airplane maintenance

[a1922stanley]

After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the maintenance mechanics any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing for the pilot's review on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.


Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
-------------------------------------------------------


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[a1922stanley]

After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the maintenance mechanics any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing for the pilot's review on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.


Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
-------------------------------------------------------


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[hw]

Stan22....ROFLMAO! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[OZJames]

My computer CRASHED

[threadbare]

As my 2 year old says " more peas, more". My side hurts [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[hw]

Useful Military Warnings
-------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket
Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.
Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry
Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col.
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your
Buddies

(And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
U.S. Ammo Troop