Religous jokes

[Keslen]

So God and the angels are sitting around one day. The angels turn to God and say "So God, you're due for a vacation, where do you want to go?"

God replies "Not the earth, last time I went there I left a girl pregnant and the fools haven't stopped talking about it since."

[Keslen]

So God and the angels are sitting around one day. The angels turn to God and say "So God, you're due for a vacation, where do you want to go?"

God replies "Not the earth, last time I went there I left a girl pregnant and the fools haven't stopped talking about it since."

[Jochanaan]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister went fishing one day. The priest suddenly exclaimed, "I left my lunch in the car!" He got out of the boat, walked on the water to the shore, retrieved his lunch, and walked on the water back to the boat. A little later the rabbi said, "Excuse me, I've got to relieve myself." He also walked on the water to the shore, disappeared behind a bush, then returned the same way.

Well, the minister thought that surely his faith was as strong as the others'. So he said, trying to be casual, "I need more bait." He got out of the boat, sank, and was never seen again.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Do you suppose we should have told him where the rocks are?"

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

Adam was sitting in the Garden of Eden tending to the plants and animals as usaual.
Finally he looks into the sky and says,"Lord, taking care of the garden is all fine and dandy, but I really need some company. Especiall at night!"
The lord thought a bit and said,"Well, I have just the thing for you! But, it'll cost you an arm and a leg!"
Adam was aghast!"Whoa! Let's not get nuts! Do you have anything cheaper?"
"I do have this one item you might like and it will only cost you one rib!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Guys! I wonder what we could have gotten for an arm and leg?

[nudistmatt]

bagel, cream cheese, orange jooce, thats as good as it gets.

[missouriboy]

A magazine cartoon has God and an angel looking downward from a cloud. The angel says, "Adam sure is making a mess down there in the Garden! Maybe he needs a maid or something."

-- Baloo, in Liberty magazine

There were four old womens talking about their sons. The first one says in a proud tone "My son is a priest and every time people see him around the street they exclaim Oh Father, bless me!."
The second woman says "Thats nothing, my son is Archbishop and every time people sees him in street they kneel to him and exclaim Oh Eminence, please bless my soul!."
The third one laughs and say "Please, MY son IS the Pope and every time he is in street people kneel to him, kiss his hand and exclaim Oh your Excellence, please forgive my sins and bless my soul!."
And the fourth woman, who didn't wanted to stay behind said, "Thats absolutely mothing, MY SON is a PUNK!
and the others said "What do you see in that to be proud of!"
"Well, everytime he goes out to the street people make the sing of the cross and exclaim Oh MY GOD! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by R.M.GREENMAN2:
Guys! I wonder what we could have gotten for an arm and leg? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Probably just lots of ribbing. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[apalthe]

Adam is walking through Eden when he encounters Eve. He asks: "Do you love me?" Eve: "Who else?

[TeddyBare]

Here's one to make the females laugh:

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem."

And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"

"I know that You created me and this beautiful garden ... but I'm lonely ... and I'm sick of eating apples."

"Well, in that case", replied the Almight, "I'll create a man for you."

"What's a man?"

"Well, he's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting, kicking a ball and hunting animals."

"Sounds great!" replied Eve.

"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[TeddyBare]

Here's another:

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.

"They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees.

"They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."



"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

[TeddyBare]

Here's another that fits well with this site:

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice ****. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[runbikeplay]

Let me see if I can do this joke justice. I hope it makes sense.

A young boy suddenly dies and goes to Heaven. He is greated at the prealy gates by Peter. Peter is somewhat shocked to see the boy because he had no record of the childs death. Peter decides to take the boy to heaven's waiting room while he figures out what to do. Peter points to a bank of chairs and tells the boy to sit and wait.

Well after a few minutes the boy sees a manhole cover in the middle of the room. He gets out of his chair and decides to take a look. Just as the boy is about to opne the over Peter yells at him and tells him to get back into his chair. The boy asks Peter why there's a manhole cover in heaven's waiting room. Peter tell him that it covers the hole to hell and that the boy needs to say away from it.

Well the boy's curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to take a quick peek into hell. He sneaks over to the manhole cover and quietly opens it up. Just at that moment, Peter looks up and sees what the boy is doing. Peter yells again at the boy and tells him that that is hell and that he should stay away from it. The boy looks confused at Peter and says that hell does not look to bad. This really confuses Peter and he decides to take a look for himself. When he looks down into hell he sees a beautiful grean vally and lots of fruit trees.

The boys asks why does hell look so good. Peter exclaims that its because those DARN MORMONS are irrigating again!

[hairyhomer]

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City.
He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers Lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type. Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The lady responded. "It is all really quite Simple. The
Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hairyhomer]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her
leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[pek1]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in
and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her
leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Whew!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Rim shot!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif However, no verse is found which says that...I think one has to look at the moral of the story for this! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hairyhomer]

Hot For Free Drinks!

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on a hot day
and are quite thirsty. They pass a busy bar and want to go in and get a
drink but have no money. But the priest comes up with an idea that he
thinks might work, so he goes in alone, telling to others that if his idea
works they can all get free drinks. He orders his drink, and when he's
finished with it, the bartender gives him his tab.

The priest says, "But son,... I already paid for the drink!"

The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry father but it's really busy in
here and I must have forgotten."

The priest goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happened, so
the pastor goes in next. The pastor orders his drink and then informs the
bartender that he already had paid when the bartender asks him for the
money. Again the bartender apologizes.

Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink. Again the bartender gives
him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the
drink."

"I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the bartender, "I don't know what's wrong
with me, but your the third man of the cloth that I've done this to."

"I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in a terrible hurry,... Just
give me my change for the $20 I gave you, and I'll be on my way!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

--------------

[hairyhomer]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifAdam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men she should have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother cooked. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Sauna]

This is not a joke. This is true. Bishops had a meeting and in the evening as usual they had saunabath and they went to swim naked as usual. When they were coming up from the water suddenly there were a bunch of females. All the bishops covered their genitals when walking back to sauna exept one who covered his face. The others asked of course why you did so. The answer was "they do not reckognize me from my genitals, but my face they know." (we do not yet wave any female bishops but female priest we have)

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
I have been hearing that "true' story since I was a kid more than 40 years ago. It has been used for people of all walks of life.

[Sauna]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
I have been hearing that "true' story since I was a kid more than 40 years ago. It has been used for people of all walks of life. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sorry but this is true. I do not know if the bishop new this story beforehand or invented it by himself. One of the bishops told this to me and I have no reason to be suspicious. I know all the names but I do not print them anywhere.

Do you have also saunas? In this country 89% of people goes naked to swim from sauna if possible and in most cases it is possible.

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Yes, we have saunas but I do not attend. I will accept your story as true.

[John Spooner]

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He had no permanent address.

3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion.


THREE ARGUMENTS JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother
was sure He was God.

AND FINALLY THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS AUSTRALIAN:

1. He hung around with a mob of blokes.

2. He threw in his job to go fishing.

3. He lived in a country controlled by
foreigners.

4. He complained about the lack of grog when he
gate crashed a wedding.

5. He organised the fish *and* the bread for the
barbecue.

6. He was a great surfer.

7. Even his father disowned him in the end.

[hairyhomer]

Oh my God! Your ARGUMENTS for what nationality Jesus was shows that he really did come to save all people. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

A drunken man stumbles into a Catholic church, sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[missouriboy]

A visiting minister waxed eloquently and with frequent dramatic pauses during the offertory.

"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "We realize.... that ALL we have.... belongs to you. And without YOU.... we are but dust..."

At which point he would have continued, however a little girl in front pew, quite audibly in her shrill little voice, asked her mother, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

"Mom, what is butt dust?"...Make sure you use your towel when sitting http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room
the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!".
"What did you do?", the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash.".
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away
the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!".
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh crap!!"

[EricNY]

hey I have not posted a joke in a while...so here it goes.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."



http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[KetchumMaine]

Another true story:

When I was in catholic high school, we had two science teachers. Pat was a heavy set individual and "Carol" was a petite thin individual. They each taught two years of Science. One year, we were learning about earthworms. I came across a question on a test asking for the term that describes the fact that earthworms have sex organs for both genders. I forgot the word hemaphroditic. So, I pondered and pondered what word to use. I decided the word "bisexual" could be described as having two sexes. So, I put that word down. Not only did I get the question wrong, but later that year Sister "Carol" left the nun-hood to run off with Pat who left her husband.:0 Gee, the power of suggestion is amasing! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[KetchumMaine]

On the Drew Carey show, the Nigel Wick character once referred to a t-shirt with a picture of the Pope and the slogan: "Come to Rome and have a blasphemy" (as in: "blast for me").

[KetchumMaine]

You may not know it, but you don't need to be a Cardinal to become a Pope. As a matter of fact, the selection of the new Pope was very close this year. The straight cardinals had a hard time keeping Michael Jackson from being elected. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

In some backwoods holler, a young preacher got it in his head that God would reveal his will if the preacher would just shut his eyes and put his finger on whatever Bible verse it touches.

So, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened his Bible and planted his finger down on the unseen page. When he opened his eyes, he was resting his finger on Matthew 27:5, "Judas hung himself".

The preacher was not entirely happy with the results, so he closed his eyes again and repeated his test of God's will. This time, his finger was resting on Luke 10:37 "Go, and do thou likewise".

Visibly shaken the preacher decided that he had enough of this method of Bible interpretation and decided that maybe context of a verse is important after all.

[NudeAl]

Two priests decide to go on a vacation to the Carribean. They always wanted to go and they really need to relax. They just want to forget they're priests for a little while. So as soon as they get off the plane they head for the nearsest store and buy the loudest Haiwian print shirts they can and head for the beach. At the beach all is well they are relaxing and sure they don't look like anything priests. Just then a beautiful blond approaches and as she draws near they can both see she is topless! As she gets near she greets them both, "Hello Father, hello Father." and continues on her way. The priests are baffeled how in the world could she have know? Well they figure it must be the jet lag perhaps we need to rest and try this again tomorrow? So they go check into thier motel and turn in. The next day they feel refreshed they have bought some new clothes and they are ready to relax. Off they go again to the same beach. Once again as they are relaxing on the beach they see the same gorgeous, topless, blond walking toward them and once again as she approaches she greets them, "Hello Fathers." Just as she is about to pass by one of the priests stops her and askes, "Excuse me miss, uh just how did you know we are priests." "Why Father," she replies, "don't you recognize me? It's me Sister Mary!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

~Boy on the bus~

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then
leaned over and said, "Maybe you shuld wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[gamblefish]

Bertha and Ethel are sitting in church one Sunday morning.

Bertha turns to Ethel and whispers, "Ethel, this sermon is soooo long, my butt has fallen asleep.".

Ethel whispers back, "I know, I heard it snoring.".

[missouriboy]

An angel who was watching God create the first human beings asked Him, "Why are you putting so many extra nerve-endings right in the genital area?"

God replied, "Because I love to hear My name!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

LOL Hot stuff, Moboy!

Trailscout, I heard of another preacher who tried the same technique. He took a little more discouraging, though: He decided to try the method a third time, and the verse under his finger was, "That thou doest, do quickly." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hairyhomer]

One Sunday, towards the end of the service, a Preacher asked his
congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

About half held up their hands. He then loudly repeated his question.

This time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then more loudly http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif
repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly
lady.

"Mrs. Jones." inquired the Preacher, "Are you not willing to forgive
your enemies ?" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

"Mrs. Jones." inquired the Preacher, "Are you not willing to forgive
your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us
all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in
the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

"I outlived the *****es." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Meg]

The Sunday school minister asked his little group, "Children, what must we do before we can have forgiveness from our sins?"
Little Johnny puts up his hand and the minister says, "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Well, first we have to sin..."

[pek1]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Trailscout:
In some backwoods holler, a young preacher got it in his head that God would reveal his will if the preacher would just shut his eyes and put his finger on whatever Bible verse it touches.

So, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened his Bible and planted his finger down on the unseen page. When he opened his eyes, he was resting his finger on Matthew 27:5, "Judas hung himself".

The preacher was not entirely happy with the results, so he closed his eyes again and repeated his test of God's will. This time, his finger was resting on Luke 10:37 "Go, and do thou likewise".

Visibly shaken the preacher decided that he had enough of this method of Bible interpretation and decided that maybe context of a verse is important after all. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

They sometimes still teach this in Bible college...I know, I've been a student in four of them...same message, different faces. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

Included in the church bulletin one Sunday...

The morning sermon will be "Jesus Walks On Water."

...

The evening sermon will be "Searching For Jesus."

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Buzzer]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gifA woman having her hair done mentioned to the hairdresser that she was going to Rome.
"What airline are you going to use?" Asked the hairdresser.
"TWA"
"Oh, that's a terrible airline. the planes are old, never leave on time & the service is lousy."
"Where in Rome are you going to stay?" asked the hairdresser.
The woman told her the name of the hotel.
"That's a terrible hotel. The carpeting is torn, the elevators don't run most of the time and the service is poor. And I suppose you expect to see the Pope?"
"Well, yes."
"You and a few million others. Fat chance."

A few weeks later the woman sees the same hairdresser to have a shampoo and set.
"How was your trip?" The hairdresser asked.
"Oh,fine. TWA had just put a new fleet of plane in operation, were overbooked and we were allowed to fly in the firstclass section and received all the ammenities."
"How was the hotel?"
"The hotel had new owners who had invested ten million dollars to refurbish it. The carpeting was like walking on clouds, the beds were so comfortable we didn't want to get out, and the food and service were the best we've ever had."
"Well, did you see the Pope?"
"That was a funny thing. We were touring the Vatican and one of the swiss guards tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope like to talk to some of the tourists and would I please follow him."
"What did the Pope say to you?"
"As soon as he looked at me he said:"Where did you get that lousy hairdo?""

[barmonkey]

Three women died together in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally stepped a duck. Along came St. Peter, who never missed a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly man. He chained them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman had observed all this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, she was very, VERY careful where she stepped. She managed to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter came up to her with the most handsome man she had ever laid eyes on--very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chained them together without saying a word. The woman remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[harveym]

THIS COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED.

INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY !

300 wives and 700 porcupines...Hope he never got them mixed up... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gifThanks for the morning brightener Harv http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[pek1]

He'd be the first to know, I'm sure! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

By the way, my favorite ones were #3 & 4. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif


Pete

[nimrod]

A priest and a rabi walk into a bar, the bartender says,"what is this a joke."

[grl66]

A priest and a rabi walk into a bar........... Sheesh, you'd think one of them would have seen it!

[grl66]

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

[nimrod]

A preacher desides to take a Sunday off to go golfing, he calls his assisdant to take his place for the day because he was ill, drives to another town so that none of his pereshiners would see him playing golf. He tees up his first shot on a 350 yard par 4, he hits the ball beautifully, and at the right time a big gust of wind comes up to carry the ball on to the green where it rolls into the hole, one of the angels asks God,"Why did you did that, that man lied to his assisdant, and his flock so that he could play a game that he could of played on any other day than the sabbath?"
And God answers, "Who can he tell?"

[grl66]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?


So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests - dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.

[missouriboy]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...

...for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY IDEA how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[nimrod]

A married couple, both 70, were celebrating their 50th wedding annaversary, when an angle appeared to them and said,"For being devout christains, and being true to each other for all these long years, I have been sent here to grant you each one wish."
The woman thought for a short time then said,"All my life I wanted to travel, to see the world, but was never able to afford it. My wish is to travel around the world."
There was a poof, and when the smoke cleared, on the table were airplane tickets and hotel reservations for a trip around the world, everything first class, dining at the best resturants, new clothes at each location so she did not have to pack.
The husband was very impressed and said that they did not expect so much, then told the angle,"I want my wish to be married to a women that is twenty years younger than I am."
There was a poof, and when the smoke cleared, there was a ninty year old man standing there.

[Reece852]

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

[Naturist Mark]

An aide enters the Papal residence and tells the Pope, "Holy Father, I have some wonderful news, and some not-so wonderful news."

. "What is the good news?"

"Father, God is on the phone and wishes to talk to you."

. "And the bad news?"

"He's calling from Salt Lake City".

-Mark

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by R.M.GREENMAN2:
...The lord thought a bit and said,"Well, I have just the thing for you! But, it'll cost you an arm and a leg!"
Adam was aghast!"Whoa! Let's not get nuts!... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Uh, careful, RMG. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[nacktman]

Three pastors and their wives all decided to take a vacation together.

They went in together and rented one of those big homes on wheels to travel in.

As they started out a horrendus thunderstorm erupted overhead which washed away the road in front of the RV.

After the resulting wreck the three couples found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates.

As they were telling Peter who they were Peter said "seeing that you are all ministers I do not see any problem with you entering Heaven, but I must check the log book, regulations you know."

Looking up the first Pastor's name Peter said, "I do not believe it we have you down for a mortal sin and you can not enter Heaven."

Shocked the first pastor said "What mortal sin, I have ever led the pious life?"

Peter said "It says right here you have always lusted for money in your heart and would not marry until you found a woman named Penny."

Peter then sends him on his way.

"Now let's see about you." Peter said to the second pastor.

"I can not fathom this, we have you down for a mortal sin as well, it says here you have always lusted after drink in your heart and would not marry until you found a woman named Sherry."

The third pastor turned to his wife and and, "Fanny, I guess we better leave now."

[grl66]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[missouriboy]

After the birth of their child, an Episcopalian priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

The wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

[hairyhomer]

NOTE: This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif



AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.



BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.



CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.



HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.



HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.



RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.



INCENSE: Holy Smoke!



JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.



JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.



JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.



KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.



MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.



MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)



PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.



PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.



RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.



RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.



TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.



USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.



HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[puffledud]

A priest was visiting his sister and her family. The couple's 4 year old daughter was pretending to read. As she walked behind her uncle, who was seated, she took ahold of his collar and said, "Kills ticks and fleas for 14 days."

Dave
I heard it from the pries himself.

[jon71]

To add to the list of definitions.

EPISTLE: the wife of an apostle.