View Full Version : Here's one for you
dede46
03-24-2003, 12:31 PM
No offense. I am a blond. lol Just though it was cute.
A blond was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos.... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked."
Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and some coffee"!!
EricNY
03-24-2003, 12:43 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHA! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
that's a good one DeDE, just when I thought I had heard ALL the blonde jokes. It just never ends /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
Keep 'em coming
hahaha popsicles and coffee hahahaha geeez /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
03-24-2003, 03:06 PM
Blonde jokes, huh?
OK...here goes...
A blonde is driving her new sports car and it begins to hail. When the storm passes, the blonde gets out to inspect her car and notices tiny dings all over it. Distressed, she takes it to the repair shop. The mechanic, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun with her. He tells her "Well, I could fix it for you, but it's gonna cost you alot of money. Or, I could tell you how to fix it yourself." The blonde asks how. The mechanic says, "Take the car home, let it sit for about an hour, then, when the tailpipe is cooled off, put your lips around it and blow as hard as you can, and the dings will all pop out." So the blonde drives home, and waits an hour, and goes out and starts blowing on the tailpipe. Just then, her blonde roommate comes home and asks her what she's doing. She explains, and the roommate says "You idiot...you have to roll the windows up first!"
EricNY
03-24-2003, 03:27 PM
Gamblefish:
Whats so funny about that? Everybody knows that you have to roll the windows up first. You didn't know that?
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Suntied
03-25-2003, 06:48 AM
HAHAHAHAHA... OH WAIT... I',M ALMOST BLOND. Good thing I've never been in a hail storm.
I love blonde jokes. The one about the thermos was hilarious. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Cookie Monster
03-25-2003, 09:04 AM
So its pick on the Blondes day:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
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A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
nudist_in_Tn
03-25-2003, 09:31 AM
Q--What do you call a dead blonde in a closet ?
A--The 1995 hide and seek champion /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
dede46
03-25-2003, 11:53 AM
Those were great Cookie Monster. LOL Keep them coming!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
03-25-2003, 02:12 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cookie Monster:
So its pick on the Blondes day:
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>A man locked himself out of his car and had to call a locksmith. When the smithy appeared, you guessed it, she was a blonde. As she began her work, he walked off to seek a restroom.
When he returned, she was diligently working on the driver-side door, so he absent-mindedly tried the passenger-side door, and IT OPENED!
Surprised, he said, "Look! This side isn't locked!"
She continued working and replied, "I know. I already got that side."
krcNY
03-25-2003, 05:54 PM
A Brunette and a Blonde are walking along in the park.
The Brunette says suddenly "AWWWW, look at the dead birdie"
The Blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
EricNY
03-26-2003, 12:37 AM
Sorry Honey, I love you but that was baaaad /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
krcNY
03-26-2003, 06:32 AM
I told you I wasn't good with jokes.
Here!
Maybe this is better.......
Why don't Blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their head stuck in the jar.
It's OK ercNy, I love you anyway! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
Two thumbs up for this site. It is good to know we can all laugh together.
Did you hear about the new paint color? It's called blonde.....It's not too bright, but spreads easily.
nuDDe
Kenny G
03-26-2003, 02:39 PM
O.K.... I just can't resist...
Did ya hear about the two blondes that walked into the building?.......
You'd think one of them would have seen it!
What do you call the blonde that dyed her hair brown?.......
Artificial intelligence!
O.K. that's my two cents worth, Have a great day!
Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! It's starting to rain, and the top is down!
---------------
Blonde: "Excuse me, what is the time?"
Woman: "It's 11:25PM."
Blonde: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing. I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
---------------
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sigh saying "Disney World Left".
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
Suntied
03-26-2003, 09:15 PM
Disney left... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAH... Good one!!!!
I thought you said you couldn't joke?
nudeM
03-26-2003, 09:46 PM
A blonde went to the Doctor. and says, "Doctor, I'd like to have a face lift." The Doctor says, " We have a new procedure where we put a knob in the back of your head. Your hair will cover it, and the best part is if you see a wrinkle all you have to do is turn the knob just a little and the wrinkles will disappear."
"Ok", says the blonde, and she has the work done.
Six months pass and the blonde goes back to the Doctor for a checkup. "How do you like the device I put on the back of your head?", the Dr. asks.
"Well", says the blonde, I have two problems with it. "First of all, look at these bags under my eyes. No matter how much I turn the knob, I still have these bags under my eyes."
The Dr. examines her and says, "I hate to tell you this, but those aren't bags under your eyes, they're your breasts"!
"Well", exclaims the blonde, "that explains the GOATEE"!!!!!!
Mrs. nudeM
I searched for "Blonde jokes", and I've got a lot of them. Here are some more.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. He advised her to run 10 miles each day for 30 days. this, he promised, would help her lose as many as 20 pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and after 30 days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effevtive results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"
------------------
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first sai, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette.
The third blonde ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man.
------------------
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a cornfield in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Suntied
03-26-2003, 10:50 PM
Jon-Marc is... ah I say is... a comedian! Missed all the ugly branches too! (Fog Horn Leghorn quote)
BAGNABIT!!!
(hee,hee, ha, ha... haaa, hhhaaaahahahahaah)
Berky
03-27-2003, 12:45 AM
Oh boy thought I have heard them all. These where great ones. I said I said great ones.
Here are some more.
A Blonde quickly went out to her mailbox, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor who was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into the mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
---------------
A blonce, out of money and down on her luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground." Then she signed it, "A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent her home to show to her parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked into the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
fred950
03-27-2003, 04:54 PM
A Swedish blond was going through customs, and the customs agent asked "Do you have any pornographic materials in your possesion?" "oh no Sir" came the reply. "I dont even own a pornograth."
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into a taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
TXK NUDE
03-27-2003, 07:28 PM
In America they say, "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where you kids are?"
In the former Soviet Union they used to say, "It's 10 o'clock, we know where you are."
In Italy they say, "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your husband is?"
In France, "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your wife is?"
In Israel, "It's 10 o'clock, but for you 9:45."
In Hollywood (blond capitol of the world), "It's 10 o'clock, do you know what time it is?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
wannabenaked2001
03-27-2003, 08:20 PM
> > AUTO REPAIR
> >
> > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
> > She tells the mechanic itdied.
> > After he works on it for a few minutes,
> > it is idling smoothly.
> >
> > She says, "What's the story?"
> >
> > He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> >
> >
> > She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> >
> > ----------------------------------------------
> >
> > SPEEDING TICKET
> >
> > A police officer stops a blonde
> > for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> > he could see her license.
> >
> > She replied in a huff,
> > "I wish you guys would get your act together.
> >
> > Just yesterday you take away my license
> > and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
> >
> > ------------------------------------------------
> >
> > EXPOSURE
> >
> > A blonde is walking down the street
> > with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
> > A policeman approaches her and says,
> > "Ma'am, are you aware
> > that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
> >
> > She says, "Why, officer?"
> >
> > "Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
> >
> > She looks down and says,
> >
> > "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------
> >
> > RIVER WALK
> >
> > There's this blonde out for a walk.
> > She comes to a river
> > and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
> >
> > "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
> > "How can I get to the other side?"
> >
> > The second blonde looks up the river
> > then down the river and shouts back,
> > "You ARE on the other side."
> > ------------------------------------
> >
> > KNITTING
> >
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside
> > a speeding car on the freeway.
> > Glancing at the car,
> > he was astounded to see that the blonde
> > behind the wheel was knitting!
> >
> > Realizing that she was oblivious
> > to his flashing lights and siren,
> > the trooper cranked down his window,
> > turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
> > "PULL OVER!"
> >
> > "NO!" the blonde yelled back,
> > "IT'S A SCARF!"
> > ---------------------------------
> >
> > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> >
> >
> > A Russian, an American,
> > and a Blonde were talking one day.
> > The Russian said,
> > 'We were the first in space!"
> >
> > The American said,
> > "We were the first on the moon!"
> >
> > The Blonde said,
> > "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
> >
> > The Russian and the American
> > looked at each other and shook their heads.
> >
> > "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
> > You'll burn up!"
> > said the Russian.
> >
> > To which the Blonde replied,
> > "We're not stupid, you know.
> > We're going at night!"
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------
> >
> > IN A VACUUM
> >
> > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
> > It was her turn.
> > She rolled the dice
> > and she landed on Science & Nature.
> >
> > Her question was,
> > "If you are in a vacuum
> > and someone calls your name,
> > can you hear it?"
> >
> > She thought for a time
> > and then asked,
> > "Is it on ! or off?"
> >
> > ---------------------------------
> >
> > FINAL EXAM
> >
> > The blonde reported
> > for her university final examination
> > that consists of yes/no type questions.
> > She takes her seat in the examination hall,
> > stares at the question paper for five minutes
> > and then, in a fit of inspiration,
> > takes out her purse,
> > removes a coin and starts tossing it,
> > marking the answer sheet:
> > Yes, for Heads,
> > and No, for Tails.
> >
> > Within half an hour she is all done,
> > whereas the rest of the class is
> > still sweating it out.
> > During the last few minutes
> > she is seen desperately
> > throwing the coin,
> > muttering and sweating.
> > The moderator, alarmed,
> > approaches her and asks what is going on.
> >
> > "I finished the exam in half an hour,
> > but now I'm rechecking my answers."
> > (Loose change for brains maybe???)
wannabenaked2001
03-27-2003, 08:25 PM
WOMEN'S SIZE STUDY!
There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their *sses.
I thought the results were pretty interesting. 85%
of women think their *ss is too big... 10% of women
think their *ss is
too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him
and would have
married him anyway.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the US. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals. I know them all.
A red head said, "OK, what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy,"W".
-----------------
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper and give it to her.
Hey guys, theses jokes are great. Does anyone have any non-blonde jokes they can share? Keep up the good work.
nuDDe /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
CalgaryMark
03-28-2003, 10:10 AM
Good one, NuDDe - change the word 'blonde' to - well, you choose!
All of the non-blonde jokes I looked at weren't funny--at least not to me. I'll try to find some on the Internet. There are tons of free jokes out there. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Naturist Mark
03-28-2003, 05:18 PM
Cruise
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign
in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and
says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room,
ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the
back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes
her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the
sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and
asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner
tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually
catches up with the first blonde. They float side by
side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do
they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."
OK, nuDDe, you asked for it. Here are some non-blonde jokes. Hope you like them.
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
----------------
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any alligators around her?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
---------------
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Thanks Jon-Marc. I knew with all the comedians on this site someone would come up with something different. KEEP IT UP! The good jokes I mean!
nuDDe /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
------------------
Here's another blonde one:
One day, a blonde walked into a bar. The bartender asked her what her drink would be and she told him. She then asked him to turn the 6 o'clock news on. Doing so, the news showed a man on the golden gate bridge threatening to jump. The redhead next to her also watching, offered a bet to the blonde that the man would eventually jump. The blonde jumped at the opportunity and said a definite yes. About 7 minutes later the man plunged to his death. The redhead was claiming her $50 prize when she confessed "I can't accept this. I saw this story at 12 o'clock. I knew what would happen." The blonde replied "Yes you can. I saw the same story at 12, but I thought he had learned his lesson this time!"
-----------------
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
OK This may not be very nice at this time, but...
How do the Iraqi people play bingo???
B-52
F-18.*******
A patient goes to his shrink covered in cellophane. The Dr. says, "I used to think you were crazy, but now I can clearly see your NUTS"!
Have a great week end.
nuDDe /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q:Why did the blonde carry a coat hanger in her back seat?
A:In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blode get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A: Because on the box it said From 204 years.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A:Because she wanted to know how to cook foodstamps.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the earth!
One non-blonde one:
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son.I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother replied.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
Frank R
03-29-2003, 04:41 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says ,"Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he'd like to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks the frog his name and he says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is okay because he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything for collateral. The frog says "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:"There is a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he has this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this???" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"
Frank R
03-29-2003, 04:44 PM
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $50,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
Frank R
03-29-2003, 04:48 PM
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year?s later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins ? if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
12. A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle. "We must get help," said the king. "I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once." "Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man." "No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
13. A guy goes to his doctor with an unusual problem. The doctor asks the guy to explain the problem in detail. The guy explains: "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."
14. One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all: hawk, lion, and stinker.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
-----------------
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would be.
"$10 for three minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for three minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free, but if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
NoodJuggler
03-29-2003, 08:28 PM
Hello all, this is Mrs. Keithmj. I'm a brunette with blonde roots /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif so I couldn't resist adding a few blonde jokes:
Did you hear about the blonde who took the Pepsi challenge...and chose JIF?
Did you hear about the blonde who got fired from the M&M factory?...She kept throwing out all the W's.
How do you make a blonde's eye's sparkle?...Shine a flashlight in her ear.
A young brunette goes into the doctor. She tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
And finally:
Why are most blonde jokes short?...So a brunette can remember them! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Peace out! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif -- Ajay
missouriboy
03-30-2003, 06:11 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nuDDe:
OK This may not be very nice at this time, but...
How do the Iraqi people play bingo???
B-52
F-18.******* <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Q. How does an Iraqi mark his passage from childhood to manhood?
A. He moves his diaper from his butt to his head.
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service."
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
NoodJuggler
03-30-2003, 09:27 AM
Jon-Marc...Well, was it the morning service or the evening service? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I enjoyed that one.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
TXK NUDE
03-30-2003, 05:22 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service."
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm forwarding this one to my pastor! He'll love it!
Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a thought.
Q: Why do blondes work 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
I've been reading these jokes and am quite impressed. Nothing compares to NUDE RUNS! That was very funny. Now here's my little contribution.*********************************
A woman got on an airplane and sat next to a man. She took out a tissue, rubbed her nose, sneezed, then shook all over. She continued this for quite some time so the man says, "Lady, are you all right"?
The lady replied, "I suffer from a disease that makes me climax every time I sneeze".
"I've never heard of /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif that disease before, what do you take for it"? the man asked.
She replied, "PEPPER".
A blonde was overweight, and her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the precedure for two weeks. the next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
------------------
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she had driven eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
wannabenaked2001
04-01-2003, 04:16 AM
This one is not a blond joke, but beware, it's really sick! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
DON'T FART IN BED
>
> This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip
them out.
> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and
> he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put the
> turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her
husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood
curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the
bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had
got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came
downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his
face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't
listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his
> wife."Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and
> today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and these
> two fingers, I think I got most of them back in . . .
Oh!Oh! Oh!OOOOOOH!!!!So baaaaaad....!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I don't think I can top that one, but here goes.
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Jochanaan
04-01-2003, 11:57 AM
I swear some of those blond jokes are so sick they're yellow!
But at least they're better than blue jokes!
TXK NUDE
04-01-2003, 03:50 PM
gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EricNY
04-02-2003, 12:42 AM
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Snoboy
04-02-2003, 08:22 AM
ercNY, Finally something pleasant to read. That was great. Hope you have more stories to share. The subjects for the most part are getting to be so negative that I am about ready to just call it a day and not contribute any more. We should find things to say that lift individuals spirits; not put others down. I have found myself becoming negative as of late, and I don't like that in me and many of the things I read in the forum lately add fuel to that negative train of thought. I came to the Forum looking for encouragement among fellow nudists and that is what I received until recently. I am sorry if this offends the "public debaters" in the forum, but I like to read positive things. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
Snoboy... I agree! ..Hope you aren't blond... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Snoboy,
This section was started for the purpose of sharing jokes. So far that's all we've had in here. None of the jokes are meant to be serious or to be taken seriously. Anyone who has a problem with joking should stay out of this section. Personally, this is my favorite section because it ISN'T serious, and I get a good laugh nearly every time I come here. At this time we all need a good laugh.
If the blonde jokes are getting offensive to people, then there are plenty of other jokes out there. Most of them just not as funny.
EricNY
04-02-2003, 11:27 AM
Hi Jon-Marc, I beleive snoboy is referring to other topics, in other forums (war,fat,etc.)
gamblefish
04-02-2003, 01:08 PM
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
===================
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds. Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.
6. Flush toilet 3-4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far away from the toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
Sincerely, The Dog...
Gamblefish,
That was great!
ercNY, If that's so then I apologize for my "outburst". Since he put that here I assumed that he was complaining about the kind of jokes we're posting. It's a logical (I thought) assumption. Otherwise, I agree with him.
gamblefish
04-02-2003, 04:39 PM
Thanks Jon...do you have a cat? If so, let me know how it works...
No, Gamblefish, I don't have a cat. I prefer dogs, but I'm unfortunately allergic to them. I'm not allergic to cats, but I can take them or leave them; I'd just as soon leave them--in the pot until they're well cooked! Just kidding--I think. Life is so unfair; what I like I'm allergic to , and what I don't particularly care for I'm not allergic to. I don't dislike cats; I'm just not crazy about them.
Actually, I thought you were supposed to wash the cat in the washing machine and dry it in the microwave.
This is rather gross and not for the faint-hearted. I read a true story about a woman--probably a blonde-- who washed her little dog and put him in the microwave to dry him. I won't say what happened to the poor little dog, but I'm glad I didn't have to clean up THAT microwave.
TXK NUDE
04-02-2003, 06:59 PM
That unfortunately really did happen, she was an elderly woman, and it was back in the 70's when microwave techology was still fairly new to the average American home. She didn't understand that the microwave heats from the inside out!
Which, if that's true, why is the burrito I buy at the 7-11 still COLD in the middle when I nuke it? hmmmmmmmmm.
sailorman72
04-02-2003, 07:29 PM
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that, before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." "No!" said St. Peter, and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." "Noo!" said St. Peter, and he banished her to hell, too.
"I know what Easter is," said the third blonde. "So, tell me," said St. Peter. "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans nailed Him on the cross and and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
"Verrrrry good," said St. Peter.
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
The story about drying the cat in the micro reminded me of the story my neighbor told me about how he got rid of a gopher in his lawn, someone told him to pipe exhaust into the hole to flush it out.So he connected his lawnmower exhaust to a hose inserted it into one of the open gopher holes and started it. It wasn't long before the gopher came out all right... right under the lawnmower.It was a terrible mess to clean up... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
CalgaryMark
04-02-2003, 10:44 PM
It pays to bargain from a position of strength...
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS; Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid collision.
CANADIANS; Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS; This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
CANADIANS; No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS; This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you
change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.
CANADIANS; This is a lighthouse....your call.
(The hair colour of the captain and lighthouse keeper is not on the record).
Ponderings:
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
CalgaryMark
04-02-2003, 10:56 PM
"How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?"
Jon-Marc - back in the '70's, Volkswagen had an advertisement showing him arriving in a - you guessed it - VW beetle.
missouriboy
04-03-2003, 02:53 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gamblefish:
HOW TO BATHE A CAT <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>HOW TO SHAVE A CAT
Obtain a framed window screen at least three feet square, and hold it vertically next to the cat. Make a very loud noise to scare the cat so he'll jump hard, landing with all twenty claws deeply embedded into the screen wire. While he is busy trying to extricate his claws, you just lather him up and shave him!
TXK NUDE
04-03-2003, 02:54 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jon-Marc, don't forget drive-thru liquor stores! What's THAT all about? :-)
TXK Nude,
Now that's a good question. You drive in, buy your booze, and then get plastered on your way home, right?
One hot day I got in line behind a blonde at a soda machine. The blonde puts her money in the machine, makes a selection, gets her can of soda, puts more money in the machine, makes a selection, gets another can of soda. This goes on for quite some some. The blonde has filled her purse with soda, her pockets, and now has started lining the cans up on the sidewalk in front of her. The line behind me has grown to more than 20 people. Finally I tap the blonde on the shoulder and ask her, "What are you doing"?
Without stopping the blonde says,
"DUH, I'M WINNING".
hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
Snoboy
04-03-2003, 09:01 AM
I love the jokes. We need jokes. Sorry, you miss took what I said. As ercNY kindly said, I was referring to war and fat topics that are depressing and for the most part negative. Bravo, for having a topic that I enjoy visiting. I will share some good ones in the coming weeks. Keep the humor coming...we ALL need it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
CalgaryMark
04-03-2003, 09:24 AM
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
and my favourite -
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
wannabenaked2001
04-03-2003, 09:42 AM
The headlines had me laughing so hard I nearly lost conciousness. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Snoboy
04-03-2003, 10:25 AM
I hope this works...
http://home.nycap.rr.com/sawatt/Dog_Thoughts.html
Here are some announcements that actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will askk Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
EricNY
04-05-2003, 01:36 AM
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
nudeM
04-05-2003, 04:17 AM
This couple was working in the back yard, when the husband turned around and stated, "I've noticed you've gotten a little wider, while you were picking weeds in the garden." The wife stated, "oh, really?" The husband, "Yea, in fact, I think you are just about the same size as the barbeque." So, the husband goes and gets a tape measure, measures her and says, "Yep, you are exactly the same size as the grill." The wife, "It must come with age, just like the size of your ----. I grew, but you shrank."
They continued to work the rest of the day, had a nice dinner, and got ready for the evening. As the wife was getting into the bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He put his hands around her and said, "How about a little loving tonight, dear?" The wife turns around and says, "If you think I'm going to fire up this big grill, for that little wienie, you're mistaking!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
wannabenaked2001
04-05-2003, 02:51 PM
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the
> >call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
> >3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
> >while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was
> >asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
> >The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.
> >Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and
> >asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just
> >witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
> >in the first place. Smack him again."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
EricNY
04-05-2003, 09:05 PM
OHHHHHH wannabenaked..........hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahah....real good like that one!!!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
04-06-2003, 06:34 AM
http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/Notmyjob.jpg
TXK NUDE
04-06-2003, 02:49 PM
I'm guessing one of them was blonde?
gamblefish....that is just cruel and unusual PUNishment! ha ha ha You, suntied, and ercNY are my favorite jokesters! Maybe we should have a contest for you! Oh yeah, outdoorbare keeps me laughing too.
Have a nice nude evening
hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Kenny G
04-06-2003, 11:02 PM
O.K...How about this.....A man, walking on the beach in Florida, finds an old lamp washed up on shore. As he wipes the crud away, a puff of smoke, and a genie appears. Before the man can speak, the genie pipes up and says "Now I know what you're thinking, but I'm not one of them 'three wish' guys! With me you get one shot and thats it ,so make it count." after thinking awhile, the man says that he would like a bridge to go from Florida to Hawaii so he and his family could go there any time they wanted. The genie looked back at him and said "Are you nuts? With all the possible wishes you could have, this is the best you can come up with?" Again the man thinks and finally says "Then I would like the heart and mind to be able to understand women!" The genie then ponders his request, and then askes "Would you like that bridge two lanes or four?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 04:18 AM
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say::
Red..............Cherry
Yellow.........Lemon
Green..........Lime
Orange.......Orange
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste! "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father,".
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled
"Everybody! Spit them out! Spit them out!!! They're *** holes
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 04:20 AM
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the States."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth
and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."
gamblefish
04-07-2003, 06:22 AM
Big Jock met a gorgeous blonde at a bar one night. Well, as always, he performed as well as one would expect of an athlete in his condition.
After it was all said and done...the blonde whose name was Jeannie said "I am truly a Genie and you have satisfied me like no other. And for that I would like to grant you three wishes."
Big Jock couldn't believe his luck. He then said, "Well for my 1st wish, I would like to become the most famous Quarterback in history . For my 2nd wish, I'd like to be the most famous Goalie in history. And for my final wish, I would like to be History's most famous Pitcher."
Jeannie then said, "Well Big Boy, that's quite an order but I can do it. It'll take me a year or so, but all your wishes will come true."
In January, Big Jock was the 1st Quarterback to throw 11 consecutive touchdown passes leading his team to the biggest score and Super Bowl win in History.
In May, Jock was the 1st Goalie to post 15 consecutive shut-outs on his team's way to winning the Stanley Cup.
The Following October, his 3rd wish came true. Jock found himself turned into the Mona Lisa.
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:27 PM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the
Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule!!!
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:28 PM
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she
must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer
is always right!) > > The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to
how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old
lady challenged, "So, would you like to take > my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand."
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:30 PM
Message: I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed,
The Blonde
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:31 PM
Why Men Pee Standing Up
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.
"Brains," God said.
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:32 PM
DO NOT READ WITH A MOUTHFULL OF WATER OR SODA
Baked Beans Anyone?
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, when the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:34 PM
(not ratified in U.N. by U.S. that I know of yet)
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
what's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him,
"Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is
a roof for over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot,
are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:35 PM
Life Observations...
1. Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science
fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's
not going to happen".
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid
someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. The other night I ate at a really nice
family restaurant. Every table had an argument
going.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a
camcorder in the car these days no one talks about
seeing UFO's like they used to?
6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and
you lean back so you're just on two legs then you
lean too far and you almost fall over but at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all
the time.
7. According to a recent survey, men say that
the first thing they notice about a woman are their
eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice
about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing
again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you
two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save
you thirty cents?
11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus tax,
shipping and handling.
12. In the 60's people took acid to make the
world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take
Prozac to make it seem normal.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second
oldest profession. I have come to realize that it
bears a very close resemblance to the first.
14. There is a theory which states that if
ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is
for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states
that this has already happened.
15. How is it that one careless match can
start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a
month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I
wish you'd have come to me sooner."
17. You read about all these terrorists --
most of them came here legally, but they hung around
on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two
days late with a video and those people are all over
you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:36 PM
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the
Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a
token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a
small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable
of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean
energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One
leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking
it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading
the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she
can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where
your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether
you want to get married; only whether you believe that you
have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her
by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on
third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and
you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do
you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say
her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze
blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
asks you to get your three children ready for school.
Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the
place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised
Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:37 PM
Moment of Zen
Your Daily Moment of Zen (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our *** ... then
things get worse .
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:38 PM
Bits of Wisdom
***************************
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every
year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
**************************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you
stopped laughing.
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:39 PM
Neighborhood Watch in the War on Terror
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.
So, next Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
And, since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your
anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity.
God bless America!
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:40 PM
Life's experiences
"Kids, Pets and Wives"
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce", I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy."
"What!?" I exclaimed.
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears
were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - $10 ...
1 - Cage - $20 ...
Trip to the Vet - $30 ...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on a hamster's wacker........Priceless!
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:41 PM
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her
for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit! this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:42 PM
BLONDE FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:43 PM
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note....
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another
stevenf64
04-07-2003, 07:44 PM
So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
> > minutes and when I came out there was a @#$%&% motorcycle cop writing a
> > parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about
> > giving a girl a break?'
> >
> > He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
> >
> > So I called him a pencil necked nazi.
> >
> > He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald
tires!!
> >
> > So I called him a sheep shagging, horse humping Bozo.
> >
> > He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
> >
> > Then he started writing a third ticket!!
> >
> > This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more
tickets
> > he wrote.
> >
> > I really didn't give a crap but you should have seen his face
> > when I crossed the street, got into my car & drove away.
stevenf64...Loved your stories especially ,the one about the hampsters.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif MY 2daughters saw the two cutest bunnies at the Co Fair last June and had to have them.Initial cost wasnt too bad,But can you guess how much it cost to have a female bunny laser altered?,..Unbelievable...Then they can only have their cages lined with aspen liter Oh ..and they need a steady supply Of fresh vegies.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
Stevenf64......I loved that hamster story. Thank you. I'll never look at a hamster the same way again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
04-08-2003, 04:29 AM
Great posts, Steven.
BTW...don't ever take your hamsters to Australia...
wannabenaked2001
04-08-2003, 05:58 AM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting.
I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and
then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it
back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.
I think I'll just wait for the police...."
Gamblefish What's wrong with hampsters in Austrailia? Just wondering. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
sailorman72
04-08-2003, 08:26 PM
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
gamblefish
04-09-2003, 12:54 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Gamblefish What's wrong with hampsters in Austrailia? Just wondering. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Guess I'm not the only sloooooooooooow one today...check out this post and grab yer medication:
this post (http://www.clothesfree.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000128)
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
---------------
A normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: he hates UPS drivers.
While the dog was being walked one day, a UPS man came around the corner of a house.
Struggling to keep hold of the dog, the owner tried to ease the situation and said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed him anything else?" he responded.
OK Gamblefish....you da man. I had an appointment with Miss Clairol today and the only color she had was...blblblbl....black!! (Ha Ha just kidding nudeM) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif . Blonde was the only choice I had. I did try black once, but you'll have to ask nudeM his opinion on that one.
Some days my brain doesn't get in gear all day...actually I think the voices mess with the gears. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
Well, you know hm, reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it downright sucks. However, my life is improving considerably. Enjoy your voices; at least they keep you company.
------------------
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland, OH. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed, and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left."
An hour later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry, we have one engine left."
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."
gamblefish
04-09-2003, 04:08 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Well, you know hm, reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it downright sucks. However, my life is improving considerably. Enjoy your voices; at least they keep you company.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Reality is just for those who can't hear the voices...or choose to ignore them.
Gamblefish and Jon Marc
Thank you for the posts. Yes the voices do keep me company, along with gamblefishes' hamsters, or gerbils.
Good Day/Night /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
What is brown and bald, Gamblefish? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
gamblefish
04-11-2003, 07:09 PM
Uhhhhhh, Samuel L. Jackson? Isaac Hayes? My hamster?
Ok, here we go again...check out this post...
this post (http://www.clothesfree.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000271;p=2)
First and second posts, third from the left, right around the corner...just down the block.
Don't let the voices confuse you...let us do that.
stevenf64
04-11-2003, 07:26 PM
DONT Defense Attorney:
What is your age?
Little old Woman:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little old Woman:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little old Woman:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little old Woman:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little old Woman:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little old Woman:
Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little old Woman:
Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little old Woman:
Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the little bastard
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64
That was great.....April Fool. Keep on postin'. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
Q: Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a man who asks, "Where did you get taht?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
A blonde ordered a pizza, and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home.
A: She moved.
gamblefish
04-11-2003, 08:44 PM
Oh, Jon-Marc, you slay me!!
Did you know that 90% of all accidents happen because of children in the back seat?
And 90% of children happen because of accidents in the back seat... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
Oh Gamblefish you slay yourself...or is that play? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
gamblefish
04-12-2003, 04:18 AM
Oh, hw! That was a low blow...hey, wait a minute...I like low blows!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
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Our experienced Mom will take care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are just the tops. (I'm sure that would be very exciting on public beaches.)
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Illiterate? Write us for free help.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Jon-Marc, I want a modular sofa, where can I pick one up? Don't tell Gamblefish, he'll want one too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
I have no idea what a modular sofa is.
Jon-Marc, I know what they are, I just wanna know where I can pick one up. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Haven't seen any jokes in a while so here we go again. Theses are actual school excuse notes with the original spelling.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray from school Friday. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
GF, Suntied, did you see Jon'Marc's jokes? The last one was right up your.......just read for your self.
*************************************************
Jon-Marc, Did you miss ercNY's monkey jokes yesterday? Keep looking for'em (forum), they probably got filed in the wrong post again.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Oh yeah, good jokes JM /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Naturist Mark
04-14-2003, 07:23 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
GF, Suntied, did you see Jon'Marc's jokes? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Excuse me hw,
Didn't you read the name of the section: Off Topic Fun Stuff . Yet you go and make an On Topic post.
Bad!
Yes, I saw the monkey jokes but didn't understand them. Oh well, I'm retired now. That means my brain is retired too.
Here are some more school excuse notes.
1. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
2. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
3. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, ans when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
5. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
6. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
7. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
8. Plese excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
9. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
10. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
wannabenaked2001
04-14-2003, 08:53 PM
Pharmacist and Condoms
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
wannabenaked2001
04-14-2003, 08:55 PM
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."
"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."
wannabenaked2001
04-14-2003, 09:01 PM
I was a very happy guy.
My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encuraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.
So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say?
I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up to it, just come and get me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to go out the front door...
I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test.
We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned:
Always keep your condoms in your car, Not in your wallet.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
florida-david
04-14-2003, 09:05 PM
love that pharmacist and condom joke....
Two little boys go into a grocery store. One is nine, and the other is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." The cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The boy responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom or your sister--then who are they for?"
The boy says, "They're for my four-year-old brother." The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old brother?"
The boy explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike--and my little brother can't do either of those things."
naturistmark1.....just caught your last post on here.....Did I do it again? Did I get the right post on the right topic, or the wrong post on the right topic?...........Am I hijacking again, sorry didn't mean to. Maybe I'll have to fly out for awhile.......hope I don't meet any one named Jack on the plane. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
gamblefish
04-15-2003, 02:26 PM
Settle down, hw...
You got the right topic on the right post next to the left mailbox right around the corner...
Or is that the right post on the right topic which is all wrong because this is called "off topic", which in itself is confusing because we don't even know what the topic is, so how can we post off topic if there is no topic...owwwwww, now my brain hurts...
shãybare
04-15-2003, 02:56 PM
A brain? I didn't know you knew Dorothy. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Shaybare check out stuff that makes you go HMMMMM for the brain connection. Gambles fish has a catfish named ToTo, too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
stevenf64
04-16-2003, 08:18 PM
All drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is
ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
that it has settled on Mydixadud.
Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mycoxafailin, and Alimpdixafixit. And, of course, Ibepokin.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64....That was just too funny /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I hope we can get some more jokes topics on here. Have a great evening! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Here are some more questions and answers from the 16-year-old Arkansas scholars:
Q. What is a fibula?
A. A smal lie.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor.
Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you will be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q. What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A Nearby
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
CalgaryMark
04-16-2003, 09:54 PM
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor runs some
tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition
physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's
good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he
turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife
and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with
God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns
on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this
true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!''
missouriboy
04-17-2003, 06:54 AM
Jon-Marc, there were a bunch more like this concerning Sunday School topics. My favorite:
Baby Jesus was born because the Virgin Mary had an immaculate contraption!
Q.What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A. Kids don't eat broccoli!
Q.Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one has the best figure?
A. The blonde--she was 19.
Q. Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
A. It hurts to boil their nipples!
I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
It's hard to be downhearted,
When the sun shines out your bum!
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my dad says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"
A little boy runs across a man who has a truck load of cow manure, and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop. The man says, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."
The little boy looks up at the man and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries."
shãybare
04-17-2003, 09:46 AM
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
"How does a blind skydiver know when he's going to land?"
"The leash goes slack."
"Why do you seem so upset?"
"Because my wife introduced me to her psychaitrist this morning."
"So what?"
"So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You, know, one of the men I've been telling you about.' "
Childhood was a time when--
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
gamblefish
04-17-2003, 02:29 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
"How does a blind skydiver know when he's going to land?"
"The leash goes slack."
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man!! Now that's funny!!!!!
But only if it's a seeing-eye cat.
shãybare
04-17-2003, 03:21 PM
"Speaking of funny stories, do you have time for a couple of doozies?"
"Sure."
"Doozie! Doozie!"
"I sold my house last week."
"Are you happy with the price you got?"
" Yeah, but my landlord is really upset."
Girls, it's not hard to catch a husband. The trick is to catch a single fellow."
Forever Nude,
Shaybare
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
"Which one's Mommy?"
----------------
One Sunday morning, a litle girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says, "but I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the sick.'"
shãybare
04-17-2003, 08:09 PM
"Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunetts, redheads, all dancing in a row. . .
"Hold it , Fred. That doesn't sound so terrible."
"Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
"Dad, you ever wish for enough money to pay for everything you wanted?"
"Shoot, son, I just wish I had enough money to pay for what I already bought."
Forever Nude,
Shaybare
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of a proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:
1. Better to be safe than--punch a 5th grader
2. Strike while the--bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before--daylight savings time.
4. Never underestimate the power of--termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but--how?
6. Don't bite the hand that--looks dirty.
7. No news is--impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a--Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog--math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you--will stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust--me.
12. The pen is mightier than--the pigs.
13. An idle mind is--the best way to relax.
14. Where there is smoke, there's--pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who--gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is--not much.
17. Two is company, three's-- the Musketeers.
18. None are so blid as--Helen Keller.
19. Children should be seen and not--spanked or grounded.
20. If at first you don't succeed--get new batteries.
21. You get out of something what you--see pictured on the box.
22. When the blind lead the blind--get out of the way.
23. There's no fool like--Aunt Edie.
24. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and--you have to blow your nose.
Kenny G
04-17-2003, 11:55 PM
Hey Jon-Marc, I all ways heard it was "Where there's smoke....someboby's not sharing!"
missouriboy
04-18-2003, 03:51 AM
A little boy was contemplating a horsedrawn milkwagon parked at the curb. When the driver returned, he asked, "Hey Mister, is that your milkwagon?"
"Yep, sure is."
"Well, you better call a tow truck, because your horse just lost all its gasoline!"
A blonde gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replies, "Great--but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
-----------------
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute--"
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
------------------
There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff, but their rope could only bear the weight of five people.
The brunette said, "Save yourselves. I'll let go."
Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped.
shãybare
04-18-2003, 07:53 AM
Hear about the blonde that was in the mall when the power went off? She was stuck on the escalator for 45 minutes.
Forever Nude,
Shaybare
Real Advertisements:
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man. Honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $220 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
nude in wheelchair
04-19-2003, 07:19 PM
I like these jokes they are funny. Ok let see if this is funny to you all.
On e day a police officer came up to a boy with his dog and asked "Does your dog have a license" they boy replay "No officer" the officer said "Why not" Agian the boy says "Because he can't drive".
rainy city mike
04-19-2003, 07:42 PM
Two Bumper Stickers I saw today:
Do something for the Enviorment Plant Bush back in Texas.
Like Father, Like Son; ONE TERM
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breast stroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After about 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declard the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours later after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked her why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls were using their arms."
-----------------
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demand weren't met.
-----------------
It was so cold today that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
nudist_in_Tn
04-21-2003, 10:42 AM
Q_Why do somo wrestlers shave their legs ?
A_So people will know they are not lesbians /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to the librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took out phone book!"
------------------
How can you tell a blonde has been working at a computer?
There is white out all over the screen.
------------------
These are actual advertisements:
For Sale--Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special--Turkey $2.35; Chicken $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
It seems everyone's quit posting jokes, and personally I like the jokes the best. Here are a few.
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest condolences", and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."
------------------
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles then."
----------------
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Naturist Mark
05-05-2003, 06:21 PM
From the original Hollywood Squares TV show:
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
A man and a woman pass each other on the road, and the woman leans out the window, points and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes hios fist and shouts back, "WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
---------------
Q: What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
----------------
A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an iced Cappuccino.
The blonde asks, "Do you want that hot or cold?"
A little boy goes to a yard sale with his mother. As she was looking over the stuff that for sale, the little boy spied a box with five little puppies. He had wanted a puppy for so long..."Mom, can I please buy a puppy ?", the boy asked.
The mother replied,"Go ask that lady how much the puppies cost."
The little boy approached the lady and said, "Excuse me lady, how much do the puppies cost?"
The lady turned and smiled at the little boy and said, "The puppies are 5 dollars apiece."
The worried little boy then asked, "Well how much for a whole one?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
A guy named Aaron was laying down carpet in a woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. He looked around and discovered his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid the carpet over the pack without noticing it there. He decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it down so that no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Aaron, the carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my gerbil?"
-----------------
This guy comes home from work to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um--no--um--what happened?"
The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing about it is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Jon-Marc, those are some great jokes... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I've never heard of carpet gerbils before /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Too bad the poor little gerbil got hammered. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
What I'd like to know is--Why wasn't there a red stain coming through the carpet?
----------------
When I die, I want to peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did--not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
-----------------
Real Advertisements:
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for the antique lover.
Now is the time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
chuckie30
05-05-2003, 11:07 PM
I saw this one somwhere, might be here, if so pls pm me and i'll delete this.
A young boy asked his grandfather one morning what his secret for his long life was. The old man well into his 90's told the young boy to always have a spoonfull of gunpowder with his breakfast, whether it be bacon and eggs or oatmeal.
The young boy did this and lived a long a fruitfull life. When he passed on at the ripe age of 97, he left behind: 12 children, 23 grandchildren, 37 great grandchildren and a 25foot hole in the crematoruim wall.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall.?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
-----------------
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.
--------------
Q: Why did the blonde bring a gun to the wedding?
A: She was told she was suposed to hold up the bride's train.
threadbare
05-06-2003, 04:59 AM
A woman is standing in line at the bank waiting for the next teller, when a friend of hers gets in line behind her. After a short greeting, the second inquires of the first, what business she was taking care of..... The first lady turns to her and says " I'm just transfering funds" you know "Robing peter to pay Paul". To this the second woman replies "Ya me too.....I just wish my peter was a little bigger". /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little onger, you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
-----------------
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male doritory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time they will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
Chuckie,Threadbear and Jon-Marc....Thanks for cheering up my morning.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
--------------------
"My wife's an angel."
"Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
---------------------
"You remind me of a famous movie star."
"Really? which one?"
"Lassie."
---------------------
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
stevenf64
05-06-2003, 06:54 PM
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant staff, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and I'll be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----------------------------------------------------------------
2. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
----------------------------------------------------------------
3. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
-----------------------------------------------------------
4. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to: YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------------------------------------------
5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---------------------------------------------------------
6. "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
---------------------------------------------------------
7. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---------------------------------------------------------
8. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---------------------------------------------------------
9. On Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what ya'll are thinking. You're thinking that I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"
---------------------------------------------------------
10. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------------------
11. An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door, smile, and give the passengers a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline," while they exited. In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The: little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
---------------------------------------------------------
12. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------------------
13. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
---------------------------------------------------------
14. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach was heard to reply, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
shãybare
05-06-2003, 07:09 PM
Woman to Beautician: When your finished with me will my husband think I'm beautiful?
Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink alot?
_____
They had a beauty contest in my town and nobody won.
____
Forever Nude,
Shaybare
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
shãybare
05-06-2003, 07:12 PM
Have you ever heard of deja-vue?
Shaybare did you hear my voices again? Shaybare did you hear my voices again? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol
Stevef64, I thought those airline announcements were just great! My son just flew in from Chicago, and boy are his arms tired....no not really. That was so old.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
My son did say that when they landed the captain announced over the intercom: Please be careful when removing your luggage from the overhead compartments....."Shift" happens! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Suntied
05-06-2003, 09:23 PM
Hey steven64... I love your new avatar. It is so... so.... uh... suttle, like it really isn't there...
Hee Haw... if you need help getting a better one, let me know... I will help cause you're cool.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Shaybare,
If you wanted to you could just delete two your repeats; I've had to do that when I got impatient and clicked too many times. Too often the computer doesn't work fast enough for us.
Here are some bumper stickers:
I love animals; they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A flashlight is a case for carrying dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
stevenf64
05-07-2003, 03:31 AM
Suntied
I can use all the help i can get!!!
jonmarc I think he meant to do that
AND i hit 100 posts with this one /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64
05-07-2003, 03:33 AM
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, Tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides
over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five "good leads," says Tommy.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
stevenf64
05-07-2003, 03:34 AM
OOOPPS there i go off topic again I guess I should have posted that in religion. I hope no wads that are tight take offense.
Steve
stevenf64
05-07-2003, 03:35 AM
> A physician claims these are actual comments from his
> patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
> >has gone before."
> 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
> 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
> 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
> 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
> 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
> 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
> 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
> 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"
> 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
> 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
> 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my
> head is not, in fact, up there?"
> /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I must admit most of these arent mine they are forwarded to me> /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
threadbare
05-07-2003, 06:42 AM
From a greeting card; /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
" I saw something today that reminded me of you...........
...........And I DAMN'NEAR stepped in it " /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Freedom4me2
05-07-2003, 08:11 AM
One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out," My son's choking! He swallowed a quater! Help! Please, anyone Help!
A man from a nearby table stood up announced he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concernat all, wrapped his hands around the boys gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father, cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No", replied the man. "I work for the IRS"
shãybare
05-07-2003, 08:45 AM
Jon-Marc,
I didn't hit the button several times. I own a Macintosh. It thinks it's smarter than I am and it does what it wants to - when it wants to. It's probably right but I keep trying to convince it otherwise. It's a losing battle. And, yes, this is the right thread for this because this computer is such a joke. I don't know why this computer takes such offense with me. It's been nearly a whole week since I threw it across the room and I did promise not to do it again the same as I did the last time. whispering: this computer needs to see my shrink ).
Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Shaybare,
I know the feeling. My computer does nothing I tell it to to do.
--------------
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, burting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drinl, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" rutine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "there's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look god, then it's time for me to go home."
----------------
"God," asked Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So you would love her."
"But why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."
---------------
"I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!"
"Great trade!"
Suntied
05-07-2003, 01:10 PM
Steven64,
At the top of the page/screen is a link that says: Veiw instant private messages/my profile. Go there and click on my profile... scroll down to the avatar part and play in there for a while! when you've got something... select it... or if you have a photo to send them for your avatar, they jump right in and help you build a sand castle... no, I mean make an avatar for you. Don't be scared... it's easy... you can do it! If I don't see an avatar under your name by tomarrow, I'm gonna have barelybob get killer after you... or maybe ercNY's monkey's! Hw said she would use a brillo pad on your a**! (or was that her voices) /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
Hee Haw,
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Suntied, get outta my head, it's getting crowded in here! Leave stevenf alone... he's nice and stays in the sand box, and doesn't throw sand, and he's seen your baton! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
Any one know where the fish swam off to? Maybe the monkey got him.... no it was Killer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
05-07-2003, 04:46 PM
Let's swim to the moon, baby...
Man, I been busier than a cat coverin' up sh*t on concrete. Damn cat...
Keeping up maintenance on the aquarium is not as easy as it looks. Just look at the algae around this place!! Yecch!! And my water is all cloudy again...the stupid filter needs changed...blimey!!
More bumper stickers:
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Atificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
--------------
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run,'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
---------------
How come you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?
Cats keep covering them over with sand.
-----------------
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Hiw lips are moving.
stevenf64
05-08-2003, 03:20 AM
hey I did it and you were right suntied it didnt hurt a bit. thanks steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
threadbare
05-08-2003, 05:38 AM
A man sitting in a crowded bar room realizes he needs to use the bathroom. In a dilemma, just receiving a full beer, If he takes the beer with him, he losses his seat. If he leaves it here, someone may filch it. In a brainstorm, the man grabs a bar napkin and writes on it " I SPIT IN MY BEER ". After making his bladder gladder, the man returns to his bar stool and finds his note flipped over and written on it " SO DID I" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Freedom4me2
05-08-2003, 10:49 AM
Cat Lover:
" I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat"
MEOW!!
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. After examining him the doctor said, "I can't seem to find the problem. I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober."
------------------
Q: Who has the right of way any time?
A: The car with the gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads "Guns don't kill people, I do."
------------------
Q: Why do redneck's dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
------------------
You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
fred950
05-08-2003, 05:47 PM
How do you teach a redneck how to put his underwear on?
Yellow in front, brown in back.
Suntied
05-08-2003, 07:16 PM
Steven64,
Beermug... hick-up... good choice! Burp... are you working on a picture... hick-up... burp... I'll be back, I gotta go behind the dumster for a minute. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Did I say good choice? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
Hee Haw, /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Q: What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A: The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
------------------
Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do. After all, I was married to her for 40 years."
---------------------
You might be a redneck if you don't know what day "Saturday Night Live" comes on the TV.
If you think turtleneck is an ingredient in soup, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if you use your ironing board as a buffet table.
Q: How do you tell if a redneck is rich?
A: He has two cars up on blocks, and one of them's all in one color!
missouriboy
05-09-2003, 05:07 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
You might be a redneck if you don't know what day "Saturday Night Live" comes on the TV.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But... but... some of us live so far back in the sticks that the TV signal doesn't reach us until Tuesday!
Trailscout
05-09-2003, 09:03 AM
If a redneck lives so far back in the woods that all his kinfolk are redneck and all his friends and neighbors are redneck, is he still a redneck?
Or is a redneck the most redneck person in the holler until someone more redneck than he is moves in?
Hey everyone...Thanks for staying off topic, but the redneck jokes are on another thread /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
*************************************************
Missouriboy....if that is the case, when does Monday Night Football reach you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
*************************************************
Trailscout....Are you hearing the voices too? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Oh Jon-Marc you hit the Jackpot..Lawyers and Leaches /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Lawyers and sperm...They're slick and slimy and only one in 5 million do anything important. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
hw, Isn't this a jokes section? Didn't I post jokes? By the way, where the word Redneck come from, and what does it mean? There are a lot of Southern things we Northerners don't understand--like what are chitkins and collard greens? What is/are grits? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
Remain calm, Jon-Marc..... You posted just right, I love your jokes. My reference to Red Neck jokes being off topic was, in fact, a joke.
No hard feelings ok? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I believe the term Redneck comes from the fact that southerners are known to get rednecks from picking collard greens in the sun.
Grits are similar to Malt-O-Meal, or mush. A hot breakfast cereal served with butter, sugar or honey and milk.
Collard greens are the green vegetables similar to mustard greens or spinach.
Chiklins, I believe it is actually chitlins. That is something I think is a really gross meat by product....you'd really have to check with Missouriboy or Shaybare or someone else from the south. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
So are we all cleared up on that Jon-Marc? Go ahead and post the redneck jokes anywhere you'd like. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Remember, I am a serious jokester, that and my voices keep me confused. Sorry for the mix-up /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
*************************************************
Now, just to stay on off topic: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? An elephino! lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Sorry, hw, I always tend to take "serious" joking seriously. I knew someone at work who told me I didn't have a sense of humor because I always took what he said seriously and was often offended at his joking. He always looked and sounded serious. How was I to know he was joking? By the way, I knew how to spell Chitlins even if I didn't know what it was. Even with proofreading, I often miss something.
-----------
A Redneck buys a lottery ticket and wins. He goes to claim his winnings, and a man verifies his ticket number.
The Rednneck says, "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck says, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Hey,right back at you Jon-Marc.... I wasn't being critical of your spelling....No one is a perfect speller, except for Gamblefish. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
And here's a tip I use to see if someone is joking on the posts. When you see these little guys /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif , I take it to mean someone is not being serious. Especially if it is in the joke posts. Now do me a favor and post some more jokes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Have a great day.
OK, hw, here are some more:
You might be a Redneck if you're late for your own wedding because you were at a monster truck rally.
You might be a Redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do.
---------------
A blonde walks into the hairdressers with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair, and the woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead!
The woman picks up the headhpones and hears, "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
------------
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
---------------
A man is at a lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him and asks, "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns to him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
gamblefish
05-09-2003, 05:47 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Hey,right back at you Jon-Marc.... I wasn't being critical of your spelling....No one is a perfect speller, except for Gamblefish. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
And here's a tip I use to see if someone is joking on the posts. When you see these little guys @!$#@! , I take it to mean someone is not being serious. Especially if it is in the joke posts. Now do me a favor and post some more jokes! Have a great day. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Aye em knot a purrfickt <---[cat reference] spellere, Aye kjust nowe hou two yuse a dikshunarie...reely, ewe can poot a linc rite on ewer compootur...
Jon-Marc, if you don't lighten up we are all coming over there and shoving a tightwad right up your, uh, wazoo, or something...I MEAN IT!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Thanks Jon-Marc....those are some great jokes. Welcome back little fishy........... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
gamblefish
05-09-2003, 06:33 PM
I'm over heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere Moe!!! <---you have to say this like Curly or it's not funny...
Well, hw, I heard you call "here fishy fishy fishy" and I figured it was you, cat-breath...
BTW, I love your new avatar. However, it looks like you're wearing clothing, and that is totally inappropriate for this forum...I'm telling...HEY BARTAMUS!!! HW ISN'T NAKED!! AND SHE'S THROWING SAND AGAIN!!
She said something about burying Suntied...
Gamblefish... get your eyes checked....all I have on is a choker and a scrunchy. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif I just washed my hair and I can't do a thing with it! Maybe a brillo pad would help. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Trailscout
05-09-2003, 07:02 PM
Jon Marc and HW,
Time to pull up a chair and set back for some Southern education:
The term "Red neck" does come from sunburned farmers' necks, true. But not from picking collard greens. Collards are a winter vegetable, harvested into early spring, long before the sun is intense enough to burn your neck. Yes, our climate is mild enough to grow some crops in the winter!
You are much more likely to get a red neck from picking watermelons, or hoeing corn. I used to have a girlfriend who hoed corn topless to even out her tan. She was mostly of Cherokee ancestry and had a lovely color to begin with. But I am getting sidetracked. Let me continue...
Grits is finely ground field corn, but it is coarser ground than cornmeal used for cornbread. Only Yankees put sugar or milk in it. It is traditionally served with a topping of red eye gravy, but butter or cheese is acceptable when red eye is not available.
It is true that "Collard greens are the green vegetables similar to mustard greens or spinach". But collards are sweeter than either one. A ham hock is often used for seasoning in the water used to cook collards. For New Year's Eve, we traditionally eat a dish called "Hoppin' John", a combination of black eyed peas with ham hocks and collard greens. Eating collard greens at this auspicious time of the year will assure you of another type of green later in the year: money!
The black eyed peas assure you of good luck (and unfortunately a little bit of gas too).
Chitlins is the commonly used short form of "chitterlings", but the shortened name is entirely proper and accepted usage.
Chitlins are pork intestines with the tender meat and fat that cling to it. They are quite a delicacy if prepared properly. Hint: Because of the strong initial odor, it is almost imperative to cook chitlins outdoors. My great granddaddy had a massive chitlin pot, a cauldron really, that he used to prepare this tasty dish. He raised a single hog in his back yard and dispatched it with his rifle and butchered it at "hog killin' time", the first frigid morning (20 degrees or so) of the winter, usually in mid-December. Daddy said that they wouldn't let him see the slaughter because he was just a slip of a a lad, but he could hear the screams, usually of the hog, but sometimes one of the men if the hog got in one last vengeful bite.
gamblefish
05-09-2003, 07:17 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Chitlins is the commonly used short form of "chitterlings", but the shortened name is entirely proper and accepted usage.
Chitlins are pork intestines with the tender meat and fat that cling to it. They are quite a delicacy if prepared properly. Hint: Because of the strong initial odor, it is almost imperative to cook chitlins outdoors. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wonder what Einstein thought that fatty, smelly, boiled hog intestines would be a good thing to eat...yummy. I wonder if, when the strong initial odor hit his nostrils, he said to himself, "Oh boy, they gotta taste better than they smell!!".
I stand corrected, Trailscout thanks for the info. Being from California, I know zip about southern life. But it sure sounds like fun! Except for the chitlins......that is just too gross.........sue-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Trailscout
05-09-2003, 08:11 PM
Gamblefish,
You asked, "I wonder what Einstein thought that fatty, smelly, boiled hog intestines would be a good thing to eat...
I wasn't there when the first plate of chitlins was served, but Granny always said that every part of the hog is eaten, except for the squeal. If someone comes up with a recipe for squeal, we might have to revise her proverb.
When times were hard, you ate everything on your plate. When you slaughtered livestock, very little went to the dogs, not when there were hungry children to feed.
--------------------------------------------------
Hey hw!
Everybody where I come from loves to tell stories and this forum gives me an outlet for that.
To tell you the truth, fixing chitlins is a gentleman's sport. Most ladies prepared other dishes indoors and stayed well clear of the back yard at hog killin' time. But both of my grandmothers were not squeamish about slaughtering chickens. In the old days, poultry wouldn't keep in the heat. You bought a chicken or turkey live at the market or from a farmer and butchered it yourself.
Thanks, Trailscout, for the education. I've always wondered about those particular foods. I've always wondered about the two different spellings of chitlins and chitterlings. I do enjoy cornbread; at least I know what that is. I agree with hw; chitlins sound rather gross. However, I'm willing to try almost anything once.
----------------
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling items. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
threadbare
05-10-2003, 04:16 AM
trailscout, why don't you enlighten the class on " Mountain Oysters " ( different names in different in other parts of the country ). Jon-marc said he'd be willing to try most anything /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Remember---you ate everything but the squeal /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
05-10-2003, 07:42 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Missouriboy....if that is the case, when does Monday Night Football reach you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I dunno... what's Football? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Missouriboy, I sure hope Missourigirl, if there is one, knows how lucky she is... No Football? Wow! What a concept! Wish I were in Missouri! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
*************************************************
THREADBARE.......Yuck, there would have to be a whole lot of alcohol consumption for that! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif I think there was another thread called the "Testicle Festival". It may still be out on the board somewhere. Think I'll skip breakfast this morning. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Here's one for you mathematical geniuses:
If someone were to offer you $10,000 cash or one penny doubled daily for 30 days, which would you choose?
That decision would have to be made without figuring it out first. If I remember correctly, I chose wrong on this. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
05-11-2003, 02:45 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...No Football? Wow! What a concept! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Actually, I could have gone one better and said, "What's Television?", since I haven't watched the stupid thing for over six years now. And the relief is glorious, just like getting any other addiction off your back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
'Course, now I'm addicted to bulletin boards... /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missourigirl is the one who watches TV. But, yes, I'm the one who's lucky that she puts up with ME the way she does. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
So Missouriboy you are saying you don't watch tv, but you do watch the computer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Tell Missourigirl howdy for me. Hope you both have a great day. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting lawyers for the rats in lab tests?
Three reasons:
1. There are more lawyers than rats.
2. When rats die many lab techs feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat won't do.
-----------------
Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?
A: Give her a snowshovel.
------------------
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of horses. This worked well until one of the horses snagged his tail on a fence and cut it off. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses, and sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64
05-16-2003, 07:21 PM
hey all the () are mine....
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral behind it.......
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story
about my Aunt Karen(also known as HW /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ).
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol
and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife 'till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did you
learn from that?
"Stay away from Aunt Karen(HW) when she's been drinking." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64
05-16-2003, 07:23 PM
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's
liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o'
the brandy.
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice
dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was
plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her
arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed,
"Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the
Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat. She replied,
"And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna s***."
steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
wannabenaked2001
05-16-2003, 07:44 PM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My beautiful goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
CalgaryMark
05-16-2003, 11:52 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wannabenaked2001:
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole . . . "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif That was no goldfish - that was a gamblefish! Way to go, Killer! The ultimate sacrifice /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
barelybob
05-17-2003, 04:04 AM
So that's why I haven't seen Killer lately, and I thought he was just out tomcatting again. Guess I can sell his food bowl now. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
stevenf64
05-17-2003, 06:16 AM
Walking is good for you!
It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks ... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last, but not least,
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
Steve
I exercise faithfully every day. 1. By lifting a utensil to my mouth full of heavy food. 2. By pushing the buttons on my remote controls--one for the TV and one for the VCR. 3. By walking back and forth from the sofa to the refrigerator. 4. By pushing the keys on my computer keyboard and clicking the button on my mouse. 5. By getting up 3-4 times a night and walking to the bathroom and back to the bed. I'm sure there are other ways I "exercise", but I forget what they are. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
05-17-2003, 06:52 PM
Hey Jon...I know you don't drink much, but I like to do 12 oz. curls every once in a while!!
What Fish, no big boys? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
You might be a Redneck if you think flyswatting is a national sport.
You just might possibly be a Redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
You could be a Redneck if you were just married and you have nothing bu empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
What do you call a Redneck with a functioning car?
Lucky!
barelybob
05-19-2003, 02:57 AM
I gave a friend of mine a toolbox for his truck. Saturday he came over with it full of beer on ice. Since he actually had tools in it also, I would assume that makes him a redneck. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Actually, it really was his galfriends idea at the time we mounted it in his truck. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Two Rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens".
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guees how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of "em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um...five?"
missouriboy
05-23-2003, 04:13 AM
Why did the pregnant blonde think she was going to have twins?
The home pregnancy test-kit she used came in a two-pak, and both tests came out positive!
Bumper stickers:
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"No radio--Already stolen."
"Few women admit their age; few men act theirs."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!"
threadbare
05-23-2003, 10:29 AM
Bumper-sticker on the back of a Land Yacht;
IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER-- I'LL FLUSH /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
A man hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it. He drove twenty blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happened again.
He kept on increasing the distance, but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a many miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then turn right again and then another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
gamblefish
05-23-2003, 04:20 PM
Oh Jon-Marc!! As if!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
I know, Gamblefish, it couldn't happen--as far as the cat giving him instructions anyway. It's almost impossible to get a cat or dog lost. They seem to have a sixth sense in finding their way home.
When I was a kid my dad took a dog a long way from home and dumped it. A few days later the dog came home. The second time he took the dog so far that it didn't find it's way home, but, unfortunately, my dad did. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
gamblefish
05-24-2003, 04:26 PM
Maybe he should have dropped the cat off in front of the car...or better yet, used my car!!
http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/catcar.jpg
missouriboy
05-29-2003, 04:09 AM
Sign seen on Girl Friday's desk:
"In order to be thought half as good as a man, a woman must perform twice as well. Fortunately, this is not difficult."
wannabenaked2001
05-29-2003, 08:37 AM
Two Newfies, Ned 'n Jarge, decided they aren't going anywhere in life and think they should go to college to get ahead.
Ned goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Ned
The professor answers, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answers Ned.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the professor.
"That's real good." The Newf responds in awe.
The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the Newf shouts,"Darned tootin!!"
"And since you own a house and house is tough to take care of by yourself logic dictates that you have a wife."
"HOLY SH*T!! This is incredible!" Ned exclaims.
Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," says the professor.
"Lord thunderin Jesus. You're right on bye! Why dat's the most fascinatin' ting I ever heard of. I caint wait to take dis 'ere logic class."
Ned, right proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Jarge is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin?" asks Jarge.
"Math, history, and logic." replies Ned.
"What da 'ell is logic?" asks Jarge?
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a q*eer, h'ain't ya?"
Naturist Mark
06-06-2003, 09:57 PM
I'm not going to work Monday.
Excuses For Missing Work
* If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I
will be in late, or early.
* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
-Mark
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