience" if she would only consent to meet him for "un aperitivo" ("as you say in English a 'coc-tail'") as soon as she arrives in Italy after which they will discuss many "big and beautiful" things, and the 5,000 euros is, of course, also just "un aperitivo" after which there will be "bigger and more beautiful" things...

nudebushwalker

09-03-2007, 05:25 AM

"Okay, Mac', our financials are all squared up and secured..",
Marina said to McGuffin, replacing her Palm pocket computer into her handbag after 'bluetoothing' new access codes into his p/c, (and all the while pointedly ignoring the grunts and groans coming from the middle row of seats, where Shaggy and Ham' were deeply involved in the 'Doom3' game they had loaded into the Playstation console set into the backs of the front bucket seats..) as he steered the black Suburban ('standard issue' - but since highly modified..) into the airport parking lot,
"doesn't matter what they try to do to us, now - we have 5 million Euro's cash in assorted currencies, and 5 million dollars in gold bullion, stashed in caches at our safe-houses around the globe, plus 20 million dollars in bank accounts in Geneva, the Bahamas and the Cayman Islands, that will keep our Master Cards in the black..."

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-03-2007, 09:49 AM

...in the woods above the Naturist Gardens, the Kluvian now tells Arlene the complicated truth that she must be aware of until they go any further: that the overwhelming physical attraction that she has been feeling for the Kluvian is actually only the result of being irradiated with pheromones ever since their first contact, which he assures her must be done, not as she might understandably suspect, to allow a Kluvian to seduce a human woman, but simply to counteract the extreme hideousness of the Kluvian species (to human eyes) which, if it weren't for the pheromonic irradiation, would render it utterly impossible for them to work together because of the inevitable visceral response on Arlene's part--and this is also why it will be necessary to limit its contact with humans as much as possible (thus requiring Arlene's service as a liaison)--to all of which Arlene protests that the most formative experience of her childhood was reading Charles Perrault's version of the beloved fairy tale "Beauty and the Beast" and she as well as anyone appreciates the moral of that literary masterpiece, to wit, that outward appearances are merely superficial and will always be overcome when there is nobility of character inside--and at this point the Kluvian xuve points an appendage at a tangled, lacerated, mess of flesh covered with oozing white slime under Arlene's foot and says "you have only to get back in touch with your intuition to confront what you know deep down inside to be the truth, that you will eventually have to live with the objective evidence of your own eyes--for my supply of pheromones is not unlimited--that I am in fact one big ugly alien and in the end you'll sooner fall in love with that mutilated potato bug" (which Arlene had inadvertently stomped on during her vehement protestation of a moment before) but "we are running out of time and must move on to our safe house to establish contact with the organized resistance to the ZeptaTronians and begin deploying the mind ray jammer" and with that they proceeded to Mo Espinosa's (of Mo's Hardware) house...

nudebushwalker

09-04-2007, 04:53 AM

"Ichi, ni, san, shi, go..."
exclaimed NeSBitt (aka Ferdinand), as he slid forward into a half crouching fighting stance, weight centred over his back foot, front foot just lightly touching the floor - his black silk gi glimmering in the afternoon sun streaming into his local dojo, as he faced the Japanese script Mas Oyama Kyokushin kai over the front wall, and began his usual kata - block, block, punch, block (turn) block, kick, punch, strike, block (turn) block, kick, kick, block, strike (turn) block, strike, block, kick (turn) block, kick, kick, block, punch; when his sensei (and brother..) Chuck drew him aside, and said :
"I heard Fee on the radio, winning that holiday - looks like you're set for a honeymoon now - are you still right for that double date, with Marina and me later this week ?"

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-04-2007, 06:17 PM

...with brother Billy's keys (obtained after some difficulty establishing their credentials as bona fide anti-ZeptaTronians) Arlene and the xuve enter the Espinosa household, only to find, in confirmation of Arlene's warning about Mo being known for not always practicing everything he preaches, that there isn't a single grounded outlet in the house thus forcing the xuve to scroll down the roster of resistance agents in its cyberdossier to the name of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and, disassembling the mind ray jammer, it instructs Arlene to prepare to debrief TMNT at his place of employment, Frankie's Pizza...

nudebushwalker

09-04-2007, 10:26 PM

Over on the other side of town, having hosed down first their bicycles, and then themselves in Grandma's backyard - and before getting ready for his 4 p.m. shift at Frankie's Pizza - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was rubbing Granny down with scented almond oil, as he moved on from a sensual Balinese/Tantric full-body massage (learnt during his decade of beach-combing, and generally bumming around, in Indonesia and the South Pacific after the somewhat acrimonious breakup of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all those years ago..) and lifted his still-well-muscled and bicycling-honed naked and oiled body onto her (also well-toned and well tanned..) legs and back, and slid into his famous signature 'full bodyslide' massage technique...

[note: 'Granny' isn't to be confused here with TMNT's own grandmother, who was at this moment sunning herself over near the side garden..].

usmc1

09-05-2007, 03:33 AM

Meanwhile, back at the Serene Seas trailer court, the unholy shade of Gale Force was rising from the ashes singing Peter, Paul and Mary's hit song; If I Had A Hammer.

nudebushwalker

09-05-2007, 08:50 AM

At the same time, back over in the dojo, - with this afternoons students yelling out their own unique war cry as they worked through their routines, [ which war cry was actually adapted from a rare upper Mongolian dialect that sensei Chuck had picked up on a backpacking retreat back in the 90's - whereupon with the judicious application of voice control, Maori 'haka' techniques and just plain loud yelling, it sounded a lot like the traditional Japanese karate yells - but in reality, it literally translated as "In Your Ear With A Bottle Of Beer !!"], NeSBitt and Chuck were starting to pack away some of the equipment - when a courier entered and handed them an envelope, which contained two economy-class round-the-world air tickets, fully-covered travel insurance policies, and a note from Marina, informing them that "the game was afoot..", and telling them to be prepared to travel at a moment's notice...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-05-2007, 11:19 AM

...en route to Frankie's Pizza, Arlene suddenly swerves to avoid hitting a bullfrog in the middle of the road, slamming Mo Espinosa's pickup truck into a telephone pole (and in the process throwing the Kluvian xuve from the back of Mo's truck and into a barbed wire fence, which rips open its tentacle causing it to gush out irreplenishable xuvian life fluid) but, showing quick thinking and an excellent memory as well as exemplary skills at diplomacy and negotiation she recalls an item of gossip regarding a recent incident at the Bucket of Blood Roadhouse involving some hysterical moms trampling a man and, utilising the resources available to her in the xuve's cyber dossier, she e-mails a sleeper cell of Knights Templar paramedics and upon receiving an immediate response, works out a treaty reactivating the four hours defunct Knights Templar organization and allying said organization with the intergalactic anti-ZeptaTronian resistance in exchange for a down payment of 100 million US dollars wired to the Knights' Vatican account and more to follow later on the condition (as spelled out in the terms of the treaty) that the Knights Templar paramedics arrive before the duct tape from Mo's tool box ceases to stem the bleeding life fluid and Knights Templar paramedics arriving in da nick o' time, in lieu of the standard debriefing they are simply told: "Fellas, that's one sexy alien, but the fate of the Earth hangs in the balance, so don't get fresh!"...

nudebushwalker

09-07-2007, 03:18 AM

On her way into the airport lounge, Marina made a quick detour to an airport locker, where she removes a satchel (containing her 40 cal. plastic bodied Glock, three 15-round magazines, gun-cleaning kit, telescopic baton, mace, and Leatherman..) from the centre compartment of her handbag, [ah, yes - Marina's handbag - kevlar reinforced, lead lined, cut-proof straps - and multi-compartmented to organise all the technology and weaponry she may require; and at the same more compact and practical then the multiple pockets and assorted satchels most of the men usually had to rely on..], and replaced it with a couple of nylon pouches, one with basic toiletries and one with a basic change of clothes - where having another 15 identical satchels and stashes in lockers, post office private-boxes, or bank safety deposit boxes, at key sites around the world means she is always prepared, without unduly alerting airport security whilst in transit...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-07-2007, 10:58 AM

...while sitting on the couch looking through the courier's package, Felicity, sets everything aside and has a flashback to the summer when she had graduated from high school: she sits on a Green Tortoise bus somewhere in the Yucatan peninsula, while on someone else's radio she hears Grace Slick's voice singing: "When logic and proportion have fallen softly dead..."....

nudebushwalker

09-07-2007, 10:03 PM

Midway over the Atlantic, Marina reclines her seat, the dulcet tones of M.C. Hammer on her iPod; whilst a black Suburban speeds along the Interstate towards Metropolis, the songs of Rogers and Hammerstein surrounding its three inhabitants; and back in town, the mellow sounds of Led Zeppelin fills the room, as Ferdinand and Chuck pack their essential kit into a couple of daypacks...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-07-2007, 11:13 PM

...bringing Mo's pickup to a screeching halt in the parking lot of Frankie's Pizza once she espies TMNT loading five extra large pepperoni and mushroom pizzas into the back of an extra small Toyota Yaris Liftback, Arlene, still going over her "parking lot" speech in her head, at least starts off on the right foot by calling our thirty something Teenage mutant by his ninja turtle nom de guerre (which not every body knows, by the way): "Botticelli, we're Zeptatronians from the anti-sinister congenital herpetic...uh, uh.. anti earthlings from the Hexketelic, conspiratorial anti-resistance....excuse me, we're from the resistance...to the 50,000 galaxies...and we need your help..."
to all of which, TMNT Botticelli responds--as cool as a cucumber (despite having dropped an order of sauteed zucchini and squash in his initial surprise) "You mean to say you're from the resistance to the 800,000 galaxies of the Zegnatronic Omegalogical rocket society?!"
Arlene: "Well, no... or yes! We are the resistance to the 50,000 sinister galaxies of the hexketelic conspiratorial confederacy of ZeptaTronians and we need your help to stop the mind ray!"
And without another word TMNT is off in his Toyota to pick up Granny and Grandma (with the five extra large pepperoni and mushroom pizzas, just in case you're forgetting those) and from there straight to San Francisco, California to join the real resistance (to the 800,000 galaxies of the Zegnatronic Omegalogical Rocket Society) led by famous San Francisco street protestor, Frank Chu (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Chu), whom they actually saw once the last time they were in San Francisco...

nudebushwalker

09-11-2007, 05:33 AM

Marina exits the airport, to a waiting black Volkswagen Toureg (driven by cousin Sergei), and they speed off towards downtowm Milan - the morning sun streaming through clearing storm clouds; all the time oblivious to a strange and sinister figure - conspicuous due to the fact it was dressed in a calf-length Armani leather coat (and matching floppy leather hat), despite the 35 degree (celsius..) heat - standing on the other side of the street, its flesh pulsating and effervescing through various shades of green, purple and orange, as it lifts a cellphone in one of it's four six-fingered hands up to the central of three nasal-type orifices, which sort-of-hovers in the middle of where a face would normally be...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-11-2007, 07:21 PM

...and makes a phone call to its fellow ZeptaTronian contact at Frankie's Pizza, Pthuph-thweeg (which is wearing a human suit and is known by the people at Frankie's as Becky the new girl) to get the latest intelligence concerning reports of Zeptabalonian activity...

nudebushwalker

09-12-2007, 06:22 AM

As the black Suburban swept along towards San Francisco, a gentle Irish folk song playing on the radio [ '... Give Me a Hammer' (http://www.of-ireland.info/music/hammer.html) ], Ham' turned to Shaggy - "You said you always wanted to see the Golden Gate Bridge - now's your chance.."

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-12-2007, 11:33 AM

...the keen eyes of a peregrine falcon circling high above Frankie's Pizza lock momentarily on the Chicken Marsala in "Becky the new girl's" hand only to recall in its equally keen memory a review of Frankie's Chicken Marsala ("utterly inedible") it had keenly spotted in a newspaper left in a recycling bin earlier that week when suddenly a pigeon decides that Becky's green spiked hair would be as keen a place as any other to stop and do #2--only to be grabbed in the talons of the above mentioned peregrine falcon along with all of "Becky's" green hair thus exposing to all and to immediate spectroscopic analysis on the part of the Kluvian Xuve the tell-tale polymeric structure of the ZeptaTronian scalp and entailing just as immediately:
1. ditching any further preparations for the deployment of the mind ray jammer at Frankie's Pizza as well as transportation of same jammer to a secret location without further delay
2. a quick cell phone call by the Xuve to Mo Espinosa regarding the status of Plan B (update: Mo currently is headed back home with a cheater plug purchased from long-time competitor Nasty Pete)
3. preparations for a Plan C --the Xuve e-mails Knights Templar paramedic crew about the possibility of heading off a Toyota Yaris Liftback (license plate: TMNT4VR) currently headed west on Grand Avenue...

nudebushwalker

09-13-2007, 02:03 AM

Unaware of what was unfolding back at Frankie's Pizza, NeSBitt and Chuck were currently speeding up the freeway towards San Francisco in Chuck's black Trans Am 327_Turbo (early 80's vintage, with a red, yellow and orange 'rising Phoenix' blazing across the hood..), when a gently lulling rendition of Peter, Paul and Mary's 'If I Had a Hammer' came over the radio - "that sounds like Gale Force" remarked NeSBitt, "I didn't know she was recording her singing..."

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-13-2007, 10:30 AM

...as Arlene and the xuve take off in hot pursuit of the Toyota Yaris going west on Grand Avenue, Frankie commandeers no longer incognito Pthuph-thweeg's moped and takes off in hot and furious pursuit of five pepperoni and mushroom pizzas westbound on Grand Avenue, which should have been eastbound on Grand Avenue as long as five minutes ago, having ignored the crackling hissing sound emitted from where Pthuph-thweeg's (which is now on the cell phone with its contact in Italy describing its dilemma and hearing nothing but the same crackling hissing sound in response) face would normally be (if it were normal like you and me, or even like my golden retriever Goldie, or for that matter our friend the xuve which has a face even if you wouldn't want to look at it without a good blast of those pheromones which make you feel like you're in the presence of Racquel Welch lookin' like she did in One Million Years B.C....

blackbare6

09-13-2007, 07:53 PM

Jesus, Rachel Welch, Trans-Ams? Who writes this stuff?

nudebushwalker

09-14-2007, 07:42 AM

"It's a song about love
between all of my brothers and my sisters"

the eerie strains of Gale Force's ethereal and otherworldly rendition filled the air in the Suburban containing our three intrepid Knights, Chuck's Trans_Am racing up the highway, and the fair Felicity's bedroom as she continued to mull over the couriers' envelope -

"..and that was Gale Force there, here on Radio NetherWorldFM, proudly sponsored by the Zegnatronic Omegalogical rocket society, and next along we have a special preview of the latest effort by the Legion of Good Ol' Soggy Bottom Cowboys -"

(Oh Wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, ow-wow...)

My ol' woman did leave me for another man;
And then my favourite dog done up and died..
oh woe is me (oh wo, wo, wo, wo, woe-is-me..)
And I cain't drive me truck no more,
now gas is past 5 bucks a gallon...

(Chorushttp://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif)
Oh, Momma's don't let your sons grow up to be cowgirls..

Oh woe is me.. I had to shoot another dog..
I think I'll go and skin a hog...
nobody loves me.. everybody hates me..
I think I'll go and live in a bog...

(Chorushttp://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif)
Oh, Momma's don't let your sons grow up to be cowgirls...

(Oh wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, oh woe-is-me..).

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-14-2007, 10:54 AM

...the Toyota Yaris having disappeared over the horizon a minute ago, the xuve now informs Arlene that Plan B (returning to Mo's house and the cheater plug) is now their best option--panic about Colony Collapse Disorder is now assuming epic proportions (at least according to a morning news story on Fox News, in which the anchor blamed a "conspiracy led by liberals, Democrats and terrorists")--and in response to Arlene's concerns about the risk of being electrocuted it replies : "Right now, electrocution is among the lesser of our worries"
and that's when Arlene's jaw dropped open...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-15-2007, 11:06 AM

..."Ha qualcosa da dichiarare?"
And, in response to the customs agent at Fiumicino Airport, Felicity, while still waving the Italian passport of Maria Allegrini, grimaces as pathetically as possible and points her finger at her throat as she squeaks out the only word she can remember from two semesters of Italian at community college: "La-rin-gi-te!" (Laryngitis)...

nudebushwalker

09-16-2007, 06:24 AM

[Note: My previous post, which should have been #101, between Kevin's last two entries, was delayed by the word filters (objecting to one of my words!), so I just hope if and when it bounces back, it will be in the right place..].

Botticelli sped along the street in front of Grandma's house, pulled hard on the hand_brake at the same time as he wrenched down hard on the steering wheel, and slid around to pull (in reverse..) into Grandma's driveway...
as Grandma and Granny were putting away the latest additions to their antique cast iron frying pan collections, alongside (the late and dearly departed..) Granddad's classic ball-pein and cross-pein hammers, and locking the garage..
where they had also laid out and prepared two pump-action 12-gauge riot guns, two AK47's (w. grenade launchers), and an AK74 (w. 4x scope and laser sight), in readiness for the TMNT's expected arrival.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-16-2007, 10:08 AM

..."For 17,000 of your earth years I endured excruciating agony and was driven to the point of the deepest abyss of existential despair by the tortures inflicted on my body and mind in the prisons of the ZeptaTronians until I ultimately relented and betrayed a whole continent, Kluvia--my own, and allowed them to be carried off into slavery and consigned to the same tortures I had known--quantum bombardment with hexketelic rays, ZeptaTronian noise torture, and other methods of which I have no record in my damaged memory--until I alone returned to face the shame no other Zeptabalonian has ever had to face, and attempted to live once again among Xuvians with the evidence of my tortures all over my body to remind everyone, above all of my own failure and treachery"
and as the xuve described the fate worse than mere electrocution that awaited anyone who fell into the clutches of the ZeptaTronians (all the while speaking through its projectile mouth as it sat in the back of Mo's pickup truck, with its Pheromonic irradiator switched off so as not to, uhh... distract Arlene while driving) Arlene made a U-turn pursuant to the execution of Plan B (deployment of the mind ray jammer with a cheater plug at Mo Espinosa's house) when a red light in the xuve's cyber dossier started flashing "Sociological Complication + Danger level increasing exponentially" as soon as a human (Frankie, of Frankie's Pizza) was seen heading their way on a moped which the xuve just as quickly recognized as having been formerly in the possession of a ZeptaTronian...

nudebushwalker

09-17-2007, 05:32 AM

As Felicity was attempting to clear customs at Fiumicino Airport, from several metres away she is being quietly observed by the one-and-only, and quite attractive, Tanya Olivetti - once long, long ago, an old school friend of Marina Romanova, before swinging over to the dark side and now working in Acquisitions and Takeovers for CLUTCHES Corp., (though she still carries a bit of a torch for Marina's cousin Sergie - she always considered him a bit of a cutie - and there was that one summer when they were still at college..) - who leans over the Blackberry sitting on her newspaper, and emails her ZeptraTronian allies : 'Target #3 has arrived Fiumicino Airport, travelling on false passport - alias Maria Allegrini; haven't yet ascertained why she hasn't yet contacted target #2 - Marina R. - more later...'

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-17-2007, 04:01 PM

...at the blinking of the red light, the xuve switches into speed-contemplation mode for two seconds, during which it studies an intercepted phone call by an irate man who identifies himself as Larry D. Jerk of 1400 Chestnut Lane and demands to know when he can expect the delivery of his five pepperoni and mushroom pizzas only to be told by a young man named Justin who claims to be the only person now working at Frankie's Pizza that "a woman driving a big pickup truck with a monster in back scared away the delivery guy and then a falcon ripped the green hair off the waitress's head and it turned out her real hair was even weirder than green and then my boss left on her moped and I aint seen her since and my ride's here now and I aint stayin' more 'n ten minutes" in response to which Mr. Jerk reminds him of their policy spelled out in black and white (well, black and yellow in the yellow pages but it's all the same to Mr. Jerk) that if the order is not delivered within thirty minutes (within the thirty block radius of the regular delivery area) it's free(!), followed by a wikipedia article tagged as relevant by the cyber dossier on a human concept called the "prime directive" attributed either to George L. Coon or Theodore Sturgeon, writers for a series of electronic media dramatizations called "Star Trek", which places strict limits on interactions with lesser advanced civilizations, as well as all pertinent STAR TREK episodes listed in the wikipedia article (including "The Trouble With Tribbles" twice) followed by an internet article on another human concept: "Giving two weeks' notice", an optimistic assessment predicting a successful anti-ZeptaTronian resistance lasting no more than one week, plus Former (?) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Botticelli's current bank account balance: $7.56, and finally an assortment of internet articles, newspaper clippings, websites relating to one Frank Chu of Oakland and his Zegnatronic Omegalogical Rocket Society concept, as well as some photos on Flickr of Frank at the Twelve Galaxies Bar and a website selling Frank Chu T-shirts for men, women and children as well as a Frank Chu thong

and after speed-contemplating all the above the Xuve notifies the Knights Templar paramedic crew of a modification in Plan C, and over the cell phone solemnly bestows upon them the authority to negotiate a treaty of alliance between the intergalactic anti-ZeptaTronian resistance and the intergalactic anti-Zegnatronic Omegalogical resistance, under the terms that five pepperoni and mushroom pizzas be delivered to Mr. Larry D. Jerk of 1400 Chestnut Lane--preferably within the advertised 30 minute time frame (12 minutes remaining)...

nudebushwalker

09-18-2007, 05:41 AM

After doing a quick spin around some of the fashion houses in Milan, Marina and Sergei are heading north towards the mountains, when Marina's cell phone rings - with Chuck informing her that he and Ferdinand had met up with 'the Three Amigos' in 'frisco, and were currently setting up a command post in the Knights Templar's permanent suite at the Hilton Garden Inn - to which Marina replies that she hasn't heard from Felicity as yet, but hoped to soon...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-18-2007, 07:09 PM

... Ten freshly baked pepperoni and mushroom pizzas are presented free of charge and in person by a profusely apologetic Frankie to a simultaneously furious and ravenous Mr. Larry D. Jerk on the doorstep of 1400 Chestnut Lane along with a complimentary side salad with 100% fat free Italian Dressing for Larry's girlfriend Anorexic Annabelle (who had been threatening to eat an entire slice herself throughout the ninety minute ordeal)

while approximately half a mile east of the Alameda county line (and precisely where the Toyota Yaris had run out of gas) the negotiations initiated by the Intergalactic Anti-ZeptaTronian resistance came to an abrupt halt as the result of a snooty remark by Knights Templar paramedic Steve about the "whole ZegnaTronic Omegalogical Rocket Society (being) yet another internet conspiracy theory best taken with the proverbial 'grain of salt'" which comment is immediately followed by the flashing of a turquoise light on the cyber dossier ("Proverbial Expressions") followed by more speed contemplation by the xuve--which lasts all of a pico second when the device mysteriously malfunctions prompting the Kluvian to place the suction cup of its tentacle over Arlene's sweaty forehead and then present for TMNT's dumbfounded inspection a larger than average grain of non-proverbial sodium chloride...

nudebushwalker

09-19-2007, 03:13 AM

At their freshly organised San Francisco command centre, our intrepid five have set up around a conference table in the Knight Templars permanent suite - with notebook computers, PDAs and cell phones arranged in front of comfortable leather chairs, and a pile of maps and folders in the centre - where Chuck and Ferdinand try to correlate what they already know :

* Marina and Sergie are safely ensconced in a mountain chalet in northern Italy;
* Botticelli, Grandma and Granny have met up with the Kluvian and Arlene, but still haven't left Alameda county;
* The Kluvian has been living up to expectations with all his pontificating, philosophising and procrastinating, while Arlene seems to be her regular lovelorn and awestruck self;
* Felicity was last heard of having taken an earlier flight to Italy then had been expected, and hadn't been heard from since - so was currently considered "missing-in-action";
* ZeptaTronian activity had been detected both in Milan in Italy, and back home at Frankie's Pizzeria..

but, above all, the main subject of interest for Hammerly and McGuffin was contemplating how Chuck and Ferdinand had managed to smuggle a Carl Gustaf RPG (complete with 10 rockets!!) up to the suite - let alone where it may have been stored in the Trans Am...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-19-2007, 11:29 AM

"Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac"
(Henry Kissinger)

Apparently Kissinger never met a Kluvian Xuve with a pheromonic irradiator--'cause, as for that whole "Zegnatronic Omegalogical Rocket Society"...well, once he's standing no more than three feet from those lovely, shapely, sensuous and irresistible...(ok, more like pustulent, canker-sored, swollen, and dripping with mucous) Kluvian tentacles, Ninja Turtle Botticelli can think of nothing but makin' hot nasty Zegnatronic Omegalogical love with none other than guess who (or what actually)?!! and as for those paramedics--Knights Templar Schmights Templar!!--they just gotta have that Xuve bad!

all of which is just too much for Arlene (who we all know wants the Xuve all to herself [why! that conniving two-faced.............{nevermind}])--and, in no mood to give an encore performance of her "Birds and the Bees and Pheromonic Irradiators" speech to the guys who'd heard it all before, she retrieves a copy of the morning paper from the pickup truck with an article on the back page in which an oceanographer at NASA's Goddard Space Center named Wayne Esaias claims the experiments his twelve year old son has been conducting with bee hives support a hypothesis connecting Colony Collapse Disorder to human driven climate change in the form of rising temperatures due to rapid urbanization and says nothing whatever about ZeptaTronians, Zeptabalonians, Zegnatronians (sic), mind rays or, for that matter bee-hive hairdos just like hers which she had just washed and can do nothing with...

nudebushwalker

09-23-2007, 04:00 AM

Up in their alpine chalet in the mountains to the North of Milan, Marina and Sergei were lying out on pool-side lounges, working on their allover 'tans while waiting to hear from the boys in San Francisco (and why not - what better to do while you wait - unless it's tidying up your armoury, and this days efforts were laid out before them : 40 cal. Glocks; Steyhr 5.56mm SMGs; a couple of RPGs; M1s, M2s, M14s, 15s and 16s; and a couple of (South African made) custom 12 gauge riot_guns - enough to launch your own coup, but this is war they're preparing for here..) - when Marina received an email on her Macbook, from her uncle Jack in Australia (where there are family members watching over all the Romanov estates around the globe - and down in Oz, one of Marina and Sergei's aunts had married Jack..) - wherein he tells her that some Aussie beekeepers think the Americans are talking through their hats with this colony collapse, and the general consensus is developing there that it may actually be heavy Spring dwindling, exacerbated by heavy pollution, and maybe some effect from freaky weather (and therefore some assistance from global warming, actually..), though it's concentration in parts of the USA could also still support the idea of some targeted external interference; and to support this further he had included photo's of swarms he was hiving in his backyard...

nudebushwalker

09-27-2007, 02:24 AM

Felicity finally exits Fiumicino Airport, after a couple of hours bluffing and miming her way through Customs, to be accosted by four scrawny little Latin Lotharios sitting astride their brightly coloured Vespas - dressed in a-size-too-small black leathers (with colour co-ordinated highlights and trim..) and tinted black full-face helmets - when the one in front says :
"Maria Allegrini? Moraldo has asked us take you to him at his beach house, so that you can join him for afternoon tea, and un aperitivo..."

earthpassenger(Kevin)

09-27-2007, 08:19 PM

...with the Zeptabalonian hypothesis (re C.C.D) now all but seemingly discredited, and all eyes now having regarded the anti-ZeptaTronian mind ray jammer with nothing but scorn--i.e. all eyes except one of the Kluvian Xuve's seventeen which remains fixed dutifully on the device that still carries the hopes and prayers of all Zeptabalon for the future of the universe while the other sixteen scan the horizon for signs of any ZeptaTronian activity (while studiously avoiding the gaze of Ninja Turtle Botticelli who is now tail-gating Mo Espinosa's pickup truck and lewdly ogling the Xuve all the way) the Resistance team suddenly notices the warehouses of the Society For the Vanquishment of Colony Collapse Disorder through Genetic Modification with its billboard proudly proclaiming "SUPPORT OUR DRUPES!" and announcing the first public sampling (starting in no more than ten minutes) of its crop of genetically modified and genetically modified dung-beetle pollinated almonds, apricots, cherries, nectarines, peaches, and plums...

nudebushwalker

09-30-2007, 08:16 PM

.. the pest exterminators having cleaned up the fire ant invasion had packed up and headed back to their depot; the local fire brigade had finished cleaning up around the childcare centre, old peoples' home and naturist gardens - and were now parked in front of the 'Pizzeria, where the lone attendant had dumped 5 large pizzas on them, before heading for the local bar to anaesthetise himself; the Tim Allen and Pamela Anderson 'look-a-likes' were sitting on the side of the footpath, still trying to make sense of what had unfolded around and over them, and planning on how to continue their odyssey to Las Vegas; whilst all around them a horde of still confused and dumbfounded citizens - having shed all clothing and carrying an assortment of ball-pein hammers, cast iron frying pans, and screwdrivers - was now entering the naturist gardens; and the half-exposed Becky was busily hot-wiring a Harley-Davidson parked beside the Pizzeria...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

10-05-2007, 01:38 PM

"Like envelope adhesive" according to Arlene, after biting into her genetically modified apricot--
"Like styrafoam" sez TMNT Botticelli, of his genetically modified plum--"Like ear wax" opines Knights Templar paramedic Steve on the subject of a genetically modified peach--"And what did they invent corn syrup for?!" gleefully asks Dr. Garbinski of the Society for the Vanquishment of Colony Collapse Disorder through Genetic Modification as she offers the resistance team a multi-colored handful of genetically modified fruit flavored gum drops...

nudebushwalker

10-10-2007, 05:39 AM

... them good ol' boys were sitting around the table in their hotel room, notebook computers open in front of them, checking updates from Marina and Arlene, as well as the latest Knights Templar intel', RSS feeds keeping them up with the latest relevant news, when there was a knock at the door -
"allo', Senors ? Room service..." sounded out in a scratchy, gurgling drawl..
to which Ferdinand responded by swinging a sports bag onto a sofa in one fluid movement, zipping it open and withdrawing two M4 Assault Rifles - complete with night scopes, combined silencers and flash-arrestors, grenade launchers, and two 20-round magazines gaffa-taped together; plus several spare magazines - and passed one gun over to his brother...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

10-16-2007, 03:16 PM

...meanwhile back on Main Street, McGuffin steps out of the office of Dr. Chang, a chiropractor/acupuncturist referred to him by the Knights Templar after a severe flare-up of back pain resulting from his recent trampling by "pressure cooker" moms at the Bucket of Blood only to find himself trampled in the middle of the crosswalk by three "pressure cooker" bookworms---bolting out of the "Third Place" internet cafe where they had just read the announcement of the winner of the 2007 Booker Prize and straight for the front entrance of the Barnes and Noble across the street--determined to be, each one of them, the proud owner of a brand new copy of Anne Enright's "The Gathering"...

nudebushwalker

10-19-2007, 02:56 AM

After a couple of quick circuits around the Trevi Fountain, the small and colourful convoy of Vespas headed out of Rome for the long ride down to the coast to Moraldo's villa; with Felicity clinging on behind the lead rider, her light summery dress flying up behind her, to fully expose her pink lacy (and quite revealing..) underwear - not that she was worried about such trivialities, as she was quite enjoying the wind blowing past as they sped on down the highway...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

10-20-2007, 11:16 AM

...as the resistance team makes the long walk across the Society for the Vanquishment of Colony Collapse Disorder Through Genetic Modification's parking lot towards Mo Espinosa's pickup and the Toyota Yaris, they begin to contemplate a bleak future of insipid genetically modified produce when they are suddenly met half way by the Xuve's projectile mouth (now able to project beyond both the range of the pheromonic irradiator {and beyond the range of its owner's manifestly hideous presence} after an impromptu overhaul) with which the Kluvian, after having observed their various nauseated grimaces while tasting the genetically modified goods, displays a newly acquired mastery of idiomatic English and slyly suggests: "So, maybe that mind ray jammer's worth a try after all!"...

nudebushwalker

11-02-2007, 01:05 AM

Ferdinand opened the door to show a strange and pulsating multi-coloured creature shining out of an ill-fitting maids' outfit, gurgling and hissing:
" room serviss, senno'rrsss... earthscumpreparetodie, turn down beds ? erg..umm... longlivetherevoluti... roomserv', "
as Ferdinand and Chuck brought their rifles around to aim point blank at the intruder - at which time McGuffin just happened to be dragging his over-trampled and abused body out of the elevator and into the corridor, whereupon seeing this scene unfolding before him, he pulled a sawn-off 12 Gauge shotgun out from under his coat and fired a solid slug into the intruders back:
" Eat lead and die, you lowlife alien scumbag .." he growled...

nacktman

11-03-2007, 05:50 PM

Wow, this thing has taken on a life of its own hasn't it?

usmc1

11-06-2007, 06:13 AM

Meanwhile, in the not so distant past, hard-boiled private eye, Shell Marlowe was sitting in the Co-Existence Bagel Shop studying the Death Before Dishonor Marine Corps tattoo on his forearm and drinking a double-caf, soy, latte grande while thinking to himself that he had to give up gin shooters.

He thought,"Wow, I've dreamed up one hell of a mess:space aliens, bicycling grannies on the rampage, sexy weather women, death, destruction, ball peen hammers, fire ants, and Knight Templar on Papal missions. I've got to go on the wagon."

"Maybe if I go to AA, this insanity will end! I just can't survive many more nightmares like..."

Then his thoughts were interrupted by a tall, willowy honey-blond with languid gray/green eyes, saucy nose with light sprinkling of freckles and long legs leading all the way to heaven who walked over to his table and whispered, "Shell, you life-sucking piece of gin-swilling crap. You're behind on the alimony and I'm taking the caddy until you come up with enough gingwah to get straight with me."

Shell pulled himself from his reveries and dark moods and grinned his famous trademark crooked grin that showed too many teeth but never really reached his eyes, and said, "Heya toots, still in touch with your better nature, I see. But, don't break bad on me sweetheart. I've got a plan that will put us on easy street for life. See, I got really snockered last night and had this dream that seems to have taken on a life of its own out there in the future."

He put his fingers across the woman's mouth as she started to interrupt, "Ssshhh, I know, but I've got that part figured out. There's this guy over in Cow Hollow I met on my last case that's in to astral projection who claimed he can teach me time travel. I go forward into time, clean up the mess, claim some reward money from a grateful world, and come back here and get it straight between us..."

The woman smiled coolly, "Sorry chum, not with all the Viagra in the world, I'm taking the caddy. Keys!"

nudebushwalker

11-25-2007, 03:50 AM

.. as the squealing and writhing form of the dying "scum bag alien" fell to the floor, quickly changing the colours of it's effervescing and efflorescing, pulsating and slimy form through a whole rainbow spectrum, extreme heat radiating from it as it melted into the carpet, and an obscenely sweetly sickening stench spreading around the room; Ferdinand and Chuck were drawn to the window by the familiar noise of a Harley, pulling up down in the main street several floors below...

nudebushwalker

12-10-2007, 02:14 AM

(Aarrgghh!! Where is everyone ???)

Marina and cousin Sergei were just moving back towards their Villa, as the sun was setting over the snow-capped mountains, and wondering what was going on back in California - as they hadn't heard from either team in more than two hours, now; and Felicity seemed to be MIA - when their computers started whistling and burping, and the message "WARNING - Alien Activity Detected !!!" started scrolling across the screens; and overhead in the darkening sky there suddenly appeared..

earthpassenger(Kevin)

12-10-2007, 09:57 PM

..."well, Marlowe, these asexual, effervescing, efflorescing aliens are all Jungian archetypes and I'd just love to sort it all out for you but, as you know, it's going on twenty years now since I worked at that new age book store in the lower Haight and, to put it bluntly, if you really expect to drag me off to that, uh.."villa in Italy"-- assuming your, stock broker friend still has the time share in Sausalito-- you are desperately in need of a qualified Freudian to get to work on this Oedipal thing of yours--so, yellow pages please! and forgive me for being too young to have to ask but--do Freudians accept Medicare?"...

nudebushwalker

12-15-2007, 07:15 AM

Over the Italian Alps, Kakadu and Uluru, San Francisco, the Appalachian mountains, Kiev and the Russian Great forests, Stratford-upon-Avon, Ben Nevis and Dublin, Calais, Algiers and dozens of other widely assorted, eclectic and otherwise-unrelated sites around the globe, there simultaneously appeared giant, pulsating and vibrating phallus-shaped space ships dropping down out of roiling, darkening and fast-growing storm clouds, amid crashing and boisterous thunder and lightning;
And a voice - in a strange reverberating amplified, synthesised and metallic, Swiss-German accent - rumbled out over the skies:
"Ah, yes, my dear Carl, and it is true that sometimes a cigar really is.. just a damned good smoke".

usmc1

12-17-2007, 06:17 AM

Marlowe, needing to clear his head and now without a car, stepped from the dim confines of the Co-Existence Bagel Shop into the crisp air and brightness of the mid-morning sun and decided to walk down through Chinatown and then cut past Union Square over to the Embarcadero Station to catch a city bus over to the Cow Hollow district. A normal person would have walked a few blocks over to Pierce and jumped on the trolley.

Three hours later, sweaty and disheveled, Marlowe was knocking at the side door of a Chinese laundry when a small black and white cat brushed against his leg and lisped, "Weh, weh (even Chinese cats have a probwem with the "L" sound) what blings (and the "R" too) the famous tough-guy, priwate (and the "V") dick, Shweww Mawwowe to our humble Cow Howwow abode?"

"Never mind that Mowwie, I mean Mollie (Shell being Caucasoid had no probwem, err, problems with the "L" sound) go get your master mackerel breath or I will find a hound to feed you to."

In a split second of shimmering light and the smell of decaying fish Mollie vanished and was replaced by a beautiful, nude Chinese girl of 19, who smiled at Shell and lisped, "Chawming as aw ways awen't you Shweww."

Smiling, the nude girl stepped close and whispered in Shell's ear, "My master is not here, maybe you would like for me to handle your wittwo probwem."

"No thanks, baby. Your paws, uh, hands are too cold and your nails scratch. I remember the last time you handled my BIG problem."

"Aw wight, Shweww, what-chew-wan? (Terminal "T"s are also a problem for the Asian tongue). C'mon le Mowwie fix for you."

"OK kid, but, hurry up. I gotta get about fifty years into the future. I've got an alter ego runnin' wild and stirring up a mess with more characters than a Dostoevsky short-story. I got drunk with Kerouac, Corso and Ferlinghetti on Peppermint Schnapps the other night and had this drunken dream that's taken on a life of its own in the future. And I gotta get there and set things straight and bring an end to the craziness."

The nude girl smiled and said, "wait hewe a minute," and opened the door stepped inside the dark room and then turned and motioned for Shell to follow her.

Stepping into the dark room Shell noticed that the girl had no pubic hair and thought to himself, "hhmmm, an odd fashion statement, but, I guess I could get used to it."

Then, as she passed in front of the window, a shaft of light revealed a colorful cobra tattoo twining upward around her right leg and across her hip with its striking head and blood dripping fangs positioned just above her pubic mound. "H'mmm,," he thought, "and then again, maybe not."

The girl went behind a beaded curtain and Shell heard some rattling and jingling of objects being clattered together as through small change were being tossed about in a coffee can. Shortly, the girl returned and noticing where his eyes had again strayed smiled, saying, "You wike my pretty wittow White Tiger Mr Marwowe..is new fashion for Chinese giwew. No mo haiwu down dere. Someday, aw same ever body have a White Tiger. Maybe you too Shweww--you tink?"

Marlowe gulped, but before he could speak the girl vanished and he was back outside standing on Pierce as the heavy traffic and 21st Century urban noise stunned and frightened him. Reaching out for the building wall to balance himself as two young women with bright orange and purple hair, and dog collars around their necks, and all sorts of pins and jewelry stuck through their eye-brows, ears, faces and noses strolled by holding hands, he had the quick thought, "h'mmm maybe this was not such a bright idea after all, this is definitely not the planet earth. Damn, cats can't be trusted, I should of waited for Mr. Chan."

Mike2Nude

12-17-2007, 07:37 PM

Wow, this has gotten to be a long story.

earthpassenger(Kevin)

12-17-2007, 09:51 PM

"...definitely not the planet earth...definitely not Jung...definitely not Freud...nor even Marlowe for that matter which could have been my own name all along (if names matter where I am now--which hardly seems to be much of anywhere now that all seems to be almost totally dark except for the faint light in the distance by which I occasionally am able to discern the scampering footsteps of effervescing efflorescing beings) and if I can ever remember going by a name now that "name" is just one word among many like "yesterday" and "tomorrow" are only words like "here" and "there" or "sleep" and "dream" are all just sounds first of all because I don't dream anymore don't remember waking don't remember going to sleep;could pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming but the arms aren't there to do the pinching-- could feel for the electrodes where the thoughts are put in my head but there's no there for the electrodes to be--no, not Jung not Freud...not Marlowe nor Pierce (if there was such a person or place--a street was it?)--the name is ...yes Descartes!...Descartes' Daemon!...the daemon "summe potens et callidus (supremely powerful and cunning)" and the whole external world perceived by the senses is nothing but the daemon's own diabolical fabrication!!!...

earthpassenger(Kevin)

12-21-2007, 11:24 PM

"Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da--Tequila!"
(The Champs)

Overheard at "The Doors of Dublin", a bar where Marlowe is a regular:

"Wait till you hear this! I say, just wait till you hear this! It seems they gave our friend Marlowe a bottle of Mexican Tequila at his office Christmas party and he went right home and polished off the whole thing that very same night by himself!..."
("Sounds just like Marlowe to me.")
"And only the next day they start painting the hallway outside his room....well, the effects of the alcohol on top of the fumes from the fresh coat of paint outside his door practically kills old Marlowe..."
("Ah, Jaysus")
"It's the building manager who comes three days later to collect the rent--on Christmas morning no less!--and finds him half dead in bed mumbling more of his usual philosophical stuff about Rene Descartes and how this whole world's nothing but an illusion and all..."
("Good God!")
"The whole world an illusion, my friends! Aye that's a fine one! The world that's populated by the likes of bill collectors and that I.R.S. man that audited Flynn and his bar here as well as by the likes of that long-legged beauty of Marlowe's with her alimony attorney! The world's an illusion!! Well, if only it were so!"
(Laughter)
"They say he was still goin' on about Rene Descartes when they let him out of the hospital!"
(Uproarious laughter)
"I'll tell ya it's folks like Marlowe who give new meaning to the phrase 'painting the town red'!"
(Groans mixed with laughter)
"Another round for us Michael--and none of that Mexican Tequila for none of us!"

earthpassenger(Kevin)

01-20-2008, 09:42 AM

"I don't think I want to hear anymore about this Mr. Marlowe and his drinking and poverty and debauchery" said Princess Petula to her fairy godmother Govinda as she set the StoryMatic aside and looked out the window and watched for her Prince Charming (or Princess Charming for all I know for she could just as well be a lesbian--this omniscient narrator business can get more than a little overwhelming at times and you can only do so much character development in a single post!--
"Not to worry, my dear" insisted Govinda, "simply switch your Storymatic into revision mode and set it for more of the qualities you're looking for: Rich, dutiful, talented, and, if I might suggest a couple appropriate choices for some one your age and in your situation in life: young and sexy"

And here's Shell Marlowe, twenty four year old Grammy award-winning pop music superstar /multi-millionaire philanthropist driving in his hybrid Lamborghini (specially designed for him) back home to his three story mansion in Pacific Heights to meet his beloved wife (of two weeks), Italian top-model Ornella Graziella, and kick off their new non-profit foundation to eradicate Malaria, when he notices the anti-ZeptaTronian Resistance team stopped by the side of the road on the outskirts of Walnut Creek and stops to ask "What seems to be the trouble here?"

nakedjohn

01-21-2008, 01:34 AM

And you know what,

earthpassenger(Kevin)

01-21-2008, 08:46 PM

well that final climactic scene where they finally get the Mindray jammer going and the bees start making honey again would be a lot better if they made a movie out of it with alot of Computer Generated effects to make the jammer at least as fantastic as when Dr. Frankenstein brought the monster to life back in the good old days (with lightning bolts comin' out just like an ol' Tesla coil etc., etc.) and what's that rock star doin' there anyway--well that's just to provide the appropriate musical climax when young Marlowe plugs his electric guitar into the jammer and jams away with his own adaptation of Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the BumbleBee", which was just the extra prodding those delinquent honey bees needed all along...