Are My Voices Offending You?

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Belated Congrats, HW & nudeM, on the 25 together.

I ate catfish yeterday and will eat catfish again today. But not the heads.

[NakedGary]

Gamble fish is really into this "I'M DE FISH!!!!!" Stuff, WoW! Maybe hiding so not to be at Risk! You know, all this fish head talk!

http://www.bartsystems.com/URLImageArchive/shark1.jpg

[gamblefish]

Hiding!?!? Ha!! NEVER!!

I PITY the fool who messes wit de FISH!!!! Whoo-aaaaaaaaa!!

'Specially if yer a cat...


http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/toughfish.jpg

[NakedGary]

Turn that around

http://www.bartsystems.com/URLImageArchive/dontask.jpg



Don't Ask (http://bartsystems.com/URLImageArchive/dontask.jpg)

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Talk about turning the tables! That is one smart bird.

[NudeAl]

I tawt I taw a puddy tat!

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by shaybare:
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Talk about turning the tables! That is one smart bird.

He is definitley my hero!!

[hw]

Originally posted by gamblefish:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by shaybare:
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Talk about turning the tables! That is one smart bird.

He is definitley my hero!! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

<span class="ev_code_RED">Hey Fish....your hero is a bird-brain!</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Jochanaan]

hw, I see with regret that your avatar is still missing...

[Trailscout]

I have seen HW's real image. I don't want to reveal too much, but just imagine someone with wild hair and a sneaky grin on her face most of the time. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/toughfish.jpg [/QUOTE]

What a stupid cat! After he lost the first paw to that piranha, he should have left the fish alone, but noooooooooooooooooo, he had to go back for more.
(And went home with less) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_RED">Hey Fish....your hero is a bird-brain!</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Oh yeah baby!!


Better to be <span class="ev_code_RED">bird-brained </span> than pigeon toed...OUCHIE!!! That smarts!!!


http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/pigeonfeet.jpg

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by Trailscout:

What a stupid cat! After he lost the first paw to that piranha, he should have left the fish alone, but noooooooooooooooooo, he had to go back for more.
(And went home with less) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Cats is stoopid alright. Would you expect any more from an animal that poops in the house?

[hw]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
hw, I see with regret that your avatar is still missing...

Yeah Jokeanaan for some reason I just can't seem to get my <span class="ev_code_BLUE">Flashing Mushroom </span> to work right. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by gamblefish:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_RED">Hey Fish....your hero is a bird-brain!</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Oh yeah baby!!


Better to be <span class="ev_code_RED">bird-brained </span> than pigeon toed...OUCHIE!!! That smarts!!!


http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/pigeonfeet.jpg </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

<span class="ev_code_RED">Quick somebody call a Toe-Truck</span>!!!!!!!!!!!

[hw]

Originally posted by Trailscout:
I have seen HW's real image. I don't want to reveal too much, but just imagine someone with wild hair and a sneaky grin on her face most of the time. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


<span class="ev_code_RED">And the most amazing part of this is Trailscout survived without a scratch!!!! </span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_RED">And the most amazing part of this is Trailscout survived without a scratch!!!! </span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
You can learn a lot by watching how animals solve their problems.
If you don't want to get scratched, you simply need to get up a little bit earlier in the morning than the wildcat! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
http://www.bartsystems.com/URLImageArchive/dontask.jpg

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">That is so true Trailscout. It is also true that you must stop and smell the roses. Spring is in the air and all my flowers are in bloom.
Fish is so excited he sent me a dozen roses! Want to see them? </span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


Scratch and sniff


Turn up your speakers and follow the directions.

Scratch and sniff


Turn up your speakers and follow the directions.


http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

[gamblefish]

Sniiiiiiiiiiiiiffffff...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

There is nothing quite like the aroma of freshly squeezed rose hips...

Glad you enjoyed the fragrant bouquet hw.

[S.M.A.]

Oh gamblefish... you'll tiptoe through the tulips with practically anyone...

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[missouriboy]

Eh? What was that about toes through the two lips? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hairyhomer]

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I know it's May and the two lips http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif should be blooming but the cold wet weather here keeps telling the voices in my head its December! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
Yeah Jokeanaan for some reason I just can't seem to get my <span class="ev_code_BLUE">Flashing Mushroom </span> to work right. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
Well, hey, at least the mushroom is back! And it doesn't need to flash; we're doing all the flashing. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Well, hey, at least the mushroom is back! And it doesn't need to flash; we're doing all the flashing. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Butt Joke.. now my thighs are missing!!!!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif


Stolen Body Parts




Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

HW, sounds to me like someone has also stolen your voices as well!

OTOH, someone dropped off a gut on me! After years of being skinny, I woke up to find a huge balloon under my belly-button!

Mmmmm, now that I think of it, I didn't have it untill after I started working for the Government!!

Call out Molder and Scully! Where are the Horsemen? I smell a conspira http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gifcy here!

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
Butt Joke..
<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Puh-leeeeeeeeease!</span> No butt jokes! This is supposed to be a family forum! (Although some of us, including, I regret to say, myself, have definitely pushed the boundaries a bit. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif)

[hw]

Originally posted by fred950:
HW, sounds to me like someone has also stolen your voices as well!

OTOH, someone dropped off a gut on me! After years of being skinny, I woke up to find a huge balloon under my belly-button!

Mmmmm, now that I think of it, I didn't have it untill after I started working for the Government!!

Call out Molder and Scully! Where are the Horsemen? I smell a conspira http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gifcy here!

Fred..quick...go to your Dr. No, now!!!! I'll wait....

.................................................

ok was it was what I suspected? You are pregnant with Elvis's alien baby!!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
Fred..quick...go to your Dr. No, now!!!!
Dr. No? I thought Agent 007 put him out of business. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by hw:
Fred..quick...go to your Dr. No, now!!!! I'll wait....

.................................................

ok was it was what I suspected? You are pregnant with Elvis's alien baby!!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/elvisalien.bmp

[fred950]

I just got back from Dr. Who's office.

He claims I've been nine -and-a-half months for the past five years now!

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/elvisalien.bmp


This can mean only one thing...CANCER MAN DID THIS TO ME!!!!!

[hw]

Originally posted by fred950:
This can mean only one thing...CANCER MAN DID THIS TO ME!!!!!

I hope not Fred, could be gas.
*****************************************
NUN


A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES
THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY
AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER
NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128
LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY
GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE
MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO
THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT
READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND
YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE."

SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT
DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT
THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND
STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE
LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY
THIS AGAIN."

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO
CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE
NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE", BUT GETTING
DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP
HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED,
SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS
TRULY REMARKABLE!
I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED
AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[stevenf64]

HEY HW
Without looking back ,,,,what oh what was in your mind when you started this topic.....

can she do it ladys and gents????
just my 1 1/2 cents worth
steve

[hw]

Originally posted by stevenf64:
HEY HW
Without looking back ,,,,what oh what was in your mind when you started this topic.....

can she do it ladys and gents????
just my 1 1/2 cents worth
steve

Hey Steve...sure I can. This topic was started because of some flack I was getting about my voices...I thought if I was offending the majority here I would change my signature....butt as it turns out...the only one who was offended by my voices is no longer with us.. and I am so sad about that. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

This is an Off topic thread so anything posted here is right on topic. Corky told me he had no clue as to what this whole thing was about but it was the most popular one. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

I think Corey and Corky secretly come to this topic to look for jokes and get in touch with their own, inner voices. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Now Steve think about this one for me would you? If a chicken has a yeast infection does it lay <span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Yeaster Eggs?</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/innervoice.jpg

[hw]

Fish is just jealous cause my voices are louder than his voices. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
If a chicken has a yeast infection does it lay <span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Yeaster Eggs?</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I doughn't know. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

I found this in my local phone book yellow pages. Why it is listed on the same page as Hotels I'll never know. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif



The Next Survivor Series



Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to the television when the kids are asleep and all the chores are done. There is only one TV between them and....THERE IS NO REMOTE!!!!

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or making four lunches.

The men must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after sick children at 3:00 am; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if.....
he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years....eventually earning the right to be called MOTHER.

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

It was listed under "Hotels" because that's where you will find them hiding after the first day. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif


Scroll down for the Answer















BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[shãybare]

The Next Survivor Series

The last man wins only if.....
he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years....eventually earning the right to be called MOTHER.

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Sorry, hw, but you made one big mistake. You left out one most important item.

PMS http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by shaybare:

Sorry, hw, but you made one big mistake. You left out one most important item.

PMS http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Shay, buddy.....men do have PMS</span>. The difference between men and womens PMS is men's PMS lasts all month !!!!
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[a1922stanley]

Nope hw, the voices in your head are not offending me. HOWEVER, the vioces in MY head are driving me crazy. Especially they little guy with Tuba, who keeps playing the same verse from "The Witch Doctor!"

Har Har Har

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
hw, I bow to your intellect and voices. Being a man, I do not recognize the PureMentalSh-t in myself.

stanley, you are so sooooo cruel!! Now I can't get rid of that tune. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[hw]

Originally posted by a1922stanley:
Nope hw, the voices in your head are not offending me. HOWEVER, the vioces in MY head are driving me crazy. Especially they little guy with Tuba, who keeps playing the same verse from "The Witch Doctor!"

Har Har Har

I can Name That Tune in one note....Fish can name that Tuna with both fins tied behind his dorsel. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Shay, all your haha's have filled the page to the max. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif</span>

Stanley, nice to see you hangin' around the forums once again. Welcome back!!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Now I must ready my broomstick to fly out of this place. lol http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Going coastal, yet again.
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

(Shay..my voices are telling me it's vacation time....got room?) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[stevenf64]

Originally posted by hw:
I found this in my local phone book yellow pages. Why it is listed on the same page as Hotels I'll never know. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif



[b][i]The Next Survivor Series



Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.


http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

This sounds WAY to easy that why most of us assign these Menial chores to our subordinates (read Wifes) (ducking guickly)..... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Hey HW if a man says something in a forest and there isnt a women around to hear him... Is he still wrong???? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Love the yeaster eggs, but how would you tell if they went bad?

steve

Hey think we can hit 100 pages by Fall?

[shãybare]

Originally posted by hw:
(Shay..my voices are telling me it's vacation time....got room?) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hw, your cell..er..uh..I mean your room is waiting.

[hairyhomer]

Lost Wife http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Two old guys are wandering around Wal-Mart when their shopping carts collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and she's wearing really short shorts. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif What does your wife look like?"

"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours". http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[tarsus]

hw i see this has reached 78 pages now. should we call it "the pages of the ages" or just the "page of the aged"? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[GhostFreeHiker]

Can we freehike on the path of enlightment?

[tarsus]

indeed we can freehike on the path.enlightment is a never ending path,for it is the journey,that is important,there is no point at which we can say "i have arrived".
we are but travelers,each of us. many will never find the path,but for those who do; something wonderful awaits.
prehaps someday ghostfreehiker we shall walk for a distance,side by side down the path. while we may never meet,if you seek the path,i will sense your presence,and in turn you will sense mine.
can you feel it?
continue down the path sense the wonder.

[tarsus]

and no i am not some kind of fruitcake,i did not get left behind when the banana boat left port. nor did i fall out of my tree. told you i could sense it. sometimes when i am by my self i feel like i am in a room full of people,i am not crazy--------but some of them are a little questionable.

[harveym]

Test your sanity? In the attached file, say the color, not the word.

[tarsus]

my brain keeps saying word even though i am saying color.not as easy as i would think.

[krcNY]

that is pretty weird, cool

[krcNY]

Originally posted by stevenf64:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by hw:
I found this in my local phone book yellow pages. Why it is listed on the same page as Hotels I'll never know. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif



[b][i]The Next Survivor Series



Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.


http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

This sounds WAY to easy that why most of us assign these Menial chores to our subordinates (read Wifes) (ducking guickly)..... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Hey HW if a man says something in a forest and there isnt a women around to hear him... Is he still wrong???? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Love the yeaster eggs, but how would you tell if they went bad?

steve

Hey think we can hit 100 pages by Fall? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

HW forgot to mention.... the man needs to have the stomach bug while doing all of this.

Steve: Yes, the man is still wrong.

[hw]

Originally posted by krcNY:
HW forgot to mention.... the man needs to have the stomach bug while doing all of this.

Steve: Yes, the man is still wrong.

krcNY is so right Steve.....yes the man is wrong. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif Hey krc, when do moms get to call in sick???? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">tarsus I was always told to walk the straight and narrow but I decided to expand my horizons; take a walk on the wild side if you will. Now I walk the wide and crooked path. I meet a lot more interesting voices on this path.</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

Steven Wright says he walks his dog around those narrow ledges high up on buildings, because...

"I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths!"

Now, you talk about a guy with voices in his head... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

LOL hw, I always knew you were a wild woman! Well, some people say our lifestyle is a walk on the wild side, and then some! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

So-o-o-o, what do your vices--uh, voices tell you these days? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
LOL hw, I always knew you were a wild woman!
So-o-o-o, what do your vices--uh, voices tell you these days? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Not wild Joke...just got wild looking hair! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

My voices tell me some people don't check their PM's on this forum. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif They also tell me they haven't heard from my buddy Odie...what is up with that? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

They also say you need a good laugh so:

<span class="ev_code_RED"> 1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name.?"
__________________________________________________ ____________


2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, because I still have mine"
__________________________________________________ _____________

3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a
week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
__________________________________________________ _____________


4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
__________________________________________________ ______________


5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
__________________________________________________ ______


6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
__________________________________________________ ________


7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________ ___________


8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
__________________________________________________ ______


9. The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the
chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
__________________________________________________ ______


10. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and
asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could
start by buying me a drink."
__________________________________________________ ______


11. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
__________________________________________________ ______


12. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks
him how he is feeling.
"I'm O K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used
in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS ! </span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
My voices tell me some people don't check their PM's on this forum. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Oops! Busted! What's worse, it was for something I didn't do! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif Actually, though, I seldom feel I have to check for PMS. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Oops! Busted!

<span class="ev_code_RED">Oh yeah? Me too! LMAO</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Originally posted by Jochanaan: What's worse, it was for something I didn't do! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif Actually, though, I seldom feel I have to check for PMS. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

You should really check your PMs....Now PMS is another matter. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Your suggestion to call these forum discussions Strips instead of Threads is perfect!
Especially in the funny pages...we could call them...Comic Strips. LOL
</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


<span class="ev_code_BLUE">OMG http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Page 79....Somebody stop me!!! LOL</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[S.M.A.]

So in other words, you're giving us a strip tease... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Stuart

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Oops! Busted!

<span class="ev_code_RED">Oh yeah? Me too! LMAO</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Well, I have to admit you do keep <span class="ev_code_RED">abreast. </span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[S.M.A.]

Watch out Jochanaan, we might have a convicted <span class="ev_code_GREEN">melon</span> on our hands.

Stuart

[missouriboy]

As long as it's not bigger than two hands (and one mouth) can manage. That's defined as waste. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[OZJames]

Is that STRIP from the WASTEUP or WASTE DOWN ?

OK I don't mind if you guys call me a melon head

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[slo]

OZJames:
My voices kinda recollect that you said us folks from California were different, real different. MY thinkem-up just thunk what do you mean's by different??? Friend from Jersey just said I was odd and from California. Hmmm!

SLO and good-ones at ya mate.

[OZJames]

slo - I don't think I said anybody from anywhere was "different" but maybe that's "oldtimers" disease setting in. So if I can't remember what i said then I certainly can't explain what I meant http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by OZJames:
Is that STRIP from the WASTEUP or WASTE DOWN ?
Yes. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by OZJames:
Is that STRIP from the WASTEUP or WASTE DOWN ?

OK I don't mind if you guys call me a melon head

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif


<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Ok...JAMES is a melon head! lol http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Butt at least you're not Italian, or are you? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif</span>

<span class="ev_code_RED">That's Italian (http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html)</span>

[barelybob]

Thatsa' funny! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NudePete]

I think this part of the <span class="ev_code_BLUE">strip</span> may have been a <span class="ev_code_GREEN">waste</span> of time.

[OZJames]

CHI ME HA DETTE UNA TESTA DEL MELONE ?

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by OZJames:
CHI ME HA DETTE UNA TESTA DEL MELONE ?

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif


<span class="ev_code_GREEN">WHO ME HAS SAID ONE HEAD OF THE MELONE?</span>

How many heads do melons have? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[krcNY]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by hw:

My voices tell me some people don't check their PM's on this forum. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif They also tell me they haven't heard from my buddy Odie...what is up with that? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif


<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Were you bustin on me? I finally did check my PM's today. I am trying to find my voices, they are out there somewhere. I will be here more often, I have some time now.</span>

[harveym]

PMs? How about this:


A GROUP OF WOMEN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR AND TOOK THE CALL. WHEN SHE FINISHED SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."


THE KENTUCKY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHER WOMEN RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE KENTUCKY WOMAN SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? I'M GETTIN' A FAX!

[hw]

Originally posted by krcNY:

<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Were you bustin on me? I finally did check my PM's today. I am trying to find my voices, they are out there somewhere. I will be here more often, I have some time now.</span>

I wouldn't do that to you krcNY. After all, us PMS-ers have to stick together! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


<span class="ev_code_RED"> Proverbs

(A lot of goods ones here. You may have heard a
couple.)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one ever listens; until you fart.

Always remember you are unique; just like
everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. (I wonder what happens if you give a Fish a beer?) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.



There are two theories for arguing with women.
Neither one works. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get
slapped on our ***; then things get worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That occurs around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them better.</span>

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">The best one I heard recently was from a mutual buddy.
He said:
You can pick your friends, but you can't wipe them under the couch.</span>

Care to guess who said that? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[krcNY]

God must really like stupid people....he made so many of them. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[gamblefish]

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/beavisbutt.gif


Huh huh huh, Huh huh huh, stoopid people are cool, Beavis...

Yeah! Yeah! Cool!!! Hmmm hmmm!!


Originally posted by hw:
(I wonder what happens if you give a Fish a beer?) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif



http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/drunkfish.jpg

[Naturist Mark]

God is an Iron (http://deathwish.net/arch/godisaniron.htm)

"If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron."

-Spider Robinson

[krcNY]

Some people are like Blotters;

They soak up everything....but get it backwards.

[harveym]

There are three kinds of people in this world - those who can add and those who can't.

[Trailscout]

True, Harvey

I would also call your attention to the odd fact that there are those who are capable of multiplying but are unable to add. Think about that for a minute! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[krcNY]

My mind is made up..........don't confuse me with the facts!!!!!

[missouriboy]

Three kinds of people...??? Huh? I thought there were only two:

Those who divide people into kinds, and those who don't.

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by Trailscout:
I would also call your attention to the odd fact that there are those who are capable of multiplying but are unable to add. Think about that for a minute! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Yep, and each of them is really somebunny.

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by harveym:
There are three kinds of people in this world - those who can add and those who can't.
According to someone on another forum, there are actually 10: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[harveym]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by harveym:
There are three kinds of people in this world - those who can add and those who can't.
According to someone on another forum, there are actually 10: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

But that makes sense. I alway thought that 1+1=10

[melissastarr]

No, 1 + 1 = 11 silly. Or, if you're a Christian, 1 + 1 + 1 = 1

Melissa

[hw]

I know a guy who added 1+1 and got 4, then he added 1+1 again and got 6!!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Care to guess? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif



1+1+ + + + + + + + .... = 80 pages of great reading! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[stevenf64]

Originally posted by hw:
I know a guy who added 1+1 and got 4,

1+1+ + + + + + + + .... = 80 pages of great reading! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hey HW,
If a guy says something and there is not a women around is he STILL WRONG??? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

ANYways to keep this off topic topic going (and yes I know I could have just started a new thread) I wanted to wish Nude M a happy Birthday http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif(a day early of course to you but remember im in a different time zone, its already saturday here http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif)

[hw]

Originally posted by stevenf64:


Hey HW,
If a guy says something and there is not a women around is he STILL WRONG??? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Yes</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

ANYways to keep this off topic topic going (and yes I know I could have just started a new thread) I wanted to wish Nude M a happy Birthday http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif(a day early of course to you but remember im in a different time zone, its already saturday here http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif)

<span class="ev_code_RED">Steve not only are you in a different time zone...you may be in a different country as well. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif </span>

<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Happy Birthday nudeM, I have your cane and rocker all ready for you. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif</span>

[gamblefish]

Happy Bidet M-ster!!!!!!!!!!

Remember:

http://www.geocities.com/gamblefish@sbcglobal.net/1823GrowingOldMale.jpg

[S.M.A.]

"Growing old is not for sissies." I'll keep that in mind when I turn 21 in August.

Stuart

[Joe M.]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[krcNY]

Time may wrinkle the brow but should never weary the spirit.

Happy Birthday NudeM

[Jochanaan]

Hey Fish, if growing old isn't for sissies, is it for <span class="ev_code_BLUE">fishies</span>?

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by Joe M.:
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Do I hear an echo in here? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by melissastarr:
Or, if you're a Christian, 1 + 1 + 1 = 1
Amen, sister! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[shãybare]

Happy Birthday nudeM,

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Sorry I'm late. But Happy Belated.

[nudeM]

I haven't been here for a while (working of air conditioners), so I missed the Happy Birthday wishes. Thanks to everyone. Even though I am not in that much shape, but I am definately in better shape that the photo, Fish. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif But I do feel that way sometimes.

[Joe M.]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Joe M.:
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Do I hear an echo in here? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I just noticed you posted that too http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by Joe M.:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Do I hear an echo in here? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I just noticed you posted that too http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Great truths "bare" repeating. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[missouriboy]

What about those who also understand octal?

[shãybare]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
What about those who also understand octal?

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Is that one of those things that live in the ocean and have eight legs? Or is it someone with only an eighth grade education?

Am I having an octal illusion or what?

[gamblefish]

Shay, you are an octal illusion.

Either that, or there actually is a weathervane growing out of your groinal area... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Jochanaan]

Octal? Is that anything like fractal? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

I just filled the ol' jalopy with 89 Octal Petrol.

[missouriboy]

testing, 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7....
testing, 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7....
testing, 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7....

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(Well, it's twice as easy as hexadecimal.)

[Jochanaan]

"Testing" = zero? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[S.M.A.]

He's implying that only zeros go "testing."

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[harveym]

How about a 'test tickle'?

[Jochanaan]

ROFLOL That's painful, Harvey! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

Relationship Mathematics



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[nudeM]

Excellent equations, Moboy. It's the little things that go by unnoticed, until someone brings it to their attention. Very funny. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[harveym]

Definition of a neurotic:
A neurotic is someone who worries about something that didn't happen in the past instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future like normal people.

A neurotic builds castles in the air. A psychotic lives in them. A psychiatrist collects the rent.

[missouriboy]

Q. What do you call a donkey with no bottom?

A. Jack.

[OZJames]

Sorry, but I don't get it. My dictionary defines donkey as:-

"***" "stupid person" - well perhaps thats my problem ?

"***" is defined as "related to horse but smaller" and is also defined as "arse", well that's closer. "arse" is the same as "bottom" so therefore a male donkey (Jack) is an "***" (arse by definition) therefore it could not NOT have a "bottom" because it is one http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Q. What do you call a donkey with no bottom?

A. Jack.
OUCH!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

OZJ, over on this side of the Pacific pond we call a male donkey a jacka$$.

[OZJames]

"DUH"

[hairyhomer]

Why do people get shocked when they work with electricity? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

They don't conduct them selves very well. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[barelybob]

And I thought it was because they weren't well grounded in this profession. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Being well-grounded was the problem. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[OZJames]

"well GROUNDED" - maybe that's why the SPARK seems to have gone out of this topic.

We need some more bright sparks
http://www.brightonscience.com/einhead.jpg

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[OZJames]

This one was emailed around when Australia first became concerned about terrorist attacks, it was thought that this test would weed out terrorists who would not be able to control themselves. Though it was meant as a joke it probably would have been more effective than the millions the government spent on anti-terrorist fridge magnets;
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of
alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless Australia!
By the way, if you see anything suspicious, the terrorist hotline in Australia is 1800-123400

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[barelybob]

I believe this should be a worldwide effort. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by barelybob:
I believe this should be a worldwide effort. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


<span class="ev_code_BLUE">I agree Bob, we could call it the "NAVEL". Kind of a take off on the "WAVE" that was so popular a few years ago at sporting events.</span>

<span class="ev_code_RED">N= NAKED
A= AND
V= VERY
E= ENERGIZED
L= LADIES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[OZJames]

HW - did you just make that up ?? - You are just one amazing lady

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by OZJames:
HW - did you just make that up ?? - You are just one amazing lady

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Thanks OZ...no it was the voices! ROFLMAO http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(Mom always said don't play with your food, but she never said anything about my words!) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


Now some quotes I think are just soooooooo true!

<span class="ev_code_GREEN">

GREAT "LADY" QUOTES



Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-


Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-



A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-



Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-



My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-



Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-



A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-



The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-



Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-



Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-



I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-



When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-



I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-



If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-



I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-



When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..

-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-



I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-



I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-



Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-
</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere
little budgie in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass,
Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand
place."


He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."


BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!



PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole
says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.


Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."


BUT WAIT!!!!..... There's MORE!!


PART THREE:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs
holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down
and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Ole parrotshooting ...... and now Lars is hengliding....." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[S.M.A.]

I agree Bob, we could call it the "NAVEL". Kind of a take off on the "WAVE" that was so popular a few years ago at sporting events.

N= NAKED
A= AND
V= VERY
E= ENERGIZED
L= LADIES

Oh yeah? How about:

T= TWENTYSOMETHING
I= IMBECILES
T= THAT
A= ARE
N= NAKED
S= SERENDIPITIUSLY

[hw]

What are you???



Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and
Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few days and try to come to a consensus.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click click click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

ooooohh!!..Does that mean Republicans act without thinking???...What would the voices say to do? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif...

[shomymojo]

LOL...Some of us "lifelong Democrats" grew up hunting too...and enjoy the feel of a nice balanced side by side quail gun...but two shots should be enough to fill the skillet...( winks)... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by outdoorbare:
ooooohh!!..Does that mean Republicans act without thinking???...What would the voices say to do? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif...


<span class="ev_code_RED">Well Odie, although the voices would love to whip out the cookies and milk... that was not one of the options.

The voices would say..." Stand up for your self like a republican and don't let others make decisions for you like certain other parties.</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Oh sho please leave the quail alone, they are just too cute to be dinner. </span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[S.M.A.]

Originally posted by shomymojo:
LOL...Some of us "lifelong Democrats" grew up hunting too...and enjoy the feel of a nice balanced side by side quail gun...but two shots should be enough to fill the skillet... (winks)... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Has anyone noticed that Bush administration right now is the complete opposite of the Johnson administration circa 1965? Think about it: Democrat president, Democrats controlled the House and Senate, a 5-4 majority in the Supreme Court...

-Stu

[fred950]

Originally posted by S.M.A.:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by shomymojo:
LOL...Some of us "lifelong Democrats" grew up hunting too...and enjoy the feel of a nice balanced side by side quail gun...but two shots should be enough to fill the skillet... (winks)... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Has anyone noticed that Bush administration right now is the complete opposite of the Johnson administration circa 1965? Think about it: Democrat president, Democrats controlled the House and Senate, a 5-4 majority in the Supreme Court...

-Stu </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


Yup... and anyone care to remember what happened to LBJ?


Read my lips...NO NEW TEXANS!!

[hw]

Originally posted by fred950:

Yup... and anyone care to remember what happened to LBJ?


Read my lips...NO NEW TEXANS!!

Oh thanks fred, I thought the quote was: No Nude Texans !! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


<span class="ev_code_RED">Now try this personality test. It really works!!!</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif


Personality Test


In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.
They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!


Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN



If you have chosen:


a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.


Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my azz.

Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NudeAl]

Originally posted by hw:
What are you???



Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and
Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few days and try to come to a consensus.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click click click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

I think I love you HW! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I always considered myself a conservative Democrat along the lines of the old Southern Democrats. I guess it's time to change with the times in order to remain true to my feelings I'll have to give serious thought to becoming a Southern Republican.

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_RED">The voices would say..." Stand up for your self like a republican and don't let others make decisions for you like certain other parties.</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Such as whether to protest how the Iraq war is being handled? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
(I love you, sister hw, even though we're on opposite sides here. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif )

[hw]

Al and Joke..I love you too. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif I pretty much love everyone.

Happy Bunny has some really out there sayings, I think one that really applies to my way of thinking is: <span class="ev_code_RED">Hate is a special kind of love we give to people who suck.</span> May be a little blunt, but it does go straight to the point.

Anyway, the original question was:

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and
Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.



Of course I am the female in this situation, but I would have no problem defending my family and myself if it came down to it. Call it the Mother bear/bare defending her cubs syndrome.

Hope you are all enjoying this 3 day weekend...my thoughts and prayers are with those in the Gulf States who have lost so much. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Wow hw 83 pages ....<span class="ev_code_RED">CONGRATULATIONS</span>

[EricNY]

Outdoorbare,

I hope you asked HW for permission, before you posted her picture!!!!

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

No its not the Beautiful Naked Lady....Its The Real Me...Cloning gone terribly wrong...Here is another sad example... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Originally posted by ercNY:
Outdoorbare,

I hope you asked HW for permission, before you posted her picture!!!!

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NakedGary]

Michael Jacksons Dog

OK ercNY ...here's one for you... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

HAHAHAHA....Very cool.

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

And Slightly creepy!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Hmmmm???..I see nudeM only has his head showing on his avatar...maybe thats really him.. A Dogle? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif...Here's another

[hw]

Well thank you Odie! Those are some very fine critters. Perhaps our Bush Bashing friend, Captain Zen has an explaination for these fam-ily-iar looking animals. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

ercNY.....Althouth I appreciate the compliment, these pictures do not capture the real me. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I still don't have those winning lottery numbers Captain Zen. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Glad you liked the critters...maybe you'll like this one...Very colorful ..<span class="ev_code_PINK">Like You!!!</span>

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">B</span><span class="ev_code_GREEN">e</span><span class="ev_code_BLUE">a</span><span class="ev_code_PINK">u</span><span class="ev_code_PURPLE">t</span><span class="ev_code_RED">i</span><span class="ev_code_GREEN">f</span><span class="ev_code_BLUE">u</span><span class="ev_code_PINK">l</span> <span class="ev_code_RED">!!!!!!</span>

Is that a bog or a dird? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

It's a Bird Dog.....isn't that a song?

Hey bird dog stay away from my quail...Loved the Everly Brothers

Originally posted by ercNY:
It's a Bird Dog.....isn't that a song?

[missouriboy]

I like the Belly-Me Brothers, too.:

"If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?"

[Nu]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
I like the Belly-Me Brothers, too.:

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?"


The Belly-Me Brothers?
Sounds like a line from Monty Python's Flying Circus. LOL

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by Nu:
The Belly-Me Brothers?

Hmmm...are they any relation to Ralph Belly-Me? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

well now 83 pages. have not been here for a while. pixs are funny i need a good laugh. as for old george,captain zen if you heard some of his mothers comments about the displaced people of new orleans,you would know where he gets all those bushisms from;seems to run in the family.

[Chance]

Speaking of songs, there is a good, funny one by Johnny Horton called "The Electrefied Donkey". I don't know if I spelled it right though.

[S.M.A.]

Originally posted by Chance:
Speaking of songs, there is a good, funny one by Johnny Horton called "The Electrefied Donkey". I don't know if I spelled it right though.

Sorry, but I'd much rather listen to "I Got a Hole in My Pirogue."

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Chance]

'Don't think I have ever heard of it... Although the lyrics look pretty funny. lol

[EricNY]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


4. Rottweiler: Make me.


5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."


12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:


"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

15.St Bernard: We're too busy doing rescue work...Have some brandy and learn to live in the dark... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

Originally posted by outdoorbare:
15.St Bernard: We're too busy doing rescue work...Have some brandy and learn to live in the dark... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


OH yea...good addition...od bare is the man!!

any other additions???

OK...
16. Doberman...You change the bulb or your *** is grass

[sliver]

17. German Shorthair Pointer. I won't change the bulb but I'll point you in the right direction. Just don't miss on the first try.

[OZJames]

JASON LEE QUOTE - "Cats are a better choice as a pet than Dogs."

GOOGLE SEARCH 1.
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince hem that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
GOOGLE SEARCH 2
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.

ANSWER –
Seems like cats win because at least the light bulb gets changed

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Yes, but does the cat care whether the bulb is changed or not.

[OZJames]

Absolutly right Shãybare - I like dogs better anyway even if they can't change lightbulbs

QUOTE -
"By Megan, Grade 7, Junior High School, Madiera, Ohio, USA

Hi, I was just telling you that you are so right about dogs being better than cats. My reasons are that:

1. Cats are very stinky
2. Dogs are way smarter than cats because they can fetch and do lots of other tricks
3. Dogs are man's best friend.
4. And the last one was just that dogs are way better than cats will ever be untill eternity ends."

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

To hw and the others who I have had fun with sharing the voices ...I would like to say thank you and goodbye...After more than 3years...the voices are telling me its time to leave...<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Best Wishes To You All</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[krcNY]

Hope you will stop back from time to time to say hello.

Good Luck in all you do http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[fred950]

Originally posted by shaybare:
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Yes, but does the cat care whether the bulb is changed or not.


Beyond if it's food bowl is full, does a cat care about ANYTHING? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif


ODB, has it really been three years? How time flies when you're having fun Best of luck to you. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[barelybob]

You will be missed!

[EricNY]

Odie....outdoorbare...wow I can't beleive it.

I hope you stay in touch now and then.

I will miss you my friend.

I wish you health and happiness

[shãybare]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
outdoorbare,
Your wisdom and humor will be strongly missed.

[David77]

Hey Outdoorbare, you can't do that to us! That is like a slap in the face! You can't leave us just like that! You threatened to leave once before. Maybe you are going on a short vacation? What defence do you have for leaving the board? Why?

P.S. I have become addicted to this forum board and maybe I should leave so that I can get more work done, but I seemingly won't. (I think that I will go out and paint the garage door, - I hope).

[S.M.A.]

Originally posted by ercNY:
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Upon reading all the amusing responses, I gotta ask: what would a Maltipoo do in this situation?

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[krcNY]

I hope you have a punchline ?????

[EricNY]

Originally posted by S.M.A.:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by ercNY:
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Upon reading all the amusing responses, I gotta ask: what would a Maltipoo do in this situation?

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I gotta ask What IS a Maltipoo?

[David77]

I gotta ask What IS a Maltipoo?

A litter of puppies produces "multi poo".

[shãybare]

I gotta ask What IS a Maltipoo?

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
A mix between a maltese and a poodle.

[EricNY]

Ohhhh ... Thanks Shay never heard of one.

Good one David


Hey BTW do you think HW would be mad if I locked this thread just before it turns 100 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[krcNY]

Originally posted by ercNY:
Ohhhh ... Thanks Shay never heard of one.

Good one David


Hey BTW do you think HW would be mad if I locked this thread just before it turns 100 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Do you have a deathwish???????

[EricNY]

C'mon she lives 1,000 miles away....what is she gonna do email me to death http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by outdoorbare:
To hw and the others who I have had fun with sharing the voices ...I would like to say thank you and goodbye...After more than 3years...the voices are telling me its time to leave...<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Best Wishes To You All</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">(((Odie))), my dear friend, I hope I am not to late to say goodbye to you. I will miss your SA humor; your kind, gentle manner. Most of all, I will miss your art work.

Who knows, one day when you least expect it, I may step up to you and say Smile, you're on hw/SA camera!

Be safe, be happy buddy!</span>

[hw]

Originally posted by ercNY:
Ohhhh ... Thanks Shay never heard of one.

Good one David


Hey BTW do you think HW would be mad if I locked this thread just before it turns 100 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


<span class="ev_code_RED">Well, well, well what has been happening here? Mr. ercNY a Moderator now....hmmmm. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Conflatulations!!! May the farce be with you. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
(BTW are you having the monkeys help you?</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Maltipoo:
1. What happens when you spend too much time in a malt shop.
2. What malt shop owners wash their hair with.

Of course this could all be just voice Re-Runs</span>. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Naturist Mark]

Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got in first.

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
There's a lot of truth to that.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Reminds me of the Realist Club's response to Murphy's Law: "Murphy was an optimist!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
But what if it's all going your way? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Or, "Horn broken; watch for finger." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[KetchumMaine]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

But what if it's all going your way? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


Then you refer to the previous rule: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gifhttp://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If you don't see a tractor trailer comming through the tunnel, perhaps he doesn't have his lights on.

[missouriboy]

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

She has freckles on her... BUT she's pretty!
On the other hand, she has warts...

[krcNY]

Some people are like a Blotter......

They soak up everything but get it backwards.

[Jason Lee]

OZJames

dogs are infinitely inferior and woeful compared to cats.

cats are advantageous.

dogs are disadvantageous.

[hw]

A backward poet writes inverse.
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Australian Local Area Network: the LAN down under.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[harveym]

The mental patient who escaped from the institution and raped some women - The headlines the next day:
Nut Bolts and Screws

[jon71]

This isn't original but here goes. A panda goes into a nice restaurant and orders a meal. After eating the waiter brings him the bill. The panda pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and starts to walk out. The manager stops him and asks him why. The panda said "I'm a panda. Look it up". The manager gets a dictionary and looks up panda. It says "a large black and white mammal. Eats shoots and leaves".

[Jochanaan]

hw, not only are you funny, but you're well-organized. (Without even visiting an organ loft, I suppose.) I've seen most of those gems before, but this is the first time I've seen them alphabetized. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[S.M.A.]

Originally posted by harveym:
The mental patient who escaped from the institution and assaulted a women - The headline the next day:
Nut Bolts and Screws

The daughter of a soda company exec is kidnapped and held for ransom. The headline:
No Deposit, No Return

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[krcNY]

Remember a child
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[hw]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
hw, not only are you funny, but you're well-organized. (Without even visiting an organ loft, I suppose.) I've seen most of those gems before, but this is the first time I've seen them alphabetized. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Thank you, Joke-anaan. I don't think I am that well-organized, but I can do a mean copy and paste. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
You are right, I don't think I've ever visited an organ loft. I have, however, seen my share of hay lofts. The one I saw most was in the barn near the house I grew up in.
And no, I was not born in a barn, in case you were wondering. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif</span>

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_BLUE">You are right, I don't think I've ever visited an organ loft. I have, however, seen my share of hay lofts. </span>
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<span class="ev_code_BLUE">And no, I was not born in a barn, in case you were wondering. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif</span>
I'm glad you clarified that. I was about to start calling you Mrs. Barnes. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Joke, buddy...you can call me anything you want butt I have some sad news for you.</span>


<span class="ev_code_YELLOW">Pot'o Gold (http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgj_joke.asp?at_num=5415)</span>

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[grl66]

Haven't read the whole thread yet so sorry if it's a repeat butt....

Q. How do you catch a unique bird?
A. You neek up on it.

Q How do you catch a tame bird?
A. The tame way of course.

[hw]

Originally posted by grl66:
Haven't read the whole thread yet so sorry if it's a repeat butt....

Q. How do you catch a unique bird?
A. You neek up on it.

Q How do you catch a tame bird?
A. The tame way of course.

<span class="ev_code_RED">grl66, repeat butts are great, it let's the Newbies or Nude-Bees in on the joke. Welcome to the forums. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif</span>

[harveym]

PUNS



Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Oboe: An English tramp.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes

[missouriboy]

Originally posted by grl66:
Haven't read the whole thread yet so sorry if it's a repeat butt....

Q. How do you catch a unique bird?
A. You neek up on it.

Q How do you catch a tame bird?
A. The tame way of course. Have to ever tried using a whistle?

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Finally I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Joke, buddy...you can call me anything you want butt I have some sad news for you.</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
I hate to be the one to break this to you, hw, but that joke is a real crock. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[grl66]

Have to ever tried using a whistle?

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Finally I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Ahhh the old wooden whistle wooden whistle... A classic.

Careful of this one, high groan factor

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold,he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail
- it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again"
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.
You're now a shark,the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.

I've changed."........
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

[Jochanaan]

On a scale of one to ten, that one had a groan factor of fifteen. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I suppose I don't need to repeat the one about the wooden eye? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

"But Daddy, I hate my sister's guts!"

"Shut up and eat your dinner!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[harveym]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches
there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some
worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips
rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos,
the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their collected chips
to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then
the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and
cashed in.
This is all done by a chip monk.

[naturistcoloradocpl]

Hope this one has not been posted yet,
There was once two clams living on a remote beach. Bill Clam and Sam Clam.
Bill Clam went to church ever sunday, prayed nightly, and read his little clam bible.
Sam Clam, on the other hand, owned a clam disco, partied all night, drank wiskey for breakfast...etc.
One day as they were walking down the beach, poor Bill Clam was taken by a clam digger and steamed up for a good lunch.
Bill Clam ended up in heaven, where he met Saint Peter.
"Saint Peter." says Bill, " I really hate for my friend Sam, to end up in Hell, may I go back down and try to get him to change his evil ways?"
So Saint Peter says ok and Bill Clam tucks his harp in his shell and flies down to talk Sam Clam into changing his ways.
Well Bill tries, but Sam is just to set in his ways, enjoying life, and not worried about the afterlife.
So, poor Bill Clam flies back to heaven where he is met once again by Saint Peter, who notices Bill does not have his harp with him, when he ask Bill about his harp, Bill exclaims......

"Oh, I Left My Harp in Sam Clams Disco"



(groan)

[grl66]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay lah, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look on her face)
HUSBAND: (Groans audibly.)
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Huh? Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "Hmmm ... That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - Silence - - -
HUSBAND: "S**t!!!"

[grl66]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had
gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"



WAIT! WAIT! There's more……..

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless ampanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."



(. . . Wait for it ...)



"He's a dead ringer for his brother."


OK, now you can groan http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

P M S http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

1Pass My Shotgun


2.Psychotic Mood Shift


3.Perpetual Munching Spree


4.Puffy Mid-Section


5.People Make me Sick


6.ProvideMe withSweets


7.Pardon My Sobbing


8Pimples May Surface


9.Pass My Sweatpants


10.Pissy Mood Syndrome


11.Plainly; Men Suck


12.Pack My Stuff


.and my favorite one..


13.Potential Murder Suspect

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[krcNY]

Putting-up with Mens S**t

It was a t-shirt my sister had.

Hey!..you are all having so much fun and laughs here...I am almost tempted to return...<span class="ev_code_RED">BUTT</span> I am afraid hw might try to paint mine the way she did NudeMs http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif...Happy Halloween All!!!

[grl66]

Originally posted by krcNY:
Putting-up with Mens S**t

It was a t-shirt my sister had.

LOL, Like it http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


Hey, someone once told me that PMS was named so because the term Mad Cows Disease was already taken. Is that so? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


(Disclaimer: That was just light hearted humour for those that don't get it)

[Chance]

Sorry I am going back so far, but here is the Dog Human Relationship:
Human feeds dog, dog worships human, repeat daily.


Here is the Can Human Relationship:
Human feeds cat, cat looks at human like it has never seen human before, repeat daily.

[KetchumMaine]

Why did the CIA Agent cross the road?

There was no agent, there was no road, and you didn't see or hear anything.

[hw]

Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hey!..you are all having so much fun and laughs here...I am almost tempted to return...<span class="ev_code_RED">BUTT</span> I am afraid hw might try to paint mine the way she did NudeMs http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif...Happy Halloween All!!!

<span class="ev_code_RED">Awww..Odie you always CRACK me up and put a smile on my CHEEKS !!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Is that Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater? ?? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif </span>

<span class="ev_code_BROWN">Happy Haunting !!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif</span>

[grl66]

OK, this one is long (hopefully not too long for the page) but worth it IMHO

It is a letter written by the English to America just after the American election debarcle of 2000


In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 1.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 1.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "######".

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are **** and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

[grl66]

And now for the American retort.

TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN
IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted ****. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

[grl66]

Guess I worked out how to kill this thread didn't I. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

I wouldn't be so sure. It's like the monster in the movie. You're positive it's been destroyed. Then comes the sequel. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hairyhomer]

True tool definitions: http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the ore you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they an also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
>hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
>the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds
them off.

w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

[shãybare]

Originally posted by barelybob:
I wouldn't be so sure. It's like the monster in the movie. You're positive it's been destroyed. Then comes the sequel. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
This thread reminds me very much of a shape shifter. Always changing but still rooted in laughter.

[krcNY]

Great Definitions Hairy...some of these I can relate to. Thanks

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by grl66:
And now for the American retort...
Hmmm...That sounds like the New England Democratic version. Southern Republicans would simply lock and load. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(For the record, I'm a Colorado Independent. I offend both major parties impartially, depending on which one holds the White House and Capitol Hill. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif)

[fred950]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by grl66:
And now for the American retort...
Hmmm...That sounds like the New England Democratic version. Southern Republicans would simply lock and load. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(For the record, I'm a Colorado Independent. I offend both major parties impartially, depending on which one holds the White House and Capitol Hill. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif) </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


The Brits would probaly say that grl66 is "Too clever by half."


Those who 'Sit on the fence' never had hemaroids!

[grl66]

Originally posted by fred950:

The Brits would probaly say that grl66 is "Too clever by half."


I think I should be offended by that fred!?!........ na, can't be bothered. LOL


Here's an old one, but as far as come backs go I reckon it's a classic.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[hw]

I have to HAND to you grl66, you have some good SA jokes! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif



<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Remember: Only YOU Can prevent Forest Fires ! </span>

<span class="ev_code_RED">Fire starter (http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgj_joke.asp?at_num=5475)</span>

*********************************************

Internet Axioms

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

There's no place like http://www.home.com

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won't bother you for weeks.

[Jochanaan]

I've been saying for years that we need new sayings based on the latest technology. Who now, for example, knows anything about horse-drawn carts, as in "putting the cart before the horse"? Or who really knows what "the whole nine yards" refers to? (No, it's not a first down in American football; that's ten yards.)

Perhaps "browsing before booting," or, "the whole web site." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[missouriboy]

"A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click."

One more: On a clear disk you can seek forever.

"Or who really knows what "the whole nine yards" refers to?"

Well, I've heard this explanation...

In medieval England, making a judge's robe required nine yards of cloth. Whenever an under-qualified person sought election to a judgeship without serving in the prerequisite lower offices first, he was said to be "Going for the whole nine yards." So, today it means inadvisable over-reaching.

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Ok guys....really Off Topic here,.... butt with HOWL-O-WEEN just around the corner....Let's play HangMan.</span>

<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Hangman (http://dedge.com/flash/hangman/)</span>

[stevenf64]

Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Who now, for example, knows anything about horse-drawn carts, as in "putting the cart before the horse"? Or who really knows what "the whole nine yards" refers to?

I do I do the whole nine yards is how women used to buy material... you could buy so many yards or a "bolt" which contained nine yard thus the whole nine yards....course that was back when women were barefoot and pregnant and seen and not heard but thats another story right hw http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[grl66]

Speaking of Halloween, here's and oldie.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[Chance]

LOL!!!

[missouriboy]

Remember the topic about changing, deleting, or adding a single letter to a common phrase and giving it a new definition? I can't find it, but I just made up another one:

Pheart Attack - a myo-intestinal infarction

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by stevenf64:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Who now, for example, knows anything about horse-drawn carts, as in "putting the cart before the horse"? Or who really knows what "the whole nine yards" refers to?

I do I do the whole nine yards is how women used to buy material... you could buy so many yards or a "bolt" which contained nine yard thus the whole nine yards....course that was back when women were barefoot and pregnant and seen and not heard but thats another story right hw http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
BRAAAP!! Try again.

[grl66]

Here's some tradtional aussie computer terminology for ya....

Log on - Make the barbie hotter

Log off - don't add any more wood

Monitor - keep an eye on the barbie

Download - get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy disc - what you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - where you hang the ute and bike keys

Windows - what you shut when its cold

Screen - what you shut in mozzie season

Byte - what mozzies do

Bit - what mozzies did

Mega byte - what Townsville mozzies do

Chip - a bar snack

Micro chip - what's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips

Modem - what you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - where the cat sleeps

Cursor - the old bloke who swears a lot

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Oh and Jochanaan, I'd be interested in hearing your version of the whole nine yards coz there's a lot of conjecture of this particular saying.

[missouriboy]

Your forgot:

Mousepad - that little hole where the mouse lives

[S.M.A.]

You also forgot:

Subwoofer: a dog that lives underwater

Stuart http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Remember the topic about changing, deleting, or adding a single letter to a common phrase and giving it a new definition? I can't find it, but I just made up another one:

Pheart Attack - a myo-intestinal infarction

<span class="ev_code_RED">Very ***-toot observation Moboy!</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

OMG! hw, you are the Best! BWAAAAAHAAAHAAHAHAHA! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[grl66]

Atheism - A non-prophet organisation

[hw]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
OMG! hw, you are the Best! BWAAAAAHAAAHAAHAHAHA! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">See Shay..told you so. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Please refer to Men Strike Back for details.</span> http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

Uh-oh! I've really started something now. Day-yum! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

[krcNY]

2 days without a post to this thread!!!!

is this a record?????

Things are getting too serious out there, I would like to hide out here for a while.

[FireProf]

krcNY,

I couldn't agree more.......the voices are much friendlier here....even if they are coming from one person! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NudeAl]

Hey can I hide out in here with you guys for a while?

[FireProf]

absolutely! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif