Are My Voices Offending You?

[Baron Lake]

missouriboy,
shaybare audacious? gets my vote! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif BTW if 2w or more guys get together does that make them MENdacious? maybe but i would lie about it.
B.L.

[fred950]

/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif WE DID IT!!! The INAdy 500! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Oxymoron Definition: A rhetorical figure of speech in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.

EXAMPLE: "Oxymoron" - Removing the Ten Commandments from the courthouse
while making people in court swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God... while your hand is on the Bible!

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>To bad this isn't Roman times ...One swore that his Testimony whould be true by placing his hand on his testicles ...With end reasult of getting caught lying being his voice would rise to the point he might fit in the Vienna Boys' Chior...if you get my drift. That would have been interesting for Pres Billy-Boy /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif . Sorry HW, Greenshine, Mellissa and all the rest of the 'Better Half', by definition b/c females have no testicles,they could not testify. Aren't you glad we don't live in Roman times? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif WE DID IT!!! The INAdy 500! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>All righty then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Hey how come no one told me we were having a race? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

***********************************************

Originally posted by Baron Lake:
missouriboy,
shaybare audacious? gets my vote! BTW if 2w or more guys get together does that make them MENdacious? maybe but i would lie about it.

I consider myself to be very Oddacious. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Is oddacious even a word? Hmmmmm... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Of course oddacious is a word, hw. You just used it!!

[Rex]

Originally posted by hw:

Rex..has this guy been taking lessons from American politicians?

This guy [John Howard] could act as advisor to American politicians.
He's so smart, he's even managed to dream up novel new ways of lying to the Australian public.
Of course, some of the public want to believe his lies. They're not smart enough to realise that, if politicians will lie when you want them to, then they will lie when you don't want them to, as well.
He's often shown, in political cartoons in the Australian press, as a little lap-dog, obediently following Bush, who has him on a lead.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Oxymoron Definition: A rhetorical figure of speech in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh. I thought it was an intelligence-challenged person who had to carry an oxygen tank. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Baron Lake:
BTW if 2w or more guys get together does that make them MENdacious? maybe but i would lie about it.
B.L. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Bodacious!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

About "testifying": An author describing a matriarchical society once coined a word "ovify." It seems that "testify" did originally mean "swearing on one's testes to tell the truth", so "ovify" would be the feminine equivalent.

After all, women have the complement to men's testes; they're just a little further inside. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif Or maybe it's an egg-zact opposite? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

Joke-anaan, what is an egg-zact opposite? Would that be yolk on the outside with the white in the middle? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Would you like that scrambled or sunny side out? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

To bad this isn't Roman times ...One swore that his Testimony whould be true by placing his hand on his testicles ... Sorry HW, Greenshine, Mellissa and all the rest of the 'Better Half', by definition b/c females have no testicles,they could not testify. Fred would you swear to that on a stack of testicles? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

If you don't believe in testicles*, can you simply make an affirmation?

*ie, if you just reckon it's a load of balls!

[OZJames]

Rex, don't you mean a load of codswallap ??

JAMES

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
If you don't believe in testicles*, can you simply make an affirmation?

*ie, if you just reckon it's a load of balls! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Rex I reckon you are right.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by OZJames:
Rex, don't you mean a load of codswallap ?? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>James Bulls-eye! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

I'll swear quite a bit if anybody (outside a select few) put a hand or two on them!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

A select FEW, Fred?

Tell us more, [but remember this is a family forum]!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
A select FEW, Fred?

Tell us more, [but remember this is a family forum]! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Rex if I may be so bold as to answer. Fred probably has a few he would willingly let testify on his behalf. His wife and maybe a doctor or two.

Remember: Handle With Care! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Year 2035 Headlines

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans Drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Floridians still don't know how to use a voting machine.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

i see this thing is up 21,does this mean its old enough to drink? let me get that open toed sling back,and fill it till its full please

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
A select FEW, Fred?

Tell us more, [but remember this is a family forum]! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hw is right. GOOD LORD!!! It's bad enough that her voices have taken over Jon-marc's computer, but now she's thinking like ME!!! Repent, the end is near!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
Hw is right. GOOD LORD!!! It's bad enough that her voices have taken over Jon-marc's computer, but now she's thinking like ME!!! Repent, the end is near!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Calm down Fred, everything will be just fine. It wasn't my voices taking over Jon-Marc's computer, it was my alter-ego's voices that took over his computer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

BTW.. my end is near the chair. Closer to the floor than the ceiling I think. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus wrote:

i see this thing is up 21,does this mean its old enough to drink? let me get that open toed sling back,and fill it till its full please

--------------------
tell 'em tarsus is back

It's old enough to drink X's 2. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Do you ride the Open Toed Toad on the open road? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Hey everyone...tarsus is back! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Jochanaan]

Up to 21 and hitting past 500! Awright!!!

hw, I can testify, or affirm, that I didn't know those items stacked. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Up to 21 and hitting past 500! Awright!!!

hw, I can testify, or affirm, that I didn't know those items stacked. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jokeanaan if you go to the right restaurant you can get a plate stacked with mountain oysters. No really, I swear! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

omg this is bad. well hw i do like the top down.
rocky mountain oysters? great balls of fire!
what is this? hog heaven for hillbillies? count me in and past the plate. h*ll i know i gone crazy now.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
omg this is bad. well hw i do like the top down.
rocky mountain oysters? great balls of fire!
what is this? hog heaven for hillbillies? count me in and past the plate. h*ll i know i gone crazy now. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey tarsus, I like my top down too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I must be one of those Convert-ible nudists. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Goodness, gracious.....GBOF! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[nunne]

Year 2035 headlines:
"Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels."

Iraq still closed off: American military estimates it will take at least ten more years to find WMDs.

[Rex]

There's undoubtedly a demand for WMD in Iraq,
Everyone's out looking for them, so they must be in short supply.
When is some enterprising entrepreneur going to open a WMD factory?
With American technology, British management, and John Howard's guaranteed non-union Australian slave labour, there's a fortune to be made.

[tarsus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nunne:
Year 2035 headlines:
"Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels."

Iraq still closed off: American military estimates it will take at least ten more years to find WMDs. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>all they got to do is look for a camel,if any are left,they stink,bite, and if they don't want do it they don't do it. thats the only wmd they will find.

[tarsus]

banner headline in the year 2039
U.S.A. CLOSES BORDERS
today the usa closed its border forever,it was announced that all jobs had been sent to mexico,china,india, and the middle east,which was renamed "bushland" in 2021, in honor of president
george w. bush, who through fear that we may accidently elect a terrorist,and because we need protection from ourselves,is now president for life,after junking the constitution and delaring
marshel law in 2006. all remaining people still able to work will be shipped to these countries were they will be given bread and water and shacks to live in. all those not able to work 14 hour days will be left behind. and this just in the indians don't want it back,said they got the shaft once and sure as h*ll wasn't taking it again.
final edition printed in the u.s., your new paper will be printed in china which has no laws protecting its workers or envromental law so we can dump waste right out in the street,resulting in more profit for the owners.

[missouriboy]

See, tarsus, you weren't really finished saying everything you had to say, now were you?

I'm glad you didn't stay away, pal. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[shãybare]

Please, tarsus, quit holding back. Say what is on your mind. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[tarsus]

well i am kinda timid,shy, but most of us beautiful people are you know. next time i will let go with both barrels instead of just one /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
oh! i almost forgot. modesty is my greatest asset,don't you agree??
don't hate me because i am beautiful--- please.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
oh! i almost forgot. modesty is my greatest asset,don't you agree??
don't hate me because i am beautiful--- please. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus my greatest asset is on the chair. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Thanks for making this page 22...is that some kind of record for staying off topic? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

well hw. i heard once that one in four people have mental problems. since there are at least three of me,[me calm cool collected. me suffering from low frustion tolrance level, and the other me which only comes out during full moons--hate that one i have to use whole bottle of shampoo on those days] now i can't speak for anyone else but-
well yes i am going to speak for everyone else,the mouth of the south is gonna raise like bread with six pounds of yeast in it.
these gas prices are nothing more then ------

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it, "Form 1040?"

Because for every $50 you earn, you get 10, and they get 40.

-------------------

Post Turtle President

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself. He sure doesn't belong there. He can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

[shãybare]

Jon-Marc, How do you manage to keep 10? I ain't figured that out yet.

hw, I think this has been assed before but if we are staying off-topic on this thread wouldn't that be on topic? I missed school that day.

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
hw, I think this has been assed before <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Please stop assing HW, what are we, a bunch of poodles?

http://uweb.superlink.net/ffwrew/goofy/ButtSniff.JPG

-Mark

[hw]

tarsus I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Jon-Marc I too wonder how you manage to keep 40 too. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Shaybare you can question me any time you like. But the correct word would be "axe"! There's your lesson for the day. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Snnnniiiiffff...
Mark...you crack my assets up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw, the IRS gets the 40--at least.

[tarsus]

well jon-marc at least you get 10, by the time they get done with federal,state,county,city,fire,library, property tax on 3 autos,extra fees for nature plates[ever see that reg. ky.plate? looks like a crazed clown car,or the teletubbies designed it]health insurance 401k.and then buy gas and pay all that tax,i come out in the hole most weeks. h*ll i aint
seen day light since i don't know when.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw, the IRS gets the 40--at least. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sorry Jon-Marc, but any time you mention IRS the hair on the back of my neck stands on end and my brain goes in to mush mode. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

That and I was trying to respond to four posters at the same time. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Next time I'll try to remember more, but it is difficult with all these people who share my brain. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw,

Maybe you should ask some of them to move out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw,

Maybe you should ask some of them to move out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I did ask them. They said, " sure, we'd love to move in with Jon-Marc!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
So when do you want them there? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Four posters is a real "bed"lam. The more the marry her, I always shay.

hw,

With all my personalities arguing with each other, I don't think I could handle any more company. Maybe Shaybare would like them.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw,

With all my personalities arguing with each other, I don't think I could handle any more company. Maybe Shaybare would like them. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jon-Marc...shhhhh, don't tell anybody, but I think Shaybare got in to Fred950's Bailey's Irish Cream over on the "Happy St. Patrick's Day " thread. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Just look at what Shay wrote:
Four posters is a real "bed"lam. The more the marry her, I always shay.

Congratulations Shay..when is the big day? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law abiding, and truthful?

A tourist.

--------------------------

"My uncle ran for Sanate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."

--------------------------

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

--------------------------

What's the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician.

[missouriboy]

Hey, Shay, are ya going to that big party tomorrow night?
I heard they're gonna eat, drink, and make Mary! /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Hey, Shay, are ya going to that big party tomorrow night?
I heard they're gonna eat, drink, and make Mary! /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What party are you talking about Moboy? I think the only place to have a really nice party is here on the west coast. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Just ask Odie about all these warm days we've had recently. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
It is really a shame the guys in MA, OH, and NY are still getting snow. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[shãybare]

Married? Been there, done that, not going to get that drunk again.

tarsus you are so beautiful you should be in a film canister.

moboy, I am always the last to know. Even when I plan the parties.

hw, I just love those CA cookouts. Everyone out there is so into them that they burn thousands of acres and even their own homes just to roast a few marshmellows and weiners. Fireman from all over the US is invited.

I know the above is morbid but I thought I would have an auction.

[Trailscout]

Hw, it is 70 degrees and sunny here in Georgia. The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming. Why not drop what you are doing and come on over!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
hw, I just love those CA cookouts. Everyone out there is so into them that they burn thousands of acres and even their own homes just to roast a few marshmellows and weiners. Fireman from all over the US is invited.

I know the above is morbid but I thought I would have an auction. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey Shay, we have cookouts all summer and we haven't burned the house yet! The ones who do that live in big mountain communities. The houses are built where there is fire danger. I guess they don't worry too much as insurance pays for it, they rebuild the houses, the houses burn again....! Endless cycle but it does give people jobs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Now about this auction. What are you selling? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Hw, it is 70 degrees and sunny here in Georgia. The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming. Why not drop what you are doing and come on over! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Trailscout! Maybe I will. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif We are pretty much the same here with the birds, flowers, temps. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif My roses are just starting to bloom.

Although I am a life long CA resident, I have always wanted to travel to the south. Must have Georgia On My Mind.

If you ever get to CA drop us a line first. We'll have a BBQ out in the back yard, do a little sun bathing and skinny dipping! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Hw, just a minor technical matter. If you drive south, you will wind up in Mexico. Instead, if you will find your way down the Central Valley to I-10, point your car east and keep going in that general direction along I-10 for a few hundred miles and somewhere out on the Texas prairies, I-10 splits off with I-20. Take the left fork at I-20, continue east for another 1,000 miles and you will find Georgia! Isn't that easy?

Once you get here you will have to choose between the lush green mountains, the quaint old southern towns, the enormous Atlanta metro area, the Okefenokee Swamp and our coastal islands. I'll leave that up to you. Bring your kinfolks, your camera and leave the swimsuits back home. I can help you find all the skinnydipping swimming holes.

I have never turned down a plate of barbeque, so one of these days, I will have to hitch up the mule and the buggy and head west across the prairies for the Central Valley. Thanks for the invite!

[hw]

Thanks for the directions Trailscout! (Funny thing, I've only been to Mexico through Arizona, never from CA) I did make it as far as MO-ssouri a couple of years ago. It took most of the day just to get through CA and into that wonderful heat of the desert. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

I prefer country to big cities so I'll take the quaint town tour. I love old historical places, or hysterical. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

If you do hitch up the mules and get out this way, make sure you bring a big appetite. We always cook enough for an army. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (Smile, you may just find Mrs. Trailscout material in CA too). /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

BYOFF...Bring You Own Fire Fly...that is one thing we don't have here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Hi hw..." My roses are just starting to bloom." Hmmmm? ...We've had over two weeks of record setting warmth up here...but my roses are just starting to set buds...must be the latitude...Red buds and cherry blossoms are gorgeous though...Are we going to have any Spring here in Cal?....Mmmmmmm ...I can smell those BBQ scents wafting in on the southerly breezes....Odie

Well, the birds have returned from down south where they go for the winter, so it looks as though spring is a-comin'. It's supposed to be near 50 degrees Saturday, but it's supposed to start dropping in the afternoon and be only in the 30's F Sunday. Winter doesn't want to let go. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hi hw..." My roses are just starting to bloom." Hmmmm? ...We've had over two weeks of record setting warmth up here...but my roses are just starting to set buds...must be the latitude...Red buds and cherry blossoms are gorgeous though...Are we going to have any Spring here in Cal?....Mmmmmmm ...I can smell those BBQ scents wafting in on the southerly breezes....Odie <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gee Odie I suppose I just know how to grow 'em.
I have one or two full blooms right now and by next week, (If this heat holds), I should have a fully (bloomed) bush. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hope you like bbq'd tri-tip! That seems to be the main meat served around these parts. Of course there's always the side meats, linguicia, hot links, hot dogs, hamburgers. Just makes your mouth water huh? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Hang in there Jon-Marc! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif You turn is coming..it has to start in the west and work it's way eastward. It is mid-March, so we may still be in for a few more storms. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Have a great weekend all! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Hey, it's spring here too! Haven't seen any roses yet, but...

"I have one or two full blooms right now and by next week, (If this heat holds), I should have a fully (bloomed) bush."

hw, are you saying you don't shave? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Trailscout]

It got up to 80 degrees today, but a massive cold front is coming and it may get as cold as 30 degrees in the wee hours for a day or two. I know better than to plant tomatoes until the weather settles down, but when we have warm days, especially on the weekend, we really should take advantage of them and get nekkid. Unlike tomatoes, we can go back indoors when winter tries to return.

80 degree temperatures with sunny skies is warm enough to coaxe even the most cold-natured of us out of our parkas and mittens.

Saturday was our warmest day yet (in the 50's F), sunny once it stopped storming. Unfortunately, it got very windy as usual, and I was too sick to enjoy anything, including the St. Patty's dance Saturday night. I spent that time in bed.

[tarsus]

lol reminds me of something,many moons past-- my first wife and i were at a large gathering, "potluck"[?]. well she got a nice piece
of meatloaf, and declared it was the best she every ate [i was a big meat eater in those days,also].well she asked what made it so good. the reply "its made with deer meat my son killed". wrong answer! my dear wife thought deer were beautiful,she puked on everything! talk about hurling!! while we never had a good marriage there were good moments. that was one of them.

[tarsus]

todays headline
today the u.s. anounced it had at long last discovered the wmd. hidden in an undisclosed area were thousands of acres of beans. it is strongly belived that this is indeed concrete evidence that iraq was planning a major gas attack. after protest by the u.n. the u.s. droped plans to spray the area with agent orange,and instead will powder the area with baking soda,there-by neutralizing the threat.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Hey, it's spring here too! Haven't seen any roses yet, but...
"I have one or two full blooms right now and by next week, (If this heat holds), I should have a fully (bloomed) bush."
hw, are you saying you don't shave? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Joke-anaan I prune the roses every January. I do shave the armpits and the legs.
I have found it is easier for me to shave the legs outdoors in the sun. It seems, for me anyway, it is easier to see and I don't have the water from the shower rinsing the soap away as I try to find those elusive hairs! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

BTW...I did a little nude sunbathing yesterday in my backyard. It was nice and warm with just a hint of a breeze. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
***********************************************

Jon-Marc I hope you feel better. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif I'll think warm thoughts for you and maybe it will help push the sun closer to you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
************************************************

Oh Deer , tarsus! I hope the ex. didn't spew an antler! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Thanks, hw. I am feeling better and hope it lasts. It got all the way up to 26 degrees F today. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[hw]

Jon-Marc glad to hear you are feeling better. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I relly hope you get a warm up soon, it has been really nice here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
*************************************************

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this, go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? "NO, NO, NO!!!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hey! Now I know what happened to some of the guys I've seen. They visited that frog. I saw one like that this last weekend who had apparently done that. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Hey, quit making fun of me. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[melissastarr]

Or maybe that explains why women don't have a penis?

Melissa

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
hw, are you saying you don't shave? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Joke-anaan I prune the roses every January. I do shave the armpits and the legs. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wasn't talking about those bushes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif And I would never compare you to a prude--uh, prune! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
I wasn't talking about those bushes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif And I would never compare you to a prude--uh, prune! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So Joke-anaan were you talking about the White House Bushes? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I only prune up when exposed to water for too long. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

CATHOLIC DOG


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I'm Catholic but thank I God my dog wasn't! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Rex]

I told the penis and the frog joke at the gym this morning, and got this one in return:

Lady goes to the doctor with her husband.
Says, Doctor, look at my husband's penis. It's so long, it drags on the ground.

Doctor says, Yes, I can see what you mean. I can cut some off.

Lady says, No No No, I want you to lengthen his legs!

[missouriboy]

The man with a seemingly endless erection entered a drugstore to see what he might be given for it, but saw only one old-maid type woman working the counter. She asked to examine it, and he complied. After a wide-eyed examination, she said she'd never encountered anything like that before, and would have to consult with her sister in the back room. Upon return she told him, "Well, Berniece and I have decided the best we can do is $10,000 and a half-interest in the store."

Say Rex..Do you think if I have my legs shortened?...Oh well forget it.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[OZJames]

See namedun's post on the topic "Uncircumsized penis"

"Shouldn't the term be non-circumsized? Uncircumsized would indicate that the foreskin was cut off, and then put back on again."

That reminds me of the question -

# What is a near hit ? - answer "a miss"

# What is a near miss ? !!!!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

JAMES

[Rex]

Man goes into a bar, carrying a box.
Takes a miniature grand piano out of the box, and puts it on top of the bar.
Takes a little man, about one foot tall, out of his pocket, and sits him on a tiny stool, in front of the piano, where he starts to play.
Barman says, "Where did you get HIM?"
"Well", says the man, "It's like this. One day I was walking on the beach, and I found an old bottle, took out the stopper, and out pops a genie.
He says he will grant me one wish, and he thought I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST!"

[hw]

WATER


An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.


Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.


"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,


"A man is sitting on the well!"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

Then there's the man who threw a coin into a wishing well, and made a wish.

Back came the reply:

"All our operators are busy, your call is important to us-----------------."

[tarsus]

how about the drunk walking on the beach. he finds a bottle and pulls out the stopper, and out pops a genie,the genie says i will grant you three wishes what are they? the drunk says i want a bottle of wine that will never be empty.poof the genie grants his wish,and asks what does he want next. the drunk turns the bottle down and says give another just like this one.
most likly an elected politicion, i would say,they never get enough.

[hairyhomer]

Friends


Me and You are Friends.......
You Fight, I Fight........
You Hurt, I Hurt........
You Cry, I Cry.........
You Jump Off a Bridge....


I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ***! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

I heard NoodJuggler's Cyber Voice yesterday over my computer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Strange, but cool! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

I know Shaybare and nudeM heard it too, so don't say it's just my voices playing tricks. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

You have some real hidden talent there, NoodJ. Just imagine if the guys from down under had this set up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Hey everyone this is kind of scary. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
What if these Hotheads migrate north? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif


Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers

In its April 1985 issue Discover Magazine announced that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history. -More-
Comments


April Fool!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

For more April Fool jokes click on this.
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/aprilfool2.html

[tarsus]

lol if they come north they will meet with wind bags that blow them away. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

A popular bar installed a new robotic bartender.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." The robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot said, "So, are you Democrats really going to nominate John Kerry?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ROFLMAO...This is really cool /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

so like were is the guy with the iq of 25 so he can talk about "w" ?

[shãybare]

tarsus, leave me out of this, will you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

[Rex]

Originally quoted by hw:

"noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson"

Well, as the French would say, "one man's fish, is another man's poisson".

[hw]

Odie please use the seat belt option while reading Off topic Fun Stuff. I'd hate to think of you hurting yourself. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
Originally quoted by hw:
"noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson"
Well, as the French would say, "one man's fish, is another man's poisson". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Rex I'vy never heard of this Poisson guy, but I bet he is an itch you just can't scratch enough. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

tarsus you are so right about the IQ of 25 talking about "w". He is the hottest topic for all democrats these days. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Shaybare you are much smarter than that! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw you feared the Hotheads were headed North .....There are reliable reports that one of those naked menaces was spotted in Florida...Really boring!....Heavens...They are boring even without ice..Hope they don't head West.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gifOdie

[hw]

Thanks for that informative update Odie! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hairyhomer]

Try this very soon, before someone at Google to changes it:
> 1) Go to www.Google.com (http://www.Google.com) www.google.com (http://www.google.com)
> 2) Type in -- weapons of mass destruction-- (DON'T hit return)
> 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google search"
> 4) Read the "error message" carefully - the WHOLE page.
> Someone at Google really has a sense of humor

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed
The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please try the following:

Click the Regime change button, or try again later.

If you are George Bush and typed the country's name in the address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. (IRAQ).

To check your weapons inspector settings, click the UN menu, and then click Weapons Inspector Options. On the Security Council tab, click Consensus. The settings should match those provided by your government or NATO.
If the Security Council has enabled it, The United States of America can examine your country and automatically discover Weapons of Mass Destruction.
If you would like to use the CIA to try and discover them,
click Detect weapons
Some countries require 128 thousand troops to liberate them. Click the Panic menu and then click About US foreign policy to determine what regime they will install.
If you are an Old European Country trying to protect your interests, make sure your options are left wide open as long as possible. Click the Tools menu, and then click on League of Nations. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Head in the Sand section and check settings for your exports to Iraq.
Click the Bomb button if you are Donald Rumsfeld.


Cannot find weapons or CIA Error
Iraqi Explorer
Bush went to Iraq to look for Weapons of Mass Destruction and all he found was this lousy T-shirt.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

In honor of Rik's Brings Tears to You Eyes thread here's some......


Scuba Diving Jokes

Do you know what SCUBA really stands for?
Some Come Up Barely Alive /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got certified, the instructor always stressed that you never go diving
alone. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you have equipment
problems, your buddy can help you. If you meet a shark, your odds are 50-50
instead of 100%" /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

-------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the
water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their
heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those
Buccaneers!!!"
To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Eeeeeeeeyowww!!! That joke really "makes the cut"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the
water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their
heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those
Buccaneers!!!"
To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And I thought a Buccaneer was just a cheap place to get your lobes pierced! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

Or maybe some mighty expensive corn on the cob!

[shãybare]

You guys type louder. I can't ear you.

[tarsus]

reminds me of a joke, man when looking for wmds didn't find any,so he when looking for intent,trouble was he couldn't find a tent. what he found was a spider hole instead.but the fly did not go into the palor. instead he listened to the big oil companies,who said stand with us and we will b.s. the public and line your pocket and ours with the green of america [or pastel].
mmm jokes on us. god save us all from "w" aka hemmroid on the a** of the world.

[hw]

A compassionate Conservative


As you may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parents home on weekends. In case you don't remember John Hinckley, he's the one who
shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster.

This is a recent nice letter from our president to Mr. Hinckley:


THE WHITE HOUSE WASHINGTON D.C.
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental health problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is scr*wing Jody Foster?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President

/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Tiny]

This thread has the BASTE jokes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Tiny

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tiny:
This thread has the BASTE jokes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Tiny <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The baste jokes? Wouldn't that be under the nudity and religion thread? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hairyhomer]

Do you know shat happened this week in 1850?


California became a state .

The state had no electricity.

The State had no money,

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gun fights in the streets.

So, basically it was just like California today,

except for women had real breasts /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
Do you know shat happened this week in 1850?


California became a state .

The state had no electricity.

The State had no money,

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gun fights in the streets.

So, basically it was just like California today,

except for women had real breasts /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You are almost right hh, except for the last one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

With the gas prices going back up, ($2.09.99 a gallon as of today), maybe we should go back to 1850 and ride horses. At least the horses pollution can be turned in to fertilizer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

"With the gas prices going back up, ($2.09.99 a gallon as of today), maybe we should go back to 1850 and ride horses. At least the horses pollution can be turned in to fertilizer!"

That would be great HW then we would all be eating horse s**t and we would and be full of s**t. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

HH /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
At least the horses pollution can be turned in to fertilizer!"

That would be great HW then we would all be eating horse s**t and we would and be full of s**t. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
HH /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>hh I don't want to even stink about it! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Besides, I think "fertilizer" should be Stable-ized before applying it to food crops. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[OZJames]

Horses do not stink they have a very pleasant sweet aroma. If you stick your head inside a stable, for example at a race track, which has dirty urine soaked hay - sure it will stink. By necessity, if you had a horse instead of a car then the garage would stink, not the horse.

As for "stable-ized" manure, horse manure is the best thing for the vege garden.

However horses and cows fart and that is very bad for the ozone layer so I cannot see us all riding horses.

Write to your government and demand sola energy subsidies. SOLA power is the best way of energy production. I have a sola powered bore water pump, pumping 2500 gallons per day and has been doing that for over 10 years with NO RUNNING COST. That beats horses

JAMES /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Jochanaan]

Yowza! 25 pages, 600+ posts! What's the record, Mr. Moderator?

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OZJames:


I have a sola powered bore water pump, pumping 2500 gallons per day and has been doing that for over 10 years with NO RUNNING COST. That beats horses <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And what do you do with all that water? I sure couldn't drink it all! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
Do you know shat happened this week in 1850? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm sure it did! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[OZJames]

Cattle drink it and what they don't runs right back into the ground again near where the bore is.

I have had a shower under it -

JAMES

[Trailscout]

Oz,

If you have excess water that is running into the ground, why not make it do a little more work for you before you let it drain back into the bedrock?
Depending on what your roof is made of, you could cool it by running a sprinkler over it on hot days. A lot of folks used to do that it in Texas and other hot parts of the US before air conditioners were available.

In south Florida as recently as the 1960's, most people used "swamp coolers". It was a porous grill of matting and you ran water constantly through it. A large fan blew the air through the wet matting and the evaporation chilled the air by as much as 20 degrees Fahrenheit. On a day when it was 100 F, you could easily get the inside of your house down to 80 F. (This type of cooling is much cheaper than conventional compressor-type air conditioners).

I have seen some very efficient commercial evaporative coolers used in Texas and Georgia, but you could build a simple version of one without much effort.

And using your abundant water with drip irrigation pipes and hoses, you could have a lush green vegetable garden in the dryest part of the Outback. You'd only need to go to the store for salt, coffee, sugar and flour.

[OZJames]

Thanks for the suggestions Trailscout. The problem is that where the water is is about 3 miles from our house and is over a big hill that drops down 300 ft into a gully where the bore is. It would cost about AUD$20,000 to get another pump to pump it up over the hill and down to our house.

We do in fact have an evaporative cooler ("swamp cooler") on the roof of our house. It is a metal box about a cubic yard with water running down wood shavings. A large fan pushes the moist air into the house and on hot dry days the temperature MAY drop up to 20F. It is a very pleasant way to cool the house and when nude, air conditioning is not required.

What about the beer that I need.

JAMES

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OZJames:

What about the beer that I need.
JAMES <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>James...you get the coffee...I'll get the beer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

[Jochanaan]

hw, is that coffee, beer, or... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[bravebare]

My voices are not offended so neither am I.

[OZJames]

HW - your joke about who should do it (make the coffee) , in a perverse way, reminds me of the joke about the two old bearded men STILL in the womb. Each one saying after the other "after you" "after you"

Someone should have offered them a beer.

JAMES

[hw]

Jochanaan:
hw, is that coffee, beer, or...

Yes, Jokeanaan, yes it is. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif It is, after all, made with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water. (Where are you from again?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


Thanks bravebare, you are just too kind. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


OZJames....After you posted that joke, I just didn't have a come back...so here's something Off Topic. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

10 reasons to buy a new car...


10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:

10 reasons to buy a new car...

[/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I hope you reallize you were just describing MY old car!
You know it's bad when you go to the wrecking yard for parts and they think the heap is 'new inventory!' /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

The sterio in my car is so old..........
It keeps playing new releases of Glen Miller.

My car is so old......
My great Grandfather calls it a classic

[OZJames]

When I sold a car about ten years ago I kept the GOOD sterio radio and put it in the kitchen under a high shelf. The "car" arial sticks up above the houseroof. It has better reception and sound quality than any portable radio I could find. Have you noticed that car radios mostly can pick up stations loud and clear.

Remember i live in the "bush" OZ for out in the country

JAMES

[Trailscout]

James, you are certainly right about radios. The battery powered radios in my house not only have a weak receiver, but they have tuners that leave a lot to be desired. I hate trying to zero in on a radio station with them.

I live in a city of 4 1/2 million people. We have so many hills, buildings, microwave towers, etc. that radio signals are not what they should be.

[Rex]

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[hairyhomer]

Vacationing - Incognito


Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight to wards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a G-string, taking her sweet time, came walking to wards them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father" and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

"Oh, Father, it's me ... Sister Angela," she replied.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

If Your Pet Could Talk..

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll
mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish
flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it
is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for
dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord
and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give
me a cracker? H**L NO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog: "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with
the fridge."

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, a$$hole. There's a new one!"

Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem
unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my
food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my a$$.

Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever hungry
I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the
balcony' test again."

Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

*blonk* OUCH! Dang, that hurt! Seatbelt warnings are in order for that gerbil one! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Seatbelt Warning Moboy. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Rex you seem to like music, remember these?

Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new
lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

You don't even have to change the words for "I ain't got no Satisfaction".

And how about "I've Stopped, 'Cos I've Had Enough".

[hairyhomer]

And how about ,"In the Midnight hour","This may be the Last Time","Rescue Me, "When I'm Sixty-Four" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hh /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new
lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>That one definitely needed a seatbelt warning. And it seems to me I heard a Glenn Miller tune: "In the Mood (The Spirit is Willing...)"

[Tiny]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
Vacationing - Incognito <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Where is Cognito? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Tiny

[NoodJuggler]

I had a guy talking to himself on my Bus today and he was really yelling at himself and cussing out loud and jumping all over the place. Using different voices and everything..Did the voices offend me? No way, I enjoyed it. All the other passengers moved away from him and wouldn't say anything but just sat there. This guy was a trip..Must be the voices..And this tread is still going..Cheers..NoodJuggler.

Keith,

Having worked at and retired from a VA Medical Center I saw a lot of that. One man argued in two different voices. I found out that he was acting out the part of his parents arguing with each other. He got quite loud and irritating, but you could usually just tell him to quiet down and he would--for a while.

With others it was like hearing one side of a phone conversation--without the ohone. He would be arguing and yelling at an invisible person that only he could hear.

[Rex]

No need to change the words for:

SEPTEMBER SONG

When I was a young man courting the girls
I played me a waiting game.
If a maid refused me with tossing curls
I?d let the old earth take a couple of twirls
And I?d ply her with tears instead of pearls
And as time came around, she came my way
As time came around, she came

But it?s a long, long while from may to december
And the days grow short when you reach september.
The autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
And I haven?t got the time for the waiting game.

Oh, the days dwindle down to precious few;
September, november.
And these few precious days I?ll spend with you.
These precious days I?ll spend with you.

There's another verse which, to me, is even more poignant, but this version doesn't include it.

[Rex]

For the music to September Song, and a beautiful Autumn scene, complete with a delightful "special effect", have a look at:

http://www.btinternet.com/~edward.caution/septembersong.htm

[Rex]

Hi hw,

I've just had a look at how you started this thread:

"Hey all, quick question."

Well, it may have been a quick question, but it's certainly a long, drawn out answer!

[hairyhomer]

You may have seen this before but it still cracks me up every time I read this. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rex:
For the music to September Song, and a beautiful Autumn scene, complete with a delightful "special effect", have a look at:

http://www.btinternet.com/~edward.caution/septembersong.htm <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>_________________________________________________

Thanks Rex. That is a very beautiful site. A total relaxation.

Thanks for the cool music site link Rex ...Brought back lots of memories...Odb /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[tarsus]

let me add to the "voices"
there is one guy in this area that thinks aliens
are going to take his voice,paints it on every auto he owns with spray paint. argued with a tree once till finally cops come got him. they don't brother him till someone complains.most are used to him .
once worked at nursing home with mentally disturbed people,one would scarce the h*ll out of you,had six known personallys.one a small child talking about seeing a murder,and one that would scare the bejeezeous out of linda blair. a deep satanic voice you would have had to hear to belive.others were not so bad,and one you really enjoyed talking to.

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tiny:
Where is Cognito? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Perhaps these definitions will help... (or perhaps not?)

Coincide: what smart campers do when it rains.

Intent: where smart campers coincide when it rains. (But don't tell SandyK)

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Perhaps these definitions will help... (or perhaps not?)

Coincide: what smart campers do when it rains.

Intent: where smart campers coincide when it rains. (But don't tell SandyK) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy.. LMAO! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I won't tell if you won't tell. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tiny:
Where is Cognito? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Tiny <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Across the border from Magneto. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[OZJames]

"Originally posted by Tiny:
Where is Cognito? "

Where do nudists stay when visiting Cognito ? Perhaps the Inn is C/O i.e. the "incognito" or perhaps not C/O therefore the nudists are in cognito in more ways than one /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

JAMES

[a1922stanley]

One day a man hears a voice saying..."Quit your job, sell your house...go to Reno." Hepays it no mind, and continues. The next day he hears the same voice say.."Quit your job, sell your house...go to Reno." Figureing it is obsurd he ignores the voice. Soon it is every hour he hears the voice say..."Quit your job, sell your house...go to Reno." Finally he has herd enough and says...OK! SO he quits his job, sells his house, and goes to Reno. Then the voice says..."Go to Harraha's Casino" So he does. Then the voice says.."Go to Rolette tabble #4. And so he does. Then the voice says..."bet all the money on 19. And so he puts down 450,000.00 on 19. The wheel spins, and comes up on number 8. And the voice says..."OOPS...Sorry."

[OZJames]

Stanley - It would have been better if he had gone "incognito" then he could have snuck out without anybody knowing who it was that was so stupid.

JAMES /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Rex]

The following is a true story.

I am a total non-gambler, I don't even know how to put a bet on anything and I am not interested in finding out. I saw too much when I was a kid.

I often have very vivid detailed dreams.

When I was a young boy, I dreamed about a horse race. I saw the finish and remembered the winning horse's name.

When I got up, I checked the newspaper and there was a horse of that name running in a forthcoming race. It was not a well-known horse and I never read the racing pages.

My father was a regular gambler. I told him about my dream and told him to back that horse.

My father said there was no point, because that horse was not going to win.

Good job he didn't listen to me, because that horse came nowhere. Just makes you think!

[Rex]

South of the border, down Incognito way,
I went where no-one knows, to shed my clothes,
At Secret Bay.

I there met a lady, whose name I can't say,
We met on a blind date, down Incognito way.

And now my thoughts wander, down I-don't-know-which way,
To my unknown encounter, down Incognito way.

-------------------------------------ANON

Hmmmm?..Here that secret bay south of the border is in Mexico.. where's south of the border in Austrailia...Incognito could be a little cold to shed your clothes.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

This is my last post.

Hey all just wanted to say goodbye. Sorry if I am off topic and this is not very funny. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

To all my buddies...you guys are the greatest!
Odie, Moboy, Stevenf64, Joke-anaan, FireProf, Barleybob, fred 950, stan-steam1922, NoodJuggler, Tiny, GreenSunshine, ercNY, Suntied, and to my first good buddy Gamblefish.
Love you all like family. Hugs /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


I have learned so much from this site, but life for me goes on in a different direction.

Best of luck to all the posters here.
A big hug to everyone.

CYA hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

And WHY is this your last post? I know, since it's your last post you probably won't answer, but you will certainly be missed. I love your jokes; you submit the funniest ones, better than I can find. We need someone here with your sense of humor, or at least I do. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

What happened that you're leaving? /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[NudeAl]

Ditto,
HW I hope you will come back from time to time and visit. I know I have had to take a break from this BB now and then but I always seem to make it back. I hope you do to. We need more light hearted humor that you tended to bring to these, sometimes to serious, discussions. Good luck and God bless. I hope you find what it is you are looking for. You will be greatly missed.

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
This is my last post.

Hey all just wanted to say goodbye. Sorry if I am off topic and this is not very funny. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

To all my buddies...you guys are the greatest!
Odie, Moboy, Stevenf64, Joke-anaan, FireProf, Barleybob, fred 950, stan-steam1922, NoodJuggler, Tiny, GreenSunshine, ercNY, Suntied, and to my first good buddy Gamblefish.
Love you all like family. Hugs /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


I have learned so much from this site, but life for me goes on in a different direction.

Best of luck to all the posters here.
A big hug to everyone.

CYA hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I am quite honored to have been your first buddy here hw. You are da bomb!! Even though I do not come here much anymore, I will always have great memories of the times we had here. Life changes and people come and go in and out of our lives.

You and Mike are special people, and I wish you all the blessings in heaven upon whatever you do.

Your buddy, Fish...<"))))))>{

PS...Everytime you see a dead fish...think of me and I'll be there... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Rex]

I don't know what to say, so I'll let a song say it for me:

Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

You do have my best wishes hw

Rex

[fred950]

Where ever your new direction take you, I hope we-all will be with you.
Hugs and hopes, Fred /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Just logged in and learned the devastating news...Pleaaaasse Hw ...Say it isnt so...just a late April fool joke...not funny at all /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[tarsus]

indeed the only thing that stays the same is change. "love" hw

[Jochanaan]

I miss you already, hw! Friends forever! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif xo

Who's going to give me something to laugh about now without hw? Her jokes were the funniest.

[tarsus]

well jon-marc,i can put on a dress and heels,my blonde wig and fancy hat with the feather------
oops wrong web site. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
h*ll i still miss angel,i wonder if anyone here remembers her any longer? it will soon be a year
since she last answered. so i know how many of you feel right now.

[barelybob]

You have always brought a ray of sunshine to this bb. Something I will truly miss. Good Luck and best wishes to you and yours! Again, you will be truly missed.

Bob /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[Dave M.]

HW- You have are asset to this forum and its sad that you are going.Your wit,humor and wisdom will be missed. Good luck In all you do!!

[missouriboy]

Sniffle!

[R.M.GREENMAN2]

Yeah, she use to PM me just to say,"Cheer up, and did you hear the one...."

[OZJames]

?In theatre, words are only a design on the canvas of motion. Theatre is a nexus of symbols, many of them visual, and dramatic literature cannot find an audience until those symbols are embodied in appropriate stage imagery. Very important then, in my view is a scene with buck naked actors?

from the producers annual conference !!!!

JAMES /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

HIGH URINALS
A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her than none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "penis" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

i am just wondering how many of you heard about the guy who made the new voting machines for flordias election? he said "i would do anything to help george bush win" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif does anyone see any thing wrong with this picture? ole george has done and will do anything to win. we had a long discussion about film maker moore on here once,well now disney and miramax will not release his new film [anti-bush]. why? because disney is afraid of flordias gov.[georges brother].
look out people,the rightous right is on the march! [even the democrats are to conservative]
hw would know why i posted this here,i hope when she returns she will fire off a volley. it would be good thing to have her back.

[hairyhomer]

VOTE THE SON OF A BUSH OUT! /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gamblefish:
I am quite honored to have been your first buddy here hw. You are da bomb!! Even though I do not come here much anymore, I will always have great memories of the times we had here.

Your buddy, Fish...<"))))))>{

PS...Everytime you see a dead fish...think of me and I'll be there... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
Don't know for how long, but I must say I was impressed with all the good wishes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

And Fish buddy.....I saw a dead fish on the beach the other day. A seagull came by, thought it was a bank and left a deposit! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[FireProf]

Today is a good day...what made it even better is a post from "hw". /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Good to hear from you whenever you can! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hurray! You made my day...Welcome back!...Hope the voices are back too...Odie

[OZJames]

Talking about fish -

What do you call a fish with no eye?


FSH!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(I think thats' how New Zealanders say it)

JAMES

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
Don't know for how long, but I must say I was impressed with all the good wishes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

And Fish buddy.....I saw a dead fish on the beach the other day. A seagull came by, thought it was a bank and left a deposit! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well, I'll be!! Glad to see your 'shroomhead is in full bloom again...you stinker.

Hey, that fish was my cousin Carppon!! Guess Carppon got crapped on... Bet that didn't improve the smell there in Aroma, Ca.!!

BTW...welcome home. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[tarsus]

the prodigal mushroom returns! quickly send someone to kill the fatted toad,for we shall have a feast to celebrate her return to us.

[tarsus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hairyhomer:
VOTE THE SON OF A BUSH OUT! /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>while i do not care for michacal moores films,what we are seeing is the control that bush has over america at this time. for those who don't know miramax is owned by disney. bush will win flordia again, thats a given but he can be defeated if the other states get enough turnout.
the cuban sector controls florida at this time,and bush is courting them heavly.
we will continue to see an eroding of free choice if he is reelected,in the name of safety and freedom.
"they that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" -- benjamin franklin.
"we must be able to criticize what we love.
to question,"is this whats best for you" to say "no" as well as "i love you" we must not let the dream die too many have died to keep it alive
shall we dishonor their memory?---tarsus
off the soapbox. sorry,blame the "voice of freedom"

[missouriboy]

"A seagull came by, thought it was a bank and left a deposit!"

I overheard one robin tell another, "I just made a small deposit on a used car." I walked around front and sure enough, it was MY CAR! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif (Well, it seemed like the voice was coming from the robin.)

Hey, it looks like I was right, over in Miscellaneous, when I said this board would get brighter! Welcome back, hw. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

Gee guys, you're making my mushroom blush! /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif
I never knew how many people enjoyed my voices. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif (Although, from the length of this thread, I should have guest.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hey Moboy did you flip this bird when he left a deposit on your car? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

http://www.StupidVideos.com/?VideoID=684

tarsus...I am Bushed. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[nudejosh123]

Just thought that I would make this thread a bit longer because it isn't long enough.

[hw]

Ok guys...enough of the Mush-y-room stuff. Here is something I can really relate to. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Stages of Motherhood ...

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You perish your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. ( So true, so true. That's why school is so important!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

-4th baby teach oldest how to feed,change dirty diapers,cook,clean, & babysit and remind them this could happen to them to if they don't abstain or use protection! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

WELCOME BACK HW /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
hh /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

hw..That car really flipped the bird...Thanks for the fun link /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb

HH...never got past the second....Sounds like you've learned you parenting skills well /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb

[hairyhomer]

Yes I have outdoorbare. Three boys and one girl. After the first two sons we adopted the girl to make sure we got the right sex this time and then two years later put in another order for a biological girl and got another boy! Got fixed after that! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hh /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[tarsus]

my experience as a father.
1st baby [bottle feed] boil everything.thought roof was leaking turned out it was moisture from steam. runs to hospital 205
2nd baby [breast feed] [we knew better]
rinse out the dish feed kid
please take that knife away from her
what the h*ll was that noise?[kid body surfing down steps.]
runs to hospital 1 [choked on food,thank god it wasn't the first one]
3rd baby [born premature,wife almost died could not breast feed].birth weight 3lb 6oz.
brought home at 5 pounds [size of a nice bass]
she will wake up if she needs anything.
rinse bottle will you.
that dish will be o.k. she just ate out of it.
has anyone seen the kid today?
btw natures voice started calling [no not the call of nature] went on second nude hike this year.loved it saw a wild turkey [no it was not my reflection in the water hw]. want to go again but the best spot has been closed since an ice storm in feb.of 2003.guess they are going to let it rot out,but thats what makes it so great no one went there much except serious hikers,if i can get someone to drop me off so car not there to alert rangers i may try it before it gets too hot.

[Trailscout]

I grew up in a neighborhood of boys (mostly). I don't know what internal mechanism was causing this, but females were scarce.

Among our tribe of boys, there were only two girls. They got lots of attention even at an age when we mostly played baseball and swung from ropes in the trees.

Eventually one of the girls moved off and the other one found a boyfriend. As we got older and our interest in the opposite sex increased, we had to leave the neighborhood in order to see girls much as one must go to the zoo in order to see a giraffe.

Finally late in my high school years, a new girl moved into a house down the street from me. She enjoyed lying on a chaise lounge in her front yard, working on her tan. One of the boys ran his car into a telephone pole, he was so distracted by the exotic sight of feminine beauty. I think her name was Lorelei. I never wrecked my car, but I had to fight hard to keep my eyes on the road as I drove by her house 10 or 12 times a day.

When the time came to enroll in college, I picked a school where the ladies outnumbered the guys by a wide margin. I began going out on dates for the first time.

Mothers give birth to a nearly even number of boys and girls each year, but at least for a while, one gender seems to get bunched up in some spots, so we go wandering off elsewhere looking for mates.

Take this forum for instance...

hh...after 2 girls I saw the writing on the wall and figured since the work load seemed to have quadrupled....I needed the snip...Odb

[tarsus]

lol lorelei? sounds like the name of a greek goddess. i am sometimes glad i have gotten too old to play the dating game. i still buy green bananas,but i have no plans to start a tree farm.

[hw]

tarsus you said: btw natures voice started calling [no not the call of nature] went on second nude hike this year.loved it saw a wild turkey [no it was not my reflection in the water hw].

If you heard Natures Voice that could have been your reflection in the water tarsus. If you were drinking Wild Turkey it was your reflection! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

The voice says: Happy Birthday tarsus! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:


I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>:jochanaan whoops and gives clenched-fist salute: Praise the Lord and pass the jokes! xo

How many nudists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. We just build a privacy fence and go outside! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[OZJames]

How many NUDISTS does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. It only takes one to change the bulb, but it takes another one to
hand him up the new bulb becase the first one has nowhere to put it while
he climbs the ladder.

JAMES /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

Good one James! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The
brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the
top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them
realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides
to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all
the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time
downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[FireProf]

hw,

Stages of Motherhood...rotfl(??) The Prof laughed so hard she almost had an accident!!

[hairyhomer]

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

The sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the road with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So the sheriff arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The cowboy says, "Well, it's like this sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside, and she pulls off her top, and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy." And here I am.
See, Blonde Men do exist.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FireProf:
hw,

Stages of Motherhood...rotfl(??) The Prof laughed so hard she almost had an accident!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Fire if Prof ROF at that one, she better get prepared for this one. I hope she can Depend on you to help her off the floor this time! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


MOM - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would
have done it!!
POSITION:

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,
must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social
gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to
be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability
for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor
maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so
that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for
life if you play your cards right. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hmmmm?...hw.. Sounds like the same description as my job as a Dad...A Fathers work is never done.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb

[a1922stanley]

Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My cheqer tolled me sew.

[missouriboy]

"My cheqer tolled me sew."

NOPE! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Marie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful wife, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family woman."

Evelyn commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Judy said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, she's moving!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

Two golfers were waiting there turn on the tee when a naked woman ran
across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carring two buckets of sand were
chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear. One of the
golfers asked the old man, "What the hell is going on?"

The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying
to escape, and us attendents are trying to catch her."

The golfer said "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her the last time."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume
filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excite him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?


Mine could use some ironing too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
hh /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[shãybare]

Bubba:"Sue Ellen do you think you could marry someone like me?"

Sue Ellen:"Well, I guess, If he wasn't too much like you."
_________________________________________________
"Joan could have married anybody she pleased."

"Then why did she never marry?"

"Because she never found anyone she pleased!"
_________________________________________________

[missouriboy]

Hey, ya want some new clues as to your status as a redneck? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

You might be a redneck if...

Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.

Hey Moboy ..do I haf to say yes to all of them to be a true Redneck.. My neck is pretty red all right but I can only say yess to 75% of the clues...I survived the emissions test cause my old chevy ragtop is over 25 and CA no longer requires it.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Hey, Moboy, have reddneks ever heard of prenuptual agreements?

Stanley: Awl wriiiiite! (Accept that won chequer.)

[missouriboy]

I dunno. My favorite is the confused garbage man.

[Jochanaan]

Confused garbage man?

[missouriboy]

Yeah... "Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays."

[missouriboy]

Howdy everybody... hw is having access problems, and asked me to post this for her. Enjoy. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Our wonderful English language:

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP. At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning....People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP---you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP..
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP..
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP...!!!!!!

Just one last thing...when we pass on I hope we go UP!

[tarsus]

"up" just sounds better. i mean doesn't "universal poop" sound better then "thats a load of bull sh*t"?
and as for hw having access problems,so what i got hemrroids to. but you don't hear me complaining. and fix that spell checker so i don't have to guess at what you are saying.
as for the confused garbage man, here in ky. we value non running cars,old sofas,and truck seats,[these can be used interchangebly of course]. washing machines,dryers,junk tractors,lawn mowers are not to be touched.
and while i am at it. never insult anyone here in beautiful ky. that girl you said was ugly may be that mans sister,the father of his childern. and if you come looking for daisy mae or whoever you won't find her,she don't live here any more. she moved to jersey. gotta get back to the still,got me a new radiator i am just "dying" to try out.

[hw]

Thanks Moboy! My computer has not been UP to Par for quite some time. The popUPS have been horrible lately. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Hmmmmm I wonder what Tiger Woods do in a situation like this? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus do the people in Kentucky go to family reunions looking for dates? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

quoted by hw---tarsus do the people in Kentucky go to family reunions looking for dates? --
hell yeah,where do you think i meet mine?
if i could get into barn the start with,i would sent you a copy of "application to be a ky wildcat fan" its tacked to the wall however. and i can't find a tack puller. anyway with so many tables,sofas and chicken sh*t i don't go in there.
i love these fourms, its like p*ssing in a pair of dark pants,no one notices,but it does give you a warm feeling.
quoted by hw.--The popUPS have been horrible lately.-- sounds like someone has aol [ads on line].
i longer suffer from pop-ups,its the only thing that does go right however with this thing .

[Trailscout]

In Georgia, we take pride in not marrying within the immediate family like they do further north in Appalachia. Cousins are not, however, immediate family and you shouldn't fear the offspring that will result. A good 10 percent are born with all their fingers and toes (and no extry), so if you have 10 kids, chances are good that one will turn out normal. In some of our remote hollers, if you didn't marry a cousin, you would die a lonely man.

There is usually a way around most problems and our method of dealing with our limited bloodline is no exception: If a man with six fingers on each hand marries a woman with four fingers per hand, as many as half the kids turn out with five fingers and that is right good for Trailscout country.

We hear tell of one family that lived in the woods on the other side of Elm Gap and they all had thick fur and walked on their knuckles. Last year some news reporter from Atlanta come up here and said that they wasn't folks at all, but was critters that escaped from a delivery truck that was on its way to the "Primate Center" whatever that means. Anyway half the folks in Elm Gap holler had already married into that family by the time the news man told his opinion of them. It got them so riled up mad that they shot him in the rump with buckshot and run him clean out of Elm Gap holler for such hateful talk. A man can badmouth his kin all day long, but let a flatlander come up here and say the same and he's liable to get hisself killed.

The only way in or out of some of them Georgia hollers is to walk for three days on treacherous narrow trails only to emerge in the next holler where you'd find plenty of marriage-minded female second cousins waiting to greet you. Most of us don't think it is worth the risk to life and limb and we stay in our own holler.

I'm the only one with a tellyphone here in Trailscout holler and we like to never get that cord run up over the ridgeline. So I hiked for 2 weeks south until I got to Atlanta and bought me a computer and a book that showed how to use it. Then I hitched up my phone line to the computer and until the squirrel chews through the line again, I can send messages out to INA forum from Trailscout Holler.

[Jochanaan]

Reminds me of the story 'bout a hillbilly couple watchin' TV one evenin'. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Ya know, it's jest terrible how them homosexuals are tryin' ta git married! Why, that's an abomination!" And his wife says, "Yes, daddy." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Ah heerd which state they was in, but Ah fergit. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Jochanaan]

So, hw, your computer was acting UP? Must've been hearing the wrong voices. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[fred950]

Acting UP? How 'bout U.P.? For us train guys, that's Union Pacific. No, I'm talking about the real U.P. Jon-Marc, be honest, Is there any part of the L.P. as pretty as Yupper-Land? Unless you mean the area immediately below Mighty Mac, I don't think so. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

We have four seasons here in Michigan--Cold--Colder--Coldest--and BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! With a little heat thrown in now and then for good measure and to show us what we're missing! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I've never been UP to the U.P. I can certainly understand why anyone would prefer a warm climate to this eternally cold place.

[Trailscout]

I can recommend Porcupine Mountain Wilderness State Park in the U.P. of Michigan. I went skinnydipping in the Presque Isle River, ate my fill of raspberries and thimbleberries and bagged Government Peak all in a few days time. It was beautiful country, second to none, and very few people live there.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
quoted by hw---tarsus do the people in Kentucky go to family reunions looking for dates? --
hell yeah,where do you think i meet mine?
if i could get into barn the start with,....
...anyway with so many tables,sofas and chicken sh*t i don't go in there. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus Shut that door! Were you born in a barn or something? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
I kinda figured you met your dates in a dark alley...

a bowling alley. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Trailscout you are so inventive. How did you manage to get the internet to work through two soup cans and some string? Amazing! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Joke-anaan my voices told me, to tell you,
to tell your voices, that they can kick your voices butts anytime! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

HW,

Internet communication is nothing but a bunch of electronic bits strung together.

If you strum on a long piece of twine, that creates vibrations that you can put together to make a signal on the other side. The soup cans just amplify the signal a bit.

I know that some folks can use smoke signals as a means of Internet relay, but my blanket was never wet enough and it caught fire before I could finish downloading a file. That's when I went back to string and soup cans.

Now its a long way from Atlanta to Trailscout Holler, so it takes about 50 miles of twine nailed to pine trees and 200 trained squirrels spaced every quarter mile along the path.
Everytime the string vibrates, it releases a peanut from a tilted soup can down a vacuum cleaner hose into a bird feeder.
The squirrel hops down from the pine tree onto the bird feeder tray and vibrates the attached string even more than before and thus strengthens the signal.
Needless to say we have a lot of down time with a system like this, but its the only way to get the Internet to Trailscout Holler.

Now I am considering upgrading my Internet to dialup, that's why I run 50 miles of phone cord from Atlanta and on over the ridgetop. I am still studyin' how to make phone line send Internet signal without squirrels and peanuts, and to tell the plain truth, the little fellers are chewin' on the phone cord like they never did on the string.

Where it finally gets to my cabin, the twine ends at a metal wire connected to a nine volt battery. The vibrations of the string connect and disconnect the electrical connection to the battery and create a set of electronic pulses that go to the modem of my computer. From this point, my computer operates like any other. We dammed up Bucksnort Creek and generate electricity to run the computer, as well as to provide a steady supply of water for the family business, bottling that spring water according to an old family recipe. My uncle asked me to keep my trap shut, so I can only say that we process the water before putting the cork on the jug. I don't mind telling you that whenever we want high speed Internet, we just give the trained squirrels a swig of the Trailscout family recipe and they commence to shaking and running in circles and we get a whole lot faster signal over the string lines for a good hour or two until them squirrels get tuckered out.

[OZJames]

Well Trailscout, that "takes the cake" BUT does it cost more than $75 per month to feed the Squirrels ?

JAMES /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

Hey Trailscout, if you sold the film rights to Tales of Trailscout Holler, you'd be able to afford endless supplies of string and peanuts.

And don't forget to include the skinnydipping scenes!

[missouriboy]

Trailscout:

"My uncle asked me to keep my trap shut"

Was that the one your sister calls "Uncle Dad?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Trailscout Does the Moon-shine more in Trailscout Holler than it does in say, Missouri?
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Those trained squirrels sound much more intelligent than the ones in CA. The squirrels in CA play dodge car and they always lose. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Everytime the string vibrates, it releases a peanut from a tilted soup can down a vacuum cleaner hose into a bird feeder.
Is this where the expression from soup to nuts came from? Hmmmmmmmmm????? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Moboy...I believe the correct name is "Uncle Dad Second-Cousin Grand Daddy Bubba".
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

I'm My Own Grandpa


It sounds funny, I know,
But it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know,
But it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

If you would like to hear the music, go to:

http://users.cis.net/sammy/grandpa.htm

[missouriboy]

Rex, my parents had that song on a 78! I loved it. I think it was by Arthur Godfrey.

[langbein63]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Rex, my parents had that song on a 78! I loved it. I think it was by Arthur Godfrey. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The version I remember was by Guy Lombardo (I think)

[Trailscout]

Arthur Godfrey was Ray Stevens' father? Or son-in-law if you prefer?

[Trailscout]

Here's a painting that depicts me with cousin Trailene walking the path across Elm Gap from Trailscout Holler.
You can see why most folks don't attempt to leave their own holler.

http://www.vallejo.spb.ru/1982c/attheend.jpg

[tarsus]

quoted by hw--- tarsus Shut that door! Were you born in a barn or something?
I kinda figured you met your dates in a dark alley...

a bowling alley. [i will understand how to do this someday]
no hw,but i was born on a hillside,and bowling alleys are well lighted family fun centers,we have a "real ball" there. [just bring your own shoes--or wear good socks].
and a good golf course has a par three-five [with 4 as an average] per hole with seventy-two being par for eighteen holes---i am wore out just thinking about it,haven't used the old driver for some time. matter of fact everything is covered with dust and cobwebs,i guess i should clean it up and sell it.never use it any more after all. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
hey! i had to edit this,because i just seen where it went 30 pages! this thing is 30,its over the hill--just like hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

I heard Grandpa Jones do that song.

Trailscout,

That looks like a pretty rugged place where you live. Are those some of your cousins in the background, or are they from another family? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Jon-Marc, In reply to your question, "Are those some of your cousins in the background, or are they from another family"?

We'uns studied on this long and hard and come to the conclusion that anybody or anything from Trailscout Holler is cousins, even if they don't have the family tree fully leafed out yet.

I admit that some of our cousins at Elm Gap is a mite rough and scraggly lookin' but none of us believe what that newspaper reporter from Atlanta said about them.

[Jochanaan]

hw, who said I heard voices? I get so lonely here in my place without any voices to keep me company. Your voices can kick my butt anytime--as long as they stick around to give me a massage. Aiiie! Did I type that?

TS, that painting looks suspiciously like a trail I climbed once in the Rockies--except that there aren't any orcs or trolls here. Nor dwarves; or if there are, they're staying deep underground. And global warming has driven the yeti far north. Just mountain lions and bears and coyotes, oh my!

[Trailscout]

Jochanaan, you have got plenty of critters to watch out for when you go hiking that's to be sure. Don't underestimate squirrels and field mice. They can raid a backpack as easily as a bear. And the trail itself calls for some watching. If you step on some wet moss where the trail gets narrow, you might be in for a slide.

I will say that hiking in the backcountry often takes you to nudist country. It's worth the trouble!

[hw]

Rex thank you for this: http://users.cis.net/sammy/grandpa.htm
I've only heard it sung by Tom Arnold on the movie called The Stupids.


<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
quoted by hw--- tarsus Shut that door! Were you born in a barn or something?
I kinda figured you met your dates in a dark alley... a bowling alley.

[I]How I do what tarsus? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hmmmmmm

no hw,but i was born on a hillside,and bowling alleys are well lighted family fun centers,we have a "real ball" there. [just bring your own shoes--or wear good socks].

Only one ball at a bowling alley? Sharing can be fun I suppose.

i am wore out just thinking about it,haven't used the old driver for some time. matter of fact everything is covered with dust and cobwebs,i guess i should clean it up and sell it.never use it any more after all.

One word here...V-i-a-g-r-a /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif


hey! i had to edit this,because i just seen where it went 30 pages! this thing is 30,its over the hill--just like hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I resemble that remark. But isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
hw, who said I heard voices? I get so lonely here in my place without any voices to keep me company. Your voices can kick my butt anytime--as long as they stick around to give me a massage. Aiiie! Did I type that? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It certainly wasn't me Jokeanaan! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif (Must have been the voice of confusion speaking in a foreign language.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
End of transmission of voice massage. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

quoted by hw---Only one ball at a bowling alley? Sharing can be fun I suppose.--- i am not sharing my balls with anybody! anyway they are custom.

i may all ready told this---- a boy moved from kentucky to new york city,and meet his self a girl. well they decided to get married after some time. but he left her that same night. next day a co-worker asked "why did you leave your new bride the very first night?".
the boy looked at him with disgust and said "she was a virgin.if her own family won't have her,i sure don't want her.
well time to go shoot at some food,cause i have a powerful hunger coming on.

[missouriboy]

Trailscout, if I were you I'd marry Cousin Trailene in a heartbeat. O be still, my beating heart!

Tarsus, yeah man, it's 11:30 here right now, so I gotta sign off and go kill a chicken for lunch. Yummy!

[Trailscout]

MoBoy said, "Trailscout, if I were you I'd marry Cousin Trailene in a heartbeat. O be still, my beating heart!"

Why, thank you for the suggestion! Sometimes you tend to take a gal for granted because she's been with you since the mountains were just hills, but then I look up and say to myself, "I don't know what I'd do without Trailene."

She's got all her fingers and toes, which is pretty remarkable for Trailscout Holler and she can scramble up a rocky trail as good as I can. Maybe I need to set down with her sometime soon and have a good long talk about such things.

I hope you enjoyed your chicken dinner! A plate of hot roasted chicken fresh picked from the barnyard flock is a sight better than one of those grocery store shrink-wrapped things they call chicken.

[Jochanaan]

So, Scout, are congratulations in order?

[nacktman]

Is there anyone else who hears the anvil chorus while funny little people are talking giberish at them?

Does anyone know the answer to this riddle---
What is the last thing that passes through a fly's mind when it hits the windshield?

What is the atomic mass of air?

Who invented chicken nuggets and why?

Just some of the great questions of your time.

[Rex]

Originally posted by Trailscout:

"I hope you enjoyed your chicken dinner! A plate of hot roasted chicken fresh picked from the barnyard flock is a sight better than one of those grocery store shrink-wrapped things they call chicken."

In Bali you can eat two kinds of chicken. You can eat at an expensive restaurant and get a big plump white tender variety, possibly pumped up with who knows what. That would be one imported from Australia.

Or you can go to an ordinary restaurant [of which there are literally thousands] and eat a smaller, possibly not quite as tender chicken, which has far more flavour. I believe it would also contain far more natural nutrients, because it has scratched around and eaten natural food from the mineral rich volcanic and alluvial Balinese soil.

And the second, more healthy choice would cost you far less.

[Rex]

Originally posted by nacktman:

"Who invented chicken nuggets and why?"

Probably the same guy who invented fish fingers.

Why? Because he didn't have a goose which laid golden eggs, so he thought of the next best thing!

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nacktman:
Is there anyone else who hears the anvil chorus while funny little people are talking giberish at them?

Does anyone know the answer to this riddle---
What is the last thing that passes through a fly's mind when it hits the windshield?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>answer: It's a**!

[nacktman]

Damn and here I thought I was being clever...LOL
---------------

What price fame!

---------------

Laugh everyday your lungs need the exercise.

[tarsus]

quoted by trailscout---I hope you enjoyed your chicken dinner! A plate of hot roasted chicken fresh picked from the barnyard flock is a sight better than one of those grocery store shrink-wrapped things they call chicken. ---
ever worked or known anyone who worked in a chicken processing plant? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
oh yeah give me one from the barnyard please.
and those that say "feed an organic diet" huh,well if it decays its organic,so like what are they feeding the non-organic? marbles?
and chickens will eat anything--and i mean anything. someone pass the tofu please

If you want some really good eggs, get then fresh from a farm. You'll never want store bought eggs again.

[missouriboy]

Holy Cow!!! My ONE-THOUSANDTH post!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Hold-on Moboy! The bucket brigade is lining up now. We'll have you cooled in a sec. Meanwhile, see if you can get a winder open to let a little of the heat out of the house.

[nudeM]

Posted by Jon-Marc: "If you want some really good eggs, get then fresh from a farm. You'll never want store bought eggs again."------------------------------------

Direct from the egg factory is the only way. By the way, has anyone ever seen an egg factory? Just a thought.

Off topic, but hw and myself are back on the forums. We were away for the long weekend and when we returned the computer lost the entire data. In other words, it crashed. Hw just purchased a new one yesterday. So here we are.

Now back to the question of the day. Has anyone ever seen an egg factory in action?

Mo-boy, one thousand posts. One of the few who have stuck around through the thick and thin of the forums. So when is the two thousandth post going to be? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I'd still like to know who the first person was who said, "I think I'm going to eat that white thing that just came out of that chicken's butt." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Congratulations Moboy! Maybe if you hurry you can catch up to me. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Jon-Marc it was probably the same guy who figured out by putting olives in lye they weren't poisonous anymore. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

nudeM have you ever seen an "Egg Plant? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Rex]

An egg plant WHAT?

Egg Factory..Egg plant...plant what...what egg...Which came first?...ah ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa... I' /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif ve gone mad