Puns - Called the lowest form of Humor - Add your favorite!

[usmc1]

If orange juice is made from oranges, and apple pie is made from apples--what are dog biscuits made from?
**********************************************
A young woman, a bit plain and homely and certainly quite shy was confiding in a friend that that she didn't think she would ever find her soul mate.

Her friend told her that she knew of a fortune teller and potion maker down in the quarters who had done miracles for another friend and that she would be glad to take her.

Excited, blushing and with heart rapidly beating, the poor young girl agreed and that Saturday morning found herself on a bus to a very seedy side of town.

As the bus passed junkyards, second-hand stores and pawn shops, and street corners with tough looking young men loitering about, she became more and more anxious.

When the bus stopped in a block of bombed out buildings with broken windows covered with plywood it was all she could do to get off with her friend. Were it not for her desperation, she would have continued on. But, life without a soul-mate seemed worse to her than any fate she would encounter on this lonely, dismal, dead-end street.

Across the street she saw a hand drawn sign nailed next to an open stairwell on a building side:

MADAME X - FORTUNES TOLD - POTIONS SOLD.

She and her friend crossed the street and ascended the stairs. Each flight becoming creakier, darker and more threatening with each step.

Finally they arrived on the fourth floor in front of a grimy door cracked open and with a handwritten sign, Mdme X - Enter here.

As they stepped into the room they encountered a large woman, at least 6'5" and 350 pounds in a floral house dress and a yellow bandana wrapped around her large head framing her round face. The woman was wildy laughing at the top of her lungs with several gold teeth flashing as the girls came into the room.

The young girl seeking the soul mate stepped quickly and resolutely up to the loudly laughing woman and slapped her across the face.

Her companion screamed, "My God, why did you do that?"

The girl replied, "My mother taught me I should always strike a happy medium".

[grl66]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold,he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again"

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.

I've changed."........
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

[nudenola]

I just purchased a new bare skin rug.......

[usmc1]

Aaaarrrgghh! My eyes, my eyes!

OK, just for that here's an old evergreen with many variations:

Some scientists discovered a way to make porposes live forever. It involved feeding them the eggs of young sea gulls. They found that the best birds were from the
Great Salt Lake.

So they got permission from the Great Salt Lake Authority, filled a big truck with young Salt Lake sea gulls, and headed home.

They had to drive past the city zoo, where a lion had just escaped. The lion ran right in front of the truck and got run over. Then the driver of the truck was cited by the police for transporting young gulls across a strayed lion for immortal porpoises.

[shomymojo]

quote:

Originally posted by nudenola:
I just purchased a new bare skin rug.......

....HEY...didn't I just see you at Mardi Gras a couple of weeks ago...LOL...

[grl66]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the Armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments b
before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"


WAIT! There's more



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless ampanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.


The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[grl66]

Two Olypians meet in the village. One turns to the other and says, "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

The other replies, "No, I'm German and how did you know my name was Vaulter?"

[alfredr]

Have you heard the story about the three holes in the ground?



Well, well, well.

[NekkidAl]

As for apple juice from apples and orange juice from oranges...

what about

...head cheese
...finger cookies
...infant formula???

[Naturist Mark]

quote:

As for apple juice from apples and orange juice from oranges...

what about

...head cheese
...finger cookies
...infant formula???

or ...
Girl Scout Cookies
Baby Oil
Italian Wedding Soup
...

[harveym]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After
carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made
it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to
buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this to
you!)

[harveym]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

13 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

14 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

15 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

[missouriboy]

quote:

12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Sounds like Steven Wright. Another one: "I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy 'em again."

[usmc1]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one. "She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there." If you' re not sure what a 710 is, Click Here:

http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[Walt Iliff]

Many years ago I came up with this one.


I always thought it would be interesting to manufacture a hot dog made from venison. It could be called.....Frankly, my deer.

Walt