View Full Version : Non Nude Jokes
Ok, I wanna here some funny jokes that aren't related to nudism. here's one to start us off.
So a family just went to church, and the little boy asks his father, "Daddy, is God black or white" and the dad replied "he's both son." Then the kid asked "Is god a man or woman" and his dad replied "He's both son." Then the kid quickly said "God is Michael Jackson?"
Ok, I wanna here some funny jokes that aren't related to nudism. here's one to start us off.
So a family just went to church, and the little boy asks his father, "Daddy, is God black or white" and the dad replied "he's both son." Then the kid asked "Is god a man or woman" and his dad replied "He's both son." Then the kid quickly said "God is Michael Jackson?"
David77
06-13-2003, 05:45 PM
A "joke" slandering anyone is unethical.
That was great, Kim!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth. NC, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
chuckie30
06-13-2003, 10:08 PM
What do u call an intellegent blonde?
a labrador.
Why dont the blind go skydiving?
it scares the hell out of the dog.
How does a blind skydiver know when he is close to the ground?
the leash goes slack.
Hear about the old guy who wakes up in the middle of the night and for the first time in ten years has an erection, he wakes his wife and shows her, and asks if they should do something with it.
she replys that see as though the wrinkles are out for a change, he should wash it.
Jerry was helping his neighbor John do some renovations to John and Mary's bathroom. One of the things they had to redo was the old toilet.
They put the old one out on the driveway where they were gong to break it up with a sledgehammer.
While the toilet was sitting there, a 5-year-old neighbor came by. He looked at the toilet and asked John, "Why does Mrs. Taylor make you pee out here?"
chuckie30
06-14-2003, 03:51 PM
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit.So one night, while they were in the
middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down
and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device. She
gets completely upset.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,"how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain
the toy if you explain the kids."
A blonde named Jenny was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because it had 250,000 miles on it.
One day she told her problem to a friend, Jerry. He said, "There's a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Jenny, "if only I can sell it."
"OK," said Jerry. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000. Then it shouldn't be a problem selling it."
The following weekend, Jenny made the trip to the mechanic. Later, Jerry asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Jenny, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
chuckie30
06-14-2003, 04:42 PM
In a trial a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand, a grandmother. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do
you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women. Yes, I know him"
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt"
chuckie30
06-14-2003, 04:53 PM
He said, She said:
He said: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not
with your brains?
She said: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is
blind.
chuckie30
06-14-2003, 04:55 PM
A mommy asked her ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong.
"Oh Mom," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got
nothing left to live for!"
Jenny's great aunt Harriet, a widow, had been dating an elderly widower for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry him. She immediately said "Yes".
The next morning when he awoke, the man couldn't remember what her answer was! After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the phone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", Harriet said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying "yes" to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was!"
S.M.A.
06-27-2003, 03:11 PM
I hope that nobody's offended by this one. I've known this joke for the longest time:
Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. As they reach the Pearly Gates, they are stopped by St. Peter. St. Peter tells the nuns, "You can't go into heaven without correctly answering one question."
One nun volunteers to go first. St. Peter asks her, "What was the name of the first man?" She responds "Adam," and St. Peter says "You're in."
The second nun decides to go. St. Peter asks her, "What was the name of the first woman?" She responds "Eve," and St. Peter says "You're in."
Finally, the last nun is given her question. Having noticed how the first two questions were, she knows she's a sinch to go in. St. Peter asks her, "What did Eve say when she first met Adam?" The third nun is dumbfounded. She's completely stumped. So she says, "My, that's a hard one."
And then St. Peter says, "You're in!"
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-27-2003, 09:05 PM
<font color="red">
[b]
Order of Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.''' /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
She-Wolf_Returns
06-27-2003, 09:12 PM
<font color="purple">
[b]
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-27-2003, 09:15 PM
<font color="magenta">
[b]
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby ? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''
Jochanaan
06-27-2003, 09:27 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Raised_by_She-Wolf:
<font color="magenta">
[B]
Perfumed Blonde
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby ? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!'' <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It sounds like her dad really "screwed it up"!
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I have one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
vintagecarguy
06-28-2003, 02:58 AM
a few thoughts to ponder....
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
i feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe
the early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
support bacteria,theyre the only culture some people have.
depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
change is inevitable,except from vending machines.
plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
if you think nobody cares,try missing a few payments.
those of you who believe in telekenisis,raise my hand.
why do psychics have to ask for your name?
inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Today I decided to stop being a procrastinator, then I decided to wait until tomorrow.
I've often said I don't believe in luck, but then again, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.
-----------------
Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen her somewhere before."
The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have, That's me!"
chuckie30
06-28-2003, 07:14 PM
The early bird does catch the worm, but did it help the worm getting up early?
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-28-2003, 09:59 PM
<font color="purple">
[b]
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
She-Wolf_Returns
06-28-2003, 10:09 PM
<font color="9966FF"
[b]
Since 1996, many new and scary viruses have been invading computers around the world, including the--
BOBBIT VIRUS-Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS-Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS-Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS-Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS-This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS-Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS-Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS-Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS-It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS-Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS-Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1-Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2-Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS-Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS-Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS-Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS-Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
TEXAS VIRUS-Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS-Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1-The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2-Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS-You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS-Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS-Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS-Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS-Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS-Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS-Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS-Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS-Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS-Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS-Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill. It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS-Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS-It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS-Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS-Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS-It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Bumper stickers:
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot"
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-29-2003, 10:30 PM
<font color="CC6600">
[b]
40 Year Old Men and Women
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-29-2003, 10:42 PM
<font color="9933FF">
[b]
Perfect Man, Perfect Women
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Eve, this perfect couple was driving down a country road. The snow was falling heavily, yet somehow the perfect couple caught a glimpse of someone in distress along the roadside. Being the perfect couple that they were, they stopped to help.
There on the roadside stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys in his outstretched arms. His sleigh was a wreck and tangled among the trees. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon, they were driving from house to house, delivering all of Santa's toys to the neighborhood children.
As luck would have it, the driving conditions worsened, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Tragically, only one them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. Everyone knows there are no such things as Santa Claus and a perfect man!
Well then, since there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, obviously the perfect woman must have been driving. This would explain the car accident!
Wolverina's Note: Hello? That's the stupidest stereotype I've ever heard. Women and car accidents? Why, then, do men have higher insurance rates, hmmm?? And why are all the bad drivers I know generally male??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-29-2003, 10:55 PM
<font color="orange">
[b]
The Origins of Chapstick
------------------------
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty
day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the
saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse
to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted
its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He
dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed
towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped
lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-29-2003, 11:01 PM
<font color="339999">
[b]
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-29-2003, 11:05 PM
<font color="666633">
[b]
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
Raised_by_She-Wolf
06-29-2003, 11:10 PM
<font color="red">
[b]
What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a horse's butt?
A mechanic. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<font color="purple">
Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?
<font color="9900FF">
A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I'm a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Alright. The toilet's right around the corner."
<font color="3366CC">
Once there was a bear taking a dump in the forest. A rabbit walks by and the bear says, ''Hey rabbit, does poo stick to your fur?"
''No,'' says rabbit.
"That's great!" says bear.
And bear picks up rabbit and wipes his butt with him.
<font color="006600">
Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''
<font color="gold">
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
(That was really bad, I know /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif )
<font color="orange">
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.
He asks the blonde what she is doing, and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the man.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
missouriboy
06-30-2003, 08:19 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>TEXAS VIRUS-Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Menu item in a Fairbanks restaurant:
Homemade Pie.....$1.00 (Texas size...fifty cents)
nude in wheelchair
06-30-2003, 01:27 PM
Once ther was policeperson who asked a boy if his dog has a license (meaning a dog license). The boy responed with a look on his face,he told him "no sir my dog can't even drive." /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a
couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big
strong arms and legs and a rowboat, which he was able to row across the
river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and
the intelligence.... to cross this river. "Poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
nude in wheelchair
07-24-2003, 11:19 PM
Hw, very funny but man and women r both smart but guys like me have one track mind
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nude in wheelchair:
Hw, very funny but man and women r both smart but guys like me have one track mind <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey nude in wheelchair...I hope I didn't offend you. That was not my intention. I'll try to post another joke for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Have a great day! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Mr bean's guide to fun in an elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it isn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,and go back
for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a
while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if
they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic,
they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,"Shut up,
all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,ask, Got
enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,without
getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,"You're
one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I
have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, -This is my personal space!
Hw...You and NudeM must have alot of fun together....Ill bet youve tried out all of these...Right?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
nude in wheelchair
07-26-2003, 01:13 AM
HW that was good but some of those might have the Police on ya lol
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw...You and NudeM must have alot of fun together....Ill bet youve tried out all of these...Right?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not really....my elevator doesn't go to the top floor. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Hw ....Sorry about your elevator...Im sure you can still have some fun on the ground floor if you can just get the door to close... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw ....Sorry about your elevator...Im sure you can still have some fun on the ground floor if you can just get the door to close... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>ODB... I've had ground beef before, but never "ground floor". What does that taste like? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
sawdust
07-26-2003, 09:04 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw ....Sorry about your elevator...Im sure you can still have some fun on the ground floor if you can just get the door to close... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>ODB... I've had ground beef before, but never "ground floor". What does that taste like? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Don't be silly! That's where "woodies" come from.
From ground floor??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sawdust: /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Don't be silly! That's where "woodies" come from. [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>sawdust you are confusing the voices /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Let me see if I can figure this out. hmmmmmm No, I'm still confused. Oh wait, are you saying woodies come from ground floor as in , ground up floor? Like a wood floor? No that's not it. Let's see, your name is sawdust... OMG are you the leftover wood? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
ODB, did that help? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
/infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Taste like chicken??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
/infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif Taste like chicken??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>ODB...I don't know what it would taste like, but I'll ask my kids. They have the 5 second rule about food that is dropped on the floor. "
If food is dropped on the floor and picked up within 5 seconds it can be eaten without risk of dirt or germs".
Still confused? Good, I've done my job! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Trailscout
07-27-2003, 07:28 AM
You must not have a dog in the house. Dogs observe a 2 second rule: If food hits the floor, humans have 2 seconds to retrieve it before the dog eats it.
Ummmmm, no dogs in my house Trailscout, but thanks for the info. Here's one just for you animal lovers out there:
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The
distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The
vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat
jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back,
shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely, 100%certifiably dead." He then turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to
the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried."$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only
have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... what did you
expect?"
nude in wheelchair
07-27-2003, 03:59 PM
Good one I get it lol
Loved the parrot story Hw... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Odb
missouriboy
07-28-2003, 07:35 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
...my elevator doesn't go to the top floor. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Remember when Phyliss Diller said she couldn't wear those new miniskirts, because her legs didn't go all the way up?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Remember when Phyliss Diller said she couldn't wear those new miniskirts, because her legs didn't go all the way up? [/QB] <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No, Moboy, I don't remember that. But if they didn't go all the way up, did they go down all the way? Hmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Naturist Mark
07-28-2003, 03:24 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
No, Moboy, I don't remember that. But if they didn't go all the way up, did they go down all the way? Hmmmmm /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>My mom is so short, she says her feet just barely reach the ground...
-Mark
Naturist Mark
07-28-2003, 03:28 PM
found on the internet:
Letter to my Dogs
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, and you will see that they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Rules for non pet owners who visit, and like to complain about our pets:
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.
All of the above also applies to cats, except they completely ignore you until you are finally and comfortably asleep.
-Mark
fred950
07-28-2003, 07:01 PM
HW, to think George Carlin once said there's nothing to do on an elevator execpt not look at the other guy!
Mark your letter to a dog was EXCELLENT I am going to make a copy and read it to a certain beagle whom insists my pillow is her bed!
Jochanaan
07-28-2003, 07:06 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by naturistmark1:
My mom is so short, she says her feet just barely reach the ground...
-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Are you sure, Mark, that your last name isn't Twain? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
HW, to think George Carlin once said there's nothing to do on an elevator execpt not look at the other guy!
Mark your letter to a dog was EXCELLENT I am going to make a copy and read it to a certain beagle whom insists my pillow is her bed! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>fred, I really don't worry about what to do on elevators....there are none in my town, and only a couple in the next town over! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Mark, great letter! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jochanaan:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by naturistmark1:
My mom is so short, she says her feet just barely reach the ground...
-Mark <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Are you sure, Mark, that your last name isn't Twain? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Jochanaan, mark1 is his last name; naturist his first name. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Some Quick Ones...
1. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
2. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam.
3. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On Ice?
Polaroids.
4. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick
5. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese
6. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. What Do You Call 4 Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
8. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk
9. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
10. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck
Naturist Mark
07-30-2003, 06:47 PM
Osama Bin Ladin is still in hiding, Allied forces are still on the hunt. Recently an internal email from an undisclosed location leaked out onto the internet:
From: Bin Laden, Osama [mailto/infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gifsama@taliban.com]
Sent: Monday, February 17, 2003 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you lots.
Osama
SO YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING!
* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
* No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
* Pearls melt in vinegar.
* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
* The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro,Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
* Turtles can breathe through their butts.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
* All polar bears are left handed.
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (Hmmmmmmmm.... I wonder if they pierced anything?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Actual Answers From Radio Contestants
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...
1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
"F"
4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name
Heil
8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t
9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair
14) A famous Royal
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac
April
22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls
A roof
25) Something slippery
A con-man
26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato
29) A famous Scotsman
Jock
30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels
missouriboy
08-01-2003, 02:51 AM
* Marilyn Monroe had six toes. So? I have TEN! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
* Pearls melt in vinegar. Gold dissolves in chorine (or so says missourigirl's jeweler).
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. I knew that... but it's a loooooong story! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Then what about those "White Men?" /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Yeah, and how about "ORANGE?"
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. And the longest place-name that I've found to be typed with one hand is SWEETWATER TEXAS"
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. I knew that... but it's a loooooong story! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Yeah, and how about "ORANGE?"
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. And the longest place-name that I've found to be typed with one hand is SWEETWATER TEXAS" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Moboy, go on, tell us about leading the cow upstairs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Do you know a word that rhymes with "purple"?
When you are typing "SWEETWATER TEXAS", does the left hand know what the right hand is doing? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Jochanaan
08-01-2003, 11:54 AM
The following exchange actually took place between Sir Thomas Beecham, the famous conductor, and a trombone player.
"You are new, aren't you?" said Beecham. "What is your name?"
"Ball, sir."
"How very singular," observed Sir Thomas.
[Source: Atkins, Harold, and Archie Newman, Beecham Stories. New York: St. Martin's Press, 1979]
Hey guys...love the one liners.....much more then that and i loose interest. Must be my short attention sp
I live in Ohio...and seems as if everything is getting taxed now. If anxiety is taxed whould you have anxiety-a-tax?
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mj:
I live in Ohio...and seems as if everything is getting taxed now. If anxiety is taxed whould you have anxiety-a-tax? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>mj... yes, yes you would have anxiety-a-tax. Just don't panic about it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
08-04-2003, 08:38 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Moboy, go on, tell us about leading the cow upstairs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Do you know a word that rhymes with "purple"?
When you are typing "SWEETWATER TEXAS", does the left hand know what the right hand is doing? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Leading cows upstairs: Coming soon! (Too busy on Mondays.)
"What is the color of a belch?"
"Burple."
(I know, I know... grooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif )
About 2/3 of the way through, the left hand requests that the right thumb give the spacebar one good bang!
Indigostreak
08-04-2003, 03:18 PM
I really liked the "computer virus" list a while back. It ispired me to write a few of my own:
GOP Virus: Buys a lot of guns with your credit card and then sends the bill to your children.
Democrat Virus: Takes half your paycheck and sends it to needy computers.
Al Gore Virus: Puts all your data into a ?locked box? and then soon disappears from public view.
George W Virus: Lowers the amount of data on your computer and then transmits itself to an aircraft carrier.
French Virus: Tries to take over your computer, but soon surrenders.
Fox News Virus: Deletes all the liberal leaning files on your computer, and then calls itself ?fair and balanced.?
Saudi Arabian Virus: Calls itself your ?ally? and then sends millions of dollars to Muslim extremists.
Michael Jackson Virus: Whitens your screen and then makes your system run really weird.
Saddam Virus: Vows to put up a fight, but hides on your hard drive the moment you attack it.
Copyright 2003 George Arndt
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
About 2/3 of the way through, the left hand requests that the right thumb give the spacebar one good bang! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>ROFLMAO...You da man Moboy...you da man! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Welcome Indigostreak.... those are great! Look everyone...another one from Ohio! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
08-05-2003, 03:36 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by missouriboy:
Leading cows upstairs: Coming soon! (Too busy on Mondays.) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>TRUE STORY.
When I was but a young lad sitting around the local pool hall, I overheard some older men telling stories about their Hallowe'en pranks when THEY were young (waaaaay before MY time /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif ). It must've been during the 40's, when people in small towns still kept a bit of livestock, chickens, etc., at their houses. They also still had lots of "outhouses" too, which was a favorite target for pranksters to tip over, which was usually the kind of story related at this particular time.
Anyway, one of them laughed about being in with the group of boys who swiped Pop ******'s cow from his yard and led her away by her tether, planning to tie her up someplace else. An innocent enough prank, I guess, but they ended up entering the three-story high-school building, and leading that cow up to the top floor, and left her there!
Well, the next morning when the school authorities opened the building for classes, they found one hell of a mess... urine puddles and cow patties strung all over the hallway floor, locker doors dented in, and I don't remember what all damage there was. The cow was in a frantic panic but they got her calmed down I guess, and tried to lead her out. So far, so good, until they came to the stairs! No go, of course, no matter what anyone tried to do. The sad ending is that they had to kill that poor cow to get her out of the building. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
I am(was) personally acquainted with the teller of the tale AND the owner of the cow (long deceased now) but I've never really heard any official verification of this story. However, I don't believe it's something anyone could just make up!
barelybob
08-05-2003, 04:47 AM
I have heard of that prank also.
In reference to outhouses, my father and his older brother liked to move the outhouse just behind the hole, then wait for someone to answer the call of nature in the dark. This worked best if the owner was a serious beer drinker. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by barelybob:
I have heard of that prank also.
In reference to outhouses, my father and his older brother liked to move the outhouse just behind the hole, then wait for someone to answer the call of nature in the dark. This worked best if the owner was a serious beer drinker. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Now days people are going "privy diving" looking for antique bottles and such in the old watering holes! (Gives a whole new meaning to the term "Dumpster Diving") ! lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Moboy great story! Cows may come, and cows may go, but the bull in this place goes on for ever!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Jochanaan
08-05-2003, 07:36 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Moboy great story! Cows may come, and cows may go, but the bull in this place goes on for ever!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Eeeeeeyowwww! You remind me of a joke my parents told once (at least, only once in my hearing):
Q: What single word describes the situation in which a bomb is dropped onto a bull looking skyward with open mouth?
A: Abominable.
Q: What about the situation a moment later?
A: Noble.
tarsus
08-05-2003, 08:24 AM
o.k.
so a snail can sleep three years? my ex has that beat by a length. also now know why women are from
venus [this explains sooo much].i lived in ohio
also. try kentucky they tax the tax. and about those outhouses. i was 12 before we had a bathroom.
in my younger party days i learned a great use for plastic warp. more fun then moving that heavy wooden outhouse. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
and that cow story. wonder if the people tryed blindfolding the beast?
Subject: Fw: Coded Message From Saddam
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing,to let him know that he is still in the game.
Dubya opened the letter and saw a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H"
He couldn't figure it out, so he asked Karl Rove. Rove suggested that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Dubya
sent it to George Tenet.
Tenet, however, couldn't figure it out, either.
He suggested, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart." But Dr. Rice was baffled, too.
As Dubya was pondering the mysterious message, which lay on the desk before him, Colin Powell came into the Oval Office. When he saw the paper and read what was written on it, he asked, "Sir, where did that come from?"
Bush replied testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Saddam. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?" Powell cleared his throat and
replied, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary,
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
barelybob and Moboy....hope this helps! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
barelybob
08-14-2003, 04:09 AM
Thanks hw, I'm trying to remember why, or how, or what, or something. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
08-14-2003, 04:36 AM
HUH? Remember WHAT? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
barelybob and Moboy, it sounds like you may be experiencing the dreaded CRS disease. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif If this is the case remain calm and don't panic! They can sense fear you know. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Dog letters to God ...
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old
story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the
colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often
do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so
hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a
good dog:
- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.
- I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they
are tasty, they are not food.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
'hello.'
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Hw ...Thanks for all the dog humor...I guess Ive done some of those" dog tricks" at times...Woof Woof... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I wont say which ones...Outdoorbare
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
Hw ...Thanks for all the dog humor...I guess Ive done some of those" dog tricks" at times...Woof Woof... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I wont say which ones...Outdoorbare <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Gee Odie I sure hope it wasn't this one! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Hw...I'll never tell... /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Outdoorbare
Snoboy
08-19-2003, 06:14 PM
Outdoorbare I am startled at your revelation. You do what to yourself...and just how long have you been carrying the newspaper in from the yard to your master in your teeth...oh, and, about bathing yourself...can you be more specific? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Snoboy:
Outdoorbare I am startled at your revelation. You do what to yourself...and just how long have you been carrying the newspaper in from the yard to your master in your teeth...oh, and, about bathing yourself...can you be more specific? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes Odie, I'd like to "snow" that myself. Can you please be more "Pacific"? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Snoboy...Ive been fetching the newspaper about 18 years...Got any good treatments for fleas.....Howl /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Hw and Snoboy,...About my.. er.. ah..bathing practices...To be more pacific...I prefer a good run in the waves followed by laying in the nice warm sun on a rock with a view to dry..ODB(Old Dog Bare) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Odie was that you I saw on the "Rock" at Morro Bay last week? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
hw ...No ..my master and I and the pups were in the mountains... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif ODB
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
hw ...No ..my master and I and the pups were in the mountains... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif ODB <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I guess that explains the " Flea " problem. Watch out "fur" ticks! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
What is the best day to go to the beach ?....Sun day /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Jackknives & Breast Strokes
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came
back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down
on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Buzzer
08-27-2003, 10:17 AM
A sailor with a parrot on his shoulder goes into a pub.
"What a handsome bird, where did you get him?" asked the bar tender.
The parrot answered: "In Greece, there are millions of them there."
HERS:
-----
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
----
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct
one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from
the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this
is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11
said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the large slurpee.
18. Stops by the side of the road.
19. Takes a leak.
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done.
22. I think.
23. Returns to car.
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's
anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary.
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all.
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
A little military humor
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
****************************
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys... "YOURS is!"
****************************
Having just moved into his new office, a very pompous, self centered new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
****************************
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
****************************
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
missouriboy
09-04-2003, 05:55 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You remind of a great quip by George Burns. Remember when he played in the movie "Oh God?" After that, he once said someone asked him how he got to be a star, and he replied, "I started out as God, and just worked my way up!"
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table,
he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
tarsus
09-08-2003, 06:00 PM
h.w that was a really clean joke. reminded me of my younger days and a little country store where the cat always looked forward to someone buying cold cuts[deli meat].cat always licked the slicer clean and never once cut its tounge. i know this is for jokes but if funny was money i would be homeless.its a good thing i still got my looks to get by on.
tarsus...ROFLMAO! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif You were right on topic with that cat story! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Not only that this is off topic so anything you say here is just right. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Here kitty, kitty, kitty! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong.
"It's the pharmacist," she wailed. "He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning." Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, "Please, just listen to my side of it."
"This morning my alarm didn't go off," the pharmacist began to explain, "so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I
had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got pulled over and was given a speeding ticket. Later, about two blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally arrived at the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I opened the store and began waiting on these people, and all the while the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
Taking a breath, he continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over
the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, the phone still ringing off the hook. As I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. This made me stagger back against a showcase filled with perfume bottles, causing all of them to fall to the floor and break.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing without letting up. When I finally got to answering it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer. Believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Bear with me.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Mich U in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk "shop."
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it......
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle.... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's OOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Moral?..Dont try to convert bears?...Outdoorbear... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Loved your stories
Hmmmm... I wonder, could this be our favorite juggler Keithmj? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The
juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.!
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk
replied, "Might as well take my a*s on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test!"
Hw.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif very good
dalesman200
09-15-2003, 12:51 AM
For those of you who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
>>>
>>> Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
>>> from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
>>> His own children.
>>>
>>> After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
>>> And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
>>>
>>> "Don't what?" Adam replied.
>>>
>>> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
>>>
>>> "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve --
>>> we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
>>>
>>> "No Way!"
>>>
>>> "Yes way!"
>>>
>>> "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
>>>
>>> "Why"
>>>
>>> "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering
>>> why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few
>>> minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He
>>> was ticked!
>>>
>>> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
>>>
>>> "Uh huh," Adam replied.
>>>
>>> "Then why did you?" said the Father.
>>>
>>> "I don't know," said Eve.
>>>
>>> "She started it!" Adam said
>>>
>>> Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
>>> Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the
>>> pattern was set and it has never changed.
>>>
>>> BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
>>>
>>> If you have persistently tried to give children wisdom and they
>>> haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
>>> raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of
>>> cake for you?
>>>
>>> THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
>>>
>>> 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
>>> and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down
>>> and shut up.
>>>
>>> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
>>>
>>> 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
>>>
>>> 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
>>> for word what you shouldn't have said.
>>>
>>> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
>>> yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
>>>
>>> 6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
>>>
>>> ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose
>>> your nursing home.
>>>
>>> AND FINALLY:
>>> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
>>> DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
>>>
>>> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
>
Odie...you da man! Truer words were never printed! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Now for something a little off topic. Are you by any chance running for Governor? I think you and Elery would make a great team! Your wisdom could turn this State around in no time! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
I'd vote for Moboy, but alas, he is in the " Show Me State. We all know California is the " Sue Me " State! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
I know, I know....the election has been postponed! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:
Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put
on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and
set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and
make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!
Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be
wearing them for a while.
Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
stevenf64
09-16-2003, 02:34 AM
HW
words spoke in wisdom ....
sounds like you have had some experience....
Love the true humor in this keep it up
Love
your buddy
steve
barelybob
09-16-2003, 02:49 AM
That reminded me why I made a career of the Air Force. I had ample opportunity for being elsewhere, and they were basically grown by the time I retired.
Have a wondrous day! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Thanks Steve, You know I am the voice of experience. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
barelybob...you really missed out on some terrific opportunities to share cereal sneezes, pb&j hair conditioner, and murals done with permanent markers! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Have a great day guys! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Yeah barelybob...You also missed out on the great experience of teaching a 16 yr old to drive... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Oh and by the way ...do our birthday suits ever wear out??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif ...Hw ...Does chocolate ice cream in the glove box smell anything like Chocolate milk spilled in the carpet of the van?....Ooooh yuuuuck...The heat really brings out the aroma.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
shãybare
09-16-2003, 09:29 AM
No, outdoorbare, our birthday suits don't wear out; however, they can become tattered, torn, and very wrinkled.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by outdoorbare:
...Hw ...Does chocolate ice cream in the glove box smell anything like Chocolate milk spilled in the carpet of the van?....Ooooh yuuuuck...The heat really brings out the aroma.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Odie...because I deal with ADHD everyday, this is what I can tell you. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
As for aromas: I assume the chocolate would be similar and since they are both made with milk....yep....yuuuuck! Yogurt anyone? /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
All's smell that ends smell! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
Trailscout
09-16-2003, 06:51 PM
Speaking of aromas......
Some friends of mine were on a road trip out west, when a huge buzzard crashed through their windshield. They managed to stay on the road and no one got hurt.
Well they replaced the glass, vacuumed and shampooed the carpet, but dang it, that buzzard fragrance just lingered on.
They sold the car finally, after dousing it with a bottle of cheap perfume. They still had to take a big loss on it.
barelybob
09-17-2003, 02:50 AM
I wasn't gone all the time. I just got a break from it now and again.
As for teaching kids to drive, two of the three seem to have the same need for speed as their dad. Maybe I taught them too well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
You can't wear out your birthday suit because it is self mending. Believe me, I have ample proof of this. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
Have a wondrous day. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
fred950
09-17-2003, 07:17 PM
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif HW, I am surprized you forgot about the "Mother's Curse". Yes! For those of you who may not be familiar with this ,imagine the voice of Bill Cosby (whom I got it from in the first place) " All mothers place a curse upon thier children...ALL mothers have said, out of frustration or anger, 'When you grow up, I hope you have children who will behave exactly the way you are behaving right now.'.....The curse works."
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fred950:
/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif HW, I am surprized you forgot about the "Mother's Curse". .... imagine the voice of Bill Cosby... The curse works." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Aw, come on FRED...does anything I post really surprise you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I do remember the "Mother's Curse", but I am cursed with a curse of a different sort. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
"imagine the voice of Bill Cosby"....I don't have to imagine voices....my signature says it all! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
09-19-2003, 06:51 AM
The wrinkled little old lady wandered through the nursing home, lifting the hem of her nightgown, announcing "SuperSex, SuperSex."
One wrinkled old fellow in a wheelchair responded, "I'll take the soup."
These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Some of us don't know who some of these people are but it is still funny.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's Attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" what does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has Actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
missouriboy
09-27-2003, 01:53 AM
Picture this....
The man is running down the corridor with his hospital gown flapping in the breeze.
There's a nurse hot on his heels, brandishing a pair of surgical scissors.
The doctor in hot pursuit of the nurse is yelling, "NO, NO! I said 'Slip off his spectacles!'"
shãybare
09-27-2003, 08:16 AM
Double OUCH, Moboy.