June Jokes

[sailorman72]

Father O?Malley answers the phone: ?Hello, is this Father O?Malley??
?It is?
?This is the IRS. Can you help us??
?I can?
?Do you know a Ted Houlihan??
?I do?
?Is he a member of your congregation??
?He is?
?Did he donate $10,000 to the church??


?He will?.

[sailorman72]

Father O?Malley answers the phone: ?Hello, is this Father O?Malley??
?It is?
?This is the IRS. Can you help us??
?I can?
?Do you know a Ted Houlihan??
?I do?
?Is he a member of your congregation??
?He is?
?Did he donate $10,000 to the church??


?He will?.

[David77]

A June blonde joke - (Could be a brunette in July).

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in an unnamed state (hint - the state that has outlawed nudity).
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the forth row stands on her chair shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general....and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little wicked dang dummy on your knee!"

[Snoboy]

My wife just sent this one to me. I thought it was funny. I hope you do too.
Tickle - Me- Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory. The personnel
manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at
8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel
manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting
about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the
factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up
all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has
a roll of the fabric used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The
personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes,
he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm
sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo
two test tickles. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif[/img]

[sailorman72]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline).


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holdingher brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.


And, yes,

Linda is a blonde.

[Guest]

Sailorman,

That was great! I loved it!

AIR FORCE ONE AND THE FARMER

Air Force One crashed in the middle of a farm in rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but found no remains of the crew, the President's staff or the President. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir, " the senior Secret Service agent asked, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man uttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep" "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." the farmer sighed and cut his tractor motor.

"I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't...but you know what a liar he is!" [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[missouriboy]

Jon-Marc:
I'm sure you realize that joke originated when Bill Clinton was president, right? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

And the biscuit-brain story was a spoof, not an actual AP item. Good blonde joke, though. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]

[sailorman72]

These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor spelling and all!


1. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

2. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

3. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

4. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

5. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

6. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

7. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

8. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

9. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

10. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

11. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

13. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

14. Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[Guest]

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart aleck in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor responded with a glaring look. "Well," he said, "I guess you will just have to learn to write with your other hand." [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

[hw]

Why Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wedding dress-$5000.; tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle you feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone converstations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides you big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[Guest]

These are real questions asked in a court of law:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the time of impact?
A: Gucci Sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This Myaesthenia Gravis, does this affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: In what way?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give an example of something you have forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one who is living with you?
A: Thirty eight.
Q: And how long has he lived with you?
A: Forty five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he awoke that morning?
A: Where am I Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Milepost 499.
Q: And where is Milepost 499?
A: Probably between Milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

Q: Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes Sir.
Q: Did the defendant say anything?
A: Yes.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

[chuckie30]

A Few More Things I've Learnt ...

1. If you are too open-minded, your brain falls out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.

4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

21. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

22. Experience is the ability to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

24. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.