Are My Voices Offending You? [Archive]

fred950

09-07-2003, 09:14 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks fred...it is so " Gouda " you to notice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Can I ask you a question? Well here's the second....is a cheesehead the same thing as Headcheese? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB][/QUOTE]

To my knowlage, the term "cheesehead" was started by the late Mike Royko, then writing for the Chicago Sun-Times as a derogatory remark about Wisconsinites in general. ( Royko is also credited with being the first to refer to former CA Gov Jerry Brown as "Gov. Moonbeam")

Headcheese, on the other hand is actually a jellied sausage, generally made from pig's tounge,heart and "other edible parts of the head". I have never tasted it nor do I care to.

fred950

09-07-2003, 09:29 AM

HW, Got your P M .I got to admit, I loved it. Those phases sure were me and the ex, alright!

09-07-2003, 09:51 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by fred950:
To my knowlage, the term "cheesehead" was started by the late Mike Royko, then writing for the Chicago Sun-Times as a derogatory remark about Wisconsinites in general. ( Royko is also credited with being the first to refer to former CA Gov Jerry Brown as "Gov. Moonbeam")
Headcheese, on the other hand is actually a jellied sausage, generally made from pig's tounge,heart and "other edible parts of the head". I have never tasted it nor do I care to. [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>First off thanks for all the info. fred. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif My youngest son is also a member of the elite group known as "Cheeseheads"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
CA does seem to have a problem with "colorfully named Governors"! Stay tuned for the latest developements on the "Gray Out" on going in CA. (I wonder if Miss Clairol could help)? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

"I have never tasted it nor do I care to."
Me too! Yuck! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Have a great day! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Jochanaan

09-09-2003, 12:27 PM

That was a cute "private" message you sent me, HW! Maybe it should have been titled, "I'll Fly Away!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Jochanaan

09-09-2003, 12:32 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was facinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Very nice! Please don't listen if anyone tells you, "Leaf me alone!" (I tried telling that to a fern over a friend's couch. It didn't listen.)

09-09-2003, 01:55 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Very nice! Please don't listen if anyone tells you, "Leaf me alone!" (I tried telling that to a fern over a friend's couch. It didn't listen.) [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Maybe it was a " Loose Leaf " Bible the little boy was looking at. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
BTW...Fern's will never listen to you. Corn on the other hand, well.. you can talk their " ears " off! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Now can anyone tell me if they've ever seen a horse- fly? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

09-09-2003, 03:50 PM

hw....aging is inevitable....maturity is optional, i have taken the options on this....i have never seen a horse fly nor a pig for that matterbut have seen a saw....

09-09-2003, 04:23 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by mj:
hw....aging is inevitable....maturity is optional, i have taken the options on this....i have never seen a horse fly nor a pig for that matterbut have seen a saw.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>mj what options have you taken? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Why not just " Fly " on over to your PM and check out the connection. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Zip-i-dy---doooo-daaaaaa! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

09-10-2003, 07:07 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by fred950:
HW, Got your P M .I got to admit, I loved it. Those phases sure were me and the ex, alright! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gee fred I don't know how I missed this post! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif I think phase 3 can be attributed to " mini me " voice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Gotta fly.. sounds like the cat and dog are fighting! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

09-18-2003, 12:18 PM

Please don't read this if you are offended by SA jokes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif .the rest of you enjoy! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Clear DayMan Schooling:
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

fred950

09-18-2003, 07:30 PM

MEN 201 : How to put the toilet seat down.

Now,now , leave the seat DOWN. Aim carefully

Naturist Mark

09-18-2003, 09:36 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by fred950:
MEN 201 : How to put the toilet seat down.

Now,now , leave the seat DOWN. Aim carefully <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Just to be fair, I always put BOTH the seat AND lid down.

-Mark

Prometheus

09-19-2003, 02:16 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by mj:
...i have never seen a horse fly.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Never seen a horse fly? Lucky dog. I got bitten by one a few days ago. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

missouriboy

09-19-2003, 06:32 AM

If you catch a fly and remove its wings, does that make it a "walk?"
-- Steven Wright

If you catch a horsefly and remove its wings, does that make it a "trot?"
-- missouriboy

Jochanaan

09-19-2003, 11:00 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by mj:
hw....aging is inevitable....maturity is optional, i have taken the options on this....i have never seen a horse fly nor a pig for that matterbut have seen a saw.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>"I see," said the carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

No, I've never seen a horse fly. I've seen lots of horses, but they all just walked, trotted, or galloped.

I have long lived by the plaque I saw at a friend's house: "I may be getting older, but I REFUSE TO GROW UP!"

Naturist Mark

09-19-2003, 03:53 PM

You can't help growing older, but I try to compensate by being immature.

-Mark

09-19-2003, 05:20 PM

I always tell people that I refuse to look or act my age. In fact, I need to get around and dye my beard again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout

09-19-2003, 05:48 PM

Head cheese is delicious. Also caused "souse meat" it is great sliced and made into sandwiches or just eaten by the slice.

Some recipes put red pepper in it for a little extra tang.

It's a southern thing, y'all!

09-19-2003, 08:01 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Head cheese is delicious. Also caused "souse meat" it is great sliced and made into sandwiches or just eaten by the slice.
Some recipes put red pepper in it for a little extra tang.
It's a southern thing, y'all! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks for posting this Trailscout. Think I'll pass on those sandwiches though. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Why is it called "souse meat"? Souse sounds too much like mouse and I think Moboy has a strange attraction to mice. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Keep posting these southern recipes....some have been quite intoxicating! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
To the rest of you guys...Please be sweet and lift the seat! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

barelybob

09-20-2003, 05:46 AM

Maybe it's because you have to be "soused" to eat it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

09-22-2003, 02:12 PM

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and
noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie".
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his
"thingie" which he left sticking up. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one
using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady,
"There's no justice in the world". The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Jochanaan

09-22-2003, 02:42 PM

OK, hw, what are SA jokes? And was your last post one of them?

shãybare

09-22-2003, 05:40 PM

South American?
San Antonio?
Soused American?
Silly A-s?

I give up.

09-22-2003, 06:28 PM

A SA MOuse collector man once told me: (E=MC2) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Joke-anaan and Shaybare.....check your PM's for further explanations! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout

09-22-2003, 06:43 PM

The secret to a well-cooked squirrel is keep the meat from drying out over the fire. It is best enjoyed in a hearty stew with sliced vegetables.

09-22-2003, 07:08 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
The secret to a well-cooked squirrel is keep the meat from drying out over the fire. It is best enjoyed in a hearty stew with sliced vegetables. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So Trailscout is this for "Road Kill" Squirrel, or the hunted variety?
Also can you use beach sprouted mushrooms in the stew? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout

09-22-2003, 08:44 PM

HW,

Just because Southern folks will sometimes include a wide variety of game on their menu does not mean that we will eat meat that is not fresh. Unless he has fallen on hard times, a true Southern sportsman will not eat what has died by another's hand.

Besides, why eat a road-kill squirrel when you can use it as bait to catch a much larger tasty 'possum?

Of course bigger is not always better. I don't know too many folks who like bear meat, but I don't know anyone who would turn his nose up at a fat young groundhog, roasted over a bed of coals.

Trailscout

09-22-2003, 08:45 PM

Mushrooms-
Word to the wise: There are old mushroom hunters and bold mushroom hunters, but there are no old bold mushroom hunters.

09-22-2003, 10:13 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
Mushrooms-
Word to the wise: There are old mushroom hunters and bold mushroom hunters, but there are no old bold mushroom hunters. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Trailscout you are one fun-gi, but I beg to differ with you. According to my children I am older than dirt, and I used to gather mushrooms in my younger days. (Hunting for them seemed so senseless...I mean have you ever shot a mushroom? Not much left...that is where you get those canned pieces and stems.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
You say: "a true Southern sportsman will not eat what has died by another's hand." Does this mean a Southern sportsman who has hunted and not found game will not go into a Burger King, or KFC....or some other place for a bite to eat? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

09-23-2003, 12:06 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
OK, hw, what are SA jokes? And was your last post one of them? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>A hint about what a SA is: it can sit on an ice-cream cone and tell you what flavor it is!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

09-23-2003, 12:28 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
"I see," said the carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But here's the version that makes it FUN-NEE!!

"See? See!" said the blind man, to his deaf daughter, and he picked up his hammer and SAW!

"Getting older is mandatory, but getting wiser is optional." /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Does anybody remember all the words to this one... /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

One dark, dark night
When the moon was bright

Two dead boys
Got up to fight.

Back to back
They faced each other,

Drew their swords
And shot each other!

A deaf policeman
Heard the noise,

And came and shot
The two dead boys!

...seems like it started out with something about a graveyard, which would explain why the two boys were dead...but all the lines are contradictory.

09-23-2003, 07:59 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
A hint about what a SA is: it can sit on an ice-cream cone and tell you what flavor it is!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy...can it bray the answer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

09-23-2003, 12:17 PM

Missouriboy,

That's almost as I heard it. However, I heard the beginning as : "One dark night when the sun was shining bright".

There's another one I wish I could remember that started with "A barefoot boy with shoes on stood sitting in the grass---". I always enjoyed those non-sensical jingles. I wonder if anyone ever wrote a book of them? I've always wanted to get a book of sayings explaining their origin like "Drunk as a skunk". How many have actually seen a drunk skunk? "Crazy as a bedbug". I remember getting bit by them as a kid, but if they were crazy or sane is anyone's guess. "Sick as a dog" makes it sound as though dogs are always sick. There are many more just as weird.

Another thing I've wondered about: Why are certain stories called "Old wives tales"? Are "old wives" the ones who started them?

David77

09-23-2003, 03:04 PM

It was common to use the term "SA" like this,
"She has lots of SA".

SA means "sex appeal".

Trailscout

09-23-2003, 03:05 PM

Here's a few verses from a song that was featured on "Oh Brother, where art thou?":

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
The cops have wooden legs
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit
And the barns are full of hay
I'm bound to go
Where there ain't no snow
Where the sleet don't fall
And the winds don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Chorus:
Oh the buzzin' of the bees
In the cigarette trees
Near the soda water fountain
At the lemonade springs
Where the bluebird sings
On the Big Rock Candy Mountain

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain,
The jails are made of tin.
You can slip right out again,
As soon as they put you in.
There ain't no short-handled shovels,
No axes, saws nor picks,
I'm bound to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they hung the jerk
That invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Chorus:
Oh the buzzin' of the bees
In the cigarette trees
Near the soda water fountain
At the lemonade springs
Where the bluebird sings
On the Big Rock Candy Mountain

09-24-2003, 10:07 AM

Hey Moboy is this the poem you were thinking of? There are many variations of the verses. I'll try to find more for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

The British Columbia Folklore Society
"One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night"
"Two Dead Boys", folk rhyme

In the first issue of the British Columbia Folklore Society's newsletter we ran the following article in a slightly altered form:

One fine day in the middle of the night...

David Fleetwood, who was born in British Columbia in 1929 and who worked as a cat-skinner in logging camps for most of his life, remembered his grandfather reciting this poem but said his own recollection of it was not complete. After checking out various sources, including the Opies [the authors Iona and Peter] and the Web, it appears that there are a number of versions of the poem current, essentially made up of part one, particularly the first two lines, and any of the subsequent parts (or parts of the parts):

Part 1.
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys* got up to fight [*or men]
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
Part 2a.
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
[or: And two lame men came to carry them away]
Part 2b.
A paralysed donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a nine inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all
Part 2c.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story?s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Another version.

"I come before you, to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Admission is free, so pay at the door;
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor:

Early this morning, late last night,
Two dead men rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one 'nother.

A stone-deaf sheriff heard the noise,
And came and killed those two dead boys.
The mute psychotic shrieked in fright,
With words of joy at this ghastly sight.

Now if you doubt this lie is true?
Ask the blind man; he saw it, too."

threadbare

09-24-2003, 10:46 AM

This makes absolutely no sense, so I figured it belonged here /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If a canoe rolls down a hill and loses one of it's wheels, how many pancakes and waffles would it take to build a doghouse?

The answer is just as ridiculous, but it will stick in your head for years /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

09-24-2003, 02:44 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by THREADBEAR:
This makes absolutely no sense, so I figured it belonged here /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If a canoe rolls down a hill and loses one of it's wheels, how many pancakes and waffles would it take to build a doghouse?

The answer is just as ridiculous, but it will stick in your head for years /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>THREADBEAR: It makes perfect sense to me and you posted it in just the right place! Thanks for the ROFLMAO! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif (The Voice) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

09-24-2003, 03:13 PM

Greetings from one crazy to all you others...You know who (what?)you are....I remember it as "One Dark Day in the middle of the night"...strange how we all hear things differently...Anybody remember "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.....a kid l eat ivy too wouldnt you /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif "

09-24-2003, 03:42 PM

Anybody remember "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.....a kid l eat ivy too wouldnt you "

Odie my mother used to sing that song to us when we were growing up....oh wait she still does sometimes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Now go Focus On your PM's. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

09-24-2003, 07:10 PM

hw,

Are those the actual words to that song? Whenever I heard it I heard these words, "Marsey dotes and dosey dotes and little lamsy divy." No wonder it never made any sense! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

09-24-2003, 07:24 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
hw, Are those the actual words to that song? Whenever I heard it I heard these words, "Marsey dotes and dosey dotes and little lamsy divy." No wonder it never made any sense! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jon-Marc.... As far as I know those are the words. You may have to ask Odie, (Outdoorbare).
You are not alone in what you thought you heard, I used to think the same thing. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Oil-well, we live and learn! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Have a great evening all. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jochanaan

09-24-2003, 07:57 PM

Aha! It seems we have a folklorist in our mist, uh, midst, hw!

Yes, I remember "Mares Eat Oats," too!

Long ago when I was a child (not kid; I'm not a baby goat), whenever I would say "Hey!" my stepbrother would reply,
"Straw's cheaper,
Grass is free.
Cows eat it,
Why don't we?"

09-24-2003, 08:06 PM

Jochanaan...Thanks... I hadn't heard that one...It was always ...Hey...Hay is for horses /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare... Oh ..and hw and jon-marc...I remember the first verse as" maresy dotes and dosey dotes....etc."but the second verse was ..".Weeeelll if Mares eat oats and does eat oats....etc.? slower and more clearly... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

threadbare

09-25-2003, 03:17 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan

Long ago when I was a child (not kid; I'm not a baby goat), whenever I would say "Hey!" my stepbrother would reply,
"Straw's cheaper,
Grass is free.
Cows eat it,
Why don't we?" [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I remember this too, later in life it was changed to; Hey------That's the first stage of Horse-s**t

threadbare

09-25-2003, 03:19 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by THREADBEAR:
This makes absolutely no sense, so I figured it belonged here /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

If a canoe rolls down a hill and loses one of it's wheels, how many pancakes and waffles would it take to build a doghouse?

The answer is just as ridiculous, but it will stick in your head for years /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Ice-cream got no bones /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

missouriboy

09-25-2003, 04:22 AM

If a hen and a half
Lays an egg and a half
In a day and a half...
How long does it take a rooster sitting on a brass doorknob to hatch a hardware store?

09-25-2003, 05:25 AM

Trailscout

09-25-2003, 05:36 AM

Here's another one:

The Dying Fisherman's Song
'Twas midnight on the ocean,
Not a streetcar was in sight,
The sun was shining brightly
For it had rained all that night.
'Twas a summer's day in winter
The rain was snowing fast,
As a barefoot girl with shoes on,
Stood sitting on the grass.
'Twas evening and the rising sun
Was setting in the west;
And all the fishes in the trees
Were cuddled in their nests.
The rain was pouring down,
The sun was shining bright,
And everything that you could see
Was hidden out of sight.
The organ peeled potatoes,
Lard was rendered by the choir;
When the sexton rang the dishrag
Someone set the church on fire.
"Holy smokes!" the preacher shouted,
As he madly tore his hair.
Now his head resembles heaven,
For there is no parting there.
-- Author Unknown

09-25-2003, 07:36 AM

Trailscout ...Im glad the Fisherman died before he could write anymore songs... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ...Where do you all find this stuff /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Thanks for bringing cheer to my day... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif Outdoorbare

09-25-2003, 03:01 PM

"The rain was pouring down,
The sun was shining bright."

I've seen that happen here lots of times. One time I looked out the front door of the house and, and it was raining heavily. I looked out the back door; the sun was shining bright, and it was dry. I've also seen the sun shine brightly through a pouring rain. We often have the moon and sun out at the same time.

09-25-2003, 03:48 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
If a hen and a half
Lays an egg and a half
In a day and a half...
How long does it take a rooster sitting on a brass doorknob to hatch a hardware store? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey Moboy is this the right answer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Or is this the answer? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

BE SURE TO ADVISE YOUR DOCTOR

Something to keep in mind for your next hospital visit..........

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

...........Just thought you'd like to know. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

missouriboy

09-26-2003, 05:17 AM

The only answer I ever heard was, "Do you give up? So did the rooster!"

09-26-2003, 10:23 PM

Handy Job Performance Review Checklist

PERFORMANCE FACTORS:

----- Far Exceeds Job Requirements

----- Exceeds Job Requirements

----- Meets Job Requirements

----- Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements

QUALITY:

----- Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.

----- Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings.

----- Can only leap over short buildings or medium with no spirals.

----- Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them.

----- Cannot recognize buildings at all what's more cannot jump.

TIMELINESS:

----- Is faster than a speeding bullet.

----- Is as fast as a speeding bullet.

----- Not as fast as a speeding bullet.

----- Would you believe a slow bullet.

----- Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot.

INITIATIVE:

----- Is stronger than a locomotive.

----- Is stronger than a bull elephant.

----- Is stronger than a bull.

----- Shoots the bull.

----- Smells like a bull.

ADAPTIBILITY:

----- Walks on water.

----- Walks on water in emergencies.

----- Washes with water.

----- Drinks water.

----- Passes water in emergencies.

COMMUNICATION:

----- Talks with God.

----- Talks with the Angels.

----- Talks to himself.

----- Argues with himself.

----- Loses arguments with self.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Trailscout

09-27-2003, 08:22 PM

My parents used to sing the Mares Eat Oats song to me as a kid.

Here's a link to another one they used to sing, complete with music:
Three Little Fishies Song (http://www21.brinkster.com/cfgraphics/3fish/3fish.html)

09-27-2003, 09:17 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
My parents used to sing the Mares Eat Oats song to me as a kid.

Here's a link to another one they used to sing, complete with music:
Three Little Fishies Song (http://www21.brinkster.com/cfgraphics/3fish/3fish.html) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks for the link Trailscout! My mother used to sing Three Little Fishies to me also. I am sending it to her tonight. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Thanks guy, you always have such cool links! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Trailscout

09-28-2003, 10:38 AM

Here's a song I learned from a friend:

At the boarding house where I lived,
Things were getting green with mold
The landlord's hair was in the butter,
Silver threads among the gold.
When the dog died, we had sausage
When the cat died, catnip tea,
When the landlord died, I left there,
Spare ribs were too much for me.
tune: Silver Threads Among The Gold

I think I'll get a vegetable plate the next time I dine there!

09-28-2003, 10:55 AM

Yes Trailscout...go vegetarian!
That reminds me of a song from childhood...can't remember all the words. Something about great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif El Yuck-o! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jochanaan

09-28-2003, 12:07 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
"The rain was pouring down,
The sun was shining bright."

I've seen that happen here lots of times. One time I looked out the front door of the house and, and it was raining heavily. I looked out the back door; the sun was shining bright, and it was dry. I've also seen the sun shine brightly through a pouring rain. We often have the moon and sun out at the same time. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Awwww, J-M, you had to go and get serious on us. (Or is that serial?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

From your weather report, you must live in the central US like I do. Fog one minute, sun the next, snow after that. I never know what the hail to expect! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Oops! Did I write that?

Jochanaan

09-28-2003, 12:12 PM

Did anyone see this Dilbert a while back?

A Bad Day: "I think I need to look for another job."
A Worse Day: "Hey, that's my job they're trying to fill!"
A Much Worse Day: "And I'm not qualified."

threadbare

09-29-2003, 03:09 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:

That reminds me of a song from childhood...can't remember all the words. Something about great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif El Yuck-o! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>....chopped-up parakeet, mutilated monkey meet--That's what boys are made of /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Usually preceeded by ----little girls are made of Sugar and spice and everything nice /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Ah---the age of inocents(sp)

Trailscout

09-29-2003, 08:46 AM

Do y'all know the song, "Old Dan Tucker"?

Old Dan Tucker's a fine old man,
Washed his face in a frying pan,
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel,
Died of toothache in his heel.

Old Dan Tucker he come to town,
Riding on a billygoat, leading a hound,
Hound dog bark and the billygoat jump,
Throwed Dan Tucker on top of a stump.

Old Dan Tucker, he got drunk,
Fell in the fire and he kicked up a chunk,
Red hot coal got in his shoe,
Oh my Lawdy how the ashes flew.

Chorus:
Get out th' way, old Dan Tucker
Get out th' way, old Dan Tucker
Get out th' way, old Dan Tucker
You're too late to stay for supper.
Supper's over, breakfast's cookin'
Old Dan Tucker's just standin' lookin'.

09-29-2003, 09:06 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by THREADBEAR:
....chopped-up parakeet, mutilated monkey meet--That's what boys are made of /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Usually preceeded by ----little girls are made of Sugar and spice and everything nice /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Ah---the age of inocents(sp) [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks THREADBEAR, but wasn't there a line about "and you forgot your spoon"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Thanks to you too Trailscout for the Dan Tucker song. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I never "nude" all the words to that one. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

fred950

09-30-2003, 06:18 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks THREADBEAR, but wasn't there a line about "and you forgot your spoon"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif [/QB][/QUOTE]

I seem to remember it as:
"Great big globs of Greasy Grimey Gopher guts,
Murtilated Monkey meat,
Little Dirty Birdy feet
Great big globs of greasy grimey gopher guts,
and I forgot my spoon."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

09-30-2003, 06:19 PM

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to
end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello, we're down here..." /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus

10-01-2003, 08:20 AM

i justed wanted to thank everyone for brighting
my day.,but for some reason i have the strange
urge for boiled monkey. if i remember right you
boiled them whole but they were a little spooky
to look at. oh and h.w. your voices are keeping me awake at night---- or maybe it was that helicoter doing a drug sweep at 1 o'clock in the morning---na its the voices, but i fear they are my own!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
something about roasted parrot /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
no no thats jimmy buffet in the background!!!
relief at last. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif the c.d. player is not pluged in!!! what's that you want me to do? eat chicken???
yes yes you are right everything tastes like chicken------------

10-01-2003, 09:13 AM

tarsus said: <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>i have the strange
urge for boiled monkey. if i remember right you
boiled them whole but they were a little spooky
to look at. oh and h.w. your voices are keeping me awake at night---- or maybe it was that helicoter doing a drug sweep at 1 o'clock in the morning---na its the voices, but i fear they are my own!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus my voices don't do "helicoter" noises. I don't even know what a " helicoter " is. lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
As for cooking monkey meat you may have to ask Trailscout for that recipe...he is quite the chef you know. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Perhaps a good pounding of your monkey is in order to tenderize. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Speaking of tender-eyes, I visited my ophthalmologist yesterday. I was wondering why they need to use such hard spelling for an eye Dr.. I think calling eye Dr.s Eyeballogists would be much easier to pronounce, spell and remember. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Can anyone else think of good replacemnet names for any other professional service people? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout

10-01-2003, 10:55 AM

HW,
The chef's secret for wild game is to marinate it in brine, wine or beer before you cook the critter. Don't use any wine or beer for cooking that you are not willing to drink. In these hard economic times drinking the beer marinade may become a necessity. But don't drink brine. It's not much of a thirst quencher.

Another secret of good cooking is that tough tasteless meat can be rendered tolerable if you cook it long enough to become tender, then pour a tasty gravy over it to give it some flavor.

Remember any fur bearing animal can be eaten safely. (Wash rabbits carefully after you skin them).

All snakes and other reptiles are safe to eat (once they're dead). Same is true for birds. Eggs are a safe source of food if the egg is fresh and the farmer you are stealing from is still in bed asleep.

Fish are a great source of meat, just be sure to cook them, especially freshwater fish. Sushi making is for highly trained people. Don't try it at home.

Frogs and toads may be poisonous, so be careful to skin them. Frog legs are fairly safe to eat as long as you skin them. Tastes like chicken.

Grasshoppers and locusts are good to eat roasted and so are ants, but it takes quite a few to make a meal. (Cover ants with chocolate for a nice dessert).

Yellow jacket grubs are a time-honored Cherokee delicacy, but it's hell broke loose when you first dig up their nest!

I know there's a few critters that I have overlooked, but this will get you started toward being a wilderness chef.

10-01-2003, 04:21 PM

Thanks for all the great tips Trailscout. You said, <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> Remember any fur bearing animal can be eaten safely. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Does this apply to Pole-cats as well? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Do they taste like fish? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
As for drinking beer and wine, I think I'll pass. These kinds of spirits make the voices say and do some really off the wall things. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

10-02-2003, 08:14 AM

****************Irish Toast**********************
*************************************************
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
Mary said, "Aye, what was your toast"?
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife".
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you Mary".
Mary said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know he's only been there twice! One he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Trailscout

10-02-2003, 09:39 AM

HW,

Pole cats are survival food. There's a lot of things that aren't too tasty, but will keep body and soul together. Pray that times never get so hard that you have to eat one of them varmints.

Don't be afraid to cook with beer. The cooking distills off the alcohol and you won't act the fool at the party or wake up with a hangover.
Well some folks act the fool before they take their first nip off the bottle, but I can guarantee you I ain't never seen a stupid man get smarter from drinking spirits.

10-02-2003, 02:47 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
HW,Pole cats are survival food. There's a lot of things that aren't too tasty, but will keep body and soul together. Pray that times never get so hard that you have to eat one of them varmints. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Trailscout, but not to worry. I'd never eat a "P-Cat"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Just not my cup of tea... now I would consider eating mushrooms. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I love mushrooms...just look at me!
Keep your spirits up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

fred950

10-02-2003, 06:34 PM

A few decades back, one of the consumer mags did an article about filth and insect parts showing up in hot dogs. After finding several insect pieces, the mag did a nutrition annalisis on those 'parts'. Turned out to be more nutritious than the hot dog!

Scout is right about cooking with beer. Use it in place of water in pancake mix and you get a real nice buckwheat taste.

10-02-2003, 08:17 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by fred950:
Scout is right about cooking with beer. Use it in place of water in pancake mix and you get a real nice buckwheat taste. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But Fred, I prefer Alfalfa and sometimes
Spanky, you Little Rascal! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

10-03-2003, 02:20 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Trailscout:
...I ain't never seen a stupid man get smarter from drinking spirits. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yeah, but what about a NON-stupid man? Friend-a-mine calls his beer "intelligence medicine." Sez, "After about ten of these, there ain't nuthin' I don't know!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

gamblefish

10-06-2003, 02:38 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Yes Trailscout...go vegetarian!
That reminds me of a song from childhood...can't remember all the words. Something about great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif El Yuck-o! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmm...I always thought it was "Great green gobs of itty bitty kitty guts"...

Trailscout

10-06-2003, 05:36 PM

It's time for the worm song!

The Worm Song

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Big fat juicy worms, long skinny slimy worms
Gosh how they wriggle and squirm!

Bite their heads off, and suck their juice out,
throw their skins away
Nobody knows how man can thrive
On worms three times a day.

One of many such songs taught by the YMCA in other years.

10-08-2003, 08:45 AM

The Newest Medications for Women

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h*ll for up to 8 hours.

St. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
enjoyment of country western music. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.

BUY-ONE-AL (Extra Strength)
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A * S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, dear, I have a
headache!" syndrome. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble.

Thanks Moboy!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

10-09-2003, 08:37 AM

You're very welcome! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Which one will help you the most, ya think? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-09-2003, 02:04 PM

Gee Moboy...they're all so good....I don't think I could choose just one. Do they have anything for voice mail, that is the one thing that drives me inane! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-10-2003, 05:22 PM

A friend writes:
Can the Dead be billed in heaven? CitiBank thinks so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly
charge...the balance had been$0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think G*d will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my
supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info
given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to
help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not,
you could just keep billing her...I suppose..... I don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and
plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

gamblefish

10-12-2003, 02:23 PM

Perhaps they think she's a working stiff...

tarsus

10-14-2003, 09:05 AM

h.w. that citi bank deal reminds me of a phone charge i got once. it was like 20.00 or so for two minutes to a place i never heard of.
i called company to ask about,was told it was a
sex line. /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif told them i don't need a sex line get all i can handle as it is.
told me someone else may have called.
no one home during time of call.
told them i see naked people all the time, get plenty of sex, and have good social life.
still took almost two years of calls to clear this up. good luck.
and h.w. a few posts back you said something about spanking my monkey? well i did that but the thing screamed and clawed and bit. but boy did it have a red butt!! did i tell you its a baboon? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .

10-14-2003, 11:34 AM

I had a collect call charged to my phone once from a pay phone in Texas. I don't know anyone there. There was no one at home when the call was supposedly accepted. Fortunately, I had no problem getting it removed from my bill.

10-14-2003, 12:25 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
and h.w. a few posts back you said something about spanking my monkey? well i did that but the thing screamed and clawed and bit. but boy did it have a red butt!! did i tell you its a baboon? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif . <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus...was your monkey/baboon Beat Red? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Jon-Marc and tarsus about the problems with the phone company. Refer the offending tele-person to a good proctologist. A good proctologist should be able to find said offenders head. Obviously if their ears are covered they can't hear your voices! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus

10-15-2003, 08:37 AM

h.w.
i concede, /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif you are by far the better person.
i am slower then a snail on a salt bed.
i just now caught that "helicoter" referance.
but i am still cuter,and have my looks to get
by on /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
when you are pretty as i am you just don't need
any thing else /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif .
so there /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-15-2003, 09:24 AM

tarsus have you ever heard the saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? I don't consider myself a true beauty, but to me beauty comes from within! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
I have no idea how cute or pretty you are...but the voices tell me you are a beautiful person. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
(They haven't been wrong so far...) /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

So how is your baboon doing after all that spanking/beating? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus

10-15-2003, 05:40 PM

well h.w. the baboon stole all my fruit and ran off with a chump. i mean chimp.
i am sure you are a beautiful person also.
do you remember "memories" from the play "cats"?
thats my theme song.well close as i can get
since men do not get emotional about these
things. age did not sneak up on me. if hit like
a hammer. like ex-lax on superman it knocked
the **** out of me. before i knew it i was
drained like a virgin bitten by a vampire.
robbed by that uncatchable thief; father time.
ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for me.
uh---wait a minute thats the door bell-- sorry
got carried away there for a minute.
always get this way in oct. it's mummys fault
she could be a real witch back in the day.
well i can feel the hair growing on my back,time
to bite the silver bullet,and get the howl outta
here,crowds starting to get ugly,and that lousey
baboon will come back for the fruit they throw.

10-15-2003, 08:13 PM

Wow tarsus....that post sounded just like something my voices would say....welcome to the voice/brain sharing! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.giflol (Don't be jealous Gamblefish...you know you'll always be
#1 (_E=MC2_) in my book!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

tarsus you may have to consult ercNY about the monkey/baboon/chimp problem. I hear he's had some experience with them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I do remember the song Memories from Cats.... I think that is one of the Fish-man's favorite songs! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Now as for October....man that belongs on a whole other thread! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jochanaan

10-15-2003, 08:39 PM

Oops! While I slept this thread was taken over by phonies! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (Oops again! I didn't mean to call it a thread, since I still prefer not to wear any.)

Did you hear about the widow who called to cancel her husband's magazine subscription? (This is for those who have worked in the magazine business.) She merely said that he had expired. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Jochanaan

10-15-2003, 08:43 PM

hw, I think you forgot one:

N O B I C H O L

Decreases men's attraction to women who complain constantly.

tarsus

10-16-2003, 06:53 AM

h.w. just seen that thread /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif need to get in touch
jochanaan you can not expect crazy people to stay in focus-- anyway i drive a ranger,new yorker, and grand am /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .
to h.w. and gamblefish i am a vegetarian, i eat fish however /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif john-marc could i tell stories about those phone booths /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif and before i leave this thread for good having been here too long,gamblefish i thought mrs. paul done had you
you were gone so long, a belated welcome back.

10-16-2003, 08:19 AM

Great one Joke-anaan! Butt no Phonies here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
h.w. just seen that thread /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif need to get in touch jochanaan you can not expect crazy people to stay in focus-- anyway i drive a ranger,new yorker, and grand am /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow tarsus...you are quite talented are you? You drive a Ranger, New Yorker, and Grand AM all at the same time? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Even with my voices I can only drive one vehicle at a time....for me Safari....Sa-good-y. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Please don't quit this thread...it may start to weave out of control! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-16-2003, 03:36 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for me. uh---wait a minute thats the door bell-- sorry got carried away there for a minute.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus....are you hearing bells and voices? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
COCKY PRIZE WINNER

Best Rooster

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the NO BELL PIECE PRIZE but also the
PULLETSURPRISE /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

tarsus

10-20-2003, 06:16 AM

h.w. you talked me into it so i am back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
maybe you heard this one.
a farmer had a rooster that was always after the hens, one day the farmer saw vultures over head
and went to check, sure enough the rooster was on his back eyes closed not breathing, farmer said "i knew it was bound to happen". rooster opened one eye and said "shhh"; "they are getting
closer. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
being a virgin {last one in america} i had to keep it clean. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
i have not left the building,please remain standing,i have not yet tired of the thunderous
applause of my adoring fans. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

10-20-2003, 09:02 PM

Welcome back tarsus...so glad you decided to stay and play. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
nudeM this one's for you! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif And any other football nuts! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter
questioned each man:

St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ?
First man: 210.
St. Peter: Wow! That's really high, maybe we should discuss the
Theory of Relativity sometime.

St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ?
Second man: 170.
St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the
fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime.

St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ?
Third man: 70.
St. Peter: Well... How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?

tarsus

10-23-2003, 06:45 AM

i was just wondering; do you suppose dogs accuse
other dogs of having people breath?
is it really a good thing that a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
and this one thing really bothers me, vultures
will not eat their own kind,but chickens will
eat fryed chicken,so why do we eat chicken,and not vultures? they are both birds after all.
top at one h.w. for abstract thoughts /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
maddess you say? no not maddess! i am just angry. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif s.o.c.{save our chickens,i want pork!!} wait a minute i gotta get hold of myself
people are starting to realize the truth.
i am napoleon.{crazed laugher as he leaves the room}

10-23-2003, 08:25 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
i was just wondering; do you suppose dogs accuse other dogs of having people breath?
Probably
is it really a good thing that a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
Yes
and this one thing really bothers me, vultures will not eat their own kind,but chickens will eat fryed chicken,so why do we eat chicken,and not vultures? they are both birds after all.
I have a couple of well trained birds that don't eat a thing! Their only job is to salute a rude driver! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
top at one h.w. for abstract thoughts /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>OK tarsus, how about this? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Artery : The study of paintings
Bacteria : Back door of the cafeteria
Barium : What u do with dead patients
Bowels : A E I O U
Caesarean Section : A suburb in Rome
Catscan : A search for kitty
D & C : Where Washington is
Dilate : To live longer
Enema : Not your friend
Fester : Quicker
Genital : Not a Jew
Impotent : Distinguished and well known
Labor pain : Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff : Doctor's walking stick
Morbid : Higher offer
Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates
Out Patient : A person who's fainted
Pelvis : A friend of Elvis
Post Operative : A letter courier
Seizure : The Roman Emperor
Terminal illness : when u get sick at the airport
Tumor : Another couple
Urine : The opposite of "you're out"
ZUMA : Zero Understanding of Medical Affairs
/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

tarsus

10-27-2003, 05:25 AM

gee whiz, your command of our spoken language
is to say the least amazing, you must be well traveled here in my home state. stop in next time and we shall have possum and grits;never ate
possum?,tastes like chicken.
well gag me with a spoon, one of my other personallies must have come out for a minute
there. like totally fer sure, you know what i
mean? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
i have got to find my meds,see you on the flip side.10-4?

10-27-2003, 01:17 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
gee whiz, your command of our spoken language
is to say the least amazing, you must be well traveled here in my home state. stop in next time and we shall have possum and grits;never ate
possum?,tastes like chicken.
well gag me with a spoon, one of my other personallies must have come out for a minute
there. like totally fer sure, you know what i
mean? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
i have got to find my meds,see you on the flip side.10-4? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh reeeeallllly tarsus? Iz u shore? I B thankin' ya proper. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif Iz got to flip sides...lefty and righty! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif And ya amembered my birthday...good buddy! U'z my kinda people. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Iz never stepped foot inside Ken-tucky, butt Iz alwayz wanted to run Bare-footed threw some bluegrass! Weeeeeeeee-Doggies! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

shãybare

10-27-2003, 03:13 PM

I have to take more meds. Iunnerstud eveernthang HW sed.

Jochanaan

10-27-2003, 08:29 PM

Oooooooooops! Sorry, hw! I really meant to post something witty on your birthday, but instead I was like the guy who thought he was a wit but was only 1/2 right! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Does the thought count?

Anyway, happy birthday. Here's hoping you dilate! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif That's so we won't have to Barrymore.

10-27-2003, 09:26 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Oooooooooops! Sorry, hw! I really meant to post something witty on your birthday, but instead I was like the guy who thought he was a wit but was only 1/2 right! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
Does the thought count?
Anyway, happy birthday. Here's hoping you dilate! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif That's so we won't have to Barrymore. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Joke buddy, but the Birthday wishes are on another thread...or lack there of. You posted Off Topic, so you are right on topic. Besides at my age I have started on the backwards count...right now I am at T-minus ten, nine, eight..... times 5, plus 7....or in dog years....I'm toast. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

And now for something really off the wall...do my eyes decieve me, or did Stu change his avatar? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If that is his picture...he looks much too young to have children of college age. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

gamblefish

10-28-2003, 02:07 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
And now for something really off the wall...do my eyes decieve me, or did Stu change his avatar? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If that is his picture...he looks much too young to have children of college age. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think Stu is not who he says he is...you be the judge!!

http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/harry-potter.jpg http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/stu.jpg

Naturist Mark

10-28-2003, 02:18 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
And now for something really off the wall...do my eyes decieve me, or did Stu change his avatar? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If that is his picture...he looks much too young to have children of college age. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm sure Stu has retained is youthful good looks by assiduously avoiding the damaging rays of the sun.

Or perhaps he is related to Dick Clark?

-Mark

tarsus

10-30-2003, 03:28 AM

maybe stu goes by another name.
dorian gray ???

Jochanaan

10-31-2003, 10:34 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Thanks Joke buddy, but the Birthday wishes are on another thread...or lack there of. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Which one? Apart from the one I'm not wearing. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> Besides at my age I have started on the backwards count...right now I am at T-minus ten, nine, eight..... times 5, plus 7....or in dog years....I'm toast. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>When did you start counting back? Or is that classified information?

BTW, I love toast! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Sol-Searcher

10-31-2003, 11:35 AM

HW as I get older I try to find humor in it, I hope this helps and you never get to this stage.

OLDER MOMENTS

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a beer."

SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home
and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after
a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she
seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all
morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and
says, "Close enough."
SENILE (Pat, Donna, & Jeanie)
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She
yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up
and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

DOWN AT THE NURSING HOME
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and
finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Your friend,
Randy

PS Happy Birthday

10-31-2003, 12:08 PM

Thanks Randy...those are just great! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I don't think I'm quite ready for the OFH yet. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Joke the birthday Thread is called My Day. So would you like some Super... er soup with your Toast?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-01-2003, 08:11 PM

Motorcity Nude and Gamblefish...please Voice your concern for The Voices here. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol
I believe Glenda Jackson is another sister of Michael and Janet! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Maybe not...the voices are confusing all of us lately.
Fish buddy... you like Ted Nugent? Didn't he sing a song called "Cat Scratch Fever"? I thought you hated cats...hmmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Now here's a little something for all of my bearded friends! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
It is an old joke, but the music makes it worth repeating!
Turn up the sound, and enjoy!
You might have to cut and paste the url...
www.karaszewski.us/outhouse.html (http://www.karaszewski.us/outhouse.html)

missouriboy

11-02-2003, 07:19 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
the music makes it worth repeating!
Turn up the sound, and enjoy!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The music's great! I just wish it was in stereo. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

11-02-2003, 02:47 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
The music's great! I just wish it was in stereo. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy I'm sorry if you can't get it in stereo. And speaking of great music, do you play the piano? I think you have to be able to read "Sheet" Music in order to play well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jochanaan

11-02-2003, 02:55 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
...I think you have to be able to read "Sheet" Music in order to play well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not necessarily, but it helps to have your sheet together.

Jochanaan

11-02-2003, 02:56 PM

Hey! Nine more posts and I'll be over 500!

11-02-2003, 05:34 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Hey! Nine more posts and I'll be over 500! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Joke-anaan you don't look a day over 499! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
I'll PM you about the "Sheet" music reference. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

11-03-2003, 01:12 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
I'll PM you about the "Sheet" music reference. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Me too??? (Oh, never mind. I remember!)

Old school-days friend-a-mine would suggest to the girls, "I bet we could make great sheet-music together!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-05-2003, 12:02 PM

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.

A woman's prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

barelybob

11-06-2003, 01:13 AM

I once had a deaf mute nymphomaniac girlfriend. She didn't have big boobs or own a liquor store, but she about wore me out for good.

It was hard to tell her that I had to go to work in a couple of hours with the lights out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-06-2003, 07:01 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by barelybob:
It was hard to tell her that I had to go to work in a couple of hours with the lights out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not a lip reader huh? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Well here's something you might enjoy:

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

This is a nice story. It will really pull at your heart strings.
It's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little girl and some construction workers that
makes you believe that there is still hope for the younger
generation...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building
a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going
on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
more or less gems-in-the-rough, adopted her as a kind
of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl
took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly
replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the
house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home
Depot ever deliver the f***ing sheet rock ..." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

barelybob

11-07-2003, 01:49 AM

Ain't kids just wonderful? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-07-2003, 12:47 PM

Hw..Loved your schucking feet rock story....Odb /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jochanaan

11-17-2003, 03:03 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by barelybob:
...It was hard to tell her that I had to go to work in a couple of hours with the lights out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What kind of a job do you have, that you work with the lights out?

11-17-2003, 07:07 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What kind of a job do you have, that you work with the lights out?

Here in CA we call them electric company employees! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-26-2003, 09:01 PM

This is for all my joking buddies! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a
farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet,"
said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until
he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a
pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl
of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow,
so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at
his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or
should I?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-27-2003, 02:19 AM

Oh! HW, naughty, naughty, but still funny anyway!

11-27-2003, 07:10 PM

AN AMAZING CONCLUSION: Size Really Does Matter

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Just one more link for all my buddies who like to laugh.
http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/toosexygranny.cfm

11-27-2003, 08:34 PM

Well, HW, now we know how to tell how successful men are. It may not tell us the exact job they have, but it will tell us how high up the job is! Gee, I wonder what that says about the President?

Naturist Mark

11-28-2003, 05:43 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Gee, I wonder what that says about the President? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No one plays with a bigger ball than a President...

http://www.solstation.com/images/earth2.jpg

Baron Lake

11-28-2003, 10:59 AM

naturistmark,
dubbya sure seems to think it's his.

11-28-2003, 06:46 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Well, HW, now we know how to tell how successful men are.Gee, I wonder what that says about the President? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Marbles, or loss there of? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif Hmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-28-2003, 11:37 PM

I saw a video once where a group of boys were in the shower at the school (back when they actually did that). The boys were joking, and one boy said to another boy who was apparently well endowed, "It looks like your momma didn't give you any toys to play with as a baby." If that really worked, I should be WELL endowed! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

11-29-2003, 02:03 PM

The Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress,
walked into a bar. She
raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy
armpit as she pointed to all
the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What
man here will buy a lady a
drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to
ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his
hand down on the counter
and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink
and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady
a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his
money down on the bar and
"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and
said, "I say, old chap, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep
calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her
leg that high has to be a
ballerina!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

R.M.GREENMAN2

11-29-2003, 06:48 PM

lol. That was siiiick!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Must wash eyes!!!!

Bad! Funny, but bad!

That was a 10 on the "EWWWW" chart! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

11-29-2003, 07:38 PM

Two Auburn Engineering students were asked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and couldn't get to the top.

An asute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure it while it lay on the ground.

The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out, "We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot!"

--------------------

Q: What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
A: The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.

Two Auburn students are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird."

The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"

Q: What's a seven course meal at Auburn?
A: A possum and a six-pack.

shãybare

11-30-2003, 07:53 AM

An Alabama farmer bought a new mule. Well the new mules ears were longer than the old mules and every time the farmer led the mule into the barn, one of the mules ears would drag against a nail that was sticking out the top of the barn door opening, thus causing the mule to throw a bucking fit. One day the farmer had had enough and went about to correct the problem. It so happened that Jon-Marc was out touring the country that day and saw this farmer jacking up the front of his barn. This caught Jon-Marcs interest, so he stopped to see what was going on. When he asked the farmer why he was jacking the front of his barn up, the farmer told Jon-Marc about his mules ears. Jon-Marc then asked the farmer why, instead of jacking the barn up, don't you just take a shovel and dig out the floor of the doorway. With a look of disgust on his face, the farmer said, " Didn't you hear me? I said it was the mules ears that was too long, not his legs.".

11-30-2003, 10:43 AM

Oooooohhhh!!! Jon-Marc... Are you going to let Shaybare get away with that?....Personally I would SIMPLY tie the mules ears down /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ODB

Naturist Mark

11-30-2003, 12:17 PM

Here's a jump-start to Jon-Marc's Alaska stories:

Firemarshal demands halt to Alaska Ice Hotel construction (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20031130/ap_on_re_us/ice_hotel_1)

-Mark

11-30-2003, 12:31 PM

That sounds like one chilly way to spend a vacation.

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

You know you're in Alaska when...

...you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

...the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

...the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo--it's sausage making.

...you find -60c a might chilly.

...the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

...shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

...you know the four seasons, Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

That last one sounds a lot like Michigan.

--------------------

Shaybare was driving down a country road when he spoted a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and noticed that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

Shaybare got out of the car, walked all the way out to the farmer and asked, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replied, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asked Shaybare, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

12-02-2003, 05:50 AM

Retirement

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
This is the new retirement program, It's called the 401-Keg program. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Hmmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-02-2003, 07:46 AM

You know you're in Alaska when...

...you think that 32 degrees F (freezing) is warm enough to wash your car.

...you have to put your sun visor down at 3 AM.

...your kids think you have to get on a plane to go on vacation.

..you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

...you have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

...you have ten favorite recipes for moose meat.

...you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

...driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

...you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

...you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

...the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. (Do they actually HAVE mosquitos in Alaska?)

...your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

...you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

...you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

tarsus

12-02-2003, 08:33 AM

i coming to california /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif if i can get 10 cents a can i have enough to pay for gas once i get there. we do not have a "bottle law" in ky.

jon-marc yes they have mosquitos in alaska, they swarm by the millions,they can be found at the
arctic circle where they can be in such number that they cause caribou to stampeed[sp}.
they cause more deaths then anything else in the animal/insect world.
this concludes todays lesson, please tune in tomorrow same nude channel, same nude time /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
remember i am a nature photographer,i am supposed to know these things /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif and i could not resist.
we now return you to the orginally scheduled programing.

12-02-2003, 09:01 AM

Yes Jon-Marc there are mosquitoes in Alaska but they are much bigger than the ones we have here in the lower 48. They are about the size of carrier pigeons. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
tarsus, you show me a place in CA where you can buy gas for 10 cents and I'll show you "The Statue of Liberty" in Kentucky! lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
(The lowest price I have found for the gas the last month or so is $1.65 a gallon.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

tarsus

12-02-2003, 10:25 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Yes Jon-Marc there are mosquitoes in Alaska but they are much bigger than the ones we have here in the lower 48. They are about the size of carrier pigeons. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
tarsus, you show me a place in CA where you can buy gas for 10 cents and I'll show you "The Statue of Liberty" in Kentucky! lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
(The lowest price I have found for the gas the last month or so is $1.65 a gallon.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>sorry h.w. i mean i will stomp enough cans to pay for gas.@1.65 i need 16.5 cans per gal.@25 miles per gal.thats 66 cans per 100 miles thats 1980 cans h*ll i am my way! or one of us has licked too many toads and i don't like toad /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-02-2003, 02:12 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
sorry h.w. i mean i will stomp enough cans to pay for gas.@1.65 i need 16.5 cans per gal.@25 miles per gal.thats 66 cans per 100 miles thats 1980 cans h*ll i am my way! or one of us has licked too many toads and i don't like toad /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus...you have much to learn grasshopper. In CA you are paid by the pound for cans...so you would need 16.5 lbs. of cans to pay for 1 gallon of gas! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif That's a lot of stomping! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif So kiss a frog, lick a toad if you must...there are no Princes here, only fairy-tails. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Sorry Jon-Marc...got a little ahead of you in the States.

12-02-2003, 03:51 PM

Alaska's More Important Laws...

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

------------------

Dumb Arizona Laws...

Hunting camels is prohibited.

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.

There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

tarsus

12-02-2003, 04:41 PM

blasted confounded woman,i quit! mushrooms!!!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

12-03-2003, 10:36 PM

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as
the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,
he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had
jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee
and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the
elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like
to put this tree fat man?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-03-2003, 10:52 PM

Oh My! I cant believe Santa has those kinda days too.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb

12-03-2003, 11:27 PM

Dumb Arizona Laws--

Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

No more than six girls may live in any house.

It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

No one is allowed to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. (My question is--how can it be visible if it's missing?)

missouriboy

12-04-2003, 06:08 AM

So, if a teenager is fortunate enough to have never lost teeth, their 18th birthday present must be a bash in the mouth with a club or bat?

Or, if it's meant to be more humane, is it a "guaranteed employment for dentists" act? You know, like half or more of the laws coming from Washington, District of Criminals, could be named "The Full Employment for Lawyers Act."

Jochanaan

12-04-2003, 01:51 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Dumb Arizona Laws--

Cars may not be driven in reverse. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So how do you get out of a parking space?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>"Uncle Geronimo's Cabin!"
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

No more than six girls may live in any house.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Does that also apply to polygamous Mormons?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So, if I want to smoke within 15 feet of a public place (however they define that), I have to go to the courthouse and get a booze license?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And how is this enforced? Sounds like public nudity to me! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Might easily lead to more public nudity on some men!

My cousin used to tell the story about how her father, who usually wore suspenders because he had no waistline, had to wear a suit without them during her wedding. During the reception, his pants suddenly fell! Fortunately my cousin and a bridesmaid moved quickly in front of him, and the bride's voluminous skirts provided coverage till he could pull himself together.

Now if this had been a nude wedding... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
No one is allowed to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wonder if that applies to motor vehicles now?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. (My question is--how can it be visible if it's missing?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I expect there are similar laws still on the books everywhere.

12-04-2003, 03:45 PM

You know you're in Arizona when...

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 AM before work.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

12-07-2003, 05:17 PM

Geez... I go away for a couple of days and no one posts. What's up with that? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif I thought Jon-Marc would be in CA by now. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Well here's one for all my buddies, but please don't try this at home! It could be hazardous to your health, not to mention your sex life! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minute later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see , it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

12-07-2003, 07:14 PM

That was great, hw! You and I are the main ones to post here. Well, someone does comment on what we've posted sometimes, but I always wait for some kind of reply before I post anything else. If no one says anything, I assume they aren't too interested, and there's no need to post more.

Arkansas Dumb Laws:

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. (Have they informed the river of that?)

Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw". (Why isn't it spelled that way?)

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

A man ca legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. (Try and tell that to the dogs!)

OK, hw, California is next.

Naturist Mark

12-07-2003, 07:41 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
California is next. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What? Skipping right past the B's?

Oh,

nevermind ...

12-07-2003, 10:14 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by naturistmark1:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
California is next. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What? Skipping right past the B's?
Oh, nevermind ... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Go ahead Mark...tell us some of the B's you had in mind! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

All right J-M, now your talking! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

barelybob

12-08-2003, 01:20 AM

My grandfather, being from Kansas, pronounced Arkansas just like it is spelled. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-08-2003, 02:59 AM

[/qb][/QUOTE]What? Skipping right past the B's?

Oh,

nevermind ... [/QB][/QUOTE]

Mark, What state starts with a B?

Dumb California Laws:

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. (I'd like to see how they enforce THAT law!)

Bathhouses are against the law.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (I wonder how many whales roam the land in California?)

Women may not drive in a house coat. (It would be more fun to drive nude.)

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. (Do they have very many driverless vehicles in California?)

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere: City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlinggame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel: Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

TXK NUDE

12-08-2003, 03:41 AM

Jon-Marc, did you forget that Alaska is a state? Or did Alaska not have any stupid laws to mention?

Also, when you get to the "N's" don't forget that there really IS a NEW Mexico! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

12-08-2003, 05:19 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Dumb California Laws:

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. (Do they have very many driverless vehicles in California?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not a dumb law, just dumbly worded. No, there probably aren't many such vehicles, but the speed limit refers to whether there's someone at the wheel in a vehicle being TOWED by another.

12-08-2003, 06:01 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Dumb California Laws:
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

(Really? Who can we sue during the foggy season?)

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (I wonder how many whales roam the land in California?)

(You'd be surprised.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. (Do they have very many driverless vehicles in California?)

(That's for the ones who don't understand cruise control)

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

(Darn! Well nudeM, there goes your Christmas present idea.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

(Why the long face Moboy?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Carmel: Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>(That's it! I'm moving to Carmel) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

shãybare

12-08-2003, 06:21 AM

If more women wore high-heels, more men would follow them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

12-08-2003, 10:36 AM

TXK Nude, Check page 7.

Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 find.

Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street.

Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than a thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc: It is illegal to possess, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

It is illegal to curse on a miniature golf course.

Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand

Toads may not be licked.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison. (They must have a lot of dogs in prison in Los Angeles.)

Zoot suits are prohibited.

tarsus

12-08-2003, 11:28 AM

see h.w. i told you one of us had licked too many toads awhile back! the toad police are at your door!
jon-marc,i think that hollywood sheep law dates back to the 1950's and a glen ford [right first name?] western that used a lot of sheep.
jon-marc i am not sure of course if you even read my posts,but if you do-- i am waiting on "k". and i thought i was a master of bullsh*t,but i can see i must pass the crown,wear it with pride,i have /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
waving farewell to my fans,i gracefully exit?!?
like h*ll you will have to drag me kicking screaming and biting very step of the way!!!

12-08-2003, 12:53 PM

Tarsus,

I guess if I want to get through all 50 states before the end of next year, I'd better post more. It will be a while before I get to K.

More Dumb California Laws:

Ontario: (When did they move Ontario from Canada to CA?)
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.

Riverdale: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco: Elephants are prohibited from walking down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than 6 feet high on a street corner.

San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs.

Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

BunzFan

12-08-2003, 02:13 PM

Hey, I like that law against the "Silly String"!!
If you ever had to clean up much of it, you would
probably agree! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
And the toad-licking thing. Who was it that first
discovered toad licking, anyway -- and what could
have possessed them to try it? Always wondered if the toads get anything out of it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

12-08-2003, 06:45 PM

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas cannisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

------------------

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

-------------------

Dumb Colorado Laws:

*Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
*It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food, or for grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
*No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
*It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. (Under the influence of WHAT?
*Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

Colorado Springs: It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun withing city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

12-08-2003, 07:18 PM

Hey all for something really strange check out this link! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

MAGIC

Can you figure this one out?
David Coppefield

(if you can't get to the link by clicking on his name... type in www.zorstec.net/COPPERFIELD.HTM) (http://www.zorstec.net/COPPERFIELD.HTM)) It's very bizzzaaarrreee!

12-08-2003, 08:07 PM

I clicked on the URL and got a message that said "The page cannot be found".

Jochanaan

12-08-2003, 08:24 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Dumb Colorado Laws:

*Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
*It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food, or for grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Any of you ever try that stuff? The only thing it affects is your bladder.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> *No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Maybe they repealed the bit about election days, but you still can't get into a liquor store on Sundays. As a Sabbathkeeper who enjoys a glass on occasion, I think that law is doubly silly.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> *Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wonder what the mattress companies think of that, when they include those tags that shout "UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG NOT TO BE REMOVED" and then say in fine print, "except by the consumer."
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> Colorado Springs: It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun withing city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yep, the Springs is a bastion of Second Amendment supporters and blue laws.

You have good sources, Jon-Marc. I've lived in Colorado for two decades, and I didn't know a lot of that stuff!

We did recently pass one law that's not so silly (sorry for slipping a serious issue into the fun stuff): we legalized marijuana for terminally ill patients. Too bad the Feds blocked us from enforcing that one.

12-09-2003, 07:11 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
see h.w. i told you one of us had licked too many toads awhile back! the toad police are at your door!

What do you mean...I never licked any toads! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

jon-marc,i think that hollywood sheep law dates back to the 1950's and a glen ford [right first name?] western that used a lot of sheep.

Hmmmmm...wonder what they used the sheep for? Do sheep who have trouble sleeping count humans? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

jon-marc i am not sure of course if you even read my posts,but if you do-- i am waiting on "k". and i thought i was a master of bullsh*t,but i can see i must pass the crown,wear it with pride,i have /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
waving farewell to my fans,i gracefully exit?!?
like h*ll you will have to drag me kicking screaming and biting very step of the way!!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I am so glad you are not leaving us tarsus. A day without ewe is like a day without SUNshine. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-09-2003, 08:13 PM

Dumb Colorado Laws:

Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

It is unlawful to lend you vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

It is illegal to go in public in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.

Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman when she is asleep.

Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.

Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

12-09-2003, 08:45 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Dumb Colorado Laws:

Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

They must have some really smart dogs there. lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

Awwww...Rats! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

It is illegal to go in public in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.

Cross dressers beware! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>In one of my former 9 lives as a cat, I was never fitted with a tail light. OUCH! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-09-2003, 10:39 PM

Dumb Connecticut Laws:
*You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
*In order for a pickle to be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
*It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
*You cannot buy any alcohol after 8 PM or on Sundays.
*The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)
*No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.

Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.

Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands
*You may not educate dogs.
*It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25 MPH, even when going to a fire.

Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

TXK NUDE

12-10-2003, 03:28 AM

I can attest to the Connecticut laws! I lived there for several years while in the Navy. I really detested the no liqour after 8pm law, too. We had to drive fifteen minutes ACROSS state to Rhode Island to get our beer! Bummer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

missouriboy

12-10-2003, 04:15 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Dumb Connecticut Laws:
*No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.

New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25 MPH, even when going to a fire.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What's dumb about the white cane? I thought they were meant to identify a blind person, so those in his vicinity would be extra mindful of his safety.

Maybe Tennessee has a fire truck speed law too? HAHA! I was on I-24 west of Nashville once when traffic was backed up and going about 60 in the passing lane. So I joined the right-lane folks to pass them, and lo and behold, there was a fire truck, sirens wailing and wheels a-bouncing, hell-bent for leather racing to a fire. Of course, the heavy truck couldn't make 70MPH on a bet, but it was still hogging the PASSING lane at 55-60. Now, that's DUMB!!!

(Of course, there are any number of OTHER idiots who drive that way, too. Sigh.)

12-10-2003, 09:13 AM

I thought the white cane law was unnecessary. The white cane is for the purpose of identifying the blind, although I would think they would be rather obvious. However, what if a person had a regular cane that was white and not the thin blind-man's cane?

Delaware: It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and water.

Lewe's: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
* Getting married on a dare is grounds for annulment.

---------------------

Florida:
*Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
*A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday, or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
*It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
*Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
*Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Not to mention painful! Ouch!)
*It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
*You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursdays.
*It is considered an offense to shower naked.(Stu would like that law.)
*You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
*You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

Some of the laws of different states are more funny than dumb. I got a kick out of the "Men in strapless gowns" law.

shãybare

12-10-2003, 10:39 AM

Jon-Marc, if a you're driving down a street and a person starts out in the crosswalk and he doesn't have a white cane, How will you know if you should stop and let him pass because he is blind or go ahead and run over the dumb sighted SOB for trying to beat the traffic?

12-10-2003, 11:45 AM

Shaybare,

If someone steps out in front of my car, I will try to avoid running over him whether he's blind or not, or are we only supposed to stop for the blind? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Big Pine Key, FL: It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail. (That's if he's still alive after the deer stomps him).

Cape Coral: It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.

Daytona Beach:
The molestation of trash cans is banned.

Pensacola:
*Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least $10 on their person. (I would be in trouble since I rarely carry any money."
*It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street. Fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
*A woman can be fined, only after death, for being electrocuted in a bathtub because of using self-beatification utensils. (How do they plan on collecting the fine--from her survivors?)

Sanford: Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.

Sarasota:
* If you hit a pedestrian, you will be fined $78.00. (People aren't worth much are they?)
*You may not catch crabs. (Which kind are they talking about? This reminds me: We had a veteran come into the VA Medical Center on a Sunday, and it wasn't discovered until Tuesday that he had crabs.)

Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6 PM.

Now to end on this note:

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

barelybob

12-10-2003, 02:54 PM

The one about running into people/animals. My stepdaughter totaled my 1963 Ranchero friday night. She claims that she had to swerve to miss a deer. This a very rural community. The general rule is that you run over it, rather than swerve, because the damage is less severe.

Yes, usually hitting the deer costs less than driving into a three foot stump.

Since she abandoned the vehicle, it cost me over $400 to have it towed 3 miles. It spent one night in impound. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Naturist Mark

12-10-2003, 03:06 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Hey all for something really strange check out this link! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

MAGIC (http://www.zorstec.net/COPPERFIELD.HTM)

Can you figure this one out?
David Coppefield
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I fixed the link above.

Wow ... that is incredible. I did the 'illusion' 6 times in a row, picking differently. It worked every time. Spooky

-Mark

florida-david

12-10-2003, 03:12 PM

wow, that was spooky, how did that one work?? he guessed mine also!!

12-10-2003, 03:18 PM

Weird! I did it four times, and each time "he" was right!

TXK NUDE

12-10-2003, 03:36 PM

As an amatuer magician, I can tell you that its all a matter of mathematics and power of suggestion. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif But I won't tell you any more than that! LOL

12-10-2003, 06:22 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by naturistmark1:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Hey all for something really strange check out this link! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

MAGIC (http://www.zorstec.net/COPPERFIELD.HTM)

Can you figure this one out?
David Coppefield
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I fixed the link above.

Wow ... that is incredible. I did the 'illusion' 6 times in a row, picking differently. It worked every time. Spooky

-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Mark...you da man!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-10-2003, 07:15 PM

Georgia Dumb Laws:

*It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
*Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.

Acworth: All citizens must own a rake.

Atlanta:
*Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
*One man may not be on another man's back.

Columbus:
*You can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
*It is illegal to carry a chicken by its feet down Broadway on Sunday.

Jonesboro: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy."

Kennesaw: Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.

Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

St Mary's: No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

Quitman: It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. (Well, now we know why the chicken did it--because it was told it couldn't. The chicken must have been a teenager.)
*Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.

missouriboy

12-11-2003, 02:18 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by TXK NUDE:
As an amatuer magician, I can tell you that its all a matter of mathematics and power of suggestion. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif But I won't tell you any more than that! LOL <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>HMMMMMMMMM!! I figured it out on the second try, but I never noticed any connection to mathematics.

tarsus

12-11-2003, 05:19 AM

some quick comments/
now i know why i was throwed out of san fran. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
who started licking toads first? ask h.w. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
this is why i love oakland,ca. the police are the only riot!
yes i have drank 3.2 beer yuk! at one time it was all you could buy on sunday in ohio.
and try ky. home of bourbon, of 120 counties in state 80 are "dry"[also birthplace of carrie nation}temperance leader].
h.w. my indian name is "son of she dog" given to me by my first wife.
oh that sheep law: i forget the name of that movie but it was a classic sheepman vs.cattleman movie.good movie if you like westerns.

12-11-2003, 07:52 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by tarsus:
some quick comments/
who started licking toads first? ask h.w. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

h.w. my indian name is "son of she dog" given to me by my first wife. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>tarsus, I don't know who was the first to lick toads...it sure as heck wasn't me. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Nice name your first wife gave you... How does that translate to say....turkey talk? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

NoodJuggler

12-11-2003, 08:40 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by naturistmark1:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Hey all for something really strange check out this link! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

MAGIC (http://www.zorstec.net/COPPERFIELD.HTM)

Can you figure this one out?
David Coppefield
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I fixed the link above.

Wow ... that is incredible. I did the 'illusion' 6 times in a row, picking differently. It worked every time. Spooky

-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks Mark...you da man!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hi hw..I know how it is done...if you want I will post the answer..Not.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif It took 3 times before I did it. Just a slow learner I guess or is David Copperfield that smart? or is it as TXK Nude suggested? Cheers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

tarsus

12-11-2003, 09:03 AM

h.w. a lot of gobbleing went on is all i can say.
but we never talked turkey,we were too busy trying to make the other eat crow.
the worse part of divorce is if you have childern
you can never really get rid of one another,so the gobbleing goes on.now about those froglegs---

tarsus

12-11-2003, 09:16 AM

just tryed that trick,no idea how it works!
tryed not looking at card second time so it took first card twice!! thought cursor might hold key that did not work.maybe this holds the key to how my money disappears.

12-11-2003, 10:59 AM

Hawaii Dumb Laws:
*All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
* Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird.

--------------------

Idaho Dumb Laws:
*It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than 50 pounds.
*You may not fish on a camel's back.
Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

Boise: Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.

Pocatello:
*A law in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."
*A person may not be seen in public without a smile.

Jochanaan

12-11-2003, 11:05 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
It is illegal to go in public in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmmm...Would nudity be considered unbecoming? At least you can't say it's unbecoming clothes! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman when she is asleep. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And just how are they going to enforce that law? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I suppose they collect a posse and run the poor flower out of town. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

12-12-2003, 03:58 PM

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my
bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you ! stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-12-2003, 06:42 PM

Great story HW... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ...Do you think the repairman remembered to leave his bill?... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ..Odb

12-12-2003, 07:27 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Great story HW... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ...Do you think the repairman remembered to leave his bill?... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif ..Odb <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Odie he probably left more than the bill...he probably left some Soap and skidmarks all the way home! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif After all, he was a Classic kind of guy! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

12-12-2003, 09:18 PM

Dumb Illinois Laws:
*You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.
*You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile. (It didn't say which city.)
*The English language is not to be spoken. (What language DO they speak in Illinois?"

Chicago:
*Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
*It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
*Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
*In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
*It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under 17 years of age and have permits.

Champaign: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

Crete: Cars may not be driven through the town.

Des Plaines: Wheelbarrels with For Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

Eureka: A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

Evanston:
* Bowling is forbidden.
*It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
*It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

Freeport: It is illegal to expectorate (spit) from any second-story window.

Galesburg: There is $1,000 fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

My browser is screwed up, and I can't get into the joke Web site, so when I finish Illinois that will be it until I can get my browser working again. It takes money which I haven't got. I would buy a new computer if I could.

Naturist Mark

12-13-2003, 05:30 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
My browser is screwed up, and I can't get into the joke Web site, so when I finish Illinois that will be it until I can get my browser working again. It takes money which I haven't got. I would buy a new computer if I could. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Usually when a browser starts messing up it is because the Tempory Internet Files cache has grown too full. The browser often works much better after clearing the cache.

Just right click on the browser icon, pick 'Properties', then in the middle of the window that opens you will find the Temporary Internet Files section. The middle button in that section says Delete Files.... Go ahead and click that button. Wait a while, it may take a long time to clear all the temporary files, and it may appear that the program has frozen. Once done you may want to turn the computer off and then on again.

Usually this results in much better browser performance.

-Mark

12-13-2003, 12:28 PM

Mark,

Pardon my ignorance and lack of computer knowledge, but what does a browser icon LOOK like? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Naturist Mark

12-13-2003, 01:49 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Pardon my ignorance and lack of computer knowledge, but what does a browser icon LOOK like? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Like this: http://www.origins.tv/htmlataglance/art/i/msie.gif

If you don't see it on your desktop, you can also just go to your START button, and then choose Programs / Internet Explorer

Yet another way is to go to Control Panel / Internet Options.

-Mark

12-13-2003, 03:28 PM

OK Mark, I did what you suggested and deleted the files, but it did no good. There must be something else causing the problem. I keep getting an error that says that the browser will close when I click on URL'S, news stories, and other things. It's getting very frustrating.

12-18-2003, 06:14 PM

Jon-Marc it looks like you have managed to tame the wild beast we call the computer. lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Really enjoyed your puns! Here's a few I thought you might enjoy... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Mistranslation

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"English well talking."
"Here speeching American."

Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul:
"Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn **** to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Chinese Mistranslation :
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth".

When translated into Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".

In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service".
Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs".

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists".

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life".

French Mistranslation :
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts". In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

Italian Mistranslation :
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Instructions on a packet of convenience food from Italy: "Besmear a backing pan, previously buttered with a good tomato sauce, and, after, dispose the cannelloni, lightly distanced between them in a only couch."
.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

12-18-2003, 10:14 PM

HW,

Those were really good! This first one actually happened:

The DJ on a country music radio station introduced the next song by Conway Twitty, but his tongue got caught in front of his eye teeth, and he couldn't see what he was saying and pronounced the last name without the "w".

-------------

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why you might live forever. You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The man responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The man said, "Well, he's 82 and still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The man responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me that your grandfather is still alive? Is your grandfather still active?"

The man said, "He goes skiing at least once every season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106-years-old, and next week he's getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106, why on earth would he want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he WANTED to get married?"

missouriboy

12-19-2003, 01:50 AM

For an exercise, the professor in a Russian language class divided everyone into two groups. The first was to choose a common English phrase, translate it to Russian, then the second group would translate the Russian back to English. In one example, "out of sight, out of mind" came back as "blind, insane."

Who says translation is easy? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

12-19-2003, 01:11 PM

Here's a good example from my boy scout days of how gossip and rumor get distorted and changed. I
can't remember the words, but that's not all that important.

We all sat in a circle. The scout master whispered something in one boy's ear, and it was in turn whispered to each boy going around the circle. When it got to the last boy, he told us what he had heard. It had completely changed and been embellished considerably! Each person left something out or added something.

That was the scout master's lesson. Gossip and rumor get changed and embellished way out of proportion. This isn't meant to be funny--just a lesson in being kind to one another.

Now on a less serious note:

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde, of course) picked up the phone, and before she could say anything the other person spoke. The wife listened for a moment and then said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

Curious, the husband asked, "Who was that?"

His wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

12-19-2003, 03:17 PM

Very astute observation Jon-Marc! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Here's a good example from my boy scout days of how gossip and rumor get distorted and changed. I
can't remember the words, but that's not all that important.

We all sat in a circle. The scout master whispered something in one boy's ear, and it was in turn whispered to each boy going around the circle. When it got to the last boy, he told us what he had heard. It had completely changed and been embellished considerably! Each person left something out or added something.

That was the scout master's lesson. Gossip and rumor get changed and embellished way out of proportion. This isn't meant to be funny--just a lesson in being kind to one another.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thank you....

12-20-2003, 07:10 AM

"OH! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for
a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because
both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel
schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a
Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the
hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife a e-mail
back in Minneapolis.
However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent
the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who
had been 'called home to glory' following a heart
attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the
first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From:Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen
that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

12-20-2003, 12:56 PM

HW,

I've read that one before, but it's still funny. Can you imagine getting an e-mail like that?

Below are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the 2 o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska):
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cavern is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

tarsus

12-24-2003, 06:11 PM

heres something i just heard this week.
i have several hispanic friends,as i do not "do" xmas myself this never came up till now.
theres a song sung in spanish thats is supposed to mean "i wish you a merry christmas"
she says the phrase as sung really means "i wish you a bad christmas" has anyone ever heard of that? i think she is having fun with me.
my spanish is not good,still trying to master english.if shes playing a trick everyone is in on it.

tarsus

12-24-2003, 06:31 PM

jon-marc
have you defraged your computer?or run scan disk?
and what provider do you use? aol sometimes needs emptyed a differant way. j-----e is very good at this sort of thing,but she makes stu look like you can't keep clothes on him,these two would be a match,so she's not gonna get on this site.but i can get ideas from her.
or reboot system; do you have a reboot disk?
best idea: i am for real here, find a computer geek close by,they live for this stuff,belive me they love to show what they can do: now if i could just make the money they are or will!

12-24-2003, 07:03 PM

No, Tarsus, I haven't defragged my computer lately. I guess I could try that; it can't hurt. I have no idea what a reboot disk is.

tarsus

12-25-2003, 05:24 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
No, Tarsus, I haven't defragged my computer lately. I guess I could try that; it can't hurt. I have no idea what a reboot disk is. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>jon-marc
this is the first computer i ever owned purchased
in 1999 so by computer standards its very old.
j-----e has the new one,very fast very techy.
thats why i cannot afford new one. it came with an arm load of disks some i never used, and will not work on other computers.take your info [computer brand etc.] to store,and they will tell you what you need.a reboot disk removes all info. from computer and reloads"c" drive,all infromation you put on computer will be lost,you need to tranfer this to a "a" disk. then transfer back onto computer. i do not know if all that is needed of course."c" drive had to be replaced on this thing. has been totally rebuilt.,nothing is orginal except printer[going bad] and speakers[gone bad,not replaced].

Baron Lake

12-25-2003, 06:41 PM

jon-marc,
Your resorting to a "reboot disc" is something to consider as a last option. Tarsus' other suggestion about getting "nerd" help is a good one. Is there a computer club in your town or perhaps at a high school? BTW what operating system are you using?
B.L.

12-25-2003, 08:07 PM

Defragging my computer didn't solve my problem. I'm still getting the error message. I don't personally know any computer nerds, but I can ask around. I will probably end up taking it in to be repaired, although I would rather buy a new one that I can't afford.

I might have at least a part-time job soon. I applied for a job on Tuesday and was called Wednesday for an interview. With over 28 years experience in what I'm applying for, they seem anxious to get me, and I have a very good work record since I take pride in doing a good job. If I can I might work full-time for a while and then go down to part-time. I hate going back to work, but my retirement check doesn't meet my needs, and after 9 months of doing nothing I'm getting bored. I'm also getting fat. I will try to save a little from each paycheck until I have enough to buy another computer. This IBM has been nothing but trouble from the day I bought it, and I won't have another IBM. It's a well-known name, and I assumed it was a good brand. The important thing is that I am able to get into THIS forum. Nothing else really matters. I spend a lot of time here even if I don't post.

barelybob

12-26-2003, 04:36 AM

Jon-Marc

I'm glad to see that you are considering part time work.

I was retired in 1985 for disability. I was able to keep busy most of the time working on cars (my hobby), but when I built my house on my property I didn't have a shop. Everytime I started to think about building a shop, something would come up. I began to get really bored, and took a job driving at the local NAPA store. It wasn't much money wise, but it relieved the boredom. That was 1994 and even though I have built a nice shop since, I still work there part time from 0630 until between 1200 and 1300, depending on when I get back from the other stores. This gives me plenty of sun time during the summer, and helps support my hobby. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

NoodJuggler

12-26-2003, 04:49 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by hw:
Hey all, quick question. Are my voices offending you in any way, shape, or forum? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif If my signature is offensive to some, does that mean we can no longer use the words, crazy, nuts, whack-o, or whack-job?

Would any of you be offended if I used this as my signature? Sarcasm, Just One More Service I Offer! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Hey Trailscout, you may be off the hook now. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Remember this if Off Topic Fun Stuff....so go ahead and have fun! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hi hw..Did you ever think that this thread would go to ten pages or more? Those voices must be working overtime for you and keeping you busy. Hope you had a great holiday. See-Ya..Keithmj /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Oh..I am having lots of fun.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

fred950

12-26-2003, 06:04 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
Defragging my computer didn't solve my problem. I'm still getting the error message. I don't personally know any computer nerds, but I can ask around. I will probably end up taking it in to be repaired, although I would rather buy a new one that I can't afford.
This IBM has been nothing but trouble from the day I bought it, and I won't have another IBM. It's a well-known name, and I assumed it was a good brand. The important thing is that I am able to get into THIS forum. Nothing else really matters. I spend a lot of time here even if I don't post. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jon-Marc, we had a similar problem with our old Gateway. Error code after error code, crashing at the worst times, taking up to five minutes just to boot up etc. Finally we got fed up and chucked the Gateway for an E-machines that was on special. not one problem since. Only after the Gateway was gone I read an article concerning a Class-action lawsuit against Hitachi for providing (allegedly)faultly hard-drives to (among others) Gateway. You might want to look into this.

12-26-2003, 08:10 AM

This last Tuesday I applied for a job. Walmart here is adding a grocery department in their store. Wednesday I was called about an interview. Today I was interviewed and then had to go for a drug test. It looks very promising, and I could be working there very soon. I'm going to work full time at least for a year to get caught up on my bills, and so that I can buy a membership this next year at Turtle Lake Resort. Then I can go there any time I want without having to worry about where to come up with the money. I think I'll buy the 6 month membership. That will cover spring and summer and part of fall. I will be working the graveyard shift if I get the job, and I see no reason why I shouldn't since I have over 28 years experience in the job.

Trailscout

12-26-2003, 01:22 PM

Jon-Marc,

Your computer problems are possibly caused by Internet Explorer not being up to date. Have you run Windows Update lately?

I see that someone asked you to clean up the cookies and such from your browser window. You might take this one step further and go into Disk Cleanup (It is under Programs>Accessories>System Tools on a Windows 98 Computer). Disk cleanup is the remaining tool for users who are not comfortable with riskier procedures.

I have also seen a lot of problems cleared up by format and reload, (it wipes out everything) but that is not something to do without experience and careful backup of the files you need to save.

You may also get some help from a program like Norton WinDoctor, which is part of Norton Utilities.

If this new job works out for you, maybe you should take some of your paycheck and have a computer technician straighten out this mess.

I am glad to hear that you have a good prospect of a job once again. Being able to go to Turtle Lake anytime you get the notion will be a nice reward for your extra effort.