Stuff to make you go HMMMMM

[EricNY]

I found this quite interesting.

Do you think gasoline is expensive?

The following will make one think, and put things in perspective:

Diet Snapple 16 oz. $1.29 $l0.32 per gal.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz. $1.19 9.52 per gal.

Gatorade 20 oz. $1.59 10.17 per gal.

Ocean Spray 16 oz. $1.25 10.00 per gal.

Brake Fluid 12 oz. $3.15 33.60 per gal.

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz. $8.35 178.13 per gal.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz. $3.85 123.20 per gal.

Whiteout 7 oz. $1.39 25.42 per gal.

Scope 1.5 oz. $0.99 84.48 per gal.

THIS IS THE KICKER!



Evian water 9 oz. for $1.49 . . . $2l.29 per gal. $21.19 FOR WATER!!! . . . AND THE BUYERS
DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SOURCE.

But then again, EVIAN spelled backwards is naive.

So the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or
Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the gas pump.

[EricNY]

I found this quite interesting.

Do you think gasoline is expensive?

The following will make one think, and put things in perspective:

Diet Snapple 16 oz. $1.29 $l0.32 per gal.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz. $1.19 9.52 per gal.

Gatorade 20 oz. $1.59 10.17 per gal.

Ocean Spray 16 oz. $1.25 10.00 per gal.

Brake Fluid 12 oz. $3.15 33.60 per gal.

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz. $8.35 178.13 per gal.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz. $3.85 123.20 per gal.

Whiteout 7 oz. $1.39 25.42 per gal.

Scope 1.5 oz. $0.99 84.48 per gal.

THIS IS THE KICKER!



Evian water 9 oz. for $1.49 . . . $2l.29 per gal. $21.19 FOR WATER!!! . . . AND THE BUYERS
DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SOURCE.

But then again, EVIAN spelled backwards is naive.

So the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or
Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the gas pump.

[AussieBeachBoy]

Maybe I should start drinking petrol when I get indigestion.

[missouriboy]

I knew that bottled water was higher than gasoline. It's a total ripoff.

I can't remember the whole joke, but it's something about the biggest laugh ever heard in a French corporate boardroom... when the CEO exclaimed, "WHAT? Those stupid Americans will pay WHAT for a bottle of WATER?

Of course, now they're laughing all the way to the bank (current boycott notwithstanding).

Thank you, no, I'll just get my "tapwater" from the water tap, not from a $1 plastic bottle.

The water in my home isn't fit to drink. It looks like it came from the sewer and smells like it. I buy bottled water at the store for 29 cents per gallon.

[krcNY]

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student who had not returned her paper. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble
with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help you out.
"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. To touch
2. To taste
3. To see
4. To hear
She hesitated a little and then added
5. To feel
6. To laugh
7. To love

The room was so full of silence, you could have heard a pin drop.

A gentle reminder to all of you that the most precious things are before you: your family, your faith, your love, your good health and above all your friends.

[EricNY]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

hmmmmm?????? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

HAHAHAHAHAH..brail lettering...that is a good one. Why isn't the screen in brail too??

[TXK NUDE]

Here's a real doozy! I recently took my son to McDonalds, and while standing in line, I noticed a sign stating that picture menus were available for non-English speaking, or illiterate patrons. Under the sign was a collection of the aforementioned menus. Under the picture of the sandwich was a bold print of the sandwich's name, followed by a braille version! I think this deserves a DOUBLE hmmmmmm! Number one, if they are non-English speaking, or illiterate, how will they read the notice of a special menu available for them? And if they're blind? Hello!

[barelybob]

I feel it appropriate, in light of the proliferation of "experts" on the TV lately, to leave you with a definition.

Expert: An "ex" is a has-been, and a "spirt" is a drip under pressure. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I think this deserves a DOUBLE hmmmmmm! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>TXK....I think that would be a Mc DOUBLE Mc Hmmmmm

[gamblefish]

Greasy-haired kid behind counter: "Can I help you?"

Blind guy: "Whadaya got?"

Greasy-haired kid behind counter: (points to menu behind him) "Can't you McRead?!"

Blind guy: "Can't you see I'm flippin' McBlind!!!"

[hw]

We have a USER NAMES thread, we have a MEMBER NAMES thread, now how about redundant names?
Two that come to mind are...Rip Torn and Peter O'Toole. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Can any of you think of any others?
Have a nice nude night.
hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[missouriboy]

How 'bout Maddass Insane?

[gamblefish]

Uhhhh, I've been thinkin' 'bout this all day, all I can come up with is "New York, New York"...

Pretty lame, huh!

[TXK NUDE]

Gee, that's redundantly repetative, isn't it? LOL

[gamblefish]

Yes TXK, yes it is...

How 'bout "The Department of Redundancy Department".

[hw]

Stop it you guys....I have tears rolling down my cheeks...both sets!
hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[missouriboy]

Sorry, cannot stop myself...

Is "pompous senator" redundant? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

What about "true facts?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Then there's "$10,000 dollars." /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

You're good Missouriboy.....how about
Hot Pepper? Politically Correct? Honest Lawyers? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Back to the "Hmmmmmmmm" thing...

Why do some people wonder, "If a tree fell in the forest and nobody was there to hear it, would it make a sound?". There are animals that can hear, too, ya know. Did they forget about them, or are they just stupid?

[CalgaryMark]

I'm from the Government and I'm here to help you. . . /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Of course I'll love you in the morning. . . /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

The cheque is in the mail. . . /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hmmmmmm!

[EricNY]

Is it just me, or has any one else noticed that you never see NudeM and HW at the same time?

I wonder does HW really stand for house wife, or is HW what NudeM calls his split personality?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMM....I wonder.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
Is it just me, or has any one else noticed that you never see NudeM and HW at the same time?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It's just you...

[TXK NUDE]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gamblefish:
Back to the "Hmmmmmmmm" thing...

Why do some people wonder, "If a tree fell in the forest and nobody was there to hear it, would it make a sound?". There are animals that can hear, too, ya know. Did they forget about them, or are they just stupid? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The key word there is "body", remember, those ears needed for hearing are usually attached to a "body". The real question is did it really fall, or did it just grow horizontally like that?

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gamblefish:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
Is it just me, or has any one else noticed that you never see NudeM and HW at the same time?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It's just you... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.....or is it?..

[hw]

No, we are not split personalities.....Yes we are...no we're not......yes we are!!!
You make the call! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I.

Oh, shoot! hw you got me posting stuff in the wrong room too!! Or is it shaybare...

[threadbare]

Gamblefish,
Would that be the RUBBER room???? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
With the shirts with the extra long sleeves?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

"They're coming to take me away oh ho ah ha he he" /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gamblefish:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
Is it just me, or has any one else noticed that you never see NudeM and HW at the same time?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It's just you... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.....or is it?.. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wouldn't they need two computers and/or two internet connections? Just musing here...

[hw]

This is for everyone who wants to know: nudeM and I are two separate people..........he tans, I burn........oops wrong thread again. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Now I wonder about me and Gamlefish, or Gamblefish and I or me. Seems like we share the same brain or the voice haunts us equally. Get out of my head gamblefish......just kidding. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Is it just me, or do Bartumus and naturistmark1 look exactly alike? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[gamblefish]

It's just you...why does everyone keep asking that?

Wait a minute, there does seem to be a slight resemblance between the two...I think maybe...no...no. Naturistmark1's stick is definitely bigger.

His walking stick,GEEZ!! Is that all youn's ever think about?

Also, Bart has more of a far-away look in his eyes.

[hw]

Hey gamblefish, I think you're in the right room this time. Make sure you stick to the topic... Things that make you go HMMMMM....no funny stuff!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

Hey, at my age I stick to anything I can...

[hw]

Gamblefish Try a little Pam.....it may help with finger stuck up your nose.....Wrong room again...this should have gone to suggestions...sorry for the hijinx/hijack. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[gamblefish]

I like my finger right where it is, thanks. Believe it or not, I can reach my brain through there...ouch! Too far! AAAAahhhhhhh, that's the spot!!

Maybe I can pull a suggestion out of there for you. Then I can wipe it onto the "Suggestions" board. I'll let you know... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[hw]

Gamblefish since we share a brain for the most part I would apreciate you not picking at it so much....you're just gonna make it sore! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

Sore, schmore. I gotta keep things stirred up in there or it all goes stagnant.

And hey, stay on your own side, would ya!! I'm gonna tell mom. Ok, that's it! Mom!!!!!! Moooooooooooom!!!! hw keeps touching me!! Tell her to quit it or I'm gonna wipe a booger on her!!

[hw]

My signature can't touch this,AW! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Gamblefish you just keep your fingers to themselves. Other people hear the voices cause they keep copying us, Dorothy! Oz better go to bed now, it's almost time for you to get up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Keep smiling< it's makes people wonder what you've been up to! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

Please, Please, tell me more about this "little Pam."

(Don't tell Suntied, though.)

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Please, Please, tell me more about this "little Pam."

(Don't tell Suntied, though.) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I hear she's got a great can...

[hw]

Missouriboy....Pam is my best friend....in the kitchen.....she never lets buns and such get stuck! If you push the right button she'll help you too! Just be careful.....she's been known to spray! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Suntied]

I wonder if "Pam" can get sticks unstuck from buns?

Missuoriboy... you keeping secrets from me? Me of all people! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

Sure Can Suntied! Did you ever have a problem with sticky buns sticking? To unstick a stick from your buns, apply a liberal amount of pam lubercation before inserting stick. If you
"Runs" out of Pam, use WD-40, or exlax. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

The only time Suntied has that problem is when he is sitting in his rig. Back to back runs will do that to you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not obey its command -- a green light is a commandment NOT a suggestion.

When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began with my windows up) screaming epithets and beating on my steering wheel. My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun drawn, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of, "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his.

After about two hours in a holding cell, the arresting officer advised me that I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."

The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, "What a jerk." But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car. Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Choose Life' license tag, and the 'Jesus is coming Soon' bumper sticker, and I thought you must have stolen the car."

[luvnaturism]

This one is true. No joke here. Yesterday I was about to enter a freeway on-ramp when I was passed by a car. The lady who was driving was holding a cell phone to her hear with one hand and gesturing along with her conversation with the other hand. No one was actually steering the car.

[nudeM]

luvnaturism: As you well know, cell phones and drivers just don't mix here in California. I see cell phones all the time, and as you stated, the users are not paying any attention to the surroundings. I know some states have laws about cell phones and cars, but not quite sure about our state. The other day, I was traveling behind someone who was moving at a very slow pace. When I passed her, I noticed she was on the phone and having a good time. I proceeded to give her the gesture (the flying eagle). She just grinned and waved back. /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Wannabe...Good one!...Biting,but good... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

I saw a bumper sticker that may help us all with the cell phone problem....it read.....Do you think you could drive any better with that cell phone shoved up your a**! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif A little common sense with the cell phones, please! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Naturist Mark]

Several times I've seen drivers, moving down the road, with a cell phone in one hand, and a cigarette in the other.

Not to be sexist, but in every case the driver was female.

This suggests a theory... women are noted for superior multitasking skills, whereas men tend to focus on one task to the exclusion of all other stimuli. This is probably an evolutionary thing because women had to watch the kids, maintain the cave, keep the hyenas at bay all at the same time they are convincing the great hunter that he is the center of the universe. Men can't do this.

Men focus their attention on the rump of a gazelle and pursue it relentlessly until it is packaged meat. This same focus explains why anything said to a man during an NFL game goes unnoticed.

Driving is a single tasking environment. A man thing. -As long as traffic keeps moving. For women this is sensory deprivation, thus the need for concurrent activities.

The problem is that Cell Phone conversions may to be too distracting. What women need is supplementary stimulation while driving that is not so challenging that it will distract them from the primary driving task. Thus my proposal- hood mounted Television.

Safety First!

-Mark

[hw]

Good points Mark.....but I don't think the tv mount is a very good idea. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif If I had a tv mounted on my van, nudeM would always want to drive it.....if there was a football game, (or any other sports game),......he'd be stuck in the drive way for hours. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
*************************************************
Now for something really on topic....In two days tomorrow will be yesterday.....try not to think about it.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif and have a good day.

[Suntied]

Actually... tomarrow never comes, because by the time it gets here, it is today.

Hmmmmmm?
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[hw]

Hmmmmm....Suntied, if that is really you, your logic makes perfect sense to me. Did you sneak in and grab a piece of the brain too? Maybe the voices got to you. Anyway, you're right and I'm left, and I think I got off topic again...so this pm...go check your pm's. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

Hey, does killing time damage eternity?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[CalgaryMark]

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a cheesecake, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolates.

I feel much better already. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[fred950]

C-Mark, I know what you mean...almost. I just finished a bottle of Jack Daniel. While I feel much better now I guess I won't find forfillment untill I finish my other projects...the bottle of Yukon Jack, the bottle of Jim Beam Rye, the bottle of Old Overholt, the bottle of George Dickle, the bottle of Ballentines..............

[hw]

That's it! I'm going to Calgary Mark's house! He seems to have some good "food" for thought! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

Go right ahead. Maybe I'll see you on my way to Fred950's house. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

"Still" and all, maybe we should all go to missouriboy's house. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

What, and drink like fish?

[hw]

No fish, I don't think so....What do fish drink, think about it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif It may be yellow in color, but I don't think it's lemonaid..... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

What do fish drink? Why, Mello Yello-tail, of course...and it's yellow!!

BTW, just what finger is that little yellow guy up there waving? I thought this was a family-friendly forum...

[hw]

Fish....you are such a yahoo! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

More real Hmmmm***************************

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy for an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. ( In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockraoch will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home....maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home...What the...!?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...lucky pig...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmm Tastes like BBButtered something.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing...)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed,(pawed). (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

Now, if not one of these facts made you go hmmmm, you could be a redneck-tightwad. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

hw,

I really enjoyed those. I envy the pig but not the praying mantis. I wonder how much the praying mantis enjoys his one and only time?

Here are some bumper stickers:

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever--so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Taxation WITH representaion isn't so hot either.

-----------------

You might be a redneck if your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

You know you're a redneck when at your wedding you toast with Budweiser.

You know you're a redneck if you're part of the KKK, and you can't spell it.

You know you're a redneck if you do all your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

[barelybob]

Now I know how to track down Killer when he is on one of his forays.

I bet pigs don't have tightwads. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[stevenf64]

hw
I thought women had orgasms for 30 minutes too /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif but then again im a guy how would i know /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif by then Im asleep. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[shãybare]

Hey, hw. If I don't get my coffee in the mornings, I would definitely scream 8y-7m-6d to get it and think it worth it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Jon-Marc, the government may be monitoring this forum. Now that you mentioned the praying mantis thing, they will probably start a government study tomorrow, costing tax payers billions of dollars. Thanks alot! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

I still can't stop thinking about that lucky pig! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Glad you enjoyed them Jon-Marc, remember pigs don't have to wear clothes.
Steve.....If that were the case, there would be a lot fewer divorces.... and more smiling women. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Ginge of Oz]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I thought the bonobo (pygmy chimpanzee) also has sex for pleasure. Bonobos enjoy sex so much (and so often!) that they've forgotten all about fighting and killing one another like the other chimps! (HMMMMMMMMM... a lesson for us there?)

"Live long and perspire!" (How Vulcan nudists greet one another in the summertime!)

Centipedes, despite their name, don't have 100 feet. (Don't ask me how many they do have, though!)

The scarab beetle was sacred to the ancient Egyptians because its habit of pushing around balls of dung reminded them of the sun-god, Ra, dragging the sun behind his chariot each day. (How hot is that?)

The women of the Pharoah's court in ancient Egypt all had their pubic hair shaved off completely by specially employed barbers. Many Egyptians also used the first "sugaring" technique to remove their body hair by boiling up honey and applying it to the areas to be "waxed". Crocodile dung was believed to be an effective contraceptive! (No, it didn't need to be first rolled by scarab beetles!)

Methane gas produced by massive numbers of farting cows is a major contributor to Greenhouse Gases in the atmosphere, because the effect of methane is 20 times greater than that of carbon dioxide. (Don't look at me... I fart hydrogen sulphide!)

The bacteria that live in your mouth were given to you by your mother! (Now you know who to blame for halitosis!)

And back to pigs... they are more intelligent than dogs, and more easily trained... oh, and they have longer orgasms!!!

Next time someone calls you a pig, thank them!

Let's all have a good long nude laugh whenever we can... how about a wallow too?

Ginge
(No, I'm not from somewhere over the rainbow... but, then again...)

[hw]

Hey Ginge.... thanks for the info.... I don't think you are "over the rainbow, but perhaps, somewhere "Down Under" the rainbow. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Just a little US humor. But I sure do envy that pig! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I once read that the US government gave a large grant to a man to study the sex life of some insect. Personally, I can't understand why anyone would CARE how an insect has sex. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Jon-Marc....isn't it amazing what our government will do to give someone a job? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif I agree with you about an insects sex life ..... who cares. I would like to know if the pig was studied the same way! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Jon Marc,

If that insect were a bloodthirsty mosquito and they figured out what it would take to disinterest it in sex, would you be willing to pay for a little research?

(It might be cheaper just to keep slappin' and swattin').

If by studying the sex life of an insect that is as useless as a mosquito would enable them to be wiped out, I would be all for it. Or course, there would be some group that would protest vehemently at the "slaughter" of innocent mosquitos. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Trailscout]

Jon Marc,

This reminds me of a Tabasco sauce commercial:
A young man is eating pizza with a liberal dose of hot sauce. He allows a mosquito to bite him, draw a little blood and fly off. One second later, the mosquito explodes in a fireball.

It amused me but then I thought, "the guy still got bit". Who cares if the bug blows up later?"

[fred950]

I wouldn't exactly call the mosquito "useless". After they lay their eggs in a pond or river, fish call the eggs and larvae food.

Seen on a bumper sticker;
P eople
E ating
T asty
A nimals

and Read My Lips,No New Texans

and finally What makes lawyers think somebody dumb enough to do some of the things described on warning labels are going to be smart enough to read the warning labels?

[Trailscout]

Jon Marc,

Only female mosquitos bite. They use it when they are breeding. Male mosquitos suck plant juices and do not drink blood.

Some Christians believe that before sin entered the world that there was no bloodshed in the animal kingdom, no death. If that is true, then mosquitos would have not needed to breed, they would have just sucked plant juice and not blood.

Can you imagine if human females needed to drink blood in order to breed?

Man! Lock your doors at night and close the shutters!

[stevenf64]

jon marc
if you go on the cruise you can plan your wedding


TOP 10 THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN IF MEN PLANNED WEDDINGS



10. Rehearsal dinner kegger! (maybe more than 1)

9. Wedding Theme: gourmet beer from around the world.

8. Invitation states in big letters: bring money not gifts.

7. Invitation reads: Come meet my future ball & chain on Jan. 18,

2002. BYOB

6. A "Bouquet Pool" is set-up on who will catch the bouquet.

5. Vows mention cooking and sex specifically. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

4. Bridesmaids wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

3. Dance Floor Rule: Dance too close with the bride - get punched

in the face.

2. Wide screen TV showing the big game during the reception.

1. Wedding favours consist of 2 for 1 pizza coupons
steve /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Trailscout,

Yes, I knew that about the female mosquito.

Stevenf64,

If it's a nude wedding, there wouldn't be any blue jeans or anything else. I thought a top hat and a bowtie for me would be nice, and a veil for the bride.

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ginge of Oz:
[QB] Egyptians ... Crocodile dung was believed to be an effective contraceptive![QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>True!

In fact, smear your partner with just about any kind of dung, and conception becomes extremely unlikely.

-Mark

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
I wouldn't exactly call the mosquito "useless". After they lay their eggs in a pond or river, fish call the eggs and larvae food. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yecch...what kind of fish are you talkin' to?!?!

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:

Seen on a bumper sticker;
P eople
E ating
T asty
A nimals

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yeah, if we're not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

[hw]

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming
about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you
continue reading.


Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as
part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because
she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you
could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would
be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be
able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was
hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his
answer.


WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car
keys to my old friend,and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

[hw]

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn?t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn?t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st ? January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what?s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say ?hi? to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don?t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it ?Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person? but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?

Hw...Really made me go Hmmmmmmmm alright...Thanks for sharing /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw...Really made me go Hmmmmmmmm alright...Thanks for sharing /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You know what they say don't you? "Laughter is the best medicine". I enjoy sharing...if I make one person laugh or smile everyday, then it is worth my time and effort. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (Dang voices! Here I go getting all serious on a non-serious topic!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hw... I know what you mean about those dang voices....They keep repeating in my head...over and over and over ..." If the Foo s*****..wear it" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw... I know what you mean about those dang voices....They keep repeating in my head...over and over and over ..." If the Foo s*****..wear it" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Odie is that a " Foo-Man-Chew " your avatar is sporting? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw ...how do you sport a chew?...The voices aren't talking to me now...Maybe they'll tell you... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif OdieB

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw ...how do you sport a chew?...The voices aren't talking to me now...Maybe they'll tell you... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif OdieB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>With that beard your are sporting you can catch all the drips from mealtime. In other words, wearing that which has been chewed. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
(We love to tease people with different spellings of words.) The Voice /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Aha......After that foo story....nevermind.... Thanks for the enlightenment.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif OdieB

[Jochanaan]

Originally posted by hw:
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
That is, no one except nudists!
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn?t we now be seeing people from the future?
Why would they want to come back to this time?
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
Because gulls haven't learned to read! (at least, none that I know of)
What happens when you say ?hi? to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
You get abducted by airport security.
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
In the immortal words of Herve' Villechaise: "The plane! The plane!" (This is true. The red balls are much easier to see from low-flying crop dusters.)
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
Some men have never learned to lift them!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
They are if you know Latin. Especially Hg Latin.
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
I don't know, but I'd better stop before I walk into a booby trap.

[hw]

Very good observations Jochanaan! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
-------------------------------------------------
I don't know, but I'd better stop before I walk into a booby trap.

Would a booby trap be a bra? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Very good observations Jochanaan! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
-------------------------------------------------
I don't know, but I'd better stop before I walk into a booby trap.

Would a booby trap be a bra? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If it is, I'm in no danger of walking into it! But then, I haven't kept abreast of such matters.

BRA...Breast raiser apparatus... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare

[Jochanaan]

No, no...Bounce Reduction Apparatus, made by the Breast Restraint Association. (Some boobs really should be restrained, and I'm not talking about women's chests!)

Jochanaan....Very good... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...if I make one person laugh or smile everyday... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Here's a little query I made up about the word "everyday" (def.: ordinary, commonplace)...

If I go to work everyday,
Will I get a paycheck everyweek,
So I can pay my bills everymonth,
And file my taxes everyyear?

Hmmmmmmmmm? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (Just teasing, just teasing /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif )

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy: Here's a little query I made up about the word "everyday" (def.: ordinary, commonplace)...
If I go to work everyday,
Will I get a paycheck everyweek,
So I can pay my bills everymonth,
And file my taxes everyyear?
Hmmmmmmmmm? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif (Just teasing, just teasing /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif ) [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmmmmmmm, Moboy. I'll have to check with someone from I.R.S. cause I suffer from C.R.S. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn?t you be able to go anywhere you want?
Nope. Not to the moon, or Atlantis.

If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
Because 98.6 is internal. External is about 85.

What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
GRMMPHH GRMMPHH! OINK. WEEEEEEE-WEEEEEEE. OINK OINK. MORE MORE!!

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
Only to the extent that arsonists eat arsenic.

Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
Because with all the popularity of nudism, the Sun doesn't want to be recognized any more.

If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st ? January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
The January year. The last minute:second of any hour is 59:59.

If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Nope. It means you were kicked out.

If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you?
Only if it's vacant. DUH. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
Because gullible people couldn't find it anyway!

When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what?s the difference?
The difference is that you might have to shovel six inches of "partly cloudy" off your driveway.

Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Only from laughing too hard while "savoring" /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif life!

Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
Because women and men's feet are different sizes!

What happens when you say ?hi? to your friend on an airplane whose name is Jack?
Huh? I thought airplanes were given feminine names, like ships! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Yes, gawkers do. Definitely.

Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Jochanan got it right. Also, they appear centered over highways in case a plane would attempt an emergency landing there.

Why do people who don?t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
People bury themselves? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the bluebird?
Because Missouri doesn't have enough bluebirds to form a baseball club!

Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
Because hope springs eternal that the public doesn't harbor any complete asses!

Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Because at night birds are just as ignorant of the law of gravity as they are in the daytime!

Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
"Are chil'ren." "To perteck are chil'ren." (Best Bill Clinton whine.)

If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
Only to the same extent that "inflammable" means the opposite of "flammable."

If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Nawww... only the black folks.

Why is a woman in a suit a "business person? but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
Because a man is never expected to be in that "business."

When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Nope. Bacon doesn't come from fartlocker tissue. So, it smells like sausage!

How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Until the money changes hands? Friend-a-mine went to give blood and they asked him, "Have you ever paid for sex?" He answered, "Of course! I'm a married man!"

Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
I dunno. Lemme go ask my titmouse.

If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
I dunno that either. But I DO know how to stop an elephant from stampeding... you cut off his stampeder!

[hw]

Moboy...you da man! ROFLMAO! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Enjoy this everyone....(The Voice) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin
it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the
need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before
this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take
this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that
are bigger than mine."

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since
you survived."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin
your life!"

"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm
dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family
won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister,
you cheating bas*ard!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father was?"

"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so
we're having a party without you."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Enjoy this everyone....(The Voice) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif


"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that
are bigger than mine."

I think that one takes the booby prize!

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since
you survived."

"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin
your life!"

"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm
dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Obviously you or someone has some exes to grind!

You remind me of the time I was listening to the coordinator on the date in a tree--oops, I mean data entry--team at my old company. She said to a new hire, "Now, you put your X here." And I had to ask, "But what if she doesn't have an X?"

[hw]

Remember Jochanaan....X marks the spot! (Maybe I should have posted that under non-nude jokes) /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif


For LADIES ONLY

He said, I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.
She said, you wear pants don't you?
*****
He said, what have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said, turn sideways & look in the mirror!
*****
On a wall in a ladies room, "My husband follows me
everywhere.
Written just below it said, "I do not."
*****
How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
He buys two cases of beer.
*****

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge &
go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed &
go to the fridge.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
He buys two cases of beer.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL! Heck, for my 4-day weekend, I bought THREE cases! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Hiccup! HEY! Could somebody please make that darn cat quit STOMPING? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
LOL! Heck, for my 4-day weekend, I bought THREE cases! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
Hiccup! HEY! Could somebody please make that darn cat quit STOMPING? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If mamory /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif serves me, weren't we supposed to have kegs? Why wasn't I invited? Oh that's right! I was having fun in the sun at the coast! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[mj]

did you folks hear about the thirsty dyslexic....he walked into a bra.

how about the guy who carries a 2x3 slab of asphalt into the bar and orders two beers....bar tender asks why 2...the guy says one for himself and one for the road....

the two termites who walk into the bar....not see the bartender one asks the other....so where's the bar tender...

or the sandwich who walks into the bar and asks for a drink...the bartender says sorry.....we don't serve food here.

got the feeling you have heard this same old bull crap before...must be deja moo.

or the two cows talking to one another .....daisy tells dolly she was just artifically inseminated....dolly says yea....daisy says no bull....

Lasst week I was driving down a busy street in the small town I live in. A rather, and not Dan, large man riding a bicycle ran every red light, and ran a stop sign too. I got up next to him and told him red lights and stop signs applied to folks on bikes too... He told me to kiss his a-S.. I told him I didn't have that much time and come to think of it neither did any of my friends. He threw his bike down on the ground and was ready to fight. I relayed the incident to my wife and she said i have to watch it he might have had a gun and might have shot me....I told her as tight as the shorts were I would have seen a gun.

[missouriboy]

how about the guy who walked into the bar with a frog perched on top of his head? When the bartender saw it he asked, "Good grief! Where'd you get THAT thing?"

The frog replied, "Well, it started out as this little pimple on my ***, then..."

[shãybare]

Hardy, Har-Har. These jokes are so funny I fell off the bar. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[Jaybird77]

A priest, a So Baptist minister, a Rabbi, a Mexican, a Polock, an African, a blonde, a brunette, and a red hed all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this? A joke?"

Jaybird77

[hw]

Bad Resume Quotes

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs.

Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: Often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

[barelybob]

I think I know some of these people. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

The following phrase:

President Clinton of the USA

can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each
letter only once) into:

To Copulate He Finds Interns

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Kenny G]

I'm curious as to why a woman that really enjoys sex, and is easily aroused is called a "nymphomaniac". Yet when a man has these same symptoms, he's called "normal"! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif Hmmmmm.....

[Elery]

Because women don't view men as property (men wouldn't let them) while men view women as someTHING owned now or to be owned in the future and property has to be "protected" so it keeps it's value...You don't believe that the phrase "damaged goods" for a woman no longer a virgin before marriage is completely outdated do you? Attitudes have and are improving but the more things change the more they stay the same, eh? 'Nother reason why top free is so hard to get accepted, them lawmakers don't want folks to see 'their' wifes boobs..

[hw]

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.

Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Some strange people I've met:
1. A doctor who barked like a dog at the staff and patients. When I went to him for sick call, he looked at me and went "arf". He did that with everyone. His advice to everyone was "Don't drink, smoke, or eat animal fat."

2. A female patient named Georgia. I often told her "Georgia, you're as sweet as horse manure", and she would thank me. I often asked her, "Georgia, are you going frog kissing again tonight?" She would always say "Yes." She used to be a teacher. I guess the kids drove her nuts.

3. An employee where I worked who said strange things like "There is no such thing as up or down; only to and from." "Color doesn't exist in the dark. It disappears."

4. Two male patients who would eat ANYTHING that would fit in their mouths. One of them choked to death on a zipper he tried to swallow. The other one had his stomach cut open to remove bones, floor tile, styrofoam cups, and formaldehyde--among other things. I always wondered why the drinking fountain always looked clean until I saw one of them licking it. One of them found some urine in an ash tray once, dipped his hands in it and used it on his hair.

5. A female nursing aide who used an adult diaper to dry-whip urine off a table in the patient dayroom, and then set her can of pop where the urine had been without washing the table.

6. Some of my relatives, but that's another story.

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jon-Marc:
"Color doesn't exist in the dark. It disappears." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>HMMMMM!

Well, the name of this topic is right... it just made me go HMMMMM. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I bet that fellow was right, except the part about disappearing, because something that doesn't exist cannot disappear. HUH?

Color is just differences in the length of light waves, and dark is the absence of light, soooo... no light, no color! Boy howdy!

[Jochanaan]

I can't drive a bus, or I'd be busted! But if I take a lunch, it's never false; it's always a real lunch.

I take that back: Once I purchase a barbecue beef sandwich and found a corner of it was green. That's a false lunch! Fortunately I saw it in time, or I would really have lost my lunch.

Sign on NASA office: "Out to Launch."
(Not original, but I forgot where I stole it.)

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bigbadron:
Do you drive a bus or take a lunch,true or false? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The answer is D all of the above! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Joke-anaan, for bus driving instructions ask Keithmj. I heard he drives the voices anywhere they ask him to go. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Now about that green beef! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
Sign on NASA office: "Out to Launch."
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>And before the countdown, do the astronauts dine on launch meat?

[shãybare]

This is the way I heard it.

Do you walk to school or carry a lunch?
Do you like it better in the summer or in the country?

[barelybob]

Shaybare, I've been wondering something. Do you have any relatives up here? I have a friend in town who looks just like you. Or, are you him? He doesn't go by his given name either. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[shãybare]

Not that I know of, barelybob. I must have one of those "common" faces. HW mentioned to me that I look like a relative of theirs. At times when I go out to eat either here in Okla. or Ark. people will come up to me thinking they know me. It must be my winning smile. Or I may be getting around alot more that I think I do. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

I've been told many times that I look like someone else. One woman said, "You look just like my dead son." Had I thought, I would have asked, "Before or after he died?"

[namedun]

Recently went to a Burger King with a friend, noticed a poster for one of their burgers. In fine print near the bottom, were the ominous words "TASTES LIKE 100% beef"

..........tastes like?
Think about what were eating, bet you can't tell what it is most of the time.

Namedun /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[shãybare]

That's a real quacker, Jon-Marc.
And thanks, namedun, for ruining my lunch. ha ha

The woman who said I looked like her dead son was quite old and apparently had very poor eyesight. I was in my 30's, and she said I looked 18. Maybe her son's face was blurry, which was why my blurry face looked like his.

[No Threads]

Jon-Marc! You need some sun !! Na just kiddin. Hey you got it easy, when I was going to private school all the girls there thought I was Donnie Osmond. So see you really got off easy. Of course I look like someone?s dead son now. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
And before the countdown, do the astronauts dine on launch meat? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I thought that was their major sporting event: the Launch Meet.

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by No Threads:
Hey you got it easy, when I was going to private school all the girls there thought I was Donnie Osmond. So see you really got off easy. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Did you have Donnie Osmond's threads back then? Is that why you're No Threads?

[No Threads]

Oh crap you know me? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:

Did you have Donnie Osmond's threads back then? Is that why you're No Threads? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I thought polyester was made out of plastic, not threads.

[No Threads]

Threads O plastic... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by No Threads:
Oh crap you know me? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I AM BIG BROTHER. I WATCH YOU THROUGH YOUR TELEVISION.

Oops! Don't have a TV. Can't get away with that whopper. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Hey Big Brother Joke.. and all my other buddies can you help me out here? I just became grandma to a little girl again yesterday (October 30)! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Mom is having a hard time trying to decide on a name...I suggested Eva Halloween, but my daughter didn't really care for that name. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif lol
I will take any and all ideas to the next visit... any suggestions? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Hey, HW, congrats. How about an indian name like maybe "Little Poopsalot"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Hey, HW, congrats. How about an indian name like maybe "Little Poopsalot"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Great idea Shaybare... I would love to give her and Indian name, butt "Little Poopsalot" is reserved for boys, and Two Dogs has been taken. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Congrats too h-double-yoo!!!

I suppose Michael Myers is out of the question since it is a girl... Hey!! How 'bout Michelle Myers?

[barelybob]

That's great news HW!

As for names, I guess I'm like George Foreman, no imagination.

Remember, the best thing about grandchildren is "the little darlin's come over on friday and the little bastards go home on sunday". Another old Irish proverb. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by barelybob:
I guess I'm like George Foreman <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Groovy!

You can grill with less fat!

[hw]

Thanks for all the suggestions guys. I "Nude" I could count on my buddies. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

bareleybob, is that really how it works? Wish I would have known that sooner! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif I can't tell you how many times I have child-proofed my house....but they keep getting in! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Does this add up? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Hmmmmmmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Mathematical viewpoint


Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation?
Mathematical Viewpoint:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V
W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

....And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a*s kissing will take you:

A-*-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

But one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While,
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,

And,
Attitude will get you there,

Bullsh*t and A*s kissing will put you over the top! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

Congratulations, hw! Has a name been chosen yet? If not, Biblical names are always nice; I like Miriam myself.

Or if Mama like flowers, how about Chrysanthemum (sp?)? Then she could be called Chrys or Chryssie.

I'd never heard about the "little darlin's/little bastards", but it's certainly accurate! (At least, from what I've heard. I'm highly unlikely to become a granddad since I have no children at 45.)

Blessings on the "little darlin'"!

[Jochanaan]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,

And,
Attitude will get you there,

Bullsh*t and A*s kissing will put you over the top! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Aha! The corporate scandals are explained!