Are My Voices Offending You? [Archive] - Page 8

grl66

11-01-2005, 05:12 PM

What's going on you lot? There's no fun happening in the fun house. Surely life isn't that bland?

Anyway, I'm back from my long weekend and I'm still dishing out the old ones http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (oh come on, they're funny for the 2 or 3 that haven't seen them http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif)

Here's a quick test to see how our aging brains are holding up …..

Below are four questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time.

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

How'd you go? Did you get that one? Hmmm, try this one then......

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Still no good? There are four questions, maybe you'll score yet.

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10.

What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Got any right yet? ...... OK, one more chance.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again

OK OK, for those who would prefer not to own up to their score, how about a bonus question:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

So, how's the old brain doing???? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

FireProf

11-01-2005, 05:28 PM

I'm still trying to figure out how that all came to 4100.....I need to eat dinner, I think I'm low on blood sugar! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-01-2005, 05:56 PM

Well FireProf I'm not sure if this was a true test for people or just the voices. Greg certainly has proven himself to be quite the SA, which just tickles me Pink. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I bet this little old lady could have passed the test with flying colors. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

*********

Buying Groceries
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like sh*t."

The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Chance

11-01-2005, 06:45 PM

LOL!! That was pretty good.

grl66

11-01-2005, 06:55 PM

Originally posted by hw:
Greg certainly has proven himself to be quite the SA, which just tickles me Pink. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

SA? what the.....? I'm missing something here aren't I?

Oh and sorry to tickle you there hw. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(am I allowed to say that? tehe)

FireProf

11-01-2005, 07:11 PM

Originally posted by hw:
Well FireProf I'm not sure if this was a true test for people or just the voices. Greg certainly has proven himself to be quite the SA, which just tickles me Pink. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I bet this little old lady could have passed the test with flying colors. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

*********

Buying Groceries
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like sh*t."

The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

You kill me! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

One of these days I'll have to devulge my source of humor to the guys at the Fire House,but then they'll know I'm not that funny! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

11-01-2005, 08:12 PM

Originally posted by grl66:
SA? what the.....? I'm missing something here aren't I?

Oh and sorry to tickle you there hw. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

(am I allowed to say that? tehe)

Tickle away Greg, it is allowed and much appreciated. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Saying you were a SA is the highest compliment you can ever receive. It even ranks higher than a Smart aleck. Welcome to the sand box..where all the SA's hang out...isn't that right ercNY? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-01-2005, 09:02 PM

Ohhhhhhhhh you mean SA! Oh I am a silly bunt! (python quote for those who don't know http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif)

And I've proven to be one too!?! Awwww shucks. I just don't know what to say http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Speaking of SA's, how's this for an SA comeback.

It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

11-01-2005, 09:25 PM

Yes Greg, that is a perfect SA joke. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Sometimes I get stuck on themes...so here goes another:

TOILET PAPER

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-01-2005, 09:37 PM

Themes hey? A toilet paper theme seems like a bit of a s**t idea to me hw (groan) but I'll take you up on that anyway http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

missouriboy

11-02-2005, 04:22 AM

GROOOAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hairyhomer

11-02-2005, 05:18 AM

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there." http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

HairyHomer http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

11-02-2005, 07:02 AM

Yep 710. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

*****************

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

grl66

11-02-2005, 03:26 PM

Hey hw, what happened to your toilet paper theme?

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."

Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing.
Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand."

By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech.
Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously.

It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior.

When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned
astonishment: "Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."

11-02-2005, 05:47 PM

Originally posted by grl66:
Hey hw, what happened to your toilet paper theme?

It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior.

When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned
astonishment: "Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."

I suppose it got wiped out. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-02-2005, 08:02 PM

Of course you know how to recycle toilet paper don't you?

You beat the s**t out of it http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

This next one isn't a joke but I thought it was pretty cool.

Typoglycemia

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

11-02-2005, 11:05 PM

Originally posted by grl66:
Of course you know how to recycle toilet paper don't you?

You beat the s**t out of it http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I did not know that was even possible. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Butt I do know how to cook toilet paper! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I am hoping my buddy Jokeanaan can help explain this one. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Colorado Crazy Law
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)

It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.

Colorado Springs
It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

Crippe Creek
It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

So where are you supposed to park them? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Denver
You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

Wow those must be some really smart dogs if they can read the postings !

Durango
It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.

Logan County
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

Pueblo
It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.

Sterling
Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

And just where, may I ask, do you put a taillight on a cat? Duck, duck, GOOSE! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

krcNY

11-03-2005, 04:48 AM

Not about Toilet Paper, but I thought it was cute http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture! on the box, it's a
tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table . He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed................

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

11-03-2005, 06:34 AM

LOL
LOL
LOL

Thanks krcNY for contributing that.

grl66

11-03-2005, 02:20 PM

Crazy laws hey.....

Can't vouch for the validity of these but they're funny none the less.

WEIRD LAWS

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

WHAT THE….?

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination, He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

DO THEY LOOK DIFFERENT REVERSED??

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

A BRICK???

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

I’M GUESSING MOST WOULD CONSIDER THAT MUCH WORSE THAN "GOING BLIND" !!!

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

TRUE JUSTICE THERE!

Topless Saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.

WHERE ELSE?

In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

IS IT JUST ME FREAKING AT THIS THOUGHT?

In SantaCruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

PRESUMABLY THIS WAS A BIG ENOUGH PROBLEM THAT THEY HAD TO PASS A LAW??

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

BEER GOGGLE INSURANCE?

NudeAl

11-03-2005, 06:17 PM

Here's an example of having faith in your convictions your or maybe convicting the faithful.

Imagine this happening to you.

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was
surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black wearing ski masks and
carrying sub machine guns. One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to
take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."

Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the
congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20.

The man who had spoken took off his ski mask, looked at the preacher and
said "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your
service.. Have a nice day!" And the two men turned and walked out. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

You know I think I should start going to church more often it sounds quite interesting. Not at all like I remember it.

missouriboy

11-04-2005, 05:23 AM

A blonde calls her boyfriend... OH NO!! Did someone say Blonde? Again?

Here's one about a MALE blonde:

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

krcNY

11-04-2005, 05:30 AM

BLONDE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

grl66

11-04-2005, 12:55 PM

Yep, someone said blondes again.

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the
contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I
had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does
not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just
what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one
year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the
other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

krcNY

11-04-2005, 01:37 PM

I wish that would work http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

FireProf

11-04-2005, 05:11 PM

Blondes.........I love um! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-04-2005, 05:29 PM

Ah yes Fireprof, a source of much entertainment they are http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer who also happened to be blonde, asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license," and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Chance

11-04-2005, 11:32 PM

Wow.... all these blonde jokes are really funny... This is not a joke but it is pretty neat. Did yall know that if it is a female blonde it is spelled blonde, but if it is a male blond, it is spelled blond?... no wait... I just looked that up. It looks like my teacher mislead me. Blonde is an adjective, and blond is a noun. sooooo, looks like I have to ask her... when I move back... that is, if I move back.

barelybob

11-05-2005, 03:44 AM

Originally posted by krcNY:
BLONDE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

I actually pulled this on a guy once. I was framing a wall and there were some nails laying on the floor. I told him that the nails pointing toward the bottom of the frame went in the bottom and vice versa. He believed me. Of course, he wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree either. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

krcNY

11-05-2005, 09:05 AM

We had someone stop by to help us with a construction project and he offered to help. I got off the ladder and gave him the square, and I thought it was pretty funny that he did not know what to do with it. Of course I (being female) had to get up there and show him how to use it. The wood was too heavy for me to hold, but I know what to do with all the tools.

One More Construction Joke....sorry my tomboy side popping out again. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.

fred950

11-05-2005, 05:54 PM

Originally posted by grl66:

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

GRL, hate to say this but your answer is wrong.
If one over takes the last person in a race, that means the race is being held on a closed circuit course! It means you are now one full lap ahead of the schmuck in last place! Jack Brabham, Michael Schoemacher, Richard Petty, Curtis Turner, Jim Clark, Jackie Stewart, Mark Donahue, Sterling Moss, Brent Rosemeier, Roger Ward, Bobby Unser ,just to name a few, have all pulled off passing last place an innumerable number of times! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-06-2005, 06:05 PM

Fred you're not telling me that my voices are wrong are you? Surely they can't be! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. Trues SA's this lot http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not......... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is……..oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

grl66

11-06-2005, 06:23 PM

Oh hang on, we're supposed to be on blondes aren't we...............

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don’t even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!”

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The third male, a blond, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks that his wife is dumber. “I have to laugh when I think about it,” he chuckles. “Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her, and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

Pieguy

11-06-2005, 09:24 PM

Lol. So it's true what Daddy says, that everyone is ignorant of us. It's like, on this US talk show the host says "So do you really have kangaroos hopping down the main streets?"
The Aussie says, "No. They have to use the footpath like everyone else."

missouriboy

11-07-2005, 03:19 AM

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. OMG! What a great SA answer! The dumb schmuck from USA should have asked, "Will I be able to speak American..."

Alternative answer: No, all Americans are struck with linguistic amnesia upon crossing the equator. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

grl66

11-07-2005, 01:48 PM

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:

"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,

"I think the man would have said: "Well, f**k me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A true story about a 6 year olds logic hey? Me thinks this little tacka is a true SA in the making http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jochanaan

11-07-2005, 04:48 PM

Originally posted by hw:

I am hoping my buddy Jokeanaan can help explain this one. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Colorado Crazy Law
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Our Honorable (welllll...) Legislators were trying to repeal the tags that say, "UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG NOT TO BE REMOVED."

It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)

It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
That one must have been repealed, or Super Target and Wal Mart have exemptions; I've seen liquor of all kinds along with groceries in those stores.

Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
Oh my! For a red state we sure have a lot of blue laws. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Colorado Springs
It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Obviously they want to keep their Sundays, holidays, and elections violence-free. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Crippe Creek
It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Must not have had any multi-floor stables.

Denver
You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
What? No Sunday funerals?

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
That one's so dumb I can't even think of a smart comeback! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
That's so the politicians don't get assaulted on the street. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
In English or Spanish?

Durango
It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Obviously they don't like nudists; our clothes don't "become" anything! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Logan County
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
And just how are they gonna enforce that? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

krcNY

11-07-2005, 05:10 PM

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied:

"Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

grl66

11-08-2005, 05:57 PM

Hmmm, have I posted this one yet? He's an SA http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

The Deaf Bookkeeper and the Attorney

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, ***** it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

grl66

11-08-2005, 09:49 PM

A man goes to the zoo.

When he gets there, there was only a dog.

It was a ****zu.

krcNY

11-09-2005, 03:51 AM

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

missouriboy

11-10-2005, 06:18 AM

You'll be scared three-fourths to death. (Do the math... http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif ) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-10-2005, 03:09 PM

A city boy, Rodney, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Rodney replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer sheepishly mumbled, "Umm, can't do that sorry. I went and spent it already." Rodney said, "Oh, OK then. Well at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" to which Rodney replied, "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the Farmer retorted. "Sure I can” said Rodney, “Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Rodney and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Rodney replied, "I raffled him of. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $900.

Farmer, impressed by the inventiveness asked, "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won,” said Rodney, “So I gave him his two dollars back."

krcNY

11-10-2005, 05:09 PM

Talking about making money....

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

grl66

11-13-2005, 02:28 PM

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

grl66

11-14-2005, 09:38 PM

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah.! .. so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

You can groan now http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

barelybob

11-15-2005, 02:53 AM

Hey! It looks like we might make 1800.

Huh?

Oh!

11-15-2005, 02:26 PM

Originally posted by barelybob:
Hey! It looks like we might make 1800.

Huh?

Oh!

Darn bob you just barely missed it by a couple of centuries. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

****************

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

grl66

11-17-2005, 04:45 PM

Abbott and Costello - Computer Version
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel
2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1."

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

11-18-2005, 09:25 AM

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

CDC Warning

HEALTH WARNING

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately.
(Please be familiar with all of them)

l. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints and particularly,
6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's windshield. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

hairyhomer

11-20-2005, 05:47 AM

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game. "ill ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."
When the man agreed to play the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."
The man was silent for a few moments.
then he asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with four?"
Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour-but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.
The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar and went back to sleep.
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

H http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif airyHomer

grl66

11-20-2005, 04:54 PM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down ...... I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

grl66

11-20-2005, 04:58 PM

Resume Examples
These are real examples from real resumes:

*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*

- Responsibility makes me nervous.

- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.

- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

*Job Responsibilities*

- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

*Special Requests and Job Objectives*

- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

*Physical Disabilities*

- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

*Personal Interests*

- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*

- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

- I'm a rabid typist.

- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

missouriboy

11-21-2005, 06:37 AM

- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. Now that one had to be Alan Greenspan! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-22-2005, 08:42 AM

FireProf....for all you do, this one's for you! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

*********************************

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters.
"Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?"
"My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy.
" eh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?"
"Nope, Louisiana."
"Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?"
"Don't want to be called Louise, do I .

**************************

Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were resting their horses out on the range.

"What'd Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?" asked Swint.

"Pair of cufflinks," said Fess. "But I ain't got no use for them. I can't even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced."

**********************************

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!" http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-22-2005, 01:38 PM

Apparently a true story:

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

Thaw the chicken.

missouriboy

11-23-2005, 05:28 AM

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. "Do you know the difference between a 3-alarm fire and a 4-alarm fire?"

"No, what is the difference between a 3-alarm fire and a 4-alarm fire?"

"One alarm."

-- Martin & Rowan's Laugh-In

shãybare

11-23-2005, 06:12 AM

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
I am one of those persons that can't remember jokes, but I love hearing and reading them so keep them coming.

11-23-2005, 11:51 PM

Happy Thanksgiving:

Turkey (http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&s)

fred950

11-24-2005, 05:15 PM

I loved that one, HW! You da (wo)MAN!

BTW, I have a (hic) wonderful cranberry sauce recipe. My sister calls it "toxic". Don't know why. It only contains fresh whole cranberrys, pulp-style orange juice, sugar and 101 proof Wild Turkey!

11-25-2005, 06:39 PM

Originally posted by fred950:
BTW, I have a (hic) wonderful cranberry sauce recipe. My sister calls it "toxic". Don't know why. It only contains fresh whole cranberrys, pulp-style orange juice, sugar and 101 proof Wild Turkey!

Thanks Fred, you may want to try this recipie for your next family gathering. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whisky (Scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more drinks of whisky

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whisky another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whisky

Step 13: Bake the whisky for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself
a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

shãybare

11-26-2005, 06:02 AM

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
hw, I think the piece should be titled, "How to Cook the Cook".

stevenf64

11-27-2005, 11:09 AM

Hey HW
Im SURE http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif you dont speak with any experience on the subject.....
Originally posted by hw:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by fred950:

Thanks Fred, you may want to try this recipie for your next family gathering. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Step 2: Take a drink of whisky (Scotch)

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky

Step 6: Take 3 more drinks of whisky

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Just couldnt refuse (beside anything to help the cause of hitting 100 pgs. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

11-27-2005, 04:29 PM

No Steve, I don't do whisky, but I do make one hellofarumball !! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Now if you set me up with a MudSlide recipie...we all in trouble. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

(Check with nudeM on whisky, wine, and beer recipies.)

And thanks for furthering the cause; 91 and counting. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

stevenf64

11-28-2005, 01:08 PM

Originally posted by hw:
No Steve, I don't do whisky, but I do make one hellofarumball !! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Now if you set me up with a MudSlide recipie...we all in trouble. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

(Check with nudeM on whisky, wine, and beer recipies.)

And thanks for furthering the cause; 91 and counting. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Ok HW
Just for you i went out and found a holiday recipy for mudslide's ......Have NudeM make you about 3 bottles of mudslides and then order out.... (make sure its delivered, although maybe nudem jr would like to drive and pick up) http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

stevenf64

11-28-2005, 01:10 PM

Originally posted by hw:

And thanks for furthering the cause; 91 and counting. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gifHow many posts does it take to get to 100 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

11-28-2005, 01:29 PM

Originally posted by stevenf64:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by hw:

And thanks for furthering the cause; 91 and counting. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gifHow many posts does it take to get to 100 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Let's ask Owl....oops he only knows about Tootsie Pops. Come to think of it Steve....I don't think it's ever been done in the history of Clothes Free. Let's ask ercNY, maybe his monkey can tell us how many posts it takes. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Woo Hoo..92 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

missouriboy

11-29-2005, 08:19 AM

Hmmmmmmm...... maybe you could look back at some prior page and then use the same trick that redneck cowboy uses to count the cattle running thru a chute: he says it's easy, he just counts all the legs and divides by four...

grl66

11-29-2005, 02:51 PM

Hey all,

This ain't a joke, but I reckon it's worth having a look at. Now this is what I call Xmas lights! Don't know if it's CGI or not but who cares, it looks great. Ya need sound though.

Xmas Lights (http://mysite.verizon.net/tlwright6/wmv/wow.htm)

11-29-2005, 03:07 PM

Originally posted by missouriboy:
he says it's easy, he just counts all the legs and divides by four...

Great the-roy LeRoy, Moboy, unless you go by word count. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

grl that is some Aussie-some light show! Thank you very much! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

grl66

11-30-2005, 01:10 PM

Hey guys,

I've found out where Dubya gets his speeches from. He listens to the voices! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Presidential Speechalist (http://www.badmash.org/videos/videos_flv.php?v=george_bush_512K_Stream)

stevenf64

11-30-2005, 03:47 PM

Hey hw
how come you didnt reply to my holiday cooking instructions>>?????
thanks for furthering the cause; 91 and counting.[/color] http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gifHow many posts does it take to get to 100 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif[/QUOTE]

Let's ask Owl....oops he only knows about Tootsie Pops. Come to think of it Steve....I don't think it's ever been done in the history of Clothes Free. Let's ask ercNY, maybe his monkey can tell us how many posts it takes. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Woo Hoo..92 http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_cool.gif[/QUOTE]

fred950

11-30-2005, 06:59 PM

Originally posted by fred950:
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif WE DID IT!!! The INAdy 500! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

With all the talk of 100 pages, it seems like just yesterday That I posted this one!

Mmmmm...this was at the top of page 26. At that rate, when we hit 100 pages, It thread sould be within spittin' distance of 2,000 posts!

grl66

12-01-2005, 01:31 PM

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own damn business."

12-02-2005, 08:44 AM

Originally posted by grl66:
Hey guys,

I've found out where Dubya gets his speeches from. He listens to the voices! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Presidential Speechalist (http://www.badmash.org/videos/videos_flv.php?v=george_bush_512K_Stream)

I'd Gamble to say you are right grl66. That part about human beings getting along with Fish brought a tear to my eye. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Steve I think your holiday recipie called for a little too much Whisky. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Don't look now but I think the room is spinning. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_eek.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

missouriboy

12-03-2005, 02:24 AM

http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Forgive me for yelling at the cat when she walked across the carpet, but dangit, she was stomping!

{Ooooohhhh, my pounding head...}

Naturist Mark

12-03-2005, 08:45 AM

Email from my brother:

Senior Center Party

Last night I went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and ornery old Andy Thompson usually cops a feel or two from the ladies.

We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrape over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Vintage Gardens to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced..............

That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.

Well, that's another story.....................

missouriboy

12-04-2005, 05:03 AM

Which one is Andy Thompson? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

12-05-2005, 02:05 PM

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Which one is Andy Thompson? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Andy is the naked guy with the BIG

SMILE !!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

**********************************************

Mid Life

I can almost feel myself losing weight . . . . by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact , the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid- life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately (not going to take the chance).

Enjoy today... God loves to hear your laughter.

grl66

12-05-2005, 10:19 PM

Have you heard about the two duck hunters from Wisconsin?

Apparently a true story

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for$42,500 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They drive the Navigator out onto the frozen lake and get ready to place the decoys. They decide they want to make a natural looking water area forthe ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, theGUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained BlackLab used forRETRIEVING.Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with the veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""" BOOOOOOOOOOM """""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. ...And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

missouriboy

12-06-2005, 01:51 AM

Vas ze dog's name Sven -- or Olaf? http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

harveym

12-06-2005, 07:18 PM

Saw that first on the Darwin Awards website.

12-07-2005, 09:13 PM

Any church organists out there..
Miss Veronica, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The
pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while
she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated,

of
all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his
curiosity!

When she returned with tea
and
cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater,but
soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Veronica," he
said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said
to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

---well, hey! there aren't a lot of church organist jokes.......
http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

gamblefish

12-08-2005, 03:35 PM

Originally posted by hw:
That part about human beings getting along with Fish brought a tear to my eye. [/color] http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Tears hell!! I cried myself a whole dang river to swim and coexist peacefully in!!! http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif That's really beeyooteefull man!!!

grl66

12-08-2005, 05:27 PM

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%..

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude will get you there, Bulls**t and A** kissing will put you over the top!!!

luvnaturism

12-09-2005, 10:24 PM

Hmmmmm....

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same
thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

2 5 . Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

12-11-2005, 09:50 PM

Originally posted by stevenf64:
Hey hw
how come you didnt reply to my holiday cooking instructions>>?????

Guess I was too busy playing with SANTA (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/games/sobersanta.html). Use the arrow keys to move santa around.

grl66

12-14-2005, 01:26 PM

Yep it's old, but I like it.

A Christmas Story!

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the sick elves.

Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was going to come and visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then he began to load his sleigh, when one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the floor and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of tea and a shot of sherry. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk all his booze and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped his tea pot and it shattered into a million pieces and all over the kitchen floor. He got his broom to sweep all the bits up only to find that the mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door to see a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said: "Isn't it a lovely day today Santa? I brought you a lovely Xmas tree. Where shall I stick it?"

And that, my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!

grl66

12-14-2005, 01:51 PM

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

grl66

12-14-2005, 04:42 PM

International secruity alert status

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

RunningNude57

12-14-2005, 09:01 PM

grl66 - I LOVED your post about "security alerts"! That was GREAT!

Originally posted by grl66:
International secruity alert status

The British are feeling the pinch...... .

missouriboy

12-15-2005, 03:18 AM

...the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." Going to war without the French is like --- welllllll, like World War II.

12-15-2005, 08:57 AM

Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.

grl66

12-18-2005, 04:50 PM

Not that I'm trying to offended anyone by using the word Christmas http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-19-2005, 08:26 AM

Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

nimrod

12-19-2005, 10:00 AM

The voices in my head may not be real, but they still have some good ideas.

I do not know if this as been used on this thread, too lazy to read it all.

12-20-2005, 10:32 PM

Originally posted by nimrod:
The voices in my head may not be real, but they still have some good ideas.

With a name like nimrod, an avatar like that, your voices fit right in. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Welcome to the sandbox. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Redneck Tree (http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgj_joke.asp?at_num=5632)

Pieguy

12-24-2005, 02:25 AM

Henry Lawson, "The Loaded Dog." Classic Australian story.

hairyhomer

01-04-2006, 07:03 PM

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores
he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he
remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a
picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the
fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly ***** he's
runnin' around with."

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

barelybob

01-07-2006, 04:15 AM

I can't believe it's been two weeks since anyone has posted here. I think that's a record. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

nudeM

01-07-2006, 05:34 AM

Oh no, don't say it isn't so. It has been almost 2 weeks. I'll be sure to let hw know and maybe she will get this started again. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

hairyhomer

01-09-2006, 09:13 PM

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his
beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an
orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help
and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the
rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a
strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him
triumphantly:

"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

01-10-2006, 08:27 AM

Blond (http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgj_joke.asp?at_num=5672)

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

missCarol

01-10-2006, 09:45 PM

hw that's funny!

grl66

01-11-2006, 02:00 PM

Copperclappers (http://scottrope.typepad.com/scott_rope/files/copperclappers.wmv)

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

gamblefish

01-11-2006, 03:37 PM

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It...It was only a bug,honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said...."Sure had a big d!ck, didn't it?"

grl66

01-11-2006, 04:07 PM

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, travelling in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates' American technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Maori wharfies, and trucked to you by Vietnamese illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalisation!!

gamblefish

01-11-2006, 04:39 PM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,

"Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit & it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said,

"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised,

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed,

"Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

nudeM

01-11-2006, 08:20 PM

Greeeeeat one Fish. Still laughing. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

grl66

01-11-2006, 11:41 PM

News report from Iraq (http://gprime.net/video.php/newsreportfromiraq)

gamblefish

01-12-2006, 03:10 AM

Originally posted by nudeM:
Greeeeeat one Fish. Still laughing. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Tanks M!!!

shãybare

01-12-2006, 08:28 AM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Thank you for that very timely report, grl66.
It truly shows the dangers of our newscasters in Iraq. Plus it keeps me ROTFL!!!

Garry

01-12-2006, 01:05 PM

Originally posted by gamblefish:

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

It just goes to show ya, ya shouldn't wear the tighty whities. LOL

Loved it Fish.

Jr.

grl66

01-12-2006, 03:11 PM

No worries Shay, glad ya enjoyed.

Here's an oldie, but if ya haven't heard the song before I reckon you'll get a laugh.

I'm my own Grandpa (http://www.franksemails.com/video/im_my_own_grandpa.wmv)

ncnudlady

01-12-2006, 03:36 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/xxrotflmao.gif That was tooooooo much grl66. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

grl66

01-12-2006, 03:54 PM

Glad I brightened your day ncnudlady http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

Here's another. Ya just gotta love the classic small guy (http://www.franksemails.com/video/smallguy.wmv) act don't ya http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

grl66

01-12-2006, 04:03 PM

Being winter over there, this could be topical. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Ice Scraping (http://www.franksemails.com/video/icescraping.wmv)

Garry

01-13-2006, 04:10 PM

Originally posted by grl66:
Being winter over there, this could be topical. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Ice Scraping (http://www.franksemails.com/video/icescraping.wmv)

That was too much & too true!!! ROTF LMAO

Jr.

01-13-2006, 04:16 PM

Hey GambleFish....Are these your relatives? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

Fly Fishing (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/flying-fish.html)

gamblefish

01-13-2006, 04:33 PM

Originally posted by hw:
Hey GambleFish....Are these your relatives? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

Fly Fishing (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/flying-fish.html)

Uhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm, I wouldn't doubt it. Our family wasn't exactly the sharpest cheddar in the cheese shed!! Jumpin' Jehosaphish!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

Gotta tell ya Greg, I'm still laughing at that subtitle thingy....dang funny stuff!!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

gamblefish

01-13-2006, 04:44 PM

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.
When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"

Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset
about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in
the world with one of those."

Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"

"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

barelybob

01-14-2006, 04:38 AM

Hey GF, I've been meaning to tell that Killer thinks your avatar is cute.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

hairyhomer

01-14-2006, 06:33 AM

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in

the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their

shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on

their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!

My wife will think I've been in a *****house!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on

me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like." http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

gamblefish

01-15-2006, 08:22 AM

Originally posted by barelybob:
Hey GF, I've been meaning to tell that Killer thinks your avatar is cute.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Awwwwwww, well, you tell Killer "tanks" for me. I think he's cute too, when he isn't clawing me to hell and back...

gamblefish

01-15-2006, 08:30 AM

This one is narrated by Mrs. Fish...

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

01-15-2006, 12:12 PM

Hooray for Mrs. Fish..you go girl! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

Butt speaking of rubbing: http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

grl66

01-16-2006, 04:46 PM

Gotta love the dance moves http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

DUI (http://www.franksemails.com/video/duistop.wmv)

OZJames

01-16-2006, 05:34 PM

If I were pulled over as a SUSPECT DUI I would be carted off to jail every time because there is no way I could recite the alphabet backwards, slow or fast.

If I tried it slow I would have to think it the right way round to work out then next letter back, by then I would have forgotten where I was.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif JAMES http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

grl66

01-16-2006, 09:45 PM

Here's to making new friends (http://www.franksemails.com/video/kawasaki.wmv) http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

tarsus

01-17-2006, 04:22 AM

hey oz just remember they don't say which alphabet; so start with the greek one and confuse them---because i bet they don't that one and they will let you go. lol
by the way two questions.
did anyone miss me?
can anyone tell me is "lightmetal" still around? last p.m. was oct 16th. and i would like to reconnect.
oh; puter problems, too much work, and personal problems have and will keep me away. but i should return today and will return on monday. it's jan17th for those who will read this later in the week.well work won't for a while; things really slow down after the holiday season.

01-17-2006, 09:16 AM

I remember you tarsus, who could forget the SA toad guy. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif Welcome back buddy ! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif In your honor I would like to dedicate this joke to you.

 Amazing Claude

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,

"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

Sh*t!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Hey Greg....every time you post one of those links, I get kicked off the site and have to reboot....why does that happen? Just wondering. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

grl66

01-17-2006, 01:22 PM

Originally posted by hw:
Hey Greg....every time you post one of those links, I get kicked off the site and have to reboot....why does that happen? Just wondering. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

Not sure hw. It isn't happening to me so I'm at a loss to explain. Is it happening to anyone else? Coz if the links are more annoying than they are funny I'll stop posting them. Can't have that happening now can we http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

BTW, loved the amazing Claude. Did he get in a lot of s**t for causing that? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

tarsus

01-17-2006, 04:28 PM

-------------- sorry hw had to clean up chair. yes i am hopping back in as much as this clunker will let and time permits.
sooo many plans--- kids taking all my money and just can't afford anything like i want to replace this thing. never mind two are gone and one is married. [real prize,lol] leaving only me and the youngest. you would think this is the "free store" or checks "r" us.

Greg,this thing will not and never would open windows media player,so i can't enjoy many of the things posted here. but i do have my eye on laptop; kids can bum off somebody else or live on the street,i raised them my job should be done. it's tax time and it's my turn. [i hope].

missouriboy

01-18-2006, 05:56 AM

Greg and hw,
My Windows XP Home Edition, using IE, handles the links just fine.

tarsus, welcome back, man! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

01-18-2006, 09:21 AM

Greg and tarsus, Claude was given a job that involves a lot of Paper Work (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/outhouse.html) http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

Moboy I also use Windows XP....I think the voices are confusing me again. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

tarsus

01-18-2006, 10:52 AM

hello moboy,good to hear from you.
i figured it out;if everyone would send me a dollar i can replace this thing. reach out and touch me with cash. its better to give then receive,how about it you all?
i need help you know.

grl66

01-18-2006, 01:08 PM

Here ya go tarsus, I've done my bit. Even went to the trouble of converting to US dollars. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

EricNY

01-18-2006, 01:19 PM

The Mole Family
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....

Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES

PascoDoug

01-18-2006, 01:42 PM

Originally posted by ercNY:
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....

Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES

Hahaha Good one http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

grl66

01-18-2006, 02:20 PM

hehehe nice one erc http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Hey peoples, I was wondering if you guys could help me out on something. What does the word meds mean over there? The reason I ask is because the English Placebo have just released their new LP and meds is the title of it. Over here meds are a brand of tampons so you can see why I laughed when I heard the title.

It also reminded me of a funny little story. Over here in Queensland there is a beer called four X, the name of which is or was a brand of condoms over there I believe.

A friend of my parents moved to the US some years back and whilst there met his bride to be. After a time they were discussing moving to Australia. The friends new bride was rather concerned because she had heard all sorts of things about Australia, particularly how barbaric and uncivilised the people there are.

After much discussion the new bride agreed to the move and the plans were made. The wife was still extremely tentative as she stepped off the plane in Brisbane, still far from convinced that Australia and Australians were anything near civilised. They got into a car, drove out of the airport carpark and onto the freeway when the one of the first things they saw was a huge yellow highway advertising billboard which simply had four large red X's on it.

The wife almost went into shock as she squeeled, hit her husband and yelled "Peter, these disgusting people advertise sex on the highway. What have you made me do?! Take me back!"

Peter nearly ran off the road from laughing too much. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

EricNY

01-18-2006, 02:22 PM

Meds is short/slang for the medication that one might take for an injury or illness.

PascoDoug

01-18-2006, 02:28 PM

Originally posted by grl66:
Hey peoples, I was wondering if you guys could help me out on something. What does the word meds mean over there? The reason I ask is because the English Placebo have just released their new LP and meds is the title of it. Over here meds are a brand of tampons so you can see why I laughed when I heard the title.

"Meds" means medications, sometimes referring to behvioral drugs/anti-depressents etc.

"What's your problem?! Did you forget to take your meds?"

tarsus

01-18-2006, 03:32 PM

i actually get the xxxx thing, but never heard of that group.
thanks for the dollar there greg. it's the thought that counts.[b.s. it's the cash].
while here i also have heard australians don't eat peanut butter,but love some stuff called vegamite or some such name. as far as i know it's made by kraft foods but not advailable in the u.s. because no will eat it. but then down south you can get canned pork brains in gravy,talk about a limited appeal item! yuk!!

grl66

01-18-2006, 03:57 PM

We eat Peanut Butter alright. Love the stuff. Always have a jar of Vegemite in the pantry too. An aquired taste I guess, but lovely on toast.

Pork brains in gravy? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif Could you make a real pig of yourself eating them?

nacktman

01-18-2006, 04:10 PM

Pigs are one of the smartest animals after humans so mayhap eating "demBrains'll make yer smart". http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif
Don't know any Southerners willing to try the stuff though...
Pepsi-Cola with a handfull of Planters Peanuts in it on the other hand. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

01-18-2006, 07:11 PM

Day late and a dollar short tarsus....sorry bout your bad luck. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/greedy.gif

Pet Rules: Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes
are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in
the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it
aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast
and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to
claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap
onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no
matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering
pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the
carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was
wrong when you did it.

Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you
to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in
history.

Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot
stress this enough. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

nacktman

01-18-2006, 07:32 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif
hw did you and my wife consult on these Pet Rules they sound an awful like the ones she proclaimed for our dogs (no cats).

barelybob

01-19-2006, 03:26 AM

Welcome Back, Tarsus!

Hw, we made it to 1900, only 106 more to the present. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

barelybob

01-19-2006, 03:29 AM

It would seem that we also turned another page.

missouriboy

01-19-2006, 06:02 AM

"MOLASSES!"

Good ol' boy (in his 70s by now?) Stuttering Mel Tillis tells that joke at his music show, then announces that as a young boy, he got a spanking for telling it at church! LOL!

01-19-2006, 08:19 AM

Originally posted by nacktman:
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif
hw did you and my wife consult on these Pet Rules they sound an awful like the ones she proclaimed for our dogs (no cats).

I don't believe I've had the pleasure of meeting your wife, but perhaps she consulted my voices. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

barelybob another page, another $ http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/greedy.gif $ for tarsus. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

This is for all you guys who like to Fish.

A game warden finds a man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen
trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're
under arrest."

"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I
just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I
whistle, they all come b ack and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as
they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?" http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

tarsus

01-21-2006, 05:41 PM

looking for mr. laptop.
loved mel tillis as a kid .guess my fav was "same girl [brand new wrapper]".
hw could each voice send me a dollar?
well doing laundry gotta go.
i have such a wonderful social life. well live fast i always say. lol.

grl66

01-22-2006, 03:14 PM

Anyone feeling old today?

THE DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKE!!!!!!!!!

1976: Long hair
2006: Longing for hair

1976: Acid rock
2006: Acid reflux

1976: Moving to Florida because it's cool
2006: Moving to Florida because it's warm

1976: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2006: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1976: Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage

1976: Going to a new, hip joint
2006: Receiving a new hip joint

1976: Rolling Stones
2006: Kidney Stones

1976: Passing the drivers' test
2006: Passing the vision test

nudeM

01-23-2006, 03:03 PM

grl6, if only you knew how true those statements are.

grl66

01-24-2006, 01:27 PM

Anyone like top 10 lists? Here's one on things to ponder:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 – God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to feed one at a time

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of agriculture in charge of immigration.

stevenf64

01-28-2006, 01:50 PM

boy so close to 100 to bad we cant get someone in navada to put bets on when we hit 100

nudeM

01-28-2006, 01:59 PM

Okay, what are the odds? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

shãybare

01-28-2006, 02:17 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
This thread is alot like my uncles old Ford. No Brakes.

nacktman

01-28-2006, 03:13 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/poke.gif

Yes, Martha it's still alive!

Naturist Mark

01-28-2006, 03:33 PM

Originally posted by stevenf64:
boy so close to 100 to bad we cant get someone in navada to put bets on when we hit 100

If we invited MikeB back we could hit 100 pages in no time ...

-Mark

nacktman

01-28-2006, 04:58 PM

hw are you sure your last name wasn't Schelly in a past life?
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/book.gif
It seems your 'Monster' is still 'terrorizing' the countryside.

grl66

01-28-2006, 06:00 PM

Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
If we invited MikeB back we could hit 100 pages in no time ...

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif

NudeAl

01-28-2006, 06:04 PM

If we invited MikeB back we could hit 100 pages in no time ...

-Mark

There are some things that even I will not do. This is one of them.

NudeAl

01-28-2006, 07:08 PM

What is hard and hairy on the outside?

ncnudlady

01-28-2006, 07:47 PM

Life's most perplexing questions:

What is is about socks and washing machines? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

Why does 1 plus 1 somtimes equal 3 or 4 of 5 or...? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/worried.gif

How come you always get a pimple on the end of your nose right before an important meeting? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

When is ok to pass gas in public? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

Who knows the words to the 'Louie, Louie' by heart, really? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

Is there life after the crib? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

If there is so much seriousness in the world how come we have a clown in the White House? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

They say...who is they anyway? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

And does the butcher's thrumb really weigh five pounds? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/clown.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/thinking2.gif

NudeAl

01-28-2006, 07:58 PM

What is hard and hairy on the outside?

...and soft and wet on the inside?

Naturist Mark

01-28-2006, 08:04 PM

What is hard and hairy on the outside?

A coconut?

My head?

-Mark

NudeAl

01-28-2006, 08:15 PM

A coconut?

Ah Mark you are too smart.

The joke, if it can be called that, is.

What's hard and hairy on the outside?

Yet soft and wet on the inside?

It starts with a C and ends with a T.

And has a U and a N in it.

COCONUT!!

You dirty minded devils!

nudeM

01-28-2006, 11:20 PM

Wow, you really had me going on that one. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

nacktman

01-29-2006, 06:27 AM

Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall...
Ninety-seven bottles of beer...
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/partysmiley.gif

Daveinct

01-29-2006, 06:39 AM

Originally posted by ncnudlady:
Life's most perplexing questions:

What is is about socks and washing machines? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

My theory is that it's not the washing machine. The socks are trying to escape. If you had to spend a day clinging to my feet, you'd want to run away, too.

Dave

missouriboy

01-29-2006, 07:22 AM

"...and soft and wet on the inside?"

Dang! I was going to say Coconut too, but the night crowd beat me to it and I'm a morning person. Oh, well...

(My contribution to getting to 100.)

gamblefish

01-29-2006, 07:28 AM

Originally posted by Naturist Mark:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">What is hard and hairy on the outside?

A coconut?

My head?

-Mark </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dang! I was going to say Mark's head too, butt the night crowd beat me to it and I'm more of a mid-day/afternoon kind of person, unlike Moboy, who in the previous post stated that he is a morning person. Oh, well...

(my contribution to getting to 100 too, Moboy.)

(no, not 102, one hundred too...it's all in the way you say it)

fred950

01-29-2006, 08:06 AM

Originally posted by Daveinct:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by ncnudlady:
Life's most perplexing questions:

What is is about socks and washing machines? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

My theory is that it's not the washing machine. The socks are trying to escape. If you had to spend a day clinging to my feet, you'd want to run away, too.

Dave </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Your BOTH wrong! Somewhere out in space there is a 'Black Hole' just filled with mis-matched socks!

barelybob

01-29-2006, 08:39 AM

I feel somewhat left out. I have never lost a single sock in the wash. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

nacktman

01-29-2006, 08:48 AM

barelybob, damn you're a lucky so in so! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

I have never worn a matching pair of socks more than once...wear them...put them in laundry room...and the twain are never seen again...together at least. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

grl66

01-30-2006, 02:26 PM

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would-live-long-and-healthy-lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Peter's Ice Cream, Custard and Cream donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And they both gained 5 kilos. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful Yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And-Woman-went-from-size-8-to-size-18.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the meal.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive Oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken, and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Cake" And said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained more-kilos.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra kilos. And Satan gave cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and sat before the flickering blue light and put on more weight.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its double cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes! And super size them." And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into Cardiac-Arrest.

God-sighed-and-created-quadruple-bypass-surgery.

Then Satan created the Federal Health Department...

grl66

01-30-2006, 02:34 PM

Is this really true hw? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Cereal box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

01-30-2006, 04:27 PM

Originally posted by grl66:
Is this really true hw? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

Gee Greg, I wouldn't really know. I usually only eat breakfast at dinner time and my gourmet coffee is whatever brand is on sale. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

In my case: My daughter could grace the cover of How To Pierce and Tattoo Yourself At Home . http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

: My youngest son could be on the cover of SA's R Us Weekly. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

: My Oldest son could be on the cover of Big Foot Really Does Exsist. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

***********************************************

Now for all of you who are having sock trouble: Yes there is a black hole that lives in the washer and dryer and devours one sock from each pair. They work together to make sure they don't take both from the same pair.

There is a simple solution to the missing sock syndrome.....Buy the same exact kind of socks. Buy at least 50 pairs and you'll always have matching socks. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

nacktman

01-30-2006, 05:14 PM

WANDERING MUSINGS.... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/idea3.gif

What is it about cats that makes for good eatin'? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

Said the joker the the thief.... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

T'was brilling when first I spied Brigadoon. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sneaky.gif

A broken clock is correct twice a day. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

Whiskey and a sledgehammer don't mix well. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

Just what is a "Piece of My Mind" anyway? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

Lust in the Dust and other cornball westerns. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/greedy.gif

Mendicino Fracture Zone and the Big One. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

Utopia is in grandpa's outhouse? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

Don't you think Batman and Robin were a bit too friendly? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/mask.gif

Sulfur and Mercury can cure life. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

Pangea and Pangaia are the same. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

Why call them goobers? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

If time is circular will I meet myself coming from the other direction? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

Is that vinegar or did somebody forget to let the dog out? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/blush.gif

Why is it that Moralists are the most immoral? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/disappointed.gif

The offside rule in soccer is subjective. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif

What does it mean when one side of the road gets wet and the other doesn't? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

Is there life after birth? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif

Chocolate IS the opiate of the masses. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

My television talks to me.... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

Why do I have to pay for Prime Sirloin and all I get is Hamburger? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shout.gif

What is it with Blondes and tilt-wheel stearing wheels? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

It's time to dust off the lawnmower again! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/annoyed.gif

What is the difference between a drunk pilot and a pilot drunk? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

Those pills Doc gave me aren't doing a thing. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sick.gif

Fish and crips make the day complete. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/charming.gif

We DO all live the a Yellow Coloured Submarine. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

Mary had a lil'lamb, his fleece was black as soot, and everywhere that Mary went, his sooty foot he put.... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

He that hath no sh!t upon his shoes can step onto the white carpet! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/charming.gif

Jabberwok and The Cheshire Cat have tea with The Mad Hatter at three. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/snobby.gif

Walk don't run and keep on truckin'... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/clown.gif

The Sea of Tranquility is not in the Mar Caribe. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

A fly on the wall is usually just a splatter. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

Chefs and fire alarms both sound off when dinner is ready. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

Ihe inkwell is dry. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/disappointed.gif

When is it ok to stand and ok to lay down? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/zzz.gif

All this and Tyler, too! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/thinking2.gif

grl66

01-30-2006, 05:54 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

nacktman

01-30-2006, 06:20 PM

VAMPIRE BIRDS INVADE THE MOON

An other exciting films from the minds of

<STRIKE>DEMENTIA FILMS</STRIKE>

NudePete

01-31-2006, 03:20 AM

I love Photoshop and it's kin.

tarsus

01-31-2006, 06:37 AM

dear abby normal:
suddenly i have meet someone. much younger then myself.
she has a child,and my question is; should i risk a twice broken heart? we have been out twice [childern with us].
with two failed marriages behind me and comfortable with my life,i need advice.
it will be easy to draw close to her child as that one is accepting of me.
the person i am seeing brought up the age differance between us asking me if i had a problem with it. we both said no. we have agreed to take small steps,and see if this relationship works out. i don't want my heart ripped out of my chest. [i love kids].
so abby,should i take the chance? or am i fool chasing rainbows? is better to love and lose,or is it better never to venture down that sweet scented road again?
is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? should i go over or under it?
she's a non smoker, non drinker; and i am an abuser of both.
the birds are singing,i am happy for the first time in years.
i have bared now even my soul to all who will read this,please be kind to this; the voice of the lost;but be honest in your words.
d*mn i am going to fall in the river of love again-----and i never did learn how to swim.

01-31-2006, 03:53 PM

Ahhhhhhhh, my dear tarsus

I understand your de-llama and am here to speak to the voice of that inner child. In matters of the heart, there can be some slippery slopes to contend with.

On the one hand, you want so much to be in love again, on the other hand, once bitten, twice shy, or in your case, twice bitten, thrice no rice?

This younger woman may be just what you need to get you back in tune with what you want and need in life, LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. She may be the Third time's a charm, or simply a stepping stone to the next level.

Slow yes, take this very slow. Age may not be a problem now, but down the road will it become an obstacle of contention? Only your voice can answer this question.

Enjoy the time and see where it takes you. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/charming.gif

Dance.....I hope you dance http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

Best of luck,
Abby Normal http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

tarsus

02-01-2006, 05:25 PM

well abby, think i will dance and enjoy the moment,and when the music stops and the dance is over-----------.
the sun will come up tomorrow,and life will go on.
i will risk that broken heart one more time,and i will survive.
the oceans full of fish,and at least i know i can still catch them. i will never marry again,btw. [at least for today].

nacktman

02-01-2006, 07:05 PM

Have we made it to 98 pages yet?

Wait a minute I guess we have!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

02-02-2006, 09:17 AM

Originally posted by nacktman:
Have we made it to 98 pages yet?

Wait a minute I guess we have!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

Yes..yes we have !!!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif Who will give me 99....99.....who will give me 99? Going once..going twice..going strong! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

nacktman

02-02-2006, 10:55 AM

number nine, number nine, number nine, number nine, number nine, number nine...

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/hippy2.gif

I knew I should not have listened to that White Album the other day!

grl66

02-02-2006, 01:28 PM

Hey nacktman, those little tablets, were they prescribed by a practising member of the medical fraternity??? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Here are some fairly unfortunately worded classifieds.

"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

""Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

"This house has been fully insulted."

"Man, honest. Will take anything."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

grl66

02-02-2006, 02:28 PM

Important announcement

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. The Germans conceded in the end but not without negotiation. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will also be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be re placed with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

hairyhomer

02-02-2006, 06:46 PM

Is MOSS a flower? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif We've had 46 days of rain with a total 0f 19.21 inches, the forecast is for rain through Sunday. We are going moss on every thing and rusting away. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sad3.gif

There is some good to all this rain though.

WET!

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in
the long line of judgment.

As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed
to march right through the Pearly Gates an into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into
the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor
soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into
a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's
curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and
asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line
for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you
tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into
the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan, "They're all from
the Pacific Northwest . . . they're still too wet to burn." http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

barelybob

02-03-2006, 03:17 AM

I guess we're all going to get a long reprieve. It's going to take a year for us to dry out. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

nacktman

02-03-2006, 07:33 AM

Has anybody ever told you guys, "you're all wet"? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

******************************

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

Inappropriate Kisses:

Malaysian Shahimi Abdul Hamid, 33, announced that on March 11, he will, as a matter of Asian pride, challenge the world record for speed-kissing a venomous snake, which is held by an American. (Don't think it'll happen, you just can't out pucker those fundy holy rolling snake handlers) http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

ncnudlady

02-03-2006, 11:09 AM

Just a question that floated across my mind today.

Why is it that they use an armored knight in silver armor on a white horse charging down a modern city street with his lance lowered to advertise laundry detergent?

nudeM

02-03-2006, 06:19 PM

A bad interpretation of 'white knighting' instead of 'white lightenin'. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Question: Why did they "moderators" remove the 'popular' topics from the forums page? Now you have to go look to see what page we are on. Just curious. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

99 yet?

fred950

02-03-2006, 07:37 PM

Question: Why did they "moderators" remove the 'popular' topics from the forums page? Now you have to go look to see what page we are on. Just curious. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

99 yet?

I'm going to see just how close we are, M

As far as remoooo-ooving the popular topics, aw shucks, someone got to keep us on our toes! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

fred950

02-03-2006, 07:40 PM

Still not at 99 yet. I'll try again. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

What do high heels have in comman with a high urinal? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

They both keep us on our toes. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/zzz.gif

fred950

02-03-2006, 07:42 PM

Ooooh that Henny Youngman! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif

fred950

02-03-2006, 07:47 PM

One last try!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/idea3.gif

Two hobos are sitting on a park bench. One hobo says
"Ya' know, April 15th makes me feel kinna superior!" http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/greedy.gif

fred950

02-03-2006, 07:51 PM

Did I say 'One last try?' http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sneaky.gif

Naw, What I meant was....
News item. Bill Gates tax returns overload the IRS computers. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Don't you wish you had that problem? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

nacktman

02-03-2006, 08:20 PM

How many of you have a Chia Pet Garfield? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

And that's not 'Bean Sprouts' growing out of it is it? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

********************

Ever have the feeling they're watching you?

nacktman

02-03-2006, 08:26 PM

Try

and try

and try again

and I can't get the dough to rise. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shout.gif

Do you think the shouting may have something to do with it?

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sleeping5.gif where I should be.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/zzz.gif is like chasing parked cars...

...it hurts when you catch'em. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

nacktman

02-03-2006, 08:30 PM

Once more unto the breach...

My kingdom for a horse...

To be or not to be... That is a question ain't it though?

Lay on Mac Duff and woe to the one that sayth "Hold! Enough!"...

What light...

This is a much ado about nothing...

barelybob

02-04-2006, 04:45 AM

Speaking of Chia Pets. That's what we have named my 1966 F-100 because of the moss growing on it. I do try to wash it every other year. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

harveym

02-04-2006, 05:28 AM

Anyone remember the 1950s:

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."
[]

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
[]

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
[]

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now"
[]

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

[]

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

barelybob

02-04-2006, 05:43 AM

Unfortunately, I do remember all of those.

barelybob

02-04-2006, 05:44 AM

99, finally! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

shãybare

02-04-2006, 06:25 AM

Originally posted by barelybob:
Unfortunately, I do remember all of those.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Not quite old enough to remember them all but too close for comfort. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

nacktman

02-04-2006, 08:50 AM

Remember the 50's?
Well if I have to I will...it was a long time ago.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cowboy.gif

Remember the 60's?
Don't remember them at all...only a flash(back) now and again...there was this weekend in late summer I think, not too sure though, I believe it rained.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/hippy2.gif

Remember the 70's?
Well carrying over from the 60's was a trip then disco jarred the bus to a screeching halt and everything went numb after that.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/poke.gif

Remember the 80's?
The 'Mass Insanity' era. Oh, yes, remember it all too well.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cuckoo.gif

Remember the 90's?
The reprieve from the lunatics. Personal and spiritual growth. Fun to be alive.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/partysmiley.gif

Remember the 00's?
Insanity does run in families, unfortunately.
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wall.gif

Remember the 10's?
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/thinking2.gif

nacktman

02-04-2006, 10:20 AM

4 February 2006

"Oh, the weather outside is delightful
the sun is so bright and full
let it shine
let it shine
let it shine...

70 degrees and sunshine....take that ol'man Winter.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

fred950

02-04-2006, 11:11 AM

100 / 2,000 or BUST!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/zzz.gif

nudeM

02-04-2006, 11:35 AM

Posted by nacktman: How many of you have a Chia Pet Garfield? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't have a Chia pet, but when I was cleaning out the refrigerator today, I threw away things that resembled a Chia. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

ncnudlady

02-04-2006, 01:57 PM

I have several science projects going on in the back of the icebox right now, too!

What does it take to pry them up from the shelf?

Garry

02-04-2006, 05:26 PM

Originally posted by ncnudlady:
I have several science projects going on in the back of the icebox right now, too!

What does it take to pry them up from the shelf?

A blow torch might work!! LOL!!

Jr.

nudeM

02-04-2006, 10:04 PM

Posted by ncnudlady: I have several science projects going on in the back of the icebox right now, too!

What does it take to pry them up from the shelf? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At least a rubber glove and something that plugs your nose (smell).

A science project? Could be, but I don't remember anything that resembled the looks or the smell when I took Science years ago. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Almost 100. I can smell it now, no pun intended. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

02-05-2006, 06:49 AM

How many of you remember the 50's and can do something like this? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

Liquid Lady (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/liquidlady.html)

Don't try this at home. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

missouriboy

02-05-2006, 07:03 AM

That Liquid Lady clip reminds me of the Egotist who wanted to become a Contortionist, so he could die in his own arms.

missouriboy

02-05-2006, 07:07 AM

It also reminded me of that Gary Larson FAR SIDE cartoon about the Boneless Chicken Ranch. HAR! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

shãybare

02-05-2006, 07:09 AM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Good morning, hw & nudeM. That Liquid Lady is something else. Not even in my wildest dreams would I be able to do that. Really great.

hairyhomer

02-05-2006, 07:14 AM

Do any of you that remember the 50"s ever see one of these? If you do you probably knew not to play with it as it could leave a nasty burn on your body. I found out the hard way in 1953 when I put my hand and arm into and off to the hospital I went, fortunately we had some very good doctors and lots of prayers. They told my mom I would most likely not be able to ever move my hand again as I had burned it so severely and would need to have multiple skin grafts to repair the damage. I only had one large skin graft and the whole thing took the first time and I regained the full use of my hand by the age of 5, and still going strong. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

missouriboy

02-05-2006, 07:45 AM

Yup, a so-called Ironing Machine. Seems like they didn't last very long... such gadgets can never equal the versatility of arms, hands and fingers operated by the human brain! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

harveym

02-05-2006, 08:32 AM

One of my aunts had an ironing machine. Didn't use it much - irons worked better.

How about those caddies with tailfins sharp enough to impale anyone that tripped against them.

Garry

02-05-2006, 10:40 AM

Originally posted by hw:
How many of you remember the 50's and can do something like this? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

Liquid Lady (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/liquidlady.html)

Don't try this at home. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

One word ... OUCH!!

Jr.

02-05-2006, 11:46 AM

Originally posted by hairyhomer:
Do any of you that remember the 50"s ever see one of these?

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

I don't remember those irons homer, but I do remember getting my fingers caught in the wringer washer we had. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cry.gif

Mom often tells the story of her first mamogram with a wringer washer. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

fred950

02-05-2006, 06:29 PM

Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by hairyhomer:
Do any of you that remember the 50"s ever see one of these?

HairyHomer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

I don't remember those irons homer, but I do remember getting my fingers caught in the wringer washer we had. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cry.gif

Mom often tells the story of her first mamogram with a wringer washer. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Just your fingers? My sister managed to get her arm, right up to the elbow caught in one.

Naturist Mark

02-05-2006, 06:46 PM

Did we reach 100 pages yet?

nudeM

02-05-2006, 07:26 PM

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

I would like to dedicate this terrific event to my wife, hw, who started it all. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif Thanks to all who helped out. She will be on later, after the celebration. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

nudeM

02-05-2006, 07:35 PM

Originally posted by hw: Posted August 05, 2003 10:23 PM Hey all, quick question. Are my voices offending you in any way, shape, or forum? If my signature is offensive to some, does that mean we can no longer use the words, crazy, nuts, whack-o, or whack-job?

Would any of you be offended if I used this as my signature? Sarcasm, Just One More Service I Offer!

Hey Trailscout, you may be off the hook now.

Remember this if Off Topic Fun Stuff....so go ahead and have fun!

Nuderstanding....Accepting.
I'm not crazy, but the voices say otherwise. hw ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was the beginning of it all. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

grl66

02-05-2006, 08:26 PM

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

Take a bow hw http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif (oops) http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

missouriboy

02-06-2006, 04:57 AM

Okay, here's a challenge for our newbie friends-- re-read this whole thread and report back how long it takes you. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

02-06-2006, 07:31 AM

100 AWESOME !!!!!! So where's my prize? Do I get an all expense paid to my next door neighbors house? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

 75 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

59. Put them on hold.

60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

65. Haggle.

66. Order a one-inch pizza.

67. Order term life insurance.

68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

75. Order a steamed pizza.

grl66

02-06-2006, 01:35 PM

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Okay, here's a challenge for our newbie friends-- re-read this whole thread and report back how long it takes you. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

Took about 10 minutes.

Mind you, I used my kids way of counting to one hundred when they are playing hidey. I believe it goes something like....

One, two
skip a few
ninety nine, one hundred.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

grl66

02-06-2006, 02:16 PM

Are we going for 2000 posts now?

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow."