Here's a couple for you

[Cookie Monster]

If you are bored and want to have some fun go to Walmart and:

*Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

*Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

*set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

*When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

*Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

*Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

*Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me, pick me".

*Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here".

*Get a card table and a bottle of suntan lotion, then get Naked and advertise for the suntan lotion company. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
=================================================
*As the coals from our barbecue burned down, my husband passed out marshmellows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[Cookie Monster]

If you are bored and want to have some fun go to Walmart and:

*Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

*Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

*set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

*When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

*Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

*Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

*Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me, pick me".

*Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here".

*Get a card table and a bottle of suntan lotion, then get Naked and advertise for the suntan lotion company. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
=================================================
*As the coals from our barbecue burned down, my husband passed out marshmellows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[EricNY]

Like it cookie, keep 'em coming.

Theres no toilet paper in here......hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah thats good! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Aaron]

cookie monster-
You have one of the funniest post I have ever seen in these forums. I sat on the phone with Bartimus as I read this post. I want to go try that alarm clock idea and sit back and watch it. Keep up the good humor man it's greatly appreciated on our end. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[Cookie Monster]

Well ok then if its more that you want then its more that you shall recieve...

First off my appologies in advance should I offend with this one, its all in fun.

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section, she looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells her that her seat is in coach, to which she tartly relpies " I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York"
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Pilot of the "Blonde problem". The pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back, briefly whispers something in the blondes ear and she immediatly gets up, says "thank you so much", hugs the pilot and rushes back to her seat in coach. The co-pilot and the attendant who were watching together ask the pilot what he had said to the woman and he simply repied "I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York". /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

I am so glad that I am sitting behind a computer moniter, the rotten tomatoes dont hurt as bad when the audience throws them at me... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me-I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman-clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers ino his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "That there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room" /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

OUCH, I think I had better leave before I get someone starts throwing cyber-tomatoes... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

No offence intended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand comparative criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom. (or maybe Suntied's mom)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the *****s on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t."

[Rik]

Went to the optician today. Guess who I bumped into..............bloody everyone!

Rik

Dicks lament....Has a head he cant think with ..Hangs around with 2 nuts all the time..His best friend is a ***** and whenever he gets excited he throws up... /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[nudist_in_Tn]

Three priests were traveling to Pittsburg and they went into the ticket office to purchase tickets to their destination where they saw a very buxom young lady wearing a very low cut blouse and no bra, the first priest said you two wait here and I will get our tickets, so he went up to the lady and said Id like three tickets to titsburg realizing what he had said he blushed and excused himself and went back to the other two priests and said I just cant do it she is much too distracting, so the second priest went up to her and said Id like three tickets to Pittsburg and Id like my change in nipples and dimes, realizing what he had just said he blushed and excused himself and returned to the other two priests and said you were right she is much too distracting, so the third priest said I should have done this in the first place so he went up to the lady and said Id like three tickets to Pittsburg and Id like to have my change in nickels and dimes so she sold him the tickets and gave him his change in nickles and dimes, he thanked her and replied young lady when you get to heaven St. Finger is gonna shake his peter at you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,"You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train,found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please,lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired. "The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly.

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

[gamblefish]

Man, what a bunch of commode-ians!! too funny...

Wrong *****, I get it ercNY...good one!!

OK , I got one:

Did you know that all the K-marts and Wal-marts in Iraq are being closed. After Wednesday night they all become Targets...

gamblefish...what a riot /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Its good to be able to have a sense of humor during these scary times..

[CalgaryMark]

Presumably the three priests were Roamin' Catholics?

[Suntied]

My brother told me this one...

What did the cow say, when the cat scratched his eye????

...Quit it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

He may have the looks, but I got the brains. That isn't even funny... (maybe it is dog humor?) /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Love this sight!!!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied... autograghs by appointment only... hee... hee /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[nudist_in_Tn]

Oh well I thought it was funny but what do I know lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[threadbare]

Ok, This one had my mother laughing for 2 weeks,

One day farmer Brown decided he was breed his ol sow with farmer Smith's pig. And since farmer Smith's farm wasn't but a quarter mile down the road, farmer Brown couldn't see need to load his pig up in the truck, so he got her up in his wheelbarrow, and off he went. After they(the pigs ) were done, farmer Smith tells farmer Brown, "Now you watch her tomarrow morning, if she's a wallerin in the mud that's good, and yer gonna have some piglets, if she's jawin on some grass,it didn't take and you'll have to bring her back.
The next morning farmer Brown steps out to see her just layin around munchin on some grass. So he loads her up and off he heads down the road.
The next morning farmer Brown awoke to the same results, so, off the two go for the third time.
The following morning, farmer Brown, sitting a the kitchen table drinking his coffee says to his wife," I can't bear to look, see if that pig is eating grass or rolling in the mud." His wife comes back in and anounces" Neither-----------------------She's waiting in the wheelbarrow!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

It must be Spring-----They're calling for thunderstorms and it's 70 degrees-----finally!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[theoldman]

I guess I gotta' add this!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Subject: Osama and the genie
> While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
>
> "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
> I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
>
> The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
>
> The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
>
> His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
>
> God is good.

[EricNY]

WHAT SEX ARE THEY?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider,it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Anyone think of more?

[naked cowboy]

OK Here's mine.Two drunks walking down a railroad track. one says to the other This is the longest staircase I've ever been on in my live.The other drunk say's it's not the stairs thats bothering me, it's the low hand rail. My Mom laughs every time she goes over a railroad track.

[scottnc]

A woman goes to Europe for a month. She leaves her beloved cat with her brother while she is away. A week later, she calls her brother and asks how the cat is doing. He replies, "I'm sorry, but your cat died."

Stunned, she says, "Why did you have to be so blunt? Why couldn't you use more tact & prepare me for such devastating news?"

He apologizes and asks what he could have done differently.

She says, "When I called today, you could have said, 'Your cat is up on the roof and we can't get her down.' When I called next week, you could have said, 'We got your cat down, but she isn't doing well.' And finally, when I called the third week, you could have said, 'I'm so sorry - your cat has passes away.' At least I would have been prepared for the sad news."

The brother said he would try to be more compassionate in the future.

A couple of years later, the lady went to Europe again for a month. After the first week, she called her brother and asked how their mother was doing."

"I'm sorry," he said, "but she's up on the roof and we can't get her down."

______________________________________________

The blond student was performing an experiment in the science lab. She put a frog on the floor and said, "Jump." The frog jumped 25 feet. She noted the results in her lab book.

She cut off one leg, put the frog on the floor, and said, "Jump." The frog jumped 20 feet, which she recorded in her lab book.

She cut off a second leg, put the frog on the floor, and said, "Jump." This time, the frog jumped 15 feet. She recoreded it in her lab book.

She cut off the third leg, put the frog on the floor, and said, "Jump." The frog jumped 10 feet. She noted the results and said, "I see a pattern. I predict the frog will jump 5 feet when I cut off the next leg.

She cut off the fourth leg, put the frog on the floor, and said, "Jump." The frog just sat there. "Jump," she said again. The frog did not move. "Jump,' she said the thrid time, but still the frog just stayed put.

Finally, she took out her lab book and wrote, "Cut fourth leg off frog - frog went deaf."

[TXK NUDE]

Okay, some "clean" fun for us more religious types...no offense intended, it's all in fun...

Moisha (Moses) noticed his friend Abram (Abraham) sitting on the steps of the synagogue (church)and crying his eyes out. When asked what was wrong, Abram confessed, "I sent my son to Israel for a pilgrimage and he came back a Christian!"

"You think you've got problems?" Moisha retorted, "I sent my son to israel a year ago, and he came back a Christian!" And he sat next to his friend and cried.

After a while Moisha gets an idea that they should go into the synagogue and get the rabbi's (minister's) advice. When they explain their lament to the rabbi, he scoffs, "You think you've got problems? I sent my son to Israel ten years ago and he came back a Christian!"

Together, all three men enter into the synagogue and knelt in prayer to almighty G-D for advice. After a few moments, a cloud descended onto the synagogue and thunder and lightning flashed all around. A glow shined throughout the building and a booming voice cried out, "You think you've got problems! I sent MY son to Israel 2,000 years ago..." /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[missouriboy]

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Have you ever pondered this question?

If it weren't for the billions of sponges in the oceans, how much higher would the waterline be?

[Capricorn]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
Like it cookie, keep 'em coming.

Theres no toilet paper in here......hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah thats good! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

[Suntied]

Bruster the Rooster

An egg farmer was having difficulties with his hens doing they're job. He blammed his rooster and drove the rooster down the road to his competiter, who was having a grand egg turn out, and asked what was his secret. The profitable egg farmer said he hadn't slept in days because of his rooster named Bruster, and would love to trade him his so that he may get some sleep. He then warned that you must keep Bruster in the hen house only... ONLY!!!

So the egg farmer put his rooster in the profitable farmers hen house and took Bruster to his farm.

He thought that the warning was silly and put Bruster in his first of three hen houses and went to bed.

Later that night... the farmer was awaken by the cry of his pigs.

He ran to the pig pen to see Bruster having his way with the sows. Astonished, he told Bruster "He needed to settle down or he would kill himself" and went back to bed.

Later that night... The cows were screaming. The farmer was amazed to see Bruster having his way with them. He told Bruster "He needed to settle down or he would kill himself" and went back to bed.

Later that night... The horses were winning and the farmer ran out to find Bruster causing the whole problem... you know what I mean. He told Bruster "He needed to settle down or he would kill himself" and went back to bed.

At daylight, the farmer walked out of his front door to see buzzards flying overhead Bruster with his his little feet stuck straight in the air, wings on the ground, and his head cranked off to one side.

Trembling, he walked out to Bruster to take him to his barrial. As he leaned down to scoop him up, he said "I told you you were going to kill yourself, I told you to settle down, what am I going to do?"

Bruster opened one eye and said "Be quite... they are about to land."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif Suntied /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[EricNY]

I love this one

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[scottnc]

A couple took their young son to a nude beach for the first time. As they were getting settled, the boy noticed that most of the other women's breasts were larger than his mother's. When he asked why, his mother said, "The bigger the breasts the dumber the woman." He then noticed that most of the men were better endowed than his father. When he asked why, his mother said, "The bigger the penis the dumber the man."

The son then went to play in the ocean with his father while his mother stretched out on the beach blanket. A while later, the son came back to his mother.

"Guess what, Mom? Dad's talking to the dumbest lady on the beach and the more they talk, the dumber he gets."

[EricNY]

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Thank God for heros.

ercNY

[Peter Stokes]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping holiday. During the night Holmes woke Watson, told him to look at the sky above and tell him what he saw.

"Well, Holmes," said the good doctor. "Astronomically, I see the awesome light of the Milky Way. Astrologically, I see that Jupiter is in Scorpio's seventh house. Meteorologically I can tell that a warm front is moving in from the west and bringing high pressure. Religiously, I can marvel in God's wonderful creation of the heavens."

"Watson," replied Holmes, "you're an idiot - someone's stolen our tent!"

[gamblefish]

An Irish guy with a withered arm walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Say, is that Jesus sitting down there at the end of the bar?". Bartender says, "Yes.". Irish guy says, "Give Him an Irish whiskey, on me.". Bartender says, "Ok.", and the Irish guy sits down at the other end of the bar.

Then, an Italian guy with a crippled leg walks in. He asks the bartender, "Say, is that Jesus sitting down there at the end of the bar?". Bartender says, "Yes.". Italian guy says, "Give Him a glass of wine on me." Bartender says, "Ok.", and the Italian guy sits down at the other end of the bar.

Then, a redneck wearing a neck brace walks in. He asks the bartender, "Say, is that Jesus sitting down there at the end of the bar?". Bartender says, "Yes.". Redneck says, "Give Him a shot of Jack Daniels, on me.". Bartender says, "Ok.", and the redneck sits down at the other end of the bar.

Jesus then gets up and walks down to the other end of the bar and faces the three men. He turns to the Irish guy, says "For your generosity, be made whole." He touches his arm and it is completely healed. The Irish guy shouts, "Praise God!!", waves his arms around and runs out of the bar.

He then turns to the Italian guy, says "For your generosity, be made whole." He touches his leg and it is completely healed. The Italian guy shouts, "Praise God!!" and runs out of the bar.

He then turns to the redneck and the redneck shouts, "Don't touch me!! I'm on disability!!"

[missouriboy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
I had a near death experience... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I heard that Bill Clinton had a near death experience once, about 2AM, when in a afterglow fog he got his social calendar all mixed up and reached out of bed for the phone and called a cab for Hillary.

[krcNY]

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his atention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[Nekkidfireman]

This is for the category of 'Here's a couple for you'.

three firemen who had gotten off of a rough shift, decided to go into an exotic dance club, and have few and watch the show.
The dancer seeing them, went to their table and bagan a performance. when she finished the rookie firefighter slipped a twenty into her G-string.
She then performed another routine which greatly impressed the veteran captain, he then placed a twenty into her g-string.
She began her third dance for the thrird man, and when she finished he showed absolutely no emotion.
She was thinking, 'is this guy dead or what'.
She then began a routine, and the the establihment came to halt just to watch her dance. when she finished there was an uproar of applause for her, and she looked at the third man again. the battalion chief, shrugged his shoulders, removed his wallet, took out his ATM card, slipped throught the crack of her behind, and took the forty dollars.