Old time wit-isms

[stevenf64]

We have all heard them. I'm just looking for everyones favorite...You know what I am talking about, stuff like...

The lights are on but nobodys home....

He/she's not the sharpest tack in the box...

And my personal favorite...
Dont let the door hit ya were the good lord split ya.


So lets her them..
steve

[stevenf64]

We have all heard them. I'm just looking for everyones favorite...You know what I am talking about, stuff like...

The lights are on but nobodys home....

He/she's not the sharpest tack in the box...

And my personal favorite...
Dont let the door hit ya were the good lord split ya.


So lets her them..
steve

[TXK NUDE]

One I use a lot for myself...
"I know I'm as dense as a forest..."

[Trailscout]

It seems that I grew up learning a lot of figures of speech for stupidity:

He's one brick shy of a full load.

That boy ain't right in the head!

He couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag.

He don't mind nobody, that child is all feet and no ears.

Mad dogs and Englishmen, out in the noonday sun.
(No offense to the Brits who visit here).

Don't engage your mouth until your brain is in gear.

His brain is like a little dried pea rattlin' around inside that holler gourd head of his.

Son, your arithmetic is pitiful! I have got a jaybird in my back yard that can count higher than you can.
-------------------------------------------------

Of course no one ever said these things about me.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[TXK NUDE]

I've also said one or more of the following:

"I'm busier than a one-legged man in butt-kickin' contest"

"Know what bugs the boogers out of me?"

"I'm more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory"

"Sweatin' harder than a Southern Democrat at Election"

"It's rainin' cats and dogs"

"It's rainin' men! Hallelujah!" just kidding! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

"It's a gully washer" or "It's a frog strangler"

"He's as bright as a half-watt light bulb"

"He's so bright his daddy calls him 'son'"

"He's one wheel short of a wheelbarrow"

"Her blonde roots run all the way down to her toes."

[langbein63]

There are 2 that I used to use on my students, always jokingly and NEVER seriously.

You have all the brilliance of a burned out lightbulb.

There is something to be said for retro-active birth control.

[sawdust]

Here is a down easter expression and one that I have only heard in my home state of Maine. It is used when somthing has really upset you.
"Now that's a real pissa!"
Sawdust

[Nude\'n\'happy]

Some that I've heard or used:

As smart as a knot on a log

Not the sharpest tool in the shed (knife in the drawer)

Think they are hot sh*t on a silver plater, but only cold t*rd on a tin plate

dumber than a door nail

Only playing with a deck of 51

A legend in their own mind

Has the IQ of a rock

[naturalmanwa]

I guess I can add a couple to the list:

"Up to my a$$ in aligators"
"dumber than a sack of rocks"

[hw]

Hey Steve here's some more for your collection:

About as sharp as a marble.

A few clowns short of a circus.

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

He hasn't got both oars in the water.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of rocks.

A few peas short of a casserole. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

24 cents short of a quarter.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

She doesn't have all the chairs around the table

He's sharp as a thimble.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket.

If her IQ goes up to 40, she should sell.

About as deep as a saucer of milk.

She's not the brightest Crayola in the box!

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

He is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.

A few cards short of a full deck.

She could hold an in depth conversation with a chair.

Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

A room temperature IQ.

A photographic memory, but forgot to load the film.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Fell out of the family tree.

It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes"

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.



/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[TXK NUDE]

Okay, a few more...

"Someone's parents shouldn't have reproduced"

"Slicker than snot on a dog's nose." Refers to several things, including inclement weather, someone's behavior, or the coolness of an object or idea.

"You can go to town on that." Generally an approval or a previous statement, idea, or action.

"Even a blind hog will find an acorn once in a while" Refers to the fact that someone who usually does something stupid finally getting something right.

"Dead as a doorknob/nail" Refers to the inoperative state of an object or person

"like stink on a skunk" Usually applied to the closeness an object has with another, but can also be used to threaten another with how close they are to an open can of "whoop-a##"

[sawdust]

How about these two:
"Faithful as pig tracks", which implies that some one or thing can be depended on to be true or lead to a correct conclusion. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

And my all time favorite, "You can lead a horse to water, but a pencel must be lead."
Quote from Stan Laurel /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Sawdust

[hw]

"Were you born in a barn? No, then shut the door." That phrase was used to tell someone to shut an outside door, also to remind boys and men to check their zippers.

Others I've heard about the zipper problem:
"Are you going fishing?"
"Are you afraid of heights? Well your zipper is."
"Hey, you left the gate open."

More wit-isms:

"Who let the cat out of the bag?"
"You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[tarsus]

two of my fathers favs, were:
raining like pouring pi$$ out of a boot.
too lazy to eat sh*t and it put on a stick for him. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
and what he called me: motormouth. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
i think this refered to my outspoken ideas,[old hippie] and my sense of injustice in an unjust world.
still "one candle in the night,raging against the darkness",of unfair treatment,be it man,woman,white,black,yellow,or green and purple. they call me "mr. motormouth".

[TXK NUDE]

My mother says this:

"My stars and garters!" and "Heavens to Betsy!"

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
"Were you born in a barn? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hmmmmm... what would Jesus say?

-Mark

[sawdust]

Hmmmmm... what would Jesus say?

I think that He might say, "Go, and sin no more!"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Sawdust

[Naturist Mark]

I was thinking Jesus would say something like:

"Yes, I was born in a barn", only in aramaic...

[langbein63]

I love the zinger Fred Allen once used on Jack Benny: "He was born stupid and has been losing ground ever since."

[threadbare]

Electrician humor: sure would like to check her shorts.
'not the brightest bulb in the lamp.
Taking too long: Did you fill out change of address cards?
Do I need to put up a mailbox for you?
Don't think you can get much more milk outta this cow.
Feeling poorly: 'got a case of the drag-a$$.
Been shot at and missed,sh*t at and hit.
Too much work: Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with a case of the crabs. A$$hole deep---Head-first.

The good lord said brains--he thought he said trains-------------and he missed his.

If you really like it---That's finer than frog fur /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

forgot one of my favs

In a battle of wits--------you are un-armed /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Jochanaan]

And I always thought such things were witticisms! /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

"Goes like greased lightning."

"My train of thought derailed."

"It's snowing down south." (For those whose slips are visible. That's the kind you wear, not the kind your tongue makes.)

"XYZ." (When a zipper is open.)

"I'll give that a definite maybe."

"Whatever you do, don't do it!"

And a personal favorite, learned from a hippie type in the '70s: "Snow again, man, I didn't catch your drift."

[KetchumMaine]

Reviving an old thread, I have some additions from up here in Maine.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Couldn't find mud in May
She's warmth in the winter and shade in the summer
Not playing with a full load
A couple of Doritos short of a full bag
His head isn't screwed on tight

[grl66]

And a couple more while we're reviving:

Out to lunch
Subtle as a sledgehammer
Thick as a plank
IQ of a crushed gnat
As much imagination as a caravan site
And a positive for the asians amongst us "Not as dim as he sims"

[missouriboy]

"Strong! Like ox. Smart! Like tractor."

[namedun]

Couldn't pour pee out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

[al1inaz]

One of my favorites for the Trekkies here

a few dilithium crystals short of a warp core.

[jon71]

can't count to twenty without taking his shoes off.

[al1inaz]

I heard these called "full deckisms"

Here are a few more, I've got lots where these came from . . . and not because they've been used on me

A few clowns short of a circus.
a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
a couple of fries short of a happy meal.
A few pixels short of an image
half a bubble off plumb
A few beers short of a six-pack
All foam. no beer.

Or how about a few "he's so stupid"
He's so stupid, when he counts to ten he gets stuck at 1.
He's so stupid, if you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change back.
He's so stupid, if his I.Q. was any lower, he'd trip over it.

[KetchumMaine]

A few strings of lights short of a holiday decoration contest http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[nimrod]

Forget my own head if it weren't attached.
Change that to:Forget my own penis, if it weren't so big. http://clothesfreeforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif
If were a snake it would have bit me.
One I heard from one of my teachers, after a smarta** comment from yours truly, You have a mind like a steel trap.

[missouriboy]

Then there's the teeshirt that says, "I've Got A Mind Like A Steel Watchamacallit"