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  • Bits of Wisdom?

    25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:

    1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

    2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

    3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

    5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it gain.

    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

  • #2
    25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:

    1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

    2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

    3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

    5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it gain.

    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    Comment


    • #3
      Wannabenaked 2001
      How true, How true! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

      Comment


      • #4
        Ditto wannabe...

        Hmmmmm, bits of wisdom...I think I'm gonna like this one.

        Here's one for the guys:

        It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained
        in heaven and earth to keep her that way.

        Comment


        • #5
          Bumper stickers
          17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a--hole.
          16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
          15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
          14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
          13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
          12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
          11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
          10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
          9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
          8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
          7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
          6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
          5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
          4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
          3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
          2. Hang up and drive!!
          AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!
          1. Welcome to America...now speak English [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif[/img]

          Comment


          • #6
            More bumpre stickers.

            Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

            All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

            Nobody's perfect. I'm nobody.

            My wife said, "If you go hunting or fishing one more time, I'm going to leave you." I'm sure going to miss her.

            Ask me about my vow of silence.

            Comment


            • #7
              wannabenake2001..............Those are priceless!
              Unless you actually purchase them for your bumper, then I guess they would be $3.99 plus tax. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

              Comment


              • #8
                Always trust your wife's judgement. After all, look who she married.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Bumper sticker:
                  Scratch 'em if you got 'em.

                  Things you should know:
                  When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment.
                  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.99 a minute.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    quote:
                    Originally posted by missouriboy:
                    [qb]Bumper sticker:
                    Scratch 'em if you got 'em.

                    Things you should know:
                    When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment.
                    When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.99 a minute.[/qb]
                    Wow, $4.99!! That's cheap!! Missouriboy, you gotta get me that number!!

                    Bit o' wisdom? (Is that a candy bar?)
                    Never step in anything soft.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Let's see, I had that number someplace...

                      Darn, can't find it, but I remember it starts out: 1-900...

                      Maybe someone can pick up where I left off?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I had a hat that had this written on it.

                        "Sex is a misdemeanor,
                        Da more I miss
                        De meanor I get!"

                        Steve

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          AS I MATURED I LEARNED

                          I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

                          I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a**holes.

                          I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

                          I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

                          I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.

                          I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

                          I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

                          I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

                          I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

                          I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

                          I've learned to say "F--- 'em" if they can't take a joke. Learned it in 6 languages. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Best bumper s n icker I can remember see was on the back of a land yacht (motor home), it said "FOLLOW ANY CLOSER-AND I'LL FLUSH" [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Some home remedies.......

                              1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup of boiling hot water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

                              2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

                              3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

                              4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

                              5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you'll forget about the tooth ache.

                              Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are...

                              1. You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't use duct tape.

                              2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, "I apologize" and "You are right".

                              3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

                              4. Never pass up the opportunity to potty.

                              5. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

                              6. Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

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