The Duh Factor......News Of The Weird [Archive]

06-04-2003, 10:26 AM

We've all seen strange news articles from time to time. I thought I'd start a new topic for all to post things they have read in local newspapers. Not like the made up stories in the tabloids like in "The Star" or "The News".
Even the local want ads can be a good source of interesting reading. So let's see what you've read. lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

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Beam Him up, Scotty:

Tony A.,50, recently placed his small Leicestershire, England, apartment on the market for the equivalent of US $1.7 million, a price he said was realistic because he has spent nearly 10 years crafting the premises as a finely detailed model of the "Star Trek" starship Enterprise. Included are a lifesize transporter control, a gigantic warp core drive, voice-activated lighting and security, and an infinity mirror. Tony said he started the project as therapy when his wife walked out on him.
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Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer:

In Riverhead, N.Y., in December, Oscar N., 69, filed a $5.5 million lawsuit against the New York Dinner Theater of Manhasset for injuries he suffered when a dancer from the show (performed on location at an Office Depot holiday party)slipped and fell on top of him during an audience-participation number. The bigger-than-he-is dancer had persuaded Oscar to step out onto the floor, where she twirled him around to a fast number, "bounced my head back and forth into her breasts" and "lowered me down into a dip" but then lost control, with both falling to the floor (Oscar with a fractured ankle).
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Cellular Survival:

In Hamlin, W.Va., in Januray, a 19-year-old driver survived having her car hit by trains on two tracks (being knocked off one track onto another and then hit while on that track). She was in that perdicament only because she had followed safe-driver guidelines by pulling off the road to make a cell phone call, but the place she pulled off onto was a railroad track.

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OK everyone...happy reading. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-04-2003, 10:26 AM

06-04-2003, 02:45 PM

This is an article that appeared in a German newspaper.

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my home via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.

"I suppose that's the reason they're called catflaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.

"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes, but then I wanted to go to the lavatory."

"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway, so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and underpants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks."

"Then they placed a sign next to me which said, 'Germany resurgent, an essay in art. Please give generously' and left me there."

"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said, 'Very good! Very good!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me."

"In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts, and an old woman complained to the police. The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me as soon as I was free. Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

My question is--does anyone know how much DM3,000 is in American?

06-04-2003, 02:51 PM

Jon-Marc...Perfection! ROFLMAO good one! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Prometheus

06-04-2003, 03:03 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
My question is--does anyone know how much DM3,000 is in American? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Somewhere around US$500 I think, Jon-Marc.

Rooster

06-04-2003, 03:55 PM

1,786.12 USD at today's rate.

Go to THIS LINK (http://www.xe.com/ucc/) for conversion page. Note, DM is DEM on that page, Deutsche Mark, and they use the Euro now.

Ned

06-04-2003, 04:08 PM

New to the board, but, I love weird stuff.

(2000, England) This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for elective surgery to go along with your stolen goods.
A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale.

The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."

06-04-2003, 06:02 PM

Welcome, Nude Every Day! Great post. So you are from Ohio? Oh good, another one! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Check out some of the other posters here, they too are from OH. Gamblefish and Suntied, just to name a couple. (oops, sorry they are not really a couple) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Hope to see you post more. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

06-04-2003, 06:50 PM

Jon-Marc and Ned...Great stories /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Now Ive heard everything /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-04-2003, 08:19 PM

Ned,

that was hilarious!

CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS:

South African Health-Pelonomi Hospital
Date: July 26, 1996 10:08

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning", a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."

However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support system back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so that there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed." Cape Times

A strong letter?? Is that all they did? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

wannabenaked2001

06-04-2003, 08:29 PM

This guy got an Honorable mention from the Darwin Awards. The event took place in 1982, and he later shot him self to death. Check out the Darwin awards website, it's a hoot! (My wife's uncle always used to say "the dumbest stories usually start out with "me and my buddies were drinkin..."".
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
(1982, California) Larry Walters of Los Angeles is one of the few to contend for the Darwin Awards and live to tell the tale. "I have fulfilled my 20-year dream," said Walters, a former truck driver for a company that makes TV commercials. "I'm staying on the ground. I've proved the thing works."

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. But fates conspired to keep him from his dream. He joined the Air Force, but his poor eyesight disqualified him from the job of pilot. After he was discharged from the military, he sat in his backyard watching jets fly overhead.

He hatched his weather balloon scheme while sitting outside in his "extremely comfortable" Sears lawnchair. He purchased 45 weather balloons from an Army-Navy surplus store, tied them to his tethered lawnchair dubbed the Inspiration I, and filled the 4' diameter balloons with helium. Then he strapped himself into his lawnchair with some sandwiches, Miller Lite, and a pellet gun. He figured he would pop a few of the many balloons when it was time to descend.

Larry's plan was to sever the anchor and lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard, where he would enjoy a few hours of flight before coming back down. But things didn't work out quite as Larry planned.

When his friends cut the cord anchoring the lawnchair to his Jeep, he did not float lazily up to 30 feet. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon, pulled by the lift of 42 helium balloons holding 33 cubic feet of helium each. He didn't level off at 100 feet, nor did he level off at 1000 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 16,000 feet.

At that height he felt he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting cold and frightened with his beer and sandwiches, for more than 14 hours. He crossed the primary approach corridor of LAX, where Trans World Airlines and Delta Airlines pilots radioed in reports of the strange sight.

Eventually he gathered the nerve to shoot a few balloons, and slowly descended. The hanging tethers tangled and caught in a power line, blacking out a Long Beach neighborhood for 20 minutes. Larry climbed to safety, where he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked him why he had done it. Larry replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

The Federal Aviation Administration was not amused. Safety Inspector Neal Savoy said, "We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will be filed."

06-04-2003, 09:47 PM

LONDON--A baffled British woman who lost a mobile phone dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend's dog.

Rachel Murray, 27, had left the cellphone under her Christmas tree as a surprise gift for her flatmate, The Sun newspaper reported.

But chum Tony Dangerfield's bloodhound Charlie crept into the room and greedily wolfed down the mobile phone, leaving only a pile of torn paper.

After a frantic search for the phone, Murray dialed the number and heard muffled ringing from sleeping Charlie's stomach.

"At first I thought Charlie was lying on the phone--then I realized where it was," she said. "I couldn't believe he'd swallowed it."

The dog was rushed to a vet, who advised Murray and Dangerfield to let nature take its course.

Twenty four hours later the phone duly emerged--in perfect working order.

But who would want to use it?

06-04-2003, 10:17 PM

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Jon-Marc where are you digging up all these hilarious stories....please take them out and bury them again /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

missouriboy

06-05-2003, 02:41 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
[QB...a 19-year-old driver survived having her car hit by trains on two tracks. She had followed safe-driver guidelines by pulling off the road to make a cell phone call, but the place she pulled off onto was a railroad track.
[/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Blonde, I bet. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout

06-05-2003, 08:46 AM

Federal agencies use any ruse possible to extend the range of activities they administer.

Overheard recently on a Washington DC elevator:
If the FAA administers all activities related to aviation, and this elevator is a mechanical device that travels through the air, don't we at the FAA need to assume command of all elevators throughout the nation?

If that happens, look for imminent FAA regulation of migratory birds, flying fish, kites, hang gliders, tree squirrels, bats, etc...

06-05-2003, 09:21 AM

Outdoorbare, I find all of this stuff on the Internet. Here's some more:

According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks, their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased significantly. Another group of mice, exposed to classical music, actually improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard rock mice are each other.

Since hw started this as being news articles, that's all I have for now.

06-05-2003, 10:25 AM

Jon-Marc..."Hard rock mice are each other" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif AH HA Ha....ODB

06-05-2003, 10:43 AM

Yummy, schizophrenic mice! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif My favorite next to Fish! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

06-05-2003, 12:26 PM

That's what happens when I don't proofread properly. That is supposed to be "ate each other".

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St. Petersburg, Florida:

A Florida woman is offering to sell one of her kidneys to pay off a hospital debt.

Ruth Sparrow ran an ad over the weekend in the St. Petersburg Times. It read: "KIDNEY-Runs good. Taking offers."

Sparrow is serious. She owes $20,000 for gall bladder surgery and wants to pay it off.

She says both her kidneys work find, and she's willing to part with one to settle her debt. She offered one kidney to Bayfront Medical Center, which turned it down.

The newspaper has stopped running the ad, since selling organs is illegal in Florida.

06-05-2003, 02:55 PM

In mid-March, as the war started in Iraq, a resolution was introduced in the Seattle City Council offering support for U.S. troops. However, some council members wanted to express opposition to the war, while others wanted to go beyond troop support to commend war. When the council finally agreed on a bland-enough resolution on April 14, the members had been fighting over the wording for a longer time than it took U.S. troops to enter Iraq and capture Baghdad.
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According to an Associated Press report, six candidates for city offices in Charleston, W.Va., misspelled their party affiliations in their official filing forms. Among the variations were "Democart", Democrate", "Repbulican" and "Repucican". In fact, one of the city council incumbents had, four years earlier, also declared himself to be a "Democart."
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Hong Kong Tourisim Board ads promising that the city would "Take Your Breath Away" debuted in several British magazines just as the SARS epidemic broke.

Ned

06-05-2003, 04:32 PM

Thanks for the welcome. Yes, I am from Ohio--where we are round on both ends and hi in the middle-- O HI O and quite possibly the only place in the universe where the below could happen

Can you believe this happened in OHIO!
It's a good thing she wasn't making snowBALLS!!!

You can see the story and picture at:

http://www.ohio.com/mld/ohio/news/5238761.htm

Posted on Sat, Feb. 22, 2003

Kent police field complaint about busty snow woman
Artistic housewife feared she would be arrested
By Carol Biliczky
Beacon Journal staff writer

AP

Crystal Lynn of Kent, Ohio, poses Thursday, Feb. 20, 2003, in front
of a snow woman she made. After receiving an anonymous call of
an "inappropriate snow figure," Lynn was told by a Kent police
officer to remove the breast of the snow woman or face possible
disorderly conduct charges. Lynn decided to cover the breast of her
snow woman with a cloth, a decision that satisfied the police
officer.

Crystal Lynn went for realism when she built her snow woman -- celery
for the eyes, a carrot for the nose and two blobs of snow for the
breasts.

The last turned out to be a no-no, as someone complained to Kent
police about what he called an indecent snow figure.

And a police officer showed up at her apartment door minutes after
she completed her work.

``He said that I should cut off her breasts, but I said no woman
wants that,'' Lynn, 35, said.

She didn't want to knock down the snow woman. And the figure was too
busty to be covered by a shirt. So Lynn opted to drape a ruffled
maroon tablecloth around her shoulders.

``She looked really good, like she was getting ready to go to a
party,'' she said.

Kent Capt. James Goodlet said the incident began at 7:30 p.m.
Wednesday with an anonymous call from a man about the ``inappropriate
snow figure'' on First Avenue.

Goodlet said the officer didn't demand that Lynn alter her artwork,
but she left the conversation thinking she would be arrested for
disorderly conduct if she didn't comply.

``We would have had to have someone file a complaint,'' Goodlet said.
``We wouldn't have charged at that. We were treating it almost as a
neighborhood domestic situation.''

He said the dispatcher considered the call to be serious -- not a
prank call.

But Lynn was flabbergasted.

``I didn't think there was anything inappropriate about it,'' said
the self-described housewife. ``I just wanted to play in the snow.''

She said she called the police after the officer left. When she
realized the officer was just passing on a caller's complaint, she
took matters into her own hands, stripping the tablecloth off the
snow woman so that she could be exposed in all her glory.

Goodlet said this may be the first time he's fielded a complaint
about an indecent snow figure in his 26 years of police work. ``They
aren't one of our higher priorities,'' he said.

Lynn said she was insulted by the whole mess.

``It's just snow,'' she said.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Welcome, Nude Every Day! Great post. So you are from Ohio? Oh good, another one! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Check out some of the other posters here, they too are from OH. Gamblefish and Suntied, just to name a couple. (oops, sorry they are not really a couple) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Hope to see you post more. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

06-05-2003, 05:00 PM

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name.

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Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the police stopped his truck.

Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her boyfriend's 1993 Chevy truck early Saturday--she was vomiting--when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36, kept driving.

Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several miles later--its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told police he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was sick.

"Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had killed her."

Prometheus

06-05-2003, 07:25 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Rooster:
1,786.12 USD at today's rate. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Argh, my bad. I think I was remembering the conversion rate for the Franc, which is (was) worth around 16-20 US cents.

Now where was the link to that story about the Norwegian moose that charged off the edge of a cliff and landed on a passing car?

06-05-2003, 09:19 PM

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died...of exposure!

missouriboy

06-06-2003, 08:44 AM

I read somewhere about a hospital that had employed a young Peruvian woman named Pikabo at the reception desk of their Intensive Care Unit, and had to reassign her because when she'd answer the phone it always came out as, "Peekaboo, ICU." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

06-06-2003, 09:07 AM

Msb... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Very good ...My wifes an NICU nurse We both got a good laugh. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-06-2003, 09:13 AM

I just told my wife shell have to answer the phone at work ..Hi! Molly NICU...Do you see me too...Ha Ha Ha /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Ned

06-06-2003, 04:27 PM

Not news articles, but, they still carry the sweet smell of DUH!

Actual Consumer Warnings And Instructions

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Child-Sized Superman Costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Tesco's Tirimisu Desert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box).

Little Ones Baby Lotion:
Keep away from children

Komatsu Floodlight:
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Unknown Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flammable

Unknown Earplugs:
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in
windpipe

Unknown Mattress Warning:
Do not attempt to swallow

Harry Potter Toy Broom:
This broom does not actually fly.

06-06-2003, 07:43 PM

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. "You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

missouriboy

06-07-2003, 05:25 AM

ODB -- glad you and the missus liked it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Call the lawyer! Sue!
(A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. It is a bean.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-08-2003, 05:37 AM

Wesley Fitzpatrick was granted a temporary restraining order against a female who he said was stalking him (making him "scared, depressed and in fear for my freedom"). However, the order in Kansas City, Kan., was rescinded when it was learned that the "stalker" was actually his parole officer carrying out her lawful supervision.
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Eduardo Rivera, 43, in a Reading, Pa., court awaiting a hearing on a charge of receiving stolen property, was rearrested after he carved his name into a courtroom bench.
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David Joe White Jr., 32, having just pleaded guilty to 42 burglary charges in Attalla, Ala., was rearrested after swiping his lawyer's portable tape recorder from the defence table.
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Chan Kwok-keung, 34, was sentenced to four months in a Hong Kong jail for stealing a court interpreter's purse; he was in the courtroom at the time on theft charges but had just been cleared.

06-08-2003, 09:14 AM

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now, sit down at that table and write, 'I will not pass through a red light' 500 times."

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

fred950

06-10-2003, 08:41 AM

A man in San Antonio,TX went to bed after having a little (?) to much to drink. He awoke with a start to discover a snake in bed with him. He reached for his trusty gun, aimed carefully, squeezed the trigger, and promply blew his manhood off.

06-10-2003, 01:37 PM

Ouch!! That had to hurt! When I was in the Air Force and went to the infirmary because of a sickness, I was told about a man who came in for a penis related injury. It seems his wife got a little rambunctious and "broke" it. He was in agony! This is a true story.

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An elderly couple is watching one of those TV preachers one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you, and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the TV and her other hand on her stomach. Her husband approaches the TV, places one hand on the TV and the other on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

06-13-2003, 09:24 PM

Police Blotters:
Mount Olivet Road N.E., 1200 block, March 30. An animal control officer responding to a call about a snake in the bathroom reported that the snake was actually a hair band.
(Maybe it was a scrunchy wrapped baton?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

A Vancouver police officer was sent to a home in the 3100 block of S Street when a woman called 911 to say a group of 30 cannibals from Yacolt were trying to break into her house. Officers were unable to locate any cannibals.
(I wonder if they found any cannibis?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

In Grass Valley CA. a Dorsey Drive canvalescent facility reported that one Alzheimer's patient struck another Alzheimer's patient, but neither of them remembered the incident or wanted medical attention. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

06-13-2003, 10:20 PM

According to police in Junction City, Kan, David Bell, 30, just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole another car to get home.

----------------

William B. Singleton, 24, just released from jail in Belton, MO, on a larceny charge, allegedly broke into a vending machine in the lobby of the police station and stole a 60-cent Strawberry Twisteroo while he waited for his ride to arrive.

----------------

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West Lafayette, Ind, on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly cashed checks he had written with disappearing ink, apparently believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said Pyrcioch would have had a better chance of getting away with it if he had not used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.

06-17-2003, 08:07 PM

Hey all, wasn't sure exactly where to post this but thought it was just to good to keep to myself.

The Bill Of Non-Rights:

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President.

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of Non-Rights.

Article I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

Article II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone--not just you. You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

Article III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

Article IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

Article V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

Article VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

Artical VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of othere citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

Article VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we wxpect you to take advantage of opportunities and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

Article IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Article X: This is and English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from.

(Lastly)

Article XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish.

Jochanaan

06-17-2003, 08:55 PM

What a great bunch of common sense! Unfortunately, in the last article, the author commits the very error he's trying to "legislate" against. To wit:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Article XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is open to question. This country was founded on the belief in liberty for all persons. It may well be that belief in God and the Bible was an unspoken assumption, but our founders were very specific in not specifying ANY religion or belief as the nation's foundation.

(As many of you know, I am Christian myself, and believe firmly in God and His Son Jesus of Nazareth, the Anointed One. But I am a little troubled that this brother in Christ claims more Christian heritage for this country than is actually there.)

missouriboy

06-18-2003, 04:03 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
The Bill Of Non-Rights:

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks, hw, now I won't have to post the whole thing. I posted the Preamble and Article II here (http://www.clothesfree.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=10;t=000103) a while back. My copy was attributed to a different source, though. Cheers!

06-20-2003, 02:47 PM

In April, students at the all-women's Smith College (Northhampton, Mass.) voted to replace all of the female pronouns in the student constitution with gender-neutral pronouns. Although males are not admitted to Smith, many students apparently believe that using "she" and "her" is inappropriate for students who were admitted as females but who later identify themselves as "transgendered." Dean Maureen Mahoney said a student admitted as a female but who later comes out as a male would still be welcomed at Smith.
*************************************************
Stephen Ray Carson, 29, in a standoff with police, said he wasn't giving up until he finished the crack cocaine he had just bought with the proceeds of a robbery. Police got him anyway (Panama City, Florida, January).
*************************************************
Motorist Christina L. Willis, 36, who was finally caught by police following a 30 minute chase after she hit an officer with her car, still refused to get out until she had finished her beer. (Fairfield, Ohio, January).
*************************************************
Motorist Troy C. Stephani, 32, trying to elude a police chase so that, he later said, he could finish his crack cocaine, took a wrong turn and accidently drove into the police station parking lot. (Medford,N.Y., April)
*************************************************
In February in Chichester, N.H., Thomas A. Barrett was fined $240 and given a six-month suspended sentance for his no-contest plea to creating a false fire alarm. Barrett told the judge that he was celebrating his 21st. birthday at Jillian's Bar & Grill, and as he staggered down the hallway to the men's room, he mistakenly urinated on the floor and pulled the fire alarm, which he thought was the toilet's flushing mechanism. (Have another one Tom!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
*************************************************
A 35-year-old man was uninjured but his Jaguar was mangled after he momentarily lost control at 70 miles mph on Interstate 15 near Pala, California, in January and drove underneath an 18-wheeler, with the car getting stuck under the axle and being dragged for a half-mile before another motorist signaled to the driver of the rig. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Suntied

06-20-2003, 05:52 PM

Last time I got pulled over by the police I said: "Hey, occcifffer... you look thirsty... waannnna beer?"

He asked me if I was drunk, and I said: "I'm not as thunk as you drink I am."

Good thing they have internet access in prison, or I wouldn't be able to share this story with you. I get out in 5674 days... then who will I talk to? Please send a cake! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Disclaimer:
(This was a joke and is entirely untrue. The purpose of this statement was intended to make you laugh... hope it worked)

/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Captain Boxer Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Jochanaan

06-20-2003, 07:41 PM

You mean you weren't skunk as a drunk? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-20-2003, 09:26 PM

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

--------------

When the judge called the case of People vs. Steven L. Crook, the bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

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MOSCOW, RUSSIA--A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife....

It didn't and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.

--------------

Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in Minneapolis with third degree murder in the death of his cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semi-automatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver.

06-21-2003, 09:56 PM

The school board that governs Lombardy, Ontario, acceded to the request of an offended parent in February and removed the word "gun" from a primary school spelling test list. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
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The head teacher at the Park Road nursery school in West Yorkshire, England, issued instructions that "The Three Little Pigs" and other stories featuring pigs not be used, in order not to offend Muslims. (The Muslim Council of Britain immediatly denounced the decision, and the instructions were rescended.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

06-22-2003, 10:03 PM

On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop.

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

Apparently you don't need brains to be a criminal, but it sure would help! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

06-29-2003, 03:51 PM

The CIA convened an open panel of scientists in January to discuss potential terrorist uses of life-science research, and the panel concluded that, despite the risks, openness in scientific study was absolutlely crucial; in April, the CIA supressed the panel's conclusions as classified.
*************************************************
In March, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia accepted an award by the Cleveland City Club for his contributions to freedom of speech, which Scalia said he would be glad to accept at the club's meeting provided no television or radio coverage was allowed.
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06-29-2003, 07:11 PM

A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, pulled a Hefty bag over his head--and then realized he had forgotten to cut eyeholes in the bag.

------------------

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a check--a forged check! He got ten years.

-------------------

England: A German "tourist", supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist doesn't know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backwards! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in his golf bag.

fred950

07-02-2003, 07:00 PM

England...In a court filing in May opposing early release for farmer Tony Martin, who had been convicted of killing a burglar,Britian's Home Office argued against parole, maintaining that the government must protect burglars from violent home owners.

07-02-2003, 10:20 PM

I once read about a man who was breaking into a warehouse through a skylight. The skylight was damaged, and he fell and was injured.

He sued the owner for $250,000 and won!

Trailscout

07-03-2003, 05:37 AM

The answer to this problem is so simple, I don't see why anyone has yet to suggest it:

Make burglary a crime punishable by imprisonment.

If stupidity were a crime, there would be a lot of judges in jail.

07-03-2003, 08:26 PM

Unfortunately, too many people have more sympathy for the criminals than they do for their victims. I had a miserable childhood (I'm only saying this to make a point, not to get anyone's sympathy). I was physically, sexually, verbally and phychologically abused. Perhaps, instead of turning to the Lord for my help, I should have become a criminal and used my childhood as an excuse. I'm sure people would have felt sorry for me and said some stupid thing like, "He couldn't help it because he was abused."

-------------------

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

-------------------

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

07-04-2003, 03:21 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Unfortunately, too many people have more sympathy for the criminals than they do for their victims. I had a miserable childhood (I'm only saying this to make a point, not to get anyone's sympathy). I was physically, sexually, verbally and phychologically abused. Perhaps, instead of turning to the Lord for my help, I should have become a criminal and used my childhood as an excuse. I'm sure people would have felt sorry for me and said some stupid thing like, "He couldn't help it because he was abused." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well said Jon-Marc...very well said!!!!!!

missouriboy

07-08-2003, 07:20 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
If stupidity were a crime, there would be a lot of judges in jail. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is true, but those excessive and inappropriate awards are usually given by juries.
___________________________________________
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
"Your Honor."

08-18-2003, 07:03 PM

Truth is Stranger than Fiction
>> > > ===============================
>> > >
>> > > I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
>> > > at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very
>> > > upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
>> > > I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
>> > > would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
>> > > She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
>> > > mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
>> > > order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
>> > > daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
>> > >
>> > > ********************
>> > >
>> > > Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field
>> > > decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
>> > > successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they
>> > > took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a
>> > > Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that
>> > > the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
>> > > activated when the raft is inflated.
>> > > They are no longer employed there.
>> > >
>> > > ******************
>> > >
>> > > A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
>> > > downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
>> > > iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing
>> > > in line waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
>> > > worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
>> > > the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
>> > > Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
>> > > waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
>> > > Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling
>> > > errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
>> > > him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
>> > > written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
>> > > either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
>> > > Bank of America.
>> > > Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. The
>> > > Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a
>> > > few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
>> > > America.
>> > >
>> > > *********************
>> > >
>> > > Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
>> > > in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
>> > > warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
>> > > because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
>> > > "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the
>> > > same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
>> > > could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the
>> > > pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to
>> > > compose himself.
>> > >
>> > > *********************
>> > >
>> > > Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial in a district court
>> > > for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his
>> > > lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton,
>> > > 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store
>> > > manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up,
>> > > accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown
>> > > your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
>> > > added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
>> > > minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
>> > >
>> > > *********************
>> > >
>> > > R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
>> > > showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
>> > > Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
>> > > officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his
>> > > drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments
>> > > later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen
>> > > showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in
>> > > St. Louis, Missouri.
>> > >
>> > > *********************
>> > >
>> > > A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
>> > > demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
>> > > put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
>> > > wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
>> > > put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I
>> > > don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
>> > > clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
>> > > him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of
>> > > his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
>> > > and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the
>> > > scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
>> > > loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
>> > > and address of the robber that he got off the license.
>> > > They arrested the robber two hours later.
>> > >
>> > > *********************
>> > >
>> > > A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
>> > > waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
>> > > When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Jochanaan

08-19-2003, 11:36 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
The newspaper has stopped running the ad, since selling organs is illegal in Florida. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So what do Florida churches do when their old pipe organs break down?

Jochanaan

08-19-2003, 11:55 AM

BTW, did you know that "Weird" used to mean "Destiny"?

shãybare

08-19-2003, 12:13 PM

Destiny? Now that's weird.

08-21-2003, 11:53 AM

Sharpen your tools and brighten your crayons folks.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who
tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.
Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven
minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until
1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their
dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father,
who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled
the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name
of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and
address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the
back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by
wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first
into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively
identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the
Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and,
thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit
the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams,
where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport robber, while trying
to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the
head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts,
who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still
unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the
keys locked inside.