Are My Voices Offending You?

[hw]

Yeah nudeM and I remember a time the cows used you as a canvas for some Spray Paint Art. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

ewwwwwwwwww What's that smell? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sick.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[hw]

Bad day at work?

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work ... think of this guy, Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

<span class="ev_code_RED">To shave or not to shave?</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

[nacktman]

All you can say is ...

[Pete Knight]

Oooh, that reminds me of an experience I once had, OK its not as bad as the jelly fish, but it WAS uncomfortable.

I was in Cyprus with the Royal Air Force, my billet was the usual single storey multiple occupancy block, ten men to a room and the NCO's room, my room!
The ablutions rooms were in the centre of the block, just a short(ish) sprint from my room!!

It is common practice to wash ones smalls and hang them out to dry, and in the heat of a Cyprus summer they don't take long to dry.

I awoke one morning at a ridiculasly silly hour (Why do Herc's have to be the early bird?), and in my state of drowsiness I reached out for a pair of shorts hanging nearby, I slipped them on ,........ then I was very suddenly fully awake and qualifying for an Olympic gold as I tried to find soothing, cooling water to splash over my tackle, I'd failed to notice the local, quite large, ants all over my makeshift clothes line, and my undergarments.

The general misconception is that ants sting, they don't, not like bees anyway, they actually squirt formic acid, and believe me, it hurts.

Pete Knight

[grl66]

A man in Seattle calls his son in Dallas two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Seattle immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif Good one grl66, good one. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif

[grl66]

The Lizard

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!). "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth)."Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass."What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . .masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.... and giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that . . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

[grl66]

If Santa answered his mail honestly:

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

************************************************** ***

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his a** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead.
Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the s***s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.
Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget p***o films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the a***s of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging s**t may work with your folks, but that cr*p doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

************************************************** **

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams, Santa

[nacktman]

.

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">My voices have learned some new songs. I thought you all might like to sing along with me.</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif


1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ....



http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[tarsus]

grl66; i spilled my coffee.
hw; please stop posting my disorders,i am normal now,i know that fat laughing fool, contracted the bunny to take me out. and i am ready for that egg carrying manic.
nudem; whats this about cows??
look! a butterfly!

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Yeah, well, all those pictures the doctor shows me look like butterflies. I am on a diet. I should be looking at margarineflies.

[missouriboy]

When I tried to butterflies, the butter flew off the flyswatter and soiled the walls. This made Mom yell really loud, and I got a spanking.

[missouriboy]

And yeah, shãybare, I guess I really was trying to margarineflies. We couln't afford butter.

[fred950]

Remember, Diet is a four-leter word! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif

[missouriboy]

We went to the campground Christmas Party last night and missourigirl got a party favor that was a tiny little baggie with a poem stapled to it. The poem said:

You've been Naughty
So here's the Scoop
You're getting Nothing
But Snowman Poop!

Inside the baggie: a half-dozen miniature marshmallows. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nudeM]

Posted by Missouriboy:
We went to the campground Christmas Party last night and missourigirl got a party favor that was a tiny little baggie with a poem stapled to it. The poem said:

You've been Naughty
So here's the Scoop
You're getting Nothing
But Snowman Poop! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sure hope there wasn't any yellow icicles inside the bag. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by fred950:
Remember, Diet is a four-leter word! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif

<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Diet is such an ugly word this time of year </span>? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Wishing Everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">What Santa does for a living (http://home.att.net/%7Ehideaway_today/t041/xmas_santa.swf) the rest of the year !!!</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Nu]

LOL.
Thanks, hw.
Always great humour.

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
ROTFLMAO! Very, very good.

[harveym]

Diet? I can't even see it!

[nfstan]

Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by fred950:
Remember, Diet is a four-leter word! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif

<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Diet is such an ugly word this time of year </span>? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Wishing Everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I prefer the antonym -- LIVE IT!

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Let's all wish Shay a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY (http://www1.yahoo.americangreetings.com/display.pd?bfrom=2&prodnum=3101072&path=41031) !!!</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/charming.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[luvnaturism]

I'm glad to join in that. Happy birthday, Shay. Be sure to keep having them each and every year. Medical research has demonstrated that people who have the most birthdays live the longest. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

[barelybob]

For all of you other old timers here. I don't watch much TV, but yesterday I happened to see an ad for a new series. I don't remember the full title, but it was, ----- and the naked trucker, or something like that. It put me in mind of Suntied. Has anyone heard from him in the last couple of years?

[gamblefish]

I saw that too Bob and immediately thought of Suntied. Great minds, you know!!!

It's "T-Bones and the Naked Trucker" on Comedy Central.

Hard to say butt it could be our old friend Suntied has made his way out of the sandbox and into the big time...

[barelybob]

That was my reaction exactly.

[EricNY]

Originally posted by barelybob:
It put me in mind of Suntied. Has anyone heard from him in the last couple of years?

I echange emails with Suntied now and again. He is still driving and still driving nude. His new passion is politics, he has been studying it and getting involved when and where he can. It would seem that this is where he enjoys focusing his energy.

But all in all he is doing well....We talk about this site once and a while...and fondly remember "NUDE RUNS"

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Just had to bring up Nude Runs again. LMAO Those were the days for sure.

Nice to see you Fish, where you been hiding out these days?

To all my buddies....Have a safe, healthy and very Happy New year! </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Party til the the room spins.</span>
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

Noise Maker (http://ecards.myfuncards.com/myfuncards/PickupCard.jhtml?c=5jiKHwR_APkp5hjJUZmEMWY7wtLHnsJ N)

[gamblefish]

Hey Shroomface!!

Those nude runs'll getcha everytime...

Happy New Year y'all and <span class="ev_code_RED">party til ya leave skidmarks!!!!</span>

[nudeM]

Wow, what ever happened to, "Party till ya puked."? I guess times have changed. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[gamblefish]

I dunno M...maybe we should ask this guy...


http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/drunk.jpg

[shãybare]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Let's all wish Shay a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY (http://www1.yahoo.americangreetings.com/display.pd?bfrom=2&prodnum=3101072&path=41031) !!!</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/charming.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

Am I slow or what? I just now have come across this, hw. I hope it isn't too late to say THANK YOU!

[OZJames]

Fish, thats the best TOILET HUMOUR I have seen in a long time http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nudeM]

Sorry 'fish, I stand corrected. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif Looks like he 'checked out' before the paperwork was done, or in this case, before it got started.

Shay: That's okay, it's been awhile since hw has been on here also, so I'll let her know about your belated thank you. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[fred950]

Fish, that must have been one hell of a dump to knock the crapper right off the wall!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

[nudeM]

Now I know what they meant when the the signs on the hanger doors stated, "STAND CLEAR - BACK BLAST AREA". You think maybe? Naw. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

[gamblefish]

Brings new meaning to "explosive diarrhea" eh? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Hey Shay no problem...I know how it is when you're old. </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif Just kidding. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif <span class="ev_code_BLUE">Ya know I luv ya.</span>


<span class="ev_code_RED">Hey Fish, is that your picture? What in the world did Mrs. Fish feed you?

You snooze, you lose. </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

Oh DEAR (http://www.uexpress.com/printable/print.html?uc_full_date=20070109&uc_comic=da) ABBY http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[OZJames]

HW - This is taken from the Dear Abby site you posted above.

"DEAR ABBY: There's a nudist colony in northern New Jersey that is owned by a Dr. Lust. -- ADRIAN IN PRINCETOWN, N.J."

Is it true ?????????? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[hw]

James would Dear Abby lie to us? Ponder this:

<span class="ev_code_RED">

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wisemen and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story?


Scroll down





The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[missouriboy]

WOW!

{Oh no... I think I done went and spelled it backwards again. Dang!}

[Baron Lake]

upside down
b.l.

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gifGood one! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[missouriboy]

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly Yup. But I still like the approach I saw on that bumper sticker:

Treat Her Like A Thoroughbred
And She'll Never Be A Nag

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[hw]

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women


Pregnancy Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[nifocinphx]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/icon10.gif George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky ba$tards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

nifocinphx http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/user.gif , but I'd rather be sunning my buns at Shangri La Ranch (http://www.shangrilaranch.com/)

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">So do any computer geeks have this problem? </span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Dear Technical Support –

24 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please?

[grl66]

I installed wife 1.0 once and let me tell you, Freesexplus was nothing more than clever marketing. As for Cleanhouse, it would appear the earlier versions had bugs.


Anyway, how about some scientific research (http://www.rebelrockrunners.org/nick/Misc/spiders-drugs.wmv)

[nudeM]

posted by grl66:
I installed wife 1.0 once and let me tell you, Freesexplus was nothing more than clever marketing. As for Cleanhouse, it would appear the earlier versions had bugs.


Anyway, how about some scientific research ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Way too cool. So true to form are the effects on spiders as to humans as well. Thanks for sharing. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

[harveym]

When insults had class !!!

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...follwed by
Churchill's response:

......"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde_________

[grl66]

Here's some SA answers for ya. Those pilots are a funny lot.

************************************************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern .. we've already notified our caterers."

************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[nifocinphx]

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal
when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that
he "hadn't seen his penis in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to
say and wanting to be helpful, I uttered, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it?
What color is it now?" http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif
__________________________________________________ _

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">I swear this was written by Gamblefishs' dogs !!!!!</span>


Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans


Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
Yelling at me for barking… I'M A *******' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

[gamblefish]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Well, that sure does sound like them...</span>

That last one is soooooo true!! Why does a dog lick his balls? Cos he can!!!

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/doglick4a.jpg

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Excuses, Excuses</span>

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.



1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


2.Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


4.Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5.Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.


6.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


7.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


8.Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


9.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


10.Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


11.Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the
sh!ts.


12.Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


13.Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


14.Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


15.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


16.Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.

17.Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


18.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


19.Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


20.Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


21.Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.


22.Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23.Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.




Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[hw]

Flower show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid
Flower Show!"


"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_PINK">Happy Easter</span>


All I Need to Learn about Life I Learned From the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[OZJames]

HAPPY EASTER

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gifJAMES http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

[shomymojo]

Happy Keester !!!

[shomymojo]

Happy Easter again

[hw]

[/url]
<left>[url='http://www.getmyspacecomments.com/']<font size="2">MySpace Comments</font> (http://www.getmyspacecomments.com/><img)</left>

[OZJames]

This Easter I gave my granddaughter a large chocolate Bunny. At two and three quarter years she has never experianced chocolate Easter bunnies before. Her parents showed her how to eat the bunny but then she got quite upset because the bunny was dissapearing

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[hw]

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[harveym]

Actually, I saw these about 10 years ago. At that time they were supposed to be from a contest that the Washington Post ran.

[fred950]

Oh, where o where is Tom McCahill now that we need him?

[PhilE]

hahaha thats hilarious. i really like 14 and 17

[missouriboy]

A Mexican fireman had twin boys. He'd already planned to name his first son Jose, but the blessing of twins was unexpected.

Anyway, he did name the first one Jose.
So, what did he name the second one?

.

.

.

.

.

.

Answer: Hose B of course!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[OZJames]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif <span class="ev_code_GREEN">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Come on guys admit this is you !!!</span>

Because I AM a Man:


Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)

__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

__________________________________________________ ____

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

__________________________________________________ ___

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

__________________________________________________ ____


This has been a public service message to help women to better understand men .

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[Nu]

LOL.
Thanks for the humour, hw.
After reading, I am most certainly a man.
What if I have lost both the remote control for the television AND the calculator?

Do you have the opposing viewpoint????

[missouriboy]

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask. Ladies, in order to get along with the opposite sex, you only need to know that men require fulfillment of just two needs: hunger and sex. So, if you see a man without an erection, fix him a sandwich.

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">I'm a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic Moboy, and so are these people.</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

They walk among us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave
>her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and
told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money
back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what
she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back
again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually
happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane ................They
Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door................They Walk
Among Us and Many Work Retail.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
Said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
stuff."...............They Walk Among Us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."........
.........They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
................They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a soda run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The Cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount................They Walk
Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"..............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!


They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL..............they VOTE!!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Bobx23456]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_RED">Come on guys admit this is you !!!</span>


Un, no. None of those misandrist stereotypes comes anywhere close.

Blessings

Bob

[MJ_KC]

Originally posted by hw:
Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
My truck will not allow the driver door to lock with the keys in the ignition. If the keys were laying in the seat, I would simply punch in the code on the keypad and the door would unlock.

Some of the other things apply a little bit, but not all that much.

[Pete Knight]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
And they walk among us!

[Pete Knight]

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

And they administer our lives!!

[Pete Knight]

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".

[OZJames]

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, “I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment.”

The wife replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

[hw]

Darwin awards
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38 - caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He
peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a
look
for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The
chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to
the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked
how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before
he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20
bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from
the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun
at
you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught
on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description
of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse
snatcher They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The
thief
was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I
stole
the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a
gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his
siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of
the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh
he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share
these with your friends and family .. unless of course one of these 10
individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In
that
case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

[nimrod]

hw, thank you for sharing the darwin awards, funny yet disturbing. I cannot help to think that they might be barrowing from the world of urban myth though, I remember hearing some of stories before.

[Nu]

Hw.
Thanks for the Darwin laughs above.

When I saw #2, it reminded me of this butcher that backed into his meat saw.
He got a little behind in his work!

[harveym]

These things keep circulating through the web. Here's one about the Stella Awards:



The "Stella Awards" are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in New
Mexico). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous and
ridiculous, yet successful, lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a toddler who
was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
****************

6th Place
Nineteen-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
*******************

5th Place
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.

He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.

Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted
on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued
the home owners' insurance company, claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
********************

4th Place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbors'
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owners' fenced yard.
The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt that
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting
it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
*****************************

3rd Place
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tail bone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
***************************

2nd Place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while
Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to
avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
expenses.
****************

1st Place
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand-new, 32-foot-long Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game -- having
driven onto the freeway -- she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back to make herself a
sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually do that. The jury awarded her
$1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed its
manuals on the basis of this law suit, just in case there were any other
complete morons around.

[luvnaturism]

The Stella Awards are fun reading, even though they're not true. Sometimes I wish life would imitate fiction. Some days it would make things a lot easier.

[Pete Knight]

Originally posted by luvnaturism:
The Stella Awards are fun reading, even though they're not true. Sometimes I wish life would imitate fiction. Some days it would make things a lot easier.

I seem to recall a newspaper report about 5th position, and I did hear about the cruise control many years ago.

I'm sure a little research would dig up the press reports on most, if not all, of these stories.

The sad part is, this type of litigation has spread to civilised countries too, while I was in New Zealand there was a case of the prisoner who started a fight and was subdued by prison officers, some of whom received injuries during the attack.
The prisoner took a claim for injury to court and got NZ$500,000 compensation, yet he started the fight and the prison officers got ziltch, they after all were being paid to subdue the trouble maker.

The world has turned upside down.

Pete Knight

Pete Knight

[Pete Knight]

Coming swiftly back on topic.


------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-----------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
-----------------------------------------------

[Naturist Mark]

I seem to recall a newspaper report about 5th position, and I did hear about the cruise control many years ago.

I'm sure a little research would dig up the press reports on most, if not all, of these stories.
The "Stella Award" cases are all untrue (http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp) , including the one it is named for - Stella Liebeck DID sue McDonald's over their serving of too-hot coffee, and DID win - at first. Her case was not without merit: <UL TYPE=SQUARE>A vascular surgeon determined that Liebeck suffered full thickness burns (or third-degree burns) over 6 percent of her body, including her inner thighs, perineum, buttocks, and genital and groin areas. She was hospitalized for eight days, during which time she underwent skin grafting. Liebeck, who also underwent debridement treatments, sought to settle her claim for $20,000, but McDonalds refused.

During discovery, McDonalds produced documents showing more than 700 claims by people burned by its coffee between 1982 and 1992. Some claims involved third-degree burns substantially similar to Liebecks. This history documented McDonalds' knowledge about the extent and nature of this hazard. [/list]
Liebeck won compensatory damages for 80% of her medical costs (she was deemed 20% responsible for the accident), and $2.7 million in punitive damages, which was reduced twice on appeal and was eventually never paid because McDonalds made a secret settlement out of court during the appeals process. LIEBECK NEVER RECIEVED ANY COURT AWARDED DAMAGES. Hopefully McDonalds did offer a generous 'secret' settlement, they were clearly at fault:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>McDonalds also said during discovery that, based on a consultant's advice, it held its coffee at between 180 and 190 degrees Fahrenheit to maintain optimum taste. He admitted that he had not evaluated the safety ramifications at this temperature. Other establishments sell coffee at substantially lower temperatures, and coffee served at home is generally 135 to 140 degrees.

Further, McDonalds' quality assurance manager testified that the company actively enforces a requirement that coffee be held in the pot at 185 degrees, plus or minus five degrees. He also testified that a burn hazard exists with any food substance served at 140 degrees or above, and that McDonalds coffee, at the temperature at which it was poured into Styrofoam cups, was not fit for consumption because it would burn the mouth and throat. The quality assurance manager admitted that burns would occur, but testified that McDonalds had no intention of reducing the "holding temperature" of its coffee.
Know the Facts: The McDonalds Coffee Case (http://www.caoc.com/CA/index.cfm?event=showPage&pg=facts) [/list]


Coming swiftly back on topic.
Foul!
This topic is for off topic topics, posting on topic violates the topic of this topic. You are therefore required to post something that has nothing to do with what you are posting about. Example: <UL TYPE=SQUARE>The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. [/list]

[Naturist Mark]

Here's another one, but not on the same topic ... <UL TYPE=SQUARE>I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

h/t Dogbert [/list]

[missouriboy]

Originally posted by Nu:
Hw.
Thanks for the Darwin laughs above.

When I saw #2, it reminded me of this butcher that backed into his meat saw.
He got a little behind in his work! Did'ja hear about the disaster out at the airport?

A woman backed into a propeller, and it disaster!

[Nu]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Did'ja hear about the disaster out at the airport?

A woman backed into a propeller, and it disaster!


LOL
Great humour, missouriboy

[hw]

Originally posted by Nu:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by missouriboy:
A woman backed into a propeller, and it disaster!
LOLGreat humour, missouriboy </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


This just in..... President Bush was fine after his colonoscopy. There were no W.A.D.S. discovered during his surgery.

Weapons of *** Destruction

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[nudeM]

Good one. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Baron Lake]

Must not have gone far enough up.

Probably some sort of cranial blockage.

b.l.

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

Good one HW!
It is cool to see this thread still going after all these years.

[Baron Lake]

Hey it's Friday HW. We need one of your posts to get us thru the weekend!

b.l.

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

Here is something fun for the weekend...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjMiDZIY1bM

[hw]

Originally posted by Baron Lake:
Hey it's Friday HW. We need one of your posts to get us thru the weekend!

b.l.

<span class="ev_code_RED">Ok bl, how about alittle soemthing for the blonde who has everything? </span>


http://content.pimp-my-profile.com/userpics/funny_pictures/942.jpg (http://www.pimp-my-profile.com/graphics/view.php?g=111)


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[alfredr]

There is a voice that has been bothering me a bit lately. It asks about how at the end of a performance (drum and bugle corps!), everyone stands up and applauds and it is called a standing ovation, right?

So the question is, "Are we ovating standingly?"

And the corollary question is about when you don't stand but still applaud, are you ovating sittingly?

[codylechien]

Under the religion section, there was a mention of a world religion beginning with M as being a "trigger word". I assumed that that meant "Mennonite" (of ocourse it could have meant "Methodist"....I don't think it meant Muslim because Muslims are people who practice Islam.) But if it was "Mennonite", it was ironic that "Memmonite" be a "trigger word for a people who are passivists.

Which lead me to the joke...what goes clop-clop-bang?

ANSWER - An Amish drive-by shooting.

(And hopefully readers are sophisicated enough to realize that Mennonites share a spiritual heritage with the Amish and both are passivists)

[Baron Lake]

Tks HW.

Err..where can I get one? I have this friend....
b.l.

[hw]

Originally posted by Baron Lake:
Tks HW.

Err..where can I get one? I have this friend....
b.l.

<span class="ev_code_RED">Well sure you can get one. Go to your local bookstore and buy "Dummies for Blondes"</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Naturist Mark]

... Stephen Colbert puts the forum ON NOTICE:

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Hey Mark Stephen has these forums down pat. </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif


<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Now a littlesomething for the drinking crowd.</span>


http://s148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/a/d0210.jpg (http://i179.photobucket.com/albums/w285/kimmychilds/comment/comment.gif[/img] (http://www.satisfaction.com)
<font size="2">Free Graphics & Comments Codes</font> (http://www.satisfaction.com)
]Drinking

[harveym]

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[hw]

Hey bl.....just in time for the weekend.

http://s148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/f/f0308.gif (http://www.satisfaction.com)
http://i179.photobucket.com/albums/w285/kimmychilds/comment/comment.gif (http://www.satisfaction.com)
<font size="2">Free Graphics & Comments Codes</font> (http://www.satisfaction.com)


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">This poor little animal looks like a penis with buck teeth.</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif


Naked Mole Rat (http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Publications/ZooGoer/2002/3/nakedmolerats.cfm)

[luvnaturism]

Ooooh. That comparison hurts. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[JayNudist]

Hw, you are sooo nuts.... Thanks !! Just found this thread and have spent way too much time back reading. ( Agrees on the mole pic ! ). http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

[KetchumMaine]

I have never seen a penis with feet, but I am sure they would be "beneficial" in some situations. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[Baron Lake]

Just caught your weekend posts HW Great as usual.

b.l.

[usmc1]

I want to live my next life backwards! Here's why:

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid
again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no
responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

> > > I rest my case.

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Wow bl I thought it was hot here in our neck of the woods. </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP Headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in
the
back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a DemocRAT, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Naturist Mark]

DemocRAT
Are you sure she isn't a REpubLICan?

[nimrod]

Being Irish and a nudist, should I be saying Erin go bra-less?

[MJ_KC]

Good one hw. I can sort of understand how a person might be freaked out a bit by something like this.

[usmc1]

Don't Even Mess With Texas or Texans:

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ***?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though"

[hw]

Good one usmc! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Anyone want to play Scrabble?


Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM





PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS






SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT






SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S





A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT ***** SHAKE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[usmc1]

I-POD BOOB JOB

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Now, thanks to Apple, everyone will be happy.

[OZJames]

As an accountant I thought I would counter the scrabble experts

Mathematical Speaking

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K-I-S- S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you here, it's the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">I like to think of myself as
19-13-1-18-20 1-19-19 !</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif


Shipwreck !!!



A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog survived with him. He looked around and realized that they were stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started to look better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm away from the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by
and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening the man introduced Hillary to the evening sunset ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze --perfect night for romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.


He fought the urges as long as he could, but finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[grl66]

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

[usmc1]

VIRUS WARNING!!!
=================

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes," delete it IMMEDIATELY!

Do not open it.

Apparantly this one is a pretty nasty computer virus.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone's auto dial to call only 1-900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your soda.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opens in a Windows 95/98/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to tags from your mattresses and pillows. It will also re-fill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!!!

And if you don't send this to 125 people in 60 seconds, you'll pass gas so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite
the person nearest you.

60
59
58
57
56
55
54
53
52
51
50
49
48..

[Naturist Mark]

VIRUS WARNING!

Honor system virus

This virus works on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone you know, then delete all the files on your hard disk. Thank you for your cooperation.

[Baron Lake]

Dang, Mark I wish you would be more careful about your posts. It took me 3 hours to get all my back- ups installed. (Except for AOL, that is impossible to erase). Haven't heard back from any of my friends yet on this.

b.l.

[grl66]

Mild language warning on this one but none the less, Daz & Baz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxzMMyEBu2c&mode=related&search=) is pretty funny.

[Naturist Mark]

http://www.ashevilleimc.org/cache/imagecache/local/attachments/may2007/300_0___20_0_0_0_0_0_wife_power.jpg (http://www.ashevilleimc.org/attachments/may2007/wife_power.jpg)Real life folks ... funny and inspiring.

Clowns KKKick KKK a$$! (http://asheville.indymedia.org/article/107Clowns)

this may just be the cure for terrorism too!

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">This is kind of fun test for any one who thinks they know-it-all.</span>

Think Test (http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.htm)

<span class="ev_code_RED">BTW I got 15 right, not bad.</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[barelybob]

That is interesting. I only got 23 right.

[Nu]

Great test,hw!

I took the test just after getting out of bed and was still half asleep-best excuse I can think of, for getting only 11 right.

[fred950]

I got 17 correct. However, I am surprized that the old wives tale about the direction of the eddy of a draining sink being dependant on North or South of the Equater made it as a "fact". Wheather systems, yes. Sinks NO!!

[hw]

120 and still going and going and.... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif


Investment tips for 2008. For those of you with any money left, be
aware
of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor
and
make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R.
Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and
become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge
and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:


PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become:

Knott NOW!


And finally ...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new
name:


T!tty T!tty Bang Bang.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Nu]

LOL.
HW, you are the queen of comedy.
Thanks for posting.

[hw]

Originally posted by Nu:
LOL.
HW, you are the queen of comedy.
Thanks for posting.

<span class="ev_code_RED">Thank you Nu.</span>


http://s148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/w/w0410.jpg (http://www.satisfaction.com)
http://i179.photobucket.com/albums/w285/kimmychilds/comment/comment.gif (http://www.satisfaction.com)
<font size="2">Free Graphics & Comments Codes</font> (http://www.satisfaction.com)

[hw]

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally
qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them
only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And, now you sir?", he asked the
second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The
blink of an eye, that's a very popular
Cliche for speed." He then turned to the
third man, who was contemplating his
reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out
of the house and on the wall there's
a light switch. When you flip that switch,
way out across the pasture the light
on the barn comes on in less than an
instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of"

The interviewer was very impressed with the
third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed
of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing
the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by
the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the
other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I
had already sh!t my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a
Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time
you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....

Have a good day!!


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[N8urist]

Hillarious. ROFL

[grl66]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalities
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran-substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

[Naturist Mark]

BEER

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[grl66]

WARNING - A.A.A.D.D. Know the symptoms of this debilitating disease.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye...they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my sunglasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

[hw]

CONVERTING UNITS


For all you folks who have difficulty converting units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1,000,000 aches = 1
megahurtz

9. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

10 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

11.. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

12. 1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone

STRANGE DEFINITIONS.

1. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

2. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

3. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

4. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

4. PARADOX: Two physicians.

5. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

6. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

7. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

8. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from the couch in front of the TV.

9. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

10. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

11. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

And our favorite:

12. SUDAFED: Litigation brought against a government official.

[nimrod]

I saw the thread way down on the list and felt sad. Is this the end of this threard after all these post? The forum changes and we say goodbye to the old for the new? I just cannot let that happen, so I decided to post something, anything, just to try to breath some life into the the old beast to see if it could walk again. hw, I am counting on you and your jokes to continue here, hope to see a new one from you soon.

[hw]

Still trying to figure all this new stuff out nimrod. :shrug:

[hw]

Answers from Students on Music Exams ...

The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they
sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing
without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

A harp is a nude piano.

The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing
a piece.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not
try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for
her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic.


:musicband:

[shãybare]

Very phunny, hw. You have me rocking and rolling with laughter.

[nimrod]

Thanks hw, and sorry. I know that I am still learning also.

[hw]

Very phunny, hw. You have me rocking and rolling with laughter.


:shrug: I thought you liked Country Shay. :musicband: :rotflmao:


Nimrod do you think it is possible to teach the old voices new sounds?

:computermad:

[OZJames]

Very phunny, hw. You have me rocking and rolling with laughter.

You want PUNny music Shaybare - cop this -:musicband::musicband:

"I like music. You just can't beat a good rhythm. I used to date a guitar player. He ended up just stringing me along. Definitely a bad pick. I'm not going to fret about it. I completely quit talking to him and cut the chord. I became friends with a drummer after that. He was the cymbal of a good man. I'm glad I was able to snare him as a friend.

The other night, I decided to waltz on down to a jazz club. They had a trio of trumpets playing. I thought to myself, "This music kind of blows". I began to feel a little horny. I was in the mood for some sax. I knew I was in treble. I decided it would be better to swing on out of there.

I went to the bar down the road. They started playing classical music. I wanted to leave, but there was no turning Bach now. I bought several rounds of drinks. The bartender kept harping me to buy more. I finally left before I went baroque."

I don't know who "I" am :eek::rofl::rofl: - sorry , source unknown

[nimrod]

Nimrod do you think it is possible to teach the old voices new sounds?

Well, since we adopted a parrot mine started to screech alot.

[nimrod]

What do you say to a drummer in a suit?

Will the defendent please rise.

[hw]

Happy Halloween


I know, I know....it's a week away but I couldn't resist sharing this one with you all. (Come on guys fess up....you pulled this prank more than once.)


:eye: :eye:

Don't forget to "STOMP" !!!!


http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W (http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W)

[OZJames]

HW - that is one very funny cartoon , especially for a farmer who has often trodden in a fresh sloppy cow poo - oops :rofl: SPLAT :D

[nimrod]

Did you notice the candy corn? Verry funny.

[hw]

Did you notice the candy corn? Verry funny.

Just like Cheech and Chong playing dogs Herbie and Ralph...." Hey Ralph, I like the way you use corn in there for texture". :peace:


Now just in time for the weekend.....


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.


The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis



:eat: :rofl:

[tarsus]

hw that one is a real stinker,the other is just painful.

[hw]

A political "must-see."


Absolutely delightful...and absolutely true!

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=575 (http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=575)



:rofl:

[nimrod]

Well, that is our government at "work" for us.

[shãybare]

Government + work = nothing done

[luvnaturism]

Uncle Jay is terrific! :laugh:

Unfortunately, he's also dead on.

[hw]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"




"You dumber than buffalo sh!t . Someone stole tent."

:rotflmao:

[hw]

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.


When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey...then re-stuffed the turkey She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically.
It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! :doh:

Yes, my sister is a BLONDE!

[hw]

Here's hoping you don't get too stuffed!!

:laugh:


http://
http://s148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/tg/tg1104.jpg (http://<br><a href=)
http://i179.photobucket.com/albums/w285/kimmychilds/comment/comment.gif (http://www.satisfaction.com)
Free Comments & Graphics Codes (http://www.satisfaction.com)

[usmc1]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[hw]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED

1) SCHIZOPHRENIA---- DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?

2) AMNESIA-- I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

3) NARCISSISTIC-- HARK THE HARALD ANGELS SING ABOUT ME

4) MANIC-- DECK THE HALLS AND WALLS AND HOUSE AND LAWN AND STREETS AND STORESAND OFFICE AND TOWN AND CARS AND BUSES AND TRUCKS AND TREES AND FIRE HYDRANTS AND...........

5) MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER----WE THREE QUEENS DISORIENTED ARE

6) PARANOID---SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO GET ME

7) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER---THOUGHTS OF ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

8) FULL PERSONALITY DISORDER---YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I'M GONNA CRY, I'M GONNA POUT, MAYBE I'LL TELL YOU WHY

9) OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER---JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS,JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS

10) AGRAPHOBIA---I HEARD THE BELLS ON CHRISTMAS DAY BUT WOULDN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE

11) SENILE DEMENTIA---WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND MILES FROM MY HOUSE IN MY SLIPPERS AND ROBE

12) OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER---I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS SO I BURNEDDOWN THE HOUSE

13) SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER---HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS WHILE I SITHERE AND HYPERVENTILATE

14) ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER--WE WISH YOU......HEY LOOK!! IT'S SNOWING!!!

:stars: :snowflake: :stars:

[barelybob]

Ah Yes, leave it to you to spread a little more holiday cheer!

Merry Christmas to everybody!

Bob

[shãybare]

Wishing everyone the best, Merry Christmas.

[hw]

Merry Christmas to you too Shay. :snowman:


Now for something really different. Seat belt warning!



http://www.glumbert.com/media/baddayoffice


:rotflmao:

[Pete Knight]

Merry Christmas to you too Shay. :snowman:


Now for something really different. Seat belt warning!



http://www.glumbert.com/media/baddayoffice


:rotflmao:

Wow, that's stress and I thought I'd had bad days!!!

Pete Knight

[hw]

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it anyother time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Startover, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!" Happy Holidays! May this Christmas season bring you joy, love, and peace. Happy and sincere holiday wishes from our house to yours.

:pinetree: :snowman:

[nudeM]

I guess after eating all that food, your clothes won't quite fit. How cool is that? If they don't fit, I guess you can't wear them. EAT HEARTY :laugh:

[shãybare]

Well, there goes the old diet but, thank goodness, the New Year's Resolutions are just a week away.

[hw]

:hb: Happy Birthday Shay !!!! :hb2:


Bet you thought I forgot you are 29 again. ;) :rotflmao:

Hope you have a wonderful day.

:wishes:

[barelybob]

I second that! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Bob

[nudeM]

I third that. Happy Birthday you old fffff, ffffff, booger. :laugh: Hope you had a nice and nude celebration.

[shãybare]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! I don't feel a day over 99. haha I am just wondering when the wisdom of age kicks in. Of course I am wise enough to go naked.

[shãybare]

Forgot to add: Love you all.

[hw]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day




trying to get a stay of execution for a client who




was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.




His last minute plea for clemency to the governor




had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.




As soon as he walked through the door




at home, his wife started on him about,




'What time of night to be getting home is this?




Where have you been?'





'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.




And on and on and on.




Too shattered to play his usual role in this




familiar ritual, he went and poured himself




a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long




hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the




predictable sarcastic remarks




as he drug himself up the stairs.




While he was in the bath, the phone rang.




The wife answered and was told that her




husband's client, James Wright,




had been granted a stay of execution after all.




Wright would not be hanged tonight.





Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,




she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.




As she opened the bathroom door,




she was greeted by the sight of her husband,




bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.





'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.




To which he whirled around and screamed,




'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,


DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

:rotflmao:

[usmc1]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

[hw]

This is not really funny, but an amazing video. Maybe we humans could take a page from this book.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JiJzqXxgxo

[hw]

OLD PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS THAT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN CONSIDERED YET!

AN 85-YEAR-OLD MAN WAS REQUESTED BY HIS DOCTOR FOR A SPERM COUNT AS PART OF HIS PHYSICAL EXAM. THE DOCTOR GAVE THE MAN A JAR AND SAID, "TAKE THIS JAR HOME AND BRING BACK A SEMEN SAMPLE TOMORROW.."


THE NEXT DAY THE 85-YEAR-OLD MAN REAPPEARED AT THEDOCTOR'S OFFICE AND GAVE HIM THE JAR,WHICH WAS AS CLEAN AND EMPTY AS ON THE PREVIOUS DAY.


THE DOCTOR ASKED WHAT HAPPENED AND THE MAN EXPLAINED,"WELL DOC, IT'S LIKE THIS-FIRST I TRIED WITH MY RIGHT HAND,BUT NOTHING. THEN I TRIED WITH MY LEFT HAND,BUT STILL NOTHING.


THEN I ASKED MY WIFE FOR HELP. SHE TRIED WITH HER RIGHT HAND,THEN WITH HER LEFT HAND, STILL NOTHING. SHE TRIED WITH HER MOUTH,FIRST WITH HER TEETH IN,THEN WITH HER TEETH OUT,STILL NOTHING.


WE EVEN CALLED UP ARLEEN,THE LADY NEXT DOOR AND SHE TRIED TOO; FIRST WITH BOTH HANDS, THEN AN ARMPIT, AND SHE EVEN TRIED SQUEEZING IT BETWEEN HER KNEES,BUT STILL NOTHING.


THE DOCTOR WAS SHOCKED! YOU ASKED YOUR NEIGHBOR"
THE OLD MAN REPLIED, "YEP,NONE OF US COULD GET THE JAR OPEN."


:rotflmao:

[Pete Knight]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. <o:p></o:p>

[usmc1]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
<o></o>
One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover "Quick jump out the window. My husband's home early!!<o></o><o></o>

"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"
<o></o>
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!"<o></o>
<o></o>
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.<o></o>
<o></o>
So he started running along side the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.<o></o>
<o></o>
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
<o></o>
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free."<o></o>
<o></o>
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"<o></o>
<o></o>
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"<o></o>
<o></o>
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"<o></o>
<o></o>
"Nope ... just when it's raining.<o></o>

[Naturist Mark]

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/hkqqMPPg2VI&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/hkqqMPPg2VI&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

[hw]

I don't know how true these are but they make for some interesting reading. :book:


Life in the 1500's!!


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

These are interesting..

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs".

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying "thresh hold".

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.

They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then would start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bonehouse" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "deadringer".

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!

[Naturist Mark]

I don't know how true these are but they make for some interesting reading. :book:


Life in the 1500's!!

Almost all poppycock, but the truth is often more interesting:

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/1500.asp

-Mark

[usmc1]

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[hw]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.

"The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.

"The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule.

"The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.

I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.

[I love this part!] The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

:rofl:

[threadbare]

We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule.

When I first heard this story you settled the argument by "Rouchambeau" (I have no clue if I spelled it right). I had completely forgotten about it until South Park had Cartman doing it.

[hw]

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give
away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE
KITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a
motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even
open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign
manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media
there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of
kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black
cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his
limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these
nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that
they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

:rotflmao: :rofl:

[Baron Lake]

Gee hw, and I thought you were going to say it was because they started to s**t on everything. :)

b.l.

[hw]

Gee hw, and I thought you were going to say it was because they started to s**t on everything. :)

b.l.

Well that's true too. :doh:

I feel so bad for Hillarity, poor thing seems to be losing her memory. :cuckoo:

[hw]

This is kind of a fun thing to do. I don't know how it is done but it is entertaining.


1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE :
http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.

3. WRITE YOUR FAMILY NAME in the 2nd .!!!
No need to write your e.mail address.

4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.

Unbelievable. Can you explain how this is done?

:shocked:

[threadbare]

Unbelievable. Can you explain how this is done?

That was pretty wild.

He was NOT my type

[Naturist Mark]

1] 1st they did a scan of every name on the internet, then they sorted them into every possible combination, then they shot 85,356,895,297 different versions of the video clip, and use a fast sorting algorithm to choose which one to play. By the way, it takes the equivalent of the entire installed computer hard drive base of Australia to store all those clips.

no no no that isn't practical ...

2] They have a cantina and two actors with sharpies and a webcam standing by waiting for your mouse clicks.

naw ...

3] the web site is run on the devil's server ...

...

4] or maybe it is a simple CGI script that imposes whatever is entered into the form on the screen with the very carefully placed background video image behind it


-Mark

* the correct answer is [3]

[harveym]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution...
They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us!
====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
They walk among us, AND reproduce!

[hw]

:funny:



THE TREE HUGGER

A woman from Forks , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Clallam Country land.

There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her
haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 60 minutes away.

She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long" !!?

He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Washington Parks and Wildlife and Keep Washington Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down." :shrug:

[shãybare]

Funny, hw. I almost fell off my stick horse.

[Baron Lake]

The focus of HW's latest post reminds me of the question of just what sort of "intelligent designer" would run a waste disposal system through a rec area. (let's not get into settling ponds and marshes here)

b.l.

[harveym]

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist,
All dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.

[barelybob]

A young biker goes to his bank to take out a loan. The loan officer asks if he has any collateral to secure the loan. The biker replies that he has a fine Harley. The loan officer then asks if he has a lien holder on the bike. The biker responds " It's got a kick stand! ".

[hw]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY nudeM :hb2:

http://
HAPPY BIRTHDAY nudeM. The other 50 wouldnt fit !!!!

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/bd/bd1710.gif (http://<br><b><font size="2">HAPPY BIRTHDAY nudeM. The other 50 wouldnt fit !!!!</font></b><br><br><a href="http://www.satisfaction.com/codes/happy-birthday-comments-1.php" title="MySpace Comments - Happy Birthday"><img src="http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s4/karsmi123/bd/bd1710.gif" border="0" alt="MySpace Comments - Happy Birthday"></a><br><a href="http://www.satisfaction.com" title="MySpace Layouts - Happy Birthday"><img src="http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u83/jst8761/comment/comment.gif" border="0" alt="MySpace Layouts - Happy Birthday" ></a><br><a href="http://www.satisfaction.com" title="Free MySpace Comments & Graphics - Happy Birthday"><font size="2">Free Comments & Graphics</font></a><br>)
http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u83/jst8761/comment/comment.gif (http://www.satisfaction.com)
Free Comments & Graphics (http://www.satisfaction.com)

:eek: ;)

[Baron Lake]

Happy B day mike.

(and hi to you HW, been missing you on this thread.)

b.l.

[nudeM]

It takes a birthday greeting to bring this thread back to life? lol Anyway, thanks and look forward to 21 more. lol

[OZJames]

ON BIRTHDAYS -
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I think that much humour has disappeared from this site - have the posters grown up ? - I don't think so. We all miss you HW

[barelybob]

Happy Birthday!

Bob

[Nu]

Belated Happy Birthday,NudeM!

[alfredr]

So what is the name for the condition described as an irrational belief that everyone is NOT out to get you?

[Naturist Mark]

So what is the name for the condition described as an irrational belief that everyone is NOT out to get you?

You'd think by changing the suffix to philia (= friendship) it would be paraphilia.

But NOOOOO

Turns out the creepos have already defined paraphilia as a complex of sexual fetishes. Yech!

So how about this ...

The opposite of paranoia (pair-ANNOY-yah) scould be (Pair-I-LIKE-yah) or paraliquia. But no, that looks too much like a drinking problem ... but the cool thing is that the plural could be paraliquids.

How getting our horse on a different track ... a feeling of respect among individuals is conveyed by the word mutual ... so how about parimutuel? Naw ... the odds are that bet would be misplaced.

Paranormal?

Maybe the opposite of paranoia should mean that you are out to get everyone else? - Paramilitary or neo-con?

If you actually look it up (CHEATER!), one of the suggested antonyms is ... Sanity.

But we are way past that ...

[alfredr]

My voices say it sure isn't sanity.

And is it still paranoia if everyone really is out to get you? Now that sounds like sanity.

[hw]

For BaronLake ;)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4_MsrsKzMM

:rotflmao:

[Baron Lake]

Never did understand more than one outa 10 words before.

Thanks, (I think):)
b.l.

[nimrod]

HW, omg that was one of the funniest things I ever saw, I do not think that I can ever hear Joe's version of that song again without laughing.

[hw]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After awhile Bubbles says, 'do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep and said, 'nope, not yet, Bubbles.'

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think
were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.
'So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath she says, ok, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel. :doh:

[hw]

The Word " Service"

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word "service":

Internal Revenue "Service"U.S. Postal "Service"Telephone "Service"T.V. "Service"Civil "Service"City & County Public "Service"Customer "Service"and "Service" Stations.

This is not what I thought "service" meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to"service" a few cows.

BAM! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you are now as enlightened as I am. ;)



</PRE>

[hw]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[usmc1]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed in California , an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the Houston Chronicle, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Alvin , Brazoria County , Texas , Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Texas A&M, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

Thank God for Bubba. Who said Texans were hicks?

[Naturist Mark]

<center>-------------------------------------------

REESE (http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/23692/1220904231/reese.jpg)

-------------------------------------------</center>

[hw]

<CENTER>-------------------------------------------

REESE (http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/23692/1220904231/reese.jpg)

-------------------------------------------</CENTER>


Oh Mark this is great !!!!! I just love before and after pictures. It is amazing what the medical community can do with a scalpel these days. shocked Or was that trick photography? :rotflmao:

[hw]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.







<SCRIPT type=text/javascript> hasEML = false; </SCRIPT>

[hw]

I'm voting Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I
know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.
The papers prove that every day.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want.
I've decided to marry my horse.
And maybe a cockroach.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't. I love paying at the pump.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
I know i'm not too bright.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
And GOD isn't mentioned.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq, I trust that the bad
guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.
Then there will be no more terrorists.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
I don't need to take the whole family.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
Heaven knows they have rights.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit. The boss don't need a new car.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the
Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters. More money for rapists, murderers, terrorists.

I'm voting Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my azz it's unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.
They will tell me what I need to know.

'A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own'. -
William F. Carling -

[Naturist Mark]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2360/1927847605_5493c5ba6f.jpg?v=0 (http://www.flickr.com/photos/48105445@N00/1927847605/in/photostream)

[barelybob]

Too bad you don't have one "fact" correct.

[hw]

Come on guys this is a humor thread. My prvious post was tongue in cheek. :) Let's give BO a chance to prove himself. :applause:

[barelybob]

Yes Mom, I'm sorry.

Bob

[hw]

Yes Mom, I'm sorry.

Bob

That's ok son. I hope this one cheers you up. ;)




Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.

Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.


Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.



Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, "$9,500."


"$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned. "But you said it's an easy repair!"


"Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator."



In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.


Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.


The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days.


A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.



Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says "Let's see – this will cost you about $21,000."


"A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Obama quickly fires back.


Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. "Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying cus tom ers rises every day.


"Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they're not being replaced – nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too – all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share."



Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: "Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?"



Joe immediately replies, "Run for president, apparently." :surprised:

[barelybob]

Thanks, that did cheer me up. Everybody should know basic economics.

Bob

[hw]

The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches
Government at Santa Fe High School.
In one of KC's classes, they were discussing
the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty
simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor
when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by 'C'-section?!"
Just think.....
...... someday she'll vote!

[nimrod]

The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches
Government at Santa Fe High School.
In one of KC's classes, they were discussing
the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty
simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor
when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by 'C'-section?!"
Just think.....
...... someday she'll vote!

Yes she will, and probably replubican.

[hw]

Yes she will, and probably replubican.

Are you sure? Decide for yourself. :eek:

http://www.howobamagotelected.com/

[nimrod]

Are you sure? Decide for yourself.

Just a little poke after all the Dem jokes you have posted, just wanted to balance things out. There are idiots on both sides.

[hw]

Just a little poke after all the Dem jokes you have posted, just wanted to balance things out. There are idiots on both sides.


Do you suppose this is a Rep. or Dem? :sneaky:

Happy Thanksgiving !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hd4h5xKLGuE :eat:

[Fitz1980]

Are you sure? Decide for yourself. :eek:

http://www.howobamagotelected.com/

Taken from that page.

On November 4th, 2008 millions of Americans were shocked that a man of Barack Obama's limited experience, extreme liberal positions and radical political alliances could be elected President of the United States. For many of these Americans, the explanation was rather simple... the news media, completely enamored with Obama, simply refused to do their job.

"Extreme positions," yea right. Already people on the right are flip-flopping to try to argue that since Obama's cabinet picks and positions are center-left, rather than the socialist boogieman that they tried to paint him as, he's a sellout who's promises of change were all lies. "Radical associations," do I even need to dignify that one? This thing looks to be really "fair and balanced" when that's how they start off. Oh and of course they "gave him a free ride," that's why they spent endless hours talking about some dude he was once on a board with and that that guy was doing when Barack was in the 3rd grade.

As for picking some dumb supporters and interviewing them, who cares? I've worked in customer service, off and on, since 1997 and one thing that I'm confident in is that in general the American public is dumber than a bag of hammers. Left, right & center it doesn't matter; the average American is barely qualified to order a meal at a restaurant, and they often even screw that one up. In 2004 it was shown that overall the more support someone had for President Bush was directly tied to how little you actually knew about his positions and what had happened in the first 4 years of his administration.

Heck lots of people back than thought that the "Swiftboat Veterans for Truth" were actually guys who served with Kerry, rather than just guys who served at the same time as him or just in Vietnam at some point. Even 4 years later many don't know that many of the accusations that they made and Fox News repeated every half hour were later proven to be outright lies. How many people still think that Saddam was behind 9/11?

Here's one for you. According to USA Today back in April, 1 in 10 Americans still thought that Obama was Muslim, and this was after the Rev Wright flap.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2008-04-01-obama-muslim_N.htm
While a majority — 53% — identify Obama as a Christian, 16% of conservative Republicans, 16% of white evangelical Protestants and 19% of rural Americans believe the Illinois senator is Muslim.

About a third of Americans said they don't know what Obama's religious beliefs are, and 9% of that group said it's because they've heard different information about his faith.

Even now you've got those nutjobs demanding to see a birth certificate, even though he provided it 6 months ago. They're citing an e-mail that gets the year that Hawaii became a state wrong. Why does that matter? Because they are trying to say he was born to foreign parents in a territory of the US, before it was a state, and because of some legal loopholes is not eligible to be President. In actuality he was born in Hawaii 2 years after it became our 50th state and his mother was a natural born US citizen. He's a US citizen for the same 2 reasons that I am one. He was born on US soil and entered this world by passing through the vagina of a United States citizen; these facts are not up for debate but plenty are trying to debate them still.

Also I saw something really disturbing on CNNs big board about the election. They showed a county by county breakdown and in many rural counties where both Gore and Kerry had some measure of support, even though it wasn't a majority and it showed that Obama had far less support in those same areas. Their point was that he won the election based on his appeal to the suburbs, as he had big support in the cities as expected of a democratic candidate but the suburban areas that had previously gone for Bush flipping to him is what tipped the balance. The thing I found so disturbing was the fact that his support in the country was so much less than either Gore, Kerry or Clinton. That basically means that many rural whites, who had previously voted for Gore, Kerry & Clinton were voting against their own economic best interest rather than voting for the "colored guy."

[hw]

Now that the election is over I hear that Sarah Palin is going to


show there is no animosity about losing the election. She has invited both Obama
</PRE>

and Biden on a moose hunting trip. She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach
</PRE>

gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the prehunt
</PRE>

party. :sneaky:
</PRE>

[Naturist Mark]

<p><img src="http://www.dependablerenegade.com/photos/dr_pix/santa_is_a_terrorist.jpg"><br>REUTERS/Jason Reed</p>

[Naturist Mark]

Now I don't approve of throwing shoes at people in news conferences. But man, did you see how well W bobbed and weaved out of the way? He was awesome!

I don't think that was the first time he has dodge shoes.

-Mark

[inudist]

Now that the election is over I hear that Sarah Palin is going to


show there is no animosity about losing the election. She has invited both Obama
</PRE>

and Biden on a moose hunting trip. She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach
</PRE>

gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the prehunt
</PRE>

party. :sneaky:
</PRE>

Ahhh, some political humor instead of these vicious sniping partisan posts. How refreshing! Thanks, HW

[Naturist Mark]

Found on teh internets ...

According to today's experts, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our toys were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights went on. No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on sky, videotape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played King of the Mountain, and sometimes, we got really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We all carried weapons. Every boy had a pocket knife at all times - even in school or at an airport!

And we had toy cap guns that looked like real guns - plated with shiny metal, not made of bright colored plastic designed to look inoffensive.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Soccer and Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

People under 40 are WIMPS!

[atalanta]

Found on teh internets ...

According to today's experts, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

People under 40 are WIMPS!

So true! Absolutely amazing to consider how things young people (can) do have changed in a couple of generations.

[Baron Lake]

Yup. Wimps. Course, the older generations might just bear a tad bit of the responsibility for this. Mostly, we neglected to heed Shakespear's advice regarding lawyers.

b.l.

[alfredr]

And if you got in trouble at school, you got in more trouble at home.

[Naturist Mark]

http://incredimazing.com/static/media/2007/12/21/9aea5d0274da000/baconflowchart.jpg

[OZJames]

Makin' bacon

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had
determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at
the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so
they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate
their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was
the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I
know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're
in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if
they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were
rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the
family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to
his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in
the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in
the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[threadbare]

Makin' bacon

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had
determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at
the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so
they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate
their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was
the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I
know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're
in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if
they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were
rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the
family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to
his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in
the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in
the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."


http://www.clothesfreeforum.com/showthread.php?p=96859#post96859

It's still funny

[hw]

With year 29, yes count em folks twenty nine fast approaching my question is: How come no one ever told me this secret???? :confused: :D









At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly they have a weekly husband's only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary."


Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

[hw]

Guys, you might catch a little flap if you parachute naked. :rolleyes:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA4HvX_fXUE

[CHICK]

Found on teh internets ...

According to today's experts, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our toys were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights went on. No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on sky, videotape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played King of the Mountain, and sometimes, we got really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We all carried weapons. Every boy had a pocket knife at all times - even in school or at an airport!

And we had toy cap guns that looked like real guns - plated with shiny metal, not made of bright colored plastic designed to look inoffensive.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Soccer and Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

People under 40 are WIMPS!
watch out N.Mark your running a risk of sounding like a non-p.c. conservative!
this is the first time I agreed with every blessed word you said,thanks! p.s. May I copy and reprint this? I'll give full credit to you.

[Naturist Mark]

May I copy and reprint this? I'll give full credit to you.

No need to give credit - as I noted at the beginning - I found it on the internet. Made a few edits (the version I saw had some peculiar British items that needed translation to 'merkin). I have no idea where it originally came from.

and by the way

"Hey you kids! GET OFF MY LAWN!"

[hw]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman
ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine
my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward looked into the cart and asked
sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because
they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there
would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young
man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said
, 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated
immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The
reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All
eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the
altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
her father and placed something in his hand. The
guests in the front pews responded with ripples
of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As
her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Three
friends from the local congregation were asked,
'When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?'
Artie
said: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and
a great family man.'
Eugene commented:
'I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge
difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say,
'Look, he's moving!'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith
climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the
Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith
asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to
you?' The
Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith
asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The
Lord replies, 'In a
minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

John
was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give
me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of
course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six
months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to
marry Bob.'
'But
I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With
his last breath John said, 'I
do!'

Have a great weekend !!!!! :)

[Naturist Mark]

Am I the only one who sees this?

Susan Boyle (Britain's Got Talent)
Colm Meaney (Actor)

[Naturist Mark]

This one is just eerie

[hw]

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"


"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the old Chinaman.


The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".


As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.


The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown


"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"


"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat." :rotflmao: