View Full Version : Bits of Wisdom?
wannabenaked2001
04-10-2003, 07:11 AM
25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it gain.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
wannabenaked2001
04-10-2003, 07:11 AM
25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it gain.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Wannabenaked 2001
How true, How true! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
04-10-2003, 10:25 AM
Ditto wannabe...
Hmmmmm, bits of wisdom...I think I'm gonna like this one.
Here's one for the guys:
It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained
in heaven and earth to keep her that way.
wannabenaked2001
04-11-2003, 07:15 AM
Bumper stickers
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a--hole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!
1. Welcome to America...now speak English /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
More bumpre stickers.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Nobody's perfect. I'm nobody.
My wife said, "If you go hunting or fishing one more time, I'm going to leave you." I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
wannabenake2001..............Those are priceless!
Unless you actually purchase them for your bumper, then I guess they would be $3.99 plus tax. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
04-11-2003, 01:18 PM
Always trust your wife's judgement. After all, look who she married.
missouriboy
04-12-2003, 04:08 AM
Bumper sticker:
Scratch 'em if you got 'em.
Things you should know:
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.99 a minute.
gamblefish
04-12-2003, 04:15 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Bumper sticker:
Scratch 'em if you got 'em.
Things you should know:
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.99 a minute. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow, $4.99!! That's cheap!! Missouriboy, you gotta get me that number!!
Bit o' wisdom? (Is that a candy bar?)
Never step in anything soft.
missouriboy
04-12-2003, 04:28 AM
Let's see, I had that number someplace...
Darn, can't find it, but I remember it starts out: 1-900...
Maybe someone can pick up where I left off?
Nude in the North
04-12-2003, 04:32 AM
I had a hat that had this written on it.
"Sex is a misdemeanor,
Da more I miss
De meanor I get!"
Steve
wannabenaked2001
04-12-2003, 05:30 AM
AS I MATURED I LEARNED
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a**holes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em" if they can't take a joke. Learned it in 6 languages. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
threadbare
04-15-2003, 06:25 AM
Best bumper s n icker I can remember see was on the back of a land yacht (motor home), it said "FOLLOW ANY CLOSER-AND I'LL FLUSH" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Some home remedies.......
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup of boiling hot water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you'll forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are...
1. You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't use duct tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, "I apologize" and "You are right".
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. Never pass up the opportunity to potty.
5. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
6. Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Suntied
04-15-2003, 04:06 PM
The following is from my new girlfriend... that has been keeping me too busy to hang out on the PC. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Miss you all, but not that much! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
EVER WONDER where we are headed...
....why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
....why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
....why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
....why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
....why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh....fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas. These were 16-year-old students. Just think--one of these may be the president someday.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q. What causes the tides in the ocean?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election. (Guess where this student's mind was during the test!)
Q. What are steroids?
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body catagorized?
A. The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I.O and U.
wannabenaked2001
04-15-2003, 08:07 PM
Suntied, Congratulations on finding a new girlfriend! May I suggest, to keep her from going the way of the last one, you should keep handy a bicycle pump and an intertube repair kit.
Just a suggeastion. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64
04-15-2003, 08:10 PM
ok I can see where some of these answers could be a little off but some (keep the milk in the cow) and (the boy reaching puberty) couldnt be more right. I am still thinking about the pure water I dont think I would want dead canoeist in my water either. Steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
wannabenaked2001....Is that why inflation keeps going higher and higher and ..........Popppppppp?
Sorry Suntied, I couldn't resist! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Suntied
04-15-2003, 10:41 PM
Ahhhh, so I need to get rid of the belly botton peircing so I can keep my inflation at the optimal level... thanks guys, I thought our love just went flat. (with the last 4, I mean 3... or was it 5) Sure is hard to get inflation under control, just ask Bush! Any Bush will give you a good answer... heee hee (oh... sorry... heee haw)
Sorry,
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Don't be sorry Suntied...nice to see you kickin' it with the rest of the hijacking knuckleheads. Relax, have fun, while you are still young enough to enjoy it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....Hey suntied, I think your girlfriend is calling /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Just kidding AW! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Sorry Suntied....I wrote sssssssssssssssss before I found out about chhsssst.....and I think we could all benefit from that right about now! Hope the voices don't keep you up tonight! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif ...but I bet chhssst, will! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
bigbird
04-16-2003, 09:15 AM
That swedish chainsaw really vexxed me. Though I suppose it's necessary.
Scenario:
You are out in the woods, cutting down assorted proto-wood things with your chainsaw. When you go to turn it off...it keeps going! Not being one to be put off, though, you unzip your pants and...
...six months later, your wife has divorced you, you got fired from the lumberjack firm, and you're still stupid. All problems that could have been remedied had you only not attempted to stop the chainsaw with your genitalia.
gamblefish
04-16-2003, 02:48 PM
Speaking of genitalia...
When I think of King Kong walking through New York I wonder about all the children who look up and see the giant genitalia.
Of course, nudist children would not be alarmed, but what about those other kids? Could we not use this scenario to further our cause?
What do you think? Huh?
But Gamblefish, wasn't King Kong covered in hair? Would they shave him for the movie? If they did shave him wouldn't that scare many people away from the film? Would his privates even show up considering his size? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
Here I go again.....I'm on a fun topic, and I get serious. /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif
gamblefish
04-16-2003, 03:46 PM
King Kong is a movie? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
No, but there is a movie named King Kong........ Man I just had a thought....did you think it too, GF? Good, I just didn't want to be the only one. Oh yeah, can you imagine the size of a condiminium for that big ape? Wow!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
gamblefish
04-16-2003, 04:08 PM
Condominium? Heck, I was thinkin' skyscraper!!
I can hear Fay Wray now, "Whooooooa, where you think you're gonna put that thing!!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
wannabenaked2001
04-24-2003, 06:16 AM
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first ...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job any where else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman a and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?) (Not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)
missouriboy
04-24-2003, 06:45 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>...He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>When you look in a mirror, the image is reversed from side to side.
Why isn't it also reversed from top to bottom?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Remember that picture of Suntied's alter ego?
(Did'ja think of halitosis then?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
themightysven
04-24-2003, 08:35 AM
Mirrors don't reverse images side to side they reverse images front to back....
Naturist Mark
04-24-2003, 05:28 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wannabenaked2001:
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first ...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job any where else in the world that even comes close to this?)
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I love this lists of dumb laws... but that one is just plain wrong... Guam is part of the US. There never was such a 'law'. The 'natives' are quite upset about this story Two National Magazines Stereotype and Insult the People of Guam (http://members.aol.com/magastodu/c_issues/ntl_news/01012002.htm)
wannabenaked2001
04-29-2003, 08:13 PM
The world gone crazy......
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy
The best golfer is a black guy
The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese
The Swiss hold the America's Cup
France is accusing the US of arrogance
Germany doesn't want to go to war
And the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon' /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
shãybare
04-30-2003, 09:15 AM
Can't anybody understand that there has to be "dumb" laws? How are dumb people like me supposed to operate without them?
Could someone please buy me a ticket to Guam?
Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Naturist Mark
04-30-2003, 07:24 PM
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
I'm a Baptist; I don't drink alcoholic beverages, and I have no idea what Hooters is.
missouriboy
05-01-2003, 03:32 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
I have no idea what Hooters is. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined (http://www.hooters.com/) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Naturist Mark
05-03-2003, 08:26 AM
The Ten Commandments
from the Revised Cowboy Version:
(1) Just one God ya'll.
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Guess cowboys just kinda tell it like it is!!!!
Y'all have a good Day.
http://www.jcnot4me.com/images/Jesus%20in%20White%20Cowboy%20Hat-3.gif
gamblefish
05-03-2003, 04:56 PM
This might explain why a lot of cowboys are named Matt, Mark, Luke and John...
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