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Is there a magic way to convert the reluctant spouses?

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  • Is there a magic way to convert the reluctant spouses?

    The answer to this one - probably "NO". An important discussion topic.

    I'm bringing an old but important topic to the front page --- If you are in the serious dating/courting stage -- and you are a nudist guy - GET THIS OUT INTO THE OPEN. While you're dating. Before you commit. Otherwise it very likely will be an issue of conflict after you take that walk down the aisle.

    If you already ARE married and discover nudism - and find that your wife doesn't like it, or doesn't want to do it .... your nudism may set up a serious set of conflicts with negative consequences. Although there have been people whose wives have "converted" -- it's rare. I think I have met THREE in my day -- and many times more than that who have NOT come over to nudism (if the husbands tell their wives about it at all).

    Do not expect help from existing nudists. Other than general advice - for the most part, we don't have any answers that work.

    We do not know your wife or girlfriend as well as you know her. I regret to say this but after decades in nudism, I've come to accept that there is no deep secret that gets women to accept nudism. I have also come to accept that social nudism is not for everyone.

    There are no magic words, there is no magic wand. Yes, there are brochures, and there even were some movies made. But no - we don't have the solution. If there was a miraculous way to "convert your wife" -- our nudist parks would be overflowing with couples who want to try it out.

    I might add - ASA / AANR has been trying to figure this one out for 70+ years. TNS has been trying the same for around 25. Before that, the NNC did so. A lot of good people with a lot of good thoughts. But still, no solutions.

    If you have the solution - SHARE IT. It is nice to read some of these success stories. I sure as hell don't have answers.. I was on a reluctant partner Yahoo group for several years, invited in as a nudist advisor, and got out primarily because all I saw was frustration and obsession. Some guys left the group because they realized their nudist desires were straining their relationships. And I say "good for them". They put marriage ahead of the nudism.

    I also saw some things that weren't right - most notably men actually praying to God for their wives' "conversions"; guys whose wives had encountered serious abuse earlier in their lives and the men thought "if she goes to the nudist park it will cure her" , etc. etc.

    Again - if your wife accepted nudism for herself, and as a couple, I am very happy for you. But for those gentlemen whose wives balk - don't get your hopes up.

  • #2
    I have to consider myself very fortunate that the lady I met about a year ago is comfortable with being nude and she has a good understanding of what nudism is and why we like to be nude when we can.

    But I can imagine there is some sort of a range of acceptance amongst people as everyone's personality is different and there are alotta different ways people are likely to perceive things. Lurk has the best suggestion, in that, early on in the beginning stages of a new relationship is the best time to lay that nudist card on the table. That way there are no surprises of that sort down the road.

    Perception is everything. some folks are likely to be more receptive than others but at some point you have to play that Nudist card and most likely the best time to play it is early on in the introductory stages of a great new relationship that you would hope to last a lifetime.

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    • #3
      I too have spent a lot of time monitoring this issue and there is maybe a 5% chance or less that if your partner is against nudity, there is not much chance she is going to change. Yes, you read accounts of some "miracle" conversions, but trust me, these are very rare. I am in a marriage with a no way no how partner. She will use the pool and hot tub nude with me and me alone, but will not tolerate me being nude all day if I want. When she makes cracks about me being nudist, she means it in a negative way. She is a sexual abuse survivor who has had her mind poisoned as a result when it comes to nudity. I have given her things to read and made my attempts to talk to her about it, but she will not budge. I have come to accept it.

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      • #4
        Yup. Traumatic experiences in one's past can have a devastating affect that tends to last a lifetime because memories of the traumatic experience tend to stay etched within the victim's conscious and subconscious and that can be the main thing that closes the door on many future opportunities to enjoy many of the best things in life, such as nudism.

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        • #5
          ~~Hypnosis?!?

          I've shared accounts of my x's conversion many times. I've explained my approach in this forum and others; for some it has worked, for others not so much. Because no matter how rational or scientific my approach was, we're dealing with the female psyche here...

          And to be honest, I had several factors playing in my favor:

          - We were a young couple. When you've been married many years, suddenly springing nudism on your wife of umpteen years can and may result in a "WTF?" response. I can actually understand the wife's perspective here.

          - She'd grown up in a nudity-friendly home. By that I mean that while growing up, her and her Mom would leave bedroom doors open while changing, chat while in different modes of dress/undress, share the bathroom. So at least she could conceptualize an openly nude environment. Contrast this with a wife who has rarely or never been openly nude in front of...anyone. The concept of social nudity might be alien, if not absurd; if not morally ambiguous.

          - She had some nudist help. Eventually, I got my reluctant wife to attend a non-landed event, which she was very reluctant to attend. Once there, she was befriended by a group of fun and friendly nudist ladies. She ended up having a lot of fun; and felt so comfortable that she ended up nude. I saw her a little while later (I was outside with the guys) emerging from the house, happily nude and obviously having a blast. But the fact is I had little to do with her "final" conversion; she'd found herself a support group of nudist women that had enabled her sudden and unexpected comfort with social nudity. But then, for someone who can't even get their wife to take a first step, getting a nudist support network to help their wife can turn into a pipe dream.

          Getting a proper alignment of positive factors is truly the hard part. They're easier to achieve for some couples than many others. There lies the pickle...

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          • #6
            I have been on 2 dating sites. On eHarmony, you send questions back and forth a few time, and then you get to mail your match if you pay the fee. I have been getting into the habit of mentioning that I was a nudist in my questions and answers. About 60% either stop communicating with me or politely say it is not for them. On OKCupid, there is nothing like the question format. You just mail them directly. I do mention to my matches that I'm a nudist when I think it is not "forced" in the conversation. At least I know from the get go what my dates think about nudism.

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            • #7
              Kouak,

              I have not been "single" for over 43 years. I had a very brief relationship with one lady, and that ended, and I met my wife at age 20, and we have been partnered for 43 years, married for 41.

              So, a disclaimer - I'm not on the dating scene, and have never given much thought to what would happen if I were.

              BUT - nudism is one of those things that people might consider to be ODD. If I were dating, I would probably not reveal that part of my life until I got to know someone.

              I might have a close enough, trusting relationship with someone BEFORE I divulged that part of my life to her. There are two things that COULD come out of this -

              - she may like / love / respect / have enough confidence in me to accept that as a part of me, it is what I like to do, she might want to try it for herself. The vibes may be strong enough where she's willing to experiment with the idea *OR*

              - I may like / love / respect / have enough confidence in HER to accept that she may not want to do it, yet, my feelings for her may be sufficient enough for me to give up that part of my life to keep the relationship going. In fact, this is what happens with reluctant spouses... the vibes may be strong enough where I'd be willing to sacrifice nudism to keep the relationship.

              OTOH - I would not write "I am a nudist" in my first contact.

              May I ask, how many dates did you have through the dating sites AFTER you said "I'm a nudist"? Can you answer that? Thanks

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              • #8
                I don't think there is. The only thing is that for someone whose girlfriend may be reluctant, is that in somewhere such as Germany where it is expected, it may be easier, especially as most saunas/spas have around 60% of those going to be women.

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                • #9
                  I'm not opposed to bribery.

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                  • #10
                    Let me say... I love my wife, but I have probably heard every objection to nudism that woman can think of.. and more. Everything from personal body issues to morality issues, legal issues, obscenity... I dont like the heat, cant stay in the sun... also as a medical professional, she says nudism violates a code of conduct (what???).. and Jewish women do not do this... and it goes on and on. I have stopped asking or listening years ago.

                    Fortunately she does not object, and even encourages me to follow my interest in nudism and only asks that it does not become excessive or an obsession. Obviously she would prefer that I NOT find a female "friend" to spend my resort time with! For me, there is no magic or any other way to convert my reluctant wife.

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                    • #11
                      I've found there are two types of non-nudist spouses (in general.) There's the reluctant spouse and the adverse spouse.

                      The reluctant spouse is usually at least open-minded or even curious about social nudity. But she (and I say "she" because it's most often the woman) often feels that it's just not for her; either she is reluctant to be seen nude by other people, or is reluctant to be around nude people (or both.) The advantage of the reluctant spouse is that conversation/debate is still usually possible. It's just a matter of "normalizing" the idea of social nudity in her mind. Many nudist wives started out as reluctant; but one way or the other came to terms with the reality and positive aspects of being socially nude.

                      The adverse spouse is a much more complex situation. She feels that social nudity is just wrong; at least for her. As a matter of fact that idea is so ingrained in her mind that conversation becomes impossible. Sometimes there is no real explanation or logic behind it; so reasons may often be vague or different depending on what argument is presented. The adverse spouse may often be impossible to "convert"; because the opposition to social nudity may come from a deep emotional aversion.

                      If you have an adverse spouse, it's often a losing battle.

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                      • #12
                        Convert a reluctant spouse ... sure, it's not only possible, it's been done too many times to count. Is there "a magic way" to do this; yup ... the magic of "patience." Far too many times guys with "reluctant" spouses want to hit the home and social nudism road hard and fast. I've read where guys have convinced their wife's to sleep nude and maybe sit around and watch TV, once in a while, and then ... BOOM ... lets go to a resort or club and start socializing! They've just taken her out of her comfort zone of the bedroom and house and right into being naked with a couple hundred people. If you haven't lost her after that ... you've at least set the whole idea back a few years!

                        I've written about this time and time again. Start slow, start at home, once "she" is sleeping, doing chores, cooking, relaxing around the house naked a far amount of time ... if possible, take it outside to a private backyard. If that's not possible, the next step is a beach or clothing optional club. Someplace where you and she can sit away from everyone so she can watch all that goes on. Be prepared to pack up and leave if she has had enough. She may have had enough for that visit but will entertain another visit in the future. GO Back to focusing on "home nudity" and don't pressure her to revisit the social scene.

                        Keep the lines of communication open. Honest, open conversation about the subject is crucial but don't force it. If she doesn't feel like talking about it, let it go and revisit another time. ALL OF THIS depends on her willingness to talk, be open and honest and for you to really listen to what her fears, concerns and misconceptions might be. Don't down play those things but address each of them with respect and sincerity.

                        Those of us with a willing, participating nudist wife have probably had to revisit the drawing board at one time or another. It's a fact of this lifestyle!

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                        • #13
                          We've introduced many "reluctant spouses"(both male and female) to naturism over the years. The key seems to be open same gender and same age conversations before any outing, and then to go as a group so that the old-timers can kind of be role models of nonchalance and support, but otherwise no pressure. Also, we try to go first time to places where and when we know there will be other peers and, when possible, alert others that we're bringing nubies so we can introduce them and maybe get them involved in some activity.

                          Our most challenging success this summer was with two teen daughters of South American friends. A teen daughter of regulars very kindly agreed to chat before and then introduce them around once at the beach. Back every day afterwards, they seemed to have had a great time during their holiday week!

                          In general, spousal cajoling rarely works, but with peer support, we find that women, maybe because of more preconceptions and pre-socialization to unlearn and hence maybe starting out as most "reluctant", end up being the quickest to sense and appreciate the naturist difference, to reconnect with their inner child and discard adult worries, and to really enjoy the relaxed friendly atmosphere that naturism offers.

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                          • #14
                            The two steps discusses by Fireprof and Agde, are IMHO, important and complimentary steps. Preferably in chronological order.

                            I'll bring up my X again - whom I've already brought up a ridiculous amount of time - only because her path to nudism included the two above steps; in chronological order.
                            We started out being nude at home; gradually at first (mostly just me), and then more frequently. It took time but eventually she go used to my nudity, and began being more carefree about walking around the house nude after showering or between changing clothes. Sometime in between I started discussing social nudity; more frequently as time went on. She gradually became more receptive to listening and discussing social nudity; but she was reluctant to the idea of being socially nude. It became for me an exercise in addressing her fears, issues, in a receptive and understanding manner. Patiently. Over time she started contemplating giving it a try, under circumstances she could feel comfortable with. The idea of her staying completely covered and setting down rules on duration and location weren't exactly my idea of a great first try; but I had to be patient and understanding. The time it took for her to get to that point: over a year. For some people it takes longer; for others it's shorter.

                            I'll skip over the first couple of resort trips; they were a semi-success. She went nude but only under circumstances she was comfortable with (in isolation.)

                            A big turning point was at a nudist get-together she did not really want to attend. She found the idea of being nude with other people in a confined space too daunting. So she went in with her sarong firmly wrapped around her entire body. Up to that point she had been nude at the resort; but only around one or two people and in a fleeting manner. That had not really helped her totally embrace being socially nude.
                            She soon found herself in the midst of other nudist women. They immediately befriended her. I'm not sure exactly what conversations took place among them; all I know is that they managed to accomplish what I'd been unable to achieve by myself. Before I knew it she'd not only dropped her sarong; but she exuded a comfort socializing nude that I'd never expected. These women somehow managed to alleviate her fears; so much so that she showed no signs of embarrassment or discomfort socializing with everyone unabashedly nude. That was nothing short of amazing.

                            Not everyone is going to get that same experience. But if you line your cards right, the impossible may very well become a reality.

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                            • #15

                              Originally posted by Kouak View Post
                              I have been on 2 dating sites. On eHarmony, you send questions back and forth a few time, and then you get to mail your match if you pay the fee. I have been getting into the habit of mentioning that I was a nudist in my questions and answers. About 60% either stop communicating with me or politely say it is not for them. On OKCupid, there is nothing like the question format. You just mail them directly. I do mention to my matches that I'm a nudist when I think it is not "forced" in the conversation. At least I know from the get go what my dates think about nudism.


                              I hope I'm never in that position ... where I've lost my wife and are now out on the dating scene. BUT ... if I were to do it, you can bet that me being a nudist will be upfront. If any woman is not going to be open minded enough to accept that I enjoy being nude, visiting nude places and has trouble with that ... I don't need to spend all kinds of time trying to convince her otherwise. It's not something I want to have to work on all over again because although I've preached patience ... I don't honestly think I have THAT much patience to go through this all over again. I'd rather go at it solo. There are single nudist groups and I think I'd join one of them and who knows ... maybe find someone that would like me as a travel companion, close friend with benefits ... but like me, not interested in getting married all over again.

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