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>This is one of the funniest stories ever written that highlights the
>circular logic that underpins most religions. Enjoy.
>
>This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found
>a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
>
>"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
>
>Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's *** with us."
>
>Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would
I
>want to kiss his ***?"
>
>John: "If you kiss Hank's ***, he'll give you a million dollars; and
if you
>don't, he'll kick the crap out of you."
>
>Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
>
>John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town.
Hank
>owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to
give you
>a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ***."
>
>Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
>
>Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
>dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ***?"
>
>Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
>
>John: "Then come kiss Hank's *** with us."
>
>Me: "Do you kiss Hank's *** often?"
>
>Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
>
>Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
>
>John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave
town."
>
>Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
>
>Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money
>and he kicks the crap out of you."
>
>Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ***, left town, and got the
>million dollars?"
>
>John: "My mother kissed Hank's *** for years. She left town last year,
and
>I'm sure she got the money."
>
>Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
>
>John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
>
>Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if
you've
>never talked to anyone who got the money?"
>
>Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
get a
>raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty
>dollar bill on the street."
>
>Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
>
>John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
>
>Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
>
>John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
>remember, if you don't kiss Hank's *** he'll kick the crap of you."
>
>Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight
from
>him..."
>
>Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
>
>Me: "Then how do you kiss his ***?"
>
>John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ***. Other
times
>we kiss Karl's ***, and he passes it on."
>
>Me: "Who's Karl?"
>
>Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's
>***. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
>
>Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
that
>Hank wanted you to kiss his ***, and that Hank would reward you?"
>
>John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining
the
>whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."
>
>John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of
Karl"
>letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
>
>From the desk of: KARL
>
>1.Kiss Hank's *** and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave
town.
>2. Use alcohol in moderation.
>3. Kick the crap out of people who aren't like you.
>4. Eat right.
>5. Hank dictated this list himself.
>6. The moon is made of green cheese.
>7. Everything Hank says is right.
>8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
>9. Don't drink.
>10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
>11. Kiss Hank's *** or he'll kick the crap out of you.
>
>Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead."
>
>Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
>
>Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
>handwriting."
>
>John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
>
>Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
>
>Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
>
>Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist
>kicks the crap out of people just because they're different?"
>
>Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
>
>Me: "How do you figure that?"
>
>Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough
for
>me!"
>
>Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
>
>John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item
>2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item
8 says
>'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those
things
>are right, so the rest must be true too."
>
>Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and
6
>says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
>
>John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.
As far
>as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
>
>Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of
>rock..."
>
>Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
outer of
>space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
>
>Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
came
>from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the
rock came
>from doesn't make it cheese."
>
>John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
know
>Hank is always right!"
>
>Me: "We do?"
>
>Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
>
>Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is
>right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it
because
>the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different than
saying
>'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
>
>John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around
>to Hank's way of thinking!"
>
>Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
>
>Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's
way.
>Anything else is wrong."
>
>Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
>
>John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
>
>Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
>
>Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such
>language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
>
>Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
would be
>out of the question?"
>
>Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La
la la
>la la la la la."
>
>John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that..."
>
>Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
>
>Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of
those, I
>wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the crap out of you,
I'll be
>there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's *** for you,
you
>bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
>
>With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
>
>circular logic that underpins most religions. Enjoy.
>
>This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found
>a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
>
>"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
>
>Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's *** with us."
>
>Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would
I
>want to kiss his ***?"
>
>John: "If you kiss Hank's ***, he'll give you a million dollars; and
if you
>don't, he'll kick the crap out of you."
>
>Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
>
>John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town.
Hank
>owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to
give you
>a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ***."
>
>Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
>
>Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
>dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ***?"
>
>Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
>
>John: "Then come kiss Hank's *** with us."
>
>Me: "Do you kiss Hank's *** often?"
>
>Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
>
>Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
>
>John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave
town."
>
>Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
>
>Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money
>and he kicks the crap out of you."
>
>Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ***, left town, and got the
>million dollars?"
>
>John: "My mother kissed Hank's *** for years. She left town last year,
and
>I'm sure she got the money."
>
>Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
>
>John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
>
>Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if
you've
>never talked to anyone who got the money?"
>
>Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
get a
>raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty
>dollar bill on the street."
>
>Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
>
>John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
>
>Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
>
>John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
>remember, if you don't kiss Hank's *** he'll kick the crap of you."
>
>Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight
from
>him..."
>
>Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
>
>Me: "Then how do you kiss his ***?"
>
>John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ***. Other
times
>we kiss Karl's ***, and he passes it on."
>
>Me: "Who's Karl?"
>
>Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's
>***. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
>
>Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
that
>Hank wanted you to kiss his ***, and that Hank would reward you?"
>
>John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining
the
>whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."
>
>John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of
Karl"
>letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
>
>From the desk of: KARL
>
>1.Kiss Hank's *** and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave
town.
>2. Use alcohol in moderation.
>3. Kick the crap out of people who aren't like you.
>4. Eat right.
>5. Hank dictated this list himself.
>6. The moon is made of green cheese.
>7. Everything Hank says is right.
>8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
>9. Don't drink.
>10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
>11. Kiss Hank's *** or he'll kick the crap out of you.
>
>Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead."
>
>Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
>
>Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
>handwriting."
>
>John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
>
>Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
>
>Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
>
>Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist
>kicks the crap out of people just because they're different?"
>
>Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
>
>Me: "How do you figure that?"
>
>Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough
for
>me!"
>
>Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
>
>John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item
>2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item
8 says
>'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those
things
>are right, so the rest must be true too."
>
>Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and
6
>says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
>
>John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.
As far
>as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
>
>Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of
>rock..."
>
>Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
outer of
>space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
>
>Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
came
>from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the
rock came
>from doesn't make it cheese."
>
>John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
know
>Hank is always right!"
>
>Me: "We do?"
>
>Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
>
>Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is
>right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it
because
>the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different than
saying
>'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
>
>John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around
>to Hank's way of thinking!"
>
>Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
>
>Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's
way.
>Anything else is wrong."
>
>Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
>
>John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
>
>Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
>
>Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such
>language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
>
>Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
would be
>out of the question?"
>
>Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La
la la
>la la la la la."
>
>John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that..."
>
>Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
>
>Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of
those, I
>wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the crap out of you,
I'll be
>there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's *** for you,
you
>bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
>
>With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
>
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