Here's one for you

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

On my way up the sidewalk to the house of a girl I was taking out for the first time, I felt my stomach cramping.

I knew it was very imminent that I would have to take a dump very soon. I rang the doorbell, said hello, and went through the introductions with her parents and so-forth. I resisted as long as I could, but I knew I had to go before leaving with their daughter on the date.

I asked to use the restroom, and was directed down the hall. I went in and took a dump. Well, when I flushed--you guessed it--the toilet began overflowing faster than I could find a solution.

With water and lots of crap flowing out of the toilet, all over the bathroom floor, and heading towards the door, I ran from the bathroom. I sped to the living room where my date and her parents were waiting.

I was in obvious panic yelling "the toilet's overflowing, what do I do?" At that point the father rushed to the bathroom, with Mom, date, and me following. Her dad ran into the bathroom and slipped off his feet onto the floor covered with water and quite a bit of my crap.

When he got up, he had a log stuck to his back. Believe it or not, I still took their daughter out that night (without sticking around to help clean), and we ended up dating fo six years. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

The DJ on radio WZZO in Allentown, PA was discussing David Hasselhoff, since there was some news item about him. He went on to say he liked the show "Knight Rider" much better than "Baywatch". He said that Knight Rider was more realistic, since he could more easily believe that there was a talking car than that Pamela Anderson could form coherent sentences on her own.

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A classic Newlywed Game question:

"From YOUR bedroom window, does the sun rise in the North, South, East or West?"

Most of them got it wrong.

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Recently I answered the phone and it was a sales person from a long distance company. They asked for my late father by name.

"I'm sorry," I answered, "but he's dead."

Their reply, "May I leave a number in case the situation changes?"

[chuckie30]

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows '98. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."

Supposedly these are true stories:

My embarassing moment happened when I was a junior in high school. I had to act out a skit during a schoolwide rally. I was a Roman person, wearing a realistic toga, when I noticed my black panty line was showing through my sheet.

So I took them and my bra off and walked out into the gym. The noise in the gym immediately stopped, and everyone was staring at me. Then I felt a breeze around my stomach and legs, so I looked down. I was standing there completely nude! I had forgotten to properly tie my toga in the back, and it fell off!

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Once when I was out hiking in the woods with my family, I desperately needed to pee.

There were no toilets handy, so I wandered off the track a little way to select a suitable spot. I soon found a handy little spot, at the edge of a steep bank with a conveniently located handrail.

So I pulled my shorts and panties down to my ankles and squatted down, extending my bottom over the edge of the walk so I would not wet my shorts, and proceeded to pee, facing the area where I knew my family to be.

To my horror, as I was midstream, I heard a loud cheer behind me and turned slightly to see that a crowd of young men were observing me from the bottom of the bank. The worst thing was that I couldn't stop and had to continue in that pose for about 30 seconds (which seemed like ten minutes) until I had finished.

All I could do then was to stand up, take a bow and make a speedy exit. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[CalgaryMark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
Recently I answered the phone and it was a sales person from a long distance company. They asked for my late father by name.

"I'm sorry," I answered, "but he's dead."

Their reply, "May I leave a number in case the situation changes?" [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks for that one Jon-Marc - you reminded me of an event about a year after my late wife died. I received a letter addressed to her, a solicitation by our bank inviting her to take out a life insurance policy, and (duh!) no medical required! As her executor, I was tempted to take out the policy, but I replied to the president of the bank, enclosing a copy of the death certificate, suggesting they might want to be more careful about their policies (I am a customer of the same bank and it is MY money they would be using to pay out on my claim on my late wife's behalf. . .)

Eventually I received an apology, saying they had accidentally used an old mailing list - very old; my wife had been dead for well over a year by then! But they did reply. . .

CalgaryMark.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[David77]

My wife died over two years ago. One time when one of those telemarketers called and ask if they could talk with my wife, In exasperation, I replied, "Yes, if you can communicate with the dead, you can go to grave number --- in cemetary ----".

[stevenf64]

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. On one particular day they caught over 50 fish. One blonde turned to her friend and said, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow."

The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the first blonde said, "You did mark the spot, right?"

Her friend replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Robert Carrothers]

Did you hear about the three women in the gynacologists office? One was a brunette, One a redhead, and the other was a blond. the brunette said she was going to have a girl because she was on top. the redhead, said she was going to have a boy because she was on bottom. The blond started crying. Why are you crying the other two girls ask. The blond sobbed that "I am going to have puppies"