My Campaign

[usmc1]

After conferring with my circle of advisers, and One-Eye Louise down at Homer's Blue Dell Family Buffet and Taproom, and some of the guys over at Sam the Lion's Pool Hall, I've decided to run for president. Yes, of the whole damned U.S. of A!

Qualifications:

Even though I ain't never been the mayor of an Alaskan Village, sold nothing, let alone an airplane, on eBay, or slept with a commercial fisherman, I still think I've got what it takes. And, if this counts, even though I haven't been in no beauty contest, I have been the celebrity judge of at least six. That alone should be sufficient, but here's the rest.

I've had a ton of experience in foreign affairs, having gotten shagged in places like Hong Kong, Rangoon, Manila, Tijuana, Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Taipei, London, Dublin, Brussels, Cologne, Copenhagen, Bonn, and under an olive tree in Lebanon, and on a camel blanket during a sandstorm, in a desert wadi just a tad west of Damascus. And did some furious petting on a train from Luxembourg to Amsterdam. That incident at the Wailing Wall was not me, and is just another of the vicious canards circulated by my political enemies on the desperate and distraught right-wing cabal aligned against my candidacy.

I've had a lot of experience in domestic affairs too, but we ain't discussing them since some of the ladies have husbands now. Some of whom have very, very short little fuses (ahem), lots of insecurities and NRA memberships.

I'm good at national security issues too. If they can't pay the tribute, we'll invade them. Then we'll occupy them until they beg us to leave.

Oh, yeah, and I ain't perfect and have got all sorts of humble, humanizing man-of-the-people beginnings. For example, I have a lot of remorse about the time I stole a yo-yo at Kresge's and a kindly African-American janitor took me under his wing, and made me own up to what I'd done--when I got out of reform school, where I saved a crippled, blind, paraplegic inmate from drowning, he taught me how to sing the blues, tap dance, and polish the brass doorknobs till you could see yourself in them. To this day his family and mine gather together on Juneteenth for a fish-fry and blues sing along!

I have masterful bipartisan skills too. I grabs the opposition by their parts then they come along real nice like. Sort of like a formula, By-Parts-Then.

I got me some accomplishments too. I got two certificates from Fred Pryor Seminars, my first communion picture, and a framed perfect attendance certificate from that online correspondence course I took, and I ain't been in jail or bounced a check since I got off the cocaine--my parole officer can certify that if you don't believe me.

My neighbors speak well of me, and will continue to do so until I release their daughters from my locked basement.

And I always stay married to the same woman, this time for eight months and all.

Right now, I'm riding a wave of popular acclaim, as can be seen in this news report from Channel 3..obviously, I've got the "tramp-stamp" babe vote. You'll see what I mean when you click this new report about my campaign. Once at the site, you have to click on the TV window for the feed to actually play.

http://www.inews3.com/play.php?first=&last=usmc1 (http://www.inews3.com/play.php?first=&last=usmc1)

[Agde]

I'm convinced! Do you need a VeeP? :D
(nice vid -- you clearly already have the most important advisors in place, your PR team!)

[marc_naturist]

if i could i would vote for you

[Qikdraw]

Can I be your Secretary of State? Can I huh? Can I? Can I?

[Boreas]

Great campaign so far. Good luck!

I couldn't get the video to download. I'll try again later.

[usmc1]

Great campaign so far. Good luck!

I couldn't get the video to download. I'll try again later.

sorry once you go to the site, you have to click on the screen for the tv feed to actually play, sorry should have included that.

[Boreas]

My internet or computer is really slow today. Perhaps everyone in my neighbourhood is surfing right now. :rolleyes:

[Naturist Mark]

Very cool,

I thought your post was just a joke until I saw the newscast.

Any luck signing up a VPILF yet?

-Mark

[Boreas]

I finally got to see the video. Very cool.

So, when do we get to see your pretty face??? (the current version, not the one from 1968) :)

[TheNorm]

That's too funny!!! The newscast is really convincing. Great find.

[usmc1]

To answer the many questions of those clamoring for my attention I am issuing this brief statement, before I embark on a round of Labor Days speeches at various picnics, fish-frys, and bar-b-ques in the region.

I am torn as to my vice-presidential selection, but following in Bush's footsteps, I want a person who remains out of sight, as equally pugnacious as I, and who like I, does not sleep with moose or shoot commercial fisherman. err, wait, never mind, you know what I mean, just a slip of the tongue.

But, my Veep will remain hidden, inaccessible, sinister, a terror to the opposition with the ability to make grown men faint at the mere mention of his name. His initials are Na....wait! For maximum impact, and in a desperate attempt to cop a single day's news cycle, I will wait until "Pops" McCain does his speech to announce the name of my running mate.

But, there is a position in my administration, which transcends in importance all others. One upon which the fate of civilization hinges One who gets the most quality face time with the president.

I'm talking here of the "Intern". That's right, the intern.

Just consider this. For the past eight years there has been no intern and things have gone right to hell in a hand basket! We must make it our first order of business to remedy that.

Let the vetting begin.:dance:

http://www.inews3.com/play.php?first=&last=usmc1 (http://www.inews3.com/play.php?first=&last=usmc1)

[Naturist Mark]

I think you should consider Geena Davis - for Veep, not intern.

She is one of the smartest people in Hollywood - reportedly has a genius level IQ. She passes the Commander in Chief test - indeed she owns that role. Not only is she tough, she's in a League of Her Own. And if any adversaries (or Senators) give her a rough time, all she has to do is show them some clips from Thelma and Louise.

Plus she has better legs than Palin and Biden combined.

-Mark

[ki4kxq]

Well, I guess that means I am going to have to call out my goon squad to come and hunt you down. I have given them orders to take you down with a mega-wedgie.

I'm sure you are going to have a complete and total health care plan for everyone. Will that include the surgery involved to remove your drawers from your butt? LOL

[usmc1]

Well now that my vacation is behind me and the other candidates have convened and named their veep selections, it's time for me to gear up my campaign.

Before my convention, I want my supporters to know that I have made my selection for a running mate. It is someone we can all be proud of, and yes, I've also gone the babe route. Except mine is younger and as pure as the Alaskan snow--and we have the lie-detector tests to prove it. And, my friends, this charming young woman has devised a creative and unique fund-raising idea that will swell our coffers, allowing me just tons of airtime to tell big old ugly lies about my opponents, those dirty stink-pots.

But, I may not have to tell any lies, because it is obvious this will get me the liberated women's votes, the lazy, leering white guy vote, and the drunken frat boy vote.

Here, so you can get acquainted with Natalie, the next Vice President of the United States....a clip from CNN today.

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[Boreas]

Well usmc, the still picture of your running mate shows she is a hottie. What does Mrs usmc1 think? I did not get to watch the video because I got a wierd error message. :disappointed: Alas.

[usmc1]

Well usmc, the still picture of your running mate shows she is a hottie. What does Mrs usmc1 think? I did not get to watch the video because I got a wierd error message. :disappointed: Alas.

OK, it's fixed. Obviously it was another "dirty trick" perpetrated by my political enemies. I'm certain the Bass Boat Captain for Lies were at the bottom of it, they're already brewing up some vicious canards.

Mrs. usmc is too busy decorating our eight homes, and staying a step ahead of her sister that she's denied all these years, only child you know, to be concerned about my veep.

[usmc1]

Here is my simple straight-forward solution to the current economic mess.

Instead of the Bush/Paulson/MCain blank check and business tax break solutioin being bandied about by Republicans, let us do this.

We will provide loans to the those institutions and entities which require them to stave off collapse and recover from their bad decisions of the past.

In return, they will provide collateral for those loans in the form of airtight mortgages on all their holdings and assets, both good and bad. Assets will include everything, real estate, property, investments, Executive bonuses, goodwill, company name, corporate jets, memberships, everything, including those of any subsidiaries. Everything is mortgaged, including all but the primary home and one prinicipal automobile (homestead) of every manager and executive down to the level of department head.

Failure to provide full quaterly financial disclosure by any of the above will result in a felony charge against that person, and immediate default of the laon arangement for the company.

The loans are to be repaid, at cost plus 10% interest, in quarterly paments. This means if we have to borrow money to make the loans, the cost of the loan includes principal, plus the interest on that principal, plus the interest on that combined total.

During the term of the loan and and until it is fully repaid the lendee's executive and managers will receive no bonuses, nor will they accrue for block payment at the termination of the loan agreement, no salary may exceed $350,000 per year, and all golden parachute arrangements are herewith cancelled.

This will require additional staff at the GAO, and these costs will be added to the loans in the form of pro-rata quarterly surcharges.

All profits gained from these loans will be allocated to Social Security, Medicare, low-cost government insured education loans and grants, reestablishment of an FHA type mortgage guarantee program for qualified low-income and meltdown forclosed home-buyers. This would exclude speculators and apply only to single-family dwellings which is to be the primary residence of that specific home-buyer.

Additionally the recipients of the bail-out loans will be taxed at a special rate to allow for those specific taxes to be earmaked for jobs creation and infrastructure repair and upgrades.

Defaults will be taken over, made profitable, and sold to the highest domestic bidder.

I will incorporate this into an existing cabinet postion appointing Dennis Kucinich as Secretary and Eliot Sptizer as Deputry Director for enforcement!

[usmc1]

Deserted by the left, under constant assault from the right, cash-strapped (they've even taken down my video), not mentioned in the polls, trailing in the NFL picks, and left out of the debates; but I'm not quitting on my race to the White House.

I've already proposed a very sound and sane and doable economic recovery program. But, I'm prepared to do what no other candidate before had done......I will, within 72-hours, announce the names of my cabinet choices.

That's right, I am going to name my cabinet before I'm elected as a measure of faith and confidence in the American electorate.

Now excuse me, I've got to find a yard stick, I need to see how this Lazy-Boy love seat fits into an office shaped like a dang old football. Maybe catty corner on the bias across from the desk. Then I got to go to the Cowboy's site to see if they've got curtains long enough and a couple of desk lamps.

My first day in office we're declare the Cowboys to "officially" be America's Team.

Now be sure you earmark, errr, bookmark this, because I'm serious about naming my cabinet to surprise October...uh? Oh, as an October surprise.

Leak, leak, ssshhhh, don't tell nobody, but Colin Powell is gonna be part of my team.

A couple of you have asked to be included in my administration, but, since I lean green, I'm surprised and chagrined that none of you have offered any "green", if you catch my drift.

Hurry now, and join the campaign That's Building a Bridge to Somewhere!

[usmc1]

If I've omitted any worthies, let me know, I'll create a post for you! Now, EARLY VOTE for me. Vote Early Vote Often.

<link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Shane/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:DoNotOptimizeForBrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> Secretary of Defense: Chuck Hagel
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Attorney General: Raph Nader
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Secretary of State: Wesley Clark
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Director of Home Land Security: Colin Powell
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Press Secretary: Don Imus
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National Security Advise: Robert Baer
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CIA Director: My aunt Sadie. That woman can snoop! She can tell what’s in your medicine chest by how often you mow your lawn. And talk about running a tight ship, unh-uh honey, you don’t even sass her!
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Secretary of Energy: Al Gore
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Secretary of Transportation: Open, but definitely has to be a soccer mom holding down two part time jobs, and with at least three kids; one in grade school, one in middle school, and one starting high-school. She’ll know how to keep traffic flowing and how to mediate warring interests.
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Secretary of Labor: John Sweeny
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Secretary of Commerce: Dennis Kucinich
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Secretary of the Interior: Bill Richardson
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And in a bold move to reduce the federal bureaucracy, I will combine HUD and HHS into one super department and name Hillary Clinton to head it.
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Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs: Open, but I’m thinking of NudeAl. Anyone with the personal motto of “Be civil, but be prepared to kill anyone you meet”, is my kind of guy!
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Secretary of Education: NaturistMark cause he knows lots of stuff, and ain’t too intellectually lazy to read long-winded stuff or to follow links.
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White House Chief of Staff: Nacktman, always in the background!
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Director of the National Drug Control Policy: Fitz
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Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: Jon
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Director of Agriculture: Open, but has to be one of the resident conservatives, since they have an unending supply of BS and know so well how to spread it, this is a natural.

And I will create a new sub-cabinet post…Director of Procurement: Bill Clinton assisted by John Edwards. Just never mind official duties, that’s between me and them.
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We have several Canadians and Aussies, that because of citizenship issues can’t be official cabinet officers, but can be my circle of personal advisors. A kitchen cabinet of sorts, but we’ll frolic nude in the White House pool and south lawn and talk some deep s**t!
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Director of Social Security: Nimrod

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I am still seeking a U.S. Trade Rep, Director of OMB, and a special Middle East Envoy, and establishing diplomatic relations with the People’s Republics of South Beach, Black’s Beach, and Berkley and will need ambassadors for those posts.
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I also will be creating a new office answering directly to the President. That is the office of the Hide Inspector. This officer will be responsible to for visiting the resorts and beaches of the world and inspecting the hides therewith.
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Volunteers. Line up and bring your wallets.

[lordshipmayhem]

I'd think an excellent Director of National Drug Enforcement Policy would be Cheech & Chong - jointly. :P

[Naturist Mark]

I am humbled and honored by my nomination for Sec'y of Edumacation, but with all due humility I suggest an alternative: William Ayers. 1) Oddly enough, he is fairly well qualified for the position, and 2) it would be so awesome to see all the wingnut's heads exploding.

-Mark

[usmc1]

I am humbled and honored by my nomination for Sec'y of Edumacation, but with all due humility I suggest an alternative: William Ayers. 1) Oddly enough, he is fairly well qualified for the position, and 2) it would be so awesome to see all the wingnut's heads exploding.

-Mark
Very well, with a heart laden with sadness, I accept your....wait! I need someone to run my OMB, how about it?

Ayers is an excellent choice for all the reasons you mention. Damn, I wish Abbie was still alive.