Here's a couple for you

Cookie Monster · #1 03-17-2003, 08:42 AM

If you are bored and want to have some fun go to Walmart and:

*Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

*Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

*set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

*When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

*Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

*Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

*Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me, pick me".

*Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here".

*Get a card table and a bottle of suntan lotion, then get Naked and advertise for the suntan lotion company. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif[/img]
=================================================
*As the coals from our barbecue burned down, my husband passed out marshmellows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them... [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif[/img]

Cookie Monster · #2 03-17-2003, 08:42 AM

If you are bored and want to have some fun go to Walmart and:

*Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

*Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

*set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

*When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

*Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

*Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

*Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me, pick me".

*Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here".

*Get a card table and a bottle of suntan lotion, then get Naked and advertise for the suntan lotion company. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif[/img]
=================================================
*As the coals from our barbecue burned down, my husband passed out marshmellows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them... [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif[/img]

**EricNY** · #3 03-17-2003, 07:25 PM

Like it cookie, keep 'em coming.

Theres no toilet paper in here......hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah thats good! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

Aaron · #4 03-17-2003, 09:34 PM

cookie monster-
You have one of the funniest post I have ever seen in these forums. I sat on the phone with Bartimus as I read this post. I want to go try that alarm clock idea and sit back and watch it. Keep up the good humor man it's greatly appreciated on our end. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif[/img]

Cookie Monster · #5 03-18-2003, 04:28 AM

Well ok then if its more that you want then its more that you shall recieve...

First off my appologies in advance should I offend with this one, its all in fun.

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section, she looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells her that her seat is in coach, to which she tartly relpies " I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York"
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Pilot of the "Blonde problem". The pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back, briefly whispers something in the blondes ear and she immediatly gets up, says "thank you so much", hugs the pilot and rushes back to her seat in coach. The co-pilot and the attendant who were watching together ask the pilot what he had said to the woman and he simply repied "I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York". [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif[/img]

I am so glad that I am sitting behind a computer moniter, the rotten tomatoes dont hurt as bad when the audience throws them at me... [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif[/img]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me-I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman-clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers ino his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "That there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room" [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif[/img]

OUCH, I think I had better leave before I get someone starts throwing cyber-tomatoes... [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

wannabenaked2001 · #6 03-18-2003, 05:31 AM

No offence intended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand comparative criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom. (or maybe Suntied's mom)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the *****s on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t."

Rik · #7 03-18-2003, 06:07 AM

Went to the optician today. Guess who I bumped into..............bloody everyone!

Rik

#8 03-18-2003, 07:57 AM

Dicks lament....Has a head he cant think with ..Hangs around with 2 nuts all the time..His best friend is a ***** and whenever he gets excited he throws up... [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

nudist_in_Tn · #9 03-18-2003, 10:03 AM

Three priests were traveling to Pittsburg and they went into the ticket office to purchase tickets to their destination where they saw a very buxom young lady wearing a very low cut blouse and no bra, the first priest said you two wait here and I will get our tickets, so he went up to the lady and said Id like three tickets to titsburg realizing what he had said he blushed and excused himself and went back to the other two priests and said I just cant do it she is much too distracting, so the second priest went up to her and said Id like three tickets to Pittsburg and Id like my change in nipples and dimes, realizing what he had just said he blushed and excused himself and returned to the other two priests and said you were right she is much too distracting, so the third priest said I should have done this in the first place so he went up to the lady and said Id like three tickets to Pittsburg and Id like to have my change in nickels and dimes so she sold him the tickets and gave him his change in nickles and dimes, he thanked her and replied young lady when you get to heaven St. Finger is gonna shake his peter at you. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

**EricNY** · #10 03-18-2003, 11:17 AM

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,"You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train,found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please,lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired. "The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly.

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."