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Puns - Called the lowest form of Humor - Add your favorite!

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  • usmc1
    replied
    Oh boy, a new pun!

    A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

    The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day.

    That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly, proclaiming...
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > (are you ready for this?)
    > >
    > >



    > >
    "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

    Leave a comment:


  • OZJames
    replied
    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Walt Iliff
    replied
    Many years ago I came up with this one.


    I always thought it would be interesting to manufacture a hot dog made from venison. It could be called.....Frankly, my deer.

    Walt

    Leave a comment:


  • usmc1
    replied
    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one. "She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there." If you' re not sure what a 710 is, Click Here:

    http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

    Leave a comment:


  • missouriboy
    replied
    quote:
    12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
    Sounds like Steven Wright. Another one: "I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy 'em again."

    Leave a comment:


  • harveym
    replied
    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    13 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

    14 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    15 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    16 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


    BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

    Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
    passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
    chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
    Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
    little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

    Leave a comment:


  • harveym
    replied
    A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After
    carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made
    it safely to his van.

    However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
    gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
    an obvious error, he replied:
    "Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to
    buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

    (And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this to
    you!)

    Leave a comment:


  • Naturist Mark
    replied
    quote:
    As for apple juice from apples and orange juice from oranges...

    what about

    ...head cheese
    ...finger cookies
    ...infant formula???

    or ...
    Girl Scout Cookies
    Baby Oil
    Italian Wedding Soup
    ...

    Leave a comment:


  • NekkidAl
    replied
    As for apple juice from apples and orange juice from oranges...

    what about

    ...head cheese
    ...finger cookies
    ...infant formula???

    Leave a comment:


  • alfredr
    replied
    Have you heard the story about the three holes in the ground?



    Well, well, well.

    Leave a comment:


  • grl66
    replied
    Two Olypians meet in the village. One turns to the other and says, "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

    The other replies, "No, I'm German and how did you know my name was Vaulter?"

    Leave a comment:


  • grl66
    replied
    After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

    The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

    After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

    The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

    The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

    But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the Armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments b
    before.

    As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"


    WAIT! There's more



    The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless ampanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.


    The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

    The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

    Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

    "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

    Leave a comment:


  • shomymojo
    replied
    quote:
    Originally posted by nudenola:
    I just purchased a new bare skin rug.......
    ....HEY...didn't I just see you at Mardi Gras a couple of weeks ago...LOL...

    Leave a comment:


  • usmc1
    replied
    Aaaarrrgghh! My eyes, my eyes!

    OK, just for that here's an old evergreen with many variations:

    Some scientists discovered a way to make porposes live forever. It involved feeding them the eggs of young sea gulls. They found that the best birds were from the
    Great Salt Lake.

    So they got permission from the Great Salt Lake Authority, filled a big truck with young Salt Lake sea gulls, and headed home.

    They had to drive past the city zoo, where a lion had just escaped. The lion ran right in front of the truck and got run over. Then the driver of the truck was cited by the police for transporting young gulls across a strayed lion for immortal porpoises.

    Leave a comment:


  • nudenola
    replied
    I just purchased a new bare skin rug.......

    Leave a comment:

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