Are My Voices Offending You?

[Trailscout]

Jon-Marc,

I understand your priority is to get a membership to Turtle Lake and that is a worthy goal.

It is still hard to sell houses until America has been in economic recovery for a longer period of time. There's still too many folks out of work. When lots of folks are looking for houses, the siding won't be such a critical issue.

Back to your computer, let me offer one other suggestion: try a product like Lavasoft's Adaware. It could also be that so many advertiser programs are running on your computer that your browser is choking when it hits a Web page. I believe that Adaware is about 10 bucks, but it is free to try it. There are other good products on the market that do the same thing.

When you are ready for a new computer, you can buy one at a second-hand store for a few hundred dollars less than at the fancy retail stores.

You might even be able to sell them your old computer to help pay for your new one.

I don't know how good the Dell computers are, but we used them at work. I've seen them advertised on TV for as low as $500 for new ones. You probably don't get a lot of power or memory for that price, but I will never be able to afford or even need a top-of-the-line computer. There are so many things I click on that I can't see because of the error message. I've done everything I can think of and everything that has been suggested, and nothing has worked. The last time I checked the performance of the computer was at 83%. I've deleted everything I can think of deleting that I don't need. I see hundreds of abbreviations that mean nothing to me, and I'm afraid of deleting something I would need. I would really be frustraed and HAVE to do something if I couldn't get into this forum.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Below are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

Yosemite National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Those really are extraordinarily dimwitted, since Old Faithful is in Yellowstone, not Yosemite! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Personally, I wouldn't know where Old Faithful is. I copied it exactly the way it was written. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally make his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

------------------

An 87-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said, doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor replied, "I didn't say that!...
I said you have a heart murmur. Be careful!"

I just typed "naturist jokes" into my search engine. What little I found I wasn't able to get into because of the error message that kept coming up that I mentioned before.

What I wanted to mention is that most of the Web sites that came up for "naturist jokes" were pornographic. They had nothing to do with naturism or naturist jokes. Someone once said that typing in "naturist" or "naturism" would prevent you from getting a lot of porn sites. Well, that isn't true any more. We now can't look for anything related to naturism that doesn't give us mostly porn sites.

[hw]

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As the lady neared the top, she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable
pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining
room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited
for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."


/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

13 Things Films Have Taught Us:

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language; a convincing accent will do.

3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5. Every single person in martial arts films has a black belt in karate.

6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7. One man with a handgun shooting at twenty men with automatic weapons has a better chance of hitting them then they do of hitting him.

8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low income.

10. The entire British population live in London.

11. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12. In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13. When captured by an evil internatioal terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them; sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
13 Things Fims Have Taught Us:
13.sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Quick question Jon-Mark: What are Fims? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw,

Please note that I corrected my typo. Even though I proofread before posting, I still miss something most of the time and have to edit it.

Oh, and that's Marc with a "c".

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw,
Please note that I corrected my typo. Even though I proofread before posting, I still miss something most of the time and have to edit it.
Oh, and that's Marc with a "c". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Jon-MarC with "C". /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I was reading your post along with NaturistMarK and the voices confused me. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif lol (I'd like to thank you for not capitalizing my initials...lot's of people do when replying to my posts. Does that mean they are all yelling at me?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I thought you meant films, but there are times when posts include initials or words I am not familiar with. Thanks for clearing that up for me. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Now go post some more jokes...please. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I hope we can all convience MOboy to share his cows with us! I'm in the "MOOd" for cow jokes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
I hope we can all convience MOboy to share his cows with us! I'm in the "MOOd" for cow jokes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What? No bull?

An Air Force bomber on a test run erroneously released a small bomb over a pasture in which a bull was standing with his head in the air and his mouth open. The bomb landed in the animal's open mouth and the beast swallowed reflexively. What one word best describes this situation?

(----------)

And what about the situation a moment later?

(-----)

(Answers later, unless someone guesses them. If you know, don't tell yet! The dashes represent one letter apiece.)

[nudeM]

Take a cow that is in the mood and there is no bull around. What do you have? A mad cow. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif No offense, but I just couldn't resist.

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after college.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The bigger I get when I'm pregnant, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter than they are.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep.

[tarsus]

jon-marc;
i see you are still having trouble,the dells appear to have enough memory to surf the net and do what you need them to do.i do not think they will handle office xp, but being retired you really should not need this anyway.i do think they will handle home xp.if you can get on their site sometimes they offer free flat screen upgrade this is a good thing.[not as hard on the eyes] unless you want to override and launch a nuclear device this will be all you need.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
An Air Force bomber on a test run erroneously released a small bomb over a pasture in which a bull was standing with his head in the air and his mouth open. The bomb landed in the animal's open mouth and the beast swallowed reflexively. What one word best describes this situation?

(----------)

And what about the situation a moment later?

(-----)

(Answers later, unless someone guesses them. If you know, don't tell yet! The dashes represent one letter apiece.) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No takers? Well, the two words are "abominable" and "noble."

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nudeM:
Take a cow that is in the mood and there is no bull around. What do you have? A mad cow. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif No offense, but I just couldn't resist. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>That's not a problem here; there's plenty of bull around. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't long now...the 45th bus just went by!"

--------------------

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour hinmself a stiff one."

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour hinmself a stiff one." [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I will never be able to look at Pepsi the same way again! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Do the Dew! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by naturistmark1:
MAGIC (http://www.zorstec.net/COPPERFIELD.HTM)

Wow ... that is incredible. I did the 'illusion' 6 times in a row, picking differently. It worked every time. Spooky

-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Has anyone else figured this out yet? I did on the second try. It's easy! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Here's a hint... you gotta disobey one of the instructions. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Which one are you supposed to disobey?

[tarsus]

alright i tried everything,and still do not get it
maybe thats why all the women i loved called me "slo-mo";and i thought it was because i was a good lover.gee thanks for shattering that one to. you are not that guy that when around
exposing all the tricks a few years back are you?

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
alright i tried everything,and still do not get it <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Ok tarsus, calm down, go give your toad a hug, it's not all that difficult. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif Oh wait, yes it is... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Check your PM for explanation. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again.."I SAID, let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the vet,"especially since this is a bus stop!"

---------------------

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed that she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

[missouriboy]

Jon-Marc, when you're told what to concentrate on, and where to look. "Scroo THAT!" Use your good sense to observe EVERYTHING that happens! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Tarsus! Yer makin' me laugh too hard, take it easy willya? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

This is cute!
http://www.americanbridge.com/taters.htm


Silly Stress Reducer


Stressed out after the holiday? Try this to relax a bit.


Just pass your mouse curser over the bears,
but do not press the mouse button down.
http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

I love that stress reducer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

h.w. hugged toad;damn thing sh*t all down the front of me,must have hugged too tight.
missouriboy; can't slow down,women getting younger all the time, old age chasing me in a 60's
era muscle car,and i am in a yugo.
gotta throw the hammer down------ ouch!! damn! hit leg with hammer;aim not what it used to be.
think i will just go take shower and find that damn toad.

hw,

I enjoyed both of those very much. I especially enjoyed knocking down the bears and watching them bounce back up. Hey! I guess I'm just a kid at heart! I like playing the email games I send to my grandkids.

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walked around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging, replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[hw]

Jon-Marc, barelybob and tarsus...glad you enjoyed those sites. One potato, two potato, three potato, four! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus, I said hug your toad, not squeeze the sh*t out of it. Perhaps you should go back to licking toads. BTW... did the toad sh*t ruin a new shirt of a nudist? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

******************************

Expensive Perfume

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw,

I think you come up the best jokes of any of us.

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from the wallet in his pocket, since he had no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented that it must be very difficult not to have his arms and have to ask someone to do everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied--"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

[tarsus]

h.w. have not owned new shirt in years, clothes
don't wear out that often.do have shoe fetish however.love drinking bathtub gin from open toed shoe.for you younger ones it tastes a little like yak p*ss. still licking toad hope for a princess but so far no luck,one looked promising but turned out to be just another toad in princess clothing. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[hw]

Yak, yak, yak tarsus. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Jon-Marc are you a fisherman? Well here's a fish story for you... Hmmmm maybe I should have dedicated it to my other buddy...GambleFish. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

The Fisherman's Family


One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They set in provisions on their ship, said their goodbyes and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

A whole year passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea, when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

h.w. if you saying i should shut up,then i will shut up. i am not like some people who will not shut up and just keep talking. i know when to shut up and will do just that.some people its just talk,talk,talk,you know?well i am not like that.i can take a hint,no need to hit me with a hammer!why i know people never shut up no matter how many times you drop a hint.hey did i tell you about one who never stopped talking? well they-------------- /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

tarsus I would never tell you:
h.w. if you saying i should shut up,then i will shut up.

I reserve the s/u-word for special occasions and or people. I never tell my friends to shut up. Sometimes I tell the voices of my friends to pipe down, though. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Nice to see you back in the saddle and riding high. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Watch out for saddle sores...they can be a pain-in-the-a*s! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Remember tarsus..." You have the right to remain silent". "Anything you say can and will be used against you ". /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

silent? silence?? to cease to be heard??? never i say not till they pry the megaphone from my cold dead hands! i shall be heard,i will be heard, my voice shall ring across the land,i ride the world of cyber-space,championing the causes i belive in. i am the voice of the people,the mouth of the south,from the highest mountain to the darkest valley,i shall carry my message!for i also have a dream.is it any wonder my a*s is sore? i have to get a new donkey and turn this one out to pasture.
gotcha.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
silent? silence?? to cease to be heard??? never i say not till they pry the megaphone from my cold dead hands! i shall be heard,i will be heard, my voice shall ring across.... i am the voice of the people,the mouth of the south,from the highest mountain to the darkest valley,i shall carry my message!
gotcha. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus....could you keep the noise down to a dull ROAR? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''"


Gotcha.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[DeweyND]

ROFL....

HW, WHERE do you get all these????

Hope your having a Happy New(d) Year in your part of the world.

Dewey /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DeweyND:
ROFL....

HW, WHERE do you get all these???? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Voice Mail, where else? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hope your having a Happy New(d) Year in your part of the world.

Dewey /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif [/QUOTE]


Dewey...it is much too cold to be nude for too long right now. Jack Frost iced my buds this am...and the fog has come back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif The good news is it is about 50 right now and the sun is trying to break through! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Happy New'd Year to you too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

classick,classick h.w.
but i am the true lion of winter,and while i am no longer the maned,young lion-king of the pride,i am still pretty!when you are one of the beautful people;it really is hard to be humble.
i concede this round while i go lick my wounds,but the dawn will bring a new day,and my sharp as fine cheese wit will once more be in the forefront.you will not top this one for it shall be my finest moment. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[stevenf64]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DeweyND:
ROFL....

HW, WHERE do you get all these????


Dewey /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Dewey
Dont let her kid you.... SHE lives most of them, she just changes the peoples names to protect herself.....sniff sniff whats the matter hw did you roar again... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Naturist Mark]

Has anyone seen Gamblefish lately? I think this shirt must belong to him:

http://www.ebaynham.com/Merchant2/graphics/featuredprod_disg.gif

Bumper Stickers:

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"There's too much blood in my alcohol system."

"WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship."

"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."

"God must love stupid people. He made so many of them."

"I said 'no" to drugs, but they just won't listen."

"I took an IQ test, and the results were negative."

[hw]

You guys are too much!!!! ROFLMAO /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus...are you sure it's your wounds you're licking? I thought you prefered Toad Licking? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Steve...you shouldn't sniff sniff too close to tarsus...remember he roars now. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Mark...I think our buddy fish must have lost his shirt in that game he was playing. You know the one: Post Office. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Jon-Marc....great bumper stickers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

Dewey...it is much too cold to be nude for too long right now. Jack Frost iced my buds this am...and the fog has come back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif The good news is it is about 50 right now and the sun is trying to break through! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif


Good lord, HW!! Get a grip on yourself!!!! The high temp in these parts is in single digits with a wind chill in the double digits below ....and I still retrieve the morning paper off the front porch...nude!! (under the cover of 0430 darkness)


That reminds me of a couple of female Navy recruits from Texas a few years back. They were both saying how they couldn't wait to go to their "A"School in Pensacola. "It's so cold here" To which I replied " What cold? It's a nice balmy 22degrees(F)out there! (now with a phoney Scottish accent) Now, lassies. Wait for it, when the high temp is below zero, and the wind starts a'whippen off the lake.., and the cold just sinks into ye bones....Aye lass now thats cold." The department Chief Petty Officer, from northern Minnesota, thus also knows a bit about poked his head out of his door, and said "Fred, I heard that....and I was shivvering. Goodjob."

[hw]

Fred....
Good lord, HW!! Get a grip on yourself!!!! The high temp in these parts is in single digits with a wind chill in the double digits below ....and I still retrieve the morning paper off the front porch...nude!! (under the cover of 0430 darkness)

I sure hope you don't get locked out of the house in the cold and dark. If you ever do I know Suntied always carries a spare hammer for just such an emergency. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Got a sign for these people? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."

That warning is the first place winner of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label Contest. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest warning labels.

"Wacky warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," Robert B. Dorigo Jones, president of the nonprofit Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch group, said in the news release announcing the contest winners. "It used to be that if someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy. Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney."

Second place: On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions."
Third place: On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use as a ladder."
Fourth place: A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read!

Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for your amusement and amazement:

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding."
A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."
A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."
A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
A bathroom heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes."
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."
"Do not use snow blower on the roof."
"Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Gorgeous day in SF Bay Area Today..Clear sunny blue sky and a high near 60...
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders ,using a bowl of lifesavers.He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers ,one at a time ,and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: "Red.... cherry,"
"Yellow....lemon."
"Green......lime,"
"Orange.....orange,"
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.After eating them for a few moments ...none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well,"he said," I'll give you a clue.Its what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her lifesaver and yelled, " Oh My Gosh!! They're a**holes!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

More Bumper Stickers: The first one is dedicated to you hw:

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

I have the body of a god---Buddha

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.

Illerate? Write for help.

Honk if anything falls off.

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.

This isn't my idea of a good time.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.

This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.

I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere.

Gone crazy, be back soon.

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

[tarsus]

a young man wanted to purchase a gift for his sweethearts birthday,and as they had not been dating very long, he decided on a pair of gloves.
romantic,but not too personal.accompanied by his sister he went to the store and bought a pair of white gloves,while his sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. during wraping,the clerk mixed up the items,without checking the young man enclosed the following note to his sweetheart:
"my dearest sweetheart:this is to show you i am keeping tab of your birthday,i chose these because i noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. if it hadn't been for my sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons,but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.these are a light shade,but the lady i bought them from showed me a pair she had worn for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. i had her try yours on for me and she looked really good. i did not know your size but i should know more then anyone else. after you put them on a few times they will slip on more easily. i wish i was there to put them on you the first time,as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before i have a chance to see you again. when you take them off,remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. if you don't they will shrink. just think how many times i will kiss the back of them during the coming year.i hope you wear them for me friday night.all my love.
p.s. the clerk said it is the latest style to wear them open and hanging down.

condensed because it is long; check and checkmate. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus,

That was very good. I would like to know what the lady thought when she got them and read the note.

LETTER TO ANN LANDERS

Dear Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for raping most of his female patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet 16, and we are going to marry as soon as she can excape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Astec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I'm worried that my family won't make a good impression on her. In your opinion, should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

[hw]

I got this in an email from a non-nudist friend. Looks like we have progress people! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Antiterrorism Tactics


MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY


AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY
NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.


CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.


ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK
ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE, AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.


THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Jon-Marc....I like that bumper sticker! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I think the lady that got the panties by mistake probably said, "They fit like a glove". /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[NakedGary]

Not at 4PM eastern HW.....

its dark in half the country at that time!

12:00 Noon Eastern Time would be better

NakedGary

[NakedGary]

HW

We could also have airline stew's walk naked up and down cabin if they suspect terrorist aboard!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NakedGary:
Not at 4PM eastern HW.....

its dark in half the country at that time!

12:00 Noon Eastern Time would be better

NakedGary <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gary I disagree. 12:00 Noon EST would be 9:00 am PST and with the Fog we've had the last few days, it just wouldn't work. We must be seen, our voices heard, our glasses raised to defeat the terrorists!

Sa-lute! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[missouriboy]

Hmmmmm..... my 740th post! Now my number of posts is going match my Member #. Just as soon as I make 3000 more posts! Maybe I should learn to emulate MikeJB.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[hw]

Congratulations Moboy! Maybe you can dress up your member number a little with this one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Jon-Marc I sure hope you like this one, I picked it just for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw,

I loved it! It was hilarious!

Here are some Clinton Bumper Stickers: Even though he's not president, they're still funny.

HONK if you had sex with the President.
Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
Adultery IS NOT a family value.
Does character matter YET?
One more ***** and we get Gore.
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat.
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student.
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility.
Jail to the Chief.
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President.
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail.
Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father.

[hw]

Jon-Marc...ROFLMAO /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
*****************************************

Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."
*********************************************

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.
"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."

"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."

"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw,

My question is: if the farmer only had one bed, where did he sleep--with his daughter?

THE GOOD, BAD, AND UGLY!

Good: You and your hubby agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad. He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you!

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy years ago.

-------------------

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

-------------------

After a meeting with the pope, Bill Clinton announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied, "The Ten Commandments."

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw,
My question is: if the farmer only had one bed, where did he sleep--with his daughter? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jon-Marc I think tarsus answered that question in the Jokes thread. My guess would be that the farmer was also a chicken or turkey farmer. He probably slept out in the plucking barn. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
THE GOOD, BAD, AND UGLY! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>THE REST OF THE STORY!

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early. (Gamblefish?)
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

[tarsus]

plucking barn? how did i get involved in this?
want to know where your chicken really comes from? i didn't think so. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif . well i am gonna tell you anyway! it comes from---an egg /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif .

Missouriboy,

Those were my rejects that I didn't particularly like.

----------------

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, "I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane."

Hillary says, "Oh yeah? Well, I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane."

Chelsea says, "I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!"

--------------------

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and brings a friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

[hw]

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author
of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the
floor.

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can
be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of
spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any
customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

As always, hw, that was hilarious.

Great Truths About Life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.

5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose the cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Thanks hw and Jon-Marc...And I thought my wife had spilled her creamer on the mousepad....I have a plaque on the wall..." raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb..Oh! and I almost forgot...I get" Miles" with my Kellogs "Bran Buds"

[hw]

Hey guys...I don't mean to get all serious on you, but I thought I'd share this with you. Odie I think you will be particularly interested. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif


It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

Why are we still there?

We occupy this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing.

Why are we still there?

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

Why are we still there?

It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

And to repeat. Every day we hear of more and more Americans killed in this dangerous land.

It is clear! . . . . . . .
..
..
..
...
We must abandon California


Gotcha! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

Jon-Marc:
"3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring."

Yeppers on that! My own workout motto is "No pain, no pain!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometiems I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

--------------

A little boy comes running into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because Grandma says that as soon as you croak, we can got to Disneyland!"

---------------

Old Folks' Party Games:

10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc, Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It

[tarsus]

jon-marc that one about the toad. i knew i would get another convert. h.w. has the recipe something about eye of newt and wing of bat. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
h.w.-- tag you're it.
signed: the monster,fresh from doing the mash at the bash. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

tarsus buddy...what kind of monster are you? Do you sport an Addams apple? Are you a Gooda Munster with cheese on "It"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/display.pd?path=31833&bfrom=1&prodnum=3055128&

"It"...you're tagged! Don't let this Fester too long, Uncle.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

alright h.w. i will be back monday. work calls
and all i do is work fall into bed and work for three days. but i will come roaring back with a whole new set of recipes.
how about moms recipe for frog legs? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
alright h.w. work calls
and all i do is work fall into bed and work for three days. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmmmmmmmm really? Sounds like a Dream job to me. If you work from bed for three days do you get paid over time, or for under cover work? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

How to use the Southern Drawl

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJAH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from
him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup
truck, that things gonna catch far."

Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and
Y'all."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
(Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern
most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern
Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the
movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting
for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very
friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright
civil rats.)

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently
toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

WARSH - verb. To clean.

SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

HW,

I don't believe that you are a redneck, but it is obvious that you have sat with them at the supper table a time or two.

Thanks for the laughs!

[barelybob]

I had a great aunt who's favorite exclamation was "Wail Hail!". Translation: Well H*ll! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
HW,
I don't believe that you are a redneck, but it is obvious that you have sat with them at the supper table a time or two.
Thanks for the laughs! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You're welcome Trailscout. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I have sat with all types at the supper table. I enjoy listening to stories from the good ole days, as well as accents from people of different regions of this country.

Even words we use today, may vary from state to state. On the west coast we say soda, while the midwest uses the term pop. I have heard that the people of the deep south say, "What kind of Coke do you want?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Can you explain the term Hose Pipe?

BTW...I have been known to have a red neck after spending too much time in the sun without my sunscreen. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

i got to get in on this one!
hose pipe? as in anatomy? /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif
i have heard hoes bag. and around here its "coke"
country,but to the north a little ways its "pepsi country". /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
well i remember the days when more things were like that; out west coffee came in smaller cans,pampers were not advailable in flordia, nobody ever heard of "mountain dew"[the pop not the moonshine] outside of a few states.
heres one "ale 8 one" its a pop you love or you hate it, has ginger in it. till a few years ago you could not even get it in all of kentucky, just central kentucky.
sorry got carried away there for a minute,it happens sometimes, you'll get over it /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[tarsus]

for all you out there. that was my voices talking to h.w.s voices. seems they chose to ignore me for better company, as she cooks for hers /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

tarsus don't tax your brain trying to deal with jealous voices. I was trying to find out what words and phrases we use in different parts of the country.

I know a lady from South Carolina who used the term hose pipe. It is what we call a faucet. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
I know a lady from South Carolina who used the term hose pipe. It is what we call a faucet. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wheew! I thought it was that limp thing that sometimes isn't so limp! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Jochanaan]

P.S. hw, since I don't know your vices, they don't--uh--never mind. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...in any way, shape, or forum? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I have a confession to make, hw. I stole that line! And used it in another forum. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. (No, I haven't sold it to enrich myself. I may be a pun thief but I'm not crass!)

Can you forgive me? /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...in any way, shape, or forum? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I have a confession to make, hw. I stole that line! And used it in another forum. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. (No, I haven't sold it to enrich myself. I may be a pun thief but I'm not crass!)
Can you forgive me? /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nothing to forgive my fellow Joch-ster! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Isn't that the sincerest form of fattery? (pun intended). /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

faucet /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif what the h*ll is a faucet?
oh, you mean a tap /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .
well i was gonna eat a tube steak,but all out,no "round steak",or dog meat. hmmmm.
yes i am gonna starve. well now i want a slaw burger,and a ski.wait a minute i found some "goose liver". care to figure that one out h.w.?

[hw]

Let's see tarsus, you said: well now i want a slaw burger,and a ski.wait a minute i found some "goose liver". care to figure that one out h.w.?

Slaw burger sounds like a vegetarian dish. Ski, as in Brew-ski? Then there is the "Goose Liver". That just sounds yucky, but I suppose you could play Pa`te Cake with the liver. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Rex]

Faucet in America, tap in England and Australia.
The plumbers' term is **** , bibcock for an ordinary tap, hosecock for a tap with a threaded end, to take a garden hose fitting.
In these "politically correct" times, "**** " is not generally used in Western Australia, at least not in hardware stores catering mainly to the general public.
Male and female pipe fittings, [think about it, if you are not familiar with these terms], still seem to be designated that way, but for how much longer, if the super-sensitive ones have their way.

[Rex]

I'm amazed.
The unmentionable word, [unless teamed with bib, or hose], is in my Funk and Wagnalls US dictionary as meaning "faucet", and in my Collins English dictionary, as meaning "tap".
Also included in my Oxford electronic spellchecker and thesaurus, and in my Roget's International Thesaurus, as a synonym for "faucet" and "tap".
In Bali, they still have fighting *****. Perhaps some people think this is an interesting variation thought up by the Puppetry of the Penis people.

[Trailscout]

You don't have to look as far as Bali to find fighting gamecocks. I have met a few fellows in Georgia who raise them "for show".

I have heard of a tap, but only as a means of accessing a barrel of beer.

We generally refer to "faucets" as the fixtures of indoor sinks and "spigots" on the end of water pipes outdoors.

A few contrary folks drink Pepsi, but coke was invented a few miles down the road and it is our primary source of refreshment, well maybe next to iced tea. In rural towns, you used to be able to find lesser known brands of soft drink, such as Buffalo Rock, Nehi, RC Cola, Chocolate Soldier, and Orange Crush.

A bit of Coca Cola trivia: Mexico is the only place I know that still offers the same formula of Coca Cola that we drank in the 1960's, with the tangier sucrose rather than the insipid fructose. I always buy Mexican coke when I can get it. Ay Caramba!

I never heard the word "soda" until I was a grown man and met someone from the midwest who used it. I finally figured out that she was talking about
what we call a "cold drink".

[hw]

So there you have it boys and girls. There are many words used to describe one item or thing. I know there are some words used on these BB's from the guys in other countries and sometimes I have a heck of a time trying to figure out the meaning. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout, I thought the cold drink of choice in the south would be Mint Julep. Oh deer...there go those voices again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...Isn't that the sincerest form of fattery? (pun intended). /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow! Heavy, dude! But I'm glad you were honest enough to admit you intended the pun. I never would have believed you if you said it was unintended; you've dealt out far more punishment than I can bare--and, like most here, I've bared it all!

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Trailscout, I thought the cold drink of choice in the south would be Mint Julep. Oh deer...there go those voices again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So, Duhhhhh! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Trailscout]

Mint juleps are the drink of low country plantation masters who have the luxury of sitting on their shaded porch and surveying their vast holdings from the comfort of a rocking chair.

Most of us in the uplands are yeoman farmers, who refrain from alcohol while we are out toiling in the fields. In the summer heat, it wouldn't take much strong liquor to make you dizzy. And we certainly aren't giving alcohol to our kids or our field hands!

My Tennessee ancestors made fine whiskey from the spring water of our homestead and the corn that grew on our bottomlands. But a wise man keeps the cork firmly planted on the whiskey jug most of the time.

Iced tea is fairly new to the South, not much older than carbonated bottled drinks, but it has become enormously popular during our long hot summers.

[tarsus]

trailscout: mint juleps are almost a requirement at the kentucky derby also. don't really taste that good,but you have to drink them to look cool.
i remenber some of those drinks mentioned in earlier post also. some are still around here,but very limted in area. we also have "double cola". while it used to be in a fairly wide area, it is now only advailable,in a a few counties here in kentucky.[they are the ones that make ski,tastes something like mountain dew,but not just like it]. i think life was more fun when you could only get some things in some areas,not like now where everything is sold based on what appeals to the masses. flash back to early days, voices calling me must respond. now they are telling me to remove clothing and experience the freedom of being. oh wait a minute,i forgot ----------

[hw]

voices calling me must respond. now they are telling me to remove clothing and experience the freedom of being. oh wait a minute,i forgot ----------

Wow tarsus you sound just like my buddy Suntied! Speaking of Suntied...Welcome back! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Watch the Mudflaps Buddy! With all that snow and slush they could get as messy as the Nude Runs! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
I never heard the word "soda" until I was a grown man and met someone from the midwest who used it. I finally figured out that she was talking about
what we call a "cold drink". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>In my neck of the midwest we know what you mean when you say "Soda", but we normally call it "Pop". "Soda Pop" is a very old-timey version. The word "Pop" is slowly being phased out in favor of "soft drink". How white bread...

I've heard of midwesterners in the deep south asking for pop and getting laughter in return -apparently it can be interpreted as a request for a slugging, or a quick romantic encounter...

-Mark

[Rex]

It was "pop" in England, when I was a kid, don't know about now.
"Cool drink" in Australia.
Back in the 1950s, US singer Guy Mitchell, with Mitch Miller's Orchestra, had a big hit with "Sippin' Soda".
"The prettiest girl, I ever saw,
Sat sippin' soda, through a straw."

[Trailscout]

I never heard of "pop" either, except as something a weasel does after he has chased a monkey for a while.

I learned the "Sippin'" song in 1969 as sipping cider, not soda. No one would have understood the meaning otherwise.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
How white bread...
-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Ok Mark can you explain this one to me? I have never heard this expression before. Does it mean ordinary? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Ok Mark can you explain this one to me? I have never heard this expression before. Does it mean ordinary? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes: ordinary, boring, flavorless... Like Pat Boone singing Tutti Frutti, it has all the notes, but none of the soul.

[David77]

In my part of the midwest we never call it "pop". We call it "soda".

[Rex]

I've got the LP, Guy Mitchell 20 Golden Greats, and it's on there as "Sippin' Soda".
On the net, I found the Columbia CD, The Best of Guy Mitchell, and a currently available version by The Shells, [whoever they are], and on both it's listed as "soda".
When my eldest daughter was a young teenager, she was the "pretty girl" of the song, in her school concert, and they sang, "Sippin Cider", and I wondered why.
Although we didn't generally use the term "soda" in England for "pop", I think we knew what it meant, but maybe they didn't know in Australia.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
In my neck of the midwest we know what you mean when you say "Soda", but we normally call it "Pop". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey, where you from? It was "pop" in rural Nebraska where I grew up too--still is, AFAIK. If you asked for soda you were likely to get a box of baking soda. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif But here in the big city of Denver it's soda. East/West Coast influence, you know.

[hw]

I'd like to keep this "Off Topic", so Rex tell us some other terms you use in Australia. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Pop can be a soft drink, a slug (hit, smack, clobber) or a father.

Mark thanks for the info. on the White Bread. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

h.w. would like the recipe for wheat bread also?
also can give you info on "headcheese",rocky mountain oysters,deep fried frog legs. best way to cook eel, blue ribbon winner "blackberry jam cake" wait a minute how did that get in there?
will you be quiet? i am not giving out that receipe,it took so long to make it and anyway i will never have that receipe again. [shakes head in confusion too many voices at once].now were was i? also have great receipe for mushroom soup.[must fight cannibel voice]. has anybody seen toad? his name was abraham m. john. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Rex]

Hi hw and everyone,
I joined this thread at the end, so I thought I'd better go to the beginning and see what it's all about, and I did that, and I'm no wiser.
I did see some nice posts from outdoorbare, and, like everyone else, I'm looking forward to seeing some more!
hw asked me what they say in Australia. I've got to be careful what I say here, because I came here from England 42 years ago in July. I'm what is known as a "ten pound Pom".
It's not easy to get permanent residency in Australia now, if you happen to come from one of those strange foreign countries like England, but 40 odd years ago, they sent their most persuasive talkers to England to convince us it was the land of milk and honey.
I looked on the weather map, decided I liked the look of Perth, and that I wanted to live near the beach, in a good climate. [I think it was 102F today, that's good!]
Now for the "ten pound Pom" bit.
The price of a 4 week ocean cruise was ten pounds sterling per adult, and nothing for kids. That's about US$5. [Maybe I've got that wrong, but it's getting late, and I'm having a glass or two of Australian Red Lambrusco, and it doesn't really matter, it's peanuts.]
"Pom" is the Australian word for English person. Now and again, someone writes to the paper and says it is a racist term. It has never bothered me, that's what I, and many others, would call ourselves.
I grew up in Yorkshire, where the dialect is very strong. The Yorkshire dialect is based on "Middle English", which was spoken in England in Mediaeval times, and is as different to modern English as Latin is to Italian. It also has a lot of Norse words, from the Vikings, who raided, and later settled, parts of NE and E England.
In order to make myself understood, I knew I had to speak plain English to foreigners like people from London, or Australia.
Despite my strong accent, I tend to be a stickler for correct pronunciation, and, in that respect, Australians could easily drive me wild, if I let it bother me.
Like this thread, I've completely lost my train of thought, so ask me anything else, if you feel it's worth the effort.

[hw]

Rex/Pom...welcome to this thread and the BB's! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Since this is "Off Topic Fun Stuff" feel free to post anything you like here. Jokes are more than welcome. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

You should see more jokes whenever Jon-Marc gets back online after his move to Turtle Lake. He is living the life many of us can only dream of, but I'm sure he will be back soon. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Wow 102 yesterday? It was only in the 60's here in central CA. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Of course it seems our buddy who lives in Kentucky may be stuck in the 60's and/or 70's and had a Three Dog Night. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

tarsus, Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog....Was a good friend of mine....I never understood a single word he said....But I helped him drink his wine..... /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Maybe Jeremiah has seen your toad. Have you checked out Disneyland? They used to have "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride".
Ride 'em cowboy....Hee Haw! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

Jochanaan, I know what you mean. I visited my inlaws in Chicago, and they ribbed the hell out of me because I called it soda rather than pop. I am a native of Denver and have always called it that.

Now my grandfather, in the Ozarks of Missouri, used to call it sodipop.

Sometimes, just for fun, I like to call it,"Brown,carbonated,sugar water"

[tarsus]

h.w. if you heard some of the stuff that passes for music now you would say "take me home country roads". i do admit to liking nora jones, however,
don't see how she sells any music. shes pretty got a good voice,and is not punched with more holes then a swiss cheese,nor does her performance put one in mind of a drugged up hog on a slippery slope. most of them today sound like a camel in pain. by the way i never liked walt dizzy,he drained thousands of acres of swamp to put up a park run by a mouse,that cost an arm and leg to get into,then you have to sell your first born to get a sandwich that tastes like one of my old shoes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif give me a stump to stand on,i'll never shut up.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
h.w. if you heard some of the stuff that passes for music now you would say "take me home country roads". most of them today sound like a camel in pain. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus I have heard some of the stuff that passes for music today. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif After all, I do have a teenager. Some of it also sounds like Linda Blair; possessed.

Exorcise your rights to listen to music you like.


<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> give me a stump to stand on,i'll never shut up. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You've got me Stumped with that one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[OZJames]

Hi Rex, I read some of this post, its a bit like the song American Pie !!! A great song but I don't know what it means - anybody know ???

Its been about 100F here today Hunter Valley where the good wine is - like California.

JAMES

[Rex]

American Pie-----The Day The Music Died.
Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper all died, when their small plane went down in a snowstorm, well over 40 years ago.
Don McLean's tribute song.

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

OzJames, I woke up to -12 yesterday. But in truth,I deal with extreme cold better than 100+.
Got that Celtic blood thing goin'

[Trailscout]

Winter's not over here, either. Chances are good for frost in the next couple of days. I can knock the frost off my shoes and scrape my windshield, but I am a poor sport about cold rain. Well, most years spring flowers will greet us in three more weeks. It won't be much warmer, but the new life brightens my outlook.

Rex, I have only been to southern England and I have met a few people from Manchester, so I don't know what it would be like to hear Yorkish spoken. Are any of the words different?

[Nude in the North]

Frost???

Today was the first day the temperature went above freezing for over a month. There have only been 5 days so far this year that it hasn't snowed.

Winter ends around here about the end of March.

Steve

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nude in the North:
Frost??? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Steve, you gotta understand that to Georgians, frost is something they occasionally see outdoors in February. Not on the bathroom mirror every morning like us'n.

-Mark

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
Not on the bathroom mirror every morning like us'n.
-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Mark you have frost on the bathroom mirror in the mornings? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Where is your bathroom located, outside of your house ? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
also can give you info on "headcheese",rocky mountain oysters,deep fried frog legs. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No one's taken tarsus up on this? Well, I can't give you the exact recipe for headcheese or frog legs, but as for rocky mountain oysters, let's just say that when you eat them you have a ball! Twice! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

Don't forget the Rocky Mnt. Rooster! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Mark you have frost on the bathroom mirror in the mornings? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Where is your bathroom located, outside of your house ? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL

Silly people from Kah-lee-fornia think that the cold stops at the outside walls in winter. Ha!

Unless you have a new house built like a thermos bottle you'll find cold spots throughout the house, even with a furnace that is raging strong enough that you get Valentine's cards from OPEC.

It's not as bad as it sounds though, just because there is a little bit of frost here and there doesn't mean it is uncomfortable.
http://www.icehotel.com/english/images/icehotel/303b.jpg

-Mark

[Trailscout]

Well, Mark a picture paints a thousand words. Living in that Ohio ice cave of yours, no wonder your bathroom mirror is crusted over with frost!

[hw]

Wow Mark that looks really coooooold! Guess I'll just have to endure these cold 60's we've been having for a little while longer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Spring is just around the corner and it looks like I may be getting some more "Naked Ladies" in my yard again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Have a great weekend all... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

My pool temperature is 90F.
Tomorrow, the day of the Swanbourne Nude Olympics, forecast 95F. Monday and Tuesday 100F.
I was born in London, but grew up in a big country village, west of the city of Leeds, going into the Pennines.
Yes, Trailscout, the Yorkshire dialect has many words and phrases that aren't in the English language. Even people coming from different parts of Yorkshire don't always understand every word. So, except to one another, we use plain English.
The most snow I remember was 1947, when we had 60 inches.
Another time, we had a 4 day blizzard, and the nearby highway just disappeared. We were living in a caravan, [in the US, a trailer].
The water system and bottled gas froze, the curtains were iced to the windows, and the soap was iced to the basin. The eggs in the kitchen froze solid and cracked. I'm told Britain doesn't have winters like that anymore.

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
]Mark you have frost on the bathroom mirror in the mornings? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Where is your bathroom located, outside of your house ? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>HW , haven't you ever heard of an outhouse?

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Where is your bathroom located, outside of your house ? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>HW , haven't you ever heard of an outhouse? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes I have heard of them Fred. I've even had the Privy-lege of using them a few times. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I think it's time to go visit Rex and his pool. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif (Sorry I'm a little off topic...maybe I should have posted this on Dream Vacation). /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:

Spring is just around the corner and it looks like I may be getting some more "Naked Ladies" in my yard again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Do you mean the Barenaked Ladies? (http://www.bnlmusic.com/) They are my favorite contempory group. Lucky you!

http://www.bnlmusic.com/goodies/galleries/everything/6.jpg (http://www.warnerreprise.com/qt-ref/bnl_brianwilson_ref.mov)

-Mark

[hw]

No Mark that is not what I'm talking about.

This is what I'm talking about:

http://www.naturalandnude.com/nakedlady.jpg

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

let me see if i can catch-up here. headcheese/souse[sp?] are the same thing.
its never gonna warm up here in ky. frost on the windows? i seen ice on the faucet right down to sink.used to work in a place where the water in the toliet froze. not the water line mind you,but the water in the bowl and tank.
hw your naked lady sure better then bare naked ladies any day! i have some ladies also,named iris,lilie etc. also set out faries etc. any if one is laughing,stop it.somebodys got do it. also do not want to hear any more about warm temps,i am freezing.feels like feb. around here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

tarsus to help you get your mind off the cold stuff, I am sending you some warm, fuzzy ducklinks.

Must be duck season....Click on the link below for more duck fun.



Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!


Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Shaybare, are you a duck hunter? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman777/DuckHunting.htm

[shãybare]

hw, I live out in the country. No matter what the hunting season all I do is "DUCK,DUCK".

[tarsus]

must always be duck season there /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
i live in the country also,but with all the horses,cows,sheep,and goats around here,you don't duck,but you sure watch were you step. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
and those da*n hayrolls,they are always loosing them in the roads. these things weigh up to 500 pounds and you got to watch how you drive,as a lot of weaving goes on.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
... you got to watch how you drive,as a lot of weaving goes on. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Here too, but we just bask-in-et. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Shaybare...hope that isn't duck, duck...gooose! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

More Bumper Stickers


# I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

# It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

# I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

# Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

# If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A
Jeep]

# Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

# Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen
On A Restaurant]

# If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?

# Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

# Boldly Going Nowhere

# Cat: The Other White Meat

# Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

# How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

# Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

# Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

# Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition.

# Eat Moose 10,000 Wolfs can't be wrong

# Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

# If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

# It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

# You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

# The Earth Is Full - Go Home

# I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

# This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

# Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

# If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

# The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

# Illiterate? Write For Help

# Honk If Anything Falls Off

# Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

# He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

# I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

# You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

hw,

I told you to quit walking around in those parking lots all day. I've already picked up the change.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
hw,
I told you to quit walking around in those parking lots all day. I've already picked up the change. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh Shaybare please don't change we like you just the way you are. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

SFGIDLIF...QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Tiny]

Well, it looks like I've found the party! I've been reading through the thread, you all have an AWESOME sense of humor! I was ROTFLMAO the entire time! Here's one, seems relevant. I hope it's worthy of your thread:

The female patient was worried. "Doctor, three weeks ago I started peeing quarters! Then two weeks ago it stopped, but I started peeing dimes. Last week it was nickels, and yesterday I started peeing pennies. Can you tell me what's wrong with me?"

The doctor patted her hand. "Relax," he assured her, "you're just going through the change." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Tiny

[Naturist Mark]

The weather is turning here in the midwest. No more frost on my bathroom mirror. Interesting shapes are appearing from under the snow. Temps are shooting up into the 30s and even (yeah!) the 40s.

If it is another warm balmy day like today, I've already warned the office that I feel a bout of anal glaucoma coming on...

What is anal glaucoma? ... when I just can't see my a$$ coming into work.

-Mark

Tiny....Welcome to the forum..And in my opinion...the best part....glad to see you jumping in with your hilarious change story...Have fun most of all
Mark...Glad to see you're defrosted....Hope your AG ailment is not too disabling...Get plenty of rest...Prince...Formerly known as Outdoorbare(Troll kissed by Cyndiann)... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Had to throw in a little change /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

well i don't know about trolls,but i sure kissed me enough frogs in my time,never did find me a princess,but the frog legs sure tasted good. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
i have to go back to work /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif wish i could enjoy this warm weather while it lasts. welcome tiny.i don't know about peeing change,but my kids seem to think i sh*t money,and at the rate they want it i need an enema.

[Rex]

Man walked into a bar, with a frog sitting on his head.
The barman said, "What's that thing you got there?"
And the frog said, "I don't know, mate, it started off as a wart on my ***".

[shãybare]

Tarsus, "the frog legs sure tasted good." Exactly what spot on these frogs were you kissing?

SFGIDLIF..QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

OMG... More voices! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif This thread seems to be "Toad-i-ly" off topic. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Rex...warts can grow into men? Hmmmmmmmm. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Shay and Tiny...stick around....don't change a thing.

Odie...always a pleasure to hear your voice! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

QB...SFGIDLIF /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Mark, glad to hear you are finally getting a spring thaw. Just think, maybe by summer you'll have some of that humidity and heat your neck of the woods is so famous for. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

An old couple had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk with the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

-------------------

An elderly woman went to the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75-years-old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They will help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I want to put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and then I will sleep beter at night!"

[fred950]

A man in a cemetary chanting repeatedly: "Oh whh-hy did you di-ie? Oh wh-hy did did you di-ie?"
Another man approaces and says "Excuse me,sir. I've noticed you at this grave for the past half-hour. I trust the deceiced was a close relitive?"
"No, I never met the man....Oh wh-hy did you ..."
"You say you never met him and yet you carry on like this? Tellme ,who is buried here?"
"My wife's first husband! Oh wh-hy did you...."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

ARE YOU KATLICK??....


Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play
with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a
time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it.
We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means that we're P*sscopalians."
**********************************************

Two Arabs sat in the Gaza strip, chatting over a glass of goat's milk.
One pulled out his wallet, flipped through pictures, and they reminisced.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. Here's my second son.
He's a martyr, too!"

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully said,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

SFGIDLIF.....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
SFGIDLIF.....QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gehsundheit!

-Mark

[shãybare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
SFGIDLIF.....QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gehsundheit!

-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Whatever hw has, she passed on to me. It must be some kind of internet bug.

SFGIDLIF...QB

[Rex]

Talking of Arabs, what do the guys shout out in an Arab strip club?

"Show us your face."

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Whatever hw has, she passed on to me. It must be some kind of internet bug.
SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I disagree Shaybare. Can you prove this? Do you have links to prove this? Did you do a google search? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


Rex, do you suppose there is some deep dark secret we are unaware of as to why the faces as well as every other body part is covered? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif I wonder if the nudist population of a country like that would be 100% male. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm? Well, no matter how about:
******************************************

Never Seen A Priest

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father".

The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many."

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does.

"Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

SFGIDLIF.....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Dear hw,
I didn't want to air this out in open public forum but yes, my prove is I have the "bug", also know as coodies. Everyone is well aware that guys get cooties from girls. I only have one link but it is so short it is often referred to as a li. And while I didn't do a google search (I am not that kind of guy) I do have a dictionary. So there.

SFGIDLIF...QB

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Dear hw,
I didn't want to air this out in open public forum but yes, my prove is I have the "bug", also know as coodies. Everyone is well aware that guys get cooties from girls. I only have one link but it is so short it is often referred to as a li. And while I didn't do a google search (I am not that kind of guy) I do have a dictionary. So there.

SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So which is it Shaybare.. coodies. or
cooties ? While it may be true I am not feeling up to snuff or par, I'd never share my bug with you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I'm not that kind of girl. /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif I will share the voices with you though. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

My dictionary says a li can be 1/3 of a mile. So nanny, nanny, boo-boo! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

SFGIDLIF....QB

[shãybare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Dear hw,
I didn't want to air this out in open public forum but yes, my prove is I have the "bug", also know as coodies. Everyone is well aware that guys get cooties from girls. I only have one link but it is so short it is often referred to as a li. And while I didn't do a google search (I am not that kind of guy) I do have a dictionary. So there.
SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So which is it Shaybare.. coodies. or
cooties ? While it may be true I am not feeling up to snuff or par, I'd never share my bug with you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I'm not that kind of girl. /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif I will share the voices with you though. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

My dictionary says a li can be 1/3 of a mile. So nanny, nanny, boo-boo! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

SFGIDLIF....QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>My dear, sweet, innocent hw,
I always say what I mean even if it doesn't make any sense [especially if it does't make any sense]. So quit trying to read between the lines or li's for that matter.

Cootie: n. sl. a body louse. [perth. f. Malay
kutu a biting parasite.

Coodie: n. sl. a type of lousey, ikky, dinky type something or other that boys can only get from girls.

Ok, so that last one isn't really in the dictionary (yet). But it sounds right. I said, "I do have a dictionary.". I did not say that I used the dictionary. And quit calling me Nanny Nanny you Boo Boo. Why are you attacking such a cute, little person like me?

SFGIDLIF...QB

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
I said, "I do have a dictionary.". I did not say that I used the dictionary. And quit calling me Nanny Nanny you Boo Boo. Why are you attacking such a cute, little person like me?
SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Shay I would never attack a fellow (_E=MC2_). /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Seeing how you are country boy, I thought your goat had an owie. I think you, a cute, little person like me, could make good use of the dictionary by stacking a couple of them on top of each other on a chair so you can see what you are typing on the computer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Just a suggestion buddy. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Now are you totally confused? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If so my work is complete! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif


SFGIDLIF....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

--------------------

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and an elderly spinster looking woman were on a train. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the spinster lady, who must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought, "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde, and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thought, "George put his hand on that blonde, and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thought, "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

[nudeM]

Originally posted by Shaybare: "My dear, sweet, innocent hw,..."

If only you knew. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nudeM:
Originally posted by Shaybare: "My dear, sweet, innocent hw,..."

If only you knew. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well nudeM just for that, here's one for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only
Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?
One of the astronauts replied that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA officer accompanying the astronauts said,
"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So, the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these a--holes. They have come to steal your land." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[tarsus]

i am just going to go away for awhile,talk to my self,as i am confused,i knew i should have took that right turn back there. but before i go shaybare its been sooo long since i kissed anything,i am not sure i remember how.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
My dictionary says a li can be 1/3 of a mile. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>My dear, sweet, innocent hw,
I always say what I mean even if it doesn't make any sense [especially if it does't make any sense]. So quit trying to read between the lines or li's for that matter.

Cootie: n. sl. a body louse. [perth. f. Malay
kutu a biting parasite.

Coodie: n. sl. a type of lousey, ikky, dinky type something or other that boys can only get from girls.

Ok, so that last one isn't really in the dictionary (yet). But it sounds right. I said, "I do have a dictionary.". I did not say that I used the dictionary. And quit calling me Nanny Nanny you Boo Boo. Why are you attacking such a cute, little person like me?

SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>hw and shaybare, I thought you would never tell a li. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif And how'd y'all get onto that lousy subject anyway? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tiny:
The female patient was worried. "Doctor, three weeks ago I started peeing quarters! Then two weeks ago it stopped, but I started peeing dimes. Last week it was nickels, and yesterday I started peeing pennies. Can you tell me what's wrong with me?"

The doctor patted her hand. "Relax," he assured her, "you're just going through the change." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Tiny <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Utterly worthy, Tiny! Welcome!

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
...but before i go shaybare its been sooo long since i kissed anything,i am not sure i remember how. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Tarsus, it's like riding a bicycle. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[shãybare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
My dictionary says a li can be 1/3 of a mile. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>My dear, sweet, innocent hw,
I always say what I mean even if it doesn't make any sense [especially if it does't make any sense]. So quit trying to read between the lines or li's for that matter.

Cootie: n. sl. a body louse. [perth. f. Malay
kutu a biting parasite.

Coodie: n. sl. a type of lousey, ikky, dinky type something or other that boys can only get from girls.

Ok, so that last one isn't really in the dictionary (yet). But it sounds right. I said, "I do have a dictionary.". I did not say that I used the dictionary. And quit calling me Nanny Nanny you Boo Boo. Why are you attacking such a cute, little person like me?

SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>hw and shaybare, I thought you would never tell a li. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif And how'd y'all get onto that lousy subject anyway? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey, Jochanaan. It's all hw's fault. She went a 1/3 of a mile out of her way when she tripped over a li and blamed it on mi. I am completely oblivious to what is and was going on then and now. I am completely ignorant of what was going on except she some how slipped me the coodies. I think she used boo-doo. But I swear I was ignorant of what was happening. Ask anybody, they'll tell you I'm completely ignorant. And besides, Kissing ain't nothing like riding a bike. I don't get tired and I don't pump my legs (most of the time).

SFGIDLIF...QB

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
hw and shaybare, I thought you would never tell a li. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif And how'd y'all get onto that lousy subject anyway? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't know Joke and it has been bugging me. "I li, therefore, I am".

So Jochanaan, a quarter for your thoughts on the subject. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Just my 2 cents worth...and Joke...keep the change. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


SFGIDLIF....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[shãybare]

Change? Change? What change? I don't have nothing to change into. I once dreamed I was magical and tuned into a Burger King. Does that count, dracula?

SFGIDLIF...QB

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Change? Change? What change? I don't have nothing to change into. I once dreamed I was magical and tuned into a Burger King. Does that count, dracula?

SFGIDLIF...QB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This change Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

*********************************************

Tiny

New User
Member # 6451

posted February 19, 2004 02:43 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, it looks like I've found the party! I've been reading through the thread, you all have an AWESOME sense of humor! I was ROTFLMAO the entire time! Here's one, seems relevant. I hope it's worthy of your thread:

The female patient was worried. "Doctor, three weeks ago I started peeing quarters! Then two weeks ago it stopped, but I started peeing dimes. Last week it was nickels, and yesterday I started peeing pennies. Can you tell me what's wrong with me?"

The doctor patted her hand. "Relax," he assured her, "you're just going through the change."

Tiny

--------------------
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2004

********************************************

I don't think we're on the same page, try 16. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

SFGIDLIF....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Dear Maevis,

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, and he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself, "What am I here after?"

Well. I guess growing old isn't so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs!

Your good ole friend, Ethel

[tarsus]

well jon-marc,that reminds me when i had only one ailment,well two but just one at a time. i suffered from chronic pain in the a**. aka wife number one and wife number two.

Well, tarsus, I know how that is. I got tired of sharing wife #1 with a lot of other men including some of my relatives, and I got tired of being constantly criticized by wife #2--I couldn't say or do ANYTHING right. I was just thankful she couldn't read my thoughts.

[nudeM]

So Jon-Marc: Are you trying to say that the "golden years" aren't that golden? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

nudeM,

Being just shy of 58 I haven't reached my "golden years" yet, and I'm in no hurry to do so! With the bad eyesight, bursitis, arthritis, and allergies I suffer from now, I'm not anxious to lose my hair, teeth, and a whole lot more! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Trailscout]

Granny said that times were hard and hungry back on the farm.

"It was winter and dark by supper time. The family home place weren't nothing but a shotgun shack nestled in the snow-covered Tennessee hills. Them winter nights was lit by nothing but an old smoky coal oil lantern. Thar was naught but that lantern to ward off the dark of night.

In them times, meals was mostly beans, collard greens and cornbread unless Grandpa could sneak up the road to steal a chicken from the neighbor's chicken coop and get away before old man Robertson turned his dogs loose.

That night, Grandpa had stolt another chicken and Mama dressed it for the frying pan by the fading light of day. The boys and men come in hungry from a day of cutting timber on the rich banker's land over the ridge. He never knew we was the one who took them trees. We gals was right hungry too as we had no machines to do our chores. As we gathered at the table, many greedy eyes lay fixed on that platter of golden brown hot fried chicken.

They was just enough forks to go around, save one, so Grandpa being the last to the table, had to eat with his hands.

We all made light work of that tender bird and soon only a single drumstick was left.

Mama insisted most solemn-like that Grandpa, being the one to provide the meat should have call on the last piece.

Suddenly the dim light from the lantern gave out, plunging our house into darkness.

But in the darkness we heard the sickening sound of countless forks stabbing flesh and immediately a scream like a wildcat nigh curdled our blood.

Fretful and worrysome, Mama relit the lantern and as the light returned to the table, we saw Grandpa's twitching right hand clutching the chicken drumstick and every fork in the house piercing his bony hand.

Grandpa's chicken flinching days was over, as his hand weren't never quite right from then on. None of the rest of us was quite as sly a thief as Grandpa, so we ate a lot more possum from then on, but for the sake of politeness called it 'four-legged chicken'.

If you should ever come to supper back at the home place in Tennessee, be you honored guest or kin, best you bring your own fork!"

I grinned and looked up at Granny and the smile faded from my face when I saw that she was not joking.

[hw]

Trailscout it sounds like grandpa got right forked that night! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif You should really write a book someday and include all these stories and homspun tales. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

-----------------------------------------------

Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"


SFGIDLIF.....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hw..."...bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does"...Aaaaack!...My beard is staying put... forget those close shaves /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Hey guys, talking about close shaves, I'd like to tell you about a close shave I had in the Australian outback but unfortunately...I've never been there. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

SFGIDLIF...QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Yuk! I'm just glad I do my own shaving even if it's not as close as I like. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

Speaking of shaving...how about these little shavers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose
face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I
love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, " Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy peered intensely into his grandma's face, thought for a moment, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
------------------------------------------------


A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

------------------------------------------------

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
------------------------------------------------

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

------------------------------------------------

At the head table in the cafeteria of a Catholic school, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of
bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note, which read "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl was scrawled
a little note which read: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Tiny]

Can we please CHANGE the subject? I'm starting to get razor burn! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

A man is sitting in his house watching TV, when there's a knock at the door. He opens it and a snail is on the doorstep. He picks it up and throws it as far as he can....Three years later there's a knock at the door. He opens it and the snail says, "What was THAT for?!?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Tiny

[OZJames]

The man says, becaue I am a kind nudist and if you come into my house and yard you may eat my vegetables and if you did I would be forced to squash you so flat it would be painful - to me and especially you !!!

Is it fair, just because we are powerful, to routinely squash and kill insects, ants, flys and millions of other harmless creatures. Is that why the human race is so agreesive and seems to endlessly go to war.

JAMES

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw..."...bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does"...Aaaaack!...My beard is staying put... forget those close shaves /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No s /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif !

hw, those were great.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[TXK NUDE]

Born Before 1985? Then You Are...
...OLD! And here's proof. Every year Beloit College in Beloit, Wisconsin publishes what it calls "The Mindset List"--fun facts and figures about the incoming crop of freshmen so professors will be able to relate to their new students.
So to better understand how the class of 2007 thinks, read this and feel your age:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. There has been only one pope in their lifetime.
5. They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
6. Pete Rose has always been a gambler.
7. Bert and Ernie are old enough to be their parents.
8. An automatic is a weapon, not a transmission.
9. Russian leaders have always looked like leaders everyplace else.
10. The snail darter has never been endangered.
11. There has always been a screening test for AIDS.
12. Gas has always been unleaded.
13. They never heard Howard Cosell call a game on ABC.
14. The United States has always had a Poet Laureate.
15. Garrison Keillor has always been live on public radio and Lawrence Welk has always been dead on public television.
16. Their families drove SUVs without "being fuelish."
17. There has always been some association between fried eggs and your brain.
18. They would never leave their calling card on someone's desk.
19. They have never been able to find the "return" key.
20. Computers have always fit in their backpacks.
21. Datsuns have never been made.
22. They have never gotten excited over a telegram, a long distance call, or a fax.
23. The Osmonds are just talk show hosts.
24. Undergraduate college athletes have always been a part of the NBA and NFL draft.
25. They have always "grazed" for food.
26. Three-point shots from "downtown" have always been a part of basketball.
27. Test tube babies are now having their own babies.
28. Stores have always had scanners at the checkout.
29. The Army has always driven Humvees.
30. Adam and PC Junior computers had vanished from the market before this generation went online.
31. The Statue of Liberty has always had a gleaming torch.
32. They have always had a pin number.
33. Banana Republic has always been a store, not a puppet government in Latin America.
34. Car detailing has always been available.
35. Directory assistance has never been free.
36. The Jaycees have always welcomed women as members.
37. There has always been Lean Cuisine.
38. They have always been able to fly Virgin Atlantic.
39. There have never been dress codes in restaurants.
40. Doctors have always had to deal with "reasonable and customary fees" and patients have always had controls placed on the number of days they could stay in a hospital.
41. They have always been able to make photocopies at home.
42. Michael Eisner has always been in charge of Disney.
43. They have always been able to make phone calls from planes.
44. Yuppies are almost as old as hippies.
45. Rupert Murdoch has always been an American citizen.
46. Strawberry Fields have always been in New York.
47. Rock n' roll has always been a force for social good. 48. Killer bees have always been swarming in the U.S.
49. They have never seen a first lady in a fur coat.
50. Don Imus has always been offending someone in his national audience.

[hw]

TXK NUDE if what you say is true, my two oldest kids are Old! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif So I guess that makes me ancient. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Well this thread is going to the dogs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

How many dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1) Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2) Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3) Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4) Rottweiler: Make me.
5) Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6) Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7) German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that noone has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8) Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9) Old English Sheep Dog: Light Bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
10) Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11) Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.
12) Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is. Right there...
13) Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14) Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
15) Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear; he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real questionis: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want..
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7) They're moody.
8) They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1) Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They leave their toys everywhere.
8) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9) They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Very good hw... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I can't decide whether I'm a Golden Retreiver or an Austrailian Shepard...Woof woof...Shake my hand I'm really friendly...Sorry ..gotta go round up those sheep /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

i will just bring the keg,we will all move to a room with a working light,and party the night away. i was not mentioned in that list,care to take a stab in the dark ?

[hairyhomer]

Hey hw i would be the Border Collie, in my line of work people call me to check their shorts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
i was not mentioned in that list,care to take a stab in the dark ? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus are your Trailscout's Grandpa? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Trailscout
Registered Forum User
Member # 111
posted February 24, 2004 10:57 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mama insisted most solemn-like that Grandpa, being the one to provide the meat should have call on the last piece.
Suddenly the dim light from the lantern gave out, plunging our house into darkness.
But in the darkness we heard the sickening sound of countless forks stabbing flesh and immediately a scream like a wildcat nigh curdled our blood.
------------------------------------------------

Here's one that's sure to tickle your fancy! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...

I just lost it!

"CASE DISMISSED!!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

SFGIDLIF...Q/B /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
Hey hw i would be the Border Collie, in my line of work people call me to check their shorts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hi hairyhomer have you had any shocking experiences? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif With a name like hairyhomer in your line of work I would imagine you may have had some hair raising experiences at least. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

SFGIDLIF.....Q/B /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...have you had any shocking experiences? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Every time I try to change that blasted light bulb! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Are any of those dogs procrastinators? That's the one I would be, "Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow." I would just use another light that works. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

By the way, I need to update my avatar since I've lost weight and regrown my beard. I will as soon as I can get a computer that works properly, and a new digital camera. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Rex]

Eye-catching young lady gets on a bus, where there's standing room only.
She says loudly, "Who'll give up their seat, for a pregnant lady?
One guy says, "You can have my seat".
Then he says, "You look pretty good for pregnant, how far on are you?"
She says, "Ten minutes, but gosh, it really makes you tired".

How about the Irish Wolfhound that's having sex with a cabbage.
He thought it was a cauli. [collie].

You might be a redneck if...

You think harrass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakenly thinking you're having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best 6 years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistently receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Did you hear that they've raised the minimum drinking age to 32 in West Virginia?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God creat armadillos?
So the rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

[hw]

Great redneck jokes Jon-Marc! Again welcome back to the land'o voice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

HILLBILLIES TO THE RESCUE

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

SFGIDLIF.....QB /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Golly, and I thought that there maneuver was done differently from that! They really do things different down south, don't they?

-----------------------

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am so embarrassed. After all these years I can't remember your name."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you need to know?"

[shãybare]

Hey Jon-Marc, could you please repeat that one more time? I'm from Oklahoma and close enough to the Arkansas border that it affexcts my mind.

[Jochanaan]

Great story, J-M! Even the third time through! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

Shaybare and Jochanaan I think Jon-Marc may be having a blonde moment. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
-----------------------------------------------

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and
wanted to find out a little about her personality.

"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it
be?"

"I'd have to say the living one."

------------------------------------------------


Another Warning:

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything
on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR,
and uses
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet
seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone.

If you are a blonde, this is a joke!!!

/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Duh! Are you saying I've posted that joke before? It must have been one of my other personalities who did it, 'cause I don't remember. Maybe it was Johnny, the little boy in me. He loves doing things like that, where I'm more practical, or is that forgetful? Duh. I can't remember! /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[shãybare]

Why are cowboy hats pushed up on the sides?

So 3 cowboys can sit on the front seat of a pickup truck.

How may dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
How may dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Only Dog knows!

Dyslexics of the World Untie!

-Mrak

OK, so I'm a little slow, but not as slow as my computer. I bought a new one today and will have it up and running soon. Then I'll toss this lemon called IBM.

Shaybare, I finally figured out what you were talking about and deleted two of the repeats. Actually, I think that was Jo Ann, my female personality, who did that. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

The sign of a good manager. Always have someone to blame it on.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
...Actually, I think that was Jo Ann, my female personality, who did that. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Give her 30 lashes with a wet noodle from us, will you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I sympathize completely, Jon-Marc. (Or is it Johnny or Jo Ann?) My beast plays at Adagio molto. I'm bidding for a new one on Ebay, and I'll find out tomorrow if I've got it; hopefully it will play at Presto vivace. (That's "very slow" and "fast and lively" for you non-musical types.) I may have to raise the ante a time or two. Let us know if your new one's Presto.

[Jochanaan]

Wow! 19 pages for this topic? That must be some kind of record. Do you suppose we can make it 20?

[shãybare]

Here, here, one more beer. Since hw started this whole thing, drinks are on her. Although I had rather have them in my glass. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif IMHO. Sorry, couldn't pass that up. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hairyhomer]

hw
Yes I've had some good shocks and they were very hair raising but nothing real serious. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[tarsus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Here, here, one more beer. Since hw started this whole thing, drinks are on her. Although I had rather have them in my glass. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif IMHO. Sorry, couldn't pass that up. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>i prefer an opened toed sling back myself. opps /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif i meant to reply to jon-marc uh jo-ann, sorry, veronica,i mean roni,i mean ronnie bowing out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hairyhomer]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same-kind of
lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and
flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red........................cherry"
"Yellow...................lemon"
"Green....................lime"
"Orange..................orange"
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify
the taste. "Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody,
spit them out - they're *******s!!!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Old and New Concerns for Baby Boomers:

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: keg
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parent.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a bm

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Old and New Concerns for Baby Boomers:

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Aren't you a bit behind the times, J-M? G.W. Bush has been accused of many things, but infidelity isn't one of them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey, that's why they called us "hippies"!

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Aren't you a bit behind the times, J-M? G.W. Bush has been accused of many things, but infidelity isn't one of them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It works for either Clinton or Bush. Check out the definition. (http://aolsvc.merriam-webster.aol.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=fidelity)

1a for Clinton. 1b for Bush.

-Mark

[Outlaw]

Shaybare--

Your joke about dyslextics hurts me a little bit. I have two grown children (48 & 46) who are dyslexic, one severely and one not as bad. I understand that it's me with the problem. I just winced a bit when I read the joke. (You got to a place I didn't know I had.)

Mike (Big Mac)

OK, since Clinton is past history, I guess I should refrain from jokes about him. It's just that he was such a joke. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Jon Marc, Do you know any good Eisenhower jokes?
I came along too late for them.

As for dyslexics. I have someone in my family with it. I won't make light of his struggles with it. But if a dyslexic is someone who frequently transposes letters as he reads or writes, who's to say that the rest of us aren't transposing our letters twice (instead of no change)?
i.e: "twice" becomes "eciwt" becomes "twice"?

Is there a word to describe those who transpose only the first and last letter of a word? (twice becomes "ewict")

Do some people transpose only consonants? (twice becomes "cwite")

Do some people transpose only vowels?
(twice becomes "tweci")

Perhaps sticking with palindromes as much as possible would help:
Able was I ere I saw Elba.

The solution that worked in my family was patience, hard work, and a little ytivel along the way. It must have worked because the family dyslexic makes twice the income of any of the rest of us!

No, I don't have any Eisenhower jokes--yet. I need to get back into the joke site since my supply is running low.

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she should just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound in her left knee.

-------------------------

I just saw something on "America's Funniest Videos" that I wanted to share with those who didn't see it. I thought it was hilarious--the funniest thing I've ever seen on there. The man involved apparently didn't think so though.

At a construction worksite, part of a building came crashing to the ground, flipping over the porta-potty nearby. Men rushed to upright it and out plopped a man in dress pants and a white shirt--well, it HAD been white. Everything in the porta-potty came out with him, and he was drenched. He walked away looking very upset. I haven't laughed so hard in a LONG time. Just imagine what he must have smelled like. Phew!!

[tarsus]

my friends,it is here i have choosen to post my goodbye. no one has made me angry,or insulted me it is simply time for me go. i have run out of things to say,you have heard them all before. the soap box grows heavy,i have no more stumps,and no more trees to cut down. it is here i will saddle the toad and hop into the setting sun. the world is my oyster but somebody stole my knife,so i cannot pry it open. have a good spring and summer.
and for you others,its your turn to freeze /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif springs coming to the northern hemisphere /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
everybody get naked. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
my friends,it is here i have choosen to post my goodbye. no one has made me angry,or insulted me it is simply time for me go.
everybody get naked. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Why? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[shãybare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Big Mac:
Shaybare--

Your joke about dyslextics hurts me a little bit. I have two grown children (48 & 46) who are dyslexic, one severely and one not as bad. I understand that it's me with the problem. I just winced a bit when I read the joke. (You got to a place I didn't know I had.)

Mike (Big Mac) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Mike, I mean you or your family no harm. The joke is just that. A joke. I didn't make up the joke, I just passed it along.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
...everybody get naked. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Why? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Because that's what this whole site's about, hw! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus, we'll miss you! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
my friends,it is here i have choosen to post my goodbye. no one has made me angry,or insulted me it is simply time for me go. i have run out of things to say,you have heard them all before. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I hate to see interesting people of good will leave, but I suppose we should respect your wishes.

However, can I make a suggestion? Here's something that might give you a new purpose and keep you engaged and interested a while longer...
Why not take a page from 'Rocket' and secretly return with a new name, only you can be a reverse-troll. You know, the whole 'Random acts of kindness and senseless beauty' thing. That way we can all have fun by accusing anyone who brings positive energy to the group of being you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

-Mark

[Tiny]

Wait! Don't go! I'm new here -- I haven't heard it all before! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Tiny

I left once but couldn't stay away. Since I haven't got a life, I have nowhere to go. Besides, this is the only active, and most interesting forum going. I agree that there's very little of interest to me posted any more except religious dicussions. I don't get into those because of people who like to criticize our belief in God and the Bible. I grew up on criticism and don't need to put up with it here.

[nunne]

I also hate to see anyone turn away. There are a lot of things that keep coming up which are new, and I think stimulating in many of the categories. It's like the Patent Office director who resigned in 1894 because he thought everything had been invented.

Going on....

A little 3 yr old boy was sitting in the bathtub playing with his testicles. He asked his mother if they were his brains.

She replied: "Not yet, son."

[Rex]

Couple go to the doctor.
The guy says, "Hey Doc, we're having trouble having sex. Do you reckon we could use your couch, and you can tell us what you think?"
Doctor thinks it's a strange request, but he's there to help people, so says, "OK".
Afterwards, Doctor says it seems OK to him, but the guy says they still have a problem, and can they come back, same time next week.
This goes on for a few weeks, finally Doctor asks, "Exactly what is your problem?"
Guy says, "Well, Doc, it's like this. We can't go to my house, because my wife's in, we can't go to her house, because her kids are in.
If we go to a motel, it costs us 50 bucks. If we come here, it only costs us $30, and we get most of that back on health insurance, so what would you do?"

[hw]

Actual Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

Notice in a hotel room in Eastern Europe:

Guests may take advantage of the room-maid after 11AM.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
Notice in a hotel room in Eastern Europe:

Guests may take advantage of the room-maid after 11AM. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wonder how many take them up on that offer?

[REDCHIK]

The name of a community trailor park outside of San Francisco, CA:
Chateau Mobile
(you know, the classy, side of the freeway kind)

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REDCHIK:
The name of a community trailor park outside of San Francisco, CA:
Chateau Mobile
(you know, the classy, side of the freeway kind) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL...Thanks REDCHIK! You have now made this topic 20 pages long. Is that a record or what? /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[REDCHIK]

mission accomplished!

[fred950]

Japanese perfume brand ; My Pee /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
Japanese perfume brand ; My Pee /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So Fred would that be toilet water? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
2. A backward poet writes... inverse.
3. A man's home is his castle..., in a manor of speaking.
4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
7. A man needs a mistress... just to break the monogamy.
8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
15. The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway.)
16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
25. Local Area Network in Australia:... the LAN down under.
26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
27. Every calendar's days are numbered.
28. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
32. A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
34. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A lady goes to a vet and is told that if she put a ribbon around a snoring dog's penis he'll roll over and stop snoring.

The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his penis, and he stops snoring.

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at the dog and looks down at himself.

"I don't know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

[hw]

Jon-Marc..ROFLMAO! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Wonder what a yellow ribbon would have meant....like the song:
Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree.


The Year's (ACTUAL) Best Headlines

And editors make the big bucks?!?!?!?


CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nope. Really! That warning is mendacious, so where do we go to SUE?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

It's not only mendacious, it's womendacious, too.

[nunne]

Shaybare - GROAN!!!!!!!!

[Rex]

Come on, guys, remember political correctness, personsdacious.

Why not start a new thread, shaybare? It will help to keep us all personstally alert!

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
Why not start a new thread, shaybare? It will help to keep us all personstally alert! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I keep telling you and telling you, threads are for textiles! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Hey! Do you suppose we can make 500 posts on this--er--topic? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif (That sounds like a long fence. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif )

[OZJames]

Does threadBARE mean total nakedness, I don't think so. Another example of our crazey English language

So a threadbare forum can still operate with threads

JAMES

[shãybare]

I stay away from new threads. I get mine from Salvation Army. Make 500 posts? What is this, Wood shop? With 500 posts we could certainly erect a fence. Oh,no, not erections again.

[Rex]

Perth scaffolding company-----Instant Erections.

Fremantle employment agency-----Get Staffed.

Indonesian toilet paper brand-----Fanny Paper.

[hw]

Oxymoron Definition: A rhetorical figure of speech in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.

EXAMPLE: "Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten Commandments from the courthouse
while making people in court swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God... while your hand is on the Bible!

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

I've always wondered what good that oath does with a person who doesn't believe the Bible to be what Christians believe it to be, or someone who sees nothing wrong with lying--even under oath. I really think it asinine to ask a criminal, "Do you swear to tell the truth" and so on. If he sees nothing wrong with committing a crime, is he going to have any problem with lying?

[shãybare]

I believe not everyone has to swear on the bible. Some are allowed to make an affirmation of truth.

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
EXAMPLE: "Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten Commandments from the courthouse
while making people in court swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God... while your hand is on the Bible! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The Founding Fathers felt strong enough about the issue of religious freedom and government coercion that they provided for the option to swear or affirm. It is even part of the constitition in the description of the President's oath of office. Anyone may choose to simply Affirm that they will state the truth in court or when taking an oath.

The Ten Commandments are not prohibited from courtrooms or any other public building as historical, cultural, and legal antecedents to our system of laws. It is in its use to promote an establishment of religion that the Alabama Chief Justice went awry with the US 1st Amendment.

The US Supreme Court building has a legal depiction of the 10 Commandments prominently displayed on a sculptural frieze over the entrance. It is part of a depiction of the foundation of law that includes Hammarabi's Code and the Magna Carta.

That's it for the civics lesson. I'm out of time, I'll add something of alleged humor later. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

-Mark

[missouriboy]

Shaybare -- you are audacious, man! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jon-Marc -- the swearing-in step isn't necessarily expected to evoke the truth. It's a formal legal step which causes subsequent untruth to be a felony crime; perjury, to be exact. This is what Bill Clinton was impeached for, not for a BJ as the liberals keep incessantly whining about.

[Rex]

Same thing, to a person who sees it in their interests to lie.
I suppose the fact that he/she promised to tell the truth, means they can be legally charged with perjury, if it's found that they have lied.
The Australian Prime Minister, the Dishonourable John Howard, has told so many lies, that it's become a sort of bad joke.
He has differentiated his election "promises" into "core promises" and "non-core promises".
According to him, it's OK to break "non-core promises", but not to break "core-promises".
Of course, he doesn't tell us which are "non-core", until it suits him to break them.
If this sounds like a bad joke, then it is, but it's the way this creature treats the Australian public.
Hopefully, the next election will see him booted out!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
.... untruth to be a felony crime; perjury, to be exact. This is what Bill Clinton was impeached for, not for a BJ as the liberals keep incessantly whining about. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thank you Moboy! You Da man...! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Thank you too Mark, I enjoy your posts and don't worry about not posting something humorous here..this is, after all, Off Topic. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
BTW..love that new avatar of yours. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Jon-Marc and Shaybare...buddies. I enjoy your take on things just as much as I enjoy all comments made on this thread.

Rex..has this guy been taking lessons from American politicians? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Everyone have a nice day...it looks like it will be in the high 70's again here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[threadbare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OZJames

I've been away a few days and my ears were burnin'
Does threadBARE mean total nakedness,

As often as possible and practicle /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

So a threadbare forum can still operate with threads...

Or without----------It's an optional kinda thing /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

JAMES <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>'been taking care of 3 sick girls, including an 8 month old with tonsilitis. I havn't caught it yet( knocking wood /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif )

[OZJames]

Threadbear - "duh" - I thought you were supposed to be a nudist !! (see dictionary)

Rex - I can't believe that you are talking about "honest John". Who was it in Australian politics that said they would stay in power until they were carried out in a box, i.e. a ballot box or a coffin ? Politically, next year will be a very inetersting with new Governments in Aust and the USA

JAMES /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif