Are My Voices Offending You?

[hw]

Hey all, quick question. Are my voices offending you in any way, shape, or forum? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If my signature is offensive to some, does that mean we can no longer use the words, crazy, nuts, whack-o, or whack-job?

Would any of you be offended if I used this as my signature? Sarcasm, Just One More Service I Offer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Hey Trailscout, you may be off the hook now. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Remember this if Off Topic Fun Stuff....so go ahead and have fun! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw ...Not offended at all...Thanks for all the laughter and smiles you bring /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif Luv the unique personality that is YOU !One of the main reasons I remain with the forum...Boy its gettin deep in here....No bull /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb

[NoodJuggler]

No they do not Offend me but the Mushrooms are really growing GOOD around here. These flowers are for you GF http://naturalandnude.com/mush.jpg All this **** is making them grow. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I think I am going to start a Mushroom Farm..Always in the Dark and fed ****. Oh..Sorry..That is you line. You are not poking fun of anyone so why not..I think that everyone here is a little crazy anyway.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif At least that is what your little voices told me last night..Bye..Keithmj

Legal Notice...No Mushrooms were Harmed in the Making of this Post. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif and this post does not reflect the opinions of INA or anyone living or dead.

FORGOT to tell you..These Flowers are California flowers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Wow! Flowers for me? Thanks Keithmj. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I have a really special flower growing in my front yard right now and would post it if only I knew how. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Thank you too Outdoorbare....your one liners are just great. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Remember folks... "Humor, it does a nude body good" ! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Jochanaan]

I love your voices. As I've said before, if we weren't half crazy we'd all go insane! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

I love the voices. I live alone and the voices keep me company. Of course, I still have to do all the cleaning and cooking but the voices don't make too many messes and they don't eat much so I guess it's OK.

[mj]

just as long as your voices don't call my voices nasty names we will do ok....

[FireProf]

hw,

We are always happy to hear from your many voices...we are getting so used to them we can usually listen to each of them at the same time! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!! Shaybare is that really you? Did my buddy finally get his computer fixed? Oh I am so excited! Welcome back Shaybare!!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Thanks to everyone who likes my voices! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif You people are so cool! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[shãybare]

Yep, it's really me. My REAL computer is still in the shop so I bought this pc from my ex and need to get some bugs out of it but at least I can post on the forum. I missed you guys every day and thought I was going nuts. OK, I am nuts, but that's berside the pointer.

[shãybare]

Hey, hw, where is the fish? I hope he didn't get the hook.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Hey, hw, where is the fish? I hope he didn't get the hook. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hook, line and sinker....I wish the fish was back among the posters too. But we all know how busy summer can be. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Again Shaybare, welcome back! (The Voices) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Prometheus]

This whole voice thing reminds me of a high school classmate who would pretend he was possessed just for kicks. He heard voices, swatted at invisible demons -- it was hilarious. He even had a bumper sticker that said "I do what the voices tell me to." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

I was told to say that the voices are good, the voices are good.

Have a wondrous day. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Prometheus:
He even had a bumper sticker that said "I do what the voices tell me to." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I do what they tell me to do too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
-------------------------------------------------
I was told to say that the voices are good, the voices are good.

The voices are good bob. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[NoodJuggler]

Hi hw..A friend made a picture for you that I wanted to pass along..We know how you like flowers and everything so here is your new Florial Arrangement...LOL..Keithmj
http://naturalandnude.com/room.bmp At least that is what your little voices told mine..KMJ /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Thanks KMJ, thanks a bunch! You are such a Fun-Guy. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I do love flowers and since I rarely recieve them from anyone /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I do appreciate them any time I can get them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Is that a domestic or foreign mushroom?
(The voice of knowledge) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw ...Since you do enjoy flowers ....Heeeeer's some more...These are the unique Sierra Snowplant ...No chlorophyll... like mushrooms....I had to lay flat on the ground to get this closeup shot...(Does that make me ground beef /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif )...Hope you enjoy them...you deserve them www.clothesfree.com/personals/outdoorbare3.jpg (http://www.clothesfree.com/personals/outdoorbare3.jpg)

[hw]

Ummmmmm, Odie, buddy, I can't see the flowers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Do you suppose the computer fairies have taken them, or was it the voices? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw.. hopefully the computer fairies will have them for you shortly /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ..They came through for me the last time I sent a photo...I haven't quite got the process down flawlessly yet...Outdoorbare /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I'll try again...Snowplants?...Are you there? www. clothesfree.com/personals/outdoorbare4.jpg

[hw]

Odie it's the thought that counts...so thank you. I did see the one you posted about the water fall! Just beautiful. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

David77... Thanks for the tip..I just learned I can edit my own message ..And Naturistmark1 pmd me some other tips...So don't give up Hw ...us computer fairies are doing our best to bring you your flowers... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif OdieB

[David77]

Outdoorbare,
Friend, I'm sorry. In the future you could please help me by telling me the solution to this particular computer IMG problem. When I try to follow my instruction book, the magic does not materialize as I hope, because I do something wrong.

[hw]

Please don't read this if you are offended by jokes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
With all the heated discussions in the other threads, I thought I'd post another joke in my own thread. No offense intended to believers and non-believers alike! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was facinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[FireProf]

hw,

You keep me coming back to these boards! Sometimes some of these threads get to far out into left field for us. You always have a sense of humor and are able to laugh at yourself. Something some people have lost the ability to do.

You keep doing what you do best on these boards, making us laugh.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FireProf:
hw,You keep doing what you do best on these boards, making us laugh. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks FireProf! I may grow old but I'll never grow up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Shaybare, Odie, f-d.... go check your PM's. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

Offended by your voices? No way!!! While I don't get online as much as I would like,beleive me, when I finally get to "off topic fun stuff", your 'home base', that is the highlight of my time online. Keep those voices comin'in.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
Offended by your voices? No way!!! While I don't get online as much as I would like,beleive me, when I finally get to "off topic fun stuff", your 'home base', that is the highlight of my time online. Keep those voices comin'in. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks fred...it is so " Gouda " you to notice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Can I ask you a question? Well here's the second....is a cheesehead the same thing as Headcheese? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks fred...it is so " Gouda " you to notice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Can I ask you a question? Well here's the second....is a cheesehead the same thing as Headcheese? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB][/QUOTE]

To my knowlage, the term "cheesehead" was started by the late Mike Royko, then writing for the Chicago Sun-Times as a derogatory remark about Wisconsinites in general. ( Royko is also credited with being the first to refer to former CA Gov Jerry Brown as "Gov. Moonbeam")

Headcheese, on the other hand is actually a jellied sausage, generally made from pig's tounge,heart and "other edible parts of the head". I have never tasted it nor do I care to.

[fred950]

HW, Got your P M .I got to admit, I loved it. Those phases sure were me and the ex, alright!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
To my knowlage, the term "cheesehead" was started by the late Mike Royko, then writing for the Chicago Sun-Times as a derogatory remark about Wisconsinites in general. ( Royko is also credited with being the first to refer to former CA Gov Jerry Brown as "Gov. Moonbeam")
Headcheese, on the other hand is actually a jellied sausage, generally made from pig's tounge,heart and "other edible parts of the head". I have never tasted it nor do I care to. [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>First off thanks for all the info. fred. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif My youngest son is also a member of the elite group known as "Cheeseheads"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
CA does seem to have a problem with "colorfully named Governors"! Stay tuned for the latest developements on the "Gray Out" on going in CA. (I wonder if Miss Clairol could help)? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

"I have never tasted it nor do I care to."
Me too! Yuck! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Have a great day! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Jochanaan]

That was a cute "private" message you sent me, HW! Maybe it should have been titled, "I'll Fly Away!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was facinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Very nice! Please don't listen if anyone tells you, "Leaf me alone!" (I tried telling that to a fern over a friend's couch. It didn't listen.)

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Very nice! Please don't listen if anyone tells you, "Leaf me alone!" (I tried telling that to a fern over a friend's couch. It didn't listen.) [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Maybe it was a " Loose Leaf " Bible the little boy was looking at. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
BTW...Fern's will never listen to you. Corn on the other hand, well.. you can talk their " ears " off! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Now can anyone tell me if they've ever seen a horse- fly? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[mj]

hw....aging is inevitable....maturity is optional, i have taken the options on this....i have never seen a horse fly nor a pig for that matterbut have seen a saw....

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mj:
hw....aging is inevitable....maturity is optional, i have taken the options on this....i have never seen a horse fly nor a pig for that matterbut have seen a saw.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>mj what options have you taken? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Why not just " Fly " on over to your PM and check out the connection. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Zip-i-dy---doooo-daaaaaa! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
HW, Got your P M .I got to admit, I loved it. Those phases sure were me and the ex, alright! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gee fred I don't know how I missed this post! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif I think phase 3 can be attributed to " mini me " voice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Gotta fly.. sounds like the cat and dog are fighting! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Please don't read this if you are offended by SA jokes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif .the rest of you enjoy! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Clear DayMan Schooling:
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas


Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

MEN 201 : How to put the toilet seat down.

Now,now , leave the seat DOWN. Aim carefully

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
MEN 201 : How to put the toilet seat down.

Now,now , leave the seat DOWN. Aim carefully <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Just to be fair, I always put BOTH the seat AND lid down.

-Mark

[Prometheus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mj:
...i have never seen a horse fly.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Never seen a horse fly? Lucky dog. I got bitten by one a few days ago. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

If you catch a fly and remove its wings, does that make it a "walk?"
-- Steven Wright

If you catch a horsefly and remove its wings, does that make it a "trot?"
-- missouriboy

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mj:
hw....aging is inevitable....maturity is optional, i have taken the options on this....i have never seen a horse fly nor a pig for that matterbut have seen a saw.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>"I see," said the carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

No, I've never seen a horse fly. I've seen lots of horses, but they all just walked, trotted, or galloped.

I have long lived by the plaque I saw at a friend's house: "I may be getting older, but I REFUSE TO GROW UP!"

[Naturist Mark]

You can't help growing older, but I try to compensate by being immature.

-Mark

I always tell people that I refuse to look or act my age. In fact, I need to get around and dye my beard again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Head cheese is delicious. Also caused "souse meat" it is great sliced and made into sandwiches or just eaten by the slice.

Some recipes put red pepper in it for a little extra tang.

It's a southern thing, y'all!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Head cheese is delicious. Also caused "souse meat" it is great sliced and made into sandwiches or just eaten by the slice.
Some recipes put red pepper in it for a little extra tang.
It's a southern thing, y'all! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks for posting this Trailscout. Think I'll pass on those sandwiches though. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Why is it called "souse meat"? Souse sounds too much like mouse and I think Moboy has a strange attraction to mice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Keep posting these southern recipes....some have been quite intoxicating! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
To the rest of you guys...Please be sweet and lift the seat! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

Maybe it's because you have to be "soused" to eat it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and
noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie".
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his
"thingie" which he left sticking up. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one
using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady,
"There's no justice in the world". The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Jochanaan]

OK, hw, what are SA jokes? And was your last post one of them?

[shãybare]

South American?
San Antonio?
Soused American?
Silly A-s?

I give up.

[hw]

A SA MOuse collector man once told me: (E=MC2) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Joke-anaan and Shaybare.....check your PM's for further explanations! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

The secret to a well-cooked squirrel is keep the meat from drying out over the fire. It is best enjoyed in a hearty stew with sliced vegetables.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
The secret to a well-cooked squirrel is keep the meat from drying out over the fire. It is best enjoyed in a hearty stew with sliced vegetables. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So Trailscout is this for "Road Kill" Squirrel, or the hunted variety?
Also can you use beach sprouted mushrooms in the stew? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

HW,

Just because Southern folks will sometimes include a wide variety of game on their menu does not mean that we will eat meat that is not fresh. Unless he has fallen on hard times, a true Southern sportsman will not eat what has died by another's hand.

Besides, why eat a road-kill squirrel when you can use it as bait to catch a much larger tasty 'possum?

Of course bigger is not always better. I don't know too many folks who like bear meat, but I don't know anyone who would turn his nose up at a fat young groundhog, roasted over a bed of coals.

[Trailscout]

Mushrooms-
Word to the wise: There are old mushroom hunters and bold mushroom hunters, but there are no old bold mushroom hunters.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Mushrooms-
Word to the wise: There are old mushroom hunters and bold mushroom hunters, but there are no old bold mushroom hunters. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Trailscout you are one fun-gi, but I beg to differ with you. According to my children I am older than dirt, and I used to gather mushrooms in my younger days. (Hunting for them seemed so senseless...I mean have you ever shot a mushroom? Not much left...that is where you get those canned pieces and stems.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
You say: "a true Southern sportsman will not eat what has died by another's hand." Does this mean a Southern sportsman who has hunted and not found game will not go into a Burger King, or KFC....or some other place for a bite to eat? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
OK, hw, what are SA jokes? And was your last post one of them? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>A hint about what a SA is: it can sit on an ice-cream cone and tell you what flavor it is!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
"I see," said the carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But here's the version that makes it FUN-NEE!!

"See? See!" said the blind man, to his deaf daughter, and he picked up his hammer and SAW!

"Getting older is mandatory, but getting wiser is optional." /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Does anybody remember all the words to this one... /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

One dark, dark night
When the moon was bright

Two dead boys
Got up to fight.

Back to back
They faced each other,

Drew their swords
And shot each other!

A deaf policeman
Heard the noise,

And came and shot
The two dead boys!

...seems like it started out with something about a graveyard, which would explain why the two boys were dead...but all the lines are contradictory.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
A hint about what a SA is: it can sit on an ice-cream cone and tell you what flavor it is!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy...can it bray the answer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Missouriboy,

That's almost as I heard it. However, I heard the beginning as : "One dark night when the sun was shining bright".

There's another one I wish I could remember that started with "A barefoot boy with shoes on stood sitting in the grass---". I always enjoyed those non-sensical jingles. I wonder if anyone ever wrote a book of them? I've always wanted to get a book of sayings explaining their origin like "Drunk as a skunk". How many have actually seen a drunk skunk? "Crazy as a bedbug". I remember getting bit by them as a kid, but if they were crazy or sane is anyone's guess. "Sick as a dog" makes it sound as though dogs are always sick. There are many more just as weird.

Another thing I've wondered about: Why are certain stories called "Old wives tales"? Are "old wives" the ones who started them?

[David77]

It was common to use the term "SA" like this,
"She has lots of SA".

SA means "sex appeal".

[Trailscout]

Here's a few verses from a song that was featured on "Oh Brother, where art thou?":

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
The cops have wooden legs
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit
And the barns are full of hay
I'm bound to go
Where there ain't no snow
Where the sleet don't fall
And the winds don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Chorus:
Oh the buzzin' of the bees
In the cigarette trees
Near the soda water fountain
At the lemonade springs
Where the bluebird sings
On the Big Rock Candy Mountain

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain,
The jails are made of tin.
You can slip right out again,
As soon as they put you in.
There ain't no short-handled shovels,
No axes, saws nor picks,
I'm bound to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they hung the jerk
That invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Chorus:
Oh the buzzin' of the bees
In the cigarette trees
Near the soda water fountain
At the lemonade springs
Where the bluebird sings
On the Big Rock Candy Mountain

[hw]

Hey Moboy is this the poem you were thinking of? There are many variations of the verses. I'll try to find more for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

The British Columbia Folklore Society
"One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night"
"Two Dead Boys", folk rhyme

In the first issue of the British Columbia Folklore Society's newsletter we ran the following article in a slightly altered form:

One fine day in the middle of the night...

David Fleetwood, who was born in British Columbia in 1929 and who worked as a cat-skinner in logging camps for most of his life, remembered his grandfather reciting this poem but said his own recollection of it was not complete. After checking out various sources, including the Opies [the authors Iona and Peter] and the Web, it appears that there are a number of versions of the poem current, essentially made up of part one, particularly the first two lines, and any of the subsequent parts (or parts of the parts):

Part 1.
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys* got up to fight [*or men]
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
Part 2a.
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
[or: And two lame men came to carry them away]
Part 2b.
A paralysed donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a nine inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all
Part 2c.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story?s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!


Another version.

"I come before you, to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Admission is free, so pay at the door;
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor:

Early this morning, late last night,
Two dead men rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one 'nother.

A stone-deaf sheriff heard the noise,
And came and killed those two dead boys.
The mute psychotic shrieked in fright,
With words of joy at this ghastly sight.

Now if you doubt this lie is true?
Ask the blind man; he saw it, too."

[threadbare]

This makes absolutely no sense, so I figured it belonged here /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If a canoe rolls down a hill and loses one of it's wheels, how many pancakes and waffles would it take to build a doghouse?

The answer is just as ridiculous, but it will stick in your head for years /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by THREADBEAR:
This makes absolutely no sense, so I figured it belonged here /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If a canoe rolls down a hill and loses one of it's wheels, how many pancakes and waffles would it take to build a doghouse?

The answer is just as ridiculous, but it will stick in your head for years /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>THREADBEAR: It makes perfect sense to me and you posted it in just the right place! Thanks for the ROFLMAO! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif (The Voice) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Greetings from one crazy to all you others...You know who (what?)you are....I remember it as "One Dark Day in the middle of the night"...strange how we all hear things differently...Anybody remember "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.....a kid l eat ivy too wouldnt you /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif "

[hw]

Anybody remember "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.....a kid l eat ivy too wouldnt you "

Odie my mother used to sing that song to us when we were growing up....oh wait she still does sometimes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Now go Focus On your PM's. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

hw,

Are those the actual words to that song? Whenever I heard it I heard these words, "Marsey dotes and dosey dotes and little lamsy divy." No wonder it never made any sense! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw, Are those the actual words to that song? Whenever I heard it I heard these words, "Marsey dotes and dosey dotes and little lamsy divy." No wonder it never made any sense! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jon-Marc.... As far as I know those are the words. You may have to ask Odie, (Outdoorbare).
You are not alone in what you thought you heard, I used to think the same thing. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Oil-well, we live and learn! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Have a great evening all. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Aha! It seems we have a folklorist in our mist, uh, midst, hw!

Yes, I remember "Mares Eat Oats," too!

Long ago when I was a child (not kid; I'm not a baby goat), whenever I would say "Hey!" my stepbrother would reply,
"Straw's cheaper,
Grass is free.
Cows eat it,
Why don't we?"

Jochanaan...Thanks... I hadn't heard that one...It was always ...Hey...Hay is for horses /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare... Oh ..and hw and jon-marc...I remember the first verse as" maresy dotes and dosey dotes....etc."but the second verse was ..".Weeeelll if Mares eat oats and does eat oats....etc.? slower and more clearly... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[threadbare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan

Long ago when I was a child (not kid; I'm not a baby goat), whenever I would say "Hey!" my stepbrother would reply,
"Straw's cheaper,
Grass is free.
Cows eat it,
Why don't we?" [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I remember this too, later in life it was changed to; Hey------That's the first stage of Horse-s**t

[threadbare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by THREADBEAR:
This makes absolutely no sense, so I figured it belonged here /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If a canoe rolls down a hill and loses one of it's wheels, how many pancakes and waffles would it take to build a doghouse?

The answer is just as ridiculous, but it will stick in your head for years /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Ice-cream got no bones /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[missouriboy]

If a hen and a half
Lays an egg and a half
In a day and a half...
How long does it take a rooster sitting on a brass doorknob to hatch a hardware store?

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
If a hen and a half
Lays an egg and a half
In a day and a half...
How long does it take a rooster sitting on a brass doorknob to hatch a hardware store? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Phase 3? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Trailscout]

Here's another one:

The Dying Fisherman's Song
'Twas midnight on the ocean,
Not a streetcar was in sight,
The sun was shining brightly
For it had rained all that night.
'Twas a summer's day in winter
The rain was snowing fast,
As a barefoot girl with shoes on,
Stood sitting on the grass.
'Twas evening and the rising sun
Was setting in the west;
And all the fishes in the trees
Were cuddled in their nests.
The rain was pouring down,
The sun was shining bright,
And everything that you could see
Was hidden out of sight.
The organ peeled potatoes,
Lard was rendered by the choir;
When the sexton rang the dishrag
Someone set the church on fire.
"Holy smokes!" the preacher shouted,
As he madly tore his hair.
Now his head resembles heaven,
For there is no parting there.
-- Author Unknown

Trailscout ...Im glad the Fisherman died before he could write anymore songs... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ...Where do you all find this stuff /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Thanks for bringing cheer to my day... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif Outdoorbare

"The rain was pouring down,
The sun was shining bright."

I've seen that happen here lots of times. One time I looked out the front door of the house and, and it was raining heavily. I looked out the back door; the sun was shining bright, and it was dry. I've also seen the sun shine brightly through a pouring rain. We often have the moon and sun out at the same time.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
If a hen and a half
Lays an egg and a half
In a day and a half...
How long does it take a rooster sitting on a brass doorknob to hatch a hardware store? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey Moboy is this the right answer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Or is this the answer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

BE SURE TO ADVISE YOUR DOCTOR

Something to keep in mind for your next hospital visit..........

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

...........Just thought you'd like to know. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

The only answer I ever heard was, "Do you give up? So did the rooster!"

[hw]

Handy Job Performance Review Checklist

PERFORMANCE FACTORS:

----- Far Exceeds Job Requirements

----- Exceeds Job Requirements

----- Meets Job Requirements

----- Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements

QUALITY:

----- Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.

----- Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings.

----- Can only leap over short buildings or medium with no spirals.

----- Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them.

----- Cannot recognize buildings at all what's more cannot jump.

TIMELINESS:

----- Is faster than a speeding bullet.

----- Is as fast as a speeding bullet.

----- Not as fast as a speeding bullet.

----- Would you believe a slow bullet.

----- Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot.

INITIATIVE:

----- Is stronger than a locomotive.

----- Is stronger than a bull elephant.

----- Is stronger than a bull.

----- Shoots the bull.

----- Smells like a bull.

ADAPTIBILITY:

----- Walks on water.

----- Walks on water in emergencies.

----- Washes with water.

----- Drinks water.

----- Passes water in emergencies.

COMMUNICATION:

----- Talks with God.

----- Talks with the Angels.

----- Talks to himself.

----- Argues with himself.

----- Loses arguments with self.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[Trailscout]

My parents used to sing the Mares Eat Oats song to me as a kid.

Here's a link to another one they used to sing, complete with music:
Three Little Fishies Song (http://www21.brinkster.com/cfgraphics/3fish/3fish.html)

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
My parents used to sing the Mares Eat Oats song to me as a kid.

Here's a link to another one they used to sing, complete with music:
Three Little Fishies Song (http://www21.brinkster.com/cfgraphics/3fish/3fish.html) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks for the link Trailscout! My mother used to sing Three Little Fishies to me also. I am sending it to her tonight. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Thanks guy, you always have such cool links! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Trailscout]

Here's a song I learned from a friend:

At the boarding house where I lived,
Things were getting green with mold
The landlord's hair was in the butter,
Silver threads among the gold.
When the dog died, we had sausage
When the cat died, catnip tea,
When the landlord died, I left there,
Spare ribs were too much for me.
tune: Silver Threads Among The Gold

I think I'll get a vegetable plate the next time I dine there!

[hw]

Yes Trailscout...go vegetarian!
That reminds me of a song from childhood...can't remember all the words. Something about great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif El Yuck-o! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
"The rain was pouring down,
The sun was shining bright."

I've seen that happen here lots of times. One time I looked out the front door of the house and, and it was raining heavily. I looked out the back door; the sun was shining bright, and it was dry. I've also seen the sun shine brightly through a pouring rain. We often have the moon and sun out at the same time. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Awwww, J-M, you had to go and get serious on us. (Or is that serial?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

From your weather report, you must live in the central US like I do. Fog one minute, sun the next, snow after that. I never know what the hail to expect! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Oops! Did I write that?

[Jochanaan]

Did anyone see this Dilbert a while back?

A Bad Day: "I think I need to look for another job."
A Worse Day: "Hey, that's my job they're trying to fill!"
A Much Worse Day: "And I'm not qualified."

[threadbare]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:

That reminds me of a song from childhood...can't remember all the words. Something about great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif El Yuck-o! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>....chopped-up parakeet, mutilated monkey meet--That's what boys are made of /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Usually preceeded by ----little girls are made of Sugar and spice and everything nice /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Ah---the age of inocents(sp)

[Trailscout]

Do y'all know the song, "Old Dan Tucker"?

Old Dan Tucker's a fine old man,
Washed his face in a frying pan,
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel,
Died of toothache in his heel.

Old Dan Tucker he come to town,
Riding on a billygoat, leading a hound,
Hound dog bark and the billygoat jump,
Throwed Dan Tucker on top of a stump.

Old Dan Tucker, he got drunk,
Fell in the fire and he kicked up a chunk,
Red hot coal got in his shoe,
Oh my Lawdy how the ashes flew.

Chorus:
Get out th' way, old Dan Tucker
Get out th' way, old Dan Tucker
Get out th' way, old Dan Tucker
You're too late to stay for supper.
Supper's over, breakfast's cookin'
Old Dan Tucker's just standin' lookin'.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by THREADBEAR:
....chopped-up parakeet, mutilated monkey meet--That's what boys are made of /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Usually preceeded by ----little girls are made of Sugar and spice and everything nice /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Ah---the age of inocents(sp) [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks THREADBEAR, but wasn't there a line about "and you forgot your spoon"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Thanks to you too Trailscout for the Dan Tucker song. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I never "nude" all the words to that one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks THREADBEAR, but wasn't there a line about "and you forgot your spoon"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB][/QUOTE]

I seem to remember it as:
"Great big globs of Greasy Grimey Gopher guts,
Murtilated Monkey meat,
Little Dirty Birdy feet
Great big globs of greasy grimey gopher guts,
and I forgot my spoon."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

[hw]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to
end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello, we're down here..." /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

i justed wanted to thank everyone for brighting
my day.,but for some reason i have the strange
urge for boiled monkey. if i remember right you
boiled them whole but they were a little spooky
to look at. oh and h.w. your voices are keeping me awake at night---- or maybe it was that helicoter doing a drug sweep at 1 o'clock in the morning---na its the voices, but i fear they are my own!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
something about roasted parrot /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
no no thats jimmy buffet in the background!!!
relief at last. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif the c.d. player is not pluged in!!! what's that you want me to do? eat chicken???
yes yes you are right everything tastes like chicken------------

[hw]

tarsus said: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>i have the strange
urge for boiled monkey. if i remember right you
boiled them whole but they were a little spooky
to look at. oh and h.w. your voices are keeping me awake at night---- or maybe it was that helicoter doing a drug sweep at 1 o'clock in the morning---na its the voices, but i fear they are my own!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus my voices don't do "helicoter" noises. I don't even know what a " helicoter " is. lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
As for cooking monkey meat you may have to ask Trailscout for that recipe...he is quite the chef you know. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Perhaps a good pounding of your monkey is in order to tenderize. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Speaking of tender-eyes, I visited my ophthalmologist yesterday. I was wondering why they need to use such hard spelling for an eye Dr.. I think calling eye Dr.s Eyeballogists would be much easier to pronounce, spell and remember. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Can anyone else think of good replacemnet names for any other professional service people? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

HW,
The chef's secret for wild game is to marinate it in brine, wine or beer before you cook the critter. Don't use any wine or beer for cooking that you are not willing to drink. In these hard economic times drinking the beer marinade may become a necessity. But don't drink brine. It's not much of a thirst quencher.

Another secret of good cooking is that tough tasteless meat can be rendered tolerable if you cook it long enough to become tender, then pour a tasty gravy over it to give it some flavor.

Remember any fur bearing animal can be eaten safely. (Wash rabbits carefully after you skin them).

All snakes and other reptiles are safe to eat (once they're dead). Same is true for birds. Eggs are a safe source of food if the egg is fresh and the farmer you are stealing from is still in bed asleep.

Fish are a great source of meat, just be sure to cook them, especially freshwater fish. Sushi making is for highly trained people. Don't try it at home.

Frogs and toads may be poisonous, so be careful to skin them. Frog legs are fairly safe to eat as long as you skin them. Tastes like chicken.

Grasshoppers and locusts are good to eat roasted and so are ants, but it takes quite a few to make a meal. (Cover ants with chocolate for a nice dessert).

Yellow jacket grubs are a time-honored Cherokee delicacy, but it's hell broke loose when you first dig up their nest!

I know there's a few critters that I have overlooked, but this will get you started toward being a wilderness chef.

[hw]

Thanks for all the great tips Trailscout. You said, <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Remember any fur bearing animal can be eaten safely. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Does this apply to Pole-cats as well? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Do they taste like fish? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
As for drinking beer and wine, I think I'll pass. These kinds of spirits make the voices say and do some really off the wall things. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[hw]

****************Irish Toast**********************
*************************************************
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
Mary said, "Aye, what was your toast"?
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife".
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you Mary".
Mary said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know he's only been there twice! One he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

HW,

Pole cats are survival food. There's a lot of things that aren't too tasty, but will keep body and soul together. Pray that times never get so hard that you have to eat one of them varmints.

Don't be afraid to cook with beer. The cooking distills off the alcohol and you won't act the fool at the party or wake up with a hangover.
Well some folks act the fool before they take their first nip off the bottle, but I can guarantee you I ain't never seen a stupid man get smarter from drinking spirits.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
HW,Pole cats are survival food. There's a lot of things that aren't too tasty, but will keep body and soul together. Pray that times never get so hard that you have to eat one of them varmints. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Trailscout, but not to worry. I'd never eat a "P-Cat"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Just not my cup of tea... now I would consider eating mushrooms. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I love mushrooms...just look at me!
Keep your spirits up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[fred950]

A few decades back, one of the consumer mags did an article about filth and insect parts showing up in hot dogs. After finding several insect pieces, the mag did a nutrition annalisis on those 'parts'. Turned out to be more nutritious than the hot dog!


Scout is right about cooking with beer. Use it in place of water in pancake mix and you get a real nice buckwheat taste.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
Scout is right about cooking with beer. Use it in place of water in pancake mix and you get a real nice buckwheat taste. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But Fred, I prefer Alfalfa and sometimes
Spanky, you Little Rascal! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
...I ain't never seen a stupid man get smarter from drinking spirits. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yeah, but what about a NON-stupid man? Friend-a-mine calls his beer "intelligence medicine." Sez, "After about ten of these, there ain't nuthin' I don't know!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Yes Trailscout...go vegetarian!
That reminds me of a song from childhood...can't remember all the words. Something about great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif El Yuck-o! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmm...I always thought it was "Great green gobs of itty bitty kitty guts"...

[Trailscout]

It's time for the worm song!

The Worm Song

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Big fat juicy worms, long skinny slimy worms
Gosh how they wriggle and squirm!

Bite their heads off, and suck their juice out,
throw their skins away
Nobody knows how man can thrive
On worms three times a day.

One of many such songs taught by the YMCA in other years.

[hw]

The Newest Medications for Women

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h*ll for up to 8 hours.

St. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
enjoyment of country western music. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.

BUY-ONE-AL (Extra Strength)
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A * S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, dear, I have a
headache!" syndrome. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble.

Thanks Moboy!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

You're very welcome! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Which one will help you the most, ya think? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Gee Moboy...they're all so good....I don't think I could choose just one. Do they have anything for voice mail, that is the one thing that drives me inane! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

A friend writes:
Can the Dead be billed in heaven? CitiBank thinks so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge...the balance had been$0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think G*d will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my
supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info
given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to
help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not,
you could just keep billing her...I suppose..... I don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and
plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Perhaps they think she's a working stiff...

[tarsus]

h.w. that citi bank deal reminds me of a phone charge i got once. it was like 20.00 or so for two minutes to a place i never heard of.
i called company to ask about,was told it was a
sex line. /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif told them i don't need a sex line get all i can handle as it is.
told me someone else may have called.
no one home during time of call.
told them i see naked people all the time, get plenty of sex, and have good social life.
still took almost two years of calls to clear this up. good luck.
and h.w. a few posts back you said something about spanking my monkey? well i did that but the thing screamed and clawed and bit. but boy did it have a red butt!! did i tell you its a baboon? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .

I had a collect call charged to my phone once from a pay phone in Texas. I don't know anyone there. There was no one at home when the call was supposedly accepted. Fortunately, I had no problem getting it removed from my bill.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
and h.w. a few posts back you said something about spanking my monkey? well i did that but the thing screamed and clawed and bit. but boy did it have a red butt!! did i tell you its a baboon? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif . <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus...was your monkey/baboon Beat Red? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Jon-Marc and tarsus about the problems with the phone company. Refer the offending tele-person to a good proctologist. A good proctologist should be able to find said offenders head. Obviously if their ears are covered they can't hear your voices! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

h.w.
i concede, /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif you are by far the better person.
i am slower then a snail on a salt bed.
i just now caught that "helicoter" referance.
but i am still cuter,and have my looks to get
by on /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
when you are pretty as i am you just don't need
any thing else /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif .
so there /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

tarsus have you ever heard the saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? I don't consider myself a true beauty, but to me beauty comes from within! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I have no idea how cute or pretty you are...but the voices tell me you are a beautiful person. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
(They haven't been wrong so far...) /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

So how is your baboon doing after all that spanking/beating? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

well h.w. the baboon stole all my fruit and ran off with a chump. i mean chimp.
i am sure you are a beautiful person also.
do you remember "memories" from the play "cats"?
thats my theme song.well close as i can get
since men do not get emotional about these
things. age did not sneak up on me. if hit like
a hammer. like ex-lax on superman it knocked
the **** out of me. before i knew it i was
drained like a virgin bitten by a vampire.
robbed by that uncatchable thief; father time.
ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for me.
uh---wait a minute thats the door bell-- sorry
got carried away there for a minute.
always get this way in oct. it's mummys fault
she could be a real witch back in the day.
well i can feel the hair growing on my back,time
to bite the silver bullet,and get the howl outta
here,crowds starting to get ugly,and that lousey
baboon will come back for the fruit they throw.

[hw]

Wow tarsus....that post sounded just like something my voices would say....welcome to the voice/brain sharing! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.giflol (Don't be jealous Gamblefish...you know you'll always be
#1 (_E=MC2_) in my book!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

tarsus you may have to consult ercNY about the monkey/baboon/chimp problem. I hear he's had some experience with them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I do remember the song Memories from Cats.... I think that is one of the Fish-man's favorite songs! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Now as for October....man that belongs on a whole other thread! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Oops! While I slept this thread was taken over by phonies! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (Oops again! I didn't mean to call it a thread, since I still prefer not to wear any.)

Did you hear about the widow who called to cancel her husband's magazine subscription? (This is for those who have worked in the magazine business.) She merely said that he had expired. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Jochanaan]

hw, I think you forgot one:

N O B I C H O L

Decreases men's attraction to women who complain constantly.

[tarsus]

h.w. just seen that thread /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif need to get in touch
jochanaan you can not expect crazy people to stay in focus-- anyway i drive a ranger,new yorker, and grand am /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .
to h.w. and gamblefish i am a vegetarian, i eat fish however /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif john-marc could i tell stories about those phone booths /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif and before i leave this thread for good having been here too long,gamblefish i thought mrs. paul done had you
you were gone so long, a belated welcome back.

[hw]

Great one Joke-anaan! Butt no Phonies here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
h.w. just seen that thread /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif need to get in touch jochanaan you can not expect crazy people to stay in focus-- anyway i drive a ranger,new yorker, and grand am /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow tarsus...you are quite talented are you? You drive a Ranger, New Yorker, and Grand AM all at the same time? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Even with my voices I can only drive one vehicle at a time....for me Safari....Sa-good-y. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Please don't quit this thread...it may start to weave out of control! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for me. uh---wait a minute thats the door bell-- sorry got carried away there for a minute.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus....are you hearing bells and voices? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
COCKY PRIZE WINNER

Best Rooster

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the NO BELL PIECE PRIZE but also the
PULLETSURPRISE /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

h.w. you talked me into it so i am back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
maybe you heard this one.
a farmer had a rooster that was always after the hens, one day the farmer saw vultures over head
and went to check, sure enough the rooster was on his back eyes closed not breathing, farmer said "i knew it was bound to happen". rooster opened one eye and said "shhh"; "they are getting
closer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
being a virgin {last one in america} i had to keep it clean. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
i have not left the building,please remain standing,i have not yet tired of the thunderous
applause of my adoring fans. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Welcome back tarsus...so glad you decided to stay and play. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
nudeM this one's for you! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif And any other football nuts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter
questioned each man:

St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ?
First man: 210.
St. Peter: Wow! That's really high, maybe we should discuss the
Theory of Relativity sometime.

St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ?
Second man: 170.
St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the
fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime.

St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ?
Third man: 70.
St. Peter: Well... How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?

[tarsus]

i was just wondering; do you suppose dogs accuse
other dogs of having people breath?
is it really a good thing that a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
and this one thing really bothers me, vultures
will not eat their own kind,but chickens will
eat fryed chicken,so why do we eat chicken,and not vultures? they are both birds after all.
top at one h.w. for abstract thoughts /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
maddess you say? no not maddess! i am just angry. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif s.o.c.{save our chickens,i want pork!!} wait a minute i gotta get hold of myself
people are starting to realize the truth.
i am napoleon.{crazed laugher as he leaves the room}

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
i was just wondering; do you suppose dogs accuse other dogs of having people breath?
Probably
is it really a good thing that a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
Yes
and this one thing really bothers me, vultures will not eat their own kind,but chickens will eat fryed chicken,so why do we eat chicken,and not vultures? they are both birds after all.
I have a couple of well trained birds that don't eat a thing! Their only job is to salute a rude driver! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
top at one h.w. for abstract thoughts /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>OK tarsus, how about this? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Artery : The study of paintings
Bacteria : Back door of the cafeteria
Barium : What u do with dead patients
Bowels : A E I O U
Caesarean Section : A suburb in Rome
Catscan : A search for kitty
D & C : Where Washington is
Dilate : To live longer
Enema : Not your friend
Fester : Quicker
Genital : Not a Jew
Impotent : Distinguished and well known
Labor pain : Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff : Doctor's walking stick
Morbid : Higher offer
Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates
Out Patient : A person who's fainted
Pelvis : A friend of Elvis
Post Operative : A letter courier
Seizure : The Roman Emperor
Terminal illness : when u get sick at the airport
Tumor : Another couple
Urine : The opposite of "you're out"
ZUMA : Zero Understanding of Medical Affairs
/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[tarsus]

gee whiz, your command of our spoken language
is to say the least amazing, you must be well traveled here in my home state. stop in next time and we shall have possum and grits;never ate
possum?,tastes like chicken.
well gag me with a spoon, one of my other personallies must have come out for a minute
there. like totally fer sure, you know what i
mean? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
i have got to find my meds,see you on the flip side.10-4?

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
gee whiz, your command of our spoken language
is to say the least amazing, you must be well traveled here in my home state. stop in next time and we shall have possum and grits;never ate
possum?,tastes like chicken.
well gag me with a spoon, one of my other personallies must have come out for a minute
there. like totally fer sure, you know what i
mean? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
i have got to find my meds,see you on the flip side.10-4? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh reeeeallllly tarsus? Iz u shore? I B thankin' ya proper. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif Iz got to flip sides...lefty and righty! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif And ya amembered my birthday...good buddy! U'z my kinda people. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Iz never stepped foot inside Ken-tucky, butt Iz alwayz wanted to run Bare-footed threw some bluegrass! Weeeeeeeee-Doggies! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[shãybare]

I have to take more meds. Iunnerstud eveernthang HW sed.

[Jochanaan]

Oooooooooops! Sorry, hw! I really meant to post something witty on your birthday, but instead I was like the guy who thought he was a wit but was only 1/2 right! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Does the thought count?

Anyway, happy birthday. Here's hoping you dilate! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif That's so we won't have to Barrymore.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Oooooooooops! Sorry, hw! I really meant to post something witty on your birthday, but instead I was like the guy who thought he was a wit but was only 1/2 right! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
Does the thought count?
Anyway, happy birthday. Here's hoping you dilate! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif That's so we won't have to Barrymore. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Joke buddy, but the Birthday wishes are on another thread...or lack there of. You posted Off Topic, so you are right on topic. Besides at my age I have started on the backwards count...right now I am at T-minus ten, nine, eight..... times 5, plus 7....or in dog years....I'm toast. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

And now for something really off the wall...do my eyes decieve me, or did Stu change his avatar? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If that is his picture...he looks much too young to have children of college age. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
And now for something really off the wall...do my eyes decieve me, or did Stu change his avatar? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If that is his picture...he looks much too young to have children of college age. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think Stu is not who he says he is...you be the judge!!

http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/harry-potter.jpg http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/stu.jpg

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
And now for something really off the wall...do my eyes decieve me, or did Stu change his avatar? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If that is his picture...he looks much too young to have children of college age. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm sure Stu has retained is youthful good looks by assiduously avoiding the damaging rays of the sun.

Or perhaps he is related to Dick Clark?

-Mark

[tarsus]

maybe stu goes by another name.
dorian gray ???

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Thanks Joke buddy, but the Birthday wishes are on another thread...or lack there of. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Which one? Apart from the one I'm not wearing. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Besides at my age I have started on the backwards count...right now I am at T-minus ten, nine, eight..... times 5, plus 7....or in dog years....I'm toast. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>When did you start counting back? Or is that classified information?

BTW, I love toast! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Sol-Searcher]

HW as I get older I try to find humor in it, I hope this helps and you never get to this stage.

OLDER MOMENTS

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a beer."

SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home
and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after
a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she
seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all
morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and
says, "Close enough."
SENILE (Pat, Donna, & Jeanie)
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She
yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up
and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

DOWN AT THE NURSING HOME
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and
finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Your friend,
Randy

PS Happy Birthday

[hw]

Thanks Randy...those are just great! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I don't think I'm quite ready for the OFH yet. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Joke the birthday Thread is called My Day. So would you like some Super... er soup with your Toast?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Motorcity Nude and Gamblefish...please Voice your concern for The Voices here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol
I believe Glenda Jackson is another sister of Michael and Janet! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Maybe not...the voices are confusing all of us lately.
Fish buddy... you like Ted Nugent? Didn't he sing a song called "Cat Scratch Fever"? I thought you hated cats...hmmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Now here's a little something for all of my bearded friends! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
It is an old joke, but the music makes it worth repeating!
Turn up the sound, and enjoy!
You might have to cut and paste the url...
www.karaszewski.us/outhouse.html (http://www.karaszewski.us/outhouse.html)

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
the music makes it worth repeating!
Turn up the sound, and enjoy!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The music's great! I just wish it was in stereo. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
The music's great! I just wish it was in stereo. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy I'm sorry if you can't get it in stereo. And speaking of great music, do you play the piano? I think you have to be able to read "Sheet" Music in order to play well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...I think you have to be able to read "Sheet" Music in order to play well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not necessarily, but it helps to have your sheet together.

[Jochanaan]

Hey! Nine more posts and I'll be over 500!

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Hey! Nine more posts and I'll be over 500! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Joke-anaan you don't look a day over 499! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
I'll PM you about the "Sheet" music reference. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
I'll PM you about the "Sheet" music reference. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Me too??? (Oh, never mind. I remember!)

Old school-days friend-a-mine would suggest to the girls, "I bet we could make great sheet-music together!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.


A woman's prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[barelybob]

I once had a deaf mute nymphomaniac girlfriend. She didn't have big boobs or own a liquor store, but she about wore me out for good.

It was hard to tell her that I had to go to work in a couple of hours with the lights out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by barelybob:
It was hard to tell her that I had to go to work in a couple of hours with the lights out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not a lip reader huh? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Well here's something you might enjoy:

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS


This is a nice story. It will really pull at your heart strings.
It's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little girl and some construction workers that
makes you believe that there is still hope for the younger
generation...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building
a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going
on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
more or less gems-in-the-rough, adopted her as a kind
of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl
took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly
replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the
house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home
Depot ever deliver the f***ing sheet rock ..." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[barelybob]

Ain't kids just wonderful? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw..Loved your schucking feet rock story....Odb /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by barelybob:
...It was hard to tell her that I had to go to work in a couple of hours with the lights out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What kind of a job do you have, that you work with the lights out?

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What kind of a job do you have, that you work with the lights out?

Here in CA we call them electric company employees! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

This is for all my joking buddies! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a
farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet,"
said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until
he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a
pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl
of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow,
so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at
his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or
should I?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Oh! HW, naughty, naughty, but still funny anyway!

[hw]

AN AMAZING CONCLUSION: Size Really Does Matter




1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.




3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.





4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.





5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.


AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Just one more link for all my buddies who like to laugh.
http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/toosexygranny.cfm

Well, HW, now we know how to tell how successful men are. It may not tell us the exact job they have, but it will tell us how high up the job is! Gee, I wonder what that says about the President?

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Gee, I wonder what that says about the President? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No one plays with a bigger ball than a President...

http://www.solstation.com/images/earth2.jpg

[Baron Lake]

naturistmark,
dubbya sure seems to think it's his.

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Well, HW, now we know how to tell how successful men are.Gee, I wonder what that says about the President? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Marbles, or loss there of? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif Hmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/ic