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  • Chili contest

    I got this a while back - Enjoy.


    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast:

    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted, this being one of the burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler afer a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will not pick a fight with her.

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded my back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said that her friends call her Sally. Probably behind her back they call her forklift.

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled – it's sort of cute.

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop screaming.

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous methane and corrosive flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked her if she wanted to go dancing later.

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My cloths are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 HELEN/S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
    Frank: Momma?

  • #2
    I got this a while back - Enjoy.


    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast:

    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted, this being one of the burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler afer a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will not pick a fight with her.

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded my back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said that her friends call her Sally. Probably behind her back they call her forklift.

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled – it's sort of cute.

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop screaming.

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous methane and corrosive flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked her if she wanted to go dancing later.

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My cloths are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 HELEN/S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
    Frank: Momma?

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    • #3
      Well, it's just as much fun the second time around, or the third, or the twentieth...And I'm not even from Texas!

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