Principle vs. Practice: Sex and Marriage

[Doug H]

Given how controversial the subject of "Saving Sex for Marriage" is, and who the loudest proponents are, I'm probably going to set off a firestorm. Here goes anyway...

I don't disagree with principle of saving sex for marriage. It has a number of pros (fewer children out of wedlock and very low risk of sexually transmitted diseases just to name two) and very few cons. And in the days (not as long ago as one thinks) when the common age of marriage was between 14 and 19, this really wasn't much of a wait anyway.

Times have changed, and while I'm not a promoter of promiscuity (far from), I wonder how realistic such an expection is in this day and age. It now common to postpone marriage 'til after one graduates from college and is settled into a career. That means the mid-20's at the earliest and the 30's are not out of the question. That could put 10-15 years from the onset of adolescence to day of marriage. That's a long time.

Basically, for those who promote the "Sex 'til Marriage" view, one might want to consider how to educate adolescents on how to deal with their body's wants and needs. And being hush-hush about it, as too many of these groups often are, is not the best way to go.

Doug H.

[Doug H]

Given how controversial the subject of "Saving Sex for Marriage" is, and who the loudest proponents are, I'm probably going to set off a firestorm. Here goes anyway...

I don't disagree with principle of saving sex for marriage. It has a number of pros (fewer children out of wedlock and very low risk of sexually transmitted diseases just to name two) and very few cons. And in the days (not as long ago as one thinks) when the common age of marriage was between 14 and 19, this really wasn't much of a wait anyway.

Times have changed, and while I'm not a promoter of promiscuity (far from), I wonder how realistic such an expection is in this day and age. It now common to postpone marriage 'til after one graduates from college and is settled into a career. That means the mid-20's at the earliest and the 30's are not out of the question. That could put 10-15 years from the onset of adolescence to day of marriage. That's a long time.

Basically, for those who promote the "Sex 'til Marriage" view, one might want to consider how to educate adolescents on how to deal with their body's wants and needs. And being hush-hush about it, as too many of these groups often are, is not the best way to go.

Doug H.

[wannabenaked2001]

I don't feel I am in a position to to say yea or nea to pre-marital sex. Before I was married, I did indulge myself as well as some young women. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

I do agree that with people getting married later in life, it is more difficult to wait. Waiting or not waiting is a personal decision, but with it goes the responsibility. Many people have issues with sex education being taught in school. I agree, that it should be done at home, but this is not happening for the vast majority of our young people. Our young people must be educated of the consequences of sex. Abortion, and I'm not saying it should or should not be made illegal, can not be just another form of birth control! The numbers are staggering.

So, yes, we need better sex-ed. Sex is all over television, movies and music to name a few. Sex is already out there for the young to see, but it is still being treated as something to keep hidden. We can't have it both ways. We've tried that and it dosen't work. We need to be open about sex (to a degree), and the human body. The raging hormones will never go away, but we can address attitudes and curiosities.

One thing to consider from the original question. The divorce rate is huge compared to 50-60 years ago. Does pre-marital sex have anything to do with this? Personally I think too much has changed to claim that any one thing can be blamed.

I think I am babbling, so I'll stop now. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif[/img]

quote:

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Originally posted by Doug H:
[qb]Given how controversial the subject of "Saving Sex for Marriage" is, and who the loudest proponents are, I'm probably going to set off a firestorm. Here goes anyway...

I don't disagree with principle of saving sex for marriage. It has a number of pros (fewer children out of wedlock and very low risk of sexually transmitted diseases just to name two) and very few cons. And in the days (not as long ago as one thinks) when the common age of marriage was between 14 and 19, this really wasn't much of a wait anyway.

Times have changed, and while I'm not a promoter of promiscuity (far from), I wonder how realistic such an expection is in this day and age. It now common to postpone marriage 'til after one graduates from college and is settled into a career. That means the mid-20's at the earliest and the 30's are not out of the question. That could put 10-15 years from the onset of adolescence to day of marriage. That's a long time.

Basically, for those who promote the "Sex 'til Marriage" view, one might want to consider how to educate adolescents on how to deal with their body's wants and needs. And being hush-hush about it, as too many of these groups often are, is not the best way to go.

Doug H.[/qb]

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I wasn't aware that it was really such a big deal anymore. People have been living together without marriage for decades now and I think the few that still think we should wait are a tiny minority.

As for the benefits you cite, fewer kids out of wedlock mean nothing anymore. There is no social stigma on a child born to a single mother and most kids end up with divorced parents anyway. And since at least half the people in marriages step out it doesn't do a thing for reducing sexually transmitted diseases either.

Would someone really get married not knowing how good their partner was in bed? Not me! With the divorce rate so high shouldn't we know as much as we can about someone we vow to spend the rest of our lives with?

Aren't the schools teaching about masturbation? They should be.... it is as much a part of sex education as anything else would be.

quote:

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Originally posted by wannabenaked2001:
[qb]
One thing to consider from the original question. The divorce rate is huge compared to 50-60 years ago. Does pre-marital sex have anything to do with this? Personally I think too much has changed to claim that any one thing can be blamed.

[/qb]

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I think a lot of it has to do with people who don't feel obligated to stay in bad marriages anymore. Years ago if you were an abused spouse you just hid it and stayed in the marriage till you died one way or another. Of course some feel it has swung too far the other way and that people walk away instead of giving it a real try.

[EricNY]

originally posted by Cyndiann:

quote:

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Would someone really get married not knowing how good their partner was in bed? Not me! With the divorce rate so high shouldn't we know as much as we can about someone we vow to spend the rest of our lives with?

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Cyndiann, I normally have a LOT of respect for your posts. I can't beleive I read this coming from you.

To base a marriage on how good someone is in bed is the most ridiculus thing I have ever heard.The day I met my wife I knew I wanted to marry her, and the thought of "how good is she" never crossed my mind.

The problem with relationships these days is not as was described.(NOTE: I DO NOT feel that anyone should stay in an abusive marriage!!)

With that said the reason why people do not stay together is often laziness, yes plain laziness. It has gotten to the point in our day that it has become much easier to split up than to WORK out the problems. There is nothing that can not be worked through, as long as those involved are committed to solving and correcting the problem.

Of course there are other unique circumstances that are reasons for divorce. But to say; knowing how good someone is in bed....HOW could this help?

I did not say anyone should base a marriage just on how good the sex is. It is one major component in what makes up a good one though and incompatability in that area is a major reason for break ups.

When I was a teenager my mother told me she made a major mistake by marrying without knowing what the sex would be like and she told me that she would put me on the Pill once I reached a certain age so that I could avoid that. I was sexually active before that age came along though and I've never regretted it.

You have to take into consideration how many people leave relationships because of sexual incompatability and how many people step out on their marriages because their needs aren't being met at home. Those numbers are huge.... how could you not take that into consideration?

Perhaps if people put more thought into who they are marrying and why before they do it there would be less divorce. I think it is too easy to get married and that all marriage licenses should come with required waiting periods. And everyone should have a living together period so they know what they are getting into in all aspects of pairing off.

[EricNY]

I go back to what I was saying.....if you are with someone that is not very good, so to speak.
That is still something that can be taught, and learned. (how much fun would that schooling be [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] ) Therefore this should NEVER be a reason to break-up.

Compatability has nothing to do with sex or even being attracted, it has to do with being who you are. That is another problem some are so superficial that they don't even consider "the right mate" because of how they look.
Myself as an example I can honestly say that I would love my wife no matter how she came packaged.

Take the time and look on the inside, that is where you will strike gold

[BigTim]

Firestorm indeed!
I can't get very far with this topic because most people just don't agree with me. I'm not preaching here, just telling part of my story in relation to this topic.

I was raised by let's call them "conservative Christians." I was taught from infancy God's view of morality (and other things) based on His word, the Holy Bible. One part of this morality is that sex before marriage is not acceptable to God, another is that God hates a divorcing. Therefore, it was important to me to find a wife who shared those same views and to carefully consider her as a whole person before deciding to marry her. Was this easy? NO. Was it always easy to control my raging hormones? NO. But I did. She did, too. Through prayerful consideration, I found a godly woman of the same religion and we married after cultivating a friendship for over 6 years. We probably rushed into it a bit, but that was for many reasons, sexual desire being one of them. Long story short, we were virgins until our wedding night and we're still very happily married almost 13 years later. We both remain devout Christians. In all these years, I think we've had 3 major arguments. Divorce is not even part of our vocabulary, because we believe that marriage is until death.

My point is this: Our Christian upbringing has played a major role in our lives. A major teaching in our church for keeping a happy family life is to have very open, two-way communication...about EVERYTHING. This, I believe, is the root of most problems in marriage: lack of communication. When two people are not afraid to talk about anything including sex, right from the start, then they will have a happy and successful marriage. And if they do this, in my opinion, sex before marriage will not be that important to them.

[Cookie Monster]

SEX..its in the movies, its on the radio, its just about about everywhere you turn. Me personally, yes it used to mean alot to me, but I have come to the realization that it (sex) isnt everything. I have been married for the last thirteen years to the same woman. We were engaged for four years lived together for six and were together since we were eight years old. Yes we enjoyed ourselves, unfortionatly she is on medication that Kills the drive, but this did not kill the relationship, in fact it brought us closer. A relationship should not be based on sex. Its about love, communication, trust and honesty. You can have a relationship that will last, as long as you have those four basic principals, if you lose one you will most likely lose the relationship. if you base your relationship on sex, again you will probably lose the relationship as well.
Just my thoughts.
Have a Cookie and be happy [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

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Originally posted by ercNY:
[qb]I go back to what I was saying.....if you are with someone that is not very good, so to speak.
That is still something that can be taught, and learned. (how much fun would that schooling be [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] ) Therefore this should NEVER be a reason to break-up.[/qb]

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I have tried over the years to teach people how to be good or better lovers and although most can learn a thing or two I do sincerely believe that an exceptional lover comes by it naturally and that it is something that cannot be taught. Also if a man is extremely underhung or extremely overhung it will mean he's not going to be able to function as a man in a more normal range would be able to either. From my experience (and I have a lot of that) you cannot make a significant improvement sorry to say. Just as not everyone is musically talented or good at fixing things or skilled with words, not everyone is cut out to be an exceptional lover.
[qb]

quote:

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Compatability has nothing to do with sex or even being attracted, it has to do with being who you are. That is another problem some are so superficial that they don't even consider "the right mate" because of how they look.
Myself as an example I can honestly say that I would love my wife no matter how she came packaged.

Take the time and look on the inside, that is where you will strike gold[/qb]

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Sexual compatability has nothing to do with looks. Why would you think it would?

And Cookie Monster, I agree that a relationship should not be based on sex and said so already. It should be based on any one criteria. It is a blend of many things. Some people hold a higher value on sex than others do. Perhaps those are the ones that are the natural lovers to begin with, I cannot say. All I know is that I have sophisticated tastes and would not settle for a relationship where I would ultimately be unhappy and I would be most unhappy if I were saddled with someone that could not match my talents. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

Perhaps that is why I'm single and have been for many years. All I know is that I am pretty much happy!