Issues with daugter-in-law

[Nudeinbama]

My son of 21 has been married to a nice girl for about a year now and we have already grown apart, though they live only a half mile or so away. They seldom visit, but when they do, I'm now told, she feels uncomfortable, due to the fact that she feels I'm checking her out,too often.First of all, I don't guess I know how to socialize with someone, and not look at them when I'm talking to them. I know well enough to look at them in the face when talking and not at any other part of their body.I've been to nudist resorts, and never had problems talking with people, or their not being comfortable,talking with me. I really don't understand her uncomfort, or how she figures I'm checking her out, but it bothers me for her to think that I am. I just want to figure out how to approach the subject and let my son know, in a not offensive way, that she holds no interest in my eyes.
Women, what makes you feel, from being around or meeting a guy somewhere, that they're checking you out???
Can one person not look at another across a room, for a breif instance, without checking them out, what ever the heck, that is suppose to mean , anyway.I know there are many issues going on with my son and this girl, we've discussed some of them, so I suppose this checking me out thing is likely just another reason for her not to have to come around, but it just bothers me alot to think this so-so attractive girl of 21 is so vain to think that father-in law wants more of her than just to visit with his son to our home.Just looking for others feelings on the subject.
Nudeinbama http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

[Nudeinbama]

My son of 21 has been married to a nice girl for about a year now and we have already grown apart, though they live only a half mile or so away. They seldom visit, but when they do, I'm now told, she feels uncomfortable, due to the fact that she feels I'm checking her out,too often.First of all, I don't guess I know how to socialize with someone, and not look at them when I'm talking to them. I know well enough to look at them in the face when talking and not at any other part of their body.I've been to nudist resorts, and never had problems talking with people, or their not being comfortable,talking with me. I really don't understand her uncomfort, or how she figures I'm checking her out, but it bothers me for her to think that I am. I just want to figure out how to approach the subject and let my son know, in a not offensive way, that she holds no interest in my eyes.
Women, what makes you feel, from being around or meeting a guy somewhere, that they're checking you out???
Can one person not look at another across a room, for a breif instance, without checking them out, what ever the heck, that is suppose to mean , anyway.I know there are many issues going on with my son and this girl, we've discussed some of them, so I suppose this checking me out thing is likely just another reason for her not to have to come around, but it just bothers me alot to think this so-so attractive girl of 21 is so vain to think that father-in law wants more of her than just to visit with his son to our home.Just looking for others feelings on the subject.
Nudeinbama http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

[nacktman]

Bama, that girl has problems.

Part may be due to the socialization that girls recieve from other women (and unfortunately some men), that all men are out for "one thing" and one thing only ... the trouble is they never tell us what that "one" thing is supposed to be. And if it is what I think it is ... T'aint true, but convincing them of that is another story.

As to talking to your son, just tell him that his wife holds no interest in your eyes other than the fact she's his wife.

[usmc1]

There is an old saying, A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife.

It's unfortunate, but it sounds to me that the girl has some real insecurity and control issues. Talk to you son, but I would not put it in terms of "make a choice".

Sounds to me like a trainwreck in progress. Too bad, cause with intervention and counseling these sort of deals just get uglier and uglier.

[Nude in the North]

It does sound like she has issues.

Just one question. Does she know your a nudist?

Maybe she has that textile attitude where "nudity = sex" and she thinks of you must only think that way.

I would probably try to talk to her about it and get it out in the open before it causes a barrier that you can't break.

Steve

[Nudeinbama]

Nudein the North, I don't think she is aware of my ndist activities,not really sure though, because my son has been with me kayaking when I was nude, he wasn't. I do know she seems to feel that I do not show respect, in her opinion, because the time or two they have been around us at our camper at the lake I have had on my speedo and also usually sipping on a beer or two while they're around.I think she likely thinks less of me, also, for my pierced ear and nipple. She seems very judgemental of people. She doesn't have parents of her own ans was raised by her Aunt, but as far as I know there were no alcoholic's in her family, and she's certainly never seen me nor my wife drunk, or close. It seems she's just choosen to think we're not the kind of people she wants to be around. There are already many obstaacles in between my son and his wife and my family here at home, but I'm just trying to figure how to not let them continue getting bigger.

[Boreas]

Hi Bama,

My esteemed male cyber-friends have given you some good advice. My only concern is the quickness to lay it all on the daughter-in-law. By saying that, I am NOT blaming you. It is just that it is a two way street and something in the interaction between you and your daughter-in-law is out of whack. I think only talking about it directly and respectfully with her will sort things out.

I also wonder if she knows you are a nudist. I am assuming that if she has been married to your son for a year, she does know. Perhaps she has some discomfort with nudity and nudists/naturists. You are also in a position of power being a male and being a father-in-law. That could be a source of intimidation, nude or not. The only way to clear things up is to be frank and talk about it. Find a way to address the issue with her and see how it goes.

As to how I know if someone is checking me out or not, it is difficult to put into words sometimes. There are some clear things, like having eyes only focused on certain parts, not the eyes. There is a certain vibe too, that is not easily explained!

Please don't dismiss her feelings as neurotic or problematic. She has her feelings for a reason, and needs some compassion. Men are sometimes too quick to dismiss women's feelings. I know we can be difficult to understand at times (as if men aren't! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif), but it is worth getting to know her and to understand her. That way you are more likely to have a good relationship with her.

Good luck!

[Nudeinbama]

Thanks for the reply Still_Boreas, and I do understand what you were saying in that she must feel I've looked at her some way or she's felt as though I was noticing her attributes more than she felt I should. I don't dismiss those thought, and likely just wasn't aware that I was to a degree that she felt uncomfy with. You are all right and much appreciated, in that Yes, we've all got to talk it through a bit and get things out on the table and for every one to know we want to remain a close family, if at all possible.
Nudeinbama

[Nudeinbama]

Just to clear and frank with you on the subject also, I've always been accussed , and probaly do, of having "wondering eyes", but over the years have learned to at least always be looking at someone in the face when talking with them. Even still,I don't think I've ever really checked out my daughter-in-law in a way to make for such a fuss, but she has obviously taken it that way, so along with talking through it all, I'll have to do a better job of not being myself and relaxed.As my father has said, when my first wife and I went through all the same with my father-"Walking on Eggshells"
to keep our relationship.I'm sure it was lots of fun for him, as I'm sure it will be for myself,Ha!
Nudeinbama

[sknny_dipper]

hi Bama. I had similar bad experiences with my sons ex girlfriend. Not in checking her out as you say, but in other ways. She was the type that tried to put a devide between my son and myself, by various means. It became clear to me that she had some major personality problems, I raised the subject with my son and he admitted there was some serious stuff stretching back to when she was a child. They did split up eventually. When this happened my son came and appologised to myself and the wife. He also had to go around to all his buddies and other family members and do the same. As she had being causing the same problem with everyone who was close to my son.
What's happening to you seems very familiar to me. Have a heart to heart with you're son when you get him on his own and talk things over it should help.
(P.S.) Is he losing his mates/buddies as well?

[Enjoying life]

Have you ever thought that she just might not like you and she just using that as an excuse not to come over. It just might be that simple and has nothing to do with the way you look at her. And she just might be trying to drive you and your son apart for the very same reason. Just a thought.

[Naked Canuck]

Another possibility (or possibly in addition to what some others have said) may stem from the relatively new marriage they're in. I know that when we first got married, we didn't see much of anyone really for the first year. I also noticed a bit of a ... possessiveness (?) in the first few years in my wife, where I was now 'hers' (in relation to little things that would pop up, she could take care of them, she didn't need or want either of my parents to see the need and step up and do it).

Some of this may stem from a bit of insecurity in this new area of life, and may simply take some time to ease.

[nudeM]

Hey 'bama, hopefully it's just a thing that will eventually will pass. She may feel 'threatened' at this time (for whatever reason is beyond me, but I wouldn't {dis-own} her yet).

She may very well know you are a nudist and is not comfortable. I think it's time for a father/son talk. This is an issue that should be taken care of before it gets too far out of hand. Hopefully she will come around. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

[Nude in the North]

She sounds a little like my niece acted when I first told her I was a nudist.

She went on and on about how wrong it was for other people to see me nude. And that she could never think of me the same way again...

6 months later she was topless in my pool, while I skinny dipped.

Steve

[Nudony]

...ditto with a friend of mine.
When I told her I was a nudist, she suddenly and unexplicably started becoming conscious of my eyes, and how much of her body was exposed to me; I assume that it somehow made her feel vulnerable, and that her reaction was some kind of self-defense mecanism. She eventually got over it, and stopped caring about how much of her I saw; but we did have a few weird moments, where she would very attentively watch my eyes and "shield" her body with her hands.

Give it some time, and it should eventually pass.

[Sauna]

I see that the easiest way is talk direct and say what nudism means. Nudist are sexually average people and the only weird thing is that they like to be naked and specially when everybody who is present is also naked. Tell her that you do not think anything special about her. My proposal is that you as older start to talk this matter clear. You can also ask if there is something which hurts her. After it she can be naked with you. For females it is more important to feel them safe and that is your challenge.

[Sauna]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Nude in the North:
She sounds a little like my niece acted when I first told her I was a nudist.

She went on and on about how wrong it was for other people to see me nude. And that she could never think of me the same way again...

6 months later she was topless in my pool, while I skinny dipped.

Steve </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

That is no wonder and if your son or wife will do skinny dipping with you I'm sure she will join your skinny dipping. She has right attitude to do it.

[walter05]

'bama'

I think that people are missing on the fact that your son and son-in-law live geographically close. Couples need a certain amount of space so they can form a close bond. She may also feel threatened by your proximity.

You say she an aunt raised her. This may mean that the first male that she has lived with in a long time is your son and we expect him to have a sexual interest in her. Her inexperience may be an issue.

I would try to be non-threatening for her. Apologize to her for making her feel uncomfortable. (Even though it may not be your fault this will help her feel less defensive.) Then tell her you want to work on not doing things that make her uncomfortable and ask for guidance. Ask her for suggestions on how you can make her more comfortable.

Your comments on difficulties in the relationship she has with her son raise two thoughts. One is that they will work it out and be closer than ever. The other is that they will eventually split up and your son will need you more than ever. Either way, if you make an extra effort to get along with her it can only be for the good.

[bill2me]

I agree with Walter05, go a talk with her. Letting her know that you care may resolve the entire issue. Great idea Walter05 !!

[OZJames]

In the last 3 years or so we have gone to hell and back with our relationship with our son and daughter in law. At times we thought we had "lost" our son but we persevered with contact. They live nearly 300 kilomteres away and we vist Sydney about once per month or so. Through the worst of the problems we kept in contact by telephone, eMail, visits and tried to rebuild the relationships.

We all talked through the "issues" and eventually our good relationships have been reinstalled. We keep in contact and TAKE A BIGGER INTEREST in their lives than we perhaps seemed to before. I think every long term relationship needs maintenance. It indicates and "cements" concern and love for the other person/s.

I believe that we will again have a blowup sometime in the future but we will again work to repair it.

When our son married we expected everything to be wonderful - it is wonderful but we have all worked very hard to make it that way.

I used to think "in law" jokes were about other people, like cancer, it would never happen to us. I now look at in law jokes with a greater understanding.

Nudity is not an issue with our relationship. Our children know that we are often nude and go to C/O beaches etc but they NEVER mention it. There was a nude photo of us on holiday on a CD we sent them and nothing was said. Thats fine.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif