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Antipodean humour

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  • Antipodean humour

    A kiwi guy moved to Australia & bought a koala from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day. Come morning, the farmer drove up & said, "Sorry mate, but I got some bad news. The koala died."

    The Kiwi says "Well then, just give me my money back."

    "Can't do that. I went & spent it already."

    "OK then, just give me the koala anyway."

    "What ya gonna do with em?"

    "I'm gonna raffle him off."

    "Ya can't raffle off a dead koala!"

    "Sure I can bro. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

    A month later the farmer met up with the kiwi guy again & asked, " Mate, what happened with the dead koala?"

    "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 a piece & made a profit of $998."

    "Didn't anyone complain?"

    "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

  • #2
    A kiwi guy moved to Australia & bought a koala from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day. Come morning, the farmer drove up & said, "Sorry mate, but I got some bad news. The koala died."

    The Kiwi says "Well then, just give me my money back."

    "Can't do that. I went & spent it already."

    "OK then, just give me the koala anyway."

    "What ya gonna do with em?"

    "I'm gonna raffle him off."

    "Ya can't raffle off a dead koala!"

    "Sure I can bro. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

    A month later the farmer met up with the kiwi guy again & asked, " Mate, what happened with the dead koala?"

    "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 a piece & made a profit of $998."

    "Didn't anyone complain?"

    "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

    Comment


    • #3
      A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
      They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
      One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
      As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander.
      Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm a round it.
      But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.
      After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
      A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
      The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen.
      She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
      When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
      It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
      Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again.
      He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

      Comment


      • #4
        That second joke is just wrong, and Pete you are wrong for sharing it. It was funny as hell, I almost fell out of my chair laughing, but it is still wrong.

        Comment


        • #5
          Far away in the tropical waters of the Queensland's Gold Coast, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

          Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

          A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

          Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

          While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
          He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

          With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

          Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

          "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

          Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

          Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

          Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
          changed..... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

          Comment


          • #6
            A ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a
            local sitting outside porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little
            fun, so he says to the man

            Ventriloquist : "Can I talk to your dog?"

            Kiwi : "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid arse."

            Ventriloquist : "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

            Dog: "Doing all right."

            Kiwi : (look of extreme shock)

            Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at the
            Kiwi)

            Dog: "Yep"

            Ventriloquist : "How does he treat you?"

            Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
            me to the lake once a week to play."

            Kiwi : (look of utter disbelief)

            Ventriloquist : "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

            Kiwi : "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

            Ventriloquist : "Hey horse, how's it going?"

            Horse: "Cool"

            Kiwi : (absolutely dumbfounded)

            Ventriloquist : "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

            Horse: "Yep"

            Ventriloquist : "How does he treat you?"

            Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
            me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

            Kiwi : (total look of amazement)

            Ventriloquist : "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

            Kiwi : (in a panic) "The sheep's a damned liar!"

            Comment

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