Nude Jokes

[EricNY]

A guy joined a nudist club and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half.

A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.

A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look to big

[EricNY]

A guy joined a nudist club and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half.

A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.

A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look to big

[EricNY]

Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?

Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.

Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

An elderly lady called the police to her home about a man sunning himself nude in his back yard.

When the officer arrived she took him to her back yard and to a step ladder that was near a tall fence.

"It's so shameful what's he's doing, lying there with no clothes on!" said the lady.

"I can't see over the fence," said the officer, "so what's the problem?"

"Well," replied the lady, "you have to climb up on the ladder and use these binoculars, and then you can see him clearly!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

Charlie had just joined the police when he was assigned to duty at a south Florida nudist resort.

That night he reported back to the precinct house.

"Well," asked the Sergeant, "how's it goin'?"

"Real good!" replied Charlie. " 'Cept'n this here badge is killin' me!"

[EricNY]

Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair.

[EricNY]

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen," The lady replied.

"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist -- you just don't have time to get dressed!"

[bigbird]

30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird

[gamblefish]

Of course, with a name like bigbird, you never hear any of those... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

One hot day a man steps out of the shower and says to his wife, "Honey, it is just too hot to put on clothes today, what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this today?".

She replied,"That I married you for your money...".

[bigbird]

I WAS going for the sesame street reference, but should any buxom blondes show up, we won't mention this fact.

[gamblefish]

My lips are sealed...mmph!! mmmmmmpppppppphh!!

BTW: Please help make the connection betwixt sesame street and van gogh...mmph!!

[hw]

Gamblefish, Is betwixt a word? That's right, it's an Elmer Fudd thing..........BTW, My van go everywhere I do and we usually do have someone from Sesame Street riding in there too, or is that Sponge Bob? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
Gamblefish, Is betwixt a word? That's right, it's an Elmer Fudd thing..........BTW, My van go everywhere I do and we usually do have someone from Sesame Street riding in there too, or is that Sponge Bob? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I bet your van don't gogh without degas...

Speaking of Sponge Bob (hey, whoever heard of anyone living in a pineapple anyway?)...How low do you think sea-level would be if there were no sponges...

[EricNY]

Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?


A: How do you drink water with that?

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed.

After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. 'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my God! I'm too late!'

[EricNY]

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked.

All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.

"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran." /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Good ones ercNY!!!
_________________________________________________
GF, yeah my van do need dagas, luckily I have an abudant supply with nudeM, and a teenage boy!
_________________________________________________
If there were no sponges I guess I'd be living in another state of mind! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif No voices!

[EricNY]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

'It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''

[EricNY]

How To Shower Like A Woman...

* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.

* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.

* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

* Turn off shower.

* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.

* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.

* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.

* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

[EricNY]

How To Shower Like A Man...

* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.

* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.

* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.

* Wash your face.

* Wash your armpits.

* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

* Wash your privates and surronding area.

* Wash your ***, leaving hair on the soap bar.

* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.

* Make a shampoo Mohawk.

* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

* Pee (in the shower).

* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

* Partially dry off.

* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18". Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.

* Leave bathroom light and fan on.

* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.

* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

[hw]

ercNY.....How do you STRATCH your balls? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
ercNY.....How do you STRATCH your balls? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well....With a ball stratcher..of course!!

[hw]

ercNY ........Do they sell ball stratchers in stores, or must they be special ordered? I'm thinking of giving one to nudeM for his birthday.........suit! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
ercNY ........Do they sell ball stratchers in stores, or must they be special ordered? I'm thinking of giving one to nudeM for his birthday.........suit! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh they are a special order all right, very expensive......or you can make one.

All you need to make one is: a crowbar,two dozen eggs,six ballons, and a monkey. You can get instructions at the official website- www.ballstracher.com (http://ballstratcher.com)

[hw]

ercNY...Is there any spanking involved with the monkey? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

I dunno you will have to ask the monkey....just make sure you have a firm grip on the crowbar, and watch the eggs

[hw]

ercNY....does your monkey talk? Or is it just the voices? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hw:
ercNY....does your monkey talk? Or is it just the voices? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes ..yes it does. Don't they all?

[hw]

OMG.........my voice is now a ventriloquist!!!
I'ts coming out of ercNY's monkey! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

HAA ha A monkey ventriloquist...haaa...I saw your lips move...haaaaaa haaaa and look where your hand is /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[shãybare]

Hey ercNY, was those small, medium or large eggs? I don't think mine turned out right and how do you get the dang monkey off your back? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[gamblefish]

See what ya started ercNY? Now everyone wants a ball stratcher.

Hey, are you sure you don't mean ball stretcher?

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gamblefish:
See what ya started ercNY? Now everyone wants a ball stratcher.

Hey, are you sure you don't mean ball stretcher? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh come on Gamblefish WHO ever heard of a ball STRETCHER. ...I mean really....geeeez /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[EricNY]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shaybare:
Hey ercNY, was those small, medium or large eggs? I don't think mine turned out right and how do you get the dang monkey off your back? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Actually Shaybare you need Osh Kosh midget jack-a-lope eggs...sorry should have been more specific....oh and I hope you have better luck with your monkey than I have with mine. Never figured out that monkey back removal thing.

[hw]

The best way to remove a monkey is just shoot it after you spanked it awhile. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[EricNY]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[hw]

Good monkey joke....ercNY. Is your monkey still talking to you? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[gamblefish]

I bet not. ercNY tried that ball whatever-the-hell-it-is thingy on him and now he just isn't the same monkey...

[EricNY]

........I did now he is a hamster....go figure /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[hw]

Gamblefish what are we gonna do? Those voices have gone clear to NY just to bug erc! I think you're right, everyone on forums wants to be us.
*************************************************
ercNY........monkey-hampsters can be very dangerous....please be careful. They do respond well to fish flavored tuna on rye. Or leave them a trail of GF's underwear...they'd follow that stench anywhere. Have a cage ready........ /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Naturist Mark]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ercNY:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It's cute, but how can you breathe through it?

[gamblefish]

The voices are inter-statial (not to be confused with interstitial, although they can be that too). They know no master, they know no bounds. They have no taste, they have no class. They are all seeing, all knowing, all encompassing, all american, all state champs, all my children...

Now, what the hell was my point?

[hw]

GF, are you a politician? Maybe you should think about it....you make as much sense, just funnier! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Suntied]

The point is on the top of erc's monkey's head... I think he is giving you the finger!

[Suntied]

Politician my a**, he's the dang gone president! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

I guess this is the right place for jokes huh? Was this post hijacked with the running monkey dialogue? I guess I'll stay here....don't want to be accused of hijacking any post. Anyway, florida-david got the message loud and clear! Dang, I did it again....sorry no joke in this post! /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

[hw]

This is a joke for women only... if you are a man please don't read this. I don't want any tightwad sticks getting in the wrong threads again.

Mammogram Exercises-How to Prepare for Mammogramm

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test...and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your own home!

Exercise One:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut door as hard as possible and lean on door for good measure. Hold position for five seconds. Repeat with other breast. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't enough.

Exercise Two:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect! Lie naked on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Repeat with other breast.

Exercise Three:
Freeze two metal book ends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat with other breast. Set up appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Now you are totally prepared!!

Just a thought ladies:
MENtal illness, MENstral cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause......
Ever notice how all women's problems start with MEN?
And when we have real trouble it's...HISterectomy. lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[florida-david]

hw you funny, i laughed /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Floridadavid.. Did you read the top of the post? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif OK, just wondering. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif This joke was brought to you compliments of my mother.... who is BTW, just as crazy as I am. She talks to the voices, and sings with them too! /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif
Now back to the topic, Did you hear the one about the giant sucking noise coming from... wait a minute, the voices just took off with the punch-line! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif lol

[stevenf64]

hw
I know the post is for women /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif but I think i saw a trend in the last paragraph. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif what your saying is that men invented everything in the world. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif
ps funny but what are you doing in a mans garage at 3 in the morning? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

[hw]

Stevenf64....I actually said your garage, so what was I doing in your garage at 3 in the morning? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I won't tell if you won't tell! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I would have said my garage, but I haven't been able to park a car in there for at least 15 years or more! (ask nudeM why). /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
Now that you MENtion it.... did you know computers have been around since the begining of time? Eve had an Apple, Adam had a Wang! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif lol

[missouriboy]

A woman (was it hw?) once told me PMS means "Problems Men Start."

[missouriboy]

Nude Jokes?

How do you determine the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down its genes!

[stevenf64]

hw ROFLMAO /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[hw]

Missouriboy.....I have a t-shirt that has PMS in caps letters....in small print are the rest of the words: utting up with en's hit! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

With my wife 2 daughters and a neice living in the same house...Im up to my neck with P..M..S..!Sorry..No Joke..Off Topic /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

HW ...You forgot the small letters wo...There is definitely wo for men in P..__ /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif M..S..

[hw]

ODbare.... I'd say you were right-on topic as this is Off Topic Fun Stuff. There is no woom for wo in men for PMS. Speaking of witch /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif , sorry about your bad luck... sharing a home with all that PMS flying around! I feel so sorry for you,(can you hear the violins?). /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Here's my advice: chocolate and beer. Give the women chocolate and you drink the beer, before you wake up from passing out it'll all be over! lol Hope you have a great day!
PS...Like your picture, was that taken during a Full Moon? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

I always thought PMS stood for Punish My Spouse...

HW...Actually I guess you'd call it a 3 quarter moon.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw ..Oh and I forgot to thank you for the advice on dealing with PMS.Only problem is I cant stand beer...Yuk..I do buy it though and pass it out to the slugs and snails in my garden...They seem to enjoy it before they drown in it.Have you ever tried to separate 2 snails in the throws of passion?...They are hermaphroditic....very interesting....Hmmmmmm..No nude joke ...but it is off topic FUN stuff /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Oh and one more thing Hw....Its Obare...O.B.a.r.e...Not ODbare...Makes me sound like I'm some sickly color naked or on drugs...Please watch that on future replies..If I ever say anything again worth replying to. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

I'm sorry outdoorbare.... or is it Obare.... or Ohair /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Oh wait , I think we discussed hair earlier in another post. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I was trying to shorten your name, (I like to shorten things), I now know how you like to shorten it.... please forgive my ignorance. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I know what you mean about beer! Snails and slugs always go for the stuff though. My preferred method of dealing with those pesky little critters is salt. I have never tried to seprate them in the middle of.....never mind.
Now if you want to know more about nudeM's recipe for "Snails the other/other White Meat", shells and all, you should ask him! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif crunch, crunch, crunch.....lol /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[gamblefish]

O'bare? Well, you can't be Irish because you don't like beer...

[chuckie30]

Hey outdoobare, U have a wife two daughters and a neice living with you? You have surround sound for free!!!! lucky bugger........ /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Oh Yeah Chuckie Im lucky all right...lucky I've lost my hearing in one ear...I do get a word in once in a while...I think its scheduled for next Wednesday... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Oh ...and another thing Chuckie...have you been taking lessons from Hw?...Outdoobare??? Hmmmmm...Is doo someting I do when I'm bare and gotta go out in the woods?.... Guess I'm gonna hafta change my name.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[chuckie30]

Thats what u get for the long nick, lotsa typos, lol.

see ya soon outdoobare

[hw]

Gee guys, am I that bad, or good? My voices are traveling the world via the computer? Chuckie go with it. It's more fun than a barrel full of ercNY monkeys. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif OBare you listen too, just another female voice for you! Don't forget the chocolate! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Hw... Sorry With my hearing problem I cant hear the voices...all I get is ringing. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[hw]

Huh? Oh yeah... OBare...that ringing is the phone. Would you please answer it? It's probably one of those telemarketers trying to sell you something...don't buy it... If it doesn't come from my voice, it's a rip-off. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Hope you have a great day! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

Nude jokes...
What is a nudist favorite food?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
Green salad........no dressing, of course! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[hw]

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[nacktman]

What do Ghosts and Nudists have in common?

They're both barely there! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif

[Garry]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by nacktman:
What do Ghosts and Nudists have in common?

They're both barely there! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/tongue.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

That's SSSOOO bad its funny! http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/freak.gif

Jr.

[johny]

A joke from today`s newspaper. I hope it isnt hurting someone. At least its not intended so.

::The black skinned family man is buying the brand new (and shiny black) Mercedes and is calling his wife to tell his joy. Wife asks - what a colour has this new car?
Man answers - exactly as You wished darling, the skin colour....

[Pieguy]

A hole was found one morning in the wall surrounding one nudist resort. Said a police spokesman, "We'll have to look into it."
*pause for laughs*
The next day, a little boy and girl were outside the hole. The boy was looking in. "What do you see?" asked the girl. "Naked people," replied the boy.
"Men or women?"
"I can't tell, they've got no clothes on."

[Rebecca]

Nice jokes guys http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/yes.gif

[Tampanude]

Not sure if this was submitted yet (long thread)

How can you tell who the best man is at a nudist wedding?


Well,,, Duhhhh

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/rolleyes2.gif

[NakedGary]

Tampanude

You can't! always tell; Some states its legal for homosexuals to marry.

[missouriboy]

I heard it's the guy who can bring back two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts in a single trip.

[David77]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of

<span class="ev_code_RED">Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H </span> .

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[NakedGary]

good one but I think you meant to put down NSA verses the Space Agencey NASA.

Link to - U.S. Govt. NSA National Security Agency (http://www.nsa.gov/)

[David77]

Naked Gary,
Thanks. The correction has been made.

[johny]

This is about
How nudist AND OTHER email groups tend to work:

---------------------------

How many nudists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the
correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety
including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

and

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with
something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over
again!

thanks to "Don & Peggy"

[shãybare]

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/cool4.gif
ROTFLMAO! That is so real it is almost unfunny. Nevertheless my side is splitting. Great job.

[OZJames]

IDEAS for a NUDIST FANCY DRESS PARTY copied from a blogsite www.robyule.com (http://www.robyule.com)

"When you think of themes for a nudist party, the list is very small and the porn is a little obvious. Most if not all themed parties have clothes as a big part. One big hitter in this region is Fancy Dress parties, the whole point of which is to dress up… in clothes, something the ordinary nudist is opposed to. Now retards would suggest clear costumes that are only tinted with colours to suggest the theme of the costume, well as said at the start these people are retards.

So what can nudists wanting to have a fancy dress party do? I hear you ask, well it’s simply really: Dress up your naught bits! Thats right only dress up your genitals. Slip a miniture chicken suit over your wang, Paint the top half green and the lower purple, get an action figure, take the arms off and paint them, the apply.. your trouser snake is now the Hulk. Trouser Snake, there is another one, the list goes on.

Now, I hear all the ladies saying “That’s great for the guys, what am I gonna do with no convient appendage to dress up?”. Well, like the good book says ‘Don’t panic’, Uncle Rob is here to help. Get a d**** strap it on, your now a guy. Get a mask chop the chin in half, paint it up all Cuban style, attach a green hat to the top, place all this just above ya bush.. hey presto your Castro. Get a set of false teeth insert them into your honey pot with the front teeth just out, your beaver is now a man-hood eater. Beaver there is another one, ladies it’s harder but once you crack (s******) the problem once, you’ll find a world of ideas out there.

This theory can be applied to other parties as well; Masquerade Balls, mask for the face, mask for the naughty bits. Pimps and Pros, blink up your wang or tart up your ****. Pyjama Parties, miniture boxers or nighties. The list goes on and on. I’m neither a nudist or a party organiser, but if I was, I would probably go for the Pimps and Pros party."

http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif <span class="ev_code_RED">JAMES</span> http://oakhurstonline.com/icon/beam.gif

[nacktman]

here's an oldie but a goodie.

* Moderator "NG" edited and re-posted attached non © image/cartoon & removed URL due to adult and sexual content on site.