You know you're a Redneck when.....

[hw]

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter

You burn your yard rather than mow it

You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive

The Salvation Army declines your mattress

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph

You come back from the dump with more than you took

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem

Your kids take the siphon hose to show and tell

You have a used rag for a gas cap

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean

You can spit without opening your mouth

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart

Your working tv is sitting on top of your non-working tv

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter

You burn your yard rather than mow it

You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive

The Salvation Army declines your mattress

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph

You come back from the dump with more than you took

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem

Your kids take the siphon hose to show and tell

You have a used rag for a gas cap

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean

You can spit without opening your mouth

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart

Your working tv is sitting on top of your non-working tv

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Where I used to live, yes I burned my yard! It keeps the ticks and snakes under control.

Where I come from, truck tires are frequently used to make raised beds for flowers.

We would white-wash tree trunks for beauty. Some of us decorate the trees in our front yards by hanging glass bottles of various colors from the branches.

Lots of folks put their washing machines out on the front porch. It is a little vain, but some are right proud of a new washer and feel that it decorates the porch to bring out such a pretty white machine for all to see.

I once had a house that came with four wheels. The air conditioning consisted of an elm tree overhead and all windows open and a box fan running by the door.

Our community pool was made by damming up the creek with large rocks.

When I caught a possum in my chicken coop, the neighbors decided to bake him in a big dish, surrounding him with sweet potatoes. When I asked why, they said, "them taters was to sop up all the grease".

I prefer the taste of chicken, so I took good care of my small flock. But as long as a chicken lays eggs, she is worth more to me alive than in the frying pan. I used to sell my excess eggs at work and on the side of the road on Saturday mornings.

I like to visit areas where people sit on their front porch to talk and see who is driving by. On a summer evening it is too hot to go back in the house if you don't have an air conditioner and it used to be a luxury to own one.

Now I have a fancy house with city water and everyday I keep wishing I could go back to the country.

Am I a Redneck?

[hw]

Trailscout....you're not a redneck. You live in the city now, right? I know the feeling of wanting to go back home, to the good old days... unfortunatly things are just so different now. This is just off topic fun stuff.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ....so let's have some fun with it..... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Trailscout]

Hey HW!
Your post put a smile on my face and helped remind me of all the fun I used to have.
Who knows, I may go back to the deep woods yet!
Thanks for the humor!

Okay, I will share my favorite quote from Jeff Foxworthy, "You might be a redneck if....
You take a beer to a job interview"

[hw]

You are welcome, Trailscout..check your PM's. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Kenny G]

Hey HW, me thinks one of my club members qualifies, the other day he was telling me about trimming branches in his back yard.............WITH HIS .22 ! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

Kenny G....either that guy is a red neck, or he's heard my voices /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[chuckie30]

And did you ever hear a red neck say:" we cant feed that to the dogs."?

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Where I used to live, I once had a house that came with four wheels. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I got it! I got it! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

ARKANSAS, right? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Where all the cars are on blocks, and the houses are on wheels! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Not a bad guess, I do have cousins in Arkansas.
I used to live in the southern foothills of Appalachia.

Here are some more vignets from my youth:

Daddy's uncle used to be in the beverage distribution business (white lightning bootlegger).

My great grandfather kept a hog in his back yard even though he had moved to the city.

At a nearby trailer park, the manager used a goat to keep the kudzu vines from growing over the trailers; thus trapping the residents inside their own homes. Unfortunately the kudzu grew faster than the goat could eat. It was a sad day in our community when we heard the news.

A home security system consisted of turning the hound dogs loose at the approach of unwelcome strangers to buy time while you loaded your rifle.

[gamblefish]

Y'all might be a redneck if...

You've ever stolen toilet paper

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center

There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall

You've ever been pumping gas and another costumer asks you to check their oil

You think the bud bowl is real

You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the pampers box means how much the diaper will hold

You think the nutcracker is something you did off the highdive

You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time

Your kids have three day old kool-aid mustache

You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it

Your chili's secret ingrediant comes from the bait shop

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string

You have a refridgerator just for beer

[barelybob]

Hey, I've got two of those refrigerators.

One of my Grandfathers had two two holers. So I figured he was rich. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[nudeM]

Your one year old kid has more teeth than you do;

You attend 8th grade graduation for your kids diploma, and you're next in line for yours;

You mow the grass in the back, and find your car;

You go fishing out of the swimming pool;

You "sit on the pot" and re-enact the bombing mission of Iraq;

Your "beer refrigerator" has more in it than the one in the house;

Your fishing bait has migrated over to the main refrigerator in the house;

You go to a family renunion to look for a date.

[hw]

Hey Barelybob...I hope there wasn't an upsairs and downstairs in the two-holer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[chuckie30]

What else are you supposed to keep in the refridgerator besides beer??????? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

Mudslide chuckie.....pure and simple...and with all the great flavors! Mudslide is great in the fact that you don't have to go to the two holers as often as you do with beer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Do you ever feel like with beer you are just renting it for a time? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[nudeM]

Many years ago, before I met hw, I used to keep condoms in the refigerator. Could it be, that the term cold c--ked" came into existenece? I don't know for sure, but they stayed fresh for a long time. Redneck? I don't know. But I did use them for water balloons at a birthday party once. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[chuckie30]

Well now hw, I was just posting a redneck question, I actually dont drink beer. A nice cuppa coffee and a good cigar, what more could one want?

[barelybob]

No HW, they were side by side so you can visit while taking care of business. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

BTW, I was by there a couple of weeks ago, and I noticed that one of them is still there. I guess they keep it for emergencies.

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nudeM:
Many years ago, before I met hw, I used to keep condoms in the refigerator. Could it be, that the term cold c--ked" came into existenece? I don't know for sure, but they stayed fresh for a long time. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh, c'mon nudeM...with a mug like yours you had to be more popular than that... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Suntied]

A Redneck says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot
date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of
condoms is $4.99 with tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a'
mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"

I'm back... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif for now /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

Warning....the last post of nudeM is not to be taken seriously.......he's been in the chssst, I mean ice chest! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Or was that the extra refrigerator?
So barelybob, do you keep your refrigerator by the outhouse? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hope you don't confuse the two doors! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

This is a true story:
As I drove out toward the lake, I passed a bait shop. The sign out front read, "ICE COLD BOTTLED BEER! worms inside". /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

I guess it goes to show how well beer and fishing go together.

[hw]

Trailscout....Are you sure that was beer, or was it tequila /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif As in 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, Floor! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

The four stages of tequila:

3 shots: I'm smart...

5 shots: I'm rich...

7 shots: I'm good looking...

10 shots: I'm bullet-proof...

[barelybob]

HW, the secret is to keep a good deal of separation between the two. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

I know..Barelybob....Make sure when you gotta go there is a little "moon" on the door. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[nudist_in_Tn]

You might be a Red Neck if you can't make it in to work on account of mud. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[randomnude]

You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and it kills more than 3 cats! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

randomnude....Gamblfish is gonna love that one, but I heard you might be a Redneck if your front porch collapses and it kills more than 4 dogs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Suntied]

I thought you where a redneck if the porch collapeses and your grandmother and her husband... your uncle both survive by hidding under the cow.

I don't know... just a thought (ouch, it hurts when I do that)
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Hey Barelybob...I hope there wasn't an upstairs and downstairs in the two-holer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh, but in military academies there WERE!! Can ya guess which floor was for Plebes and which was for Upperclassmen? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

missouriboy and Suntied.....thanks for listening to the voices! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Do you know how to tell if you're a rich redneck? No corn-cobs in the out-house....Sears and Robucks catalogs all the way! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by randomnude:
You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and it kills more than 3 cats! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yep, I must be a redneck. Of course I would try to lure ALL the cats under the porch before said collapse happened, then I would burn it just to make sure there are no survivors.

hw, everyone knows that dogs are too smart to get caught under collapsing porches...geez!!

[shãybare]

You know your a red-neck if your flower garden is all plastic.

Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

Anybody else feel this way? If you act like a "Tightwad", could you be considered a "Red Neck"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
If the grass on your roof is greener than what's in your yard....you could be a yahoo redneck. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif If you use real cat-gut to string your guitar... you could be a Fish Red Neck... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[gamblefish]

I use real cat-gut to decorate my street with.

[Trailscout]

Possible Redneck if:

Your wife has more than one recipe for possum.

You think truck tires make great planters for the garden and the guy down the road is wondering what happened to his truck's back left tire.

You make a "bottle tree" by hanging small colored glass bottles from a small tree in your yard.

Your teenage son goes muddin' on weekends...in your neighbor's lawns. He also wins a lot of "knock down the mailbox with your car" contests.

You enjoy the sport of hunting deer by night with a pack of dogs and a spotlight.

You can't afford a powerful engine in your car, so you do the next best thing: punch a hole in the muffler to impress girls with how loud your car is.

You wanted to be a bootlegger like Uncle Jake when you were growing up.

There ain't nothin' wrong with your radio.

You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Just Say No To Crack", and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

Q: What does a Redneck say just before he gets injured?
A: "Watch this!"

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom

Q" What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room"
A: A full set of teeth.

Q" What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

You might be a Redneck if your daddy walks you to school, and you're both in the same grade.