Are My Voices Offending You?

[nacktman]

2000th post. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/partysmiley.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/musicband.gif

paging number 101, paging number 101
You're time has arrived
Go to the head of the line
That is all....

[fred950]

2001 A Close-Free Odyssey! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

[tarsus]

ok everybody,your age is showing. lol 101 pages? this thing is growing like pond lilies,can't stop them.
well i got back sooner then i thought so while here-----bill crosby----very proper now days. but back in his old "i spy" days he also did stand-up adult material. anybody remember an old album where he is full rear nude? don't remember the title.
and moboy,if you got this one------- well hang on to it is all i am going to say. because i bet old bill has got that one buried so deep that well--------.
released around 1970 or there abouts.

and mark, were is this program? radio or tv? and must be on cable . info please. thanks.

[nacktman]

Which will come first? 200 pages or 3000 posts?

How long until we reach them?

Why is it that only a 2-year-old can open a "childproof" medicicne bottle?

[tarsus]

nackman: let me tackle question if i may: and if not well--going to anyway. lol
a two year does not understand, "something cannot be done". everything is possible for a two year old. whereas we as adults "know better". lol.

the voice of "know-it all.
while hw has many voices;i have more. h*ll i am so nuts that i wear foil on my head. but whatever keeps the check coming.

[hw]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tarsus:
doing my part to get this thing to reflect hw's true age------.
dear abby normal,my oldest daughter is seeing a man. we will call him a.j. .
i do not approve of this. he works and is going to be an otr driver,training for that now. she has been seeing him on the sly for several months. [or she thought] and only recently brought him around. he's at least a 18 in. taller then her btw. and warps around her like a karma sutra photo. i got my own problems right now,what should i do?
signed "the angry male"

QUOTE]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Dear angry male,

Why the anger? Are you jealous of your daughter? Do you feel a resentment towards this younger man in her life? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/disappointed.gif

If she is out of your house and over 18 there is not much you can do. Just "be there" for her if and when this relationship fails.

BTW I may be old butt I am still tarp as a shack and still younger than you. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

Abby Normal
</span>


<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Mark,

That lady on the [I]Bouncing Boobies
sure sounded a lot like Joan Rivers. Maybe it was just the accent. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/idea3.gif</span>

[Naturist Mark]

Bounce your Boobies (http://blogumentary.typepad.com/secretfarm/files/bounce_your_boobies.mp3)
Originally posted by nudeM:
Nice link Naturist Mark. Very funny indeed. I wished there was a video on that. I bet it would have been a dandy. Thanks. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Maybe it could be CFI's first music video? Whaddya think?

-Mark

[james423]

Originally posted by tarsus:
...two year does not understand, "something cannot be done". everything is possible for a two year old. whereas we as adults "know better"...

From the late Benny Hill:
"They told him the job just couldn't be done,
with a will he went right to it.
He took on the job they said couldn't be done,
and he found that he couldn't do it."

[nacktman]

Ok, so, somebody had to find them.

Now we can see just what is so fancinating about Bouncing Boobies. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[nudeM]

Posted by Naturist Mark: Bounce your Boobies

quote:
Originally posted by nudeM:
Nice link Naturist Mark. Very funny indeed. I wished there was a video on that. I bet it would have been a dandy. Thanks.


Maybe it could be CFI's first music video? Whaddya think? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I dunno. Some may get offended. Maybe there should be a counter, i.e., "Bouncing B---s" http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[hw]

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they
feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the
man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

[grl66]

Here’s a few companies that I feel probably should have put a little more thought into their domain name prior to registering. See if you agree with me.

Firstly there is Who Represents?. A database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.*****presents.com (http://www.*****presents.com)

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com (http://www.expertsexchange.com)

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net (http://www.penisland.net)

Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com (http://www.therapistfinder.com)

And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com)

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com)

The automatic filter blanked out what it recognized as a trigger word. The first URL should read www.who (http://www.who) represents.com (without a space).

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/doh.gif What have I done now?!

[tarsus]

well nackman; i am no computer whiz;but looks like you need to insert a disk as your memory is insufficient in "c" drive. i woud venture to say you got enough time to go get a cup of coffee and go to the bathroom also.
see you in; oh about 4400 years. gonna miss you man;could you maybe pick up another computer while waiting?
i am going to go into cry-o-genic [sorry can't spell that word] till mmmm--like the 45th century? talk to you then.
ronnie

[nacktman]

Dear Abby Normal,

I have been nagged by this throbbing pain in my neck for the past three months.
It happens every time this certain person comes around.
This person is so angry all the time it is depressing.
I have tried to reason with them and tell them to stay away from our group, but I feel they are too dense to understand they are causing discord within the group and my teeth to hurt from gnashing them together to avoid offended them.
What advise would you give to solve the problem?

[grl66]

Here's a true story while your waiting for Abbey Normals reply. How's this for pay back?

Melrose Drive, Tullamarine, Victoria, Australia.
January 16th 2006 : 14.35 hours :

Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68 km/h in a 60 km/h zone.

Workcover Inspector says nothing and cops the $120 fine sweet.

Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back to his car.

Workcover Inspector in the mean time gets digital camera out of bag, photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues the policeman with an $800.00 fine for not wearing his hi-visibility vest when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.

[hw]

Originally posted by nacktman:
Dear Abby Normal,


Dear nack,

The pain in your neck sounds like tension. I would recommend a good massage, if that doesn't work, take two Mudslides and call me in the morning. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

The angry person you speak of, is this person trying to part of your group, or just there to stir the soup pot?

As humans we may look very different on the outside, but inside we all have very much the same needs. Feeling like we belong is one of those needs. Try including this angry person in some group activities. Ask this person a question and then listen....really listen to the answer. Ya never know....this angry person may become a real friend. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif


<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Abby Normal</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by nacktman:
Dear Abby Normal,


Dear nack,

The pain in your neck sounds like tension. I would recommend a good massage, if that doesn't work, take two Mudslides and call me in the morning. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smash.gif

The angry person you speak of, is this person trying to part of your group, or just there to stir the soup pot?

As humans we may look very different on the outside, but inside we all have very much the same needs. Feeling like we belong is one of those needs. Try including this angry person in some group activities. Ask this person a question and then listen....really listen to the answer. Ya never know....this angry person may become a real friend. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif


<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Abby Normal</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>



Or...you could punch him in the genitals.

[tarsus]

dear abby normal;
i need a dam drink,i haven't had one since feb 2nd. my head is killing me. and you talk about "mudslides" h*ll pour any thing on mud and i will lap it up right now.
my question is; am i wasting my time? can an old honky tonker never truly be happy anywhere but the saloon? dancing with the ladies? listening to a mix of country to heavy metal rock? i am going to be 53 in a few months what am i saving myself for? am i nutter then a can of planters?
signed;
" the last virgin in america". aka" sugar daddy."

[fred950]

Originally posted by tarsus:
dear abby normal;
i need a dam drink,i haven't had one since feb 2nd. my head is killing me. and you talk about "mudslides" h*ll pour any thing on mud and i will lap it up right now.
my question is; am i wasting my time? can an old honky tonker never truly be happy anywhere but the saloon? dancing with the ladies? listening to a mix of country to heavy metal rock? i am going to be 53 in a few months what am i saving myself for? am i nutter then a can of planters?
signed;
" the last virgin in america". aka" sugar daddy."

Dear Virgin, Congradulations! you are the only person I know who can drink a whole dam!

[nacktman]

Abby...tried...didn't take...won't be back (hopefully)

Gamble...drop kick preferred...not had opportunity...might not get

102 pages and running on empty http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sleeping5.gif

[nacktman]

Overheard at the women's 6am exercise class:

Martha: "Tell just what is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?"

Mary: "Commitment, Loyalty"

Sarah: "Nope, you're wrong."

Martha: "What do you think it is?"

Mary: "Yes, Sarah, what do you think it is?"

Sarah: "Forty-five pounds!"

[hw]

Dear suga-r daddy,

Ask da fish where you can get a dam drink. After all he hangs out at only the best Bar and Grills . http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

Are you looking for Badonkadonk in the Honky Tonk ? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif
If you are trying to give up "Honky Tonick" for some young badonkadonk, it'll never work. Give it up for yourself and no one else. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

Abby Normal

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Woo Hoo
102
who knew, who knew? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

This may be my last post for awhile. Having some work done here which means kicking the old puter off line. I'll be back. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif
Stop crying. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/disappointed.gif</span>

[tarsus]

abby don't when you will back. cya soon.

maybe i will write a book;" how to drink a dam while dating a church girl--and get away with it"

fred ;i could put away hoover-----wait a minute he's aready dead.

why the h*ll do i do this to myself people? broken heart number 631 is on the way.

somewhere theres a girl for me; i just got to find the right corner,and she will standing under the light.

signed "the virgin king"

[Garry]

as-pect - having one's backside assaulted by a sharp object. "He got done skinnydippin', passed out on that deck chair, and had his aspect by a woodpecker."

From Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary

Jr.

[missouriboy]

Originally posted by nacktman:
Martha: "Tell just what is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?"

Sarah: "Forty-five pounds!" Q: And what's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

A: Forty-five minutes!

[missouriboy]

"He got done skinnydippin', passed out on that deck chair, and had his aspect by a woodpecker."

Didja hear about the disaster at the airport?

A woman backed into an airplane propeller and it disaster!

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Good morning Moboy.

Page 102. Don't look down, just keep climbing.


Does anyone have a nose bleed?

[nacktman]

Sinuses too clogged to bleed.
Need to climb higher.
Onward, upward that is the need.
Thrown upon the pyre
the spent husk of the worn out soul
keeps dementia at bay in the cold.

Snowblind friend
reaching the end
tether taut against the wind
swirling madness about to begin

Feet numb, blackened by frost's bite
a million needles into the night
Higher we climb
journey within the ether's edge
dull in mind
we step over the cavern's ledge.....
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/thinking2.gif
*********************************
Have a nice dayhttp://oakhurstonline.com/icon/peace.gifhttp://oakhurstonline.com/icon/hippy2.gif

[grl66]

I just had a thought. I post here from an Australian Local Area Network.

Which if you think about means......

I come from a LAN down under.

[Nu]

LOL.

Very clever.
Greg

[gamblefish]

Can you hear, can you hear the thunder!?

You better run, you better take cover...

[tarsus]

shaybare; no nosebleed but had a headache for days;must be a lack of oxygen.

hw's off-line,my "datemate" is out of town, don't dare go danceing at the "saloon".

g/f wanna go kick some gentials?

otherwise this weekend is over before it starts.

[barelybob]

It seems everyone is going over the edge. It would appear we need some sun and warm weather. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Right you are, barelybob. Woke this morning with temps. at 22f and an inch of snow on the ground. Will be this way for the next four or five days.

I know that isn't much for you northeners, but this is a warm blooded Okie.

[WacoTX]

28f at 6:00 pm Central Texas. Supposed to warm up a LITTLE tomorrow, into the 50's Monday. BUT, almost 80 a couple of days ago and I was naked! Warm weather can't get here too soon.

[tarsus]

try here in kentucky supposed to 8 degrees in the morning. [sunday,feb19th]. i was nude as much as i can be living in the city,couple days ago,now freezing. i second,or third,or whatever that motion to "hurry spring".
well it's saturday night,didn't hear from g/f so guess i will kick off the steel toed shoes. and i wanted to have some fun tonight!
another saturday night and i ain't got nobody,got some money-------.

[missouriboy]

Didja hear about that human head they found floating down the Mississippi River at St. Louis? It was singing that old song, "I Ain't Got No Body..."

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by tarsus:
try here in kentucky supposed to 8 degrees in the morning. [sunday,feb19th]. i was nude as much as i can be living in the city,couple days ago,now freezing. i second,or third,or whatever that motion to "hurry spring".
well it's saturday night,didn't hear from g/f so guess i will kick off the steel toed shoes. and i wanted to have some fun tonight!
another saturday night and i ain't got nobody,got some money-------.

Sorry tarsus, my steel toes are in the shop... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cry.gif

Had a heck of a time getting them off my lead feet....

[gamblefish]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Didja hear about that human head they found floating down the Mississippi River at St. Louis? It was singing that old song, "I Ain't Got No Body..."

Yes, yes I did Moboy...

It was followed a short time later by a headless body singing "Goin' outta my heeeeaaaaad over yo-ou..."

"How was it singing without a head?", you ask? Sign language, of course...

[tarsus]

the virgin here;
was the encore "crazy arms"?
i ain't much fun since i quit drinking,but maybe it will get better.

i am a poor man,rich only in the virtues,of which modesty is indeed my greatest asset.

and ladies i am up for grabs you know,so "if you got the money honey,i got the time." [sale ends at midnight,because i turn in a pumpkin when the clock strikes 12.

whats my favorite song,this time of year? "blue moon"
think about it. lol

g/f know what you mean about the lead feet; i suffer from
t.b. [tired butt].

[grl66]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Didja hear about that human head they found floating down the Mississippi River at St. Louis? It was singing that old song, "I Ain't Got No Body..."

HAHAHAHA!!! Reminds me of the old Rodney Rude sketch about the head.

When he was 14 he entered swimming comp. He got on the starters block, the starter fired his gun and he dived in, only to sink straight to the bottom.

After a minute or so the others were concerned and dived in to save him. As they pulled him out one said to him, "hey head, what happened."

Head replies "Ah damn it, I got a cramp!"

[nacktman]

Calling all cars ...
Calling all cars ...
Calling all cars ...

Be on the lookout for a Wild Frazzle
described as 5 feet tall with unruly fur
running amuck downtown
last seeing trying on shoes at the department store at 5th and main

Use caution
do not approach
call for back up when sighted

Over.

[grl66]

I've just read an article today about the effects of heavy drinking and it scared the absolute crap out of me. So that's it, I've made a pact with myself. After today....... no more reading!

[OZJames]

Whisky on the rocks weighs a lot less than a scooner of beer http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by gamblefish:


Had a heck of a time getting them off my lead feet....

Since when do fish have feet? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sneaky.gif Oh I know....gamble is more of the salad-man-der kind of fish. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

So are all fish of Finish decent? Did the first fish to crawl upon the land crawl upon Finland?

Expi-herring Minds Want to know. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

[missouriboy]

And if that fish crawled upon the land without textiles, was it still decent? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nacktman]

Unit 66 to base, we have the Frazzle cornered in shoes.

Base to unit 66, use caution frazzle is armed with thermonuclear heat resistant plastic.

Unit 66 to base, for the love of god, hurry the Frazzle is heading for the handbags.

Base to unit 66, Frazzle subduing team is enroute, ETA five minutes.

Unit 66 to base, too late Frazzle has made it to handbags.

Med1 to base, Frazzle keeper is flatlining.

[tarsus]

hey nackman;
the coppers just went by about an hour ago. they will never take me alive.

[fred950]

Originally posted by tarsus:
hey nackman;
the coppers just went by about an hour ago. they will never take me alive.

Not unless they carry one bullet in thier shirt pocket!

[tarsus]

fred950:
i am safe then; they keep a spare donut there.

dear abby normal:
i am back on the market. know of any ladies,looking for a sweet man,rich only in virtues? we could listen to music:
"act naturally" by buck owens.
"let me be your sugar daddy"
"if i told you; you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" by the bellamy brothers.
these i can't remember who recorded.
"satin sheets to lie on,satin pillows to cry on"
"you are my shineshine" [listen to this one,not the chrous, which most know but the dark words before this]
and finally:
"thank god and greyhound,you are gone" by roy clark.
signed:
still a virgin;now looking for broken heart number 632.

[hw]

Dear still,

You sound as if you don't quite understand women. Broken hearts are just like riding a bicycle, you get thrown, either limp away or get right back on and ride!!!!! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

Songs you didn't mention....
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off

Nothing On But The Radio


Heres some computer advice that might help you with your quest for someone special.



The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half
your paycheck on accessories for it.



(THIS GETS BETTER!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[tarsus]

i would pose this question to every male menber here:
can anyone ever understand the female mind?

one more song i forgot "heart of glass" [blondie, anyone remember?}

here is a story:
long along a fox and a bear entered into an agreement to store food for the winter. the fox said we will split it 50/50.
the bear agreed. so they planted turnips and the fox said i will take the bottom and you brother shall have the top.
the bear agreed to this.
well the bear went hungry that winter,and come spring the fox approched the bear again,and the bear said "i got nothing".
well the fox said this time i will take the top and you brother shall have the bottom.
the bear agreed. well they planted wheat this time,and once once the bear went hungry the next winter.
after that the bear never had anything to do with the fox again.
moral:
give someone a chance,but when they keep screwing you find a new friend.

i think i am over it and am looking for a better model,maybe a few miles on her but still,plenty of horsepower.
i got a couple in mind,may not buy either one butt will at least kick the tires.
thanks abby,i will still need advice. i never was any good at this game they call "love".

signed "the virgin bear"

[grl66]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "THE F****N' WORD IS CELEBRATE."

[tarsus]

damn; i thought i was having a bad love life!
ok greg,i am going to have quit everything before i get on here. about choked to death on my pretzels reading this one!!

[nacktman]

Speaking of monks, a reporter for a metropolitan newspaper went to investigate the strange ritual performed every year at the San Chinga monastary in the tiny principality of Ortro Lado.

As she watched the monks began to dance in a circle about an obiviously "streetwise lady" laying naked on a table she noticed one monk standing off to the side facing the all.

She asked the abbot what the monks were doing and he replied. That they had realised that being celebate was not the way of humanity and had persuaded the local doxie to assist them in their carnal ritual.

But why are they dancing around her like that she asked the abbot to which he said when the msic stops the monk at the head of the table gets to spend time with the lady and the others go about their regular monkly duties until next year.

Astounded she asked why the one monk was standing in the corner facing the wall and the abbot replied, oh, he won last year.

[tarsus]

alright guys: you're killing me here.but this sure better then my old indian legends.

[nacktman]

Unit 66 to base: Wild Frazzle has left the mall

Base to unit 66: maintain pursuit, backup units on the way

Unit 66 to base: Frazzle headed toward residential district

Base to unit 66: You are coming up on Med1 in field

Med1 to base: Frazzle keeper still flatlining, but subject's a$$ is begining to float because there is no weight left in his wallet.

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
nachtman, leave my poor a$$ alone.

[tarsus]

speaking of weightless wallets. went to the casino yesterday. seen a cute waitress,wanted to ask her to marry me but my traveling companions draged me out.
what a day!

[nacktman]

Med1 to Base: We lost Frazzle keeper, his wallet is gone.

Base to Med 1: Unit 66 is approaching your postion, do you need assistance?

Med1 to Base: Have them stop the Wild Frazzle before arrival, can't handle another cardic call so soon.

Base to Unit 66: Stop and detain Wild Frazzle for causing the death of the Frazzle keeper's wallet.

Unit 66 to Base: You've got to be kidding ...

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Unit 66, keep the kids out of this. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

[grl66]

I'm not even going to pretend I know what the hell you guys are on about, so I'll go along in my own little world. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/snobby.gif


Understanding Engineers – Part One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Please, please, take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers – Part Two

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
ROTFLMAO Great jokes, grl66. Does anyone know if all engineers have a "blonde gene"?

[nacktman]

grl66 we be a talkin' 'bout what the radio traffic from the police/medic dispatcher and the field units might sound like if they where casing a woman down trying to prevent her from spending all her husband's money on shoes and handbags ... alas to no avail ... she spent it anyway.

And engineers DO have the Blonde Gene, it's a requirement. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif
(I mean to err is human, to really foul it up takes an engineer.)

[grl66]

Clear as mud nacktman, thanks http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif


Understanding Engineers – Part Three

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[nacktman]

Don' ye be forgittin' tae be awearing th'green on th'morrow les' th'wee folk reach up an'pinch ye.

[grl66]

Nacktman, I have a green can of insect killer on my desk, will that suffice? Mind you, it's low irritant so I'm assuming it will effect the wee folk...... I promise I'll have a drink (or 12) for them.


Hey, how's this for a little smart a**e. Now this kid knows how to pull tricks (http://www.franksemails.com/video/poolkid.wmv)


Oh, and I have to post this one. It's rather old now, but anyone who appreciates a good Flatulence (http://www.franksemails.com/video/jurrasic_fart.wmv) joke will laugh again.

Well I did anyway.

[grl66]

Two Irish men meet in a bar. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Oh, nothing much," replies the bartender, "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[nacktman]

March 20th is Act Happy Day. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

So, act happy, damnit! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[grl66]

Now you listen here nacktman, I WOULD be happy if it wasn't for people telling me to be happy! Happy?! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/angry.gif


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

[nacktman]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were walking along the beach in western England, when the found and old bottle sticking out of the sand.
When the uncorked it it began to shake and smoke poured out of the top.
As the smoke began to clear a figure appeared within the smoke saying, "I am the Genie of the bottle and as my liberators you get three wishes. I see that they're three of you so each may have but one wish."

Immediatly the Irishman spoke up and said,"I want to be the owner of the most raucous and profitable bar in all of Dublin."
In a flash he was gone and the image of his beaming smile as he stood in the center of the largest and noisiest Pub in Dublin filled the space he was just in.

As the image of the Irishman faded the Englishman said, "We here in England are tired of all the foreigners coming and living here, I would like a wall around England to keep out the foreigners."
Instantly there appeared a massive wall streching around the English countryside and the Englishmen jumped with glee.

Then the Genie turned to the Scot and said, "What is is it that you wish?"
To which the Scot replied, "I have two questions for you?"
"Ask them then", demanded the Genie.
"How big is that wall you just built?", asked the Scot.
"It is 40 feet high and 20 feet thick surrounding the entire land of England", boasted the Genie, "and your other question?"
"Will it hold water?", asked the Scot.
"Why yes you silly man," bragged the Genie, "it is built to hold anything!"
To which the Scot nodded his head.
Frustrated the Genie barked, "What is your wish foolish man?"
The Scot answered him thusly, "You say it can hold water ... then fill it up!"

[grl66]

Well that's not a very pleasant Scotsman there nacktman. Where would we be without the English?

There'd be no Sandwich, no rubber band, no day light saving time, no chips (in the words of Kevin Kline: Ah the chip. The English contribution to world cuisine.) I'd have no best mate (well probably a different one anyway and yep my best mate is a transplanted pom) and most impotantly of all, Australia as we know it wouldn't have been founded on the impeccable morals of our criminal forefathers.

Mind you, the poms have given the world some assets that have truly enriched our planet. For example, Monty Python. How poor would our lives be without the enrichment of dead parrots and cross dressing lumberjacks.

[nacktman]

"England would be a nice country if it wasn't for the English there..." Macolm 1, King of Scotland. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

Of course we Scots love the English:

We love their cattle
We love their gold
We love their women
We love their ........... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Naturist Mark]

The greatest video on the internet:

Monkey washing a cat (http://www.brud.info/video/monkey_washing_cat.mov)

I think this is one of ercNY's monkeys.

-Mark

[nacktman]

Mark, I think that clip is from a Three Stooges short. I know I've seen it before.

Maybe it is of Bonzo's father.http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shrug.gif

[nacktman]

1490 posts http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/partysmiley.gif ten more and I get a cookie! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[nacktman]

Can you follow instructions?

[nacktman]

1500 posts http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif

Can I have my cookie now? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

[OZJames]

Congrats Nacktman on your 1500 posts but be careful - Cookies are dangerous things - which one would you like http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif


Top 8 Worst Fortune Cookies Fortune

By: Anonymous

8. "What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"

7. "Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."

6. "Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt."

5. "Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."

4. "Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids."

3. "Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application."

2. "Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck."

1. "Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup."

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nacktman]

Darn, I was hoping for a Ginger Snap! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[grl66]

Hey cool, lists. I like lists http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

Here's one. A collection of questions directed to the Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line:

Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

[Naturist Mark]

Red meat isn't bad for you. Furry green meat is bad for you.

-Mark

[nacktman]

Not unless you that the fuzy part and make one of them there 'cilin' drugs ... pena, amoxi, et al., then its 'good' for you. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

[fred950]

"I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them, Sam-I-Am."

[nacktman]

Who knows how many Whos live in Whoville?

And I am still waiting on my jing-dinglers since x-mas! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shout.gif

[james423]

How many Whos live in Whoville?

All of them! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[KetchumMaine]

Originally posted by james423:
How many Whos live in Whoville?

All of them! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

How many people are burried in the cemetary?? Hopefully, all of them :O

[grl66]

Personally I'd suggest looking up the Who's Who

[nacktman]

Why is it that some jerk always wants you to cook 2lbs of shrimp after you've just washed the dishes?
http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/chef.gifhttp://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shrug.gifhttp://oakhurstonline.com/icon/chef.gif

[grl66]

I think that's Mrs Murphy's law.

(she was the cook of the household)

[nacktman]

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

[grl66]

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo – USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/doh.gif It's all I can say grl http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/doh.gif

Sometimes you just feel like you're http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wall.gif don't you, with some of the things people do.

[nacktman]

Speaking of dreams and flying machines ...

laying in pieces on the ground ...

Oh, hell, I'm having a James Taylor moment, please excuse me and go about you normal conversations as if nothing untoward was happening.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/goofy.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[grl66]

My Mum always said sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

I thought she was being sarcastic.

[Garry]

Originally posted by grl66:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

A house doesn't work all that great either.

Originally posted by grl66:

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

Peanuts aren't actually nuts, or are they? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

Jr.

[nacktman]

Speaking of Peanuts, Linus is a little too attached to that blanket of his, don't you think? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[Naturist Mark]

http://clothesfree.com/9b.jpg
Hot Pavement ... OUCH ... Hot Pavement!

-Mark

[nacktman]

NOW ... We Know!

[ncnudlady]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif

I knew it, I knew it , I always knew it!
Thanks for the "proof" I needed for my friends. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Naturist Mark]

DO NOT RESIST ... or you will be ostraficated!

[nacktman]

.

[ncnudlady]

"Like a virgin touched for the very first time ..."

My 12yr old is singing this over and over and she's smiling as she does ... should I be concerned? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

[KetchumMaine]

Originally posted by ncnudlady:
"Like a virgin touched for the very first time ..."

My 12yr old is singing this over and over and she's smiling as she does ... should I be concerned? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

That all depends upon how you have raised her. If you have talked to her about sex as well as most parents in the United States, then yes, I would be worried. But if you are one of the rare parents who have instilled good solid values and have good communication with their child, then you can be less concerned. Have you considered talking to her about it??

[Naturist Mark]

Originally posted by ncnudlady:
"Like a virgin touched for the very first time ..."

My 12yr old is singing this over and over and she's smiling as she does ... should I be concerned? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

Its just a song with a catchy tune. Why is she listening to 20 year old Madonna records?

Back in the 90s I can remember my 8 year old niece singing the deVinyl's "I Touch Myself" without having any idea what it meant. (Interesting - both songs were written by Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg - did they have an agenda?)

-Mark

[tarsus]

mmmm. should i worry? mine is singing "my hump" forget who does it. right she is into "b.e.t." which plays a lot of videos. no idea why she got into this type of music.

[jon71]

My girl is six and we were going over her reading words last week and she knew "hump" from that song. She likes that and Gwen Steffani to listen to (on the radio when I drive).

[nacktman]

As the late great Vincent once said and I quote ... "Be afraid. Be very afraid!". http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[ncnudlady]

Like A Virgin to She Bangs.

I've got to work on her musical taste or in this case lack of taste.

Jimi, where for art thou?

[grl66]

Last year my kids were all singing "I've got the worst hangover ever"

This may sound bad, but really, I'm going to have to laugh when they have their first one and find out what they are really talking about. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[grl66]

Business signs.


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
******************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

[nacktman]

Nothing like straddling a HOG and ripping down the highway.
(that characture artist sure did capture a remarkable likeness of me and my tricked out HOG)

[nacktman]

.

[nacktman]

You know that "beautiful woman" you're having an on-line affair with?

[missouriboy]

Voice of a grammar teacher turned dentist...

Teeth is very nice to have.
They fills you with content.
And if you doesn't know this yet,
You will when they have went.

[ncnudlady]

"Beautiful Woman" indeed!

[nacktman]

"Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone ... "

Having a Mellencamp moment.

"Just a little ditty 'bout Jack and Diane ... "

[hw]

Ok I've been away way too long....



NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form.


Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when
treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum,

and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good
catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most
powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!


Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but
gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and
sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO
any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong
bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed
with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged
period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities
on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly
decomposes and begins to smell!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sneaky.gif

[barelybob]

As usual, pretty much right on.

Welcome back hw! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif Funny one hw, welcome back!

[EricNY]

Originally posted by nacktman:
You know that "beautiful woman" you're having an on-line affair with?

Wait a minute...I know that guy! really! I think his daughter and him and sig other are members here, however have not been around for a bit.

[nacktman]

The Dream Police are after me, either that or the neighbors play their stereo way too loud at night! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[nudeM]

Not to change the subject, as this thread has been changed soooooooooooo many times (lol), but I think we need to put an APB (All Points Bulletin) out for Shaybare.

Has anybody seen, or even heard from him lately? I think he has been kidnapped and there should be a bounty out looking for him.

The last time I heard from him, he was still in Oklahoma. At last sighting, he was seen running bare somewhere in the bushes.

Call out the bounty and report your findings, if any. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/mask.gif

[nacktman]

All available units have been dispatched to the hinterlands of Oklahoma seeking the whereabouts of one ... Shaybare.

[missouriboy]

Ya gotta be careful bounty-hunting in the bushes of Oklahoma. Something about "poison sumac," or something like that...

[barelybob]

Moboy, are you sure you're not confusing bounty hunting with bare hunting? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nudeM]

It has been reported that Shaybare has been spotted, but getting him to communicate is the real challenge. Seems he has lost his ability to 'publicly' communicate with the outside world.

My, things couldn't be any worse. We have a real challenge on our hands. He has been spotted, but unable to leash, as of yet.

WE NEED BACK-UP. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/mask.gif

[nacktman]

Stripping gears ...

[nacktman]

What did the nerd say when he found out he'd lost his right hand in a car wreck?

"Well, there goes the only lover I'll ever know!" http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif

[hw]

I think he has been kidnapped and there should be a bounty out looking for him.

Call out the bounty and report your findings, if any. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/mask.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Ok, I sent my roll of BOUNTY after ShAy, butt I don't think it's gonna reach that far. CA to OK we need back up rolls and butter.

What do Bounty Paper Towels and Viagra have in common?

They are both The thicker, quicker, picker-upper ~!!!!</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Thanks bob and nack. </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[missouriboy]

Maybe Shaybare is out scouting around to find the Springfield where the Simpsons live?

[missouriboy]

What did the yuppie say when he found out he'd lost his left hand in a car wreck?

Oh NO, where's my ROLEX????

[nudeM]

All they had to do was go to a 'second hand' store. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[fred950]

Perhaps Shaybare got impaled on his weather vane again!

[missouriboy]

Originally posted by nudeM:
All they had to do was go to a 'second hand' store. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif What good is the 'second hand' without the minute hand, the hour hand, and the rest of the watch?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........ I getcha now! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif Never mind! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sad3.gif Carry on! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/doh.gif

[nudeM]

Posted by missouriboy: What good is the 'second hand' without the minute hand, the hour hand, and the rest of the watch?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........ I getcha now! Never mind! Carry on! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I see why they call Missouri the "Show me state". http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[missouriboy]

Just heard a rumor about a naked man in a drugstore buying calamine lotion... do ya suppose that could be our friend Sh................ nah, couldn't have been, I guess. Who ever heard of a place with a name like Poteau, anyhow? Musta been some kind of a joke. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sad3.gif

[nacktman]

Went swimming the other day and saw a whale wearing this t-shirt ...

[nudeM]

For everybodies information, we have been receiving e-mails from Shaybare. He is not able to log on to this site. For some reason, his password is not working. He is doing well, but misses everyone here. Whenever he gets new password, he will return.

So, the Shaybare sightings are probably real. He may be going crazy and running around nude, since he cannot log in here. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

[missouriboy]

No, No, when Shaybare visited with me he never engaged in "running around" at all, even when he was fully nude. But OTOH, maybe he could be going crazy, since insufficient calamine lotion could make one try to "run" away from the awful itching...

Hey Shaybare, have you tried "calamine" as a Password? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nudeM]

I guess he is just 'itchng' to get back on. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
insufficient calamine lotion could make one try to "run" away from the awful itching...


<span class="ev_code_RED">Nude RUNS again Moboy?</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sneaky.gif

[ricky bobby]

Originally posted by nacktman:
Went swimming the other day and saw a whale wearing this t-shirt ...

HAHA!!

[hw]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
Doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
Look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[nacktman]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/funny.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rofl5.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[nudeM]

Very funny. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[Nu]

Very, very funny.
Thanks, hw

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">Nack, M, Nu,

GOT PETS?</span>

A DOG'S DIARY:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A CAT'S DIARY:
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

[missouriboy]

Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by missouriboy:
insufficient calamine lotion could make one try to "run" away from the awful itching...


<span class="ev_code_RED">Nude RUNS again Moboy?</span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sneaky.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh No! Anything but that again! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Hmmm...... isn't it only females who have <span class="ev_code_RED"> RED Nude runs?</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by missouriboy:

Oh No! Anything but that again! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

Hmmm...... isn't it only females who have <span class="ev_code_RED"> RED Nude runs?</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">DEPENDS on the age. </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

[missouriboy]

Oh NO! Pu-leeeze don't mention <span class="ev_code_YELLOW">DEPENDS</span> and AGE in the same sentence........ http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sad3.gif

[nacktman]

moovin' on to ...

[Nu]

Originally posted by hw:
<span class="ev_code_RED">Nack, M, Nu,

GOT PETS?</span>

A DOG'S DIARY:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A CAT'S DIARY:
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.



Thanks, hw:
I made a note to myself-be aware of presence of cat when near staircase of our house.
You are a life saver.

[nacktman]

hw, got 12 dogs at the moment.

The Old Lab;
The New Lab;
The New Lab's sister;
The Jack Russell;
and the Old Lab's and New Lab's Sister's eight bundles of joy ... 3 boys and 5 girls.

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Nu, I suppose I am like a like Life Saver; round and sweet. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

Nack, it sounds like you have quite a large family going on there. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

Now for a bit of advice all you guys need to heed:</span>

<span class="ev_code_RED">

A Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the sh!t out of him...


Like his MOMMA used to do. </span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[nacktman]

Just thought I'd pass this along!

[KetchumMaine]

Nudists are just like everybody else, their choice of attire is immaterial

[nudeM]

Posted by KetchumMaine: Nudists are just like everybody else, their choice of attire is immaterial ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What attire? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[nacktman]

Don't think it sends the correct mesage?!

[Nu]

"T" hee, hee.

Very observant, nacktman.

[hw]

Originally posted by nacktman:
Don't think it sends the correct mesage?!

Sure it does Nack however, one would think you'd have to use a four wheel drive to get through the brush. Have you ever known a four wheel drive owner to not have at least one case of beer in the back? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

[nacktman]

Sure have hw ... Me!

(Wait a minute ... does Root Beer count?)

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_BROWN">Root Beer ? Oh Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez !</span>

<span class="ev_code_RED">Is that any way to treat your BUDS</span> ??? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

Now what is root beer without some vanilla ice cream in a mug? Boy that sounds good with all this hot weather going on. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[missouriboy]

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."
__________________________________________________ _____
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and,
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death .

[OZJames]

Heard some words of wisdom on a movie last night -

"A woman's life is like spagetti
A man is like a meatball
Sure a meat ball makes spagetti taste better
BUT - is the meatball necessary for the spagetti?
No"

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nacktman]

Oops!

[Rebecca]

I would like to salute this topic for being the longest I have ever seen! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[Tampanude]

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN


Your Clothes:


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.


3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
__________________________________________________ ___



Preparing for the Birth:


1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.


2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.


3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
__________________________________________________ ____



The Layette :


1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.


2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.


3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
__________________________________________________ ____



Worries:


1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.


2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.


3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
__________________________________________________ ____



Pacifier:


1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.


2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.


3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
__________________________________________________ ____



Diapering:


1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.


2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.


__________________________________________________ ____



Activities:


1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.


2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.


3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
__________________________________________________ ____



Going Out:


1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.


2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.


3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
__________________________________________________ ____



At Home:


1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.


2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.


3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
__________________________________________________ ____



Swallowing Coins:


1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.


2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.


3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
__________________________________________________ ____

[nudeM]

Tampanude, I see you have been down that road before. HW and myself sure have (3 times). Pretty much as you stated. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[hw]

Originally posted by nudeM:
Tampanude, I see you have been down that road before. HW and myself sure have (3 times). Pretty much as you stated. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

<span class="ev_code_RED">Liar, liar, pants on fire. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

In case you hadn't noticed, I haven't worn maternity clothes for a very loooooooooooong time! </span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

[nacktman]

Can someone tell me why they announce power outages on TV?

I mean if the power is out ... who's watching TV!?

[Pete Knight]

Originally posted by nacktman:
Can someone tell me why they announce power outages on TV?

I mean if the power is out ... who's watching TV!? So that those who still have power can have a laugh at the expense of those that don't.

Pete Knight

[Naturist Mark]

Can someone tell me why they announce power outages on TV?

I mean if the power is out ... who's watching TV!?

To make all the Amish watching on their kerosene TVs feel superior.

-Mark

[Tampanude]

Why do they air afternoon traffic reports on TV? Only those at home can see em'.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[Naturist Mark]

http://www.npr.org/programs/day/features/2004/jan/car_video/gallery2.jpg Why do they air afternoon traffic reports on TV? Only those at home can see em'.


<--- They're for this guy.

-Mark

[NakedGary]

I see this occasionally a single driver showing off their rear seat DVD player to none but the cars in back of them. Notice how the LCD panel hides his rearview mirror completely, and he looks like a midget in that huge monster SUV. If I was a patrol man and saw that front display on and him not concentrating on driving it would be a pull over and citation time.

I read where the newest cars with programmable GPS navigation systems or computerized display entertainment and control systems must be stopped with the parking brakes on before any
Programming can occur
.

[hw]

Ladies for all you do....this song is for you. Watch out guys! Turn up the speakers.

Dolly Parton's new song..........
This is hilariously clever and actually being sung by Dolly.
Turn on your sound and click on the link below:
http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm



http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/stickdance.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[luvnaturism]

Originally posted by NakedGary:
I see this occasionally a single driver showing off their rear seat DVD player to none but the cars in back of them. Notice how the LCD panel hides his rearview mirror completely, and he looks like a midget in that huge monster SUV. If I was a patrol man and saw that front display on and him not concentrating on driving it would be a pull over and citation time.
.

Gary, you're making a lot of assumptions.

What makes you think the driver is alone? Wasn't someone holding the camera?

Agreed that the inside mirror appears to be blocked by the large screen, but why is that a problem? As long as you have good outside mirrors you can get all the information you need. Many trucks have no inside view to the rear at all, as also any vehicle towing a tall trailer. Buses don't have a useful view from the inside mirror. Just filling the back seat with tall people may render the inside mirror of little use. I just drove several hundred miles with a tall load blocking the inside mirror and knew at all times what was happening with traffic behind me.

How do you know that the vehicle is in motion? The cars that I've seen with screens that the driver can see have an interlock that shuts off the video feed when the transmission is in gear. Your second paragraph even alludes to that.

Perhaps you can identify the type of vehicle as being a huge monster SUV. I don't personally recognize it. I doubt that the driver is actually a midget, but who's to say that he's not just short? How can you tell that it's a SUV rather than a pickup with club cab? In lots of lines the interiors look pretty much alike these days, and people are putting video systems into pickups.

I'm no fan of video entertainment systems in cars, and don't expect to ever own one. But if someone wants to spend their money that way, it certainly doesn't bother me.

[nifocinphx]

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/no.gif

[Naturist Mark]

Here is a Motorcycle (Scooter) with DVD/GPS map/rear view camera monitor:

[Naturist Mark]

And a Honda Goldwing with map/video display built-in:

[Naturist Mark]

Reposted from another topic, I just had to introduce this song to the voices ...

how do you tell ur parents ur a nudist?


How about a song? (play the music) (http://evenmoresapphiredreams.bravepages.com/C/campg.mid)



Hello Mudda, hello Fadda,
Here I am at Camp Nakada
Camp is very entertaining,
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I lost my shorts while mountain biking
then lost my shirt while out free hiking
But I remembered my sunscreen mister
So I didn't get sunburned on my ke-ister.

All the meals here are served al fresco
And I'm not talking about the pesto
And everybody, sits on their napkins!
And the dining room decor is mostly bareskins.

Now I don't want that this should you scare,
But my best friend has hardly no hair
Do you remember my cousin Ruthie?
She's decided to become a complete smoothie.

<UL TYPE=SQUARE> Take my word, oh muddah, faddah
There's no place like Camp Nakada
I shed all my cares and woes
Peel them off just like an old set of clothes

Take my word, oh muddah, faddah
There's no place like Camp Nakada
I shed all my cares and woes
Peel them off just like an old set of clothes[/list]
Wait a minute, it's stopped raining.
Time for swimming, and volley training.
Playing petanque, gee that's so fun,
Or just lie out on the beach to soak up the sun.

Dearest Father, darling Mother,
How's my precious little brother?
You can come here, if you miss me,
But remember at Nakada we are clothes-free.

-Mark

[missouriboy]

Here's a question for the voices...

What is the plural of coitus interruptus?

(Answer tomorrow. Or whenever I remember this...)

[nudeM]

Posted by missouriboy: What is the plural of coitus interruptus ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Headache? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
A time to kill?

A moment of Rage?

[nacktman]

What is the plural of coitus interruptus?

Actually, that is the plural form of the phrase.
The proper phrase is Coitus interrupto when used for a single case.

[nacktman]

Although, "A moment of Rage" fits it well. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

[nifocinphx]

Originally posted by nacktman:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> What is the plural of coitus interruptus?

Actually, that is the plural form of the phrase.
The proper phrase is Coitus interrupto when used for a single case. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

A single case of Coitus interrupto???

[hw]

Originally posted by missouriboy:
Here's a question for the voices...

What is the plural of coitus interruptus?

(Answer tomorrow. Or whenever I remember this...)


<span class="ev_code_RED">Kids, dogs and old people? </span>

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[missouriboy]

The plural of coitus interruptus is TWINS! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[hw]

Sensible Observations



Sensible Observations


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the WashingtonPost says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New Yorksaid, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I''ll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[barelybob]

How is it that you know so many truths about life? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[nudeM]

Posted by HW: 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember those days. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

[nifocinphx]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The story had to contain the following -

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

[harveym]

An inmate of a mental institute escaped and raped some women. The headline the next day:

Nut, bolts and screws

[nudeM]

Walked up to a lady the other day, and we had a nice conversation. She was very nice, but she suffered from 'butterface'.

She had a nice personality, but-her-face was one that needed to be desired. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

[grl66]

Hey, I'm back! Did ya miss me??????



Nah, thought ya wouldn't.


Anyway, have ya seen these?..... I laughed.

Penalty shot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XuEGHHoZGM)

Darth Vadar (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8RZ_FCIFyo)

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Welcome back, grl66.

No, I hadn't seen those clips before and they are real funny. I liked Darth Vadar the best.

[hw]

Welcome back Greg! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif I've been saving this one for you for a long time. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif


FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I am sure most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying I'm really not interested, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a rate of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get an advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144. Per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making a payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but...
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem .

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food....

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and
I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.....
AT&T: (click)

Note from me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell
them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man. ... Click........

Or my other favorite...... Are you single? Click...... http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[grl66]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Nice one hw. Still in form I see.

[nimrod]

hw, that was great.
I had one man call, and he was one of those people that could talk forever without taking a breath so I could not interupt him until he was finished with his whole speech. When he did finish I said, "Hey, you sound cute.". All I heard was the click of the phone being hung up.

[hw]

Yep Greg, I'm still aROUND.

Good one nimrod. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif


http://terrisfp.com/flash8/toot.swf



TURN UP THE SOUND!



TURN UP THE SOUND! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/anxious.gif

[nacktman]

.

[OZJames]

When in get a call http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/angry.gif (and I get at least one or two every day) from someone who says "can I speak to the office manager" or "how are you today" - I say very quickly "not interested thanks" and put the phone down quick enough not to hear their response.

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[grl66]

Ah communication.... wanted and unwanted....

Alas, beware the internet, lest ye fall victim to it's pitfalls (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fR6ynoXag4)

[OZJames]

grl66 - The above pitfall movie is a great laugh http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif THANKS

Our son recently gave us a WEB CAMera and we talk and view each other Australia/USA. Its fantastic. As nudists we must now be very careful of our state of dress when the WEB CAM is on.

There nmust be some funny stories out there about slip ups ??????

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[missouriboy]

HUH? She raised her slip up? I didn't know the gals even wore slips anymore! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/sad3.gif

[grl66]

Ah, was she wearing a slip?..... Or just slipping into something a little more comfortable? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wiseguy.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
You reckon that boy lost his appetite?

[OZJames]

Appetite for what - his dinner or sex ?

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Why, dinner. 'Ain't much can ruin a boys' sexual appetite.

[hw]

Three women and three men are traveling by train to
the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and
watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only
one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,
please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a
clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the
return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single
ticket for the return trip but see,
to their astonishment, that the three women don't
buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram
themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just
down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the
women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are
hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket,
please."

And I'm still trying to figure out why men ever
think they are smarter than women!!!

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/charming.gif

[Baron Lake]

Ah! An HW friday. Great way to start the weekend.
b.l.

[grl66]

A Real Newpaper advertisement


$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had
its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all
wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.
I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a
loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean
what I thought. Call me, Steve.
(801) 867-xxxx

[nudeM]

"..all wheels have always been on the ground." Wow, now this is some real news. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

[grl66]

Are the voices coming from microsoft?

Open a blank word document

Type the following:

=rand(200,99)

Press enter



What the........?! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

[hw]

<span class="ev_code_RED">grl I am so confused. I tried =rand(200,99) and didn't hear a thing. lol</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/confused.gif

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">nudeM....no old jokes?</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif



Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


Question: What do you do all week?

Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!

[nifocinphx]

Great retirement list, hw http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: What's the 2nd biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: You never get a day off http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[grl66]

Speaking of retirees

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."

[grl66]

True wedding bliss (http://franksemails.com/video/wedding_bliss1.wmv.html)

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[nudeM]

I guess that's one way to beat the price of 'gas'. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[OZJames]

It's amazing , ever since grl66 put up the wedding bliss it has been very WINDY here http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[grl66]

I've been wondering. You know how when you're sitting and need to pass wind you lift one cheek. Do you think you would call that gaso-lean?

[OZJames]

grl66 - Do you think you would call that gaso-lean?

grl66 - Do you sniff petrol that gives yo wind ? If so I suggest you stop sniffing petrol. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[missouriboy]

Sign in an old gunsmith's workshop...

R E T I R E D ! !
I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

[hw]

In honor of the up coming Halloween season, I thought I'd share these sites with you:


Ghosts (http://www.ghosts.org/)


Shadowlands (http://theshadowlands.net/)


Ghosthound (http://www.ghosthound.com/)


http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

[nudeM]

Cool site. Thanks for sharing. The pics are 'proof' there are ghosts around. Maybe those are the 'voices'. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/smoking.gif

CYA soon http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Wow, a lot of info on the ghosts and goblins. I may never sleep again. Ha

[nudeM]

Nude ghosts would not be as scary as clothed ones. You wouldn't be able to see them without the sheets. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[OZJames]

Yes you would , here is PROOF

http://www.dirkhooper.com/images/masque/masque201.jpg

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[Jason Lee]

anyone tried Clothes Free/Nude Ghost Hunting ?

[KetchumMaine]

The man cleaning the men's rest room at my local Wal Mart is named Aime (pronounced "aim"). http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/happy.gif

[nudeM]

Sorry James, I stand corrected. I guess you can see ghosts when they remove the sheets. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/shocked.gif

[nacktman]

!

[nudeM]

Thanks nackman, I tried that stress treatment, now my computer stopped working. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/bonk.gif

[OZJames]

Nacktman - I have this drawing on my office wall

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nudeM]

Wow, that looks like someone I once knew. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Are you talking to me? Hey, are you talking to me? hahahahahahahahahahahahaah

[nudeM]

Posted by Shaybare: Are you talking to me? Hey, are you talking to me? hahahahahahahahahahahahaah --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not really. This individual/person/animal has a head of hair. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[nacktman]

.

[hw]

Slide cursor up and down page to raise and lower
'T'shirt.

If you're a Hooter Girls fan, you should really enjoy this. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/eusa_dance.gif

Flash (http://www.123mycodes.com/myspaceprank/boobflash.swf)

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/laugh.gif

[Baron Lake]

You're the best HW.

(Was that nudeM's first modeling job?)

b.l.
(former Hooters Girl fan)

[grl66]

Are you musically challanged? Have you never had the time nor the opportunity to take up an instrument? Do you just plain suck at keeping a beat?

Fret no more. Pull out your camcorder, boot up your computer and you'll be a professional (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqumbhfxRo) in no time.

[Nu]

Thanks,Greg:

There may be hope for me, yet.
Buddy Rich,Liberace, move over!

[hw]

Originally posted by Baron Lake:
You're the best HW.

(Was that nudeM's first modeling job?)

b.l.
(former Hooters Girl fan)


<span class="ev_code_RED">No, that was not nudeM. A hairy chest is not his strong birthdaysuit. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/wink3.gif

His "first" nude modeling job was as right here on CF. Remember that Shay? http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif

(I think nudeM's first real job involved cows.) http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif Moo-ving right along.</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/applause.gif

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
Oh, yes. I remember it well. As if it were only a couple of years ago. What fond memories. I had a blast with you and nudeM.

[nudeM]

Yea, my first job had to deal with cattle. I had to model to get them to go where I wanted them to go. Then I had to model to get the bulls to go as well. I was used as a stepping stone once. http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif