Here comes some more

[Cookie Monster]

How to keep a healthy level of INSANITY
1. At lunch time sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing motorists. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks ou to do something ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

7. Dont use any punctuation marks

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk

9. Ask people what sex thay are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"

11. Sing along at the opera

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems dont rhyme

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day

14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you cant attend their party because your not in the mood

15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

16. When the money comes out at the ATM, scream "I won, I won..third time this week"!

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!"

18. And my all time favorite:
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

Sorry for the long post, but aint life Grand?? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[Cookie Monster]

Many apoligies in advance should this offend, and if it should, then get over it LOL
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog I need that seat"
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said "You Americans, You are such a rude class of people. Cant you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? Im very tired."
The French Woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans, Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.....Imagine"
The American didnt say another word. He leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, Sir you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window!"

[img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[Cookie Monster]

Sorry the caffine is kicking into high gear today.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. Than tells her that he will sell it for $599.00 and no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds Its just .99 per word Well after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1.00 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and say's, "I want you to send her the word "COMFTABLE"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde, The word is big, She will read it slowly: COM-FOR-DA-BUL"

The cookie monster has left the building in search of more cookies [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif[/img]

[Cookie Monster]

Hey they edited my blonde joke, what is this the gong show? *****=female dog, not nasty word.

You guys are getting too serious, in this forum
I think that I am going to have to jump up and down and throw major temper tantrums.

Try as I might I still dont have the urge to leave this website for good, your all tooooooo much fun.

Peace to all and to all a good night [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[hw]

Good jokes Cookie Monster....they just don't want bad words on the forum so just insert a couple of these little doohickeys ** in the middle of the word. Most people can figure it out. (doohickeys is not a bad word, I don't even think it's a real word). [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
BYW.....The one where you tell the person at the drive thru window the order is to go...nudeM has done that for years! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[EricNY]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work, today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house" [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[TXK NUDE]

Is it just me, or some of these jokes repeating from thread to thread, or am I just re=reading and getting confused?

Some jokes do get repeated by different people. I've posted jokes, and then someone posted some of the same jokes. We're probably getting the jokes from the same Web site. I get mine so far from two different Web sites. I've noticed there are also different variations of the same joke. I posted one that had an old lady in it, and then I saw the same joke but with a young blonde. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[gamblefish]

Hey Jon-Marc, I saw this one and thought you'd get a kick out of it...Ouch, stop kicking me!! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

Denominational Light Bulb Changing (uh-oh, maybe I should have put this in the religion section)

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees
to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how
much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how
to do it.

Unitarians: Choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light
bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in
which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to Luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August
26. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Church of Christ: None. It's not in the New Testament.

Cumberland Presbyterian: Change? My grandfather put that light bulb in,
and it has worked fine. Why do we need a new one?

Amish: What's a light bulb?

That was very good, Gamblefish--especially the last one. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]