The Lighter Side

[EricNY]

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[EricNY]

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[EricNY]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

''Daddy, what is sex?'' The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.'' When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

''Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.''

This isn't a joke, but it's something I asked at a gas station recently.

After I got my gas and was paying for it, I asked the attendant about the sign that said "No shirt, No shoes, No service".

I asked, "What would you do if someone came in here in just a shirt and shoes? He'd be doing what the sign says."

Hiw reply was "Ask him to leave."

I always wanted to ask that and finally did.

[EricNY]

Three Strikes Your Out

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the horses stumbled, he said, "That's once."

Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time.

This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the hores dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him.

The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."

[hw]

What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
Outlaws are "WANTED"
*************************************************
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
"A DICTATOR"
*************************************************
Where do senior citizens go on their honeymoon?
VIAGRA BALLS!
hw /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"

The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

[EricNY]

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

[EricNY]

Two Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in

[krcNY]

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[Kenny G]

Hey,....Do you know what happens to a lawyer that takes Viagra?........He gets taller...... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[gamblefish]

Hey, speaking of viagra...

If you ever want to bring up the topic of "erections" at your nudist club, but are not sure how to go about it, try spiking the punchbowl with viagra. Then, the topic is bound to pop up sooner or later...

[hw]

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Hey gamblefish.....bring it up again, maybe we'll vote on it!!!!! HaaaaHaaaa /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[nudist_in_Tn]

A lady was sitting by the bed side of her dying husband holding his hand as he uttered his last words, the man said honey Im dying now but before I do I have a confession to make to you, she said to him you dont have to confess anything to me and he said yes I do because you see I had an affair with the lady down the block and her son is really mine, the wife said to him, yes I know all about that, now lie still and let the poison do its job. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

[dede46]

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffe cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "Thats impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads....

"W I N A B A G E L"

[Kenny G]

Hey dede46, I'm not sure, but I think I know that blonde......... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif (Life's too short to take it seriously!)

[gamblefish]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, an investment banker came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of her workday. She noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the investment banker to the fisherman. "You should be working rather than lying on the beach".
The fisherman looked up at the investment banker, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish" was the banker's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The investment banker replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish".
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The investment banker was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you" she said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The investment banker was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you".
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The investment banker was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again. You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world."

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[hw]

Why do farts have odors? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif So deaf people can enjoy them too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[missouriboy]

What is the color of a belch?

Burple.

(I know, I know. Grooooaaaaaannnnn! /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif )

[shãybare]

A man was riding along and had a flat. It was by the hospital for the mentally ill. The man got out and loosened the nuts then jacked the car up. He put the lug nuts in the hub cap. A semi came along and the gust of wind blew the hub cap over and the lug nuts fell through a grate and into the storm drain. The man began to curse and shout. "Now what am I going to do?" he said. There happened to be a patient of the hospital standing inside the fenced area and said, "Hey, mister, why don't you take one lug nut from each of the other wheels and use them? That way you will be able to drive to the nearest parts store and buy more lug nuts." The man was stunned for a minute. He said,"That's a great idea. How come your in there?" To which the patient replied,"I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Forever Nude,
Shaybare /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

Mars and Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars and Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?"; So she says the words that I, and every husband on the planet, dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"; I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face...it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look! Like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring 2006. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

Oh oh wannabe....you got me in big trouble...I was reading your hilarious story as my .. wife was talking to me on her cellphone on her way home from work.When I didn't respond to something important she was telling me and I started cracking up at the punchline...I had to admit what I was up to...So much for multitasking....If you no longer see me posting on this site ...you'll know what happened when she got home... /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[wannabenaked2001]

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?...

These are just a few who do....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some her pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine the embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but so did half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[hw]

Oh, Danny Boy! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif That sounds like one of my kids! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif That was one of the best jokes I've ever read. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol

Yea Wannabe ....You hit close to home with that story....When my now 16yr old was 2or 3 we took my inlaws out to a fancy Chinese restaurant for their anniversary .We were almost through with dinner when we began to smell something that wasn't egg foo young. She had let loose with the largest load that ever filled and overflowed her diaper,...oozing out the leg openings all over the restaurant highchair.We quickly mopped up best we could..left a big tip with the check and made a quick exit carrying her at arms length to the car. Aaaaah memories /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

[hw]

Wow OBare, that happened to us too.... must be Chinese food! Our grandson did the same thing except we didn't discover it till after we got to the car.. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif . We did not go back to that place for a loooooooong time! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Confusius Say: Boss like diaper....all over a** and full of s**t! lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

hw, you must'a thought when it said "6 to 10 pounds" on the diaper box that meant how much it would hold...

[hw]

And how much do fish know about diapers? Depends!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Oh, now we are making fun of my incontinence!! Oh the agony!!!!

You know fish have very small bladders you know!! When our bladders get full, we often repeat ourselves when our bladders are full. Anyway, when you are out swimming in the ocean, and you swallow some water, you don't want it to be polluted with a bunch of fish urine, do you? Do you?? I thought not...

Besides, we fish like to pamper ourselves too...so come over here and give me a huggie!!!!

[hw]

Hold "it" right there Gamblefish... no you gotta hold it till we find a rest room! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif
I don't have any extra diapers for you, but it seems there a big loaded one on another thread. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif
Hope this helps you hold your water! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

LOL...Nope, sorry, my water just broke from laughter...

[gamblefish]

Now, I know you probably think I can't hit the pot without getting it all over the seat. Truth is, I've had great aim ever since I was a little hatchling...
http://home.neo.rr.com/gamblefish/macho5.jpg

[stevenf64]

Hey GF
just sitting here (between laughs) wondering how do you tell when a fish is going??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[gamblefish]

That's a very good question, steven. I will try to give you an honest answer.

If you are very close to the fish, then you will notice a sudden sensation of warm water. Of course, this isn't really water at all...

If you are not close to the offending party, it is much harder. Look at the face. There is usually a faraway look to the eyes, or a look of concentration when the fish appears to be doing nothing. But he's doing something alright. Oh, he's doing something!!

I hope this satisfies your morbid curiosity...next week's lesson: "How to sex a mackerel".

Now, on a side note, when I was a kid, and peed in the neighbor's pool, like all kids (and most adults) do, I had this thought:

What if someone invented a chemical that could be added to the pool water that reacted with urine in such a way that if someone peed in the pool the pee would turn like a dark blue color and then everyone would know that you just peed in the pool? I think there would be a big market for such a product, don't you? If you invent such a product, please send my royalties to:

The pond behind the dumpster behind Taco Bell...

[stevenf64]

GF wrote
/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

"Now, on a side note, when I was a kid, and peed in the neighbor's pool, like all kids (and most adults) do, I had this thought:"

I thought goats had kids. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif fish have tadpoles no wait thats frogs. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Fish have caveiar. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

PS "I had this thought"
It must have been really lonely if thats the only thought you had. How long since the last thought. Just curious hahahehe /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Steve(side thought GF we all love ya) /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

[gamblefish]

Great Googly Moogly steven, you're(in) right!!

I should have said "hatchling"...good catch (of the day)...

And as for my one thought, yes, it was very lonely. Butt ya gotta remember, the brain in my head is like a bb in a boxcar...my next thought didn't come until just now. Here it is:

If olive oil is made from olives, and fish oil made from fish (ouchie!), where does baby oil come from?

[hw]

Ummmm...Fish, I hate to break it to you, but there is a chemical that is added to swimming pools that can detect urine. Been around for along time. I don't think it turns the water blue as most pool water looks blue anyway. Now leaving floaters is another matter entirely! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Baby oil is a real mystery...but my question is how do they determine if the olive oil is virgin or extra virgin!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

Oh crap, that figures. My first big invention and someone already stole it!! Blast!!

I still think it would be funny if the water turned dark blue (not pool-water blue, hw, you nut!) or bright pink or black or something. Then we could all point and say, "Look!! Johnny just peed in the pool!! Everybody get out, quick!!".

Unless you're into that kind of thing. Fish really don't care one way or the other. But it still would be funny...

[hw]

Well, Gamblefish....how about Lemon Yellow, or "Golden" if you will...? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Suntied]

With modern technoligy the way it is, I think the pee-ee should have to be de-pants by a cloth eating chemical with certain molecular de-hancers (instead of inhancers) causing scales, gills and fins to form in areas that that are not already present (Guess that leaves you out G-fish). You see, I would be protected from this chemical as in:
1) I don't wear pants, and
2) I like getting out of the pool to pee... it's a nice breezy feeling.

I'm on my way to the labratory to see what I can come up with. I'm sure it will be something... wish I had a brillo pad.

[hw]

Suntied... you crazy guy..sure is nice to hear your voices too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Hope you can find a brillo pad in the lab, but if not you might find one in the PM's! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif