Here comes some more

[Cookie Monster]

How to keep a healthy level of INSANITY
1. At lunch time sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing motorists. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks ou to do something ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

7. Dont use any punctuation marks

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk

9. Ask people what sex thay are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"

11. Sing along at the opera

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems dont rhyme

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day

14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you cant attend their party because your not in the mood

15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

16. When the money comes out at the ATM, scream "I won, I won..third time this week"!

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!"

18. And my all time favorite:
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

Sorry for the long post, but aint life Grand?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Cookie Monster]

Many apoligies in advance should this offend, and if it should, then get over it LOL
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog I need that seat"
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said "You Americans, You are such a rude class of people. Cant you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? Im very tired."
The French Woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans, Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.....Imagine"
The American didnt say another word. He leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, Sir you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Cookie Monster]

Sorry the caffine is kicking into high gear today.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. Than tells her that he will sell it for $599.00 and no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds Its just .99 per word Well after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1.00 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and say's, "I want you to send her the word "COMFTABLE"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde, The word is big, She will read it slowly: COM-FOR-DA-BUL"

The cookie monster has left the building in search of more cookies /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Cookie Monster]

Hey they edited my blonde joke, what is this the gong show? *****=female dog, not nasty word.

You guys are getting too serious, in this forum
I think that I am going to have to jump up and down and throw major temper tantrums.

Try as I might I still dont have the urge to leave this website for good, your all tooooooo much fun.

Peace to all and to all a good night /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Good jokes Cookie Monster....they just don't want bad words on the forum so just insert a couple of these little doohickeys ** in the middle of the word. Most people can figure it out. (doohickeys is not a bad word, I don't even think it's a real word). /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
BYW.....The one where you tell the person at the drive thru window the order is to go...nudeM has done that for years! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work, today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[TXK NUDE]

Is it just me, or some of these jokes repeating from thread to thread, or am I just re=reading and getting confused?

Some jokes do get repeated by different people. I've posted jokes, and then someone posted some of the same jokes. We're probably getting the jokes from the same Web site. I get mine so far from two different Web sites. I've noticed there are also different variations of the same joke. I posted one that had an old lady in it, and then I saw the same joke but with a young blonde. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Hey Jon-Marc, I saw this one and thought you'd get a kick out of it...Ouch, stop kicking me!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Denominational Light Bulb Changing (uh-oh, maybe I should have put this in the religion section)

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees
to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how
much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how
to do it.

Unitarians: Choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light
bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in
which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to Luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August
26. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Church of Christ: None. It's not in the New Testament.

Cumberland Presbyterian: Change? My grandfather put that light bulb in,
and it has worked fine. Why do we need a new one?

Amish: What's a light bulb?

That was very good, Gamblefish--especially the last one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

gamblefish, here is a lightbulb joke I read.

How many country music singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the bulb and thre to write songs about haow they will miss the old bulb.

Jon-Marc,
I get my jokes from a book entitled, "The 901 BEST JOKES There ever was ( Plus Quite a Few Second Best. The book is Written, Edited, Compiled, and Stolen by J.R. MILLER Writer for HEE-HAW

Shaybare,

That was a good one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I get mine from jokes.com and ahajokes.com. There are other Web sites, but I haven't depleted their supply yet.

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

[missouriboy]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

"Your Honor."

(Uh-oh. Now we go into the lawyer jokes. But lawyer jokes don't exist, because they're all true!)

[gamblefish]

A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts, "All lawyers are scumbags!". Another drunk stands up and yells, "Hey, I resent that remark!". The first drunk yells, "Why are you a lawyer?". "No", said the second drunk, "I'm a scumbag!".

[shãybare]

Talk's cheap unless it's a lawyer talking.

Why is it a lawyer writes a five-thousand-word document, and calls it a brief?

I borrowed twenty thousand dollars from my dad to go to college to become a lawyer. My first case was when my dad sued me for twenty thousand dollars.

Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

---------

How do you know whan a blonde's having a bad day?

She's got a tampon behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.

----------

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat.

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come over o my house."

The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us to your house. It is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there. The grass is a foot tall."

[shãybare]

"The first thing we do, let's kill the lawyers."
Shakespear

I guess some Englishmen were pretty smart.

Forever Nude,
Shaybare

[shãybare]

Hey, why do they call them Latinos if they can't speak Latin?

Catapultam habeo. Nisoi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxam immane mittam. ( I have a catapult. Give me all of your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)

*** catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscripti catapultas habebunt. ( When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.)

No, I don't speak Latin, but apparently I can write it. I got these off the web

Forever Nude,
Shaybare

[stevenf64]

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie.

Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie.

Press Barbies bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie.

As Barbies hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie.

Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-

sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie.

Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely

taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.

Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie.

All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off

as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white & cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie.

It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie.

Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's

car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie.

Too many parties have finally caught up with the

ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie.

This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets

where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner-Self" is included.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Kinder, Gentler Ways To Say Someone is .........
*************************************************
A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six-pack (sun)

Dumber than a box of hair...rocks

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box

The wheel is spinning but the Hampster is dead

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combo plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer (sun)

The cheese slid off the cracker

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear (blonde)

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Elevator doesn't go to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine is out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it would be lonely (gf)

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Skylight leaks a little

Slinky is kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Did you hear about the suicidal blonde twin?
She killed her sister by mistake.

Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?
A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer?
A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: data transfer

A blonde says to a brunette, "Excuse me, but every time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt."

The brunette says, "Well, maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup."

---------

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"

"Why sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and heard another voice, "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

[stevenf64]

HW
Rolling on the floor laughing my a** off.
Wife and I both like the wheel is spinning but the hampster is dead. you go girl. steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Hey Stevenf64.... sorry about the as* thing... does it hurt? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Did your wife laugh her as* off too? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Cause if she did you'll never hear those words out of her mouth ever again... "Does this make my butt look big?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif No offence Mrs. Stevenf64... we need to stick together on this. Please be careful around the hampsters, they may look dead, but sometimes they are just playing possum /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[threadbare]

Cars manufactured for shippment to West Virginia;

Written across the bottom of the passenger side mirror--- " OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE BEHIND YOU " /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Before you say anything, I'm from there, so i get comments like this all the time. I just take it in stride /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[shãybare]

My hamster isn't playing possum; It is a possum.

Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[missouriboy]

A Russian entry for hw's collection...

He's STROOOOONG, like ox. And SMAAAART, like tractor.

[hw]

Here is one for all my beer drinking friends including but not limited to OBare's snails: /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Subject Warnings!!!!

Due to the increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediatly on all beer containers:

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the he** happened to your checkbook!

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not, or everyone is deaf.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a "tightwad".

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in getting your as* kicked.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

Warning: (nudeM please pay attention) The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug or cement burns on forehead.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are smarter, faster, tougher and better looking than most people.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing With you.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif lol
*************************************************
Missouriboy... Can you tell me where I can find one of those smart tractors? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

HW /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Take note everyone...Take all your beer and give to your snails they'll die happy and you can scoop them all up and send them to Nudem for his snail pie... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

OBare....Thanks for the tip, but nudeM doesn't make snail pie, but after much comsumption of many beers he has been known to eat them fresh out of the garden, shells and all! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
nudeM has also done some sidwalk art with his face... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I have pictures!!!!!lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hw..Sounds like Nudem needs to share some of his beer with the snails..save up all those snails and serve them for Hor de voures on our naked cruise.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Sidewalk art with your face???could be tough on the nose...I really havent tried doing art with any other parts of my body....except maybe that time with the copy machine...er uh I dont know wether you could call that art...We'll have to ask Stu2630... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Freedom4me2]

Warning labels on liquor bottles:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a geek.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Enjoy life..... SMILE!!

[stevenf64]

knock a buzzard of a manure truck.....now thats funny..... Is that as bad as you smell so bad you could gag a maggot??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
just wondering Steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[stevenf64]

Heres one just for you HW. no offense nudeM
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
WOMEN'S *** SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ***. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
I thought the results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their *** is too big...
10% of women think their *** is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

OK Stevenf64....now I'm the one laughing mine off! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif This must mean the voices have gotten to you to!!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif lol

[gamblefish]

Hey hw, that would be a cat-***-trophy...let's put it on the mantle.

[missouriboy]

hw, do you have any pictures of nudeM artistically creating a Pavement Pizza? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Yes Missouriboy, I do have the photos, but nudeM says I can't share them with the rest of the class. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Only family has seen them, and everyone who does see them gets a really good laugh. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Sorry, I can't share with you.
I can tell you that one side of the face had a pretty big scrape from forehead to chin! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

****************Chinese Proverbs*****************

*************************************************

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch as* should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like he*l, bound to get there.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

********* /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif *************

[rainy city mike]

hw
Thanks for all the wisdom /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

Thanks rainy city mike....I sent you a pm. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[rainy city mike]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,

the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[barelybob]

I spend my working day on the road, and I've been noticing something lately that makes me curious. When someone is using a cell phone while driving, they usually tend to lean over toward the phone. Is it that the phone is that heavy? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[rainy city mike]

That must be it barelybob. Maybe they are still using the old one from the 80's. Although I think Driving and Cell Phone use should be illegal. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

*************A Woman's Random Thoughts***********

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with. But if it just sits in your livingroom, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....You either married it or gave birth to it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

*************************************************

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes, of every day, someone in aerobics cl*** pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they saythings like, "you know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock cl*** in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bi*ch...do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symtoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

And finally: If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the students, "You should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the students gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

[wannabenaked2001]

(Please excuse the CAPS, this was cut and paste fron an e-mail)

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

BETWEEN 18 AND 20, A WOMAN IS LIKE AFRICA. HALF DISCOVERED, HALF-WILD, NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL WITH FERTILE DELTAS

BETWEEN 21 AND 30, A WOMAN IS LIKE AMERICA.
WELL DEVELOPED AND OPEN TO TRADE, ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WITH CASH

BETWEEN 31 AND 35, SHE IS LIKE INDIA.
VERY HOT, RELAXED AND CONVINCED OF HER OWN BEAUTY.

BETWEEN 36 AND 40, A WOMAN IS LIKE FRANCE.
GENTLY AGING BUT STILL A WARM AND DESIRABLE PLACE TO VISIT.

BETWEEN 41 AND 50, SHE IS LIKE YUGOSLAVIA. LOST THE WAR, HAUNTED BY PAST MISTAKES, EXTENSIVE RECONSTRUCTION IS NOW NECESSARY

BETWEEN 51 AND 60, SHE IS LIKE RUSSIA. VERY WIDE AND BORDERS ARE UNPATROLLED, THE FRIGID CLIMATE KEEPS PEOPLE AWAY.

BETWEEN 61 AND 70, A WOMAN IS LIKE MONGOLIA. A GLORIOUS AND ALL CONQUERING PAST BUT ALAS, NO FUTURE.

AFTER 70, WOMEN BECOME LIKE AFGHANISTAN. MOST EVERYONE KNOW WHERE IT IS, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO GO THERE.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

BETWEEN 15 AND 70, A MAN IS LIKE IRAQ. RULED BY A DICK

[hw]

wannabe....Great history lesson! Maybe this is what we should be teaching in school! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif BTW... have the voices gotten to you too? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

Voices??? Aahhhhh! I thought there were three stooges films playing in my head! Now it all makes sense! (sort of).

[hw]

Hey wannabe, relax and enjoy the ride! I think, however, there may be more than 3 stooges on the forums. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
My hair which is very "Curly", "Moe" resembles "Larry"s" locks! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Listen to the voices. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the
Congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,
they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation
decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay situation. As
you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher
got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice
said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[stevenf64]

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
> >opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover
> >that it was a mouse trap! Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse
proclaimed
> >the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap
in
> >the house."
> >
> >The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,
I
> >can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence
to
> >me; I cannot be bothered by it."
> >
> >The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the
> >house." "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there
is
> >nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my
prayers."
> >
> >The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse
> >trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?"
> >
> >So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the
> >farmer's mouse trap alone.
> >
> >That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of
a
> >mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was
> >caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake
> >whose tail the trap had caught.
> >
> >The snake bit the farmer's wife.
> >The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
> >She returned home with a fever.
> >
> >Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer
> >took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His
wife's
> >sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her
> >around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
> >The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people
> >came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat
for
> >all of them to eat.
> >
> >So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that
> >it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is
threatened,
> >we are all at risk.
> >
> >And so it may be with Germany, France and Belgium one day...
> > soon!


Just goes to show you that everybody is effected by everyones actions something to think about
steve

[stevenf64]

T h e L o v i n g H u s b a n d
>>>
>>>
>>>Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
>>>bench
>>>rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
>>>talk.
>>>Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>>>
>>>
>>>MAN: "Hello"
>>>
>>>WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>>>
>>>MAN: "Yes"
>>>
>>>WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
>>>
>>>only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>>>
>>>MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
>>>
>>>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
>>>models. I saw one I really liked."
>>>
>>>MAN: "How much?"
>>>
>>>WOMAN: "$60,000"
>>>
>>>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>>>
>>>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year
>>>is
>>>back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
>>>
>>>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
>>>$900,000."
>>>
>>>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>>>
>>>MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
>>>The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in
>>>
>>>astonishment.
>>>
>>>Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>>>

[stevenf64]

try this link
I did its funny but true, why i dont drink much.
http://www.mikeleo.com/beer/beer.swf

Stevenf64,

That is so true. I used to drink when I was in the Air Force. There was a time at the NCO Club when I stood weaving back and forth staring one woman up and down, and did she ever have a body!

Later after I sobered up and thought back, I said to myself, "Was I looking at THAT?" She had a GREAT body, but her face would have stopped a clock from ticking! But she sure did look good at the time. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

That is known as coyote ugly. When you wake up with her in the morning, you chew your arm off so as not to wake her when getting out of bed. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[stevenf64]

> An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
>
> A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
> He had spiked hair in all different colors: Green,
> Red, Orange, Blue, & Yellow.
>
> The old man just stared.
>
> Every time the young man looked, the old man was
> staring.
>
> The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
> never done anything wild in your life?"
>
> Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once & had sex
with
> a giant parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
>

[wannabenaked2001]

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a spoonful of that and, most critically, one part sodium.

"You mean?" Jim said when told.

"Yes," said Tom, "they needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Wnbn2001...Loved your story.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[stevenf64]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, -----
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear,
and continued,------ and if the dang ice cream truck hadn't come along,
he'd still be alive today!"

steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunatly the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eegs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved his paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.

50 yards down the road the Easter Bunny stopped,turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned waved, hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NoodJuggler]

Cute hw. Real cute... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Like You /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

Thanks keithmj... I hope I didn't hop off topic with that one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

THE RULES

1) The Female makes all the Rules

2) No Male can possibly know all the Rules

3) The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice

4) If the Female suspects that the male knows all the Rules, She must immediately change some or all of the Rules

5) The Female is NEVER wrong.

6) If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagerant misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.

7) If Rule 6 applies, the Male must immeiately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8) The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9) The Male must NEVER change his mind without the express written concsent of the Female.

10) The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11) The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12) The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether she wants him to be angery or upset.

13) If the Female has PMS, ALL RULES ARE NULL AND VOID.


Here kittykittykitty.

[hw]

I love you too, fred950 /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif And just so you don't feel left out, here's one just for you! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Don't Mess With Mother Nature!

Toward the end of the golf course, Sam somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I am Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...as a matter of fact, you won't have butter for anything for the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...there she was....gone.
After Sam got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pu**y willows."
Sam yells back.... "Don't Swing Fred!!!!! For the love of God, Don't Swing!!!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif lol
Meow... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

***********Big People Words*****************

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use "big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words." said the teacher.

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a Train! Use big people words."

She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replyed. "That's Wonderful!" said the teacher. "What book did you read?"

Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Sh*t."

[hw]

*******************TGIF*************************

Oil Change Instructions For Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
*************************************************

Oil Change Instructions For Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use a crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching the oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under the car and hammer a screw driver through oiler filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday; Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath the car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump freah quart of oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with the drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and siftoily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch on ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover the first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for an additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August.
36) More beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of fresh oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidently crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12 hours later; get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total- $4165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Chssst!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[FireProf]

hw,

Your last few posts, jokes, really gave us a laugh. You are one fun cat! Does nudem know this?

I never realized how much I was spending on my weekend, backyard oil changes until now. No wonder Mrs FireProf got me to go to JiffyLube. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

hw...you are too funny!!!!

I knew there was a better use for kitty litter...

hw...Luved your kindergarten and oil change stories....I guess I'm a disgrace to my gender but I never change the oil or drink beer(strange guy)....I could be into some big bucks though, when I tackle repairs on my drip irrigation system that I mangled while digging weeds with the shovel....Maybe a few Margaritas will make the job a little easier....In every job that must be done there is an element of fun....? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

FireProf, Gamblefish, and OBare, thanks for your kind remarks.
nudeM has no clue as to how funny I am, that's why I have to share with all of you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
OBare, it's ok if you don't change your own oil, you are too busy with the "snails" anyway. Salt works good on snails! Oh wait you need that for the margaritas! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Now as for me, just put some "mud" in front of me and I'll "slide" right into it! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif chssst!

I prefer not to change my own oil since I can get it done for less than $15.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba?

A: One wears a tie.

hw..Tried to soak up my leaking water with some kittilitter but had to give up in this heat we're having..With my adobe clay soil ,the litter and the heat...I think I'll make some bricks...Or more likely s*** some...Talk about tightwads....Am I back on or off topic... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jon-Marc ...Great lawyer jokes /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ...How come fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

I've always wondered which of these is true:

"Out of sight--out of mind." or

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

-----------------

An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.

They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the silver walls close behind him.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver walls open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The woman then turns and says to her son, "Son, go and get your father!"

[barelybob]

Having a well equipped shop (including a lift), oil changes are easy. However, a friend once came over with his VW bus for an oil change. It took us six hours and a case of beer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
...How come fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>For the same reason that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing, maybe?

I predict you'll have three chances to learn the answer to that... Fat, Slim and None.

How did a disgruntled person ever get gruntled in the first place? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it ... you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "O.K., sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

[hw]

OBare, It was 105 here yesterday! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Think I need to head back to the coast! Had some fog this weekend, but very nice and cool. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Now just to stay on/off topic.... If one is love and two is sex, what are three and four? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Think about it for awhile. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Seven ?

[hw]

Very good Shaybare someone is paying attention! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
*************************************************
Horse Sense
*************************************************
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy," said the guy, "He's a midget with a speech impediment."
So the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him his prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks the midget up and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I see her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her t*w*a*t?" Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's t*w*a*t, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrazth that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol

[wannabenaked2001]

A woman went to the doctor's office were she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Bumper stickers:

"All generalizations are false."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"Born Free....Taxed to Death."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."

"Montana---At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

[missouriboy]

For use in Wisconsin only...

"Smell Our Dairy Air"

[gamblefish]

For postal employees only...

"Guns don't kill people I DO!!!"

[gamblefish]

.................My Fish Story....................
.................By Gamblefish....................

Once upon a time there was this fish who swam around all day thinking, "Is this all there is? I mean, like, there must be more to life than swimming around in a stupid bowl all the time...".

Then someone came by and flushed...

[barelybob]

And the adventure began. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

.......Round and round the little Fish goes, where he stops, nobody knows. My guess would be the sewer where he ate sewer rats and grew to the size of a great white. Then he made his way to the ocean where he found.....
To be continued: /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NoodJuggler]

hw said <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>nudeM has no clue as to how funny I am, that's why I have to share with all of you. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>hw..He does now. If you really want to get his attention walk into the garage with just a oil filter wrench and a oil filter in your hands and nothing on and I know he will notice how funny you are. Wish I had a picture of that to share with my wife..LMBO..I'm just teasing you.
Myself and my WIFE enjoy your posts..BYE..Keithmj.

[hw]

Keithmj..... I could not possibly walk out into my garage with just an oil filter wrench in one hand and an oil filter in the other and nothing else on. I'll tell you why if you promise not to tell anyone else...ok...shhhh.
See the goofy little creature in the left hand corner of this post,(not the cat)? That is what my hair looks like on a good day! On a bad day it looks like a brillo pad on crack! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif I have to wear a scrunchy at least! So I couldn't be totally nude even if I wasn't wearing clothes. Sorry if I'm rambling, it's those voices again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Take note nudeM, Mr. and Mrs. Keithmj think I'm funny. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
*************************************************
(Attention all "Tightwads", the above mentioned crack joke was aimed at no one but myself. Since I have no objection to this post please leave it alone.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Have a great June!

[NoodJuggler]

Hey hw...What kind of beer are you drinking? lol. I have to get me some of it..I like RedDog but I just can't hear any voices. Am I drinking the wrong beer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif My dog keeps telling me not to worry about it. Should I listen to his advice? You see my cat says that I shouldn't drink RedDog beer but Budweizer then I will start to hear the voices. Help me out here..BYE..Keithmj http://www.naturalandnude.com/reddogdecal.gif

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call, 'David', and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she replied, "and they all come."

"But what if you want a certain child to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[hw]

Keithmj, buddy....my "beer" of choice is Diet Pepsi. I leave all the beer drinking to nudeM.. hey somebody has to drive right? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Beer does bad stuff to me...like the morning after I'm praying to the pocelain throne and my head feels like Suntied or Stevenf64 ran over it with a truck! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Wine has the same effect so I steer clear of that too. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Now if you want to talk about Mudslide.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Stay and play in the sand box long enough and the voices will help you too.
BTW...never ever trust a dog! Or fish /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[threadbare]

- FISH -
- ABOUT -
- TALKING -
- JACKA$$ -
- THIS -
- KEPT -
- I -
- LONG -
- HOW -
- SEE -

1- Read this list aloud.
2- Read list aloud placing the word "fish" before each word.
3- Read this list aloud placing the word "fish" after each word.
4- Read this list placing the word "fish" before & after each word.
5- Read this list from bottom to top!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[DeweyND]

Okay Threadbare.....

You got me /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif , and I'm not too proud to admit it. Guess I should have read the complete set of instructions through first, before going to the word game....ROFL

Have a great day!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Dewey

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
A 19-yo woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>"Six," she replied.

"How much support does their father pay you?"

"Their father?" the girl asked, quizzically.

"The children do all have the same father, don't they?"

"OH, no, ma'am," the girl replied, dejectedly.

"Well, then, do any of the children have the same father?"

Her eyes lit up and she gushed, "OH, YES, MA'AM! Da twins does!"

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun doesn't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dusty day... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and yelled out to everyone, "Look out everybody, Big Bart's a'comin' to town!"

The saloon cleared out, the streets were emptied, the place was like a ghost town in thirty seconds flat.

Five minutes later, a big cloud of dust appeared and up to the saloon rode a huge giant of a man on a Brahma Bull of at least 2500 lbs. He screeched to a halt, dismounted, and proceeded to pound his fist into the bull's face to make him back up to the rail, then tied the bull's tail to the rail. As he stomped his way into the saloon, two boards broke under his weight and one swinging door went spinning to the floor while the man crashed one big hand onto the bartop and yelled, "WHISKEY!" in a voice that shook the chandeliers.

The shuddering bartender slipped in from the back room, shakingly got a fresh bottle off the backshelf and placed it in front of him and said, "H-h-here you are, M-m-m-mister," and quickly scurried back through the door.

The big guy grabbed the bottle, bit off the neck with his teeth, slugged the whole bottle down in a single chug, yelled "Thanks" and stomped back toward the door to leave. The bartender stuck his head back out the door and suggested, "D-d-don't you w-w-want another d-d-drink?"

"No way," the guy bellowed, "I'm gettin' the hell outta town! Ain't you heard? BIG BART'S A'COMIN'!!!

DUMB CROOKS:

A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49. 73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard--which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years before. Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

--------------

Am unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison--for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the...nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but he changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous", and says the man's injury is punishment enough.

[hw]

Hey Jon-Marc....love your jokes and stories. I started a new topic for articles found in newspapers called The Duh Factor. Please keep these stories coming, they are great. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

MORE DUMB CROOKS:

A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attemped robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave him a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store...and called the police.

----------------

A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant--where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

A young man finally won a date with the blonde who lived in the same apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, he went up on the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". The young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started hurting him again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a cool glass of milk. He placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen, and upon seeing what he was doing, exclaimed, "So, that's how you guys load those things!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NoodJuggler]

I just had to post this..

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said
to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around
the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ROFLMAO..Enjoy..Keithmj

Keith,

The version I have of that one says "Ferrari" rather than Lexus. Anyway, I had to discard mine since you trumped me on that one.

-------------------

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to arrive.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, than sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[hw]

Alabama
It Should Be: At Least We're Not Mississippi
It Is: We Dare Defend Our Rights

Alaska
It Should Be: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
It Is: North to the Future

Arizona
It Should Be: Dehyd-rific!
It Is: God Enriches

Arkansas
It Should Be: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
It Is: The People Rule

California
It Should Be: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
It Is: Eureka...I Have Found It

Colorado
It Should Be: Too Wimpy to Cross the Mountains So We Stopped Here
It Is: Nothing Without Providence

Connecticut
It Should Be: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
It Is: He Who Transplanted Still Sustains

Delaware
It Should Be: We Really Do Like the Chemicals In Our Water
It Is: Liberty and Independence

Florida
It Should Be: Senior Citizen Discounts Available
It Is: In God We Trust

Georgia
It Should Be: Confederate Money Welcome
It Is: Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation

Hawaii
It Should Be: Come, Get Lai-ed
It Is: The Life of the Land is Perpetuated in Righteousness

Idaho
It Should Be: We Don't Care If You Spell Potato With an "E"
It Is: It Is Forever

Illinois
It Should Be: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
It Is: State Sovereignty, National Union

Indiana
It Should Be: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
It Is: The Crossroads of America

Iowa
It Should Be: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
It Is: Our Liberties We Prize and Our Rights We Will Maintain

Kansas
It Should Be: Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
It Is: To the Stars Through Difficulties

Kentucky
It Should Be: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
It Is: United We stand, Divided We Fall

Louisiana
It Should Be: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
It Is: Union, Justice, and Confidence

Maine
It Should Be: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
It Is: I Direct

Maryland
It Should Be: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
It Is: Manly Deeds, Womanly Words

Massachusetts
It Should Be: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
It Is: By the Sword We Seek Peace, but Peace Only Under Liberty

Michigan
It Should Be: Land of the Free, Home of the Buick
It Is: If You Seek a Pleasant Peninsula, Look About You

Minnesota
It Should Be: 10,000 Lakes...and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
It Is: The Star of the North

Mississippi
It Should Be: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State
It Is: By Valor and Arms

Missouri
It Should Be: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars Hard at Work
It Is: The Welfare of the People Shall Be the Supreme Law

Montana
It Should Be: It's Where You're Wanted
It Is: Gold and Silver

Nebraska
It Should Be: More Corn Than Kansas
It Is: Equality Before the Law

Nevada
It Should Be: Hookers and Poker!
It Is: All For Our Country

New Hampshire
It Should Be: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
It Is: Live Free or Die

New Jersey
It Should Be: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
It Is: Liberty and Prosperity

New Mexico
It Should Be: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
It Is: It Grows as It Goes

New York
It Should Be: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
It Is: Excelsior

North Carolina
It Should Be: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
It Is: To Be, Rather Than to Seem

North Dakota
It Should Be: Um, We've Got, Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
It Is: Liberty and Union Now and Forever, One and Inseparable

Ohio
It Should Be: Home of Lake Erie and the Mistake by the Lake
It Is: With God, All Things are Possible

Oklahoma
It Should Be: We're OK, You're NOT
It Is: Labor Conquers All Things

Oregon
It Should Be: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
It Is: She Flies With Her Own Wings

Pennsylvania
It Should Be: Cook With Coal
It Is: Virtue, Liberty, and Independence

Rhode Island
It Should Be: We're Not REALLY an Island
It Is: Hope

South Carolina
It Should Be: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
It Is: Prepared In Mind and Resources/While I Breathe, I Hope

South Dakota
It Should Be: Closer Than North Dakota
It Is: Under God the People Rule

Tennessee
It Should Be: The Edjucashun State
It Is: Agriculture and Commerce

Texas
It Should Be: Si Hablo Ingles
It Is: Friendship

Utah
It Should Be: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
It Is: Industry

Vermont
It Should Be: Yep
It Is: Freedom and Unity

Virginia
It Should Be: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
It Is: Thus Always to Tyrants

Washington
It Should Be: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
It Is: Bye and Bye

West Virginia
It Should Be: One Big Happy Family...Really!
It Is: Mountaineers Are Always Free

Wisconsin
It Should Be: Say "Cheeeese"
It Is: Forward

Wyoming
It Should Be: Why Are You Here?
It Is: Equal Rights

[DeweyND]

HW said:
"North Dakota
It Should Be: Um, We've Got, Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
It Is: Liberty and Union Now and Forever, One and Inseparable"

Hey HW, Sounds like your jealous that there are no Dinosaur Bones in CA /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

I'll admit that living here in the winter can take a bit of getting used to, but most of us love it here all year-round.

The "voices" are telling me to tell you that we have a Dinosaur Museum in Dickinson, ND; so, should you ever get up to our fine state, be sure to stop in there and take a look. Also, let me know your on the way, so I can tell Law Enforcement to be on the look-out for the RV driven by and full of nudist's, with a large keg in the back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Take care, hope EVERYONE has a GREAT SUMMER, up here in the Northern Hemisphere!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

DuWayne

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DeweyND:
HW said:
"North Dakota
It Should Be: Um, We've Got, Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
It Is: Liberty and Union Now and Forever, One and Inseparable"
Hey HW, Sounds like your jealous that there are no Dinosaur Bones in CA /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
The "voices" are telling me to tell you that we have a Dinosaur Museum in Dickinson, ND; so, should you ever get up to our fine state, be sure to stop in there and take a look.
DuWayne <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>________________________________________________
Dewey/DuWayne We do have dinosaur bones in CA, we call them oil. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Dickinson, ND should have been posted in the Topic, "Who thought of that one". But since this is off topic I guess you posted it just right. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

ND for a vacation? What do the rest of my voice-activated buddies think? (Guys, he's hearing the voices too...he's one of us.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
ND for a vacation? What do the rest of my voice-activated buddies think? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Does North Dakota really exist?

I've long suspected that there is only 1 Dakota, home to a billion prairie dogs, the Corn Palace, the Black Hills and Badlands, George McGovern and a bunch of missile silos.

Sure, they show a whole 2nd Dakota on the maps, but have you ever met anyone from that so-called 'North' Dakota? Name a famous person from 'North' Dakota ... Lawrence Welk? With that accent? Sure buddy, today INS would have been all over him with such a claim.

Have you or anyone you know ever been to 'North' Dakota? How can you tell? Were you fooled by a few signs ... can you really tell the difference between the endless frozen prairies of regular Dakota and 'North' Dakota?

Nope, I'm convinced this whole 'North' Dakota hoax is just a conspiracy to give Dakotan's and extra set of Senators and unequal representation in the Senate and on the National Governor's Council.

Next up 'Yoopers', a Canadian province hidden within Michigan!

-Mark (what voices?)

[hw]

Mark buddy, I'm afraid the voices are so ingrained in your brain, you don't even realize they are there. It seems they have taken over the brains of all the Ohio-ians. (Just look at some of the posts by Gamblefish and Suntied!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

If ND doesn't really exsist, can the same be said about any other state, including Ohio? I've never been to either one of those states, so I just have to take the word of the voices of my buddies that they do exsist. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[rdgall]

I have been to North Dakota and South Dakota. The demographic center of the continental US is in South Dakota. It used to be the Kansas,but when Alaska came a state, that moved the center to South Dakota. I had a picnic at that point in my travels. I have been in several states of the Union and I find that each state has its own beauty. Each state is different, but each has its own charm. Someone up above posted the mottos of each state. If you want to see that and more on each state, visit my webpage and click onto State Symbols. The address is
http://rdgallo.tripod.com

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
If ND doesn't really exsist, can the same be said about any other state, including Ohio? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>http://www.iskip.com/classic40.gif

Sure Ohio exists, it's right there (me pointing downward). If Ohio didn't exist how can you explain all the Ohio people posting here? No way anyone is twisted enough to make up all these characters!

Ohio is the home of the Football Hall of Fame, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, The Amazin' Flamin' Cuyahoga River (now mostly clean), the bodies of the Roswell Aliens (at Wright Patterson Air Force Base), historical figures like Blue Jacket (white man adopted by Shawnees who became their Chief), Tecumseh, Pontiac, 8 presidents, Thomas Edison, the Wright brothers, O Henry, Annie Oakley, Jesse Owens, John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, nudist pioneer Edith Church, Gloria Steinem, Bob Hope, Jack Nicklaus, future Senator Jerry Springer and Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich (sorry about that).

No imaginary State could have done THAT much damage to American history! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

http://www.ohio200.org/graphics/random/home/5.jpg
Actual photo of the Alien
attack on Cleveland

http://www.trademark-licensing.ohio-state.edu/graphics/OHBic_Mascot.gif
Ohio Governor Bob Taft

http://www.iskip.com/limaohio.jpg
Ohioans embrace new religions

http://www.ppco.net/drum03.jpg
The Official Ohio State Bush

Have you hugged an Ohioan today?

-Mark

[Prometheus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Illinois
It Should Be: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nah, that's just our backup motto for when it's too cold to use the real one:

Road Construction Ahead /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

Naturistmark....you little jokemaster you! That was great, now someone help me off the floor! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I think you may have a point, no one could make up that many characters from one state. Isn't there someone you forgot? Isn't Drew Carey from Cleveland, Ohio. (Lately I've been thinking Ohio should change it's name to Oh-My-Oh) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Prometheus, may I suggest you rename Illinois to something that truely reflects the state of the state? Call it, I'll-annoy. ( no "S" to confuse people) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rdgall:
I have been to North Dakota and South Dakota. The demographic center of the continental US is in South Dakota. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How can that be? I'd surely think the majority of citizens live south of the Dakotas. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>It used to be the Kansas,but when Alaska came a state, that moved the center to South Dakota. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>OOOPS! Now I get it -- you meant the geographic center! Never mind! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Dickinson, ND should have been posted in the Topic, "Who thought of that one". /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>OMIGOD!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

hw, doll, you can REALLY spot 'em, can't ya? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>OMIGOD!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
hw, doll, you can REALLY spot 'em, can't ya? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy...call it a gift. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Senior Citizens Get Back at the Government!!!

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The docotor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.", and he charged them $50.00.

This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We are not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holliday Inn charges $100.00, the Hilton charges $125.00, we do it here for $50.00 and I get back $46.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol

[hw]

OMG...playing on the stereo right now is "Stuck in the middle with you", by Stealers Wheel....anyone remember they lyrics? "Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right"... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
_________________________________________________
Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know the cat was dead?" she asked the pupil. "Because I p*ssed in it's ear and it didn't move", the child answered innocently. "You did WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over the cat and went Pssst! and it didn't move". /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Always Wear Clean Underpants!!!!!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have the car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Nude in the North]

I don't know why I came here tonight.
I got a feeling that something ain't right.
I'm so scared I think I'll fall off my chair.
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs.
.....

Story of my life....

Steve

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nude in the North:
I don't know why I came here tonight.
I got a feeling that something ain't right.
I'm so scared I think I'll fall off my chair.
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs.
.....

Story of my life....

Steve <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nude, Dude you remembered! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Here's a couple of suggestions: For the chair problem try installing seatbelts. Some people who come to the off topic fun stuff tend to have the problem of falling off their chairs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Now for getting down the stairs how about a Stair Master? Once you've mastered the Stair Master you should be able to master the stairs. Am I confusing you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Sorry, it's the voices. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Nude\'n\'happy]

Hey, I've been to North Dakota. Spent 5 winters there. Darn near froze everthing off. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Now, I just burn everything here in southern Nevada. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Actually, I enjoyed being stationed there while in the Air Force. In fact, my daughter was born in Minot. (Why not Minot...Freezens the reason) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif . Did you know that Rugby, North Dakota is the geographical center of North America? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I be nude:
Hey, I've been to North Dakota. Spent 5 winters there. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How do you know that wasn't just the north part of 'Dakota' and they just changed the signs to fool the unwary.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Did you know that Rugby, North Dakota is the geographical center of North America? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Is that really all of North America including the Carribean and Central America down to where Panama touches Columbia? Most people think of North America as just the US and Canada. Nope.

-Mark

[Nude\'n\'happy]

That's the center of the North American continent. Including The U.S., Canada, & Mexico. I'm not sure were the official seperation is between North America and South America.

[Nude\'n\'happy]

It has to be a seperate state. Who else would have something called the Turtle Mountains that only stretch about 700 feet in elevation above the surrounding area. South Dakota has the Black Hills which raise several thousand feet above the surrounding area.

BTW, what's the highest paid most dangerous job in North Dakota?

Riding shotgun on a garbage truck. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

There were two North Dakotans walking from Minot, ND to Glasgow, MT. As they walked down the highway, one of the North Dakotans asked the other, "How long will it take to get there?". The Second North Dakotan answered "Can't you read the road signs? It says 55 days and 55 nights."

[Jochanaan]

I too have been to North Dakota, some quarter-century ago, and so can vouch for its existence. But most of what I remember is a tour of the big Air Force Base in Minot, where I learned that if ND were a separate country it would be the third largest nuclear power in the world. (I can't verify if that's still true, but I don't think our arsenals have changed that much /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif )

But at least ND has hills, which is more than one can say of Manitoba across the border. You've heard the expression "flat as a pancake"? Well, Manitoba is as flat as the grill that bakes the pancakes!

BTW, Nebraska's motto should be, "Yes, we DO have hills!" I should know; I grew up there.

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I be nude:
I'm not sure were the official seperation is between North America and South America. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The Panama/Columbia border

-Mark

[DeweyND]

Hi, me again... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

" <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I be nude:
It has to be a seperate state. Who else would have something called the Turtle Mountains that only stretch about 700 feet in elevation above the surrounding area. South Dakota has the Black Hills which raise several thousand feet above the surrounding area."

Actually, I live just SE of the Turtle Mtns; 10 miles gets me into them /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


"There were two North Dakotans walking from Minot, ND to Glasgow, MT. As they walked down the highway, one of the North Dakotans asked the other, "How long will it take to get there?". The Second North Dakotan answered "Can't you read the road signs? It says 55 days and 55 nights." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>"

As of the first of July, that sign now says 65 (day or night)

Dewey

[mj]

I ws born in OHIO, yes it does exist, and grew up in North Dakota. Mandan, to be exact. I also lived in WHYNOT MINOT for a year. For you OHIOANS....I can assure you there is a North Dakota. North Dakota is a good place to live....fresh, clean air, low/no crime rate, and a good place to raise a family....so why am I in Ohio and not North Dakota...one of the bad things about North Dakota.....huge state..but few jobs.

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mj:
I can assure you there is a North Dakota. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sure there is ...

Let's see, yeeesssss, I've been to North Dakota, actually seen it with me own eyes. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Is MJ a paid agent of disinformation from the Dakota Conspiracy of the North? Or is he just another dupe fooled by doctored maps and a few highway dept signs?

The TRUTH is OUT THERE

-Mark

Dogpile Joke Of The Day....How to confuse a blond ....Stick her in a round room and tell her to find a corner... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing
happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was
a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession.

I'm in sales also.

What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh".

"No, I won't".

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax".

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I
knew you would laugh"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!

Oh Oh Oh...Hw...Bad Bad Bad /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Outdoorbare, I'm not trying to be bad. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif I think I was just tired from lack of sleep and all that "Sun" I've been getting! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif You know how mushrooms tend to shrivel up. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

All the organs of the body were having a meetin